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Author Topic: My Story 7 years into this midlife hell (merged)

K
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My Story 7 years into this midlife hell (merged)
#30: November 23, 2021, 03:43:24 AM
Kwife-

Sounds like he is still a very lost soul. Keep doing what your doing. Sounds like your responses are spot on. Keep living your life. He will either work through it or he wont. Hard lessons  to learn, but we are NOT the problem . Wow, such a long time for you. Kudos to you. Not sure I could hang in there that long. Let me actually correct that. I’m sure I couldn’t. Keep living your life and moving forward. I think it will be easy to tell if he starts to come forward, but he is not there now from what you are saying.
Hello yes I’m staying busy with work & my patients in a serious pandemic 😷 No idea what stage he is currently in the damage he has done to his kids friends wife sisters brothers the light is still on door open he was a loving family man before this happened, when does he wake up he is doing everything opposite of what he believes in. He started locking his phone OW#1 in fall 10/2013 did not last discovered from computer after his Dad died in 7/2013  first time grandparents Jan 2014 he told his son I want nothing to do with that child I’m too young to became a grandpa he has not seen that child since she was born? Ow#2 discovered in City from computer started 2/2014 younger is using him for what she can get knows he is married to me?  April 2014 bomb drop over phone ILYBINILWY, Teenage like behavior on Facebook with OW blocked me. His Mother died October 2014, He came to her funeral in casual clothes??🥲Hugged me warmly after being in a unwanted separation & pushed me away at the same time? After they buried his mom he took shoes & clothes only from our apt & left everything the same here & moved in with the OW 3 hours away he has not been seen in this area since then. Contact to just me on phone was minimal he reached out on phone to me  2015, 2017, 2019 once or twice. 3/2019 he reached out to me I believe on the computer pretending to be another guy? That was just crazy I went along with it & talked causal next morning I get a phone call it’s him out of the blue I was at work totally unprepared stayed calm & has been a Vanisher since 3/2019 last contact with Me & his Sister on phone he said to us both the grass isn’t greener on the other side was the last words I heard from him?  His Brother died Dec 2020 his family left messages for him to call them 1 call returned to his other brother & he called his kids to tell them his brother passed away but he did not call me to talk to me? his other family members had to let me know. 
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« Last Edit: November 23, 2021, 04:20:16 AM by Kevin wife »
:) Kevin wife

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7 years into this midlife hell (merged)
#31: November 23, 2021, 03:59:08 AM
Kevin wife,

2 things here, one "administrative: Please stay on one thread until you reach 150 posts. I think what has happened so far is that you post so rarely that, after a year of not posting, the thread gets moved to the Inactive board to reduce the overhead on the Moderators. If you can't find your thread, ask a Mod and we probably can or you can look at your own Profile and there is a link to your posts. That gives a list of all the posts you have made and can help you find your thread, regardless of where it is.

The second one is that your H is on his own journey and it is his to navigate. You can not do it for him. You can be a light but do not be his anchor. As long as he feels that, no matter what he does, no matter what choices he makes, you will still be right where he left you, he has ZERO motivation to make any significant changes. That is why we call it an "anchor check." The Mid-Lifer wants to make sure that we are still right where they left us so if things go to Hades in a handbasket, they have a fall-back plan. The flaw in that logic is that we are worth more, YOU are worth more than being his backup plan.... You can be a lighthouse but, as someone's tagline said, a lighthouse does NOT go running all over the island looking for a ship to save.

The fact that he is an apparent "Vanisher" makes things more difficult for you because you have no idea where he is or what he is doing although, since you are still apparently legally married, you do have some responsibilities that fall out of that. This is why it would likely be a VERY good idea to make sure that you are legally covered if anything were to happen to him. You do not need to be pulled down if (for example) he files for Bankruptcy because he has been spending more than he makes.... Knowledge is power. You do not have to DO anything with any information that you collect but HAVING the information that you need is priceless....

UM
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

T
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7 years into this midlife hell (merged)
#32: November 23, 2021, 04:01:43 AM
Yes, they lose their moral compass. They are living in the moment. Not looking back or forward as that is all they are capable until they choose to address  what they are running from, if ever. That is something I am just waking up to. All these great warriors tell us this, but we have to see it ourselves and accept it to understand we are not in control in this crazy situation. We only control us. Who we are and how we move forward despite them.

Wish there was a handbook on this, but each is unique in their crisis and all we have is a guide but no absolutes. That is the hardest thing to grasp.
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

K
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7 years into this midlife hell (merged)
#33: November 23, 2021, 04:29:01 AM
Kevin wife,

2 things here, one "administrative: Please stay on one thread until you reach 150 posts. I think what has happened so far is that you post so rarely that, after a year of not posting, the thread gets moved to the Inactive board to reduce the overhead on the Moderators. If you can't find your thread, ask a Mod and we probably can or you can look at your own Profile and there is a link to your posts. That gives a list of all the posts you have made and can help you find your thread, regardless of where it is.

The second one is that your H is on his own journey and it is his to navigate. You can not do it for him. You can be a light but do not be his anchor. As long as he feels that, no matter what he does, no matter what choices he makes, you will still be right where he left you, he has ZERO motivation to make any significant changes. That is why we call it an "anchor check." The Mid-Lifer wants to make sure that we are still right where they left us so if things go to Hades in a handbasket, they have a fall-back plan. The flaw in that logic is that we are worth more, YOU are worth more than being his backup plan.... You can be a lighthouse but, as someone's tagline said, a lighthouse does NOT go running all over the island looking for a ship to save.

The fact that he is an apparent "Vanisher" makes things more difficult for you because you have no idea where he is or what he is doing although, since you are still apparently legally married, you do have some responsibilities that fall out of that. This is why it would likely be a VERY good idea to make sure that you are legally covered if anything were to happen to him. You do not need to be pulled down if (for example) he files for Bankruptcy because he has been spending more than he makes.... Knowledge is power. You do not have to DO anything with any information that you collect but HAVING the information that you need is priceless....

UM
Hello  I just started posting again I’m in this 7 years now I have gone on with my life staying busy working I have No problem if my old posts are removed & post here & there I’m just trying to see what others are going through at the seven year mark? This is a crazy ride I am a lighthouse for him for better or worse! I am legally covered, An unwanted separation 7 years.
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« Last Edit: November 23, 2021, 04:34:03 AM by Kevin wife »
:) Kevin wife

 

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