Journaling
Its been a rough week emotionally. I have definitely stepped back and its coming out in forms of my old depressive self. My apartment is a mess as I have not been on top of my chores, no desire to cook meals, and just have felt like I am in a state of denial of what is happening in my situation. I feel that something is telling me to be still, so I have been trying to honour it, but I am starting to question whether or not I'm stuck in some fantasy and choosing to ignore my reality
Yesterday, we had a really warm day here (23 degrees celsius). So my friends and I ended up going to a patio for some drinks. Of course I discussed my W because its still early on in the process. One friend called out that it was twice that I mentioned getting back together with her, or working it out when she's out of crisis. Ouch. I definitely felt like an idiot. One friend mentions that my W died her hair blue - my immediate reaction was "Thats not surprising". Then his W said "no she didn't, she just cut her hair to her shoulders". He insisted it was blue. Queue everyone pulling their cell phone out to look up the photo to see if it really is blue. And thats when it dawned on one of my friends - she has removed him from IG. So others begin to look and lo behold, she removed them too. Our group is a tight knit group of 10 - she removed 7 of them and kept 3? She removed one of the friends but she kept his wife as a friend? And so those in the group who have Facebook also checked there, she hasn't removed them there. I know this is text book behaviour - remove traces of your old life, remove the friends that won't agree with your choices. But it definitely stings. She said in the beginning, she wanted us, after a period of separation and space to sort through the end of our marriage, to be able to remain friends, to be able to continue to be friends with our circle, with no animosity between each other. That we would be comfortable enough to bring our new partners and not have it weird. I get it, its the MLC talk, but she's now cut that group of friends out from her life, the one she so desperately wanted to hold on to.
At BD, I put her text message in the group chat, where she confirmed she cheated on me. I'm not proud of this, but I obviously was not okay and needed support. I understand that it affects her friendships with these people, but she reached out to them and told them she wasn't ready to talk about what she had done, but she would, in time. And they never heard from her again.
One of my friends and his W live not to far from where my W moved to. He mentioned he saw her in his building, with a guy. Now she lives in the same area as her sisters, so I asked if the guy looked like my brother in law - he said he couldn't remember, so I think he wasn't about to describe this guy to me. So naturally, I begin to wonder if she's seeing a man now. Leading up to BD, she had made comments about her sexuality (For reference, she's been gay since she was 18 - she was married to a woman before, and when she was in her teens, she tried to have sex with a guy but she was so grossed out that she laughed at his junk and then had to leave - thats how gay she was). So a few months prior to BD, she made a comment about questioning her sexuality. And I asked her at that time, do we need to have a chat about something? She said no, but she's just saying, if she were single and met a man, she wouldn't not date him because she doesn't believe in labels. I guess I didn't want to broach the subject with her as my last long term GF cheated on me with men, so this obviously triggers me.
And so now, today, I struggle. I've always thought she may choose to pursue something with a man - and I wondered if thats my line. Would I ever be able to reconnect with her, if that opportunity presented itself, knowing she had been with a man? I struggle a lot with being in a relationship with a woman who then changes her preference to men. This would be the second relationship where this happened to me, so it hurts. I question myself, what is it about me that causes this? Is it because I present as a masculine dyke? Does my look and demeanour resemble that of a man, minus the parts? Does that confuse women? Its something I need to work through because it really affects my self esteem.
Is it a new friend? Is it a lover? I dont have the answers, and I can be purely speculating and expecting the worst I guess. But its definitely affected me.
Last night, I ended up being "intimate" with another woman. It wasn't full on, but there was definitely some physical things that happened. I woke up this morning and naturally, my W was on my mind. Yuck. I got up, got dressed, and snuck out and did the walk of shame home, in shorts, in 8 degree weather LOL. I dont regret last night, but its clear as day that my W's actions (and non actions), still affect me. I am thankful that she only came to mind the morning after, and not during as that would have been incredible awkward.
I went to pick my dog up from my mom this morning and shared with her what I found out, and about the man thing bothering me. She told me its not me, and I know this, but it still stings, it still hurts, and its definitely opened some unhealed trauma wounds.
On the streetcar today, I thought of the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind. I wish that I was able to do that. I wish I could erase this from my mind. I wish I could be in a different place at a different time. One where Im not so confused and not so damaged and broken
And yesterday, I took my wedding ring off my left hand and moved it back to my right. I didn't want my friends to ask why I was wearing it, but after yesterdays turn of events with my W defriending the group, and possibly having a BF, I think its time to keep it off.