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Author Topic: My Story 7 years into this midlife hell (merged)

K
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My Story 7 years into this midlife hell (merged)
OP: April 05, 2016, 05:44:12 PM
Hello I'm new to the Forum I am Kevin wife I am sorry you are all going through this, I don't understand it myself still Married my husband is living a double life married to me? he does not want a Divorce and refuses to come home Saying not now or No I gave my husband and my stepchildren everything. I never saw this coming Married fifteen years still married my husband began a emotional affair on the computer in 2013, threw me out of my home against my will i did nothing to him, his father died he abandoned everybody and his kids, for her four hours away. his mother died a year later and he ran to the woman and moved in? My bomb drop was April 10, 2014 the speech ILYBNILWY I reacted but did not buy it, communication is hardly ever he keeps my apt phone open for messages, but has my cell blocked so i cant text or call it has become extreme difficult to understand this? he does not call me i have to leave him kind messages encouraging him home, he has been gone from me since October 25, 2013 2 years and six months to date gone, spoke with him and he was irritable told me to get a life, dont i have a life up here? and that he is done with everybody and everything can somebody shed some light kindly on whats happening to him if he is near the end of this nightmare storm. how i should react? how i can bring him home? i have tried everything?
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:) Kevin wife

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K wife,

I'm sorry you are going through this, it's gut wrenching.

May I please suggest you start your own thread?  It would help us better understand your situation and give you more individual help.
All you need to do is start "a new topic" to do that.

One thing is you may want to change your user name to K's wife.  We try to stay away from real names to protect everyone.

If you need help, please let us know.  We can help you.
We would love to hear more of your story.  I hope you keep posting.   :)
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

K
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 My husband started an affair in July 2013 on the computer after his father had passed away, he threw me out of my home we shared for no Reason? he never cheated on me before and I gave the man anything he wanted. I was forced to separate against my will and thrown into a apartment.

My husband started a affair on the computer four hours away from where we live and was going back and forth to her place, He abandoned his own children,wife,and everything and to this day can not tell us why? he does not want a divorce but does not want to come home either,he says not now to coming home, hangs up on me, i encourage kindly for him to come home and he just keeps saying not now? his mother passed in October 25, 2014 he ran to the other woman four hours away from here and nobody has seen or heard from him in this area since his mothers funeral? I have to make all contact and he tells me to leave him messages on his cell phone from my apt phone my cellphone is blocked from texting or calling him?

This does not make sense? he tells people no he doesn't want a divorce that's his wife? I made contact with him last Wednesday and he was talking like don't you have a life up there? find a friend boyfriend? I asked him whats the matter he cant answer me? he gave me a speech ILYBNILWY almost killed me when he said I Love You But Im Not In Love With You? on April 10, 2014.

He is living a double life married to me? four hours away from a internet affair? my husband was not computer friendly this is a nightmare, My question is Do they ever wake up and realize what they have done and come home? i have tried everything including letting him know he is done! and he will lose me as his wife! is there anything I can say to bring him back home? still Married fifteen years and what stage do you think he is in?
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« Last Edit: April 06, 2016, 04:01:54 PM by Anjae »
:) Kevin wife

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Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Do you want a mentor?

Please make a post that says so and
If so one will be assigned shortly.

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
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Hi K's Wife,

No there is nothing you can say or do to get him to want to come back.
He is in a fantasy life in his head right now. 

I have a question.  Do you two own your home together?  I'm not understanding how he can kick you out of your home.  You have every right to be there.  Maybe you need to get some legal advice to protect yourself.
I'm not saying divorce him but find out what your rights are, as far as where you need to live.
Usually THEY are the ones who should move out.

One thing, I would stop contacting him.  No talking about your relationship or asking him questions.  It is all seen as pressure from them.
If he contacts you just be light and friendly...nothing more.
But like I said, I would get some legal advice as soon as you can.
Hope this helps.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Kw
   Don't drive yourself  crazy wondering what stage he is in ,,,I know i did that too.like if I knew then I would know when he would come out and come home ...take my advice it will only drive u batty
    Good luck and this site and these people are wonderful read as much as you can ask questions post as much as you need to whether anyone replies or not they are reading again good luck
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Hello Kevin Wife:

your story is truly heartbreaking, like so many of them here in this forum.

He is clearly in the beginning of a MLC and u need to brace yourself because it will be a very bumpy ride.
As we always remind the ladies and gentlemen in this forum, u need to keep in mind that this is NOT ABOUT YOU.

They go through phases where they question their life choices , if they have missed a boat there somewhere in a distance, they wonder "is this it for me??? for the rest of my life"? . The daily routine becomes boring so they start seeking the thrill outside of their homes believing in their delusional minds, that the grass is so much greener on the other side.

I feel that unfortunately, your husband is at the beginning of his journey, and u need to buckle your seats belts because it will get rather bumpy!!

There is so much devastation in this, but the more you arm yourself with knowledge about MLC and the more empowered you will feel. It is not easy by all means as this condition leaves a path of destruction.

I don't want to overwhelm you but there are some things that u will have to keep reminding yourself , almost as a mantra:

- IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
- ATTEMPTS OF WRITING LETTERS, BEGGING, TRYING TO REASON WITH THEM , IS NOT GOING TO WORK .
  U REPRESENT THE ENEMY AND THEY WILL BLAME YOU FOR THEIR MISERY .
- There have been evidences that MLC carries almost like traits of personality disorder , more or less. So
  LOOK AT THIS AS IF IT WAS A DISEASE. HE IS HURTING INSIDE MORE THAN U CAN EVER IMAGINE. HE
  WILL BE IN THIS DARK TUNNEL FOR A LONG TIME.
-MOST IMPORTANT: TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF . YOUR HEALTH AND WELL BEING IS THE ESSENCE FOR THIS.
-DETACH AND LOVE HIM FROM A DISTANCE (this is an art that we all have learned here) .
-BE STRONG FOR YOURSELF, YOUR KIDS AND FOR HIM. U WILL REMAIN HIS BEACON OF HOPE . WHEN
 EVERYTHING ELSE FAILS AROUND HIM, HE WILL HAVE YOU AS HIS ANCHOR.
-TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME.
-DO NOT
 DO NOT
 DO NOT
 DO NOT ENGAGE HIM IN FIGHTS OR ALTERCATIONS. LEARN ANOTHER ART OF WALKING AWAY.
-WHATEVER HE WILL SPEW BACK AT YOU, LET IT ROLL IT OFF YOUR SHOULDER. ( remember they are angry at themselves , but their anger and finger pointing , make it look like is your fault. In MLC crisis, this is called "projection" ).
-DO NOT FORCE HIM TO GO TO COUNSELING. IT WONT SOLVE HIS PROBLEMS. HE WILL HAVE TO GO  THROUGH THE CYCLES OF THIS PERSONAL VOYAGE.


Unfortunately u need to stand back and watch him destroy himself . Hard to do when we love them so much and we want so much their happiness. He is in a "valley" right now, and he will have to take a lot of twists and turns , falls, and running into walls before he gets himself out. Again, nothing more difficult than watching the love of your life destroying himself and your family.

U Will find talents and strengths within yourself that u never thought u had. And what i mean by talent, is the art of patience and walking away. You will learn so much . U will fall but then u pick yourself up again.

It is an horrible, horrible path that unfortunately , without ever asking for it, u found yourself in it. So now , u are in the eye of the storm. I know right now is difficult to see it, but at the end of every storm there is always the sun.

One day at a time darling! and please remember to BREATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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"Never judge a book by its cover".

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Hi and welcome,

Your husband is in Replay. The stage were most of our spouses are in. The exceptions being those with light and purple icons, the ones who are reconnecting and reconciling. Replay can take a very long time, so, try not to worry about the stage.

Yes, MLCers do wake up, realise what they have done, and often want to come back home. What happens a lot of times, because MLC takes so long, is that the LBS has moved on.

We have some board members who have had crisis of their own. Maybe reading their threads can give you some insight into a MLCer's mind.

Of late, Sewing http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7533.0 has been posting about her own crisis, how she wishes she could go back to her first husband.

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5763.0 Return Stories Part Three, a thread of return stories that board members have heard of.

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5826.0 MLC Script VI  . This thread, and its predecessors, can give insight into the script (the ways) MLCers follow.

Early on MLCers are extremely confused. One day they want one thing, the next another. Thunder is right, find out what your legal rights are. It does not mean divorce your MLCer, only to be prepared. Also, make sure you are financially secure.

No, there is nothing you can do to bring your husband home. Yes, unbelievable it may be, MLCers start on-line affairs and even leave their spouses for someone they have never meet before and lives miles/hours away.

Maybe your husband has blocked his phone to your calls or texts Maybe he have not, and he simply will not take/reply to them. Leave him a message the way he have requested. If he has an e-mail address, and it is something you need in writing - sometimes it is important to have things written down - e-mail him. Be brief, cordial and to the point. MLCers are not capable of handle more than minimum information.

And the most important of all, focus on yourself and on your children.
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Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

K
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Hello Kevin Wife:

your story is truly heartbreaking, like so many of them here in this forum.

He is clearly in the beginning of a MLC and u need to brace yourself because it will be a very bumpy ride.
As we always remind the ladies and gentlemen in this forum, u need to keep in mind that this is NOT ABOUT YOU.

They go through phases where they question their life choices , if they have missed a boat there somewhere in a distance, they wonder "is this it for me??? for the rest of my life"? . The daily routine becomes boring so they start seeking the thrill outside of their homes believing in their delusional minds, that the grass is so much greener on the other side.

I feel that unfortunately, your husband is at the beginning of his journey, and u need to buckle your seats belts because it will get rather bumpy!!

There is so much devastation in this, but the more you arm yourself with knowledge about MLC and the more empowered you will feel. It is not easy by all means as this condition leaves a path of destruction.

I don't want to overwhelm you but there are some things that u will have to keep reminding yourself , almost as a mantra:

- IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
- ATTEMPTS OF WRITING LETTERS, BEGGING, TRYING TO REASON WITH THEM , IS NOT GOING TO WORK .
  U REPRESENT THE ENEMY AND THEY WILL BLAME YOU FOR THEIR MISERY .
- There have been evidences that MLC carries almost like traits of personality disorder , more or less. So
  LOOK AT THIS AS IF IT WAS A DISEASE. HE IS HURTING INSIDE MORE THAN U CAN EVER IMAGINE. HE
  WILL BE IN THIS DARK TUNNEL FOR A LONG TIME.
-MOST IMPORTANT: TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF . YOUR HEALTH AND WELL BEING IS THE ESSENCE FOR THIS.
-DETACH AND LOVE HIM FROM A DISTANCE (this is an art that we all have learned here) .
-BE STRONG FOR YOURSELF, YOUR KIDS AND FOR HIM. U WILL REMAIN HIS BEACON OF HOPE . WHEN
 EVERYTHING ELSE FAILS AROUND HIM, HE WILL HAVE YOU AS HIS ANCHOR.
-TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME.
-DO NOT
 DO NOT
 DO NOT
 DO NOT ENGAGE HIM IN FIGHTS OR ALTERCATIONS. LEARN ANOTHER ART OF WALKING AWAY.
-WHATEVER HE WILL SPEW BACK AT YOU, LET IT ROLL IT OFF YOUR SHOULDER. ( remember they are angry at themselves , but their anger and finger pointing , make it look like is your fault. In MLC crisis, this is called "projection" ).
-DO NOT FORCE HIM TO GO TO COUNSELING. IT WONT SOLVE HIS PROBLEMS. HE WILL HAVE TO GO  THROUGH THE CYCLES OF THIS PERSONAL VOYAGE.


Unfortunately u need to stand back and watch him destroy himself . Hard to do when we love them so much and we want so much their happiness. He is in a "valley" right now, and he will have to take a lot of twists and turns , falls, and running into walls before he gets himself out. Again, nothing more difficult than watching the love of your life destroying himself and your family.

U Will find talents and strengths within yourself that u never thought u had. And what i mean by talent, is the art of patience and walking away. You will learn so much . U will fall but then u pick yourself up again.

It is an horrible, horrible path that unfortunately , without ever asking for it, u found yourself in it. So now , u are in the eye of the storm. I know right now is difficult to see it, but at the end of every storm there is always the sun.

One day at a time darling! and please remember to BREATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello Thank you for the kind words and encouragement we did everything together so this is very out of sorts of him, It started after his Dads death in 2013 online without my knowledge I worked two jobs, gave him anything he wanted.Its been 2 and half years gone? he walked away from all of us and none of his children talk to him but 1 its a mess
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« Last Edit: April 07, 2016, 06:29:43 AM by OldPilot »
:) Kevin wife

K
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Thank you all for kind words, I have never seen anything like this Midlife Hell! It has been Two and half years  i have been in this Nightmare!and he has been gone? Anniversary, Birthdays special events nothing? I worked two jobs and gave my husband anything he wanted. He was very close to his Father he passed on July 2013, Cell phone started being locked, could not use the computer without permission, Irritable to Children, not Sleeping, quiet, moods up and down, he asked me to leave the apt i shared with him in a forced separation against my will? Nothing Legal feel like I'm married to a ghost.I have good days and bad days knowing my husband is living a double life married to me four hours away from me he does not contact me, Nobody has seen him in this area since his mother died in Oct 2014 he moved in with ow.

Abandoning his family without warning, he says terrible things that are unlike this man? I have recently found out that his affair has crashed and burned not a surprise! A Internet floosie somebody he doesn't know? I believe this started in 2010 but never knew anything about Midlife crisis or Male Manopause. None of the kids speak with him at all except 1 and they are fighting now, they are confused and don't understand? its heartbreaking! He doesn't want to lose me, but tells me to find a boyfriend find a friend? He says the Grass is not greener on the other side, but stays where he is? I ask him to come home he says not now?
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« Last Edit: April 06, 2016, 07:17:37 PM by Anjae »
:) Kevin wife

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Weird, isn't it? The grass is not greener in the other side, but the MLCer still does not want to come home. Not now, at least.

And that is part of the crisis. They will only come home when they are ready/able to, even in the grass is brown and super dry in the other side.

Parents, or other relatives or friends, dying, is something that can drive people into MLC. Your husband lost both his parents in the space of an year and three months. That can send people into a downward spiral.

I, and others, have seen some of the same thing you saw in your husband early on. Not sleeping, irritable, not wanting us near the computer we had always shared, etc. Of course lack of sleep leads to irritability. The more sleep the MLCers lacks, the more irritable they will become.

OW is, at first, a distraction, a high. They think OW will magically make all their problems to go away. That they will be happy if they leave and go live with her. It will not. They will still be miserable.

I have been legally married for nearly 10 years to a man who lives over 300 kilometers away, and that I never see. Not speak with, bar for the odd legal or financial issue. But, after all these years, I no longer feel married.

Sadly, yes, the separation is forced upon us. We have no say in it. It is not a joint decision, it is not how things in a marriage should be. But MLC is not a marital issue, it is a personal issue of the MLCer. We are put aside, and until they resolve their issues, we barely, if at all, exist.   
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Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

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Good morning sweetheart:

MLC is truly horrible because it is something that completely comes out from left field. U don't see it coming, if they may feel something "on the inside" , they choose not to talk about it. Men are usually more introvert as they have been taught to be grown ups "men" and not being "sissy" , or crying over spilled milk. So, overall, opening up about something it is truly hard. But of course not everyone is like that.Unfortunately they start to slowly "crack" on the inside, until the full explosion.

Like Anjae wrote, loosing your parents - or any traumatic event for that matter - send a person on a downward spiral. Mine , was a job overseas that gave him absolutely nothing. SO, again, grass wasn't greener at all. He found himself in a valley full of emptiness.

I heard about Hell, I read about it in the spiritual sense, but ...boy oh boy......i don't think any other nightmares can match this crisis up!!!

Sometimes all of this is so foreign, and shocking that I literally find myself sitting "spacing out" or someone may ask me a question...but I'm in my own world. Im at the point that Im not even sure is this is MLC in my case. Although the phases evolve in the same way, I have been reading a lot about "spiritual awakenings" - which put things in a much milder way, but the results are the same . I looked up also the subjects on soul mates, karmic relationships and "twin flame". In the twin flames relationships , everything goes perfect and then - just like MLC - the person drops u like a hot potato. But then eventually reunites. Depending if I look at it from the psychological view point , or spiritual or social...there seem to be a common thread in all of this: a new person. The death of the old one, and the rebirth of the new.

I even spoke to a spiritual taoist teacher who explained to me about "the splitting of the soul" , where they choose one "personality " over the other, or where they may keep some traits of the old one and acquire new ones. And again, same as MLC, they go spacing out and vanish in there tunnel until they are reborn again. He warned me that the person that comes back, I MAY NOT LIKE IT. Or he could be better than before. So, Im here wondering WTF????? waiting for what??? honestly, i don't even know anymore as Im so confused myself. But one thing i know is for sure: all these notions they do intertwine with each others and they go hand-in-hand with one another.

So whats the point of all of this U may wonder....first: maybe Im venting a bit!!!! LOL...but my point is that no matter how we look at it and from which angle, something so unfortunate has happened to the love of our lives. I still love him and adore him but I also know that this process of transformation , or "rebirth", or "exiting the tunnel", may take a while . It will all happen, this  much I know. They will come back home, this much we can feel it in our bones. But the question is really this: where are YOU ( WE ) going to be by then???

I don't think the Universe want us to sit home and despair over something that we have absolutely no control over it. SO we must be capable to keep on moving with our life, gather strength and be there - if we are still available - for them when they come home. But in the meantime, we need to live our lives and not live like victims. We need to raise our own "vibrations" to the Universe and feel whole inside, and watch how things are going to happen. For it may seem a long time, at times, acceleration from the Universe happens.

Im also trying so very hard to "shake off" of me this label as LBS. Even if thats what happened to us, psychologically it is such a detrimental path for us. I don't want to feel "imprisoned" by this label . We are what we think. So, the way IM trying to turn it around in my head is picturing my S/O as if he was in "coma". He listens to me and to my love but he is not yet awake .

Darling, as horrible as all of this is, I have accepted the situation and know that whatever this is, i can't control it and can't do anything about it. But I do believe consciously that the Universe will answer it in its Divine Timing. Make PEACE that  u cannot change it and try to strengthen yourself with anything that makes u feel better. When u feel better , and they see your transformation, they will want to match up their energies to yours ...maybe u are on to something good that they are missing out and feel left out!!!

I also read that this MLC has forced us to also transform ourselves. So we are forced to reinvent ourselves . In a way, we are now coming across our own crisis or spiritual awakenings. Understanding that everything in this Universe changes, and nothing is static maybe will help us that we truly have no control over anything EXCEPT OURSELVES and OUR OWN HAPPINESS. In few words, our husband or companion is simply a BONUS ( I read it somewhere! ) who is with us for the ride. Therefore, thats why we cannot depend on them for our emotional well beings.

I hope i made any sense in this post.... if i didn't ...then call it "venting " on my part or simply "reflecting" ...
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K
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Yes its very confusing to understand whats happening to my husband? I lost my Parents also and never threw my husband out or left him?

The timeline does make sense, we were always close until his Father died July 2013, October 2013 i was asked to leave the apartment for no reason?given a 30 day intenteviction paper fake printed off the computer,On October 25,2013 not understanding and the day was a blur I left when I didn't have too!We became Grand Parents for the first time in Jan 2014, My husband said terrible things and was very irritable still keeping in contact with me,

My husband came around in April10 2014 we were out to dinner trying to figure out where we were going? he turns to me and says on April 10, 20014 ILYBNILWY ( I love you but I am not in love with you! ) almost killed me! I said what??? I am your wife what did you say? he says I don't know what did I say?I said again i am your wife! he said no your not your a friend? I said yes your best friend I am your wife. At this point i feel as I am crazy and hearing things? His mother passed on October 25, 2014, I believe he started the internet affair after i was kicked out of my apt we shared in October 2013 ?

I asked him if he was coming with me and he said no im doing this to protect you as my wife! he was serious. I said protect me from what? the mothership thats going to pick you up? he laughed we always had a good sense of humor together did everything together im told he is my twin flame, soulmate. October 25, 2014 was the day his mother was buried he packed a bag and ran to her the ow moved in immediate with only clothes, left everything the same up here didnt touch anything or move anything? names on everything still the same, nothing taken or out of sorts like he just going to walk back up to the door?

i been in this Nightmare two years six months maybe before that i cant tell what stage he is in. He is four hours away from me miserable, looking for that Grass is Greener  when he has it right here with his wife/ family, the damage he has done to his family is catastrophic! i mean everybody his own Kids,Wife,Brothers,Sisters, walked away from friends no contact with them me, i have to leave messages on his cell phone from another phone about things we own together, he never calls me back? he blocked my cell phone Feb 14, 2014 and leaves my apartment phone open to call him? i have given my husband lots off space have not called him recently.

He left On Oct 25,2014 ran to ow  has not been back to this area since then to date nobody has seen or heard from him but me recently and he was nasty saying don't you have a life up there? find a friend/ find a boyfriend i am just fine? i get off the phone i have a spin head? Not Now to coming home, Grass is Not greener for sure but he still there and miserable, he doing and saying everything the opposite of him? its gut wrenching and I am heartbroken this has effected me badly i move forward work two jobs, do things with my friends, stay busy he never texts me or calls me since he Ran on Oct 25,2014 my stepson has encouraged him home also nothing

TWO YEARS SIX MONTHS OF HELL! I pray to God the fog lifts and he comes home! Married fifteen years still married four stepchildren that are my kids suffering without him they ask me why i dont even know why? he says i don't know, yes, no, not now, not happening, whatever, cool, peace out, he is going to be 54 years old in May. and his affair is over yet he still living in that town in a room instead of coming home? I lost it a few days ago and told him he is done! i just snapped and he said he done with everybody! i asked come home then not now? feel my pain! Blessings and thank you for all of your stories also stay strong
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« Last Edit: April 10, 2016, 05:10:53 PM by Anjae »
:) Kevin wife

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Two days away from the April 10,2014 Bomb drop for the two year mark been in this hell for two years six months? Bomb drop day was a special day our Dating Anniversary sixteen years ago? We were out to dinner deciding where we were going to go? when he turned to me and said ILYBINILWY it almost killed me and it didnt make any sense. From that day forward the Rollercoaster has been turbulant as i try to move forward and pick up the pieces of the storm. I have good days and bad i just dont know what to say to him anymore? Im standing and the damage is catastrophic to me and family
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:) Kevin wife

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K,

It's hard when they go in this crisis.  They get confused and selfish....and they will hurt you.

All you can do is take good care of yourself and try to not contact him for now.

He has demons he is fighting and you can't help him.  I'm sorry.  Just know you did nothing to cause this.  He will be in crazyland for some time.
Do you have a counselor you can talk to?  It can help you get through this.

Big Hug
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Good morning darling,

this rollercoaster will unfortunately last for awhile.

But watch the way u will evolve for yourself. You will get stronger with each passing day...give it time. Most of all, be patient with yourself. Grieve when u feel to, always express your emotions and don't keep anything inside. We ALL have been through it....and we are still here alive and kicking. But the common factor is that WE ALL UNDERSTAND ONE ANOTHER HERE!! We are all here supporting you ....hung n there...

Just one step at time.....xxxx
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Today was bomb drop two years ago today on April 10, 2014 it also is our fifteen year dating anniversary, i heard his voice this morning as he called me, and i still get butterflys in my stomach when i hear his voice, he started out mean and got softer when i didnt react, or argue or raise my voice, he kept telling me its not the ow fault its his and all he wants me to be happy, that i told him i was with or without him, he kept saying you need to find a boyfriend and be happy, He started rewriting history past and i let him talk and to to explain? nothing he said made sense so i listened and he started to get warmer towards me and i caved and told him I love him and he hung up. Dont know if this is testing the waters or not? but im still standing two and a half years later.I do talk with a therapist Thunder Thank you for your kind words. Thank you everyone for your kind words
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I think u handled yourself beautifully!!

U didn't "cave in" when U told him ILY. It's perfectly fine. U speak through your heart and thats how you feel. Be authentic with yourself. Never deny your feelings.

Hugs, HP.
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7 years into this midlife hell
#18: November 21, 2021, 11:27:27 PM
Hello all I’m 7 years into this Midlife Crisis Hell with my husband I’m still Standing it’s something I don’t understand or when he will come out of this!! And end this?
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« Last Edit: November 21, 2021, 11:51:48 PM by Kevin wife »
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Re: 7 years into this midlife hell
#19: November 22, 2021, 01:28:42 AM
Hi Kevin Wife - I see that you have posted occasionally on this forum and that you have a few inactive old threads. 

I have split this post from the return stories thread and started it as  a new thread for you (title as above) and I will ask one of the more techy mods to bring up the older posts from your inactive threads onto this so that we can start to help you.

Keep posting on here and help/advice and guidance is always at hand.

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7 years into this midlife hell
#20: November 22, 2021, 02:35:26 AM
Nobody here can answer those questions for certain, KW, i’m sorry.
Some do, but many don’t. And even if they do, a lot of damage has been done which can’t be undone.

It would help us to support you better if you could give us a little more information about your current situation.
I see from your old posts that your then h left but did not want a divorce, that there was at least one ow, that you have young adult stepchildren that he had very little contact with either and that you were manipulated into moving out of the family home?

What is the current situation? Do you have any contact with your h? Are you financially stable? Divorced or not?What else is going on in your life? What does Standing mean to you now after several years?

And what prompted you to post now?
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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#21: November 22, 2021, 07:20:45 AM
Nobody here can answer those questions for certain, KW, i’m sorry.
Some do, but many don’t. And even if they do, a lot of damage has been done which can’t be undone.

It would help us to support you better if you could give us a little more information about your current situation.
I see from your old posts that your then h left but did not want a divorce, that there was at least one ow, that you have young adult stepchildren that he had very little contact with either and that you were manipulated into moving out of the family home?

What is the current situation? Do you have any contact with your h? Are you financially stable? Divorced or not?What else is going on in your life? What does Standing mean to you now after several years?

And what prompted you to post now?
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7 years into this midlife hell
#22: November 22, 2021, 08:03:38 AM
Nobody here can answer those questions for certain, KW, i’m sorry.
Some do, but many don’t. And even if they do, a lot of damage has been done which can’t be undone.

It would help us to support you better if you could give us a little more information about your current situation.
I see from your old posts that your then h left but did not want a divorce, that there was at least one ow, that you have young adult stepchildren that he had very little contact with either and that you were manipulated into moving out of the family home?

What is the current situation? Do you have any contact with your h? Are you financially stable? Divorced or not?What else is going on in your life? What does Standing mean to you now after several years?

And what prompted you to post now?
it’s been 7 years What prompted me to post now ?? I’m a member here I guess you can say hope & to see what others are going threw @ the 7 year mark.
I’m married, my Ilybnilwy was April 10 2014 I’m not tech friendly so I’m still trying to figure out how to post & use this site Reconnect was 2 years ago in March false start with him calling me & reaching out.
No contact to family or wife since March 21 2019, he is with her but hearing through the grapevine it’s not working out what a surprise ! married to me  I am doing great.
I’m trying to guess what stage he currently is in ?  I’m just curious on to what others are going threw this hell @ 7 year mark
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« Last Edit: November 22, 2021, 12:04:39 PM by Songanddance »
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Re: 7 years into this midlife hell (merged)
#23: November 22, 2021, 12:14:27 PM
So to be clear Kevinwife; this is what I understand.

BD April 2014 with OW

Failed attempt at early reconnection March 2019.

Since then he is still with OW and he has not made any contact with you or your children (stepchildren)?

If you are able to give us a little more information we may be able to answer your questions.

However what I will say is that if he is still with OW and showing no attempts at touch and goes with you then he is very much still in replay - even if it's not working out with her.  He may be very unhappy but replay is part of the process of escape and avoid which means escape what you know worked and avoid the people who helped you have a good life.

You also don't know what kind of hold the OW may have on him. He may believe he is trapped. In which case it is his problem and he needs to grow up and pull himself out of this mess. There is nothing , I repeat nothing you can do except work on yourself and allow yourself to live as though he is never coming back. He is broken - you need to be mended and healed.
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#24: November 22, 2021, 02:09:07 PM
Hi K,

So much good advise you're getting.
7 years, I'm sorry it's been so long. That's beyond rough.

There is no set time for how many years each part lasts..... just how long it takes them to get thru each part.
S&D is so right, you don't know where his head is and if he's ready to grow up. It's so sad to see them struggle so, but they have to or they'll never grow up.

Heart goes out to ya.

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7 years into this midlife hell
#25: November 22, 2021, 05:23:37 PM
Hi K,

So much good advise you're getting.
7 years, I'm sorry it's been so long. That's beyond rough.

There is no set time for how many years each part lasts..... just how long it takes them to get thru each part.
S&D is so right, you don't know where his head is and if he's ready to grow up. It's so sad to see them struggle so, but they have to or they'll never grow up.

Heart goes out to ya.

-SS
Hi K,
Hi Thank you for your kind words yes It’s been seven years! I have patience of a saint, my bomb drop was April 10, 2014 ILYBINILWY was said, his Father died July 2013, First Time we were to be Grandparents Jan 2014, Started affair on computer March 2014 his Mother died Oct 22, 2014 then he left move in with her no words just left everybody & everything behind to travel 3 hours away to move in with OW did not know her. Started calling just me & his sister for a Reconnect false start 3/21/19 No Contact to date since last contact his family reaching out to him No reply? I tried recently texting him No reply? His brother just died December 2020 up here, he won’t talk to any of us nobody has done anything to him? Something I’ll never understand? Married since 2004 still Married he has not tried to file or mention D word? I wish the aliens would give back my husband & bring him home. I don’t know how much longer I can endure this. But for better or worse Right
So much good advise you're getting.
7 years, I'm sorry it's been so long. That's beyond rough.

There is no set time for how many years each part lasts..... just how long it takes them to get thru each part.
S&D is so right, you don't know where his head is and if he's ready to grow up. It's so sad to see them struggle so, but they have to or they'll never grow up.

Heart goes out to ya.

-SS
Nobody here can answer those questions for certain, KW, i’m sorry.
Some do, but many don’t. And even if they do, a lot of damage has been done which can’t be undone.

It would help us to support you better if you could give us a little more information about your current situation.
I see from your old posts that your then h left but did not want a divorce, that there was at least one ow, that you have young adult stepchildren that he had very little contact with either and that you were manipulated into moving out of the family home?

What is the current situation? Do you have any contact with your h? Are you financially stable? Divorced or not?What else is going on in your life? What does Standing mean to you now after several years?

And what prompted you to post now?
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#26: November 22, 2021, 05:49:52 PM
Hi K,  :D

Those use of quotes was a little confusing (HA!!). No worries.  ;)

So a failed reconnect...... I would question if that was an anchor check and not a reconnect attempt.
Yeah, that would stink but it sounds a lot like that's what that was (to me).
Not that it's a bad thing, don't get me wrong..... an anchor check would mean he's looking to see if you're still there.
I think a lot of times, the MLC'er is sooooo stuck, they don't think they CAN go home. Sometimes they are stuck because they've convinced themselves there is no going home...... not possible.... and then they check. Doesn't mean they're ready to go home, just is the door closed or not? Sometimes that door needs to be closing for them to really get scared and make a decision (if there's communication).
Doesn't sound like he's communicating, so there's no telling where his head is.

I do like that it's sounding like that relationship is falling apart, but that also can mean anything. If he thinks his bridges are burned, then he may think there's no going home. If you're keeping the light on, great. That's good, loving and admirable. If he's in the process of breaking up, there's still all the getting over depression (totally lame) and hopefully hitting bottom (hopefully).
If he peeks his head out again, how you deal with him will either help him go home later, OR stay away in shame (which he may do without even trying). In either case, none of it is your fault and not your doing.
How sad they are so broken.

One thing I'd bone up on is RCR's writing about how she dealt with her H's returning. I know that isn't really applicable now, but if he makes contact it'll probably be out of the blue. Best to be ready ahead of time.  8)

Glad you started posting  ;D

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Re: 7 years into this midlife hell (merged)
#27: November 22, 2021, 06:07:51 PM
Hi K,  :D

Those use of quotes was a little confusing (HA!!). No worries.  ;)

So a failed reconnect...... I would question if that was an anchor check and not a reconnect attempt.
Yeah, that would stink but it sounds a lot like that's what that was (to me).
Not that it's a bad thing, don't get me wrong..... an anchor check would mean he's looking to see if you're still there.
I think a lot of times, the MLC'er is sooooo stuck, they don't think they CAN go home. Sometimes they are stuck because they've convinced themselves there is no going home...... not possible.... and then they check. Doesn't mean they're ready to go home, just is the door closed or not? Sometimes that door needs to be closing for them to really get scared and make a decision (if there's communication).
Doesn't sound like he's communicating, so there's no telling where his head is.

I do like that it's sounding like that relationship is falling apart, but that also can mean anything. If he thinks his bridges are burned, then he may think there's no going home. If you're keeping the light on, great. That's good, loving and admirable. If he's in the process of breaking up, there's still all the getting over depression (totally lame) and hopefully hitting bottom (hopefully).
If he peeks his head out again, how you deal with him will either help him go home later, OR stay away in shame (which he may do without even trying). In either case, none of it is your fault and not your doing.
How sad they are so broken.

One thing I'd bone up on is RCR's writing about how she dealt with her H's returning. I know that isn't really applicable now, but if he makes contact it'll probably be out of the blue. Best to be ready ahead of time.  8)

Glad you started posting  ;D

-SS
So to be clear Kevinwife; this is what I understand.

BD April 2014 with OW

Failed attempt at early reconnection March 2019.

Since then he is still with OW and he has not made any contact with you or your children (stepchildren)?

If you are able to give us a little more information we may be able to answer your questions.

However what I will say is that if he is still with OW and showing no attempts at touch and goes with you then he is very much still in replay - even if it's not working out with her.  He may be very unhappy but replay is part of the process of escape and avoid which means escape what you know worked and avoid the people who helped you have a good life.

You also don't know what kind of hold the OW may have on him. He may believe he is trapped. In which case it is his problem and he needs to grow up and pull himself out of this mess. There is nothing , I repeat nothing you can do except work on yourself and allow yourself to live as though he is never coming back. He is broken - you need to be mended and healed.
Hello yes so far you have it right I’m staying busy working through the pandemic in the medical field & living my life. OW is using blackmail from what I understand OW is very manipulated of him & younger using him for his paychecks. We went through a lot His mother & Father death’s a year apart, July 2013 & October 2014 first time being grandparents Jan 2O14 he didn’t want anything to do with that, empty nest syndrome with his kids, Nov 2014. Oct 2013 he Separated from me unwanted by me, he started affair on computer with Ow #1 in October 2013 didn’t last OW#2 Feb or March 2014 still married to me? bomb drop was April 10, 2014 ILYBINILWY, I will never understand this is very challenging he left us all everybody left everything behind kept everything the same ( Wife, Sisters, Brothers, his Kids, his Fishing equipment , our Snowmobile, our boat, everything 3 hours away No contact with any of us. false reconnect or anchor checking March 2019 with me on the phone with him saying the grass is not greener on the other side!! Imagine that No sign of Reconcille as of yet, left us all the day his mother was buried Oct 25 2014. Still Married Standing with the light on anchor down
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« Last Edit: November 22, 2021, 07:18:00 PM by Kevin wife »
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7 years into this midlife hell (merged)
#28: November 23, 2021, 03:14:01 AM
Hi K,  :D

Those use of quotes was a little confusing (HA!!). No worries.  ;)

So a failed reconnect...... I would question if that was an anchor check and not a reconnect attempt.
Yeah, that would stink but it sounds a lot like that's what that was (to me).
Not that it's a bad thing, don't get me wrong..... an anchor check would mean he's looking to see if you're still there.
I think a lot of times, the MLC'er is sooooo stuck, they don't think they CAN go home. Sometimes they are stuck because they've convinced themselves there is no going home...... not possible.... and then they check. Doesn't mean they're ready to go home, just is the door closed or not? Sometimes that door needs to be closing for them to really get scared and make a decision (if there's communication).
Doesn't sound like he's communicating, so there's no telling where his head is.

I do like that it's sounding like that relationship is falling apart, but that also can mean anything. If he thinks his bridges are burned, then he may think there's no going home. If you're keeping the light on, great. That's good, loving and admirable. If he's in the process of breaking up, there's still all the getting over depression (totally lame) and hopefully hitting bottom (hopefully).
If he peeks his head out again, how you deal with him will either help him go home later, OR stay away in shame (which he may do without even trying). In either case, none of it is your fault and not your doing.
How sad they are so broken.

One thing I'd bone up on is RCR's writing about how she dealt with her H's returning. I know that isn't really applicable now, but if he makes contact it'll probably be out of the blue. Best to be ready ahead of time.  8)

Glad you started posting  ;D

-SS
Hello I don’t know who is more broken & heartbroken him or me. Contact comes out of the blue with him he just calls like nothing is wrong? I just listen to him & I don’t give him a reaction. I stay calm I don’t ask him to come home when he calls I am tired of hearing Not now or it’s Not happening? mutual friends tell me his Facebook is like a love sick teenager with OW a year ago not so much now, OW Facebook no mention of my husband at all? He left everyone & everything behind for this OW from the computer? I have gone on with my life staying busy with work in a serious pandemic as I work with patients 😷 I can’t help but worry is he still alive or dead married to me? This is really something I’ll never understand? 3 Hours away from us nobody has seen him in this area since October 2014 I have not seen my husband since his mother’s funeral in Oct 2014. Checking the anchor or a false start was March 2019 he called me & his sister that day, He said the grass isn’t greener on the other side to us ? Had us on the phone communication with him was confusion didn’t make sense? No contact Vanisher since then really concerning his children don’t understand this at all I gave him anything he wanted & was loving 🥰 I’m at 7 years into this when does he wake up? bomb drop was April 10, 2014 ILYBINILWY it was told to me over the phone with OW #2 I love you very much but don’t love you. Frightening words that didn’t make sense no note no warning no reason? Still trying to understand what stage of this Hell he is in currently?
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« Last Edit: November 23, 2021, 03:36:22 AM by Kevin wife »
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#29: November 23, 2021, 03:27:53 AM
Kwife-

Sounds like he is still a very lost soul. Keep doing what your doing. Sounds like your responses are spot on. Keep living your life. He will either work through it or he wont. Hard lessons  to learn, but we are NOT the problem . Wow, such a long time for you. Kudos to you. Not sure I could hang in there that long. Let me actually correct that. I’m sure I couldn’t. Keep living your life and moving forward. I think it will be easy to tell if he starts to come forward, but he is not there now from what you are saying.
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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#30: November 23, 2021, 03:43:24 AM
Kwife-

Sounds like he is still a very lost soul. Keep doing what your doing. Sounds like your responses are spot on. Keep living your life. He will either work through it or he wont. Hard lessons  to learn, but we are NOT the problem . Wow, such a long time for you. Kudos to you. Not sure I could hang in there that long. Let me actually correct that. I’m sure I couldn’t. Keep living your life and moving forward. I think it will be easy to tell if he starts to come forward, but he is not there now from what you are saying.
Hello yes I’m staying busy with work & my patients in a serious pandemic 😷 No idea what stage he is currently in the damage he has done to his kids friends wife sisters brothers the light is still on door open he was a loving family man before this happened, when does he wake up he is doing everything opposite of what he believes in. He started locking his phone OW#1 in fall 10/2013 did not last discovered from computer after his Dad died in 7/2013  first time grandparents Jan 2014 he told his son I want nothing to do with that child I’m too young to became a grandpa he has not seen that child since she was born? Ow#2 discovered in City from computer started 2/2014 younger is using him for what she can get knows he is married to me?  April 2014 bomb drop over phone ILYBINILWY, Teenage like behavior on Facebook with OW blocked me. His Mother died October 2014, He came to her funeral in casual clothes??🥲Hugged me warmly after being in a unwanted separation & pushed me away at the same time? After they buried his mom he took shoes & clothes only from our apt & left everything the same here & moved in with the OW 3 hours away he has not been seen in this area since then. Contact to just me on phone was minimal he reached out on phone to me  2015, 2017, 2019 once or twice. 3/2019 he reached out to me I believe on the computer pretending to be another guy? That was just crazy I went along with it & talked causal next morning I get a phone call it’s him out of the blue I was at work totally unprepared stayed calm & has been a Vanisher since 3/2019 last contact with Me & his Sister on phone he said to us both the grass isn’t greener on the other side was the last words I heard from him?  His Brother died Dec 2020 his family left messages for him to call them 1 call returned to his other brother & he called his kids to tell them his brother passed away but he did not call me to talk to me? his other family members had to let me know. 
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« Last Edit: November 23, 2021, 04:20:16 AM by Kevin wife »
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7 years into this midlife hell (merged)
#31: November 23, 2021, 03:59:08 AM
Kevin wife,

2 things here, one "administrative: Please stay on one thread until you reach 150 posts. I think what has happened so far is that you post so rarely that, after a year of not posting, the thread gets moved to the Inactive board to reduce the overhead on the Moderators. If you can't find your thread, ask a Mod and we probably can or you can look at your own Profile and there is a link to your posts. That gives a list of all the posts you have made and can help you find your thread, regardless of where it is.

The second one is that your H is on his own journey and it is his to navigate. You can not do it for him. You can be a light but do not be his anchor. As long as he feels that, no matter what he does, no matter what choices he makes, you will still be right where he left you, he has ZERO motivation to make any significant changes. That is why we call it an "anchor check." The Mid-Lifer wants to make sure that we are still right where they left us so if things go to Hades in a handbasket, they have a fall-back plan. The flaw in that logic is that we are worth more, YOU are worth more than being his backup plan.... You can be a lighthouse but, as someone's tagline said, a lighthouse does NOT go running all over the island looking for a ship to save.

The fact that he is an apparent "Vanisher" makes things more difficult for you because you have no idea where he is or what he is doing although, since you are still apparently legally married, you do have some responsibilities that fall out of that. This is why it would likely be a VERY good idea to make sure that you are legally covered if anything were to happen to him. You do not need to be pulled down if (for example) he files for Bankruptcy because he has been spending more than he makes.... Knowledge is power. You do not have to DO anything with any information that you collect but HAVING the information that you need is priceless....

UM
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Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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#32: November 23, 2021, 04:01:43 AM
Yes, they lose their moral compass. They are living in the moment. Not looking back or forward as that is all they are capable until they choose to address  what they are running from, if ever. That is something I am just waking up to. All these great warriors tell us this, but we have to see it ourselves and accept it to understand we are not in control in this crazy situation. We only control us. Who we are and how we move forward despite them.

Wish there was a handbook on this, but each is unique in their crisis and all we have is a guide but no absolutes. That is the hardest thing to grasp.
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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#33: November 23, 2021, 04:29:01 AM
Kevin wife,

2 things here, one "administrative: Please stay on one thread until you reach 150 posts. I think what has happened so far is that you post so rarely that, after a year of not posting, the thread gets moved to the Inactive board to reduce the overhead on the Moderators. If you can't find your thread, ask a Mod and we probably can or you can look at your own Profile and there is a link to your posts. That gives a list of all the posts you have made and can help you find your thread, regardless of where it is.

The second one is that your H is on his own journey and it is his to navigate. You can not do it for him. You can be a light but do not be his anchor. As long as he feels that, no matter what he does, no matter what choices he makes, you will still be right where he left you, he has ZERO motivation to make any significant changes. That is why we call it an "anchor check." The Mid-Lifer wants to make sure that we are still right where they left us so if things go to Hades in a handbasket, they have a fall-back plan. The flaw in that logic is that we are worth more, YOU are worth more than being his backup plan.... You can be a lighthouse but, as someone's tagline said, a lighthouse does NOT go running all over the island looking for a ship to save.

The fact that he is an apparent "Vanisher" makes things more difficult for you because you have no idea where he is or what he is doing although, since you are still apparently legally married, you do have some responsibilities that fall out of that. This is why it would likely be a VERY good idea to make sure that you are legally covered if anything were to happen to him. You do not need to be pulled down if (for example) he files for Bankruptcy because he has been spending more than he makes.... Knowledge is power. You do not have to DO anything with any information that you collect but HAVING the information that you need is priceless....

UM
Hello  I just started posting again I’m in this 7 years now I have gone on with my life staying busy working I have No problem if my old posts are removed & post here & there I’m just trying to see what others are going through at the seven year mark? This is a crazy ride I am a lighthouse for him for better or worse! I am legally covered, An unwanted separation 7 years.
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« Last Edit: November 23, 2021, 04:34:03 AM by Kevin wife »
:) Kevin wife

 

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