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Author Topic: My Story Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 8

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My Story Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 8
#30: December 07, 2021, 01:58:32 PM
Oh, UrsaMajor - just wait…there is more that I just found out yesterday.

Remember me saying at the opening of this thread that I wasn't sure sometimes why I still needed to post? Followed by I wasn't discounting the possibility of the MLCer riling me up.  ::)

It is not a trigger, but I did have to sort out some feelings last night and this morning. So much so that I had dreams last night about Xh. And, I am to the point in this journey where when Xh shows up in any dream, I am annoyed. Bad dreams. Good dreams. Anything in between including weird dreams - I don't want Xh in any of them. LOL

So, S returned home very late yesterday afternoon. He was exhausted. He waited at home to see his GF after she got out of work, as she only works a short distance from our house. He had missed her terribly and she, him.

I was grateful D was not at home to hear about the trip. S was excited to share photos of the 2 places they went as he knew I would appreciate the artistic elements S photographed. And, I did. They were beautiful. He clearly enjoyed his time, but there were other elements to this trip that I know are perhaps confusing for him. That is, he didn't out and out say it, but I know my kid very well. He is struggling with some things. Like wondering what the truth really is when it comes to Xh. I just listened most of the time and realize that there is nothing I can do or say and frankly, know from experience that trying to somehow express my opinion when it comes to Xh is never a good idea. I could feel myself wanting to get on the phone and just scream at Xh. Truly.

The company Xh worked for that I figured he had a no compete clause with - yah, called that one. S explained that Xh is no longer going to pursue that project because the company wasn't happy with him, so he quit. Hmmmm, I know the company owner pretty well. My guess - and it is just a guess - Xh got fired because of the clause. The MLC version of Xh needs the spotlight so much it clouds the bigger picture. Xh of yesteryear - the business minded one - would have seen the logic of presenting his idea to the owner, seeing that they had the resources to make this happen and he could have negotiated heading it up. But, no - instead, blow up another work relationship in MLCland and then just decide to go after some other thing.

Now, I will always say this about Xh. He has brilliant ideas and is incredibly talented. Always has been. The MLC version though - somehow just can't hold it together enough to see things through. No surprise by now. And, in the grand scheme it shouldn't affect me, but like it or not, since we have kids together, it can at the very least rattle my cage just a tad.

So, S mentioned Xh was pushing even more to take time off to do things for himself. He informed S that he would pay S's car payment. I stared at S and told him that is all well and good, but S still lives with me, and I am not going to fund some sabbatical that not only I cannot afford to do, but am not even able to make happen for myself, much less others at this point. I explained that I know S works hard and I am not so worried about his bills, but the agreement has always been that I would help the kids with the bills that I committed to in the divorce and then some - as long as they were in college. I agreed to carrying the cellphone bills and the like in the divorce. Both kids are good about pitching in, but understood there are some things I am not going to just keep paying for. They are young adults and my job, as I see it is to help them progress into the world. Support in my mind, means that they can live at home for a bit and get on their feet. They can save up money and get a handle on their school loans - transition to an independent life. But, never has there been some idea floated out there that I will continue to support them financially all the way around. I wasn't raised that way and if they stay home, I am not the maid - we are a team. Like it or not.

S understands this. My issue is not with him at all. It was my frustration listening to the latest "scheme" - yes, I am sorry in this situation, it is in fact not just an idea Xh has, but based on how it all was presented - it is in fact something that Xh has thought out with it very clearly benefiting him. Oh, sure, parts of it would be cool for S.

Xh has a new idea for a money making project. The idea is solid, yet, I will admit part of it is getting to me a bit, as it involves backroad travel - nothing Xh was ever interested in, but S mentioned Xh was inspired by my excursions. And, I don't care so much about that - yay him. I just hate that my "inspiration" has led to this plan. If he makes money at it - good for him, but then too it bugs me, because he continues to benefit and the kids and I have had to bust our butts. Not only that when he offers to pay for S's car and nowhere is he offering to cover, IDK things like health insurance, etc - things I currently pay with an idea I inspired - not exactly making me feel all warm and tingly.  ::)

The conversation continued with Xh would like to have S take time off so he can travel with Xh. Hmmmm. My jaded self was already figuring what that translated to. S could be the driver while Xh documents the travels for his newest concept. Meanwhile, he asked S if his GF liked road trips. S innocently told me that he told Xh that his GF has a job that she really loves and she has other responsibilities. So, Xh's response was to be all excited and said that maybe GF could move into the cottage with S and she could stay behind and be the live in dog sitter. I can assure you that is not going to fly. GF missed S terribly over the 4 days he was gone. Nope. I don't see him going away for possibly a month at a time when GF is left behind. Nor do I see S leaving her for that long. They are best friends. They spend time apart, but this is not exactly the way they have been talking. S and his GF have been talking about getting engaged down the line - once S gets his career going. I anticipate it occurring before next year. And, S is talking about moving in with his friend "C" when he gets his house.

I could feel myself wanting to call XH and just spit and sputter. Of course, with it came the other layer that Xh has not spoked to nor seen D at all. If S were to go away with Xh for any length of time, it is bound to create a wedge with S and D.

There is nothing I can do about it, beyond telling S, as I did, that if he decides to do this, I will only support a couple of "free" months. And, when he is home, he will have to at the very least pitch in financially or help around the house more. He understood and knows I am not being unreasonable.

It is so hard not to feel resentment in these moments. Part of it is I just want him to not affect me at all. I want to focus solely on my own relationships. I wonder at times what this means if I am with someone else. Are they going to understand my feelings - that is - I don't care what Xh does unless it creates problems for me even a bit. Does that scare someone away? I certainly don't go looking for interactions with Xh.

Today, S posted pics of himself and Xh on Facebook. Of course I saw them and seeing Xh didn't upset me in the sense that I somehow felt emotions as such. It was that I was absolutely shocked at what I saw. He has taken on the habit that his now deceased B once did and his M, which is to bleach his hair completely to a blonde to try and blend the gray. And, I don't care. Coloring one's hair is a personal choice. But for me, seeing it, combined with the disheveled look that he was sporting was jarring. To go from a guy that always looked like he was in the military in terms of pressed clothing and short hair to looking like he currently does is just mind-boggling.

As for the help my sister asked for. I have realized I don't mind helping people, but I am at a point currently where I am not capable of what she is asking. It opens up the wounds too much at this point. Someone wants some advice from me and asks - perhaps, but I am also more and more private about some of these things. I have endured enough assumptions when people find out I am divorced. And part of that is my own doing because I keep most things private when it comes to certain things. I will share and do, but on my terms. Beyond journaling it out here and maybe talking to a very small handful of people, I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Today, I had a random thought about my own life. I am sort of torn between wanting to share someone with others in my life and keeping them all to myself. In reality, I know that I would want a person I care about to be part of my whole life, but after this Xh thing my reaction is to insulate myself and those I love from the madness. However, I will admit - the person I was specifically thinking about has been subjected to my family because the universe likes to intervene. LOL.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 8
#31: December 08, 2021, 12:18:15 AM
So, let's cut to the brass tacks:
The GWPWELFV formerly known (to S) as "dad" wants:
a) to have S as his chauffeur,
b) have S's GF be his live-in dog sitter and house caretaker

He plans to compensate S for his "work" by paying for S's car payment (S had better get that money in advance!) but nothing else.... I'm willing to bet that also would not include food and hotel costs if required....
He does NOT intend to do diddly squat for S's GF like pay for the place where she is currently living, food, transportation costs, etc.,  while she is at the cottage so GF essentially would be paying money to be taking care of the dog from Hades in addition to being cooped up in a cottage somewhere remote...

What can I say? A picture is worth 1000 words..... so here are 4... instead of 4000 words....





 
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 8
#32: December 08, 2021, 06:32:58 PM
Wait a minute, is the ex sporting the Boris Johnson look?
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 8
#33: December 09, 2021, 01:06:27 PM
Oh, UrsaMajor - you just voiced what thoughts rolled through my head immediately and I question whether it is me being clear of mind or just a jaded thought process going on. Unfortunately, I am often hit with the reality that I was spot on and it is almost disappointing. I sometimes wish I was wrong, because I want to be a positive person and try to keep negative thoughts at bay.

forthetrees - LOl. No, he isn't channeling Boris Johnson. I would quicker liken Tom Hanks in "Castaway" when he has been on the island for months - just blonde and a shorter beard.

It is a jarring thing to see, considering the whole time I have known him - prior to MLC he insisted on being neat as can be. My Xh was always incredibly well dressed and never a hair out of place. He was slender, having inherited his F's metabolism and he took care of himself. When we were dating and first married, he had been mistaken for a couple of different actors, which made us laugh.

And, as he aged, I didn't get upset or somehow turned off by him as his body was changing or gray hair appearing. I wouldn't have cared if he had decided to dye his hair, even though I found his salt and pepper look rather dashing. He took pride in his appearance. I could have cared less if he had decided to grow his hair longer or changed his style of dress. I was honestly grateful to have him relax a little and no longer press his jeans and on the weekends he would wear more active wear. It meant he was allowing himself to let go a little and relax.

But, this version of him continues to just throw me. Every aspect. I am not used to seeing his hair unkempt and clearly dyed blonder to somehow blend the gray. The gray streaks are there, but the blonde is new. His hair was an incredibly deep, dark brown, almost black.

The fact that he has gained weight wouldn't throw me either. He is older. I get it. And it is not the extra weight that is so much shocking as in the fact that it is in fact a "beer gut" and not a small one at that. It is not that I somehow am trying to body shame him either - it is really just more of seeing the whole image of this new version of Xh and knowing it is not just the mental changes in him. He looks nothing like he ever did. I am not sure I would recognize him on the street if I hadn't seen pictures of him with S.

But, some time has passed since I saw the images and heard of the latest plan. I know it will resurface, but I am just focusing on what is in the immediate future and about my own life. S knows my feelings and he will make his own choices.

I have been continuing to help the elderly neighbors fairly regularly. The H will be 91 this year and his W turns 85 soon. Today, I went and helped them clean for the holidays. The W wanted to bring out her small Christmas trees and put the ornaments on. She had me put on each bulb, as she directed me where they need to go. She makes Martha Stewart look like a hack - LOL. And, I don't mind being told where to put these things. It isn't done in a commanding manner. It always looks lovely and she has been doing this in this manner for years, so she has a way she likes it. It is honestly sort of cute, listening to her tell me where each ornament came from and why she puts it where she does.

I was there for 3 hours today. Before I left, she handed me money, as she always does. I have quit telling them I don't need to be paid, as it offends them not to pay me for my time. They have told me countess times that I have been like a daughter to them over the years, even though they have a daughter and sons. Their kids all live out of state, so I have been here for them in ways their own kids can't sometimes. The oldest S has thanked me countless times, as he makes huge efforts to visit and knows that for instance during the whole Covid lockdown, I delivered their groceries to them. And, I don't do it because I need some pat on the back or acknowledgement. I genuinely like them and they have been good to me over the years. It is the right thing to do, IMO.

I was getting ready to leave when the W stopped me and handed me an envelope. It was a holiday card and we don't typically exchange Christmas cards. We might bring one another cookies or stop to visit, but cards have been very rare. I didn't open it right away, as I had an appointment to go to and needed to change. When I came back home, I opened the card and found a check for $500. I was in shock. I called and thanked them, but said that was so incredibly generous. They both got on the phone and wanted to let me know that they know how hard I have been working and wanted to help me. I was told I am to spend it on myself - and have some fun.

I had to laugh because I don't think my M sees the same thing some times. I think because I am home she somehow thinks I sit around eating bon bons lately and just float through life. Yes, she knows I work at the gallery. But, today in particular she asked me something about working full time again. I looked at her and asked what was rolling around in her head. I am not and haven't drawn unemployment, so this is not about me somehow living off of the system or something like that. I get why she worries as that is her nature, but I told her I haven't asked for money. It is not optimal, but I wanted to know how does she think I am going to go back to work and somehow get my house back in order, etc. She mentioned a contractor and I reminded her that I have a contractor, but like all the other specialties, I am at their mercy in terms of scheduling. She thought about it and remembered that the man that is going to be doing some work for them came in September and told her he can't start until May at the earliest.

I reminded her how this past year has played out for me. She said something about my F having done many renovations by himself over the years and he worked weekends on things. I laughed and said I recalled that, but I pointed out that he had something I don't and that is a partner who took care of all of the other things, like bill paying and dinners, running my sister and I around to events, etc so he could do that. I am it. Sure the kids are pretty self-sufficient, but they still require things from me. I still have to make sure laundry is done and bills are paid, etc. I am it. I wanted to point out, but bit my tongue, because my M feels guilty very easily, that I am also the one she and my F call when they need something because I am close by. I wanted to tell her that yesterday alone, she needed my help several times and disrupted what I was working on.

It makes it hard sometimes to not feel like I am somehow failing or doing something wrong. I am not loving being home and not working more. I feel like I have somehow been forced into some weird retirement. But, I am also realistic about my situation right now. My plan is to get the bathroom project done which will hit around the time when I should have an answer about the coming semester. There are also big changes coming at the gallery that are hush-hush. I have been asked to take on more teaching there and some other opportunities. I haven't shared them with anyone yet for a variety of reasons. I know my M has an issue with needing solid answers. She doesn't function well with unknowns. I have to accept that is how she is and at her age, that is not going to change. In fact, if anything, she worries more than she used to. So, all I can do is try and be patient and not blow up at her in frustration - at least not in front of her.

This weekend, my sister and BIL are supposed to be going out of town for an event. I had offered to watch my niece and nephew, but my parents are going instead. I am not so sure my F is terribly thrilled about it, as he hates my sister and BIL's house. To him it is too sterile and he always worries he is going to break something. But, my nephew has a basketball game, and my parents will go to watch him play and my niece has horseback riding, which my parents also enjoy watching.

D has a huge project due this weekend, so I suspect I won't see too much of her. S will be home tonight and his current roommate will be coming with him is my understanding. The young man has been here before and we sort of laughed as he and the former roommate are from the same state and lived a few miles from one another but didn't know each other. They met through S and now this roommate is talking about moving to the area as well. I have already warned S that I am putting them all to work this weekend - I need big strong men to help me put the remaining wallboard up in the bathroom. I just need them to carry it in and to hold the pieces long enough for me to put just enough screws in to hold the pieces in place. There are only 4 more sheets to do, so I am not really asking for a whole lot.

I have promised to make lasagna in exchange and this time I will do it the way I like to do it and not make it the Xh and FIL way. LOL
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 8
#34: December 10, 2021, 04:18:52 AM
Maybe a hint to Mom that they too are calling on you might not be amiss, along with the disclaimer that you understand that they need assistance sometimes, that you are close by, and that you are glad to help but it DOES have an impact on the things that you need to get done in conjunction with S & D...

As far as the lasagne goes....

https://youtu.be/w019MzRosmk
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Me - 58, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
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Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 8
#35: December 10, 2021, 02:25:40 PM
UrsaMajor - that is the trick. It has to be a hint and not something that makes my M somehow think I find her to be annoying me all the time. It is finding that right mix of patience and being thoughtful about her feelings that are in the mix. I have to remind myself that my M has so little going on in her life compared to what she used to. And, she worries about me.

I do genuinely like spending time with my M, but there are those moments that it is hard to not feel that aggravation bubble up.

Today, the delivery of the washer did finally happen. I pointed out to my M that I really had little choice but to take the time from work this morning. Who else was going to be able to meet the delivery crew? S had to meet with his internship supervisor to finish up some documentation for college. D had classes. My M was not comfortable waiting for the delivery, as the delivery people all wear masks and it is too hard for her to understand people with their masks on, even with her hearing aids. My F had his monthly eye shot and that wears him out. So, short of rescheduling, I was out of luck. I certainly don't want to wait until way after the holidays at this point. So, I am it.

I prepared for the delivery by moving the old washer out of the laundry room with S's help. Took the door to the basement off the hinges and cleared off any remaining snow from the back deck so that they could bring the washer through the back doors. Navigating through the kitchen would be very difficult with the island to work around.

S arrived just as they were unloading the washer and it was not long before I had to leave for the gallery. S and I both commented on how lucky I was that they could bring the washer today, as the weather was perfect. We both agreed that I had to reschedule, the snow could be waist deep and then bringing a washer around back, where there is not a driveway would have been a nightmare.

S and I discussed some news we had last night and some of the issues that arose with the news. C - S's former roommate received a call from the mortgage lender and he has been approved for a good amount of money. It is exciting news and S has told me all along that he planned on moving in with his GF and with C. They all get along well, and S has wanted to spread his wings and be more of an adult. I have mixed emotions, which is normal. Yet, I am excited for him.

What came out initially was, S mentioning Xh had told him S could have the couch from the media room. I stopped dead in my tracks last night and gave him a "ummmmm- excuse me" look. I asked when this came about. S said it was brought up in conversation last weekend and that Xh had reminded him that when we got the couch years ago he had said S could have it when he moved out. I laughed and said, first of all, back then I said that was a long way off and I wasn't making promises back then about that. Furthermore, I told S that as it stands now, Xh does not get a say in anything related to MY house and MY furnishings, etc. S laughed and said he understood. I told him I had plenty of things he could take with him, including the collection of glasses in the basement that Xh bought that I have no attachment to. S loves those glasses. I also told him he could take one of the large ottomans from the media room, but not my couch. Nope.

Today, we discussed some things more and S said that he realizes that he can't take 6 months off. He wants to move out and start his "adult" life and that means sacrifices like not necessarily just taking time off on a whim. He looked at me and said it is about choices. I laughed. Yes it is.

My sister asked me how I feel about S moving out. I told her I need for my kids to move on with their lives. I need the time to have my own life as well. I am not pushing them out of the nest. They know I am here for them. I told her I also realize that S will be back home often, considering his tools are not leaving and I have a garage he uses. Until he really gets his own place, I know he is going to be around. And, in his case, we are very close. I suspect he will behave very much like my F did with my grandmother and be popping in for a visit and checking on me. I know S pretty well. I already told him I will be demanding a family dinner from time to time. He laughed.

I know it is not going to be happening anytime in the very near future. C still has to first find a place.

Part of me is also sort of relieved. It means the rabbit will be leaving and the puppy. The rabbit is not a huge problem, but it is not mine. And the puppy - well she is cute as can be and I love the company - most of the time - but she is not mine either. If I get another dog, I need another lab or something along those lines. This herding dog has way too much energy for me and she gets under my feet constantly, as her nature is to herd things. She never leaves my side, which is not always great. I can't get things done at all when she isn't taking a nap. I can put her in the crate, but I hate relying on that all the time. She needs a big yard to run in and if S, his GF and C all move in together, it works out because they all fuss over the dog and have different schedules. She gets lots of attention with them around.

D called me midday. She has been thinking about her choice to go into PT. She is on the fence at the moment. It doesn't completely shock me. She really loves it, but has also found a second love which anatomy and physiology. Her professors have all suggested maybe she becomes a teacher. Today, they approached her about becoming a tutor in the program. She excels at it and has nearly a 100 average again in the course. And, frankly, I am not terribly surprised. D has honestly always been a fantastic tutor since she was very young. She would volunteer to help other students in grade school and somehow knew doing the work for them was not helpful. She has a knack for teaching, TBH. I told her she should consider taking the tutoring, if only because it will take care of her concern about getting a job next semester beyond her work study. The tutoring pays and is not part of her financial aid, as it is paid directly from the department account. She seems excited.

I miss my kids being little and wanting hugs or bedtime stories, but I am grateful they are moving on to the next stage in their lives. There was a time when I had dreamed when it happened Xh and I would be spending more time together and traveling, etc. Now, I don't think about that. What I want now is to figure my own path out and I am so craving some time to really do that for myself. It seemed so selfish at one time to desire a time when I didn't have to be "M" all the time. I feel like all I have done since Xh left was hold it together for my kids and myself. I am finally coming to grips with it is okay for me to want things for me now. My kids will always have me in their lives and they know that.  :)
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 8
#36: December 10, 2021, 03:09:49 PM
MD- I so get the “it’s you time” Through a lot of therapy in the last few months ( which I would not have beed if it weren’t  for MLC) that it’s ok to out ME first. It’s given me new direction and focus on what do I want. I’m kind of excited to just think about me for a bit!
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 8
#37: December 11, 2021, 02:45:46 PM
Tornup - It helps when we can focus on other things than MLC to make progress. It took me a very long time to get to this point.

Today, I was busy being "M" right out the gate. D has been under the weather. She had labs done a week ago that were inconclusive but the doctor had given her a standing order to repeat them if the symptoms got worse or didn't subside. So, early this morning, I waited outside in the parking lot for D, as she went in to get her tests.

Normally, D goes to her doctor's appointments by herself. She has rarely asked me to go with her in recent years. So, when she asked me last night, I was a bit surprised. And then it dawned on me. She is experiencing the very same symptoms she did way back when she ended up in the emergency room and Xh was too busy with Schmoopie to show up. And even after she came home and was on bed rest for days, he didn't bother to come in the house to see her, despite both S and I letting him know he was welcome to come inside to see her.

Last time, they decided she had a kidney infection. So, it has stirred up some emotions on top of D not feeling terribly well. The difference is, she recognizes it right out the gate as not being normal, and ever since the first time this happened, she is regimented about hydrating with water. She got the results back and is waiting on the doctor to call her. D knows just enough about the different medical terms to know that she is dealing with the same situation, where the tests are not just screaming it is one thing or another and she is aggravated because she knows she is not feeling well.

She decided to ride along with me to the home improvement store to pick up plumbing supplies for the washer. S and I decided to put it together temporarily into the one drain pipe, as the laundry room was destroyed with the bathroom and D's room. It is functional, but not anything like it once was. All of my cabinets and flooring had to be torn out. It certainly is a far cry from what had been, but I can use the room. Frankly, S, D and I are all on the same page and always thought it was an odd configuration. Xh had built that for me while I was away for a long conference for my job and I was thrilled to have a laundry room in the first place. The space Xh created was huge, and when the kids were younger it was great, but now, it makes little sense. As it is I am not ready to get into that project too deeply, as there are more pressing matters, we opted for a "this will work for now" approach. It might not be sexy, but it is functional. Right now, that is good enough for me.

D and I drove around a bit and she relaxed. She was planning on walking a 5K tonight with her BF and his family. It is an annual tradition and she thought walking might be good. She wants so desperately to run, but she has realized that any type of distance running is probably something best left in the past for her. Her ankle injury and subsequent problems that have persisted really put her running days to an end.

But, positives came out in conversation today. First of all, it seems I am not the monster I was last week and D out and out apologized for the argument we had.

We discussed her desire and need to return to the gym. She certainly doesn't need to get into shape. D is very healthy and takes care of herself, but she needs that physical activity to push out the stress. She has to be mindful of the type of activity with her ankle. Yoga doesn't do it for her. She needs that adrenaline pushing and she has at least found some things at the gym that help with that.

We talked about her tutoring and she mentioned they also requested she take on a job during break. She is really excited about taking a job on campus as opposed to going back to retail. She then said it will give her access to the gym at the college along with her membership at the other gym.

And then came the subject that I thought would upset her terribly. S moving out. D has gone on and on about things changing and how we have never been able to really be a family again. I have tried to tell her that unfortunately the timing of Xh leaving made it really very difficult for that to happen at all. Both of the kids had started college shortly after that - life kept moving forward. I had told her not long ago that she can't necessarily control those things and we have to find new ways to spend time together and maybe it will be even better. She mentioned today that she has been thinking about what I have said and had talked to S. I had told her that if she or S moved out, there is maybe more ability for all of us to commit to time together, just the three of us each week, even if it is just for breakfast or coffee. D mentioned that maybe this is a good thing and it will draw them closer again because there won't be the additional stresses. I tend to agree.

D also mentioned the young woman she has been spending time with. She has made 2 new friends this semester, but this young woman in particular has just clicked with D. They are both in similar programs and have had similar experiences growing up. D needs a GF to hang out with. Her BF has been busy coaching and finishing his classes. They are in separable when they are together, but it has been good for him to spread his wings as well.

We discussed my own possible relationships down the line. D, I know is struggling with this to a certain degree. She knows I have been very cautious and have not exactly installed some rotating doorway. She expressed a concern which made me laugh a little. I know any man that I find myself involved with just has to treat me well as far as S is concerned. D, she will make them run the gauntlet and she will take some time to work through any emotions she may have. She has the abandonment issues that are starting to subside more, but we are still working on those. She has the fear that she will somehow lose me too if I get deeply involved. I have assured her, as has my sister over and over again that I have proven since she was a child that is not the case. D said she knows that logically, but she has fears. But then, I can understand why she feels that way. 

We discussed that sometimes it may come to me not always dropping everything just because, but she can always ask me for my time. It may take some finessing. As I told her, it is not fair for she and her B to have significant others in their lives and I stay home alone. I am not going to sit and behave like some old widow wearing black, waiting for my time to die. She laughed and told me I look really good in black. Smart a$$.  ::)

D then said something that made me realize how deep her pain is in regards to Xh. She said she was not going to somehow pretend to be some happy family if it ever came down to that. I was a bit taken aback. I then laughed and told her to take a deep breath and no one is going to force her to somehow behave like some Hollywood movie remake. I told her my expectations are pretty simple. I get she is going to test any man to make sure they can put up with some velociraptor. What I won't stand for is being completely disrespectful and I expect her to find the kindness that I know resides in her heart and be that person. No one is going to ask her to put on some facade. She relaxed and then said "what if I really end up liking that person". I realized she is worried about that more than anything else. It is not me she is worried about losing. It is that perhaps her F is really going to be lost for her more than he already is, if someone else comes along and behaves like her F might have. I shrugged and said those are all things that will happen or not and there is no way of knowing the answer to that in the present tense.

We left it as her realizing that her F will always be her F. What has changed is his behavior right now and just because someone new may or may not come into our lives someday, it doesn't mean she has to somehow completely forget her F. Maybe he will find his way out this MLC mess and get his act together. Maybe he won't. We can't know for sure, but she can still be open to letting him make amends and be a F to her. I assured her I would never expect her to forget her F or to hate him.

By the time we arrived home, D was very happy and even though she wasn't feeling her best, she seemed more at ease.

Part of this "it's time for me" is allowing myself to completely move on. I don't have a long term game plan, but I know that I am looking forward to possibilities. New dreams.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 8
#38: December 11, 2021, 03:39:48 PM
Wow!! Sounds like a very productive day and conversations. It is the hardest thing. Trying to reestablish the family. Trying to find a new normal. Sounds like you are having those difficult conversations that can only lead to better days. I think a conversation with my D30 will be coming soon. She tends to live in her own world just recently married and not wanting to really face what is changing. For me I seem to be getting most the backlash of XH leaving and she doesn't push anything with him. Just accepts him as he is now, because anything else would just oush him further away.  Thank you for sharing. I hope I can make that kind of progress with my daughter. 
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

M
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 8
#39: December 12, 2021, 08:00:12 AM
Tornup - It seems like it was a productive conversation, but I have come to realize that one conversation, especially in this instance doesn't just automatically change things.

D and I have had a different dynamic than S and I have. It has been that way since the day she was born. She was "daddy's girl" from the get go. Oh, she clung to me and loved me to bits, but when Xh came through the door, she just lit up. As she got older, she was headstrong and knew what she wanted, but she was a model student at school, and we had so few problems with her in that respect. Her teen years were a little bit of a struggle, in that she was more mature than most of her classmates. She had a hard time relating to students her own age. She had a couple of close friends and things were getting better when she found tennis and cross country as team sports. She loved running and has from the time she was little. The timing of her ankle injury and Xh leaving just made it all the more difficult for her. D has had to deal with two major blows to her life at once and she carries herself in such a mature manner, it is often easy to forget how these things have impacted her. She is still grieving and processing.

I have been at this MLC BS for a significant amount of time. It was going on before Xh moved out in 2016. In that time, I have had to learn a great deal and one of the lessons I continue to learn in regards to how D and I work through things, is she and I process things very differently. I can't expect her to think like me.

In some ways, I think I was fortunate to have witnessed the early years after my Xh's parent's divorce and how they dealt with things. My MIL - she tried to control the situation with her kids. She tried to make sure the kids all knew what FIL had done. It blew up in her face and to this day the kids are divided right down the middle. Oh, sure they talk from time to time, but there is a Hatfield/McCoy type feud that often rears it's ugly head right around the holidays. This has gone on for over 30 years.

For me, I realize I am not a controlling person to begin with, but I found myself trying to control the trajectory of Xh's MLC and fix the marriage. It didn't work. I have had my moments of telling the "truth" to others and realize that until they see it through their own eyes, it is not worth my somehow revealing things like Xh cheating. I talk about it to those who maybe understand and will be honest with me, but pointing out realities often blew up in my face. OW used it against me. Xh in his MLC mindset twisted the truth. The kids were confused and they would lash out at me.

I have found that with D, I know she knows way more than S does about the things Xh has done. That was due to his own behaviors that she unfortunately knows from his own mistakes. But, it is still her F and the man she has fond memories of. Even when she is incredibly angry with him, if I somehow pile on or grumble, her natural response is often to defend him, if only to say he is not well. And she is right.

With S, he has not quite seen the true depth of how messed up Xh is and what has occurred. Just last night he made a joke with his friends about why Xh and I split up in the first place. It was amusing, but it is a window into his perception that it boiled down to lack of communication and finances. Hmmm. Yah, that factored in rather late in the game, but that was hardly the reason. S has been told by Xh that I was the one that filed. That is not technically incorrect, but that is not entirely accurate either. I just laughed last night and said he has a rather interesting perspective on that relationship breakdown.

It was in that moment of levity that S laughed and said that Xh had accidentally sent him a selfie in the bathtub a couple of years back. The friends and I went silent and S said that clearly it was meant for someone else. I walked away and thought I am sure it was and I have a good idea for whom it was meant.

At the end of the day, I have come to terms with knowing I can't control the dynamic with the kids and Xh, nor do I want to. They are going to figure it out, or not. I don't want to waste the energy on trying to somehow make those relationships work. I do try and watch my conversations. I try to consider that right now, D and S are still very close and I do admit I often work hard to not allow Xh's shenanigans drive a wedge. It often means at my own expense - mainly financially - with not dragging Xh back to court, but I am at peace with that decision for a variety of reasons.

I have no way of knowing if someday either of my kids get so angry with me over something that they quit taking to me, etc. I just don't know. I have decided that I am just going to stay true to myself and hope that doesn't happen.

It doesn't matter to me how Xh is now perceived in the grand scheme. Sure it irritates me, but I don't want to spend my time feeling like I somehow come out looking better. I know my truth. I know my character. I am finding more and more, that often if left alone, the truth comes out and it is better when it is discovered by others. Frankly, I don't want the kids to hate Xh. I would like it if there were justice and somehow karma would correct things, just a bit, but not so much that I want it to rule my life.

You can't really force things to happen. That is probably one of the things I wished I had grabbed onto early on in the MLC journey. Time & patience - those pesky words.  ;)
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« Last Edit: December 12, 2021, 08:02:58 AM by MourningDove »

 

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