All one can do is change one’s own lens on it, and therefore one’s own responses to how it is.
There's a lot to think about here. My lens is changing, albeit slowly. My priest / spiritual advisor lifted a weight off of my shoulders by saying, "Its not a question of whether or not the decision to D is RIGHT or WRONG, its about how you choose to go through it that matters. Either way, approach the situation with sincere humility, forgiveness & prayer and you'll have a clear conscience & God's blessing on whatever you do." This was huge for me, as I've been stuck on the issue of right vs wrong. And yes, my marriage commitment was a serious one that I never,
ever intended to break. D has always been a gigantic whopper of a spiritual failure in my mind, and to have my lens changed in regards to this is HUGE. I do realize that I'm not the one who took a flamethrower (as you so well put it) to our marriage and burnt it to the ground. At this point, a D would just be a formal acknowledgement of what IS, and moving on from there.
Yes the issue with the kids is huge. I've always told them that I don't believe in D, that I believe that marriage is unto death, and that I have no intention to D. I know they're counting on me to "stand strong", and I feel that if I initiate a D, all of their trust in me will be shattered. I think they're hoping that eventually things will change.
They've sort of settled into this crappy emotional swamp we're all living in. They seem to have a false sense of security since we're not talking or arguing anymore. But, at some point, a D will be happening (via her or me), unless there's real change on her end. There's a lot to weigh out in regards to living in the same household vs D. Financially, emotionally, quality of life, etc.. It will upend a lot of what they know - The property we live on, our living custody arrangements, very possibly homeschool as my W will NEED to get a job regardless of spousal support. That's a lot for a kid to stomach at once.
I
so don't want to be the one to initiate this. But, the only positive that I can see coming out of me initiating a D, is them seeing me stand up for what's right and no longer accept this as an acceptable way to live and treat someone.
Yes I have consulted a lawyer. It was just a short 1.5 hr consultation to get his initial take on things. I'm not ready to plop down the whole retainer yet as everything is in standstill. But given our financial situation, I may need to take the additional step.
I would also highlight that divorce is definitely not a fix-all solution. You just swap some old issues to all new issues, and still get to keep many of the old ones. For example refusing to communicate or engage in meaningful conversations about the kids is in my list too, and I'm divorced and years ahead of you. The fact you share a family with kids (and in the future grandchildren) means that for many issues "getting out fully" is just not an realistic option.
Possibly the best advice I can give is focus even more tightly on you: your wellbeing and improving things you control directly. Instead of big and fast changes (like hoping all the abuse to stop now), go slow and smaller scale. As sad as it is, most of the problems the average LBS with kids gets require years and years of gradual progress to turn $h!tee into gold.
Yes, I'm seeing this as a reality also. I'm realizing that her behavior will most likely be a thorn in my flesh for many, many years, regardless of a D.
Right now we are in a very scary financial position, and she's not helping at all. It's all been put on me to figure out without her communication on anything.
The best thing I can do for ME and my kids right now is streamline our business so it runs almost entirely without me (which is possible), and get a job, which I've been working on for quite awhile now. Then the financial issues will become much more healthy, and I can start to build a life thats independent from her.
I am beginning to work towards total detachment and building a life of my own. Spiritually I've changed course, in a way that's much more aligned to my true beliefs and values. This has been the most meaningful spiritual decision of my life by far. In terms of work/career, I'm workin on it, but thats a tough one as my entire career was in partnership with her. And my previous experience as a "founder / business owner", doesn't translate well into the job market. Also, crawling out from the heap of rubble in my soul caused by all the emotional abuse and turmoil is no easy task, and makes mustering up the confidence and everything else needed to hunt for and get a job much more challenging. But, we're getting there, step-by-step.