Were you not tempted to frisbee it into the bin?
Referring to your title question, there seems to be rather more cake than salad from over here in the cheap seats. Why is that, do you think? Do you believe that standing = sucking up whatever comes and waiting it out? And are you ok to keep doing this for another 2/5/more years or until ow turns up the pressure/drama as it seems she is wont to do?
My worry reading your post is that you are inadvertently normalising things that should not be normal for you and your child. Like a dripping tap you no longer hear. Again jmo, but it reads like your h is getting what he wants, ow is turning up the volume bc she wants more and you are coping the best you can from day to day bc you do not want him to leave? Meanwhile, this has all becime the new normal….tea and cuddles, a P.O. Box for ow and off he goes on his agreed schedule. Is that fair? What are your boundaries right now? What do you say No to that he wants from you?
It isn’t my place or anyone else’s place to tell you what you should or should not do moving forward. Other peoples’ version of ok varies tremendously and anyone else who has had a live in situation like this knows how difficult it can be to work out how to live beside it.
What I will say is that ow’s behaviour is a big red flag to me that she is creeping closer into YOUR life. Or at least you and your son’s home where you should feel safe and at peace. Is she being territorial? Well, yes…it’s a very ow type thing bc most of imho are a bit dysfunctional themselves. Her reasons for doing so don’t matter and you can’t control that. But what is enough or too much for you? If her gifts/cards don’t get her the centrality she wants, what if she turns up the volume more? Threatens you or your son? Turns up at the house? I know that all sounds a bit Dateline but these things can happen when you are dealing with disordered people, and I soeak as someone who found out there was an own in my situation bc I started getting anonymous death threats and faeces on my doorstep.
It may not be of your choosing but it seems as if you are part of a triangle.
How does that feel to you?
And as a clue, every time you are thinking about ow and every time you are thinking about why your partner is doing what he’s doing, you are part of the triangle. A triangle that serves others interests but may not serve yours or your sons. And the only way to get out of a triangle like that is to literally refuse to play one’s role in the assigned corner. Or does it serve you? Idk. What do you get out of being part of this triangle?
Your h has invited this stranger into the edge of you and your son’s life. He will have talked about you to her. She may well believe, bc of what he has said, that you are the barrier to their happy ever after. And she is turning up the volume. Imho that poses a risk, maybe not a huge risk but still a risk, to you and your son’s safety and wellbeing and you should behave accordingly. That you should be clear with your h (sorry, I think it’s your partner, that you are not married?) that there is a line, that your home is your home and she has stepped over the line. That either he gets her to stop sending things to your home immediately or you will have to consider taking other steps to protect yourself and your child that will change the current set up.
And you should consider what those will be, or it’s an empty ultimatum, and there is no real boundary in place. Which means you thinking hard about what you are actually prepared to do to keep ow out of you and your son’s home and life. And if the answer is nothing, then you have your answer….and will just continue to cope with whatever ow or your partner decide to do. Which of course in a way is gambling your futures on their agenda or intentions, isn’t it? And being clear eyed about the risks or costs in normalising this. Bc from the cheap seats, it’s hard to see how the situation changes as it evidently suits your partner, and maybe even you as it feels better than other alternatives, but easy to see why ow might choose to turn up the volume.
What do you think?
How ok is this situation as it is for you?
What would be worse from your pov?
What do you fear most?
What would need to change from your pov to change the current status quo?
You don’t have to share your thoughts with us but imho these are questions worth your own consideration. And we are not judging, most of us have walked this awkward balance at least for a while, and we know that it is far from easy or straightforward. And indeed that sometimes we accept or try to work around things that we never thought we would. Which doesn’t always feel great either, like being caught between a rock and a hard place. We just want you and your son to be safe, well and happy.
And, in case it helps your reflections, you posted this in your first post….
I'm trying not to let him cake-eat but it's hard! He brings me a cup of tea in bed every morning, and if we're not on the school run, he'll climb in next to me and eat his toast. He seeks me out in the evenings to tell me about his day (often snuggles up and usually ends up chatting for hours) and he comes to ask me opinions on work etc. The boundaries are that there's nothing sexual, but there is intimacy and it has actually improved our relationship and made us closer. Think OW would hit the roof if she saw our daily interactions.
Well, that sounds like quite a lot of relationship cake to me. He gets to snuggle and chat and use you as a sounding board and source of emotional support. And he gets to have those things with is too….gosh, he must feel supported to the eyeballs
And tbh it sounds as if you are dancing an invisible pick me dance with ow on how ‘intimate’ you feel you are. How reciprocal is this? Do you also get the snuggles and support and sounding board you want in the way you want it? Does this sound like ‘we are not together, just coparenting’ to you? How much of your interaction is about coparenting and how much is about other things?
I have been GALing. Going out with girlfriends, sometimes a night away. He never knows who I'm with or where I've gone. I've told him that's a priviledge he's lost. I also don't cook for him, unless I want to. I don't clear up after him (but he still does all the laundry - result!). I've lost 45lbs, had my hair done at a fancy salon and am in better shape than when he met me. I've worked a lot on my own issues and have found a strength and resilience I didn't know I had.
Good for you….all good healthy stuff.
Sounds as if in some areas you are clear that he no longer has ‘husbandly’ privileges with some of the domestic stuff. And that you are enjoying some of your GAL. But it does sound as if, in your mind, he does have perhaps some other ‘husbandly’ privileges? Access to your room if carrying tea and toast? Your attention if he wants to talk about work stuff? Your implied permission to openly have his fortnightly ow schedule while presumably you pick up all of the domestic and child care stuff in his absence? So that probably raises the question of what you consider ‘husbandly’ vs ‘coparenting’ vs ‘sharing a house’ rights and responsibilities?
Just a thought…..
How to not eat cake when you live in a cake shop?
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