[Happylight]

I have been going through this for a while now, but more recently found this forum. I have read lots of posts and thought I would share my story.

M-23 T-24
LBS(Me-47)H-49
S20,D16,D11

In hindsight this journey started long before I knew.

 In the Spring of 2021 I started feeling like I was walking on eggshells.  We were arguing a lot more.  H had a motorcycle for a while, but he joined a motorcycle club.  He cut his hair in a mohawk style.  I thought it was a result of a lot of things that were going on with Covid.  Our oldest graduated from high school that May and left for college in August.  In September of 2021, we had a big argument over some comments that I made to long time friends that he perceived as disrespectful.  He said he wanted a divorce, we argued, he dropped some bombs about some traumas from teen year that he has experienced that I had never heard about.  He got emotional, but it was resolved.  Walking on eggshells continued, but we had many good moments also.  Life was busy, with work and kids and his increasing participating in MC. 

In September of 2022 he became angry while we were on a camping trip.  This time I saw the monster.  He was very hateful, and finally I said fine.  I went to sleep in the back part of the camper, but he came to me a little while later crying and saying he didn't know what was wrong with him.  Over the next few months he was spending more time away from home with friends, he was drinking more and it was concerning me. 

In beginning of Feb 2023 I was gone for a work conference, and when I came back, I could tell something was really off.  However, like others, I had no idea what was about to happen.  I kept pushing him for several days to tell me what was going on, and finally when he came home late after being out drinking he gave me ILYBNILWY and 50 reasons for the irretrievable breakdown of our marriage--which were all my fault.  He was bringing up a completely appropriate relationship with my son's junior high coach (5 years prior which I now realize was projection) among many other things.  He told me that he wanted a divorce and was moving out to our RV. 

For the next 3 months he stayed at home.  We still had a relationship and slept in the same bed.  He was cold and distant, but would only blow up or bring up the split after drinking.  He came home at night except when he was on a motorcycle ride.  April 2023 he started sleeping in our son's room.  May 2023 he moved out to RV. 

After he moved out, he became very confusing because I now understand he is a clinging boomerang.    He would say he loved me and wanted to be with me.   He would come to the house daily, and He would want me to come to RV, but we would have random explosions where he would perceive something I did as a problem, he would project and spew with monster, but would then the next day would come close again.   I always attributed the behavior to drinking.  In July 2023 he told me he wanted to take me on a trip for my birthday.  We went on a trip for 3 days you would have never known that there was any problems between us. 

A week after that I went to visit him at RV and accidentally caught him with OW.  He had hidden it really well.  She revealed that they had been seeing each other for 8 months.  I handled a lot poorly, but I was so thrown off by it.  Other than that night, he refuses to admit she even exists or existed.  I have not talked to her other than that night--she is over 20 years younger and from what I did learn, so many things that he doesn't like in a woman. The very next day he reached out to me again.  He told me he wanted a divorce that night, but never took action.   I honestly have no idea what the status of their relationship is--she lives like an hour away and earlier on his behavior had a pattern which is not present, but again, I really don't know.

I tried starting to detach a bit more, but struggled.  In September or October he started coming over more and spending the night.  He would come over almost every day and started taking me out on dates.  I was following some advice from a group that supports standing for marriage, but didn't really dive into MLC stuff until later in the fall.  I thought we were building and working on reconnecting.

Thanksgiving 2023 we had a great week together and great day, but that night he decided to throw everything in the pantry away to help the family be more healthy, and then was going to get in the car and take off.  I told him not to leave because he had been drinking and we had a huge argument, my son intervened and told him to leave.  He also called my parents for support.  My youngest was crying over everything in the pantry being thrown away. He left to go hunting and came back 3 days later and told me not to talk to him.  We pretty much were almost no contact for 3 weeks or so--only contact regarding kid events.  During this time he started reaching out to the kids and seemed to be trying to reconnect with them. Then he asked if he could come over for dinner.  He thanked me for dinner.  Since then I think has been trying to reconnect, but it comes and goes.  He will connect and then move away for a few days.  I have not seen Monster since Thanksgiving. 

We spent Christmas together.  Since Christmas, he has spent at least a couple nights a week at the house, we went on a family weekend away, and he took me to the deer lease for a weekend.  He has honored requests I have made to not leave without saying goodbye. 

We have not had any relationship status talk in months.  Every opportunity he has had to separate us financially etc, he does not.  I work full time and make decent money, but he earns more than I do.  He has not complained at all about my spending and has made sure financial needs are met. 

During this time, I started working out again, have lost 30 pounds.  I started learning how to play piano, saw a counselor for a while (she actually said that I was pretty self aware and reflective), started bible study more regularly, cooked more, cleaned house more, went to the firing range on my own, started being more aware of my dress, makeup hair, get nails done regularly, and most recently learned how to crochet.  Next, I am working on a garden at home. I have done a huge amount of reading and reflection on relationships, the 4 horsemen, forgiveness, and MLC. At this point, I am aware, that I would be considered a high value woman. 

A few weeks ago he texted me when he was out of town with his buddy (buddy stays with him during the week but is in the process of relocating and he frequently goes to his land out of state).  He said he wanted me to know he loved me, that I am the image of purity to him, and that he shouldn't tell me these things because they make him seem needy.  He said he wanted to talk to me when he returned, but that was 3 weeks ago, and we haven't had a talk. 

Lately, he has admitted that he has been having panic attacks, and I think he has been a little scared.  They feel like a heart attack, but he has had them checked out in the past. He has also said he is afraid he might be having alcohol withdrawal, which I take as an acceptance that he knows he might have a problem.  I have been much better and mirroring his communication and not reaching out when he is dark.  However, I do find that at times after I reach out, he seems to communicate a lot more.  I keep trying to get on with my life.  When I start struggling I try to sleep or pick up a new hobby.  Very few people in my life know that we are separated even though it has been a year.   He has been calmer and shared some reflections of things (about life and kids) that seem to reflect a much calmer and more rational state of mind.  We come from very different backgrounds, he is highly intelligent and successful,  but growing up his life was harder.  Both of his parents have passed away in their 50s, and I have both of mine.  He has little to no contact with his siblings.  He has a GED and I have a master’s degree (which seems to bother him), but I work in education and it is more required, his field allows more for experience. 

I think he is reconnecting slowly.  Any advice or insight is helpful.  Until I learned about the clinging boomerang, I thought I was losing my mind!

[Treasur]

Not sure I’m the most useful or appropriate responder, but weekends can be quiet so I wanted you to know you were heard until better folks come along to share their advice. My first thought, funnily enough, was that you might want to go back and read Hopeandfaith’s story who just posted an update, bc there may be some similarities in her situation and yours.

A few weeks ago he texted me when he was out of town with his buddy…..said he wanted me to know he loved me, that I am the image of purity to him, and that he shouldn't tell me these things because they make him seem needy.  He said he wanted to talk to me when he returned, but that was 3 weeks ago, and we haven't had a talk.

From reading stories here over the years, this is exactly what clinging boomerangs seem to do. Pop up, big declaration that sounds like it means something, then away they go. I think it makes it much harder to detach or see the wood for the trees bc of course most LBS believe - or want to believe understandably - it means some kind of progress towards the reconnection they want. But anecdotally, that is often not true; it’s more like an emotional burp. Bc these folks are driven by emotions turned up to 11…and those emotions can change between a Tuesday and a Thursday. Keeps you on the rollercoaster though, I’d imagine.

If this is how it seems to be, what do you want to do about it?
What do you think is in your best interests and best for you and your kids?
How can we best support you figuring out how to meet your own goals?

It sounds as if, in addition to whatever potential MLCish thing is underpinning his behaviour, there are two other big elephants in the situational room. Ow (or owomen) are one. And I’m so sorry you had to find out about ow the way you did; that must have been awful. I don’t know what your pov is about infidelity. Again, based on stories here, it is usually wise to accept that someone has lied to you makes it much more likely that they are still lying about other things. It can be a bit of a shock, almost like a series of small BDs, as the truths come out. Which of course often with time and events, they do. And his refusal to discuss it is not imho a good sign of reconnection, more an ongoing attempt to compartmentalise when it suits him. And to keep getting whatever it is he wants to keep getting from his interactions with you, your kids and the secrecy.

The other of course is his drinking. Again idk what your pov is about this, if it pre-dates BD or how much life experience you have of being around people who have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. But of course these folks lie and compartmentalise too, don’t they? It’s the nature of the beast. Which raises some really difficult questions for those that love them about the balance between supporting and inadvertently enabling.

So, three things at least….ow, drinking and whatever underpins his particular crisis. None of which are either caused or fixable by you.
So, what do you want to do with that?

Same question really….if this is how it currently is, how much or how little of it do you want to allow into your life and your kids’ lives? What is acceptable to you to work with and what is not? And what kind of boundaries do you want to put in place for the bits that are not? How can we best support you?

No judgement from me, regardless of your answers, if you choose to share them here. I can pretty much guarantee that there is not one single thing you have experienced, done, thought or felt that has not been shared by other LBS here at some point. You are not alone. You are not crazy. But you are in a situation which is profoundly distressing and confusing. One that is not primarily about you, but that doubtless affects pretty much every part of your life that you value most. There is no easy one size fits all solution for that; only a process, usually with some trial and error, of figuring out the sanest, wisest way for you to navigate it. And lots of invisible folks here who want to support you and your kids as you do. 

[Happylight]

Thank you for words of kindness. 

For now, I will continue standing.  I understand that I have choices, do feel very strongly about the vows that I made. For me, the vows that I made aren't negated by someone else's actions.  At some point, I may decide that I will release myself, but the time hasn't come for me yet. 

I would like to figure out how to detach a little more.  Also, I know I should have had more boundaries in the past, but I have learned a lot.  A few weeks ago I requested that he not leave the house without letting me know he's leaving (he would leave while I was walking the dog or in the shower), and he has made a point to show that he is respecting that request. Currently, I am not sure if I need to put any new boundaries in place.

A couple of changes in the last couple of weeks. He started taking some blood pressure medicine and has dramatically cut down his drinking.  The combination really seems to have taken the wind out of his sails.  He seems a lot more withdrawn.  However, when he is with me, he seems kind, helpful, and like he wants to be there.  When I text him, he is responsive if I need something.  I have tried to detach more by only messaging when I truly need something.  He's been running and avoiding (with drinking and other behaviors) for a couple of years now, and I don't know what it means that he isn't engaging in those behaviors right now. 

An additional complicating factor--He has a friend that is staying with him in the RV currently.  It is an older guy that he respects a lot.  He sold his house and was supposed to move out of state once his job wrapped up, but his job has lasted longer than expected, so he is there during the week and travels to his wife out of state most weekends. 

As for avoiding talking about anything, I haven't tried to mention or bring up anything in a while now.  I am not sure how to know when the time is right to try to ease into those types of conversations since most things advise avoiding relationship talk. I have been trying to avoid additional chaos in my kids' lives.  So, I have tried to avoid making too many changes at home.  I haven't said negative things about their father.  They are pretty intuitive (even though I have kept details from them) and in their own times have let him know a couple of times that they are angry with him, that I haven't said anything to them, but that they can see who is here. He seems to realize the distance he has created with kids and has been making some additional efforts with them in the last three months.  He has also admitted to not handling certain things well with them in the last 2 years, which is a huge shift. 

I am just trying to figure out if I am on the right pathway regardless the outcome.  The waiting is a killer...

[xyzcf]

Hi Happylight and welcome to HS.

I have been standing for our marriage for many years.  There are some other places that support my beliefs  but I have benefitted a great deal from what I have learned about MLC here.
I wrote today on another thread that I had difficulty with the word “detach”. There are so many memories, dreams that are not in my conscious control. What made more sense to me was accept what is. This was a better way for me to support my beliefs about marriage and what has happened to change him so greatly.
You might wish to look into Al Anon for support. As you know there is nothing you can do about his drinking.
As you stated, the waiting is very hard.

[UrsaMajor]

Hello Happy and "welcome" to the party that no one ever wanted a forced invitation to attend.

A little word on "detachment." The way it is bandied about here suggests different things but, going WAY back into the past when RCR first coined the term, it was seen to mean getting control of your own emotional well being and "detaching" your emotional well-being and stability from the emotional rollercoaster of the Mid-Lifer.

Later it was seen as some as meaning to detach from the MLC'er in some form or another and to retreat/isolate/remove one's self from the equation where the Mid-Lifer was involved or to detach one's self from the memories (the REAL memories) of the relationship that was there prior to the bomb going off. This would, naturally lead to the distancing of the LBS from the MLC'er and that is where some of the longer-term standing members of the forum take issue with the term I believe.

True "detachment" (as least as the term was initially meant) is a way of maintaining control over the one thing that you actually have control over and that is yourself. The Mid-Lifer has the emotional stability of a bowl of Jello on a hot day. Therefore, getting our own emotional basis under our control instead of being attached to the radical ups and downs of the MLC'er is what it is all about.

As RCR said once upon a time (and I am paraphrasing this), it is imperative that we (the LBS) detach our own emotions from the emotional Rollercoaster that is the MLC'er in order to avoid being whipsawed by their emotional turmoil. The main reasons for this are that a) we are NOT the cause of said turmoil (as much as they would LOVE to have us take that responsibility for them like we took the responsibility for many other things in our lives together a our marriages), and b) we can not control their emotional state of mind anymore than we can control the path of a tornado... but we CAN control our own state of being. We just need to take the ti9me to learn how to do that again as an individual instead of as a couple...

[Treasur]

A few weeks ago I requested that he not leave the house without letting me know he's leaving (he would leave while I was walking the dog or in the shower), and he has made a point to show that he is respecting that request. Currently, I am not sure if I need to put any new boundaries in place.

You might find it useful to read up a little on boundaries. I don’t know why him telling you when he’s leaving is important to you, but you are right that it is a request. And bc it is based on HISactions not YOURS, it is not in your control and therefore not a boundary as such.

An equivalent boundary might look more like ‘I don’t like people coming and going in my home without my knowing about it’ (as an example) and if someone is unable or unwilling to meet that, then I will change the locks/put the chain on the door when I am at home/take legal action if necessary to prevent them accessing my home etc etc (bc there are lots of possible choices we can make to honour our own boundaries).

Some boundaries are situational…if I find myself in x situation, this is what enables me to cope ok with the situation. And they can change as a situation changes. Some are more absolute, more about our own deeper sense of self and apply across most/all situations, so those tend not to change much or be dependent on a given situation. And sometimes we find out what our basic boundaries REALLY are bc we are placed for the first time in a situation that tests them….which can mean we find out things about ourselves than can be surprising or even uncomfortable.

And boundaries tbh are important actions, ours and others, as opposed to words.

But it tends to be centred on what OUR boundary line is actually ABOUT for US. And it takes a bit of trial and error to get the hang of boundaries if we are not used to then.

What boundaries do you feel you need and why? Or what do you see as the effects of not having them if as you say, you are not sure if you need different/new ones?

[Happylight]

I appreciate the input on detachment.  I do appreciate the different definitions and I feel like they may help me a little more.  I am much less impacted by his actions than I used to be, but not completely unaffected.  I do think the boomeranging has made it much more difficult.  The information I have learned about the MLC has helped me to process things in a much less emotional manner. 

I understand what was shared about boundaries.  I should have had some boundaries in response to monster, (projection, spewing, rage), but did not understand as well what was going on.  However, I haven't seen monster in almost 3 months now, but if he does return, I think that I will be able to use a boundary for my own well being. 

I understand that the boundary is for me.  I also believe he is cake eating--particularly in terms of meals.  Him eating the food at home isn't hurting me at all, so I don't believe a boundary is needed, but he is getting the best of both worlds in many ways here. 

The kids have no desire to visit him at the RV and it is difficult with the additional person staying there, so his visits to the house are when he sees the kids.  Many resources I have read also say that the less things are changed in the home, the easier it is for them to return.  So much of his behavior doesn't seem particularly permanent.  He really has no more clothing with him than he would have on a vacation.  He washes his clothes at the house and his closet and dresser are still mostly full.  He has made no attempt to find a different living situation.  At one point, he mentioned moving into the bedroom upstairs, but that was when his buddy was supposed to be gone, so as I stated, I am not sure what impact that living situation is having on everything. 

I have recently realized that, really, my whole life, my friendship were based on/built off of work related activities or kid related activities.  Although I still have the same job, I have actually been working to have more balance with work, and life has changed in the last couple of years with kid-related activities.  The number of people that actually know my situation in my circle is very small--around 10 including my parents, my kids, and my sister.  Mutual acquaintances don't know--although I think a few have figured it out.  This transition occurred on the tail of covid and lots of situational changes due to our son graduating and our daughters getting older, so many mutual social situations had already disappeared.  This has left me feeling kind of isolated.   I have done a lot on building and growing myself, but it has been mostly in isolation.  I don't know how to do things just for the sake of being social.   In some ways, keeping up with everything, doing my workouts, being the default parent has me tired and feeling overwhelmed, but also, I think that I need to do something to branch out.  Thinking about it makes me tired too. 

I think that I am also a bit burned out.  I have had my moments, and I have cried, and done stupid things, but I have never completely fallen apart.  I have always kept moving forward and took care of what needed to be done--adding more to my checklist at home.  Some days I just don't want to do anything, but also get frustrated when I am not productive and there is so much nobody else is doing. 

[KayDee]

  I don't know how to do things just for the sake of being social.   In some ways, keeping up with everything, doing my workouts, being the default parent has me tired and feeling overwhelmed, but also, I think that I need to do something to branch out.  Thinking about it makes me tired too. 

I think that I am also a bit burned out.  I have had my moments, and I have cried, and done stupid things, but I have never completely fallen apart.  I have always kept moving forward and took care of what needed to be done--adding more to my checklist at home.  Some days I just don't want to do anything, but also get frustrated when I am not productive and there is so much nobody else is doing.

IMO, if thinking about it makes you tired, you are probably not ready for it. The time will come when you feel ready. Or an opportunity will present itself. Try to trust yourself - you already said that you have previously built things (paraphrasing) - so, you can build  you can transfer that skill. When you are ready. Something I did, was try to say 'yes' to as many invites as I could. Now, I know I am on the mend, as I can turn things down, and look forward to nights in. I am now contemplating the 'new people' phase, but it's been 18 months for me.

Yes, you are very likely emotionally exhausted. Remember, fallow periods allow for new growth. I was the same as you. Had a bit of a 'lost' day today (hence I am here ) but they get fewer and further between.

[Reinventing]

The Mid-Lifer has the emotional stability of a bowl of Jello on a hot day. Therefore, getting our own emotional basis under our control instead of being attached to the radical ups and downs of the MLC'er is what it is all about.

Yes, I felt that I was literally attached to a ship listing at sea, bobbing up and down with big waves threatening to take me under. Once I realized that there was an OW (like most I couldn't comprehend that was true), then I realized I was also attached to her by being attached to him.

So I had to cut the line for a period of time, so to speak, to survive. I needed to not drown and then right my ship. Then, with time, I could heal and have a better view of what was happening and even make my way to shore for some stability.

It really felt like I was drowning, that I couldn't breathe due to the pain, until I learned to focus on me and learned coping strategies, which included exercise.

It's a very tough thing to go through.

[Happylight]

Trying to figure out how to really keep my expectations down. 

Friday my H decided to buy a new sectional for our living room-he asked me about it and I said I didn't really care, so he bought it.  He did not want his recliner moved out of the living room even though it doesn't go with the new furniture.  He spent almost the entire weekend at the house.  He seems to be connecting with the kids more.  He has also started walking the dogs with me sometimes, which is something that he hasn't done in the past, and he hasn't been working out with weights which he had been doing with vigor for most of the crisis. It's hard to put my finger on some of the changes.  Before I knew what was happening he seemed angry and irritable all the time--and that I could do nothing right, and then he was withdrawn and cold or hot, then he was kind of manic and very loving.  Now, he seems warm and more considerate, but deflated and kind of quiet and withdrawn.  Sometimes, when he is at the house, it seems like none of the last couple of years--especially the last year, ever happened. 

I keep telling myself he might randomly completely disappear on me, but it is very hard to live through these things and not have any expectation in them.  How do you keep yourself in check, but still allow them to build back with you--especially if they haven't broken the silence yet?

[Happylight]

I am really struggling this last week.  I am not sure if it is just burnout, exhaustion or what.  The thing is, nothing has happened that should cause things to be harder for me.  In a lot of ways, things in our situation and interactions have improved.  However, I currently feel like depression is lurking nearby, like quicksand, threatening to suck me under.  I am having to push myself so much to continue on with all my daily activities.   

Why, after more than a year, am I struggling so much the last couple of weeks? 

[WHY]

Depression is part of the LBS journey towards acceptance.  Don’t be afraid of it.  Know it’s something that has to happen and give yourself the time and grace to work through it.  Things will become clearly and more peaceful on the otherside. 

[UrsaMajor]

Trying to figure out how to really keep my expectations down. 

Friday my H decided to buy a new sectional for our living room-he asked me about it and I said I didn't really care, so he bought it.  He did not want his recliner moved out of the living room even though it doesn't go with the new furniture.  He spent almost the entire weekend at the house.  He seems to be connecting with the kids more.  He has also started walking the dogs with me sometimes, which is something that he hasn't done in the past, and he hasn't been working out with weights which he had been doing with vigor for most of the crisis. It's hard to put my finger on some of the changes.  Before I knew what was happening he seemed angry and irritable all the time--and that I could do nothing right, and then he was withdrawn and cold or hot, then he was kind of manic and very loving.  Now, he seems warm and more considerate, but deflated and kind of quiet and withdrawn.  Sometimes, when he is at the house, it seems like none of the last couple of years--especially the last year, ever happened. 

I keep telling myself he might randomly completely disappear on me, but it is very hard to live through these things and not have any expectation in them.  How do you keep yourself in check, but still allow them to build back with you--especially if they haven't broken the silence yet?

and

I am really struggling this last week.  I am not sure if it is just burnout, exhaustion or what.  The thing is, nothing has happened that should cause things to be harder for me. In a lot of ways, things in our situation and interactions have improved.  However, I currently feel like depression is lurking nearby, like quicksand, threatening to suck me under.  I am having to push myself so much to continue on with all my daily activities.   

Why, after more than a year, am I struggling so much the last couple of weeks? 

Uhmmmmmmm .... Read your two last posts.....

Does the term "whipsawed" ring a bell? Rollercoaster?

On one side you are dealing with a Mid-Lifer that APPEARS to be showing some signs of .... what.... pulling his head out of his ..... fog.... but at the same time, your gut is telling you that this might just be some sort of "touch-and-go" and he might just pull a "Where's Waldo" on you.

Unless you are  this guy with trying to hold both sides together in one coherent exercise

You should not be surprised to feel wiped out once in a while.... It is fully normal....

[Nas]

I am really struggling this last week.  I am not sure if it is just burnout, exhaustion or what.  The thing is, nothing has happened that should cause things to be harder for me.  In a lot of ways, things in our situation and interactions have improved.  However, I currently feel like depression is lurking nearby, like quicksand, threatening to suck me under.  I am having to push myself so much to continue on with all my daily activities.   

Why, after more than a year, am I struggling so much the last couple of weeks?

Don’t underestimate the physical toll that this can take. The anxiety, the unknown, the waiting for things to happen, the trying to interpret what has already happened, these are not natural states of being and they can really adversely impact a person, not just emotionally but physically.

On Wednesday I had one of my follow up visits for cancer. They uploaded the scan results to my portal Wednesday night so I read something on the scan that sounds scary, with no knowledge of what it actually meant, and I had to wait until later today, when I have my appointment with the oncologist. And I was thinking that that is a little bit analogous to the LBS watching and reading and listening and looking for clues and signs of something happening, something that’s changed, etc. What is the same is that anxiety of knowing (but not really knowing at all) just a little bit, just enough to get the imagination going in all sorts of directions.

Do you have a therapist? Your health and wellbeing is the most important thing here.

[Happylight]

On Wednesday I had one of my follow up visits for cancer. They uploaded the scan results to my portal Wednesday night so I read something on the scan that sounds scary, with no knowledge of what it actually meant, and I had to wait until later today, when I have my appointment with the oncologist. And I was thinking that that is a little bit analogous to the LBS watching and reading and listening and looking for clues and signs of something happening, something that’s changed, etc. What is the same is that anxiety of knowing (but not really knowing at all) just a little bit, just enough to get the imagination going in all sorts of directions.

Do you have a therapist? Your health and wellbeing is the most important thing here.

I really hope that your appointment went well, and that the scary stuff can be dealt with.  I do think that is a good analogy. 

I went to a therapist for a while.  She did help, but really it was. a lot of just me recapping things that had happened.  She said she would continue to see me if I wished (my benefits were running out and would have been higher out of pocket), but that I was very aware, pretty insightful, and if I felt like going back to school I should consider therapy as a new career.  She was very supportive and understanding of my efforts to stand for my marriage, which I have heard is not always the case with therapists. 

I have been trying to continue on with my routines and activities--exercise, piano, walking, crochet--these things have helped in the past year, and they are all new routines in the last year.  I also try to take a hot bath every night. 

[Baxter1]

Happy,

In the beginning therapy for me was very helpful. Just getting to a safe place to let it all out was great. Now that I have a better handle on what is going on I go less but I find the session’s helpful.

As for hobbies that sounds great! I want to learn how to play the guitar and maybe I’ll add piano to the list. I did dancing lessons early on, had a blast. Keep up the good work working on yourself!

[Happylight]

Journaling a bit...

Several months ago, while praying, I heard a very clear message to "Be Still."  I have been working very hard at that, and for the most part have been pretty successful.  However, as more time passes, and as he seems to move closer to me and the family, it seems like it gets harder. 

As I wrote, last week he bought a new sectional for the house.  This week we had to get a new washer.  He asked me which one I wanted and then ordered it.  He also bought new pillows for the bed at the house--for him and for me. 

Last week he spent Saturday and Sunday (and both nights), this week he came over  Thursday, Friday, and Sunday nights.  He worked from the house on Friday, worked Saturday morning, took me to get a new washing machine, but then left.  He showed up again Sunday morning and spent the day and night.  He spends some of the time at the house playing video games, which is something he did before he moved out, but hadn't done for about 8 months, and he just picked up again in the last month or so.  He also seems to be going to bed at night and getting up earlier.  He was often complaining that he didn't sleep well, and had been having panic attacks, which I think the way he was living was impacting that (routines, habits, and living in ways that were incompatible with his beliefs.). 

He made a statement about getting old and that it sucks.  This seems like progress because he is starting to accept that he is aging and he is being impacted by the aging. 

We seem to be largely past the projection and spewing.  I do know it could return, but it has been a little over 3 months since it last showed.  There have been lots of other little things that have changed and I don't seem to be able to completely detach from what they mean.   I am definitely doing things much different than what I did at the beginning, but it does seem that as soon as I withdrew and was able to detach, he came back started with possible reconnecting behaviors  and threw me off.  I've moved forward with my life, but have not moved on.  I think that as long as I have not moved on, I think I will be impacted by his changes even though at times I wish this was not the case. 

I think he is still in escape and avoid mode, but I suspect spiraling down toward depression and withdrawal.  Although I don't know or see everything (and I've stopped with any additional snooping or investigation), I still see much less of the high energy replay activities, behavior, and attitude.   There seems to be less arrogance about him as well. The bomb drop that I think was the beginning of escape and avoid was about 18 months ago, but the second bomb drop which really brought me into the crisis was about 13 months ago. 

I am trying to hold fast to my routines and changes that have been made in my life in the past year.  I know that I am better for them.  In fact, if I wasn't already married to the idiot for 23 years with history, life, and 3 kids, I wouldn't waste my time on him.  Isn't that crazy?  The Alienator's and the replay behaviors make our MLCers feel more valuable, but in my eyes they are really taking away value. 

[Happylight]

I know that timelines are difficult.  I know that it is slow.  That being said, I have to ask.  Returns and/or reconnections--can they just drag on forever? 
H seems to be moving closer, but it is baby steps.  He seems to be slowly spending more and more time at the house.  In the past week he has been at the house literally every day, and spent pretty much all day there (either hanging out or working from home) 3 full days and spent the night 3 nights.  The amount of time at the house seems to be very slowly increasing and sometimes we have a few steps back.  For months he never spent the night at all and we wouldn't see him for several days at a time.  This gradually increasing pattern occurred in the fall (Sept-Nov), we had a huge argument over Thanksgiving and it reset, and he pretty much disappeared for about 3 weeks.  Its been building again since Christmas time. 

I am having a hard time managing expectations and finding my balance.  It seems like as soon as I get a rhythm and find my balance, things shift. 

[xyzcf]

Returns and/or reconnections--can they just drag on forever?

When this site first started, I think it was 2010 or so, RCR and other researches on MLC put a timeframe  as 2-3 years for the crisis to last. That was later upgraded to 3-7 years. There are stories now of these changes in our spouses lasting  a decade or more......

You cannot really set any expectations about how long.....and when a spouse continues to interact on some level, it's difficult not to have hope and expectations that he is working through the crisis and coming closer.

A great deal of patience is required and the ability to let go of any type of outcome.

In fact, if I wasn't already married to the idiot for 23 years with history, life, and 3 kids, I wouldn't waste my time on him.  Isn't that crazy?

It's not crazy. We never wanted this to happen, it was not our choice. We do not automatically stop loving someone who has withdrawn their love from us.

Several months ago, while praying, I heard a very clear message to "Be Still."  I have been working very hard at that, and for the most part have been pretty successful.  However, as more time passes, and as he seems to move closer to me and the family, it seems like it gets harder.

Those words, they bring a certain amount of peace but then we don't see any "progress" and we start to doubt what God tells us.And we know, God's timing is not our timing...we just wish it would hurry up!

My BD was a very long time ago and we have contact with one another. He is mainly the one who initiates, and our relationship is "superficial"...mainly because I don't want to hear about his "life" so our conversations are limited. It still affects me to hear about his life, so I limit any discussion when he brings some things up......the changes in him are still very apparent.

On the other hand, I know a few people  and there are some stories here...that even if they reconnect or return, it still takes time to work through all that has happened.

I  am having a hard time managing expectations and finding my balance.  It seems like as soon as I get a rhythm and find my balance, things shift.

That will get easier with time.

Continue to build a life...we have often said "live as though he is never coming back"....hard to do but not impossible.

My therapist told me that I can choose from one day to another whether I wish to see him or not. That gave me the freedom to realize that I am more in charge of my life than I thought.

You talked about therapy. Initially I saw a therapist that was basically talk therapy where I would discuss every detail of what was happening, what he said, what he did. That was helpful in the early year or so. After time, I realized I was "stuck", and I found a therapist that does mind/body work...specifically dealing with trauma and how it affects our nervous system. Working with her helped me a great deal to become more relaxed, at peace and able to feel joy once more.

I found Rejoice Ministries very helpful in letting go and trusting God's plans for my life and my "prodigal's".

Letting go of timelines is hard...we just want to know, one way or the other, when is this going to be over? Every situation is different. I have and will continue to keep a place for him in my life but that doesn't stop me from living a full and interesting life without him.

[UrsaMajor]

Reconnections (real ones) happen with all the speed of

because the Mid-Lifer has a whole huge pile of FOO Poo to work through first....

[Treasur]

I’d encourage you to try to take his behaviour at current moment face value (eg he is spending more time at home bc he wants to and you are not preventing him ) rather than reading too much more into its significance than that. Partly bc it seems to ebb and flow driven by things that probably are invisible to you rather than being a straight line. Including sadly the fingers of ow in the proverbial life pie. Mostly bc that sense of watching and waiting is rather tiring for you as a way to live.

Your first post said that with hindsight you think this was brewing for a couple of years pre BD, which is common. It would be unusual to see an MLCer come out of it quicker than they unravelled into it at least based on stories here. And there’s a lot of truth imho in the simple adage that if you are still confused, the game is still afoot.

What are you currently hoping for?
What would be an early solid marker of direction towards that for you?
What is your PoV about the issue of time?

[WHY]

Does reconciliation only take place once the MLCer has acknowledged what they did, take full responsibility, show genuine remorse, and work to make things right?

What if they never accept responsibility and continue to blame OW for them leaving?  Isnt this more escape and avoid?

[Happylight]

Does reconciliation only take place once the MLCer has acknowledged what they did, take full responsibility, show genuine remorse, and work to make things right?

What if they never accept responsibility and continue to blame OW for them leaving?  Isnt this more escape and avoid?

I do not believe I am in reconciliation.  I know that reconnection doesn't necessarily = reconciliation.  I do think we are still in escape and avoid.  For me, silence hasn't been broken and we have had no direct discussion about our relationship in over 3 months now.  I think for true reconciliation to happen they have to accept responsibility, but from what I have read, that can take a while to occur. 

[WHY]

Does reconciliation only take place once the MLCer has acknowledged what they did, take full responsibility, show genuine remorse, and work to make things right?

What if they never accept responsibility and continue to blame OW for them leaving?  Isnt this more escape and avoid?

I do not believe I am in reconciliation.  I know that reconnection doesn't necessarily = reconciliation.  I do think we are still in escape and avoid.  For me, silence hasn't been broken and we have had no direct discussion about our relationship in over 3 months now.  I think for true reconciliation to happen they have to accept responsibility, but from what I have read, that can take a while to occur.

How long is a while, in general?

[Happylight]

Mostly bc that sense of watching and waiting is rather tiring for you as a way to live.

Your first post said that with hindsight you think this was brewing for a couple of years pre BD, which is common. It would be unusual to see an MLCer come out of it quicker than they unravelled into it at least based on stories here. And there’s a lot of truth imho in the simple adage that if you are still confused, the game is still afoot.

It is exhausting.  That makes a lot of sense... I know that it isn't over. I just never imagined it would still be this hard over a year out.  I do feel like he is at least around 18 months into reply/emotional regression or escape/avoid. 

What are you currently hoping for?
What would be an early solid marker of direction towards that for you?
What is your PoV about the issue of time?

I mean ideally hoping for reconciliation, but I guess I wish it was more clear to me what direction I should take.  I hope that at some point I will know for sure if it is time to walk away.  I don't know if there is a solid marker or if it will just be something I am more sure of over time?    I am a high anxiety person and tend to try to base all my decisions on research and best practice data otherwise I get frozen.  Learning all I can about a topic is how I've dealt with my anxiety.  I've taken medication periodically in the past, but if I can function without them, I prefer to not be on them.  As for time, I had given myself till at least the end of the school year, and then said I would reassess at that time.  I set this timeline almost a year ago before I really learned about MLC, and it seemed so long at the time.  Now, it seems like that is approaching rather quickly, and I guess it scares me a bit.  I have moved forward with my own growth in so many ways, but I also feel isolated by my stand.  I don't share it because many people wouldn't understand, but I at the same time feel like I am trying to hide something or that I am not living authentically. 
 I am also tired from keeping up with everything on my own--parenting, working, meals, house, etc.  I have always had the mental load, but I lately I feel like--ALL THE THINGS make me want to scream and go on strike-- I have to cook another meal or take out the trash again, or get up and get my younger two up and moving.  My middle did just get her DL, which has helped with some of the load.  I just had to give myself permission to have my oldest son pick up pizza for tonight.

[Happylight]

How long is a while, in general?

I have read that for some people to take full ownership has taken a couple of years, but often they show actions before they show words. 

[UrsaMajor]

How long is a while, in general?

I have read that for some people to take full ownership has taken a couple of years, but often they show actions before they show words.

A "couple of years" is relative..... A couple of years from what starting point?

What does green taste like?

Some here have been reconnecting for several years now (Songanddance, Barbie) and their MLC'ers are still avoiding responsibility. Acorn, on the other hand, has a former MLC'er that has stepped up to the plate and accepted their part in the $#!tshow they created.....

Thinking that, after a certain amount of time, something magic is going to happen is akin to poking yourself in the nose with a Barbecue fork.....

[Happylight]

Well it's been a couple more weeks.  I still feel in general he is moving closer.  Trying to let go of expectations continues to be hard.  I think that rather than letting go--after a while you just become trained to understand a+b does not always equal c.  I find myself more tired even though things haven't been bad. 

This month, In the last 20 days he has spent 12 nights at home and has been at the house I think at 18 days.  The other night he was being very clingy--saying he loved me, that I was amazing, that I was USUALLY RIGHT, beautiful, a high value woman, and on him mind constantly....and I pushed a little.  I got some projection and a little bit of anger, but nothing like previous times, and at some point he even said that in a couple of days we will get over this and be back to how we have been (not together but not apart either), and told me about discussing being married with a younger MC member I have never met.  I asked if MC member knew he was married because I assumed he had just been pretending we were not together anymore when he was out with them/new people, and he said that he did. 

He invited me to go on a ride with him this weekend (Fri-Sun).  This is a ride that the went on with his buddies that I have known for our entire relationship, and it was an annual ride that they have taken for many years, but I was unable to join due to obligations with our children and school.  Also, he didn't go on this ride in the last year.  This time, I have a friend helping with my youngest, and my older two can drive, so I am taking off work on Friday to go.  Taking off work to enjoy life is also growth for me.   I have always felt so much obligation to be "responsible." 

Other things that have happened.  Our D16 totaled her car--not fun.  I called him and he answered (it was Saturday night and I didn't think he would).  After he knew I was handling it and that she was Ok, he still met us at the house and stayed.  In months past, after finding out she was ok, I feel like he would have just let me handle it and checked on her the next day.  He has also told me I can ask for anything I need for the kids and he will change or cancel his plans if he has to--I feel like this is a change in mindset because even pre-crisis I was having to handle many things because of his motorcycle club conflicts. 

Do they sometimes think about returning home, but refuse to admit it to themselves or follow through because of pride?  I feel like often he makes excuses for the reasons he stays--sometimes he admits he wants to see me, but often it is weather, work the next morning, etc.  Even though he now seems to see me in a different light, and he has accepted that there were things that he could have handled differently with the kids in the last couple of years, I don't think that he is really ready to admit or own up to all the lies, mistreatment, and broken promises with us. 

[Happylight]

Journaling...

We went on our weekend ride.  It was interesting for several reasons.  This trip is one that he has taken with his childhood buddies for years.  He used to ride with them before he got involved in MC (motorcycle club which I think has been a big part of replay).  I have never been able to go because our kids were younger and I didn't have anyone that could fill in.  He didn't go on it the last year.  These guys are like family to him.  I thought they knew we were kind of separated.  I never said anything, but I got the feeling that they were not aware.  There were several occasions where it seemed to me that he carefully crafted sentences or made statements to avoid any reference to the fact that he has been living in the RV.  I also observed certain things about his behavior and desire for approval and recognition that I had never noticed before --I think it was there, I just never recognized it as such.  Since he has never taken me on this trip before, he could have easily gone without me this time.  So, I think it was a positive. 

At this point, he has chosen to spend 16 out of 24 nights this month with me, and as been by the house and spent time there pretty much every day of those 24. 

I am also starting to learn more about God's message to me to --"BE STILL."  Originally, I had taken it as not pushing or trying to make something happen, but to learn to wait.  Recently I have realized that sometimes, it means not responding, reacting, or arguing my points.  I have realized that sometimes, when I don't say anything in reaction to unreasonable statements or decisions, he rethinks and will come back with something that makes more sense, but if I argue, it makes him dig his heels in. 

I do believe that he has been a high energy replayer --he engaged in high energy replay activity for well over a year (about 17-18 months).  I think he is still in replay, but it seems to be less high energy.  Does replay "wind down" gradually?  From what I have read, it seems like it is a downhill slope toward depression.  An analogy that I could make, it seems like it can be a swing slowing down--it keeps going but loses altitude over time and will eventually stop. 

[Happylight]

Some here have been reconnecting for several years now (Songanddance, Barbie) and their MLC'ers are still avoiding responsibility. Acorn, on the other hand, has a former MLC'er that has stepped up to the plate and accepted their part in the $#!tshow they created.....

Thinking that, after a certain amount of time, something magic is going to happen is akin to poking yourself in the nose with a Barbecue fork.....

Last weekend we went on a trip for the weekend, and it went pretty well.  I have the feeling that his oldest friends in the world don't have any idea of the magnitude of the upheaval that has gone on between us.  That at least tells me that he isn't sure enough of anything to make it solid by sharing with people that matter. 

He definitely seems to be spending more and more time at home.  He works from there as many days as he can (when he goes into the office, he doesn't actually work with people in person so he might as well work from home), and has spent the night there 10 days out of the last 14.  Two days ago he made the kids take out all the trash (while I was out walking) after I mentioned it was trash day, yesterday he did all of his laundry and put it away (most of his clothes have been at the house the whole time), and he unloaded and loaded the dishwasher and cleaned up kitchen --again while I was out walking.  These are not big things, but definitely positive signs since he has little to none of these things for well over a year now. 

He has admitted that he handled some things with our kids poorly in the past (when he was in the anger stage he was very reactive and argumentative with teenagers as well).  Issues that we fought about in the past where he angered me or was derogatory in some way (and I let him know), have been rephrased or handled differently when they come up again Example:  Discussing the concept of being a stay at home mom--I'm a teacher and we never even discussed me staying at home, but at one point (our youngest was already 10) when discussing he made me sound like he believed I was negligent and selfish because I had worked --I said that was unfair because I didn't decide that all on my own and we had never discussed it, but when this came up recently he front loaded by saying that we decided that I would work, but if he could do it again he thinks he would try to see if we could work that out. 


  We are 18 months from first bomb drop that I suspect was the beginning of replay, (he said he wanted a divorce and was really mean, but within a couple of hours was begging and pleading for forgiveness and said he didn't know what was wrong with him), but he was engaging in replay behaviors by then.  The bomb drop that truly clued me in to what was really going on was only 14 months ago.  I suspect he might be at the end of replay and kind of swinging back and forth between replay and depression/liminality. 
In reading Hearts Blessings materials, she said that MLCers will sometimes sneak home, where they just gradually return.  I get the feeling that he is not ready for discussions at this point.  However, I am thinking that if we do continue down this path, we have to have a conversation at some point.  I know that several others have been in reconnection for a while.  Do I wait to see if he will come to me? 

Advice or insight appreciated! 

[FrenchHusband]

In reading Hearts Blessings materials, she said that MLCers will sometimes sneak home, where they just gradually return.  I get the feeling that he is not ready for discussions at this point.  However, I am thinking that if we do continue down this path, we have to have a conversation at some point.  I know that several others have been in reconnection for a while.  Do I wait to see if he will come to me? 

Advice or insight appreciated!

Hi Happylight,

you seem to be doing well : well done ! And you have seen that when you "ARE STILL", you husband is moving in the right direction. And well, to be true, at a slower pace than you may wish ? (see snail/turtle drawing)
Even if I am no expert in reconnection phase, I understand your need/want of THE CONVERSATION. I often have also the temptation to engage it, then I remember that doing nothing is sometimes the best way of action. You write it yourself : I get the feeling that he is not ready for discussions at this point.. I guess you can trust your feeling.

[Songanddance]

We are 18 months from first bomb drop that I suspect was the beginning of replay, (he said he wanted a divorce and was really mean, but within a couple of hours was begging and pleading for forgiveness and said he didn't know what was wrong with him), but he was engaging in replay behaviors by then.  The bomb drop that truly clued me in to what was really going on was only 14 months ago.  I suspect he might be at the end of replay and kind of swinging back and forth between replay and depression/liminality.

  I get the feeling that he is not ready for discussions at this point.  However, I am thinking that if we do continue down this path, we have to have a conversation at some point.

Be careful of stage watching.  Reconnection will happen very slowly and the spouse will be the last person to reconnect with.

Correct  - there is no point having any kind of discussions yet for quite a while and if there are to be any they need to be organic and "spontaneous".   You cannot say to an MLCer in early stages of reconnection " We need to talk". 

Just be still and let it be......

[MadLuv]

For what it’s worth, If I could do it all over again? I would have exited door left and allowed my now XH to just live the life completely how he thought he wanted. Conversations and savior thinking just can’t help the situation. They need time to clear their warped thinking and see it all more clearly. For the LBS however it is so hard to do.

[Happylight]

For what it’s worth, If I could do it all over again? I would have exited door left and allowed my now XH to just live the life completely how he thought he wanted. Conversations and savior thinking just can’t help the situation. They need time to clear their warped thinking and see it all more clearly. For the LBS however it is so hard to do.

It is so very hard to do--especially when they are in and out!   I started tracking since I think he has been increasing--he spent 11 nights away from the house in March, and I think there was only one day we didn't see him at all.  He was at the house from Tuesday -Saturday morning this last week. I was preparing myself because I could tell he was getting stressed by week end.  He left Saturday afternoon and I have only heard from him on a few limited things--he did respond immediately when I sent text regarding our daughter's softball schedule this week.  Nothing about this is fair, and the fact is, ending my stand isn't going to fix the fact that I still have to continue to be the defacto parent in the house. 

This Sunday at church was the story of the prodigal son.  I have heard many lessons on this through the years.  I saw and heard it in a different light this weekend.  One aspect was a line about the son--"When he returned to himself,"  (I am not sure what translation it is), but I was like--Was he having an MLC?  The other thing that stood out me was a part about the father covering the son's shame, which he did by welcoming him back, giving him clothing and sandals.  We are called to be like the father, but often as the standing spouse, we feel like the other son.  The one who stayed and did the right thing and become angry because they feel they aren't recognized.  I am trying to hold on to this now. 

It is odd some of the changes I am seeing that I didn't notice earlier.  His music choices seem to be returning back....he used to be a classic rock guy and he changed over to outlaw country slowly over time before the bomb drop....I am now hearing classic rock again frequently.  He switched his preferred drink from Whiskey to tequila a few months prior to bomb drop, and now has switched back.  He always wore white undershirts and switched to black undershirts and now has switched back to white (the imagery of the old white hat cowboys vs blackhat cowboys comes to mind here).  These are small things, but it is so crazy to see these things happening.  I am hoping the switch back is a good sign. 

[MadLuv]

You will find with time so many things yourself more clearly. We are so focused on them and what they are doing for so long and when they are in the picture it is hard to disconnect and see things only from Your view.  My XH hated country music and was all of a sudden buying country for his ipod on itunes. I found an email list of songs from his unreciprocated OW3 and that explained that.

After the divorce when I was transferring music for him I asked if there was anything I didn’t need to transfer over.  He said, you can get rid of all the country. 😂🤣  Also, once I discovered OWife he said, she just lets me be. Well, he was buying nair by the buckets with rubber gloves and scrubbies. D33 told me, OWife said she will not deal with any man hair. It all has to go!! Well, XH body is a bear. Buckets of nair make sense now. So much for being accepted as is 😂🤣

They just do the craziest things and their logic is insanity. It is hard to watch and hard not to point out . Its all a train wreck you desperately want to watn them of, but they are standing in front of the train on the track and they cant hear you. So, you can’t save them.

[Happylight]

Another night at home. I have noticed that he starts to seem overwhelmed and struggles to deal with some of the chaos that the kids cause, but seems to be aware of it and try to contain it.   That is stressful for me because 1)I HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT ALL THE TIME (and don't get to runaway 2) I try to mitigate their chaos to make things less stressful because I want him to be there for the kids 3) I fear negative emotions just make him want to leave (which I do know isn't my problem).   My stand has little impact on the parenting. If I end my stand, it won't change this part of my role.  I also have made every effort to reduce impact of this on my kids. 

He lived at home for 3 months after bomb drop because there was not any availability at the RV park.  After he moved out (11 months ago) He was never a vanisher, but There were months where we didn't see him for several days at a time and he didn't spend the night at home for several months.  It first started with a night every now and then.  Then maybe once or twice a week.  He now seems to be averaging being home every day and spending the night 2 out of 3 nights on average. 

All my life I have been an avid reader.  I loved to read.  Since crisis started, I cannot seem to get into reading anymore.  It is really sad to me, and I don't understand why.  I have listened to a few audio books, but most have been self-help style books.  Has anybody else experienced this?  I have several new hobbies, learning piano, crochet, plus I have been cooking from scratch more, working out daily, and doing bible reflection on a daily basis.  I just really wish I could find my love for reading again.  I pick books up and nothing seems to catch me like it used to, and when I do read I find myself forcing to finish instead of tearing through books in a day or two. 

[zartheit]

All my life I have been an avid reader.  I loved to read.  Since crisis started, I cannot seem to get into reading anymore.  It is really sad to me, and I don't understand why.  I have listened to a few audio books, but most have been self-help style books.  Has anybody else experienced this?  I have several new hobbies, learning piano, crochet, plus I have been cooking from scratch more, working out daily, and doing bible reflection on a daily basis.  I just really wish I could find my love for reading again.  I pick books up and nothing seems to catch me like it used to, and when I do read I find myself forcing to finish instead of tearing through books in a day or two. 

I couldn't read for quite a long time. My own understanding is that the same "space" where I would read is where I would experience anxiety. The anxiety was much more charismatic and sucked up all the oxygen leaving little room for anything particularly "intellectual". I picked up more hands-on hobbies like hiking and working out.

In my case, I let the books pile up. I stopped trying. I gave up control. I had the thought that forcing myself was a type of self-inflicted violence "for my own good". I decided to trust that I knew what was truly for my own good and listen to that part of me that was protesting. I would still order ones that sounded interesting but wouldn't even bother to open them. Slowly (UNBEARABLY slowly), eventually, the joy and curiosity returned. I'm now back to my normal reading habit, though a little bit more judicious and exotic. I drop books left and right these days, whereas before I would always finish them. I still have that book pile, but the elements have all turned over. Like life, nothing really ends you just flow through it.

[KayDee]

I couldn't really focus on books for a while and I too am an avid reader. I did keep reading (slowly) and I went for short stories, or books with simplicity e.g. I read Christ Stopped at Eboli, The Salt Path, among others. Both are about paring life right back to basics, and are also very beautiful. For me in the wake of BD, my mind was racing around - I think that is a symptom of the trauma,  being sort of hyper alert. So the slowness of these books was great. A lot of great literature involves us entering imaginatively into another world or context though and it's hard to do this when we are utterly consumed with what has recently happened. When we are trying to makes sense of our own immediate world. Anyway, try not to worry, this joy, and many others, will come back.

[UrsaMajor]

After the Atomic BD, I was in the middle of a launch campaign for a satellite and up to my ears in documentation. Reading the excruciatingly detailed technical stuff was OK for me (that Hyper-focus KayDee mentioned) because it gave me a very specific focus to work on but, other than that, I couldn't even read a newspaper.... I'd forget what article I was reading if I had to go to Page 3. I tried to continue reading one of the "for fun" books I had started before ABD and could NOT follow the story line more than a page....

[titleholder]

I agree with everybody here! I'm also a massive reader and 2 years post BD I'm getting back into it slowly.. But it still takes me a lot of willpower to turn to a book instead of devices or TV.

[MadLuv]

I could read all about MLC and related topics with no issues, but couldn’t handle TV shows at all and was a lover of crafts and I could not do anything creative at all. It took 2 years before I could. For me, my brain was just so overwhelmed with the tragedy and confusion of it all. Just the basic “ I can’t even think straight” so wasn’t capable of anything normal for a while.

[Happylight]

I could read all about MLC and related topics with no issues, but couldn’t handle TV shows at all and was a lover of crafts and I could not do anything creative at all. It took 2 years before I could. For me, my brain was just so overwhelmed with the tragedy and confusion of it all. Just the basic “ I can’t even think straight” so wasn’t capable of anything normal for a while.

I do think part of my problem is the brain overload--both piano and crochet are new skills for me, but I can't push too hard on the learning.  I easily become frustrated when it is challenging.  I am learning, but taking it slowly.  I try to work on those things for like 10 minutes a day at least.  Maybe I need to rebuild my reading capacity also. 


More time spent at home. Like I've shared before, its hard when he's there so much.  He is at the house so much, and it is hard to say exactly what is changed, but when you've been around somebody for so long, you can pick up on a lot of changes in person even if you can't always put a finger on exactly what it is.  He seems much less angry than he was, and also less manic.  He isn't working out anymore (which he actually has worked out regularly pretty much our entire relationship).  He is spending a lot of time at the house scrolling on his phone, playing video games, or he will ask if I want to watch TV.  Spends lots of time there, but then will be gone for a night or two, and sometimes comes to the house and works from home in between.  He's sleeping a lot--like 9-10 hours a night and then will still take a nap.

A couple of things have happened.  One, there were pretty big layoffs at his work.  He kind of expressed to that it was stressful because people he had worked with for a long time got laid off.  I also, had a mishap with weights while I was working out and ended up with a bruise on my face (honestly I'm lucky that it's only a small bruise).  He has expressed concern that people are going to think he hit me-only like 10 people in my life have any idea what is going on with us.  He even texted me and asked if anybody asked me about it.  I think its really interesting because although it hasn't been physical abuse, I feel like what he has put me through has been worse.  What if everything he has done left a mark that showed on the outside?

I know that not everybody understands or supports standing for your marriage. From what I understand, many who are abused feel ashamed. I know that none of it is my fault, but I won't share what I am going through because many will make me feel ashamed for standing and not leaving.  I am not going to judge others for divorcing, but in my mind, when you say "For better or worse," people don't really mean it.  They mean for better or not so good, but they don't truly have any idea what "worse" can actually look like.   

[Reinventing]

Happylight,

Two things you said resonated with me

What if everything he has done left a mark that showed on the outside?

I thought about this too and was so thankful that people couldn't see the damage from the outside. At least people who didn't know me couldn't tell (unless I was crying). I can see how some may find healing in expressing this in art or something like that. I had the image in my mind of him taking a flame thrower to me psychologically.

This also allowed me to have a tiny inkling of what people who are physically damaged by someone else have to go through since that damage is both visible and invisible. I can't even begin to imagine the pain of seeing and having such a reminder of the abuse with a physical manifestation. The Boston Marathon bombings happened during the early stages and my mind couldn't even comprehend being a runner and surviving the damage from that. I still can't imagine.

I know that not everybody understands or supports standing for your marriage.

Yes, I used to think, "throw them to the curb" when hearing about infidelity. I understand it is complicated and don't judge people for standing or divorce. I do advocate for LBS healing as paramount either way.

This is so hard, any way we look at it.

[OffRoad]

I could read all about MLC and related topics with no issues, but couldn’t handle TV shows at all and was a lover of crafts and I could not do anything creative at all. It took 2 years before I could. For me, my brain was just so overwhelmed with the tragedy and confusion of it all. Just the basic “ I can’t even think straight” so wasn’t capable of anything normal for a while.

I so wish there was a "Yeah, that^^^^" button. I also could read anything mlc, but a book? Nope. Short story even, nope. Creative, nope. Brain was stuck between overdrive (what happened, how to deal with it, getting a job, taking care of kids, etc) and exhaustion.  I didn't dream for many years that I could remember.

As to what other people say to you, they aren't living your life. You have to process this in your own way. People here will give you suggestions based on their own experience and a lot of us started out standing, then something happened to change that.  Some are still standing after years and years. The only thing most everyone here will tell you is to make sure you take care of yourself. You didn't cause this, you can't fix it. You can't nice him back. I had an 18 month live in and I stood until. My until was when he filed for divorce. At that point, for me, that marriage was done. If he ever came back, it'd be a different relationship. Everyone's mileage will vary. But mine started coming home late and leaving the front door unlocked or even open. That was a no go for me as I had children in the house so I told him home by midnight or the extra lock goes on. I was not putting our lives in danger. He only missed that one time because I locked him out, so he never missed "curfew " again. He could be as angry as he wanted, our safety came first.

But I sure got tired of people saying I should be "over it by now" whenever that now was. Sorry, Bucko, you don't get to tell me when I'm over it. Each of us gets to choose how we move forward with our life, and you can change your mind weekly, daily, hourly if you want.

Live ins are very hard. I joined meetups (coloring, ghost hunting and driving off road) because they didn't take any true brain processing power, but did take me away from reality for a short time. Just a suggestion.

[Happylight]

Live ins are very hard. I joined meetups (coloring, ghost hunting and driving off road) because they didn't take any true brain processing power, but did take me away from reality for a short time. Just a suggestion.

I don't have a true live in.  He stayed for almost 3.5 months after bomb drop (I think he was waiting for a spot at the RV park to open up), then he didn't spend a night at the house for 4 months after he moved out (maybe once randomly), but then in September of 23 started spending a night or two a week.  The last two months he has spent around 4 nights a week at home, and comes over almost every day even when he doesn't stay.  As much as I hated when he was gone full time, it has been a different challenge for me to find my equilibrium with the back and forth.  Its hard on me, but he sees the kids more, and he is treating me well.  I have also noticed, that if somebody tells him or asks him to stay or come over when he is gone, he will usually use the excuse to come over--for example, my son asked him if he could move his motorcycle in the garage on a Saturday, so he ended up coming over and spending the night.  It's really frustrating because I keep thinking, well maybe he will just stay, and then he leaves again....

[UrsaMajor]

I have also noticed, that if somebody tells him or asks him to stay or come over when he is gone, he will usually use the excuse to come over--for example, my son asked him if he could move his motorcycle in the garage on a Saturday, so he ended up coming over and spending the night.  It's really frustrating because I keep thinking, well maybe he will just stay, and then he leaves again....

This is why face-huggers (see below) aka Clinging Boomrangs

can be so hard on our mental health and equilibrium..... Those pesky anticipations/expectations keep popping up..... and then we end up disappointed when things don't pan out. This is where it is so crucial (and so freaking difficult) to NOT have any expectations....