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« Latest by Treasur on May 11, 2024, 11:07:30 PM »
First of all, Happy Mother’s Day! The kind of mum you are - and we can see by your long list as well as by your choices now - is the kind of mum you are. Well worth celebrating. And it isn’t caused by what your h does and won’t be changed by what he does in future either. Hurrah for you and your two small humans!
I am one of those who perhaps wish you were not choosing to knuckle through the next few weeks as you are but I respect your choice to do so for your own reasons. So, on the issue of figuring out how to do so the best you can? My sense is that you need to make him smaller in your mind. He IS behaving like a teenager, mood swings and all, and one doesn’t let a teenager define one’s value. Or indeed run the show. So, next time, don’t ask the question unless you are value the BS answer. In fact, probably don’t agree to watch a show either unless you were planning on doing so anyway. Just do you, and let him look after his own entertainment.
Like teenagers, MLCers seem to be big fans of what another site calls ‘b!tc# cookies’, wanting a parade for 10 minutes of washing up. And false equivalences…..oh my god, you left a book on the floor so of course I was entitled to have an affair/leave you/rant at you. Adults know better. And what I find encouraging in your post is that you know how out of kilter his evaluation of your behaviour vs his own is, that’s accurate, so keep reminding yourself of that. Are you perfect? Well, no, me neither…..but I don’t remember that being in the wedding vows even in hidden ink lol. And if it were, by the same standard, your h (and mine) would have failed spectacularly.
Why do they do that? My best guess is pretty close to yours. To justify their own awful behaviour. To lash out when they feel uncomfortable. And, more concerning wrt to their mental state perhaps, unconsciously maybe, they feel entitled to an easy rosy life and see us as at least partly responsible for making it so. Or not. That’s a big flaw in an adult human and makes them at best almost parasitic…at worse, well, what you’ve got in front of you. That won’t change by him just replacing one source with another, but that kind of insight will be his to figure out as his perfect magic happy - and then increasingly not entirely perfect magic happy bc that’s how life is - unfolds. I imagine some folks gain insight from that and some just don’t. Not yours to fix and time will tell how that works out for your stbxh.
And, as I hope you can see, it has nothing at all to do with you. Or the Moscow Mule either. Neither of you are God, capable of making your h’s life endlessly perfect and easy. (Tbh I’m not sure even God sees that as his job either lol) Its about what and who your h has allowed himself to become. It won’t change until or unless he decides to do the really quite hard work involved in changing it. Your job - and mine, and most folks here - becomes more about why we tolerated what we did and how our BS boundaries evolve in light of our experience imho.
So, in summary, imho you do the next few weeks by doing much more you and much less him. Listen to him less. Pay him less attention. Share less of yourself. Care about his moods less. Say No more without explanation or justification. Walk away more. Shrug more. Superficial ‘cool, bummer, wow’ type responses like you do with a teenager. And not your teenager so you release yourself from inadvertent parenting too - more like the irritating teenage child of a neighbour over at your house for a play date. You may overhear them saying that you are fat or your couch is ugly, but, other than thinking what poor manners they have, ypu don’t actually care what they think about your bum or your couch. They live in Teenage World and you don’t. Which you are probably grateful for lol.
There’s a discussion on another thread about labels and taking responsibility for one’s own LBS contributions - whatever they might seem - to the situation one finds oneself in. Imho, this kind of reflection is valid but, like dining with the devil, needs a rather long spoon in the first couple of LBS years. Bc we are dealing with disordered not very adult folks who have a vested interest in holding us responsible for everything and themselves responsible for sod all. It is not so easy to see the honest wood for the trees of one’s own imperfections in that kind of situation. And it can be an easy lever of manipulation when we are vulnerable. Hard to do fairly when one is on the metaphorical battlefield of dealing with people whose intent towards you is not good or fair minded.
So, imho, take the same attitude towards your imperfections - and mine too, and other LBS here - as you do towards your kids’ imperfections. Use the same kind of kind generous eye on yourself as you do with them, the eye that wants them to do better where they can, celebrates their successes and enjoys all those little things that make them absolutely unique and wonderful…..but does not expect them to be perfect (even if they are perfect to you).
But imho again it is unwise to use an overly generous eye on anyone whose behaviour shows bad intent or a lack of reciprocity….as my gran would say, you don’t have to be so kind that your brains fall out lol. So, unless reading here you think that all the other LBS are terrible people who were obviously abusive, mean, dreadful spouses - bc each of us could probably roll out a long list of awful ‘crimes’ we committed according to our spouses - please don’t judge yourself based on his list with any less fairness and kindness than you would judge us! In life generally, one really does need to consider the source in evaluating the information, right?
I hope you have a lovely day with your kids and that your h fades into the wallpaper of your day x
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