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Author Topic: My Story Still breathing and confused

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My Story Still breathing and confused
#60: November 23, 2021, 09:18:42 PM
Quote
Had a great IC today.
Dove into some hard subjects and got a lot of value.

On another note "the visiting here" she wants.
She pressured them last night saying I said it was OK.
Actually I said it was up to them.
They have all told her that they aren't comfortable with her here and would rather visit her.

"Ok but if I see your cars there I'm stopping in any way " lol.
Whatever fits her narrative.

I'm staying out of it completely.

This is a great update!!! Well done Pac.

Make sure you keep going back to more IC appointments. Think of it as regularly needing to fill your fuel tank as your drive from LBS bomb day to happiness.

She has obviously and blatantly lied - telling the kids you said it was okay to come over. But that’s what MLCers do, no point even bringing it up with her or the kids. An early stage LBS will try and out them and their lies. A zen, well practiced LBS knows there’s no point correcting something which will be followed by a thousand more lies. Nor is it worth the emotional heartache of having anything to with her.

I’d go so far as to say it may have been her baiting you - ie she tells the kids you said it was fine, and then waits for you to explode at her. Then she gets the attention she wants. It’s like giving a dog attention (yelling) when they cr*p on the carpet … for MLC crazies, any attention is good attention.

Don’t engage, stay out of it, zero f***s, concentrate on living your life.
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Still breathing and confused
#61: November 23, 2021, 11:24:26 PM
Well done, Pac  :)

Not surprised your wife manipulated the situation and lied. Tbh I would be tempted to show my boundaries with action not words and be out doing something nicely GAL when/if she comes over. Bc you don’t need to see her if you don’t want to, or play ‘fake’ happy family or listen to any of her drama or sadz.

Sadly your kids - as others kids here have had to do - will need to do their own work on boundaries for themselves in dealing with someone who really only cares about what she wants and thinks, who is unreliable and untrustworthy.....and you will have to let them learn the hard way although you can role model it for them by how you behave.

But well done on digging deep in IC  :)
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« Last Edit: November 23, 2021, 11:25:49 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Still breathing and confused
#62: November 24, 2021, 12:23:44 AM

On another note "the visiting here" she wants.
She pressured them last night saying I said it was OK.
Actually I said it was up to them.
They have all told her that they aren't comfortable with her here and would rather visit her.

"Ok but if I see your cars there I'm stopping in any way " lol.
Whatever fits her narrative.

I'm staying out of it completely.

VERY good idea.... to stay out of it completely...

That "Ok but if I see your cars there I'm stopping in any way" is SO "MLC-Script for Dummies 101" - No concern for others or their wishes/boundaries/desires, only


It may take her stopping by and getting no response from the kids or being told (by them) that they had expressed their wishes and for her to go against them is NOT acceptable to get her to stop playing games but there is no guarantee there either.... MLC'ers seem to have problems with boundaries of others, especially is it goes against their own wishes...
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Me - 58, xW - 50
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Still breathing and confused
#63: November 25, 2021, 01:53:27 AM
I'm so tired and exhausted.

I had a really good day after my counselling and thought I've got this. BUT

The friends she is staying with popped over and stayed out the front.
I was fine but then went out to see them and my anger kicked in again.

How are they so blind to the fact she is using them while still seeing the AP??

Supporting her 100% while they don't get what I'm going through. Makes me sad and angry. My friendship with them is now broken. I can't just pop around and I can tell that she has put them in an awkward position but they have accepted it and continue enabling her.

I know I shouldn't be angry but they made promises to kick her out if AP is still in the picture and they know she lied to them, me and the boys during her affair.

The reality is she has no consequence and isn't living her "New life" at all while I feel like I'm struggling.

On a brighter note she has been told again that the kids don't want her here.
One less thing for me to worry about.

On a completely side note.

My father used to beat my mother in front of me.
She had an affair.
He went and beat the guy up.
Served time for it.
He got shot with a crossbow by the affair partner.
The AP sexually abused my sister.
My parents divorced.
Dad as you know tried to commit suicide.

I asked her tonight how the hell they got back together after all that......

Her response "we were meant to be together".
Like seriously?

I've learnt by seeing what I saw as a kid that I didn't want to be like him and haven't.

I didn't beat her.
I didn't track down AP as easy as it would be.
I haven't and won't have another relationship while we are "still married"
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« Last Edit: November 25, 2021, 02:57:34 AM by Pacman »
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Still breathing and confused
#64: November 25, 2021, 06:03:58 AM
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I'm so tired and exhausted.

I had a really good day after my counselling and thought I've got this. BUT

We have good days and we have bad days. Regardless, underneath, the trauma is still there and that is exhausting.

You have had other very serious  trauma's in your life. The fact that you have chosen to take a different route in your life shows that you have what is called "resistance" and that will get you through this.

Thank you for being so open and honest with how you are feeling.

Counseling is an ongoing thing. I went for two years initially and then another 2 many years later with a different type of therapist. I would not hesitate to go back to her if I needed to because things come up sometimes...but I think I have the "tools" I need to handle most things now. I still get unhinged from time to time. It's not unusal to still have strong feelings several years later.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving..I know the holidays make it feel harder.
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« Last Edit: November 25, 2021, 06:18:54 AM by xyzcf »
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Still breathing and confused
#65: November 25, 2021, 01:52:11 PM
Hang in there Pac.

Quote
The friends she is staying with popped over and stayed out the front.
I was fine but then went out to see them and my anger kicked in again.

How are they so blind to the fact she is using them while still seeing the AP??

Supporting her 100% while they don't get what I'm going through. Makes me sad and angry. My friendship with them is now broken. I can't just pop around and I can tell that she has put them in an awkward position but they have accepted it and continue enabling her.

I know I shouldn't be angry but they made promises to kick her out if AP is still in the picture and they know she lied to them, me and the boys during her affair.

The reality is she has no consequence and isn't living her "New life" at all while I feel like I'm struggling.

The only person PacMan controls… is PacMan.

You don’t control her behaviour, her thoughts, her lack of morals. You don’t control how other people view the situation, or how they behave towards MLCer or you.

You seem to cycle constantly between periods of peace and resignation, to anger and resentment when her behaviour pushes your buttons.

I think you should explain this to your IC, and ask for specific tools to prevent getting triggered and upset.

NOTHING YOU DO RIGHT NOW WILL CHANGE HER OR HER FRIENDS. Building resilience is important, because none of this is going to change. She will continue to be a crazy MLC, do dumb sh*t, say dumb sh*t and lie to everyone about it.

Your solution and happiness does not lie in changing that. It lies in you accepting and expecting it so that it no longer bothers you. As sure as night follows day, MLCers will be crazy… and their friends will support it.
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#66: November 25, 2021, 01:58:32 PM
Hang in there Pac.


The only person PacMan controls… is PacMan.

You don’t control her behaviour, her thoughts, her lack of morals. You don’t control how other people view the situation, or how they behave towards MLCer or you.

You seem to cycle constantly between periods of peace and resignation, to anger and resentment when her behaviour pushes your buttons.

I think you should explain this to your IC, and ask for specific tools to prevent getting triggered and upset.

NOTHING YOU DO RIGHT NOW WILL CHANGE HER OR HER FRIENDS. Building resilience is important, because none of this is going to change. She will continue to be a crazy MLC, do dumb sh*t, say dumb sh*t and lie to everyone about it.

Your solution and happiness does not lie in changing that. It lies in you accepting and expecting it so that it no longer bothers you. As sure as night follows day, MLCers will be crazy… and their friends will support it.

They are supposed to be my friends.
And yes I need to be more consistent and resilient I know.

Question .....was her affair an exit affair?
She did cut contact with him at my insistence (and also because she said it was the right thing to do) but since leaving has recontacted him (not sure in what capacity as she would lie about it anyway).


Thank you
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« Last Edit: November 25, 2021, 02:28:17 PM by Pacman »
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Still breathing and confused
#67: November 25, 2021, 08:06:51 PM
So she did it.

Just rocked up to the house to visit the kids unannounced even though she was told they didn't want her to.

Bloody MLC mind. Obviously she believes her narrative.
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Still breathing and confused
#68: November 25, 2021, 08:14:37 PM

They are supposed to be my friends.
And yes I need to be more consistent and resilient I know.

Hi Pac,

I have lost some friends since the separation, some friends have stuck by my wife, and some have chose to support me.   The devastation from the relationship breakup is significant.   All I have done is try to focus on my new life maintaining some of the relationships and looking to build others.   Recommend you let go of those that choose a path away from you.


Question .....was her affair an exit affair?
She did cut contact with him at my insistence (and also because she said it was the right thing to do) but since leaving has recontacted him (not sure in what capacity as she would lie about it anyway).

I'm not sure it matters PAC what contact she has had.  All you can do is set your clear boundaries which you have done.   My W still hasn't even admitted her affair to me and the potential relationship to my girls.   All I can do is focus on the boundaries that I have set.   1.  Focus on God  2.  No relationships with OM  3.  Work on our marriage.  For now I am leaving her be and trying not to  focus on what she is doing.

And I would let your adult kids handle her unannounced visits as Treasur suggested and UM confirmed.  They will have to set their own boundaries with their Mother as she wants to visit them.

Hang in there as you work through this difficult time.

HF

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Still breathing and confused
#69: November 25, 2021, 08:40:27 PM


Hi Pac,

I have lost some friends since the separation, some friends have stuck by my wife, and some have chose to support me.   The devastation from the relationship breakup is significant.   All I have done is try to focus on my new life maintaining some of the relationships and looking to build others.   Recommend you let go of those that choose a path away from you.



I'm not sure it matters PAC what contact she has had.  All you can do is set your clear boundaries which you have done.   My W still hasn't even admitted her affair to me and the potential relationship to my girls.   All I can do is focus on the boundaries that I have set.   1.  Focus on God  2.  No relationships with OM  3.  Work on our marriage.  For now I am leaving her be and trying not to  focus on what she is doing.

And I would let your adult kids handle her unannounced visits as Treasur suggested and UM confirmed.  They will have to set their own boundaries with their Mother as she wants to visit them.

Hang in there as you work through this difficult time.

HF

This right here in bold ? I just read the last couple of pages of your story and you say that you are about to sign divorce papers but you are working on your marriage. Did I read that right?
And 2. No relationships with OM....what do you mean by that?
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