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Author Topic: My Story 7 years into this midlife hell (merged)

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Weird, isn't it? The grass is not greener in the other side, but the MLCer still does not want to come home. Not now, at least.

And that is part of the crisis. They will only come home when they are ready/able to, even in the grass is brown and super dry in the other side.

Parents, or other relatives or friends, dying, is something that can drive people into MLC. Your husband lost both his parents in the space of an year and three months. That can send people into a downward spiral.

I, and others, have seen some of the same thing you saw in your husband early on. Not sleeping, irritable, not wanting us near the computer we had always shared, etc. Of course lack of sleep leads to irritability. The more sleep the MLCers lacks, the more irritable they will become.

OW is, at first, a distraction, a high. They think OW will magically make all their problems to go away. That they will be happy if they leave and go live with her. It will not. They will still be miserable.

I have been legally married for nearly 10 years to a man who lives over 300 kilometers away, and that I never see. Not speak with, bar for the odd legal or financial issue. But, after all these years, I no longer feel married.

Sadly, yes, the separation is forced upon us. We have no say in it. It is not a joint decision, it is not how things in a marriage should be. But MLC is not a marital issue, it is a personal issue of the MLCer. We are put aside, and until they resolve their issues, we barely, if at all, exist.   
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Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

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Good morning sweetheart:

MLC is truly horrible because it is something that completely comes out from left field. U don't see it coming, if they may feel something "on the inside" , they choose not to talk about it. Men are usually more introvert as they have been taught to be grown ups "men" and not being "sissy" , or crying over spilled milk. So, overall, opening up about something it is truly hard. But of course not everyone is like that.Unfortunately they start to slowly "crack" on the inside, until the full explosion.

Like Anjae wrote, loosing your parents - or any traumatic event for that matter - send a person on a downward spiral. Mine , was a job overseas that gave him absolutely nothing. SO, again, grass wasn't greener at all. He found himself in a valley full of emptiness.

I heard about Hell, I read about it in the spiritual sense, but ...boy oh boy......i don't think any other nightmares can match this crisis up!!!

Sometimes all of this is so foreign, and shocking that I literally find myself sitting "spacing out" or someone may ask me a question...but I'm in my own world. Im at the point that Im not even sure is this is MLC in my case. Although the phases evolve in the same way, I have been reading a lot about "spiritual awakenings" - which put things in a much milder way, but the results are the same . I looked up also the subjects on soul mates, karmic relationships and "twin flame". In the twin flames relationships , everything goes perfect and then - just like MLC - the person drops u like a hot potato. But then eventually reunites. Depending if I look at it from the psychological view point , or spiritual or social...there seem to be a common thread in all of this: a new person. The death of the old one, and the rebirth of the new.

I even spoke to a spiritual taoist teacher who explained to me about "the splitting of the soul" , where they choose one "personality " over the other, or where they may keep some traits of the old one and acquire new ones. And again, same as MLC, they go spacing out and vanish in there tunnel until they are reborn again. He warned me that the person that comes back, I MAY NOT LIKE IT. Or he could be better than before. So, Im here wondering WTF????? waiting for what??? honestly, i don't even know anymore as Im so confused myself. But one thing i know is for sure: all these notions they do intertwine with each others and they go hand-in-hand with one another.

So whats the point of all of this U may wonder....first: maybe Im venting a bit!!!! LOL...but my point is that no matter how we look at it and from which angle, something so unfortunate has happened to the love of our lives. I still love him and adore him but I also know that this process of transformation , or "rebirth", or "exiting the tunnel", may take a while . It will all happen, this  much I know. They will come back home, this much we can feel it in our bones. But the question is really this: where are YOU ( WE ) going to be by then???

I don't think the Universe want us to sit home and despair over something that we have absolutely no control over it. SO we must be capable to keep on moving with our life, gather strength and be there - if we are still available - for them when they come home. But in the meantime, we need to live our lives and not live like victims. We need to raise our own "vibrations" to the Universe and feel whole inside, and watch how things are going to happen. For it may seem a long time, at times, acceleration from the Universe happens.

Im also trying so very hard to "shake off" of me this label as LBS. Even if thats what happened to us, psychologically it is such a detrimental path for us. I don't want to feel "imprisoned" by this label . We are what we think. So, the way IM trying to turn it around in my head is picturing my S/O as if he was in "coma". He listens to me and to my love but he is not yet awake .

Darling, as horrible as all of this is, I have accepted the situation and know that whatever this is, i can't control it and can't do anything about it. But I do believe consciously that the Universe will answer it in its Divine Timing. Make PEACE that  u cannot change it and try to strengthen yourself with anything that makes u feel better. When u feel better , and they see your transformation, they will want to match up their energies to yours ...maybe u are on to something good that they are missing out and feel left out!!!

I also read that this MLC has forced us to also transform ourselves. So we are forced to reinvent ourselves . In a way, we are now coming across our own crisis or spiritual awakenings. Understanding that everything in this Universe changes, and nothing is static maybe will help us that we truly have no control over anything EXCEPT OURSELVES and OUR OWN HAPPINESS. In few words, our husband or companion is simply a BONUS ( I read it somewhere! ) who is with us for the ride. Therefore, thats why we cannot depend on them for our emotional well beings.

I hope i made any sense in this post.... if i didn't ...then call it "venting " on my part or simply "reflecting" ...
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"Never judge a book by its cover".

K
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Yes its very confusing to understand whats happening to my husband? I lost my Parents also and never threw my husband out or left him?

The timeline does make sense, we were always close until his Father died July 2013, October 2013 i was asked to leave the apartment for no reason?given a 30 day intenteviction paper fake printed off the computer,On October 25,2013 not understanding and the day was a blur I left when I didn't have too!We became Grand Parents for the first time in Jan 2014, My husband said terrible things and was very irritable still keeping in contact with me,

My husband came around in April10 2014 we were out to dinner trying to figure out where we were going? he turns to me and says on April 10, 20014 ILYBNILWY ( I love you but I am not in love with you! ) almost killed me! I said what??? I am your wife what did you say? he says I don't know what did I say?I said again i am your wife! he said no your not your a friend? I said yes your best friend I am your wife. At this point i feel as I am crazy and hearing things? His mother passed on October 25, 2014, I believe he started the internet affair after i was kicked out of my apt we shared in October 2013 ?

I asked him if he was coming with me and he said no im doing this to protect you as my wife! he was serious. I said protect me from what? the mothership thats going to pick you up? he laughed we always had a good sense of humor together did everything together im told he is my twin flame, soulmate. October 25, 2014 was the day his mother was buried he packed a bag and ran to her the ow moved in immediate with only clothes, left everything the same up here didnt touch anything or move anything? names on everything still the same, nothing taken or out of sorts like he just going to walk back up to the door?

i been in this Nightmare two years six months maybe before that i cant tell what stage he is in. He is four hours away from me miserable, looking for that Grass is Greener  when he has it right here with his wife/ family, the damage he has done to his family is catastrophic! i mean everybody his own Kids,Wife,Brothers,Sisters, walked away from friends no contact with them me, i have to leave messages on his cell phone from another phone about things we own together, he never calls me back? he blocked my cell phone Feb 14, 2014 and leaves my apartment phone open to call him? i have given my husband lots off space have not called him recently.

He left On Oct 25,2014 ran to ow  has not been back to this area since then to date nobody has seen or heard from him but me recently and he was nasty saying don't you have a life up there? find a friend/ find a boyfriend i am just fine? i get off the phone i have a spin head? Not Now to coming home, Grass is Not greener for sure but he still there and miserable, he doing and saying everything the opposite of him? its gut wrenching and I am heartbroken this has effected me badly i move forward work two jobs, do things with my friends, stay busy he never texts me or calls me since he Ran on Oct 25,2014 my stepson has encouraged him home also nothing

TWO YEARS SIX MONTHS OF HELL! I pray to God the fog lifts and he comes home! Married fifteen years still married four stepchildren that are my kids suffering without him they ask me why i dont even know why? he says i don't know, yes, no, not now, not happening, whatever, cool, peace out, he is going to be 54 years old in May. and his affair is over yet he still living in that town in a room instead of coming home? I lost it a few days ago and told him he is done! i just snapped and he said he done with everybody! i asked come home then not now? feel my pain! Blessings and thank you for all of your stories also stay strong
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« Last Edit: April 10, 2016, 05:10:53 PM by Anjae »
:) Kevin wife

K
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Two days away from the April 10,2014 Bomb drop for the two year mark been in this hell for two years six months? Bomb drop day was a special day our Dating Anniversary sixteen years ago? We were out to dinner deciding where we were going to go? when he turned to me and said ILYBINILWY it almost killed me and it didnt make any sense. From that day forward the Rollercoaster has been turbulant as i try to move forward and pick up the pieces of the storm. I have good days and bad i just dont know what to say to him anymore? Im standing and the damage is catastrophic to me and family
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:) Kevin wife

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K,

It's hard when they go in this crisis.  They get confused and selfish....and they will hurt you.

All you can do is take good care of yourself and try to not contact him for now.

He has demons he is fighting and you can't help him.  I'm sorry.  Just know you did nothing to cause this.  He will be in crazyland for some time.
Do you have a counselor you can talk to?  It can help you get through this.

Big Hug
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Good morning darling,

this rollercoaster will unfortunately last for awhile.

But watch the way u will evolve for yourself. You will get stronger with each passing day...give it time. Most of all, be patient with yourself. Grieve when u feel to, always express your emotions and don't keep anything inside. We ALL have been through it....and we are still here alive and kicking. But the common factor is that WE ALL UNDERSTAND ONE ANOTHER HERE!! We are all here supporting you ....hung n there...

Just one step at time.....xxxx
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"Never judge a book by its cover".

K
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Today was bomb drop two years ago today on April 10, 2014 it also is our fifteen year dating anniversary, i heard his voice this morning as he called me, and i still get butterflys in my stomach when i hear his voice, he started out mean and got softer when i didnt react, or argue or raise my voice, he kept telling me its not the ow fault its his and all he wants me to be happy, that i told him i was with or without him, he kept saying you need to find a boyfriend and be happy, He started rewriting history past and i let him talk and to to explain? nothing he said made sense so i listened and he started to get warmer towards me and i caved and told him I love him and he hung up. Dont know if this is testing the waters or not? but im still standing two and a half years later.I do talk with a therapist Thunder Thank you for your kind words. Thank you everyone for your kind words
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:) Kevin wife

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I think u handled yourself beautifully!!

U didn't "cave in" when U told him ILY. It's perfectly fine. U speak through your heart and thats how you feel. Be authentic with yourself. Never deny your feelings.

Hugs, HP.
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"Never judge a book by its cover".

K
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7 years into this midlife hell
#18: November 21, 2021, 11:27:27 PM
Hello all I’m 7 years into this Midlife Crisis Hell with my husband I’m still Standing it’s something I don’t understand or when he will come out of this!! And end this?
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« Last Edit: November 21, 2021, 11:51:48 PM by Kevin wife »
:) Kevin wife

S
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Re: 7 years into this midlife hell
#19: November 22, 2021, 01:28:42 AM
Hi Kevin Wife - I see that you have posted occasionally on this forum and that you have a few inactive old threads. 

I have split this post from the return stories thread and started it as  a new thread for you (title as above) and I will ask one of the more techy mods to bring up the older posts from your inactive threads onto this so that we can start to help you.

Keep posting on here and help/advice and guidance is always at hand.

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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

 

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