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Author Topic: My Story Still breathing and confused

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My Story Still breathing and confused
#90: December 01, 2021, 03:22:52 AM
My take fwiw is that how you respond is mostly a function of the kind of relationship you and your kids have/had with her parents and the boundaries that feel appropriate to you in your current relationship with your wife given the situation.
<...snip...>
So my advice is think less about your response to your w and more about what kind of support you do or don’t want to offer your in-laws directly. Or what your sons want to do directly.

This is PURE gold - This has nothing to do with MLCW and everything to do with your (former?) in-laws... 
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Me - 58, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 11
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Still breathing and confused
#91: December 01, 2021, 03:39:28 AM
Time to sleep on my response and my actions.

Rather than respond straight away.

I feel for the situation and know nothing I do will make our relationship better but also know the wrong move WILL make it worse.

I know I'm looking into the future but if her mum passes away could I turn up at the funeral if OH could be there?
NO I could not.
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"Trying to taste green with my elbow ;-)"

Im always reminded of that 80's movie.. War Games.. The best way to win is not to play the game.

Affair found out April 2021
BD June 23rd 2021
Moved out July 8th 2021(Same day our granddaughter was born)

T
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Still breathing and confused
#92: December 01, 2021, 04:01:16 AM
Pacman, I was in this situation; my MIL had dementia, and passed away a number of years ago.  I went to see her in the nursing home on my own (and sometimes with my children, when that was possible); I spoke to my SIL, but never directly with my H about it unless he asked something specific.

When she died I decided that the kids and I (they were still quite young) would go to the funeral service no matter what, as it's a public ceremony, but that if any OW were to be attending the more private burial we wouldn't.  They certainly didn't want to be around an OW either (my H went through many).  In the end no OW came to either service.

This was appropriate for me as I always had a very good relationship with my MIL, and I wanted to be there for her regardless of how her son was behaving.  He left right when she was diagnosed, so she was still aware, and she was furious.  She went downhill quickly, though, so there wasn't much opportunity for her to say what she felt to him. 

I'm sure you will work out what is right for you.  I agree completely with everything treasur says. 
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#93: December 01, 2021, 04:05:30 AM
I think I'm starting to understand how she has felt for years.

At the moment I'm focussing on my children and grandchildren and their wellbeing.
Trying to support them through some tough times and putting myself on the back burner.

Coupled with thinking of what She is going through with her mum.

Doesn't make it easier but I definitely have decided it's not about me. Unlike my previous self who was self centred.

It's going to be a long hard road either way but I've always had my heart on my sleeve with anything to do with my family unfortunately didn't show it being the typical male.
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"Trying to taste green with my elbow ;-)"

Im always reminded of that 80's movie.. War Games.. The best way to win is not to play the game.

Affair found out April 2021
BD June 23rd 2021
Moved out July 8th 2021(Same day our granddaughter was born)

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Still breathing and confused
#94: December 01, 2021, 07:37:19 AM
Quote
"Sorry I had Bella last night and just saw your message. How is your dad and is there anything I can do for you?"

Is that too much to respond?

Pacman, I learned a long time ago that what was best for me is to respond as I felt, without worrying about how if might sound to him or how it might affect him positively or negatively.

I am me and I am not going to change into someone who is fretting every time we have contact about what to say or do. I really do think about what I think/feel about the situation and then respond with how I am feeling. So far, that has worked really well for me.

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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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#95: December 01, 2021, 02:58:10 PM
I left it overnight then responded this morning.
"I'm sorry to hear about your mum. It must be hard for all of you and that I would talk to the boys"
She responded with "I hear you're dealing with some dramas at home" as she spoke to s22 last night.

Let that one slip straight past me. No need for a response back to her. What happens in my house is now my business to deal with.

Previously I would have tried the whole "Yes it's extremely tough" trying to guilt her but I'm a better smarter person now.
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"Trying to taste green with my elbow ;-)"

Im always reminded of that 80's movie.. War Games.. The best way to win is not to play the game.

Affair found out April 2021
BD June 23rd 2021
Moved out July 8th 2021(Same day our granddaughter was born)

K
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Still breathing and confused
#96: December 01, 2021, 08:52:17 PM
Good for you Pac.

Another victory because you took your time, focused on the issue (sick exMIL) and didn’t respond emotionally or to illicit a response.

Your originally proposed message had “sorry I had Bella and just saw your message.” What are you apologising for? You respond when and how you want. If she doesn’t get the response when she wants it, that’s HER problem to deal with, not yours.

Remember never to respond through fear or worry about what they might do/say/think. Respond with a delay, with only the issue at the forefront of your mind.

Great job ignoring the last message. That’s a bait. It requires no answer, it gets no response.

She can’t hurt you any more. She’s already fkd over your family with her MLC BS. Time to stop worrying about keeping her happy. She is, by definition as an MLC, unhappy.
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Still breathing and confused
#97: December 02, 2021, 12:20:10 AM
Great job ignoring the last message. That’s a bait. It requires no answer, it gets no response.

EXACTLY correct!

She was trying on the new hat of the Master Baiter.....

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Me - 58, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 11
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

P
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Still breathing and confused
#98: December 03, 2021, 12:16:39 AM
So....today s19 had a car accident. Someone hit him.

All safe.

Long story short but legally he isn't allowed to drive that car due to being probationary license.

Car is registered to W to cut down on premiums. Feel like telling her that he isn't covered and that insurance can refuse to pay out but  she seems to have it under control so I'm staying on my side of the street.

She can start dealing with some of the fallout while I stay silent :-)

But then I got triggered again. Saturday night is meant to be her night to look after granddaughter.....can't do it this week because she is going out.

Massive replay on her part. She is living the high fun life. But I know it will crash eventually.
I need to keep thinking that and not worry about what she is doing or it will push me further into the abyss she has created for me.
But only if I allow it of course.

That's where I need to keep detaching.
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« Last Edit: December 03, 2021, 01:41:39 AM by Pacman »
"Trying to taste green with my elbow ;-)"

Im always reminded of that 80's movie.. War Games.. The best way to win is not to play the game.

Affair found out April 2021
BD June 23rd 2021
Moved out July 8th 2021(Same day our granddaughter was born)

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Still breathing and confused
#99: December 03, 2021, 02:27:03 AM
Car is registered to W to cut down on premiums. Feel like telling her that he isn't covered and that insurance can refuse to pay out but  she seems to have it under control so I'm staying on my side of the street.

VERY Good..... Her car, her circus, her monkeys...
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Me - 58, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 11
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

 

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