[UrsaMajor]

Rereading the few lines I just wrote....wow......I am basically blaming myself for allowing it to go on before blaming him for being $h!tety. I honestly would rather get mad at myself for not having enough self love rather than calling him out. So much work to be done...lol.....

Recognizing that is the first step to healing

[xyzcf]

In my mind there is no need to blame yourself for feeling the way you do. Healing takes as long as it takes. I was thinking of an example. When you burn yourself the process of healing is going to take a certain amount of time. And most likely you are left with a scar.
Things happen in life that hurt. This hurts more than anything I have ever experienced even still.
Again, blaming him… is that helpful? I do not think they purposefully string us along. They are in crisis and really do not have a clue what this has done to us. We are collateral damage to their crisis.
Have patience. And accept that this changes us and it is darn hard to “ recover” from. Not our fault. We can do everything “ right” and still hurt .

[Schratz66]

Well, the monkeys are flying......I have not contacted him since he said we'd meet March 16th to discuss us.....anxiety of course is running at an all time high. We did not discuss a time or place so one of us has to reach out and ask .....it is so tempting for me to reach out but I want him to make an effort and show me that he is really wanting to meet. But, I also know how scatter brained he is ....ugh.....

In the mean time breathing exercises and redirecting thoughts and telling myself he either will or he won't remember and that in itself will show me all I need to know. I know I am strong enough if he does not and I will not reach out and ask why like I did last time. He was so consistent in insisting he wanted to meet ...I need to know if he is still in that mindset and I need to give him the chance to show me.

[UrsaMajor]

Exactly. If you are always the one to initiate contact, he knows you are still in your stasis box, right where he left you and are still available.

By letting him make the contact, 1) you know he is at least some what serious (as serious as a swiss-cheese-brain can be, and 2) he begins to get the idea that you are no longer waiting and pining away from him in your rocking chair and crocheting lace doilies until he returns.

Schratz has a life to live.... Schratz is Freeeeeeeeee......

[Schratz66]

Thank you Ursa......I need some tough love to stick with this.....oh, how I wish schratz was freeeeeeeeeeee of all this crazyness....lol

[Treasur]

I want to cheer on your courage and wisdom about not contacting him too.
Sounds easy to say, but we all understand how hard it can be to let go of old habits and give someone the opportunity to put their metaphorical money where their mouth is. Or not.

It is tempting in our navigation of the weirdness of MLC to almost forget what normal looks like, to slide perhaps from explanation to excuses about forgetfulness etc. So I want to remind you that in normal life people do not forget things that are priorities for them which they believe are important to remember if they do not want the consequences of forgetting. And whatever happens from here on, i’m sure you feel that you deserve a more normal life than you have had for a while....so it is wise to keep your hands off the levers and let the dice roll as they may to mix a metaphor. If you want a human who sees you as a priority and who can show up like a normal adult....and if he doesn’t again, it says nothing about you at all, just that he is not someone who is doing that. And it is rather a bare minimum requirement for having any kind of normal relationship of any kind as normal folks do.

[Schratz66]

Treasur....thank you so much...you really, really hit home with this one for me and I need all the validation I can get as the monkeys are on the trapeze.

In my mind (however convoluted it may be) it is absurd for me to keep making excuses for another adult. Sure, I would love to see him, but if I remind him or guilt him into it, then it really means nothing. It is the bare minimum and really not that much effort to ask if we are still on and when and where to meet.
He said all the right things, but will his actions match that ? I honestly have no idea and the next 3 days will be a nail biter for sure, but I have to stay strong.

If he does not reach out, I will not react and ask like I did last time. I will take it as a sign that nothing has changed and just keep on working on me.
In the real world, he should be appreciative that I even communicate with him at all and that I am willing to see him and it should not be me to beg for his company.

I should be the prize and not the other way around. I must stay strong and will sit on my hands if that is what it takes.

Thank you so much

[forthetrees]

Just knowing that the wise option is to not reach out doesn´t make it easier. Here´s a suggestion, if you make it through to 16th without reaching out first, already have in mind a treat for yourself perhaps a book or art supply that you´ve been pondering. By rewarding yourself for staying strong you are reinforcing your worth. And hey, if he falters, again, at least you´ve earned yourself something that you really wanted. Am rooting for you.

[UrsaMajor]

He said all the right things, but will his actions match that ? I honestly have no idea and the next 3 days will be a nail biter for sure, but I have to stay strong.

If he does not reach out, I will not react and ask like I did last time. I will take it as a sign that nothing has changed and just keep on working on me.

And if he DOES reach out (for once) it is NOT a sign that things have changed.... Consistent actions are what counts....

And regardless of whether he does or doesn't, you still keep working on you.... Here's your 2x4... <snort!>

I should be the prize and not the other way around.

[Biscuit]

Just knowing that the wise option is to not reach out doesn´t make it easier. Here´s a suggestion, if you make it through to 16th without reaching out first, already have in mind a treat for yourself perhaps a book or art supply that you´ve been pondering. By rewarding yourself for staying strong you are reinforcing your worth. And hey, if he falters, again, at least you´ve earned yourself something that you really wanted. Am rooting for you.

Personally I'd be booking something lovely for myself to do on the 17th. Not sure what that means for you? Maybe a treatment, massage, wellness session. For me it would be a gig or a trip to a museum or film. That way you have something nice to look forward to whatever happens this week.
Or try and see someone you haven't seen for ages, who you love spending time with.