[KellBell]

I see the destruction that the MLC has had in my life, and I still am working to show compassion for my XW while detaching and focusing on my own journey.

^^^ this! It really is freeing to finally be able to be in a place where you can focus on YOU and your journey and thoughts of them don't consume your energy. I really do feel like in some of our situations we can GAL and detach, yet still have compassion for our x. It's not a weakness or step in the wrong direction. Compassion and kindness are not faults. I feel I can be kind to my x without any expectations or reciprocation. That doesn't mean I am a doormat. I still guard myself and shut things down when they go too far or want too much...but I really don't think we have to change who we are fundamentally because they are having a crisis. Just never lose sight of your limits. And it's ok to say no. I also think that although being the bigger person sucks- not adding more drama to the chaos is a good example for the kids. Just my take...

glad you found a great place for you and the kids!!

[HeavenlyFocus]

Thx SS and KellBell for your support.

Journal Update

Well, I started my job and it feels so good to be back to work.   After one week,  I think it's going to be a good fit, and I already see where I can help the new team that I just joined.   Also great to be busy during the day so I have other things to focus on in my life. 

I also would share that my XW is still having health issues but seems to getting treatment after multiple doctor visits.   She seems to want to share updates on her health situation though calls and texts.  I continue to listen and be sympathetic while still keeping my distance.  Need to guard my heart as I was her caretaker and she clearly hasn't totally severed the co-dependent care taking need from our relationship.

I honestly have no idea what is going through her head right now but it must be challenging for her to face her current health issues.   All I know is that I don't ever want to be a plan B or fall back plan just because life became difficult.

I continue to focus on my healing and am open to all possibilities in my life moving forward.   

HF

[FaithWalker]

HF, I hope the job is continuing to be a great fit!

Hopefully the treatment is continuing to help your xW with her health issues.  It does seem to me that she still hasn't fully accepted the consequences of her choices and you have a lot of grace for her.  That says a lot about you.  I'm glad that you can see that you need to guard your heart and that you aren't plan B material. 

I saw a meme recently that said "don't ever let anyone treat you like free salsa, you're guacamole baby.  You. Are. Guacamole." and it made me laugh.

[HeavenlyFocus]

I saw a meme recently that said "don't ever let anyone treat you like free salsa, you're guacamole baby.  You. Are. Guacamole." and it made me laugh.

Hi FW,

This made me laugh and I have already used this in a conversation that I had with someone.  Ha! 

Quick Journal:  I am extremely busy with the new job and I'm getting ready to move.  Will have an update as there is a lot a going with my XW.  I am doing well staying detached why still doing the right thing for my kids.   Will share more details when I have time and energy. 

HF

[JohnnyBravo]

Glad to see you check in, HF, and it certainly sounds like you have a lot going on... Hang in there!

[HeavenlyFocus]

Thanks JB.  Hope you hang in there too.  It’s been 5 months since decree was finalized for me and there are days I still can’t believe it.  It is getting easier with each day. 

HF

[FaithWalker]

Good to hear from you HF.  I hope the move is going well.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I am so glad to hear about the job and the progress you are making. You have really made a lot of progress in the almost two years since bomb drop. In that time period, you have dealt with your w's mlc, a divorce, moving, and finding a new job. Yet, you have handled all with such positive energy and a focus on what is best for your children. So I raise a toast to you! "Happy Father's Day!"

I also would share that my XW is still having health issues but seems to getting treatment after multiple doctor visits.   She seems to want to share updates on her health situation though calls and texts.  I continue to listen and be sympathetic while still keeping my distance.

There is a lot at play here. I have been on the forum for many years and find it fascinating that some MLCers maintain a connection or aspect of the marriage even after the divorce and for some even after marrying the alienator. It varies in context. Some maintain the need to discuss a variety of issues and others even complain about the new spouse to the old spouse. Like really?

I think it is best you keep your distance. She fired you as a husband. I mean it is if my old job called me up and asked me for my opinion on a decision. I would be polite, but no, I don't work for you anymore. I also agree that you can sympathize with her, but not empathize with her. Sympathy is caring about another person's problems and feelings; empathy is deeply understanding her thoughts and feelings as you did in the past.

In many ways, your sympathetic response is setting a solid boundary for your mental health and wellbeing.

Have a great day,

((((Ready))))

[HeavenlyFocus]

Thanks FW and Ready for you continued support.   Time to journal as there has been a lot of good things going on in my life as well as some movement with XW.

First, I have settled into my home and am absolutely am loving it.  My girls are enjoying the home too and have already had friends over in the first week.  The previous place wasn't ideal but it was best I could do to keep my girls in their desired schools.  My new job is also going well, and I'm about ready to start a new project.   It's exciting to be starting new work as I can feel all the change this year has been positive.

In the past week, I have finally felt peace that I haven't felt for years.   No drama has been wonderful and my kids seem to be thriving right now.  It's enough for me right now and I am grateful for the recent changes in my life.

As for my XW, there definitely has been some movement.   Since she has been sick over the past couple of months,  it has seemed to change her somewhat.   She hasn't Monstered with me at all and in fact has been very pleasant.   We have been co-parenting well together and she seems more invested in the kids now which is so different from BD when she seemed to care less about the kids.   Not sure if this will continue as she starts to feel better but for now I will take the peace that has come with this change.

As it is almost 2 years since BD, it seems to align with the timing potentially when a MLCer can start to exit replay.   At this point, I am not obsessing over her changes.   It's just important to note that Monster has gone away,  we are starting to reconnect at least as co-parents, and she has been contacting me more in the past 2 months.   She even took the kids to get me a thoughtful Father's day gift.   I haven't received anything thoughtful in the past 3-4 years so it was a nice change.

I also have been going back to review both RCR's and Hearts Blessing articles with the recent movement.   Not sure what will happen but I want to be prepared if XW continues her movement.   I am open to all options in my life and remain detached.  Letting her contact me and I will mirror her behavior for the time being.

I also am taking care of our dog this week who lives with XW.   With my new job's travel, having a dog permanently will not work  in my life.  It has been nice to have our dog back at my place.  I am planning to take her for a walk tonight as the temperatures are finally going to cool down here.

Will keep everyone updated on my progress.   I have moving forward and am grateful for the insights from all of you on this forum.

HF

[MadLuv]

Interesting update…will continue to follow to see if she continues some positive movement forward. So smart to read up all you can to prepare!!