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Author Topic: Discussion General MLC Questions ?

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Discussion General MLC Questions ?
#80: October 26, 2021, 09:39:34 PM
Quote from: Kelly4510 on October 26, 2021, 10:36:43 AM
Is it really that easy to compartmentalize everything? For my MLC H there is a lot of drinking and weed being used to cope. But he keeps it together at work- although he complains about it to everyone. Works sucks because of this or that.

Hi Kelly,
 
I think my W also compartmentalizes her life right now as she has a separate world one week when she doesn't have the kids (we split custody 50/50) and then lives her life as a mother on the week she has the kids.  My W also is drinking a lot to cope with her struggles.   I tried to get her to stop drinking before BD and even recently.   She just seems to be in her own world and doesn't appear to understand the devastation that she is causing.  I am just trying to detach and focus on what I can control which is me and how I handle things in the my life.

HF
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W - 42
M - 46
Together 19 years, M 17
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021
D Final - Jan 2022
K
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General MLC Questions ?
#81: November 03, 2021, 12:36:28 PM
I'm not sure if it's compartmentalizing like I thought before. I think they go into robot mode. And it's in the down time when they aren't busy that they lose it, lash out and act out- replay at it's finest. I wonder how long they can keep the two separate? So weird.
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YOU keep interrupting his crisis. YOU keep him distracted with all your questions, statements and observations. YOU keep him from facing himself, from feeling the pain of missing his family (until he is ready to do something about it...or not ). YOU are keeping him from fully feeling and facing the man he is.  Leave him 100% to his own devices and crisis ...100% shut it all down.  Bow out...its not about you! I sometimes feel they have stranded themselves on some deserted island. They have done that to themselves as a result of their own actions, choices, behaviors. They need to figure out how to get off the island...the messy painful island they put themselves on. Stop taking him fresh water, food, homemade baking, clean clothes etc....why would he try to make himself better?
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#82: November 03, 2021, 02:43:13 PM
Hi Kelly,

I understand compartmentalizing, but I'm not sure exactly what you mean by their down time.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."
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General MLC Questions ?
#83: November 03, 2021, 02:50:45 PM
Well for my H, it would be when he's not at work keeping up that image of owner. When he goes home at 5, he usually drinks, checks emails, sales reports, cooks something or grabs some food and then goes to bed by 8. Its usually in the evenings when he lashes out at me or goes to the bar or gets inside his head. Maybe that is compartmentalizing. Idk. Just weird that I can talk to him while he's at work- and it's all business. Then in the evenings he's a completely different person.

Either way, sort of a non-issue right now because I'm trying to limit contact as much as possible and focus on my side of stuff. Just find it interesting how they seem to hold it together for the most part. Must be exhausting.
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YOU keep interrupting his crisis. YOU keep him distracted with all your questions, statements and observations. YOU keep him from facing himself, from feeling the pain of missing his family (until he is ready to do something about it...or not ). YOU are keeping him from fully feeling and facing the man he is.  Leave him 100% to his own devices and crisis ...100% shut it all down.  Bow out...its not about you! I sometimes feel they have stranded themselves on some deserted island. They have done that to themselves as a result of their own actions, choices, behaviors. They need to figure out how to get off the island...the messy painful island they put themselves on. Stop taking him fresh water, food, homemade baking, clean clothes etc....why would he try to make himself better?
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#84: November 03, 2021, 03:14:00 PM
Oh I bet it is!

You're right though, this is their struggle to figure out who they want to be.   I don't envy them.  They are so lost and have no idea who they are or who they want to be.

It can be a real identity crisis for them.
I'm sure on some level it is very scary for them.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."
K
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General MLC Questions ?
#85: November 29, 2021, 05:02:43 PM
I talked to my H a few days ago and he mentioned being 'exhausted'. So they definitely 'feel' it weighing on them in one way or another. Just makes you wonder how long they can go on like that.
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YOU keep interrupting his crisis. YOU keep him distracted with all your questions, statements and observations. YOU keep him from facing himself, from feeling the pain of missing his family (until he is ready to do something about it...or not ). YOU are keeping him from fully feeling and facing the man he is.  Leave him 100% to his own devices and crisis ...100% shut it all down.  Bow out...its not about you! I sometimes feel they have stranded themselves on some deserted island. They have done that to themselves as a result of their own actions, choices, behaviors. They need to figure out how to get off the island...the messy painful island they put themselves on. Stop taking him fresh water, food, homemade baking, clean clothes etc....why would he try to make himself better?
M
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General MLC Questions ?
#86: November 29, 2021, 06:06:50 PM
From me XH own thoughts. He said it took all his energy to fake it at work. When he then came home and I had questions or needed time it was overwhelming. I think that is where the need to escape came in. The feeling if they didnt leave they will die. The Ow colws in as a escape from the life they are living.  You would think it they are so drained and exhausted how do they have the energy or mindset to handle a new relationship?? They dont. That is when they finally crack and leave, because the Ow is the only escape from their life that is working at the moment
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There is almost something harder about someone being alive and having to lose what you believed to be true of them than someone actually dying.

Indefatigability - determined to do or achieve something; firmness of purpose
perspicacity- a clarity of vision or intellect which provides a deep understanding and insight

Married July 1991
Jan 2018 BD1 moved out I filed for Div/ H stopped it
Oct 2018 moved back
Oct 2020 BD2
Feb 2021 Div-29 1/2 years
July 2021 Married OW
Feb 2022  XH fired
May 2023 went NC after telling XH we could not be friends
Aug 2023 XH moves w/o OWife
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#87: November 29, 2021, 08:49:10 PM
Just makes you wonder how long they can go on like that.

I expect until they are completely worn out, they can't run from themselves forever, they tried everything, nothing worked to make them feel better, so all they have left is to look inward and start doing the hard work of trying to heal themselves.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."
M
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General MLC Questions ?
#88: November 30, 2021, 03:54:36 AM
XH has been doing it since 2012. Little bits and then escalated to now moving in with OW. He has physically aged 20 years. It takes a huge toll, but personally I think his wheels are coming off now. Everyone has a total breaking point or they just totally lose themselves. I think most will face their issues IMHO
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There is almost something harder about someone being alive and having to lose what you believed to be true of them than someone actually dying.

Indefatigability - determined to do or achieve something; firmness of purpose
perspicacity- a clarity of vision or intellect which provides a deep understanding and insight

Married July 1991
Jan 2018 BD1 moved out I filed for Div/ H stopped it
Oct 2018 moved back
Oct 2020 BD2
Feb 2021 Div-29 1/2 years
July 2021 Married OW
Feb 2022  XH fired
May 2023 went NC after telling XH we could not be friends
Aug 2023 XH moves w/o OWife
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Re: General MLC Questions ?
#89: November 30, 2021, 05:45:27 AM
Those are all signs of depression.
Thats why you are posting here, they are in MLC.
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