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Author Topic: My Story 7 years into this midlife hell (merged)

K
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My Story 7 years into this midlife hell (merged)
OP: April 05, 2016, 05:44:12 PM
Hello I'm new to the Forum I am Kevin wife I am sorry you are all going through this, I don't understand it myself still Married my husband is living a double life married to me? he does not want a Divorce and refuses to come home Saying not now or No I gave my husband and my stepchildren everything. I never saw this coming Married fifteen years still married my husband began a emotional affair on the computer in 2013, threw me out of my home against my will i did nothing to him, his father died he abandoned everybody and his kids, for her four hours away. his mother died a year later and he ran to the woman and moved in? My bomb drop was April 10, 2014 the speech ILYBNILWY I reacted but did not buy it, communication is hardly ever he keeps my apt phone open for messages, but has my cell blocked so i cant text or call it has become extreme difficult to understand this? he does not call me i have to leave him kind messages encouraging him home, he has been gone from me since October 25, 2013 2 years and six months to date gone, spoke with him and he was irritable told me to get a life, dont i have a life up here? and that he is done with everybody and everything can somebody shed some light kindly on whats happening to him if he is near the end of this nightmare storm. how i should react? how i can bring him home? i have tried everything?
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:) Kevin wife

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K wife,

I'm sorry you are going through this, it's gut wrenching.

May I please suggest you start your own thread?  It would help us better understand your situation and give you more individual help.
All you need to do is start "a new topic" to do that.

One thing is you may want to change your user name to K's wife.  We try to stay away from real names to protect everyone.

If you need help, please let us know.  We can help you.
We would love to hear more of your story.  I hope you keep posting.   :)
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

K
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 My husband started an affair in July 2013 on the computer after his father had passed away, he threw me out of my home we shared for no Reason? he never cheated on me before and I gave the man anything he wanted. I was forced to separate against my will and thrown into a apartment.

My husband started a affair on the computer four hours away from where we live and was going back and forth to her place, He abandoned his own children,wife,and everything and to this day can not tell us why? he does not want a divorce but does not want to come home either,he says not now to coming home, hangs up on me, i encourage kindly for him to come home and he just keeps saying not now? his mother passed in October 25, 2014 he ran to the other woman four hours away from here and nobody has seen or heard from him in this area since his mothers funeral? I have to make all contact and he tells me to leave him messages on his cell phone from my apt phone my cellphone is blocked from texting or calling him?

This does not make sense? he tells people no he doesn't want a divorce that's his wife? I made contact with him last Wednesday and he was talking like don't you have a life up there? find a friend boyfriend? I asked him whats the matter he cant answer me? he gave me a speech ILYBNILWY almost killed me when he said I Love You But Im Not In Love With You? on April 10, 2014.

He is living a double life married to me? four hours away from a internet affair? my husband was not computer friendly this is a nightmare, My question is Do they ever wake up and realize what they have done and come home? i have tried everything including letting him know he is done! and he will lose me as his wife! is there anything I can say to bring him back home? still Married fifteen years and what stage do you think he is in?
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« Last Edit: April 06, 2016, 04:01:54 PM by Anjae »
:) Kevin wife

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Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Do you want a mentor?

Please make a post that says so and
If so one will be assigned shortly.

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
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Hi K's Wife,

No there is nothing you can say or do to get him to want to come back.
He is in a fantasy life in his head right now. 

I have a question.  Do you two own your home together?  I'm not understanding how he can kick you out of your home.  You have every right to be there.  Maybe you need to get some legal advice to protect yourself.
I'm not saying divorce him but find out what your rights are, as far as where you need to live.
Usually THEY are the ones who should move out.

One thing, I would stop contacting him.  No talking about your relationship or asking him questions.  It is all seen as pressure from them.
If he contacts you just be light and friendly...nothing more.
But like I said, I would get some legal advice as soon as you can.
Hope this helps.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Kw
   Don't drive yourself  crazy wondering what stage he is in ,,,I know i did that too.like if I knew then I would know when he would come out and come home ...take my advice it will only drive u batty
    Good luck and this site and these people are wonderful read as much as you can ask questions post as much as you need to whether anyone replies or not they are reading again good luck
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Hello Kevin Wife:

your story is truly heartbreaking, like so many of them here in this forum.

He is clearly in the beginning of a MLC and u need to brace yourself because it will be a very bumpy ride.
As we always remind the ladies and gentlemen in this forum, u need to keep in mind that this is NOT ABOUT YOU.

They go through phases where they question their life choices , if they have missed a boat there somewhere in a distance, they wonder "is this it for me??? for the rest of my life"? . The daily routine becomes boring so they start seeking the thrill outside of their homes believing in their delusional minds, that the grass is so much greener on the other side.

I feel that unfortunately, your husband is at the beginning of his journey, and u need to buckle your seats belts because it will get rather bumpy!!

There is so much devastation in this, but the more you arm yourself with knowledge about MLC and the more empowered you will feel. It is not easy by all means as this condition leaves a path of destruction.

I don't want to overwhelm you but there are some things that u will have to keep reminding yourself , almost as a mantra:

- IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
- ATTEMPTS OF WRITING LETTERS, BEGGING, TRYING TO REASON WITH THEM , IS NOT GOING TO WORK .
  U REPRESENT THE ENEMY AND THEY WILL BLAME YOU FOR THEIR MISERY .
- There have been evidences that MLC carries almost like traits of personality disorder , more or less. So
  LOOK AT THIS AS IF IT WAS A DISEASE. HE IS HURTING INSIDE MORE THAN U CAN EVER IMAGINE. HE
  WILL BE IN THIS DARK TUNNEL FOR A LONG TIME.
-MOST IMPORTANT: TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF . YOUR HEALTH AND WELL BEING IS THE ESSENCE FOR THIS.
-DETACH AND LOVE HIM FROM A DISTANCE (this is an art that we all have learned here) .
-BE STRONG FOR YOURSELF, YOUR KIDS AND FOR HIM. U WILL REMAIN HIS BEACON OF HOPE . WHEN
 EVERYTHING ELSE FAILS AROUND HIM, HE WILL HAVE YOU AS HIS ANCHOR.
-TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME.
-DO NOT
 DO NOT
 DO NOT
 DO NOT ENGAGE HIM IN FIGHTS OR ALTERCATIONS. LEARN ANOTHER ART OF WALKING AWAY.
-WHATEVER HE WILL SPEW BACK AT YOU, LET IT ROLL IT OFF YOUR SHOULDER. ( remember they are angry at themselves , but their anger and finger pointing , make it look like is your fault. In MLC crisis, this is called "projection" ).
-DO NOT FORCE HIM TO GO TO COUNSELING. IT WONT SOLVE HIS PROBLEMS. HE WILL HAVE TO GO  THROUGH THE CYCLES OF THIS PERSONAL VOYAGE.


Unfortunately u need to stand back and watch him destroy himself . Hard to do when we love them so much and we want so much their happiness. He is in a "valley" right now, and he will have to take a lot of twists and turns , falls, and running into walls before he gets himself out. Again, nothing more difficult than watching the love of your life destroying himself and your family.

U Will find talents and strengths within yourself that u never thought u had. And what i mean by talent, is the art of patience and walking away. You will learn so much . U will fall but then u pick yourself up again.

It is an horrible, horrible path that unfortunately , without ever asking for it, u found yourself in it. So now , u are in the eye of the storm. I know right now is difficult to see it, but at the end of every storm there is always the sun.

One day at a time darling! and please remember to BREATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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"Never judge a book by its cover".

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Hi and welcome,

Your husband is in Replay. The stage were most of our spouses are in. The exceptions being those with light and purple icons, the ones who are reconnecting and reconciling. Replay can take a very long time, so, try not to worry about the stage.

Yes, MLCers do wake up, realise what they have done, and often want to come back home. What happens a lot of times, because MLC takes so long, is that the LBS has moved on.

We have some board members who have had crisis of their own. Maybe reading their threads can give you some insight into a MLCer's mind.

Of late, Sewing http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7533.0 has been posting about her own crisis, how she wishes she could go back to her first husband.

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5763.0 Return Stories Part Three, a thread of return stories that board members have heard of.

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5826.0 MLC Script VI  . This thread, and its predecessors, can give insight into the script (the ways) MLCers follow.

Early on MLCers are extremely confused. One day they want one thing, the next another. Thunder is right, find out what your legal rights are. It does not mean divorce your MLCer, only to be prepared. Also, make sure you are financially secure.

No, there is nothing you can do to bring your husband home. Yes, unbelievable it may be, MLCers start on-line affairs and even leave their spouses for someone they have never meet before and lives miles/hours away.

Maybe your husband has blocked his phone to your calls or texts Maybe he have not, and he simply will not take/reply to them. Leave him a message the way he have requested. If he has an e-mail address, and it is something you need in writing - sometimes it is important to have things written down - e-mail him. Be brief, cordial and to the point. MLCers are not capable of handle more than minimum information.

And the most important of all, focus on yourself and on your children.
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Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

K
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Hello Kevin Wife:

your story is truly heartbreaking, like so many of them here in this forum.

He is clearly in the beginning of a MLC and u need to brace yourself because it will be a very bumpy ride.
As we always remind the ladies and gentlemen in this forum, u need to keep in mind that this is NOT ABOUT YOU.

They go through phases where they question their life choices , if they have missed a boat there somewhere in a distance, they wonder "is this it for me??? for the rest of my life"? . The daily routine becomes boring so they start seeking the thrill outside of their homes believing in their delusional minds, that the grass is so much greener on the other side.

I feel that unfortunately, your husband is at the beginning of his journey, and u need to buckle your seats belts because it will get rather bumpy!!

There is so much devastation in this, but the more you arm yourself with knowledge about MLC and the more empowered you will feel. It is not easy by all means as this condition leaves a path of destruction.

I don't want to overwhelm you but there are some things that u will have to keep reminding yourself , almost as a mantra:

- IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
- ATTEMPTS OF WRITING LETTERS, BEGGING, TRYING TO REASON WITH THEM , IS NOT GOING TO WORK .
  U REPRESENT THE ENEMY AND THEY WILL BLAME YOU FOR THEIR MISERY .
- There have been evidences that MLC carries almost like traits of personality disorder , more or less. So
  LOOK AT THIS AS IF IT WAS A DISEASE. HE IS HURTING INSIDE MORE THAN U CAN EVER IMAGINE. HE
  WILL BE IN THIS DARK TUNNEL FOR A LONG TIME.
-MOST IMPORTANT: TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF . YOUR HEALTH AND WELL BEING IS THE ESSENCE FOR THIS.
-DETACH AND LOVE HIM FROM A DISTANCE (this is an art that we all have learned here) .
-BE STRONG FOR YOURSELF, YOUR KIDS AND FOR HIM. U WILL REMAIN HIS BEACON OF HOPE . WHEN
 EVERYTHING ELSE FAILS AROUND HIM, HE WILL HAVE YOU AS HIS ANCHOR.
-TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME.
-DO NOT
 DO NOT
 DO NOT
 DO NOT ENGAGE HIM IN FIGHTS OR ALTERCATIONS. LEARN ANOTHER ART OF WALKING AWAY.
-WHATEVER HE WILL SPEW BACK AT YOU, LET IT ROLL IT OFF YOUR SHOULDER. ( remember they are angry at themselves , but their anger and finger pointing , make it look like is your fault. In MLC crisis, this is called "projection" ).
-DO NOT FORCE HIM TO GO TO COUNSELING. IT WONT SOLVE HIS PROBLEMS. HE WILL HAVE TO GO  THROUGH THE CYCLES OF THIS PERSONAL VOYAGE.


Unfortunately u need to stand back and watch him destroy himself . Hard to do when we love them so much and we want so much their happiness. He is in a "valley" right now, and he will have to take a lot of twists and turns , falls, and running into walls before he gets himself out. Again, nothing more difficult than watching the love of your life destroying himself and your family.

U Will find talents and strengths within yourself that u never thought u had. And what i mean by talent, is the art of patience and walking away. You will learn so much . U will fall but then u pick yourself up again.

It is an horrible, horrible path that unfortunately , without ever asking for it, u found yourself in it. So now , u are in the eye of the storm. I know right now is difficult to see it, but at the end of every storm there is always the sun.

One day at a time darling! and please remember to BREATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello Thank you for the kind words and encouragement we did everything together so this is very out of sorts of him, It started after his Dads death in 2013 online without my knowledge I worked two jobs, gave him anything he wanted.Its been 2 and half years gone? he walked away from all of us and none of his children talk to him but 1 its a mess
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« Last Edit: April 07, 2016, 06:29:43 AM by OldPilot »
:) Kevin wife

K
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Thank you all for kind words, I have never seen anything like this Midlife Hell! It has been Two and half years  i have been in this Nightmare!and he has been gone? Anniversary, Birthdays special events nothing? I worked two jobs and gave my husband anything he wanted. He was very close to his Father he passed on July 2013, Cell phone started being locked, could not use the computer without permission, Irritable to Children, not Sleeping, quiet, moods up and down, he asked me to leave the apt i shared with him in a forced separation against my will? Nothing Legal feel like I'm married to a ghost.I have good days and bad days knowing my husband is living a double life married to me four hours away from me he does not contact me, Nobody has seen him in this area since his mother died in Oct 2014 he moved in with ow.

Abandoning his family without warning, he says terrible things that are unlike this man? I have recently found out that his affair has crashed and burned not a surprise! A Internet floosie somebody he doesn't know? I believe this started in 2010 but never knew anything about Midlife crisis or Male Manopause. None of the kids speak with him at all except 1 and they are fighting now, they are confused and don't understand? its heartbreaking! He doesn't want to lose me, but tells me to find a boyfriend find a friend? He says the Grass is not greener on the other side, but stays where he is? I ask him to come home he says not now?
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« Last Edit: April 06, 2016, 07:17:37 PM by Anjae »
:) Kevin wife

 

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