[OffRoad]

So, I got to a point where I just did all the divorce work myself. I had the advantage of having worked for a divorce attorney for 3 years, but in my case he didn't want to spend a small fortune either. I laid it all out on a spreadsheet, said you take this and I'll take that and it's about even and he agreed. I made him file first and I responded. Hardest part was getting his financials because he thought he was hiding money from me, but I knew it was there and preemptively  balanced the other bank accounts and he either didn't notice or was OK with it. Since mine spent 20000+ in one month, I wanted the finances settled. I was more than fair.

My advice? Don't wait. Get your financials settled and make her have to pay her attorney from her share. If your attorney is decent, they will do their best to speed up what they can. If you are ready for it, sometimes it's good to be done.

[Hopeful5]

This continues to drag on.... It's been over 2 months since W paid a retainer to a D attorney. W won't speak to me at all (she hasn't for months). She literally acts like I don't exist, ignoring me completely, all in front of the kids. In fact, we had to ride in the same car to one of our kids events, and she demanded to ride in the back seat, LOL. This just keeps getting stranger and stranger. 

We need to have some urgent discussions around financial budgeting, and she wont even answer any of my emails or texts to her (remember, she won't speak to me). So, I'm left to attempt budgeting alone, which is impossible, since she's the one who spends all the money on kids stuff, groceries, etc.

My guess - I think she had an inflated idea of what she'd be able to get out of a divorce (money and custody), and her lawyer bursted that bubble.  I think she's left in a pit of having ruined a relationship with her H and oldest S, and knowing that her life will not be as cushy as she thought post D. I think she's seriously stuck. It's so, so, sad.

The only way out for her is to either "repent" and repair relationships (which she's much too prideful to do), or to move forward with a D and damage her relationships even further, and rebuild her life alone, which will be very tough.

This is some very strange liminal space I'm living in right now my friends.

[Hopeful5]

My reasons for not initiating a divorce are 3 things.

1 - I love my W. I believe in long suffering, and the commitment I made in marriage. What if several months or years after a D she comes back around? Unlikely I know...
2 - I've said over and over to my kids that I don't believe in divorce. I think they'd hate me and lose respect for me if I was the one that initiated it.
3 - I have some serious religious and moral beliefs around divorce. The whole Idea of it is a complete moral and spiritual failure in my mind...

But, on the other side, my W has said clearly that she's done, and she doesn't love me. And she backs it all up with treating my like dog sh%$ every day in front of our kids. On top of it, we have some serious business and financial issues that she's completely uncooperative with and leaving me to try to resolve them all alone without any help or input by her... 

This is seriously the toughest spot I've ever been in... 

[Hopeful5]

I know I keep ranting here, I'm sorry. It's been awhile since I've posted and I just need to blow off some steam as I wait forever for my W to file her inevitable D.

One part of this whole thing that's really coming to the forefront...  My W and I have always been in business together. for over 20 years we've built and ran business together. She has the good ideas, and I build the business. We've been around each other 24/7 since the time we've met,  (along with our kids who've been homeschooled).  We used to always joke about how we each have half a brain and together we make a complete brain of 1 person.  There's probably some codependency involved in each of us. Whatever...

So, the inevitable D means I'll be on my own in so many ways. D will most likely mean the sale of our business, which needs to be sold regardless. The fact is, being on my own, and starting over in my late 40's is extra scary.  I may need to get a "job" (??). I've actually applied to over 80 positions with no interviews. Come to find out, being a business owner doesn't translate well to the job market.

If the settlement from a D is decent, I might be able to start a new biz on my own or with another partner. But sheesh, it's not only the relationship disaster, there's an entire career + life start over ahead.  I built my entire life around this woman - career and all. Stupid, stupid, stupid...

[Reinventing]

Hopeful5,

That is tough to have someone you depended on as a spouse, parent and business partner to go through MLC.

I hope that you can take actions protect your finances while she prolongs the D.

Perhaps you know someone who can help you frame your skills from the business into job applications? With the job market right now, you should be able to find something to stabilize you as you figure out next steps.

[UrsaMajor]

I think that a reframing of things might be in order... .

Business Owner means:

• Management Skills
• Organizational Skills
• Depending on the  business (employees?) means HR skills
• Advertising and Marketing Skills (businesses don't just grow by themselves)
• Financial (read GAAP) skills and experience

[AlvinTheMaker]

I built my entire life around this woman - career and all. Stupid, stupid, stupid...

If it is of any comfort, you are not the first or the last. We all live and learn.

Re, job applications.... You might want to check out JobScan website. It is highly efficient tool in making your resume match with job listings you are applying.

Alvin

[gman242]

It seems like MLC's coming from a traumatic childhood is a common theme around here.  I know its a huge part of my W's issues.  I'm wondering if there are any MLC'ers who haven't had traumatic childhoods?

My xH didn’t have a traumatic childhood. I don’t think it’s the only precursor to MLC, but yes it is a common denominator.

But the end result is the same, usually, in that the person is living as life they aren't totally happy with. They're suppressing themselves, needs and desires for survival, as those are with traumatic childhoods, or maybe your husband felt he did what he was "supposed to" and got a wife and family when he really wanted to be a sea captain or maybe he sacrificed himself to work long hours, not having had time for his own hobbies and interests. I'm only speculating as I don't know you're story.

Something breaks and they've had enough. Maybe it's age or something traumatic that happens that causes the "break". It's different for for everyone.

[KayDee]

But the end result is the same, usually, in that the person is living as life they aren't totally happy with. They're suppressing themselves, needs and desires for survival, as those are with traumatic childhoods, or maybe your husband felt he did what he was "supposed to" and got a wife and family when he really wanted to be a sea captain or maybe he sacrificed himself to work long hours, not having had time for his own hobbies and interests. I'm only speculating as I don't know you're story.

I would make the distinction here that it is more likely they might perceive a sacrifice. And this perception is part and parcel of whole bunch of issue that bubble up and blow the lid off -  'why am I unhappy?' 'Let's look for a reason'. And this is just one possibility for a scenario that caused such a destructive break. For instance, my H was not doing what he was 'supposed to do', he'd actually just reached a really golden spot in his life with the job, the work life balance, place to live etc etc that he'd always wanted. But at the same time, his FOO flotsam and jetsam were washing back up on the beach (he had all the triggers) and he could no longer cope with the normal stressors. So he ran.

I think it is important to say this, because the above scenario, perhaps unintentionally, makes it sound like our spouses were living a lie with us, that they showed up in the marriage everyday because they were supposed to. I personally don't think that is possible for 10, 20 plus years. And it's important for us to know that, otherwise, it makes it look like we dragged them around like virtual slaves.

Something breaks and they've had enough. Maybe it's age or something traumatic that happens that causes the "break". It's different for for everyone.

Just a note to say, trauma and traumatic childhoods are not always obvious. A lot of trauma can be psychological, like emotional neglect, bullying, coercive control. CPTSD can start pre-language. It's not always visible.

[gman242]

I wasn't saying that the relationship, love or any of it wasn't real. And you're right, all of this comes from unhealed trauma and to cope with it, the common theme is they tend to strive for perfectionism and to appear like they have it all together.

I wasn't trying to make it sound like everything (their lives and everything in it) is a lie, but it is a deception, a mask that covers the unhappiness, the unresolved issues and it's like you were saying, it runs under the surface. That's all I was referring to.

 And you're right too, the stress of keeping on the mask can be too much at some point and that can be all it takes. Or something else may happen too and it becomes the straw that broke the camels back.