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Author Topic: My Story 7 years into this midlife hell (merged)

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My Story 7 years into this midlife hell
#20: November 22, 2021, 02:35:26 AM
Nobody here can answer those questions for certain, KW, i’m sorry.
Some do, but many don’t. And even if they do, a lot of damage has been done which can’t be undone.

It would help us to support you better if you could give us a little more information about your current situation.
I see from your old posts that your then h left but did not want a divorce, that there was at least one ow, that you have young adult stepchildren that he had very little contact with either and that you were manipulated into moving out of the family home?

What is the current situation? Do you have any contact with your h? Are you financially stable? Divorced or not?What else is going on in your life? What does Standing mean to you now after several years?

And what prompted you to post now?
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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7 years into this midlife hell
#21: November 22, 2021, 07:20:45 AM
Nobody here can answer those questions for certain, KW, i’m sorry.
Some do, but many don’t. And even if they do, a lot of damage has been done which can’t be undone.

It would help us to support you better if you could give us a little more information about your current situation.
I see from your old posts that your then h left but did not want a divorce, that there was at least one ow, that you have young adult stepchildren that he had very little contact with either and that you were manipulated into moving out of the family home?

What is the current situation? Do you have any contact with your h? Are you financially stable? Divorced or not?What else is going on in your life? What does Standing mean to you now after several years?

And what prompted you to post now?
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:) Kevin wife

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7 years into this midlife hell
#22: November 22, 2021, 08:03:38 AM
Nobody here can answer those questions for certain, KW, i’m sorry.
Some do, but many don’t. And even if they do, a lot of damage has been done which can’t be undone.

It would help us to support you better if you could give us a little more information about your current situation.
I see from your old posts that your then h left but did not want a divorce, that there was at least one ow, that you have young adult stepchildren that he had very little contact with either and that you were manipulated into moving out of the family home?

What is the current situation? Do you have any contact with your h? Are you financially stable? Divorced or not?What else is going on in your life? What does Standing mean to you now after several years?

And what prompted you to post now?
it’s been 7 years What prompted me to post now ?? I’m a member here I guess you can say hope & to see what others are going threw @ the 7 year mark.
I’m married, my Ilybnilwy was April 10 2014 I’m not tech friendly so I’m still trying to figure out how to post & use this site Reconnect was 2 years ago in March false start with him calling me & reaching out.
No contact to family or wife since March 21 2019, he is with her but hearing through the grapevine it’s not working out what a surprise ! married to me  I am doing great.
I’m trying to guess what stage he currently is in ?  I’m just curious on to what others are going threw this hell @ 7 year mark
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« Last Edit: November 22, 2021, 12:04:39 PM by Songanddance »
:) Kevin wife

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Re: 7 years into this midlife hell (merged)
#23: November 22, 2021, 12:14:27 PM
So to be clear Kevinwife; this is what I understand.

BD April 2014 with OW

Failed attempt at early reconnection March 2019.

Since then he is still with OW and he has not made any contact with you or your children (stepchildren)?

If you are able to give us a little more information we may be able to answer your questions.

However what I will say is that if he is still with OW and showing no attempts at touch and goes with you then he is very much still in replay - even if it's not working out with her.  He may be very unhappy but replay is part of the process of escape and avoid which means escape what you know worked and avoid the people who helped you have a good life.

You also don't know what kind of hold the OW may have on him. He may believe he is trapped. In which case it is his problem and he needs to grow up and pull himself out of this mess. There is nothing , I repeat nothing you can do except work on yourself and allow yourself to live as though he is never coming back. He is broken - you need to be mended and healed.
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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

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7 years into this midlife hell (merged)
#24: November 22, 2021, 02:09:07 PM
Hi K,

So much good advise you're getting.
7 years, I'm sorry it's been so long. That's beyond rough.

There is no set time for how many years each part lasts..... just how long it takes them to get thru each part.
S&D is so right, you don't know where his head is and if he's ready to grow up. It's so sad to see them struggle so, but they have to or they'll never grow up.

Heart goes out to ya.

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W - 40
M - 44
Together 25 years, M 23
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

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7 years into this midlife hell
#25: November 22, 2021, 05:23:37 PM
Hi K,

So much good advise you're getting.
7 years, I'm sorry it's been so long. That's beyond rough.

There is no set time for how many years each part lasts..... just how long it takes them to get thru each part.
S&D is so right, you don't know where his head is and if he's ready to grow up. It's so sad to see them struggle so, but they have to or they'll never grow up.

Heart goes out to ya.

-SS
Hi K,
Hi Thank you for your kind words yes It’s been seven years! I have patience of a saint, my bomb drop was April 10, 2014 ILYBINILWY was said, his Father died July 2013, First Time we were to be Grandparents Jan 2014, Started affair on computer March 2014 his Mother died Oct 22, 2014 then he left move in with her no words just left everybody & everything behind to travel 3 hours away to move in with OW did not know her. Started calling just me & his sister for a Reconnect false start 3/21/19 No Contact to date since last contact his family reaching out to him No reply? I tried recently texting him No reply? His brother just died December 2020 up here, he won’t talk to any of us nobody has done anything to him? Something I’ll never understand? Married since 2004 still Married he has not tried to file or mention D word? I wish the aliens would give back my husband & bring him home. I don’t know how much longer I can endure this. But for better or worse Right
So much good advise you're getting.
7 years, I'm sorry it's been so long. That's beyond rough.

There is no set time for how many years each part lasts..... just how long it takes them to get thru each part.
S&D is so right, you don't know where his head is and if he's ready to grow up. It's so sad to see them struggle so, but they have to or they'll never grow up.

Heart goes out to ya.

-SS
Nobody here can answer those questions for certain, KW, i’m sorry.
Some do, but many don’t. And even if they do, a lot of damage has been done which can’t be undone.

It would help us to support you better if you could give us a little more information about your current situation.
I see from your old posts that your then h left but did not want a divorce, that there was at least one ow, that you have young adult stepchildren that he had very little contact with either and that you were manipulated into moving out of the family home?

What is the current situation? Do you have any contact with your h? Are you financially stable? Divorced or not?What else is going on in your life? What does Standing mean to you now after several years?

And what prompted you to post now?
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:) Kevin wife

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7 years into this midlife hell (merged)
#26: November 22, 2021, 05:49:52 PM
Hi K,  :D

Those use of quotes was a little confusing (HA!!). No worries.  ;)

So a failed reconnect...... I would question if that was an anchor check and not a reconnect attempt.
Yeah, that would stink but it sounds a lot like that's what that was (to me).
Not that it's a bad thing, don't get me wrong..... an anchor check would mean he's looking to see if you're still there.
I think a lot of times, the MLC'er is sooooo stuck, they don't think they CAN go home. Sometimes they are stuck because they've convinced themselves there is no going home...... not possible.... and then they check. Doesn't mean they're ready to go home, just is the door closed or not? Sometimes that door needs to be closing for them to really get scared and make a decision (if there's communication).
Doesn't sound like he's communicating, so there's no telling where his head is.

I do like that it's sounding like that relationship is falling apart, but that also can mean anything. If he thinks his bridges are burned, then he may think there's no going home. If you're keeping the light on, great. That's good, loving and admirable. If he's in the process of breaking up, there's still all the getting over depression (totally lame) and hopefully hitting bottom (hopefully).
If he peeks his head out again, how you deal with him will either help him go home later, OR stay away in shame (which he may do without even trying). In either case, none of it is your fault and not your doing.
How sad they are so broken.

One thing I'd bone up on is RCR's writing about how she dealt with her H's returning. I know that isn't really applicable now, but if he makes contact it'll probably be out of the blue. Best to be ready ahead of time.  8)

Glad you started posting  ;D

-SS
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W - 40
M - 44
Together 25 years, M 23
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

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Re: 7 years into this midlife hell (merged)
#27: November 22, 2021, 06:07:51 PM
Hi K,  :D

Those use of quotes was a little confusing (HA!!). No worries.  ;)

So a failed reconnect...... I would question if that was an anchor check and not a reconnect attempt.
Yeah, that would stink but it sounds a lot like that's what that was (to me).
Not that it's a bad thing, don't get me wrong..... an anchor check would mean he's looking to see if you're still there.
I think a lot of times, the MLC'er is sooooo stuck, they don't think they CAN go home. Sometimes they are stuck because they've convinced themselves there is no going home...... not possible.... and then they check. Doesn't mean they're ready to go home, just is the door closed or not? Sometimes that door needs to be closing for them to really get scared and make a decision (if there's communication).
Doesn't sound like he's communicating, so there's no telling where his head is.

I do like that it's sounding like that relationship is falling apart, but that also can mean anything. If he thinks his bridges are burned, then he may think there's no going home. If you're keeping the light on, great. That's good, loving and admirable. If he's in the process of breaking up, there's still all the getting over depression (totally lame) and hopefully hitting bottom (hopefully).
If he peeks his head out again, how you deal with him will either help him go home later, OR stay away in shame (which he may do without even trying). In either case, none of it is your fault and not your doing.
How sad they are so broken.

One thing I'd bone up on is RCR's writing about how she dealt with her H's returning. I know that isn't really applicable now, but if he makes contact it'll probably be out of the blue. Best to be ready ahead of time.  8)

Glad you started posting  ;D

-SS
So to be clear Kevinwife; this is what I understand.

BD April 2014 with OW

Failed attempt at early reconnection March 2019.

Since then he is still with OW and he has not made any contact with you or your children (stepchildren)?

If you are able to give us a little more information we may be able to answer your questions.

However what I will say is that if he is still with OW and showing no attempts at touch and goes with you then he is very much still in replay - even if it's not working out with her.  He may be very unhappy but replay is part of the process of escape and avoid which means escape what you know worked and avoid the people who helped you have a good life.

You also don't know what kind of hold the OW may have on him. He may believe he is trapped. In which case it is his problem and he needs to grow up and pull himself out of this mess. There is nothing , I repeat nothing you can do except work on yourself and allow yourself to live as though he is never coming back. He is broken - you need to be mended and healed.
Hello yes so far you have it right I’m staying busy working through the pandemic in the medical field & living my life. OW is using blackmail from what I understand OW is very manipulated of him & younger using him for his paychecks. We went through a lot His mother & Father death’s a year apart, July 2013 & October 2014 first time being grandparents Jan 2O14 he didn’t want anything to do with that, empty nest syndrome with his kids, Nov 2014. Oct 2013 he Separated from me unwanted by me, he started affair on computer with Ow #1 in October 2013 didn’t last OW#2 Feb or March 2014 still married to me? bomb drop was April 10, 2014 ILYBINILWY, I will never understand this is very challenging he left us all everybody left everything behind kept everything the same ( Wife, Sisters, Brothers, his Kids, his Fishing equipment , our Snowmobile, our boat, everything 3 hours away No contact with any of us. false reconnect or anchor checking March 2019 with me on the phone with him saying the grass is not greener on the other side!! Imagine that No sign of Reconcille as of yet, left us all the day his mother was buried Oct 25 2014. Still Married Standing with the light on anchor down
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« Last Edit: November 22, 2021, 07:18:00 PM by Kevin wife »
:) Kevin wife

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7 years into this midlife hell (merged)
#28: November 23, 2021, 03:14:01 AM
Hi K,  :D

Those use of quotes was a little confusing (HA!!). No worries.  ;)

So a failed reconnect...... I would question if that was an anchor check and not a reconnect attempt.
Yeah, that would stink but it sounds a lot like that's what that was (to me).
Not that it's a bad thing, don't get me wrong..... an anchor check would mean he's looking to see if you're still there.
I think a lot of times, the MLC'er is sooooo stuck, they don't think they CAN go home. Sometimes they are stuck because they've convinced themselves there is no going home...... not possible.... and then they check. Doesn't mean they're ready to go home, just is the door closed or not? Sometimes that door needs to be closing for them to really get scared and make a decision (if there's communication).
Doesn't sound like he's communicating, so there's no telling where his head is.

I do like that it's sounding like that relationship is falling apart, but that also can mean anything. If he thinks his bridges are burned, then he may think there's no going home. If you're keeping the light on, great. That's good, loving and admirable. If he's in the process of breaking up, there's still all the getting over depression (totally lame) and hopefully hitting bottom (hopefully).
If he peeks his head out again, how you deal with him will either help him go home later, OR stay away in shame (which he may do without even trying). In either case, none of it is your fault and not your doing.
How sad they are so broken.

One thing I'd bone up on is RCR's writing about how she dealt with her H's returning. I know that isn't really applicable now, but if he makes contact it'll probably be out of the blue. Best to be ready ahead of time.  8)

Glad you started posting  ;D

-SS
Hello I don’t know who is more broken & heartbroken him or me. Contact comes out of the blue with him he just calls like nothing is wrong? I just listen to him & I don’t give him a reaction. I stay calm I don’t ask him to come home when he calls I am tired of hearing Not now or it’s Not happening? mutual friends tell me his Facebook is like a love sick teenager with OW a year ago not so much now, OW Facebook no mention of my husband at all? He left everyone & everything behind for this OW from the computer? I have gone on with my life staying busy with work in a serious pandemic as I work with patients 😷 I can’t help but worry is he still alive or dead married to me? This is really something I’ll never understand? 3 Hours away from us nobody has seen him in this area since October 2014 I have not seen my husband since his mother’s funeral in Oct 2014. Checking the anchor or a false start was March 2019 he called me & his sister that day, He said the grass isn’t greener on the other side to us ? Had us on the phone communication with him was confusion didn’t make sense? No contact Vanisher since then really concerning his children don’t understand this at all I gave him anything he wanted & was loving 🥰 I’m at 7 years into this when does he wake up? bomb drop was April 10, 2014 ILYBINILWY it was told to me over the phone with OW #2 I love you very much but don’t love you. Frightening words that didn’t make sense no note no warning no reason? Still trying to understand what stage of this Hell he is in currently?
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« Last Edit: November 23, 2021, 03:36:22 AM by Kevin wife »
:) Kevin wife

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7 years into this midlife hell (merged)
#29: November 23, 2021, 03:27:53 AM
Kwife-

Sounds like he is still a very lost soul. Keep doing what your doing. Sounds like your responses are spot on. Keep living your life. He will either work through it or he wont. Hard lessons  to learn, but we are NOT the problem . Wow, such a long time for you. Kudos to you. Not sure I could hang in there that long. Let me actually correct that. I’m sure I couldn’t. Keep living your life and moving forward. I think it will be easy to tell if he starts to come forward, but he is not there now from what you are saying.
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

 

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