Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses

Archives => Story Threads 2021 => Topic started by: Finding Joy on October 30, 2020, 07:15:54 AM

Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on October 30, 2020, 07:15:54 AM
To catch you up, basically my h wants to get back together.  I talk about my feelings in the last thread in the last few pages.  This happened last night over dinner.  I’m unsure what I want or what I feel.

He says he wants me to accept him as he is, he wants me to work.  He mentioned he had not known who he was and had low self worth.  He says now he knows more what he wants and who he is.  He was humble, he did ask what I wanted from him.  We did joke around and hang out.

There was no touching, not even a goodbye hug.  No talk of feelings. No apology.  Though he spoke of how he never knew what he wanted before so that’s why he never gave an opinion.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11460.0
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: 9393roo on October 30, 2020, 07:40:40 AM
Quote
It’s hard to chose someone that didn’t chose you and put you through so much heartache.  I think it would help if he came back talking love and how he can’t stop thinking of me.  But instead it’s, conditions of a return.  Much more business.  Which does make sense because I know they cannot deal with feelings as well.

This right here in a nutshell is what I have experienced.  The business attitude of “I want my marriage but I’m not going to feel anything because feelings are messy”.   Be prepared for him not to be able to talk about his feelings until he is ready.   This has been very hard for me.  I’ve told him sometimes he acts like a robot.  He used to be very emotional and very loving, it’s not there anymore.  I do see glimpses of it but it goes away.

The only way I know how to keep going is to have a plan B ready to go.  No expectations of a full return, no expectations of a complete marriage.  You have a difficult situation because you have 4 kids at home.  My 4 are grown so it’s just about me now. 

Figure out what your boundaries are for him to return.  Make them clear and stick to them.  What do you want from a new marriage?  What do you need from him?  I’m slowly letting my H know what will and will not fly with me anymore.  He’s slowly coming around.  We both are making some compromises.  Every once in awhile I see flashes of the old him.  I know he’s there, he can’t be a robot forever! 
Take care of yourself, take care of your kids.  Two of the most important things in your life right now.  He has work to do and he will only do it at his own pace not yours (big lesson I had to learn)

Hugs.....Roo
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on October 30, 2020, 07:53:01 AM
Roo,

Thank you for letting me know!
How long have you been reconnecting?  Does he ever say I love you? 
My fear is what if I chose him and we have a loveless marriage.  I wouldn’t want to hurt my kids by me leaving later.  It’s sort of now or never.  So he still keeps things very business even now?  Do you feel loved at times?  This is the gift that keeps on giving.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: barbiedoll on October 30, 2020, 07:57:38 AM
Thanks for sharing Finding Joy ....following along.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: 9393roo on October 30, 2020, 08:06:54 AM
In hindsight I think I have been in and out of connection for 2 years BD was 4 years ago.  My H is a clinger and at times professes his love for me and then goes and does something stupid.  It’s odd because 8 months ago he went back into the tunnel and stopped professing his love.  It was very difficult for me.  But in hindsight I realize that he had/has work to do in himself and by him not being so clingy I have been able to move forward with myself.  I don’t think I would have been able to make all of my changes with him here clinging to me. 

He comes and goes with affection, I guess so do I.  Sometimes he will go a week with out talking and sometimes he won’t stop.  I’ve been learning to detach and reattach often.  I’ve worked in having no expectations and kept on living my life with the attitude that I would be fine with or without him. 

None of this MLC is linear, it varies from person to person.  I know my H wants our marriage, I hope that he can do the work he needs to do to be an equal partner.  Standing back and letting him show this the way he knows how is my only option now. 

No expectations is the big key.  Letting him know how far he can come towards you and what boundaries you have.  That’s great that he has told you what he wants, now he needs to listen to what you want. Maybe a compromise can be found?  It does seem to be all about him still.  Know that he is far from cooked but he seems to be trying to keep you in place.  It’s hard.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on October 30, 2020, 08:46:18 AM
Hello,

First of all, it was a big step for him to come back and ask for his marriage. A lot of pride was sucked back. Of course, I wasn't there and body language speaks volumes.

Quote
Figure out what your boundaries are for him to return.  Make them clear and stick to them.  What do you want from a new marriage?  What do you need from him?

This is critical. He wants you to work, but that means he needs to step up around the house-especially supporting the kids. Like others have stated, the feelings and emotions can come later, but that doesn't mean he is incapable of visible action that shows commitment to making the marriage work.

I could write more, but go slow to go slower. Your plan was to remain for another year so you really have nothing to lose and a lot more to gain.

Just know that I am praying hard for both of you!

(((((Ready))))

Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Sunandshade on October 30, 2020, 08:54:17 AM
Hi, my husband has been home for 2 years now and I concur with what everyone is saying. They come home broken still and fragile. It’s weird because other people cannot see it at all! I consider us still in reconnection, there have been no floodgates opening. I suppose it depends on the person, but I find it very slow. We have mostly good days, he’s great with the kids, we have fun but there’s still a glass wall there and when I struggle I feel alone with it. I still love him and so stay on this path.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: PJ Ames on October 30, 2020, 09:55:15 AM
Following along FJ.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Curiosity on October 30, 2020, 10:01:49 AM
Attaching. The next stage in this journey...a stage I hope to reach one day. Certainly has its challenges but there are several people here who have already offered their thoughts on what matters. Boundaries, no expectations, the knowledge that he still has work to do, and importantly, just taking this step was huge for your h and that should be acknowledged. Wishing you well on whatever is to come.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: UrsaMajor on October 30, 2020, 10:28:06 AM
Following along
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: 9393roo on October 30, 2020, 10:49:47 AM
Quote
  We have mostly good days, he’s great with the kids, we have fun but there’s still a glass wall there and when I struggle I feel alone with it. I still love him and so stay on this path.

This is very true for me as well.... 
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Standing Strong on October 30, 2020, 12:22:04 PM
Big step FJ....... that's really good.

Tough choices to be made.

I could be wrong, but I think a lot of times when they make movement toward our 1st instinct can be to push away. Just something to examine.

Following along, as always  :)

-SS
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on October 30, 2020, 03:05:12 PM
Hi Ursa, Barbie and PJ!  Roo, thank you for all of the valuable insight, truly! Standing, my first instinct was to get far far away.  Learning, it was certainly a big step on his part, it’s true that it should be acknowledged.  Sun and shade, I’m glad you have mostly good days!  So two years in and still a wall?  Ready, his body language was humble.  I will try to remember how slow of a process this is.  Thank you!

Journaling-After seeking advice I have a plan.  Basically the plan is to meet with him and give my boundaries as well as let him no I will work part time.  The reason for part time is because he cannot have everything his way.  He chose the military lifestyle and us having to move around, I prefer to be settled.  So we will see how he handles compromise.  I will stay another school year and probably reassess the situation every 60 days.  We can date, talk some on the phone and possibly do counseling, but not in a marriage setting.  It would be like a new relationship.  The kids will not know.  If it is going well in 60 days I may change the boundaries.  I do not want to hurt my children if it does not work out.

If it doesn’t go well he can file.  I will guard my heart and see how it goes.  I may also invite him to church with the family.



Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: 9393roo on October 30, 2020, 03:22:25 PM
You sound good FJ!  Your plan sounds solid and well thought out.  Inviting him to church with you is good as well.  I invite my H on many excursions to see our children as well as day trips that I may go on.  Sometimes he comes, sometimes he doesn’t.  I go either way. 

This is truly a very slow process.  Learning to keep going forward no matter what takes some finagling.  It took me awhile to adjust to knowing when to move towards my H and when to back away.  Baby steps all the way. 

Sending you all sorts of good energy in this next phase for you.

Roo
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Curiosity on October 30, 2020, 04:00:03 PM
FJ, you sound like you are thinking about all of this in exactly the right way and like you have a great support system. Your plan also sounds right on target. It’s really tempting to either jump in with both feet at the first real signs of reconnection or to protect yourself so much that you don’t leave room for trust and healthy connection to build. I don’t know from experience, but it sure sounds like you are walking that balanced path between the two extremes. Thank you for updating and just in general for sharing your story.
Title: Re: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Milly on October 30, 2020, 05:08:06 PM
Finding, I really love your plan. Love your planned response/boundary, as in you will work part time since that is what you would actually like to do anyway. I think it's wise to date and get to know each other and not jump right back into living together. This will be a new relationship. Good to have your boundaries because they are important to you. If he doesn't like them, it's his problem.

I don't have experience of a returning MLCer, but from all the people who have had one, they come back broken and unhealed, so his not apologizing or being able to show affection to you is completely normal. He's not finished his crisis, although he probably will if you let him do so and do not make demands regarding affection, etc. It's up to you whether you want this. In any case, sounds like staying there for another year is the easiest/best option for you and the kids, so you have time. Wishing you lots of good stuff ahead.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Sunandshade on October 30, 2020, 08:31:00 PM
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be discouraging. I guess reconnection is a function of many variables, degree of damage and personality. For me, well maybe it’s me, maybe there’s something wrong with me, it’s been 2 years, and so it is. I suggest really stepping back and watching, you cannot make another person heal any faster than they are able. I hope all is well for you, I wish you peace.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Treasur on October 31, 2020, 12:03:55 AM
 :-X
Quote
Quote
Basically the plan is to meet with him and give my boundaries as well as let him no I will work part time.  The reason for part time is because he cannot have everything his way.  He chose the military lifestyle and us having to move around, I prefer to be settled.  So we will see how he handles compromise.  I will stay another school year and probably reassess the situation every 60 days.  We can date, talk some on the phone and possibly do counseling, but not in a marriage setting.  It would be like a new relationship.  The kids will not know.  If it is going well in 60 days I may change the boundaries.  I do not want to hurt my children if it does not work out.

This sounds tremendously sensible, FJ.
It sounds as if your plan essentially is to give yourself time to take him at his word (that he didn't know who he was and what he wanted) and let him show you who he has become now as a man and father and prospective partner. But without betting anything too big on it either way. And without trying to repair a marriage relationship until you both can see if it makes sense to do that tough emotional work together.

The glitch in your situation has always been - good and bad - that the life of you and your kids has been shaped by being married to a serving military person. And I suspect that built an unconscious pattern in your family where your h's vote was implicitly more than 50% in your married life. For practical reasons. You have not been free to choose where to lay down roots or build a career or life independently of that. But building a new marriage will need something more 50/50....more reciprocal....and that may take some adjusting to by both of you. And a few heated disagreements probably lol.

I have mused before on whether there are factors in individual situations that make Standing - or reconnecting - more or less sustainable to do as an LBS. I susoect it might have something to do with how big the risk is, how much skin in the game you are investing practically as well as emotionally, how possible it is to quarantine some of the basic essentials of life from the uncertainty. And it sounds as if this kind of risk management is exactly where your head is right now.

You are not alone in that situation of course.....families also serve don't they?.....but putting all your eggs in a now weakened basket is a different kind of choice isn't it? If you can continue to do that for, say, a year without making yourself too vulnerable to changes in the wind, while also having a plan B/C etc if it turns out that you need one, then I suspect it will help you feel that you gave it your best shot for your family no matter what happens.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on October 31, 2020, 06:14:23 AM
Roo, for now I definitely have being disconnected down.  So going slow is what I need too.  It’s very hard for me to even want to do this.  I just don’t want to get hurt again.

Learning I appreciate your supportive words.  I have a good LBS male friend who came up with the terms and I liked them and am using his wise plan.

Milly, as I thought it through I realized, what am I getting out of the marriage if I work full time.  I may as well be single and get to be settled and have roots.  It felt as if I was getting nothing I wanted and I am not willing to live my life completely at his whim.  In fact, a large part of me doesn’t want to give him a chance at all.  Yes, staying is easier for me and the kids, but only one more school year.  I’m ready to be settled.  Thank you for your wise words Milli!

Sun and shade, there is nothing wrong with you.  This process is just really long.  My husband had two years prior to bd with a large wall up, it makes trust more difficult.  So I’m imagining what that would be like after all of the betrayals.  Yes, he needs space and time.  Thank you Sun!

Treasur, Exactly!  I am not going all in and in fact one foot is on the sprint line ready to hightail it at the slightest sign he is betraying me again.  Thankfully I do have a plan b and currently that plan b is very appealing.  He will have to be a decent guy, husband and father to keep plan b off of my radar.  Yes, he looks at it like the military is his career, however the reality is his career effects every aspect of our life.  I love traveling and hate moving around.  In fact having a career as a military wife is difficult to do.

That is sort of how I feel Treasur.  Let’s see where this goes, but I am guarding my heart.  I fully see another life for me on the lake in TX.  So the idea of following him around the country or waiting here 2 1/2 years on his severance is a bit hard to take. 

Journaling, It has been a little over two years since bd.  I made a commitment to God to wait to move on for three years.  So I guess we have a year to see what happens.  I’m unsure short of that commitment that I would be willing to walk through this.  It wasn’t the cheating for me, though if he did that again it would be a dealbreaker.  That is forgiven, but the lack of trust remains.  The abandonment, and the way he treated me.  He put ow1 above me.  His relationship with her was more valuable.  She was not a side dish, she was his entree.  Granted they lasted months because he could not hold a relationship. 

And so now I see, if you try to reconnect you have to begin to work through these betrayals on a different level, because if you don’t, you won’t be able to chose the MLCer, or I won’t.  If I went on a blind date with my h in his current state, he would not get a 2nd date.

This is the person I am supposed to chose in the name of marriage and family.  It’s tough.  I don’t want to be a martyr.  I won’t chose him if he does not grow a ton in the next year. 
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on October 31, 2020, 07:53:44 AM
I was thinking of my mistakes during this process.  Particularly the first year.  I just couldn’t let go or pretend I had.  I was desperate and clingy.  Of course that made monster huge and ugly.  It didn’t matter what I knew I should do, my instinct took over.  It pushed him away.

Much less so year two.  He became polite and indifferent towards me, but slowly warmed towards the kids.  He was consistent in very slowly healing and very slowly showing more feeling towards the kids, but not towards me.  You could see a slow healing in his demeanor.

Year two, I tried to live my life, let go and move forward.  Occasionally I let him know I still wanted the marriage, that any divorce was his to have.  That I believe in marriage, but at a certain point I could no longer say the fight was for him.  More for my commitment to marriage and family.  That because who he currently was/is, is not worth fighting for.  So I had to fight for the marriage role itself.

The issue is how detached I am.  I can more easily picture myself with someone new that has not betrayed me.  My husbands mom also left and tried to come home after two years, my h’s dad said no....

I do understand completely why he said no, I also see the cycle that was not broken.  There is a healing that my children could have on a deeper level if we work out.  This could possibly break this cycle.  That said, I cannot place that level of burden on my shoulders, they cannot bear the weight.  I have to trust God for their healing.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Curiosity on October 31, 2020, 10:26:26 AM
Thank you for this wisdom. I have often wondered how much of the length of their MLC is about how long it takes to really drop the rope, on both sides. To some degree, they detach from the marriage in the lead-up to BD...but they also have lingering assumptions about who their LBS is and how they will respond to BD, and they have some assumptions that LBS will, at least for some time, be available to them if and when they decide to come back. That obviously isn’t true for all, but I think it’s part of the difference between a walk away spouse and MLC. Then, there’s the LBS...we know logically that we need to drop the rope and we do our best, but until we truly take our focus off the MLCer, until we are truly willing to move on, they can still feel the tether. Maybe they have low self-esteem and they feel like they aren’t worth our devotion. So as long as we make it clear that we love them and they feel unworthy of that love, the marriage and the LBS are seen as putting pressure on them. And it’s only when we start to truly feel like they aren’t worth fighting for that they feel that pressure ease. I don’t know, just speculating...

Every journey on this board provides its own lessons and insights. All are a bit different and some share almost no common threads. But the healing, learning to live on your own terms and according to your own values...those are fundamental tenets that I think are essential for us all. So thank you for sharing.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on October 31, 2020, 10:34:59 AM
Learning, in a way my situation is different.  He would not be returning now except circumstances.  He is not returning for me, but because of the kids.

Basically he recently found out he is stuck here where we live due to his job.  He found this out two weeks ago.  Well, I told him I was leaving this summer, to move home, which means our divorce would start in January.  I meant it when I said it.  So he has no clue I thought of possibly staying and since I have not yet given him an answer on us trying to work things out, still has no clue.  So really this is circumstances catching up to him.

He cannot leave because he isn’t doing great at work and he was going to live 12 hours from his kids.  That’s why it’s hard to trust him.  This is about him, not him wanting our marriage.

Though I will admit he did not say, I don’t want to lose my kids let’s work things out.  Admittedly he was also about to lose me and that could have woken him up some, but he also did not tell me he cares for me and does not want to lose me...
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: 9393roo on October 31, 2020, 11:01:27 AM
FJ,  You are handling your situation the best you know how.  You are the only one that understands your relationship and your H.  You are currently doing what is best for you and your situation.  That's all that you need to know. 

I myself have taken so much advice from many on here, I also have turned away advice that I know would not have worked in my own relationship.  I know what has worked and what hasn't worked in the last 35 years of being with my H.   

Sometimes we need to just turn the situation over to God and sometimes we need to step in and make sure we are protecting ourselves and our children from further damage.  There is no right or wrong, there is no MLC playbook.  Every situation is different.  There is so much in hindsight I wished I would have done differently, but maybe it wouldn't have changed a thing. 

My H has started individual therapy again and we have started marriage counseling.  This was a disaster 1.5 years ago but this time it feels like we are both ready. Maybe it will help, maybe it won't.  The difference is my H found the counselor, made the appointment and is sticking to it when it has gotten hard.  What has driven this I believe was me ready to walk out the door.  We have made an agreement not to have R talks outside of these sessions for now so we can just enjoy each other.  It seems to be working.  My H seems to be processing more every day.  I don't have an expectation of a quick fix.  We both have agreed that we need to start addressing things.  Some might see this as pressure, but I know my H and sometimes he needs a little push.  We are taking baby steps. 

You know what's best for you, You know what is best for your children.  You will know when you are done and ready to move on and you will know if you are ready to make the choice to recommit.  It's a long hard road.  Just wanted to remind you not to second guess yourself.  You are doing the best you can. 

Roo



 
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on October 31, 2020, 12:02:44 PM
Roo, I feel overwhelmed.  Like I practically have to take him back.  I feel anxious.  I feel like it’s not fair.  My heart feels like an elephant is on it.  My support system is centered around divorce.  Those same people that are themselves walking through divorce cannot be expected to get me through this.  It’s like my family understands, but they want to see reconciliation above all.

So I can vent here, and only here.  I understand that they are for reconciliation, however they have never had their heart ripped out and trampled by the very person who was supposed to protect it.  All this does is bring all of that pain back to the surface and all I can think of is this situation and all of it complexity. 

I want what’s best for my kids and family, but what about me?  What about what’s best for me.  I can forgive, but I’m not quite sure I want him back.  He who was so quick to abandon us.  He moved us here and I had no one.  Not one friend.  Then he left.  It’s like the trauma is here all over again and I can barely breath.

He will be here in 3 hours for Halloween.  We have done most holidays together since he left.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: 9393roo on October 31, 2020, 12:26:35 PM
I completely understand.  When we start to pick away at our marriage  the way it was and the way it is now we start to see things in a very real light.  For me I just wanted my marriage back so badly the first couple of years.  Now I don’t want my old marriage back.  It won’t work.  I too went through a very serious time making preparations for moving on.  I started looking at houses in another town, I started to mentally figure out what I would take.  I didn’t want my H I didn’t want the life he was offering.  I didn’t like him let alone love him.  I then started to step back and our shared history, our children our life. It was hard because I really for the first time since this started felt so very done.  I also started to realize I would be starting from scratch at 55 and I wasn’t quite ready to do that.  For me the turning point has been I know I can do that.  I’m not stuck I have choices.  It sounds like you do as well.  I say to take a step back and do what you said and reevaluate every few months.  How you feel right now may not be how you feel next month. I have cycled often and it’s confusing.

You know you will be there another year.  Let go and see where this year takes you.  Don’t focus on your relationship with your H.  You don’t need to make any decisions today.  Have a good evening with your family.  Try to pull yourself off of your own emotional roller coaster.  I’ve had to do the same thing many times.  We cycle just as much as they do. 

I hope you can take some time to yourself in the next few days.  You sound like a very strong person and a great mom.  Do the things that bring you peace and put your H back on a shelf for now. 

Hugs,  Roo
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on October 31, 2020, 12:40:39 PM
Thank you Roo!!  Very sound advice.  Just breathing in and out slowly to calm myself...
Title: Re: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Airmid on October 31, 2020, 12:54:12 PM
You know, it is perfectly ok to tell your H -
“I hear what you want, but I am not sure yet what I want”
You are allowed to make your own mind up, in your own time.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: barbiedoll on October 31, 2020, 01:12:27 PM
Quote
You know, it is perfectly ok to tell your H -
“I hear what you want, but I am not sure yet what I want”
.

Yes. Just about to respond with this exact comment.  It is absolutely acceptable to say exactly this " I am not sure what I want for myself or my children".
It took me a very very long time to commit, put my rings on and agree to rebuild . He had to accept that , live with it and understand that his action just made him " not all that special anymore".
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Treasur on October 31, 2020, 01:34:52 PM
And a thumbs up from me.....you absolutely do not have to make any big decision right now. Or bc your h wants you to bc, frankly, he no longer has the right to expect you to feel any obligation toward him as he reneged on his obligations to you. It is absolutely ok to say I don't know, not now, not yet, not today, not like this, this but not that, too much, not enough...or to say nothing at all. Or indeed to change your mind. Or need time to pray or consider or seek guidance.

Breathe. Take your time. Go slow. You are in control of your bit of this, FJ.....don't let your (normal) feeling of anxiety - or your h  ::) - persuade you that you are not.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on October 31, 2020, 01:48:34 PM
Thank you guys!  I think it’s just resurfacing all of this pain.  The pressure is not from him.  My parents have been working double time to get us back together and I don’t want to fail anyone.  I don’t want to let them down or my kids(who don’t even know). 

He is not my concern.  I have given him no reply.  We will talk when we talk about it and I already laid out my plan to this forum.  Like Roo, I need to let myself have permission to not chose him.  I can’t explain it, it’s just all too much.  I feel like my support system through divorce care is gone now.  I feel anxious.  I’m sure it will calm down.  I know I need to give it to God.  It may take a few days.

I think it’s fear.  It must be fear.  Letting him near me.  Dating him.  The man who hurt me so badly.  It’s like I’m being given a new lung and my body is rejecting it.  He is the lung and he’s coming over for Halloween.  I don’t want to see him, but I have to be brave.

I know I need time.
Title: Re: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Thunder on October 31, 2020, 08:59:17 PM
"I need to let myself have permission to not chose him."

Finding you are so right!!  This is your life.

This is decision only you can make so take your time.  Weigh everything before you make that decision.  Take your time.

I have been reading and just had to chime in.
If he said he wants to make a go of it, what does that mean?  There was no apology, no I love you, no I made a big mistake, no hug.  How is that showing you he means what he is saying?  You know him better than we do.

It's just I had a friend of mine who settled for her X just wanting to get back together, after 2 years apart, but their marriage is so different.  He never did the real work he needed to do I guess.
So they are reconciled but their marriage has no passion, no intimacy.
The are just companions now.

Not that, that is the worst thing in the world.  They have a nice life, but I don't feel she is really happy.  I know she misses the close intimacy they had before.

The spark they had is just no longer there.  But she says nothing.

I'm not trying to be negative Finding, I'm really not. Maybe he will come back and will show you how much love he still has for you and will make you very happy.
I hope for that.

But you are the only one who can make the decision to give him that chance. 

Just be sure, in your heart, it's worth trying again because you have come so far.
Determine what you expect from him and what kind of relationship you want with him.

Hugs
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Dragonfly33 on November 01, 2020, 04:40:48 AM
Finding Joy I can totally relate to how you feel right now. My H also wants to work things out between us but on his terms which means we go back as normal, no consequence to all the things he's done including spending 3 nights with the OW, him having his time for his sport (which actually takes the most of his time). The only difference my H did apologize, but what is apology when there's no action. He just apologized because I found out about the OW. I don't think he would have if I hadn't found out about it.
Of course your situation is much more complicated than mine as you have children. But like you, we also don't talk about our R or what happened when he is around. He just acts like how we were before. Deep inside I feel like exploding. I feel all the pain and the anger sometimes I have to go to the bedroom to be away from him. So his routine now is he comes to me over the weekend and goes back to his place during the week.

I don't know actually if I still want this marriage. I like having him around but part of me also wants to escape. What Thunder share here about her friend is what I fear if ever I decide to go back to him. I fear that I will just be unhappy.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 01, 2020, 05:20:42 AM
Thunder, that is my fear.  I do not think he is currently emotionally capable of giving me more.  I knew my old husband before the deployment.  He was caring, loving, a family man.  He was funny and we bantered.  We regularly showed affection.  He had my back and I had his.  We were a team and we both had the same priorities.

I do not know this man. I mean you see glimpses of the old person.  But he is giving me so little to work with.  I think I will just have to take it slow and see if he eventually has love to offer.  I am not willing to be in a loveless marriage.  Also, he has to be repented before God, which he currently is not.  He is way softer, but God is not first in his life, or my guess is anywhere close.  For me that is a dealbreaker.  I think circumstances are prematurely pushing him my way.

Dragon, I am so sorry.  I now more fully understand what it’s like for them to come back, but not be fully repentant.  I can understand you wanting him to show he is sorry in his actions, not just words.  I feel like my h sort of shows it in his actions, but to be honest he’s just so broken.  I see that more fully now.  I understand it on a different level.  He is not ok and currently has nothing to give.

I would need what you need, to work through everything, not just pretend it never happened.  They need to get their big boy undies on and face up to the situation.

Journaling-I’m not a crazy mess today like yesterday.  Mostly because he came over and nothing has changed.  He barely acknowledged me.  He kept talking to our kids, but ignored me.  We went trick or treating together, he wasn’t ugly, he was nothing.  Just present, but as if I did not really exist.  No goodbye even.

This could possibly be because I have not acknowledged his request, but I now realize there is nothing to fuss about.  Without significant change I will not chose this.  Who would?!  I have a feeling if I tell him we can casually date things will get better, but I married a man devoted to our faith and he was invited to church this morning.  He is not coming.  He wants me to accept him as he is...

I think I need many months to find out who exactly I would be accepting.  It’s so hard to walk through this now because I am so far along in my healing and this just rips open the wounds.  I will be guarding my heart and perhaps some will not understand, but unless I would chose him again now, as he is as my husband, ultimately we will not be reconciled.

We will either fall in love again and I find out he is still a decent man, or we will go our own way.  This will be a long process if we stick with it.  Basically dating from scratch except if I weren’t married to him he would not have gotten a 2nd date. 



Title: Re: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Thunder on November 01, 2020, 05:58:26 AM
Finding sometimes it takes them a very long time to really come out of this, but some never fully do.  Mine was back to his normal self, after about 3/4 years,  but I still saw some depression and a bit of selfishness he never had before.  Ever

I think you're wise to take your time.  See how he does for awhile.  See what changes he makes.  It's good he wants to spend time with the kids, that's a plus, but a marriage is more than just being a parent...well you know that.
If he can't allow you time then he is not ready.

You'll know what is right for you.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Acorn on November 01, 2020, 06:04:37 AM
Hi FJ, I wonder if it would helpful for you to see the recent interaction with your H as a self-serving ‘touch and go’ moment, rather than a reconciliation effort.  That might relieve some pressure?   Just my humble suggestion...

I must say I am struck by the dissonance between his body language (humble) and his clear agenda of obtaining financial security by using you as a means.  I find it oddly cold and calculating.  I’m really sorry, it looks like he is in the middle of self-centred crisis. 

Please use your head and not your heart, in regards to your parents’ push for reconciliation.  I’m sorry, but frankly, it’s none of their business.  To state the obvious, they are not married to your H; you are.  It’s your call.  100%.  Maybe this is where your growth is — to emancipate yourself from your parents’ wishes for and their opinions of you. 

I wish you much wisdom.
(((((HUGS)))))
Title: Re: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Gracie3 on November 01, 2020, 06:20:21 AM
I think Acorn has some really sage advice.  At 4 years in, I can tell you that my husband comes around almost yearly wanting to “reconcile”.   He’s claimed this oh so many times.  They are a mess and you can’t clean it up for him.  He’s going to have to sweep his side of the porch. 
Title: Re: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Airmid on November 01, 2020, 06:40:28 AM
Quote
Maybe this is where your growth is — to emancipate yourself from your parents’ wishes for and their opinions of you. 

I must agree with Acorn on this.
One thing that MLC does is call into focus areas where there is a need for growth.
Certainly we see it clearly with the MLCer themselves - but let us not forget about the LBSer.

MLC brings into focus behavior and thought patterns that are not necessarily healthy.
Co-dependency, placating others, not being true to ourselves.

The reality is YOU are the one and the only one who should make this decision - not your parents, not your friends, not even the people on this forum.

Your parents don't have to deal with the trust and intimacy issues of accepting back a man who abandoned his wife.  YOU do.

Reconciliation at all costs is not the goal.
In fact, taking your H back on principle, rather than a true desire on your part to have him in your life would be pretty disastrous.  It would be stuffing yourself into a closet and throwing away the key.  Your life, your opinions, your values count as much as anyones.

One small thing that hit me about your H's demand for you to work - does he think that if you were working he would be less financially responsible should a divorce occur?

I will tell you that when my H left after being with me for 20 years, after he emptied our bank accounts without my knowledge, etc. - I was shocked to discover he would not be responsible for any alimony as I had an income that could support myself.

Consult your attorney to see if there is any particular issue regarding possible alimony should you start working.  Again - return to work only if that is your desire.  You have a bunch of kids, and your housing etc is provided via your husband's job.  Do what is right for YOU.



Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Marchingforward on November 01, 2020, 08:24:45 AM
Oh my! This is so difficult. My h has been back for 7 months. At first he was all in. Repentant, stopped all business dealings with the OW, making plans for the future, very attentive to my needs, etc. Over the past few weeks he's grown distant. I feel that he's not quite completed his MLC journey. He still seems to not know who is actually is. This leaves me in this difficult spot emotionally. Of course I'm very sensitive to disconnect due to what happened a few months before BD 3 years ago. This journey is not for the faint of heart. It's tough.

I completely understand where you are not sure if you want the relationship or not. I'm by no means an expert. I'm still struggling a lot. What I can say is even after 7 months of things seeming to be the "new normal," I'm still not sure what I want to do. It's hard. Some days it's one moment at a time for me. I'm also trying to rely on those lessons I learned about myself during this time. I'm strong, capable, independent, worthy of love, love myself, have great friends, enjoy awesome hobbies, and know that I can survive no matter what happens. I've been reminding myself about these things more frequently over the last few weeks as he seems to be withdrawn and quiet. It's very hard. Please know that so many in this group are here for you. :-)
Title: Re: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Zion on November 01, 2020, 08:34:30 AM
Quote
One small thing that hit me about your H's demand for you to work - does he think that if you were working he would be less financially responsible should a divorce occur?


Sadly this is what I thought too. Proceed with caution.

I am very curious about who he thinks is... since now he has finally figured it out. What did he figure out? What are his current value? Etc.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: 9393roo on November 01, 2020, 08:38:35 AM
This is why I love this group.  So many different perspectives, so many different stories, so much help and empathy when it is needed most!  Lots of good things here FJ!
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 01, 2020, 09:18:35 AM
Lots of great insight and perspectives.  Not to worry, I do not have an unhealthy attachment to my parents.  I have always been independent, however, they have been there for me during this time.  I respect them, that is all.  Ultimately I will make the best decision for me and my kids.

As far as the job, I am protecting myself financially, not to worry.  I believe he wants me to work so that the heavy weight of being the sole provider is not on him.  He’s not necessarily asking me to work now, or next school year.  I would be very careful about employment until a full reconciliation.  That said, I had pretty much intended to work full time next year before this because I would need to as a single mom.  If we are together I would offer up part time. 

I have my head on now.  I just need to take it slow over the next 60 days and see if I can get to know him a bit.  I will reassess every 60 days.   I will make no commitments and just spend some time with him.  There is nothing lost if it does not work as the kids will not know.  I will guard my heart and any dating is non marital(no intimacy until/unless we are fully recommitted). 

I really appreciate all of the insight.  I know there is a wide range of experience here💕
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Seahorse on November 01, 2020, 04:04:47 PM
Joy - Continuing to follow along on your story.
Interesting turn of events.
I’m glad that you’re taking it slowly and walking your steps for yourself.
it’s a tough road, but you’ll be fine.

Sea
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: LBS_Les on November 01, 2020, 04:20:49 PM
Attaching FJ - I have to say, Im completely envious that you have now shifted into being in charge of your future  8)

You sound like you have a reasonable approach on things.   I applaud you for that.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 01, 2020, 05:27:59 PM
Thank you for that encouragement Seahorse!  💕

Les, You know it took me the weekend, but I feel empowered now.  My life is in my hands.  Thank you for pointing that out:)
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 02, 2020, 07:21:41 AM
I was thinking today, it’s almost comical.  I mean I hit my 40th birthday.  My h sends me a text that literally just says, happy birthday.  No punctuation.  Then we go on a date about our marriage where it feels more like I’m being bartered for a cow in some sort of business deal.

Literally no emotion or touch.  It’s almost like I’m living in bizzaro world.  I mean who acts like that....
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: UrsaMajor on November 02, 2020, 07:33:21 AM
Literally no emotion or touch.  It’s almost like I’m living in bizzaro world.  I mean who acts like that....

A Mid-Lifer!
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Seahorse on November 02, 2020, 02:39:47 PM
Joy -
Ditto what UM said!

BTW - Happy Birthday!
Don’t expect H to have emotions or ability to express love right now.
Time....

Sea
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 02, 2020, 02:46:16 PM
I don’t think I really grasp how a person can take this long to work themselves out.  Perhaps because I’ve been through so many hardships, but did the hard work of dealing with my traumas.  I just don’t relate.  I’m not trying to lack compassion, but I truly do not understand this level of crazy.

It makes it hard to be empathetic for 4 years and counting since this started(2 since bd).
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Seahorse on November 02, 2020, 02:47:23 PM
Joy - I understand, but MLC has no time-line...
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Curiosity on November 02, 2020, 03:52:08 PM
FJ, I have been struggling with this myself lately. Both the question of “how can it take them this long to figure themselves out” and “how can they be so destructive to everything in their path?” And I know that there is no time line, and I know that they’re in crisis and their destruction isn’t something they are choosing based on logic or a desire to cause pain and destruction...I know those things logically. But I want to understand why, even though I know there is no logical explanation. I have come to the conclusion that I will likely never understand why, so I just need to accept that it is... but I’m an inquisitive sort so that won’t stop me from continuing to seek understanding on some level. Not because I can’t get on with my life without that understanding - I can and I am. But because understanding things, even just in part, is good when it’s possible.

I don’t think that resolves anything, and Seahorse is right - there is no reason, it just takes time and that’s the way it is. But I wanted you to know that you aren’t alone in genuinely not understanding why, and struggling to truly show empathy because it is so foreign to the way we live our lives. Even though I am only about a year into this whole thing, I get it, and it’s really hard, and I’m sorry.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 02, 2020, 04:16:59 PM
Totally, I hear you both.  I need to understand in order to have empathy.  I cannot bring myself to call him and schedule a meeting.  I have not told him anything.

The truth is, I actually think me having had a hard life gives me less compassion for him.  I could list so many things I have been through, but I never hurt people like this, or abandoned my tribe.  I think I need some level of understanding to have the grace I need to have.

My heart is hard towards him.  I don’t think I knew how hard until he showed up half hearted.  Perhaps that made it harder towards him.  To wait on someone through so much trauma and it just feels like, what was I waiting for. 

If he does not see.....me.  He does not value.... me.  He does not feel anything after all of this time. 

I am a big picture thinker, but currently I just can’t seem to make that leap.  It’s like I’m trying so hard to do it because the best outcome is a whole family unit, but he broke ‘us’.  There is no us.  There is me and my kids. 
Title: Re: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: terra on November 02, 2020, 07:15:33 PM
FJ, hello hard life kindred spirit! And happy birthday. You do sound like you’ve got a lot of things straight and even if h’s return is tough or vexing, I hope this year will be good to and for you. I know in many ways it will be.

My h dropped punctuation too and I admit it bugs me every time. I take it personally and find it disrespectful from him. And ?! no one else! Just him. But whatever it is, let it be a minor thing, if it’s one at all.

I’m sorry he seemed to ignore you on Halloween; I wouldn’t like that at all. I remember reading somewhere (here?) several reports that the MLC spouse reconnects in stages, but I don’t remember what they were. It seemed to me whenever I had read or re-read it that they reconnect with the most outer circles first and work their way in/through/back very slowly. Something like colleagues/friends, extended family or community, kids/pets, pets/kids, and then, finally, the LBS.

Coming back to God and/or church community or open faith/worship/prayer is probably going to take a long time. Don’t doubt that in his heart, your h is having tentative dialogues or shy awful moments with Him, though. If your h was devout before this, or even the least tethered to his faith and especially if he grew up in the church or a faith system, that is likely still there but just deeply ashamed, vulnerable, and/or quiet.

Keep praying for him, I mean, or for his relationship with God to deepen, for God to take him on; He will do a lot of the heavy lifting. Or shop it out to prayer circles. There may be a group or Bible study through your home church or one nearby that can help support you, and those folks will readily pray for him, for you, for the kids and your marriage and decisions and anything else you need. I am probably saying stuff you already know but ;) I figure it can’t hurt to say it. I know I’ve gone periods where I just could not pray another prayer for h, I was so mad at him. It was a relief every time to say it and let someone else take up some of the care there.

My h is far away with someone else and for a long time he was anti-prayer and I felt he was prayer-resistant. Not that he wouldn’t pray, but he couldn’t stand that I would. That was weird and at one point I felt even my private dialogues with God resulted in h doing the polar opposite, as if he knew and wanted to make sure and was doing it all on purpose.

Shocking. It didn’t shake my faith, but it made me focus my prayers and turn more to my own care.

I’m not in any position to really need to decide, at this time, but wanted to tell you, because you are, I totally see the wisdom in not involving the kids in your dating or more intimate connecting. In our case, h’s son and my D are both in the almost 18-25yo age group, and when we tried reconnecting or reconciling even two years ago, both kids had their feelings about it. The marriage and any decisions about it are up to you and h, and that’s it. You are the two who will benefit most from rehabbing your union, and you are the two who will be stuck with each other when the kids are off to school, friends, uni, and their own adulthoods and maybe marriage and family of their own.

For what it’s worth, I’ll pray. And I think some of the hurt or reflexive pushing away, that’s natural. Weirdly so is his reticence or ignoring or cold affect. At worst it all means this won’t work? But with care and time and the right healing, maybe someday in retrospect it was a season of difficult and brand new re-entry, that will have been worth it.

This is a reaaaallllllly dumb question, but, since back from deployment, has he sought any care for things like PTSD? I know it isn’t always handled, addressed, or even like admitted to. It just seems like there’s probably stuff going on in him that he doesn’t get to or know how to express. So you get the cold shoulder, when it might be more like hidden heart.

You sound really well and I’m rooting for you and your family. (((HUGS)))
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 03, 2020, 04:06:44 AM
Terra, Thank you for your gracious words.  Oddly I think I’m afraid to have hope that he will get right with God.  I wanted to see it with my own eyes before I took him back.  I’m afraid I will chose him hoping he will get right with God and 10 years later I feel stuck.

Your words give me a reason to hope and perhaps at some point maybe I will have to take a leap of faith and trust God, if not my h. 

Yes, he has PTSD.  He has been seeing a psychiatrist since he left. 

I ended up having a glass of wine last night and calling him.  We set up this Saturday to meet again.  We spoke for an hour or so.  Mostly about my daughter, but he is opening up to me more than he has.  I got a sense of his personality.  He’s definitely got more healing to do.

He’s much calmer in some ways, he feels free to curse like a sailor still in front of me.  Which he never did before.  He is in the navy I guess, but I’m not a fan.  He is much more take charge.  He used to be more of a rudderless ship.  He is more of a manly man, which if he submitted his will to Christ I prefer.  I don’t like having to be in charge.  I prefer more traditional roles, I was in charge our whole marriage only because he did not rise to the occasion.  Of course I want my input valued and respected, but I don’t mind letting him drive, if I trust him.  There are some areas he never broke my trust, financially and also, if he says something he does it.  This whole time, if he says he will he does.  Other than that all trust needs restored.

This is how I know this is not likely a false comeback.  He doesn’t say things before he has really considered them.  He is slow to make decisions, but when he does you can count on it.  He’s always been like that and it’s the only thing that has stayed during MLC. 

He sort of spoke as if we were happening at times.  He would say, when we move.  Other times he said depending on what happens with us.  He also said he’s very open minded.  I mentioned to him how much the kids and I want to settle down and that I’m not willing to have everything his way.  If we are to move around until his retirement(if he makes it to that), then I want to work part time.

He said he was very open and expected compromise.  So all in all a good conversation.  He even has a plan in place for if he does get an honorable discharge from the military in a couple of years.  Before I would have had to figure that out.  Apply for jobs for him etc.  so he seems to be growing up at 43 a bit.  I left the conversation feeling better than I went in.

We mostly talked about d15.  She is about to be d16 and she got a promise ring from her bf.  He is not at all happy about this and wants ‘us’ to try to move with the military this summer to get her away from the boy...   Of course they are not wanting to move him because he hasn’t made rank, but he is trying to switch over to a different part I guess.  Which shows a ton of growth, again, not something he would have done before.  He would have left his secretary(me) to do it.  Him switching to a different side could save his career.  Retention rates are only 60percent at his level and field.  If he switches they are much higher. 



Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 03, 2020, 07:47:12 PM
There is definitely a change happening in our family dynamics.  Tonight was our regular Tuesday evening with my h here.  I usually stay for dinner and leave.  Tonight I stuck around.  The election is on and I wanted to watch it, plus now I feel like I should hang around more.  Well, my husband really had my back with the kids and was more engaged with me.  There was a lot of joking around and I remembered how he used to change the family dynamics. 

He brought that balance.  It wasn’t just let’s get through all of the things that we need to get through on a school night with homework, dinner, baths, chores, instrument practice etc.  It can be a lot when your single and have 4 kiddos. 

He brought a light heartedness, he is really good with the teens.  Before he left two years ago I noticed that he handles them better than I do.  I mean I struggle with teen attitudes.  He’s able to make light of it.  I got a glimpse of our old life.  It does give me some hope.

I guess it reminded me of what I have been fighting for.  I needed reminding. 
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 07, 2020, 07:03:30 AM
More than ever, I question if over the next 6 months to a year I can reattach to my h.  Mostly because how do you attach or try to connect with someone who has no emotions to really give.  There is that fear that he never will, though I try not to go there because he has slowly healed this last year in particular.

For my h when he and ow 2 broke up a year ago and he realized that he couldn’t love anyone, not even himself.  That is when his slow healing started.  I think his replay also ended there.  I’ve mentioned before that he did give a bd 6 months prior to the one I have listed, talking about being unhappy and that we need to go to counseling.  That said the bd I list is when he broke my heart and said basically he wanted to separate.

So I have seen this slow continual growth in him.  Snails pace this last year.  He looks horrible still.  Also our conversations flow, but there’s no chemistry.  He drove me to the airport this morning, I don’t know.  It just makes me wonder if we can reconnect after all of the detaching.  I am incredibly detached in my emotions and I’m not sure I can go back.

In 6 months time am I going to think it’s worth it.  We are having a conversation on Monday where I sort of lay out what I’ve already laid out here.  I still have not really answered him about any of it.  I’m going to have to back away from a friendship I have with a male lbs.  We are just friends, but too close of friends if I’m trying to work things out with my h.  He is not on this site, I’ve known him since childhood.

Admittedly this relationship makes me compare.  As this person has my same morals, values and we have deep conversations.  Versus shallow interactions.  I trust this person, and admittedly in the back of my mind I have thought hmm, if the timing is ever right who knows what could come of it.  Which is why I now have to step back.  Tbh I’m resentful that I have to.  He’s a good friend and he’s been there, while my husband has not and is still not on any deep level.

So I feel loss.  Not just of that friendship, but the support I had from my divorce care group.  Yet, I haven’t gained much.  It’s not like my h came back wanting to dive deep, it’s this slow dance where we are both Leary.  Shallow waters and it of course does not meet my needs.

I feel attention starved.  So knowing I can have a real life adult relationship with someone who has things in common with me is difficult.  I don’t mean a particular person, just that I know for me I will not struggle to find someone if I want that. 

Or at some point I take a leap of faith and chose my h.  I have no clue if he will ever be able to meet my needs in a relationship.  He is not whole himself.  He could heal and be awesome, or not...

I guess I didn’t expect all of these feelings.  I expected that I could just chose him and the feelings would eventually follow.  That may be true, but it’s the chosing him part, it’s not coming easy.  I’m not sure I want him.  When I take the kids and marriage vows out of the equation, do I want to spend my life with this man...

I guess that is yet to be determined.  He is going to start joining us at church in the coming weeks. 

I cannot command my feelings to suddenly change.  He has to be a good and decent whole person.  Without that, I cannot see myself with him.
Title: Re: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: terra on November 07, 2020, 07:54:04 AM
FJ, (((HUGS))). You don’t have to change your mind about anything. That’s the funny thing about time. Over the course of time, the mind slowly changes itself.

I think what I most want to say to you, from maybe a few years further into something similar, is that it’s ok for you to go slowly. In fact it might be important that you do.

At two years in, I was a mess, and it doesn’t matter which BD or ow or what version of h it was, I realize. There was a lot of detachment and processing and at the same time not ever quite enough of either. This morning I wonder if what we mean when we talk about detachment here is really just objectivity, and it’s so hard to attain that when we’re so long bonded to a person and attachment we love and rely on.

Just, keep noticing you and what you need and feel and what your body cues or messages. Some of it is deep and vague and subtle. Some of it, like how we arrange or recalibrate around certain other/outside connections like the one you have with your friend from childhood, some of those are clearer or more readily accessed or easily “solved”. In some way that might mean they are actually closer to the surface. Some of what we work through on either side of all this is almost chthonic. Those parts are the parts that will be known or understood more slowly, because that’s the stuff at the core, of you or also of your h.

Just, keep noticing your own cues and needs and what you alone are really after. I have a friend locally who is married to a childhood friend and with whom I have the deep conversations I think most anyone really does crave. I have let everyone in our family circle know that I have mixed feelings about this access, and none of them really understand it, but maybe some of us here on HS do. He is proactive and initiates and none of it is secret or hidden or even “just between us two”, and I’m really glad of that. I’m thankful that this friend is of my family and that I’ve known all of them forever, because I don’t — for once — have to be so on guard against anything wrong. It helps that part of the conversation and connection is a family therapist, too, and that we both know that’s where some of what is discussed gets worked out safely.

Gently, it sounds to me like you are feeling not ready for what your h proposes or is representing now. I want you to know that this is 100% normal, natural, reasonable, and that at some point it may all feel differently.

We are all moving through our personal events within a lot of unusual and complex outer stress. Everyone alive right now is going through some sort of inner reckoning, moreso than in the years before this one. Just take it slow. Go slowly, self care, rest when you need to, say no when you need to.

I hope your h will do that also. We can release a lot now and in the course of weather and holidays and political stuff, I think we will see a lot of examples and evidence that many people are doing that in their own ways. Keep breathing and take good care of you, and of the kids.

He will have emotions.

You get to choose how much these engage you.

(((HUGS)))
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Seahorse on November 08, 2020, 04:29:18 AM
Joy -
You've always known that whether you reconcile or not would be your choice.
I agree with terra that this is not something that you need to decide right this minute.
And, you can explain the situation to your male friend, as I'm sure that he would understand.  If not...
You can continue to explore your relationship with your H and how it makes you feel as things/if things progress.
There is nothing that says he can immediately return as your H after he's disrupted everything.
I think going to church will be a great first step for you and H as well as the entire family.

Don't worry and don't stress.
Give it to God - things will fall into place if you trust and believe in Him (in MY opinion).

Acorn has nicely addressed the reconnection process and it's difficult and lengthy time course.
I cannot recall if she questioned reconciliation or not, but I believe she was resolute in restitution of her marriage.
It might be worth re-reading her story and see if there's any overlap?

Sending hugs during this difficult time of uncertainty for you.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 08, 2020, 05:06:01 AM
Terra and Sea, I think there is currently a disconnect with me because while I know what a long process this is and that I don’t have to chose him, I am petrified of getting hurt. 

I understand in mind, but possibly not heart.  All of my inner alarms are sounding danger and it doesn’t matter that I am saying I have it under control.  I do want to give it to God, but admittedly it’s hard as I have no clue what God may or may not allow me to walk through.  With so much free will, I can give God control, but ultimately my h can hurt me again.  That’s what this is about for me.  My hurt.  My pain.  Him being considered unsafe territory. 

Terra, you are absolutely right about me not being ready.  I am no more ready to be in a relationship with my h than I was ready to be in a new relationship.  Yet, it’s here and we do have a time crunch as I cannot wait here in FL forever.  So I guess slow and steady it is on the outside, but on the inside I am petrified.  My instinct is to guard my heart.  I appreciate all of the support ladies.

Sea, it’s not really about my friend understanding.  It’s about me having to give up another thing for my h.  When he has given up nothing for me.  I have waited in limbo in another state, he has lived a selfish bachelor life.  I do not want to be a martyr of sorts.  I want an equal relationship.  I appreciate you mentioning Acorn!  I will read it again.  I do know she said she would not have taken him back if he had moved out.  That betrayal to me is worse than any other, the abandonment.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Seahorse on November 08, 2020, 05:42:06 AM

I do want to give it to God, but admittedly it’s hard as I have no clue what God may or may not allow me to walk through.  With so much free will, I can give God control, but ultimately my h can hurt me again.  That’s what this is about for me.  My hurt.  My pain.  Him being considered unsafe territory. 

God does give us all free will.
But are you trying to control God's plan for you by exercising your free will?  Just food for thought...

He will only lead you through what is best for you; albeit more hurt or pain could be a realization in the short-term.
For many/most of us LBSer's, our spouse going through MLC was a very painful and horrible experience.  However, the LBS's who have done the work have been made stronger and better because of it, and those who have successfully reconciled have had a new and improved relationship with their spouse.

Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 08, 2020, 05:57:06 AM
Sea, I think it is all too new for me to even get a handle on.  It’s not that I’m trying to take control, it’s more like I’m frozen almost like a shock to my system.  I’m unsure what to do or what God has for me.  My bd was 2 years ago, so while I have worked to rebuild my life and self esteem, I am still a work in progress.

My husband lurking around does not necessarily mean God wants me to chose him.  I believe I have free will in that him cheating leaves the chose to me unless God lays it on my heart to reconcile.  Which has not happened so far. 

Some have reconciled successfully and many, many have not.  I do appreciate you helping me walk through that thought process.  I do also recognize God allows us to walk through hard things.

Him coming around does not suddenly make me ready to be in a relationship.  I’m unsure how to explain it, our relationship is from the ground up just like a new relationship.  I am not ready to be in a new relationship, and he is no different.  Imagine someone coming around two years out from bd and wanting to date you, your heart is not fully healed.  He to me is no different than a new guy would be except I trust him less.   Except for us it’s now or never so if we have any hope I have to try.

Journaling, my h in the last week has made daily contact.  I would say he has been the one pursuing and I have been the one being pursued.  I do think for me that is one important step.  I need to know he wants the relationship and is willing to fight for it.  I’m going to continue to let him lead in this process and see how it goes.  That said, there’s so much damage.  I feel like at this point talking about the damage gets us nowhere.  I am going to see if we can reconnect and then deal with the damage later.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Seahorse on November 08, 2020, 06:02:45 AM
Joy-
I have followed you through your journey, and know that you have done so much work.
You have been a lighthouse for your husband and a rock for your kids.

I do think that it is important to be the pursued when reconnecting.
I guess my point was that you don't need to make a decision until you are comfortable that you have a decision.
IDK if that makes sense, but don't feel pressured if you're uncertain.

Sending hugs.
Sea
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 08, 2020, 06:23:07 AM
Thank you Sea!  I do feel like my emotions are on a roller coaster ride right now.  What I recognize in my head is not connecting to my panicked heart.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: 9393roo on November 08, 2020, 06:52:35 AM
FJ,

Just jumping in here as well.  Sea is right, no decisions need to be made right now.  I know exactly where you are because I too have been there so many times.  I think sometimes we are our own worst enemies when it comes to reconnecting.  There has been so much damage and we start to build a wall around ourselves to make sure it won’t happen again.  For a long time I found myself looking at every single action my H did while he still said he wanted to be with me.  It was painful.  He would say one thing and do another.  There wasn’t any affection, no down on his knees begging for forgiveness.  I had trouble comprehending how he could be so cold. 

I am slowly learning that he too has built a wall around himself.  He is full of guilt and shame and the only way he could handle it was to shut it down.  This means I believe your H is  shutting what he has done to you and your kids down as well.  I know with my H he is only now starting to address it because he is starting to feel safe with me again. 

This all takes so much time.  For me reconnection has been a lonely road.  I have had to deal with the trauma and pain with no help from him.  It was hard for me to make that connection.  My pain has changed now and I am not looking for him to address it as much as I used to. 

Quote
  I feel like at this point talking about the damage gets us nowhere.  I am going to see if we can reconnect and then deal with the damage later.

This is everything for you at this stage.  Take the opportunity while your relationship is calm to just let it be.  Things will fall into place when they need too. 

Sending hugs to you.  Roo
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 08, 2020, 07:15:56 AM
Roo!  You are Spot on!  I can see how reconnecting can be a lonely journey.  I already feel more lonely than I did a week ago. 

You really have so much of your own damage to try and overcome, not to mention their walls.  That makes sense about them having walls up to protect him from everything he did.  In that way my h and I seem on the same page, both pretty walled up.

This journey is not for the faint of heart, that’s for sure!  I appreciate the insight.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Seahorse on November 08, 2020, 07:34:21 AM
Roo - Great post about how to deal with a husband who is recognizing his impact on the family.
As I haven't experienced it, I can only guide through what I've learned, but your post was excellent in clarifying.
Thank you.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Treasur on November 08, 2020, 08:33:55 AM
Dear FJ, I would like to encourage you to accept the most simple truth you know right now....that you don't know what is best to do about your marriage and that you are afraid of being hurt again. Hand that up to God....that this is where you are right now..
And that it is ok and entirely reasonable that you are.

I found tbh that beating myself up or trying to not feel how I felt never seemed to make much difference to how I actually felt....but strangely giving myself permission to be where exactly where I was did.  :)
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 08, 2020, 08:47:02 AM
Treasur I think you and Sea are making a very good point on trying to let go and give it to God.  I will work on that and try to accept this as a part of the very messy process. 

Journaling-I want to document my thoughts here as so many have done before me.  So that people can see the messy process.  The feelings involved and know exactly what they are signing up for if they pursue any kind of reconnection.  It is not an easy choice to make and I am very much so struggling with the idea of it. 

I remember telling my h in my 20’s if he ever cheated it was over.  He has done far more than cheat in these last 2 years. 

For the last 4 years, every since he got back from that deployment his walls have been thick and high.  If that continues through a reconnection, this will be a very lonely journey. 
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Zion on November 08, 2020, 09:08:32 AM
FJ,

Maybe your husband would be willing to attend a marriage intensive that specializes in affair and limerence such as Marriage Helper or Affair Recovery. It might be helpful even if you don’t reconcile.  I personally would not suggest general MC. I would want at this point to talk to therapists that specified in extreme cases of affair, separation, and reconciliation after divorce.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 08, 2020, 09:17:37 AM
Zion, it is in the back of my mind for sure that when the time seems right, to bring a marriage intensive idea up.

It may need to be many months from now because we would be in the same hotel room.  I am very far from that right now.  Great suggestion!
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: barbiedoll on November 08, 2020, 09:21:56 AM
Quote
It may need to be many months from now because we would be in the same hotel room.  I am very far from that right now.  Great suggestion!

When my husband and I attended the Retrovaille weekend for marriages in crisis, we were given the opportunity to choose rooms together or separate. I would imagine other retreats offer the same .
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Zion on November 08, 2020, 09:26:09 AM
Both programs are doing their intensives online via zoom during Covid.



Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 08, 2020, 09:31:49 AM
Good to know Zion and Barbie!  That could move up any timeframe considerably!
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: 9393roo on November 08, 2020, 12:52:26 PM
FJ,  I know in my own case,  an intensive marriage course would cause my H to hightail it out of town.   I would have loved something like this but I do think he was not and is not now (4.5 years in) ready for anything like this.  We have started marriage counseling with an amazing counselor and we are going slow.  This seems like this approach is working for him, actually it is working for both of us.  Taking the time to process what has happened and why it happened.  Learning how to communicate without opening up the wound for either one of us.  These last few weeks I've seen some changes I never thought I would ever see in my H. 

Again, this is my experience and we all are different.  Overall right now I really do think you both need some room to see where this goes.  Pressure from either end can set you both back.  Let go, let God for a bit and see where it takes you.  There is no timeline at the moment.  The best advice I got from here was just to let it be sometimes. 

Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 08, 2020, 01:11:19 PM
Yes! I will just see what happens!  When the time is right we can delve deeper.  I know we need time! 

That is so awesome that you and your h are making strides roo!!!  You are blessed to have a really good counselor!! 
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 09, 2020, 07:01:26 AM
I have been practicing some breathing techniques to try and calm myself as my h draws slowly closer.  Tonight we are meeting up for me to reply to what he said last week. 

I do think some parts of his demeanor are more mature than before.  He’s calm and patient.  A part of me wants to test his patience and see his reaction.  Haha, I said he was more mature, not me😂

Anyways, every time I feel anxious I breath slowly in and out.  It is helping.  Admittedly with him helping out more with the kids it has been nice.  I do see good things about the idea of him being around.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 10, 2020, 12:34:09 PM
It has taken me some time to sort of come to terms with my feelings and accept my feelings.  I think Treasur was right that I was sort of trying to reject my own feelings, really for my family’s sake.

It’s freeing in a way, because I do recognize that my feelings may change, but they are what they are for now. My mind is for becoming closer to my h, possibly reconnecting.  My heart is currently dead set against it.  I have to accept those feelings and sort of honor them.  I have to give myself grace and accept that I am no super hero that can take all sorts of abuse and then on a whim take him back to save my family.  Which I think is what I’ve been trying to do, force my feelings for my kids sake.  So, one day at a time.  One encounter at a time.  Slow to go slower as Ready says.  This is a process and I cannot force it.  It either works out or not.  I’ve sort of had to keep giving myself permission to not chose him.  It’s an inner battle.  I cannot settle, I need love and affection.  I need to be wanted by the person I am with and I am still unsure if he can offer these things.

I am unsure if I can give him those things at this point..

Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Father5 on November 10, 2020, 02:14:45 PM
           HI FJ,

      I have no advice to give you. Just some support and to let you know I am following along. It looks like you have a rough road ahead. I am picturing you ten years from now sitting on your porch having a cup of coffee watching your grandkids playing and saying to yourself " It was all worth it " No matter which way this ends up for you.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Sam I Am on November 11, 2020, 05:25:29 AM
following
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 11, 2020, 09:00:26 AM
Thank you Father and welcome Sam!

We had our first fight in forever.  Which is a good thing, it means he cares on some level.  For most of our marriage we never had a lot of baggage, an argument never lasted and we quickly moved on.  Now, I have all sorts of triggers(of course he’s fine).

We do really well in a family setting recently.  We have always balanced each other well in that way.  I am the one who gets things done and he brings the fun and balance.  I do appreciate that now more than I used to.  So we had a good evening until we got into a disagreement.  Instead of it being small it became large.  This is because of a few things, love covers a multitude of sins and currently I am not there, also I now have triggers. 

So while he’s checking me out and possibly getting a sparkle in his eye for me, I’m much less inclined.  When he does something slightly disrespectful, it brings back the year of hell he put me through(really 2, but monster was 1 year).  When he goes to leave it triggers my abandonment issues.  While I take care of myself he does not take care of himself.

We are in a situation where the roles could easily reverse.  I am trying to be open...
I do know these triggers fade.  I do know feelings also change.  He did text after he left and sort of half way took accountability, but no apology.  I took full accountability for my part, as usual.

I find myself in a situation where the spotlight is on me.  He can easily come back because he has not been betrayed.  I’m the one that has all of these issues.  This never becomes fair to the LBS.  it never stops being a complete sh*t show. 
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Curiosity on November 11, 2020, 09:16:27 AM
FJ, thank you for sharing your process here. By outlining the specific issues that are making you struggle with moving forward, I hope that you are able to find some clarity and healing. Certainly you provide clarity for me (and I imagine for others who aspire to be where you are).

My W and I never fought, generally seemed to have the same life plan, and seemed to fit well together. I provided the stability and kept things running, she provided the fun and spontaneity. We both benefited from it, or so it seemed. But she blew that up and now I am learning to provide my own fun and spontaneity. Is she learning to provide her own stability and keep her life running? Sometimes I think so, sometimes I don’t know. And when we don’t need to seek out those specific things from each other, will we seek each other for them because we like the way that worked? Will we seek each other out for other things? Or will we decide that the baggage of MLC betrayal (and from the MLCer perspective, whatever we “did” that justified their actions) makes a shared path forward too difficult? Is the promise we made and the life we built together enough to get us over the hurdles and allow real trust and love and forgiveness in? These are hard questions and taking it slowly, as you are, seems the only possible path to success.

I think that the absence of conflict is a pretty big red flag in many cases (though probably not always). So the fact that there is conflict, that’s probably a positive sign that you are communicating more openly. As long as conflicts are addressed in a healthy way, probably better to have them than to avoid them.
Title: Re: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: terra on November 11, 2020, 03:18:02 PM
I find myself in a situation where the spotlight is on me.  He can easily come back because he has not been betrayed.  I’m the one that has all of these issues.  This never becomes fair to the LBS.  it never stops being a complete sh*t show.

Hello FJ, just catching up and I adore what Father5 said. That’s good stuff.

It struck me in the above quote that where you say your h has not been betrayed?

He has. Whatever it was, whenever it was, it was bad enough that it came out this long later as a betrayal of you, in your marriage. That’s not to say he gets a pass for anything he did or said or how deeply it hurt you. Just to say that once upon a time, it’s sure he was betrayed too. Discovering or disclosing that vulnerability will probably take a lot of guts, and it doesn’t mean that you suddenly trust him again or forgive right away or fully or maybe even at all. It just means he faces it, which we know can be hard.

The trick is that his stuff isn’t yours to fix, whatever made that marital betrayal happen. He’s got deeper stuff going on and if it’s not the trauma or PTSD from his occupation, it’s probably safe to say it’s childhood or FOO stuff. Like, the root of it has been there a very long time, even before you ever met him.

We all have that kind of stuff, to varying degrees. It’s sad when it comes out so badly and breaks relationship trust, and I’m not sure how any of us restore that. So I do really like what Father5 said, because that vision seems to show that the solutions and eventual repair — of the trust, or marriage, or our own sense of safety or identity — take some time and some gentleness and ;) probably hard work, after which comes the reward, either way. (((HUGS)))
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 12, 2020, 07:38:17 AM
Curiosity, It seems to be common that a certain personality type is the one to have an MLC.  So it’s interesting that yours also was the more laid back one.  I think they are just less likely to work through their baggage.  I am glad that my journaling is helpful.

I think it’s good for people to have many examples of the (possible) reconnection process.  It’s good to know what you’re getting into before you chose it.  It certainly does seem to be a red flag if you never fight.  It’s good for both people to be assertive enough to tell how they feel and what they need.

Terra, Yes Father makes a good point.  The good news is that one way or another this does not last forever, at least not for the LBS.  My h has an FOO issue that is at the heart of this.  His mom had an MLC and abandoned their family.  She was a horrible mom from then until this day.  She did try to return after 2 years, but his dad and the kids all decided no.

He never forgave her or worked through that trauma.  I think mostly because she continued to be so selfish.  Even to this day.  But suddenly after his MLC they were best buds, and she thought it was because I had kept him from her all of these years🙄. 

As far as a betrayal by me, I think I know when the roots took place.  My h had always had me to depend on, but when he deployed he was alone.  I wasn’t there.  He’s told me that when he broke he had to learn to function and live without me(he says he knows that’s not fair to me).  That is when those people became his family and he put a huge wall up between us.  He decided I could not possibly understand what he was walking through.  So I do think that is when the great divide in our marriage came.  Also, he broke from God during this time.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Curiosity on November 12, 2020, 07:45:53 AM
FJ, my W is... complicated (aren’t all MLCers?) She is conflict avoidant, for sure. She struggled to find her career path. She is a bit flighty when it comes to making final decisions and getting the day to day things done. But she is a very high achiever. Top of her class, prestigious schools and training programs even though she too a few detours along the way. It’s this weird mix of unreliable and yet extremely accomplished.

It’s interesting how they perceive some sort of abandonment or betrayal by us, whether it is based in reality in any way or not. Their subconscious needs to justify their betrayal of us, I guess.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 12, 2020, 08:27:52 AM
Curiosity, my husband admitted it wasn’t my fault back at bd, but that he felt the way he felt.  I absolutely think he felt betrayed and alone over there in Afghanistan.  By me, by God, by the world.  Even if I did not personally do anything.

BTW, you just described my husband...

Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Curiosity on November 12, 2020, 08:51:59 AM
You’re right... the MLCer does seem to be a certain type of person. It’s good that even then he could recognize on some level that you weren’t at fault. The interesting thing is that even though, as you said, they are less likely to have worked through their baggage, these high performers also seem to think that they have no baggage, or that it doesn’t affect them, or that they have already worked through it. Funny how we humans are so complicated and so primitive at the same time.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 12, 2020, 09:03:49 AM
Curiosity, yes.

In my husband’s case having an affair(or two), ended up helping him to recognize he was broken.  At the one year point he realized, it wasn’t that he couldn’t love me, he couldn’t love anyone, including himself.

Before that while he said some things about what a great mom I was and how it wasn’t my fault.  He mostly projected, belittled, monstered and blamed.  Though that ended once he realized how broken he was.  At first he seemed to see it at times, but mostly refused to see that he was broken.

One time he told me, I’m trying to protect you from who I am.  Then of course proceeded to hurt me more than anyone on earth ever could.

Yes, he is a high achiever as well(or was) with 170+ employees under him.  He is the CIO at the hospital and also runs 7 clinics.  But he took the long path to get here. 

Yes, I agree.  We are both complicated and primitive.  Myself included. 
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Curiosity on November 12, 2020, 09:16:17 AM
Our spouses are quite similar! My W decided to hide parts of herself from me in order to avoid hurting me... of course, she didn’t know whether they would hurt me or not because she didn’t talk to me about them. She seems at times to recognize that she is broken; she has apologized to me a few times for being a mess, or for being “this person,” or for ruining everything. But when she puts herself out there in the world, she says how much she regrets putting the happiness of others ahead of her own happiness for so long. So I don’t know how much insight is there - seems like she has glimpses of lucidity but continues to look outside herself for a solution to a problem that is internal to her.

It’s amazing how much they say they prioritize protecting us... until the moment they decide to shatter the very foundation of our life. And on some level they recognize what they are doing and have shame about it, but what they project outwardly is almost this idea that they deserve credit for protecting us for so long.

I appreciate the recognition that “complicated yet primitive” applies to us as well, not just the MLCer. We see it in our own crises that occur because of the MLC, but it was always there. And I don’t think it’s a bad thing - we are probably better off learning that if we don’t already know it. I think that real, deep emotions and real, deep connections are found in the primitive parts of us, so we are better off owning and accepting and loving the primitive within us.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 12, 2020, 03:05:43 PM
Yes, exactly.  In trying to protect us they only wall themselves off.  Or my h did.  I would have been better off knowing what he was walking through.  My h often said things like, “you’re better off without me”.  Which as he was, was true.  Because he was so ugly to me. 

I totally agree with everything you’re saying!  I personally admit to being primitive.  I mean I have basic needs that need met.  But, also complicated in other areas:)

Journaling-My h is about to pick me up.  We are finally going to have that conversation where I reply to him.  I had to go out of town and then he got stuck at work one evening. So it was postponed twice.  It’s given me time to calm down a bit. 

So a Funny, not funny story.  I never over drink because I don’t believe in getting drunk.  I did it one time on a girls weekend(on accident) and the night my h and I met for dinner two weeks ago.  I had two drinks instead of one.  I think I just wanted to take the pressure off and relax.  I ended up being very obviously drunk.  He got me home.  I have a small frame and so it doesn’t take much.   It did keep things friendly😂

So, I plan to do better tonight.  I certainly don’t want to make unwise choices with my h.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 12, 2020, 07:01:11 PM
Well, we met.  He is a far cry from my old husband and currently not someone I want much to do with.

He is a shell of a person and man.  There is not currently enough of a person to have a real adult relationship with.  I don’t have much to say.  I will either tell him to start the d in January or I will wait another year here. 
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Standing Strong on November 12, 2020, 08:46:24 PM
Hi FJ,

I'm sorry he's still broken. Not surprising, he's still early.
Can you describe what he's like? Just curious.

Is it like he's trying to crawl back? Or something different?

Praying for ya.

-SS
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Treasur on November 13, 2020, 01:33:42 AM
I'm sorry, FJ.
If it is any small comfort at all, from reading other stories here, this is how it seems to be. They come back broken.

Out of interest, why would you not file for divorce in January if you decide that is the best choice for you and the kids? (Not criticising, just wondering) And if you stay another year, do you have a goal in that which is about more than waiting? And actually what would you be waiting for?

But I'm sorry. It's a sad thing (once we stop focusing on just how we feel lol) to see what these MLC spouses become. And sad to realise how little we can do about any of it. And you sound tired, so a hug from here xxx
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 13, 2020, 04:58:16 AM
Standing, He’s broken, a shell of a person, easily offended, grouchy, and hardened.

Treasur, well if I stick around it would be just to have another year where I have help.  There is a difference between wanting to be married to him as a person and waiting to file because of the benefits the marriage brings to the kids and I.  Things like healthcare and $$.  Also, things are a lot easier on me now than they will be.  For instance, I live very affordably, the base fixes everything for me and they do landscaping.  The kids get to go to Christian school, we love our church and the kids have a dad around.  Also, if I need help he helps me with the kids.  For instance on Friday and Saturday night my daughter will need picked up at 10pm from a church event.  I am dropping her in the mornings, he is getting her in the evenings.  He is more and more helpful.

That said I am waiting to see what happens with my parents.  They may be moving closer to town.  They may sale the ranch and the lake house and get a beautiful property on 25 acres near town. 

If they do I would have more incentive to leave.  Also I could temporarily transition in their guesthouse.  A part of me does want to see what happens with him in the next year.  He has made great strides and yet needs more time.  Obviously if I stayed, it wouldn’t be for that, but it couldn’t hurt.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: 9393roo on November 13, 2020, 06:42:36 AM
I’m sorry FJ,  he really is still broken and may be for a long time.  I do understand where you are coming from as I have been here many times.  When my H started to turn back to me after OW withdrawal 2.5 years ago I thought we were going to be able to put everything back in it’s place.  God had other plans.  My H has spent the last 2 years cycling and I have spent the last two years trying to make things the way I wanted them to be.  I was often hurt and disappointed.  It wasn’t until I truly let go and let him go that things started to change.  They changed not in the way I thought they would though and we are currently trying to figure out a new marriage. 

The marriage that you had, the life that you had is gone.  I grieved the loss of this life in so many stages.  I grieved the loss of the man I adored along with it.  I see glimpses of the old him mixed in with the new now.  Honestly I think what was holding him back from moving forward was me.  I wanted things a certain way and he was not the same.  It takes so much time it really does. And it will change you both.

I know having 4 children at home adds a whole new element to your situation.  You have to make decisions for the 5 of you and that must be very difficult.  If you can give it a year like you planned and it is not doing damage to the kids you may not have anything to lose. 

No expectations is going to be the biggest part of your year.  You sound like a planner, I was too.  Always thinking of my future and making plans for how I wanted things to be.  One big thing MLC and Covid have done for my life is to let go a little more and realize I don’t have all the control I thought I did.

I’m sending you so many hugs this morning.  I see a little of myself in you 2 years in.  I wanted answers, I wanted a plan.  I still don’t have either but I have a life I’m loving and a peace in my heart. 

If you have a year, let go and are what happens.  It may not go the way you planned, but it may go to something better that you can work with. 

Wishing you peace in your heart. 

Roo
Title: Re: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: terra on November 13, 2020, 07:52:01 AM
FJ, chiming in with hugs and seconding wishes for peace in your heart,

No matter what you choose or do, it may be just true that we fluctuate sometimes day to day. I know it’s hard and sad and sort of mystifying to see how our spouses are different from who they were, and I don’t know what to say about that. No wisdom or advice from me, I’m just here feeling it too.

I love that your folks may be moving to good property near you. That sounds like a real blessing.

On the benefits of staying married and staying on base — I know there are many and also that some of the benefits may be available to you otherwise and outside, too. Mostly I chimed in today because I want you to know that Christian schools may often have Christian scholarship or “in need” programs, for families that might not otherwise be able to afford tuitions and etc.

My sister and her h had their kids through Christian schools all the way through, and have covered the annual education expenses for two other students as well. I was floored and kind of embarrassed when I learned about that; I had no idea such schools had such programs, or that anyone was so willing and generous with that kind of money. But some schools do, and some people are.

If you want your children to have specifically Christian education, just know that God will provide.

When D was young, I really wanted her to have a Catholic education, because I trusted the quality, the Spirit, and the community of that particular school. Her dad fought against it, though, and she went to a select small school that wasn’t private or faith-established. They had the right spirit though, and her education there was stellar. She goes to public high school now and it’s a different experience, and it’s known that the students from our original school are ...I don’t know how to say it. Just that there are schools whose intent and approach is to cultivate the whole student, with a spirit of community and care and positive values. They may not be faith-based but you may find that there are a lot of Christians working their faith in plain secular language so as not to stigmatize or turn off any family or student who might be reflexively faith-avoidant, for any of the reasons some people are.

All that to say, whatever decisions you make, let Him guide and go before you, and you know it will be good. Even if it is not exactly what you want or had planned, and even if it takes time or hindsight, I am pretty sure that when you look back on the decisions you’ve made, it will make sense and you’ll see why it was like that then, and how it is all for the good.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 13, 2020, 01:44:59 PM
Thank You Roo!  I’m currently leaning that way.  Just stay a year and see what happens.  I have seen him slowly heal, so a year could go a very long way.  He wants to make it work, it’s just currently he is a hot mess.  So, I really do have little to lose by staying.  We will see!

Terra!  Thank you for the hugs and well wishes!  Both fortunately and unfortunately we make too much money for assistance, but paying for several kids in private school would cost a small fortune.  I’m sure it will all work out!  Leaving it in Gods hands!

Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Curiosity on November 13, 2020, 02:28:20 PM
FJ, I am very much deferring to you and to those like Roo who have dealt with and are continuing to deal with reconnection with a still-broken spouse. My W is still in the touch-and-go stage, so she is both broken and inconsistent about wanting to be connected to me.

Having said that, I was inclined to say that sticking it out for a year, given that it’s already something you’re considering, makes a lot of sense. You have done well with detaching and building a life that need not include your H. Knowing that, and knowing you have a life plan no matter what happens with him, it’s a balancing act between letting time and your respective self-work heal you and your H, versus delaying the decision another year. Sounds like there are few real, permanent negatives in waiting a year, and if you are comfortable setting boundaries and taking things slowly, there are some potential positives in seeing what the year brings. You have managed this whole thing admirably and I have no doubt you have enough wisdom that whatever you choose to do will be right for you and your family.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: PJ Ames on November 13, 2020, 07:56:37 PM
FJ. I have absolutely no advice for you, since you're in a situation far different than anything I experienced. But I do want to chime to let you know that I'm still following along and still cheering you from afar.

Did I read correctly that your birthday was Nov. 2? That's my birthday! (although mine came over a decade before yours).
Title: Re: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Songanddance on November 14, 2020, 03:40:16 AM
Well, we met.  He is a far cry from my old husband and currently not someone I want much to do with.

He is a shell of a person and man.  There is not currently enough of a person to have a real adult relationship with.  I don’t have much to say.  I will either tell him to start the d in January or I will wait another year here.

Sorry FJ - but this is still the early phase of his journey - it may be that if there is no OW he is more of a wallower but if he is someone you do not want much to do with then you have to do what is right for you.   Have no expectations of him becoming a real adult for more than a year - this is a loonnnng process.

Having had a Clinger and replayer stay at home MLCer I fully get the either D or stick around for another year dilemma.  It does become a financial decision for some of us.  H and I have been in reconnection (technically speaking) for 2 years but it is clear that we are just room mates - he doesn't want the commitment.   

I have stood for a whole host of reasons and standing is always a daily choice.   Only you will know why it is important you decide to do what you decide to do. 
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 14, 2020, 06:02:59 AM
Thank You Curiosity!  I’m certainly new to this change with my h as well.  One day at a time.

PJ!  Hey!  I hope things are still well for you in your new state!  My bd was Oct 27.  Happy belated birthday too you!!!  Thank you for the cheering section😊

Song, Yes he is still early on.  He did cheat the first year and I have no clue about this last year, however none of the signs have been there for anyone serious.  He was very high energy replay the first year, but I don’t think he does much these days.  I appreciate the insight!  These situations are not easy to navigate, that is for sure!
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 14, 2020, 09:24:55 AM
I’ve been thinking, really considering what I want for my life.  For my spouse.  It really is a lifestyle choice as much as it is anything. 

A few thoughts.  I may be able to love my current h, but will I adore him....  Will I eat up our time together and have passion for him.  Will he be my best friend again. 

We had that kind of marriage together and I’m not willing to have less.  Also, will he have those feelings for me.

My husband has chosen a career that moves us around the country.  So choosing him is choosing that.  We move every 3/4 years.  Also, he is not an outdoors man, and I enjoy those things.

So once all of the emotion is stripped away, a lot comes down to what life do you want to live and who do you want to share it with.  Over the next year I plan to figure that out.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Seahorse on November 22, 2020, 06:45:59 AM
Finding -
Let us know how you're doing.
You were struggling with some real and deep questions recently.
How goes it?
Hugs
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 23, 2020, 05:52:42 PM
Sea, I hope all is well! 

Journaling-My husband talking about us possibly getting back together caused me to really have to dig deep.  I had to figure out how I feel and what I want.  It was a bit of a roller coaster ride.

What I figured out is, no, I do not want him as is.  I’m not saying no forever.  Just no until or if he does more work.  He is not currently someone who should be dating anyone.  He is not a whole person.

So while I’m willing to let him come around a bit to get to know each other, any romantic involvement is a very long ways off, if ever.  I let him know my requirements for us to ever try to work things out on the 2nd meeting(coffee).  He is not there.  He did not say no, but it’s obvious.  I told him I would need full repentance, for Him to have God first, full transparency, boundaries with other woman and open communication.

I do not want to even try to work things out without these things.  Mostly because I know who I am and what I want in life.  I want someone with my same beliefs, character and life philosophy.  If that is not him, then he is no longer for me.  I need to be able to trust him and I do not currently. 

So, I’m not necessarily leaving.  I may stay next school year, in fact it’s likely.  However something has lifted.  I have let go on a new level.  I feel free.  For the first time in all of this, he is not the only one choosing to be separated, to possibly divorce.  I am not choosing him either.  There is quite frankly nothing to chose currently.  The only thing I could possibly do to save the marriage is nothing.  I could just wait to file for yet another year to see who he becomes in this next year. 

But, I do feel free from it all.  Really ready to move on.  Time will tell...

Our divorce care group had a party the other evening.  It was so much fun.  Maybe about 30 men and women.  I have been feeling so much more like my old self and that party was sort of a picture of where I’m at.  I laughed and joked around.  It felt really good.  It’s been a long time since my more bubbly personality came out.  Maybe I am beginning to embrace single life, without the dating that is. 

My h is coming for Thanksgiving.  He is bringing the turkey and gravy.  We will be playing games and eating as a family.  The awesome thing is, it won’t bother me.  Last thanksgiving we all had a great time and that hurt me.  It hurt me to pretend we were a happy family.  Now, I’m not pretending we are a happy family, I am able to be me and be happy without him, even if he is present.  Now, I am much more detached and really currently feel nothing for him.  I have grieved the loss of my husband, he is dead, or the person I love(d) is dead.  This person is simply not him.  I guess we will possibly see if future him and future me are a fit. 

If he had come back like the prodigal son, we would be together.  He is simply not there yet.  He was coming back because he doesn’t want to lose his kids, not for me or our life together.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: 9393roo on November 23, 2020, 06:08:25 PM
Welcome to the next level of detachment FJ!  It is truly freeing indeed.

You sound good and grounded and know what you want . You are kind, you are honest, and you are moving forward.  Good for you!   

Hugs, Roo.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Curiosity on November 24, 2020, 08:03:18 AM
FJ, I love this update! I think... or maybe I hope... that when an LBS gets past all the cycling and spiraling and constant observing of the MLCer, this is the next step, this ability to truly detach and to dig deep and really be honest with yourself about what you want and need in your life.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 24, 2020, 03:04:35 PM
I appreciate it ladies!  It is emotionally freeing.  I wish I could say the repercussions of his actions did not still weigh heavy on me.  Those unfortunately are here to stay. 

Have a Happy Thanksgiving Holiday!
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: OffRoad on November 25, 2020, 07:46:35 AM
That was a lovely update and I am so happy you have reached a place where you feel more free. The captain of your own ship, rudder intact. Able to go where you choose.

I look forward to reading how the next year goes, wherever it ends up.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 26, 2020, 09:33:02 PM
OffRoad, Thank You 😊

Journaling, Today is a national holiday in America(Thanksgiving).  My h brought the turkey and gravy.  He came around 11:30am and left at around 7pm. 

It’s such a weird place to be because we are both equally detached, possibly in the same place in our journey for the first time.  If you think of an x and us meeting at the intersection.  Neither of us quite pulling the trigger on a d and yet unsure we want to work things out. 

I cannot say his reasonings.  For me the top three to wait to pull the trigger has been my marital vows, the kids, and the forever implications divorce has on future generations.  There are smaller reasons as well.

The detachment makes things very easy, no expectations, just dinner and games.  No hidden meaning or hidden hopes that it will lead to something more.  We had no drama or issues.  We did laugh some and play games with the kids.  I would say it went well, but no real connection between us.  No stolen looks or flirty behavior.  I want that.  I want to be wanted.  I don’t want to settle, or feel invisible. 

When we went around the table and spoke about what we were thankful for, I was more vague and said family, he said his 4 kids.  It’s a thousand little things that scream, he does not want me, love me, or respect me, but currently those feelings are very mutual....

I think for me I am just trying to keep in mind that feelings change, that he has come so far and that at some point a long time ago we had a good marriage.  So I’m trying to be more neutral.  Trying to not just write him off completely.  Trying my best to be patient.

There are two sides to my coin, the side that is so incredibly done and ready to move on with someone else.  Then the side that recognizes just how many repercussions there will be if we don’t work things out, causing me to keep choosing to try to stay here.  It goes through my mind many times a day to just leave, but then I remember all of the negative repercussions.  When I mentally think it through every single time I know I need to stay, it’s a battle of the mind versus the heart.  The thing is, I know hearts change.  I know that if he keeps healing and becomes a good guy again that I could love him again.  I know that to have a lifelong marriage you will have some extremely low lows and high highs.  So I keep trying to ignore my heart.  My heart that wants love now, that wants to be seen now.  That wants acknowledgment and to be accepted warts and all.

The thing is, it’s easier for me to picture that with someone new at this point.  Easier to accept a new persons flaws and weaknesses than his.  Easier to love, respect and cherish a new love interest. 

But...I don’t necessarily think easier is better.  I do believe in doing hard things if we are called to them.  After all I did homeschool my kids for 10 years, that is no easy task.  I told God that I would wait 3 years, it has been 2 years and 1 month.  So due to circumstances I am unsure if that 3 years will be here in FL, because he may not even be here.  But I will do my very best to keep my heart open a crack for the next 11 months.  I will not move on with a new person for the next 11 months.  Yes, I am counting down...

He is a thousand times better than 2 years ago, and still so far short of who I want or need in a husband.  It’s so much more difficult when your feelings are no longer there.  I need him to be charming, funny, witty, into me...  I need these things for me to be into him, or something.  Something from the list.  It would also help if he were taking better care of himself.  There is just currently no there, there.  He killed the there.  He killed our relationship.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Curiosity on November 26, 2020, 10:08:56 PM
FJ, Thanksgiving for so many of us is about family and connecting with those you love. I am new enough to this that this is my first Thanksgiving post-BD, though my W was in crisis last year and I just didn't know it yet. Their MLC has thrown a wrench into what we thought family was supposed to be, and has destroyed many of our understandings about connections. I have not reached the level of detachment that I need in general, but I had been coming along pretty well. And yet... there are things about my W today that wouldn't bother me most of the time, and they just made me a little bit tired of this. They just made me feel like I deserve better than this. And in my mind it's the holiday triggering my expectations around family and tradition.

Seems like the best thing we can do in this whole process is to live our lives in a way that is consistent with our own values, and take care of our own well-being (and that of the children, for you and others who have them). And recognize that holidays and milestone dates will probably trigger us in some ways. But you seem to have been going about all of this in an extremely thoughtful and wise way. Thank you for sharing your story with all of the nuances that come during this journey.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on November 27, 2020, 05:56:28 AM
Hello,

I am really amazed at your mindset. Back in the day, had my ex offered to come back, I would have jumped at the opportunity. Like you, I placed a lot on my vows to God and the idea of keeping my family together.

It didn't happen, but I am in a relationship with someone who I do desire and want. That will be up in a couple of hours and we will go shop and do our errands. A person that I flirt with and banter back and forth with throughout the day. Someone who is really special in my life.

I don't know what my life would have been with my ex had we stayed together. A lot of trust was gone and though I think I could have made it past the affair, reading the posts of those that have reconciled, it is a huge hurdle to overcome. The knowledge that she did it to me once, she can do it to me again is a hard thought to get past.

The one thing is that I have had seven years since the divorce and over a decade since bomb drop to ponder all of this and you have had just a little over two years since bomb drop. I think you are using your head and heart in the right ratios and this will help guide you as you turn to GOD for the final path that you choose.

Keep moving forward and take care of your children. Just make sure to listen to that little voice in your head. I find when I ignore it, things don't go so well.

Have an awesome weekend,

((((Ready)))

Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Treasur on November 27, 2020, 05:59:30 AM
I agree with others, FJ, that you seem to be approaching this with a very healthy head vs heart balance. Which tbh is quite an achievement, as Ready says, in the first couple of years.  :)
Title: Re: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: marvin4242 on November 27, 2020, 06:42:15 AM
FJ: as everyone else has said you are in such a balanced place so early in this process. Your clarity into what you want and your understanding is so powerful and should guide you well as you navigate what YOU need and what YOU want.

I only wanted to add one thought. It may be that as you have detached and stopped reacting to your Hs behaviour you may be experiencing a little bit of a pendulum swing away from him. If you, like most of us, in the early days were busy trying to make things ok, or help our spouses, etc, then you may have pushed away the hurt, pushed away all the things you deserved to have but were not getting. And maybe as you have fully detached those parts of you now have space to breathe and fully register.

If that is the case then you may find with more time, and as you allow yourself to truly own and feel those parts, you may gain more capacity to maybe one day love your husband, assuming he does manage to get through all this and do his own work. I guess what I am saying is you will probably find clarity of whether you are truly moving away, or is this a pendulum swing, by staying with where you are a little bit longer. Which is your plan anyway.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 27, 2020, 07:42:41 AM
Curiosity, The holidays do have a way of throwing our emotions around don’t they?!  I actually wonder sometimes if people just don’t talk much about just how crazy they were that first year after bd, or if I was way worse than others.  I can say, it just felt like death.  My heart goes out to you being so new in the journey♥️.  When the rose colored glasses come off it really does change things.  Love and Grace covers a multitude of sins in a relationship.  So the more we detach, the more we see them as they actually are.  If they are currently not so great, it does begin to become difficult, or has for me. 

Treasur, thank you!  Your words are always an inspiration!

Ready, You know, I am thankful that I am detached enough that I will not take him back at any cost.  I am thankful to be healed enough that I also care about myself and who I spend the next 40 years with is not set in stone at this point.  The fact is, actions have consequences and sadly those consequences are currently that he has lost my respect among other things.  I do read the Bible regularly and it does not give a requirement for a wife to respect their husband if that respect is earned.  We are to give respect to our husband regardless.  That said, in my eyes he broke our marital vows when he cheated and left.  So I am currently withholding any feeling for him until I know he can be trusted with my valuable jewels.  My heart, my trust, my respect, my friendship.

Marvin, part of the post for Ready is also my reply to you.  I completely agree.  The thing is, I am protecting myself.  I am withholding my heart because it is not safe with him.  He will have no part of me until he can be trusted with the tender care of what makes me, me.  I do recognize this.  My heart is in a box and he is not currently someone I trust enough to allow near it.  The pendulum swinging is probably exactly right.  The thing is though, he has to do a lot of work before he is someone I will want.  I will not chose him solely out of marital responsibility any longer.  While all of those connections help(kids, vows, finances), we are back at first date status emotionally.  The thing is, he still doesn’t get past that first date where I want a 2nd at this point.  He is so selfish, unemotional, boring, shallow, and lacking in self care.  That’s just where I’m at.







Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Seahorse on November 27, 2020, 08:33:56 AM
Joy -
Following along.
I think you've gotten some great advice and thoughts from Treasur, Ready and Marvin (no surprises there).
I also think you've gotten to a very stable place in your head and your heart.
Trusting God is key to allow this to play out in His great scheme of life.
As Ready said - always listen to that little voice and you won't go wrong - IF you've placed your trust in Him.

Keep up the great work.
Keep guarding your valuables...

Sea
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on November 27, 2020, 10:16:38 AM
Thank you Sea!  Yes, trusting that God has good things either way.  I am trying to do my part by staying in His will and plan.  It is a hard balance for sure.  I know that if my h submitted his will to Christ’s will and put God first I could trust him with my heart.  Unless or until that occurs, I will protect my heart from him.  For me that part is black and white.  If he is not right with God, I flat out will not chose him.  Though I am waiting not so patiently to give him time...

I just don’t want to spend my days with someone who does not have my same beliefs and value system.  I also believe in more traditional roles where the man is the Spiritual and physical leader.  He cannot lead where he has not been.  At Thanksgiving he had my 15 year old lead the prayer.  An obvious sign of where he is.  I also used to spend a lot of time serving, we always shared that bond.  Over the years we have done so much volunteer work together.  We’ve run many different departments and programs for the church.  That, our faith and family is what held us together.  Without that tie of faith and serving, it only leaves the kids.  They won’t be kids forever and I cannot chose him solely based on them.  I think if I did in 10 years I would be the one running away because my needs were not met. 

Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Seahorse on November 27, 2020, 10:34:48 AM
Joy -
I whole-heartedly agree about faith being a necessary cornerstone in my next relationship or reconciliation if that were to unlikely occur.

You're doing the right thing, and you're doing great.
It's difficult, and I can't even imagine with smaller children...
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on January 20, 2021, 12:52:01 PM
It’s been a minute since I’ve posted!  It’s been 2 years and 3 months since my bd and life has been really good lately!  The best thing that could have happened for me in my healing was for my h to try to come back(a few months ago), but still not be a great guy.  It gave me the chance to have some skin in the game and realize as is, I just don’t want him.  Every since then he has been in my past.

Not to say I’m fully closing the door if he suddenly becomes a good guy.

So there is sort of someone I talk to.  We have known each other since childhood and we rekindled our friendship after his wife left him last year.  We are just friends.  Well, we are definitely not in a relationship because neither of us wants that for awhile, but we are maybe becoming a bit more than friends.

Things really started changing in our friendship whenever I told my h I didn’t want to get back together.  Something just clicked and I moved on emotionally from my h.  That is when our friendship sort of started changing.  He lives in TX, so we have only seen each other when I visit TX.  That has kept any physical contact from happening, thankfully, because that changes things.  Anyways, I would say he and I have become one another’s closest friend. 

It’s weird because I haven’t let myself get too attached, I’m unsure where life will lead me.  He is in my same situation, he needs time to heal.  But at the same time, if the timing worked out, he could easily be someone I ended up with.  We spent the holidays together because his family and my family are so close.  We grew up together and have always spent the holidays together.  It’s becoming a thing I guess, but very slow and steady.  We both got left by our spouses. 

I guess what will be, will be.  The nicest thing about it so far is that we are both in the same place.  We want time to focus on ourselves and our growth without all that comes with a relationship.  Yet, we both want a relationship in the next year or so...
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Standing Strong on January 20, 2021, 01:21:26 PM
FJ!!

I had been wondering what was going on with ya.  :D

Exciting things  ;D

Very happy for you...... you sound AMAZING.
So the emotions finally clicked when you took control and said no.... very cool. Makes a lot of sense.

Wow, someone from your childhood AND had the same experience. Funny how things just "magically" turn out. Like it's not magic at all.  ;)

Really happy for you.

-SS
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Curiosity on January 20, 2021, 02:53:26 PM
FJ, thanks for updating! You sound really good, really detached from your MLCer and focused on your own life and journey and needs. And the way you are approaching this potential new relationship is measured and wise and healthy (on your part as well as his). After the struggles of dealing with an MLCer, I’m sure that a real, healthy, grown-up relationship feels refreshing.

It seems like your story is a perfect example of how in many cases, ultimately it is the decision of the LBS as to what the outcome of the relationship will be after MLCer drops the bomb. And what really matters is that you are healing, moving forward with your life, and doing it in a way that feels right for you.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: HeavenlyFocus on January 20, 2021, 04:15:05 PM
FJ,

Sounds like the right approach to just enjoy the relationship and let things play out over time.  So happy for you as you move forward with your life.

Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Treasur on January 20, 2021, 06:21:17 PM
That all sounds like good news, FJ, and it is lovely to hear your update. There is something important about being at peace with your choices that makes a real difference, isn't there? Regardless of how any new relationship works out, reaching that spot allows you to plan your own future with an entirely different mindset. I suspect this will not be so true for your h but that will be his cross to bear.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: PJ Ames on January 20, 2021, 09:35:41 PM
Good to hear from you FJ. I was starting to wonder what was up with you!

It's good to have a friend, isn't it? Especially someone who understands what you've gone through and are going through. I'm in a situation where I'm seeing someone who lives about an hour away. We see each other a couple times a week, but we talk on the phone a lot. This allows us to work on aspects of our relationship that we wouldn't do if we were in the same room.

Really happy for you. You've come a long way in a short time. Life is good!
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on January 21, 2021, 07:32:02 AM
Thank You SS for your kind words!  They mean a lot coming from you:). You have given me so much wisdom and encouragement through pm’s in the past.  I appreciate it!

Curiosity!  Yes, exactly!  A real grown up relationship with someone who actually cares about me and uses his big boy words;). Goodness the bar is low😂.

Treasur-I have learned so much in the last two years about detachment, not pursuing, loving and valuing myself and recognizing myself as the prize.  I am truly thankful for those lessons and how they will help in any relationship going forward!

PJ, It has been a huge blessing that he is not right here physically.  It would have made waiting on a relationship out of the question.  It’s been so nice being able to sort of rediscover myself and someone else in the safety of a very close friendship.  We have this sort of patience, grace, mercy and even love(more like the love of Christ right now), that seems to cover over so much.  A transparency that might not be possible if we were dating.  We both feel very safe and cared for.  I have learned I have a trigger I didn’t have before and he has learned the same. 

Mine is, if he gets too close I tend to push him away.  But, now I recognize that’s what I’m doing.  Of course I’m scared of getting hurt.  So I am guarding my heart. 

Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on January 21, 2021, 10:53:49 AM
Hello,

Quote
Treasur-I have learned so much in the last two years about detachment, not pursuing, loving and valuing myself and recognizing myself as the prize.

That is the key. That you are the prize and to love and value who you are as a person.

Quote
Regardless of how any new relationship works out, reaching that spot allows you to plan your own future with an entirely different mindset.

This is the critical because you reached a point where you are open to any outcome and able to live with those outcomes. You are in a better place because you hold the power, you can make choices and it changes everything.

I hope everything continues to move forward with you and your children.

((((Ready))))
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Father5 on January 21, 2021, 12:29:10 PM
Hi FJ,

So wonderful to hear from you !  The new beau seems like quiet the find. You seem excited and happy and I am so glad to hear that. I am anxiously awaiting an update in a few months. :) 
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Seahorse on January 22, 2021, 04:19:57 PM
Joy -
Great reading your update.
Keep us apprised on how it’s going, and I’m proud of you for seeing your trigger and working through it.

Sea
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on March 11, 2021, 08:26:43 PM
Thank you Ready, Father and Sea:)
It’s been a couple of months since my last post.  I’ve noticed a change in myself in the last couple of weeks.  Almost like the final puzzle piece is in place for my healing.

I for the most part feel whole.  I feel complete again.  I have joy and laughter.  I mean don’t get me wrong, I will be dealing with the repercussions of his actions for years to come because I am raising 4 kids alone.  But, emotionally I am in a really great place.

My h on the other hand looks like he may be near rock bottom.  He doesn’t have much of a life and always seems to have health issues.  He has been pretty friendly lately and I do think there is potential for him to get through this.  He is steady and consistent, he does seem to be making very gradual progress.  Whether we are together or not, his healing is good for the kids.

I’m still really close with that guy from TX.  We will call him brown eyes.  We talk and text constantly and definitely flirt and tease.  Still staying in friend zone, though admittedly it sort of feels like a relationship.  The good news is neither of us has expectations.  We are keeping it fun and will likely do so for some time. 

We do share everything with one another.  We cry, we laugh, we giggle, but we both have a wall up.  We just aren’t ready.  It’s really nice to be on the same page because he is definitely marriage material and I’m not ready for all that.  If either of us applied pressure the other would bolt:). Yet, somehow we seem to be very slowly inching deeper and deeper without either of us trying to.

He has 3 kids.  His youngest is 2 and oldest 12.  He is planning a trip here with some of my family this summer.  I am headed on a trip to TX kid free in April and we will be hanging out quite a bit.  He is an awesome guy, but I won’t be falling for him anytime soon.  Though, if I let myself it would be easy to do so.  He is incredibly caring and attentive to my every need.

It’s odd because on the one hand he is becoming this very important part in my life, on the other hand I feel detached.  I don’t want to get too close until things are completely settled with my h.  I committed to wait for 3 years before closing the door on him.  It’s been almost 2 1/2.  He does seem to be softening up some, but his progress is slow and honestly I’m just so over him and everything he has put us through.  I’m unsure I have the capacity to take him back, even if he were repentant.  It just feels like my wounds are healed and he’s in my past.

That said, I’m still here.  I could have moved to TX and I haven’t yet.  I plan to stay through 2021.  That’s all I have to give.  I haven’t left the state and I haven’t filed.  I feel strong.  I feel like my life is in front of me and it will all work out how it’s supposed to.

I have forgiven, but the leap to reconciliation is a long one.  I do believe he will likely (50/50) try to come home in the next 6 months based on the changes in him.  I’m just not sure the door will be unlocked. 
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: UrsaMajor on March 12, 2021, 12:52:53 AM
All I can say FJ is that it is VERY difficult, (if not impossible) to really consider/work on reconnection/reconciliation if there is another iron in the fire... 

At the same time, when we reach the point of "done," we are done....

Edit later: Just so it doesn't come across like I am being judgemental regarding Mr. Texas... I am not... It took my xW nearly 4 years to go from separation to finalizing her D because of her dragging her feet and in the last 2 years, I dated and even had a 1 year relationship. In the end it didn't work out but there was no animosity or hard feelings at all.  However, I was past the point of "done" by that time so there was no longer any hope of or desire for reconciliation as my xW was bound and determined to get her D, no matter what...

I personally see for me that, if I had been hoping for a reconciliation (which was one reason that my 1-year R broke  off - the lady in question thought I was secretly harbouring a flame for my ex), a real relationship would have been doomed from the start.

I guess what I am trying to say is to be VERY wary of burning the candle at both ends because, at some point, the flame meets in the middle and will burn you....

(https://media.giphy.com/media/RJ7Uf8jOxgLtK/giphy.gif)
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Treasur on March 12, 2021, 01:23:39 AM
Glad to hear that you are feeling in a good place, FJ.
And of course, none of us would begrudge any LBS finding happiness in a new friendship. Having said that, as you probably know, it may influence your perspective so going very slow is best. Just as UM says bc he is a very wise bear  :)
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on March 12, 2021, 04:57:39 AM
Yes, I definitely feel like I am in a no win situation.  He knows that if my husband came back repented that I would really consider taking him back.  We talk about how up in the air each one of our lives are.  How we don’t know what the future holds. 

There would be no animosity on either side if the other moved on.  It’s a weird in between situation.  We became close in our grief, but I would want us each to be completely healed before thinking relationship.  His divorce is final, but he needs more time to heal.  I feel pretty healed, but my divorce is not final.

At the same time if my divorce goes through I could see us getting serious and since we are so close things would move quickly.  I am pretty open to the future.  I’m not sure what will happen, but all options are on the table.  I’m not stuck on an outcome. 

We haven’t held hands or gone there.  That said, if I let my guard down I will fall hard and fast...
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Treasur on March 12, 2021, 05:47:07 AM
The other thing that occurs to me about Mr Brown Eyes is that you said, I think, that his youngest is 2 and he is an LBS too? So that suggests his BD was probably just a couple of years ago max? You know, and we know, how long it can take to shuffle your emotional ducks in a row after this kind of life experience......and there are, what, six kids in total in the mix.....so these are two good solid reasons to go very, very slowly indeed for both of you. Jmo.
Title: Re: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: marvin4242 on March 12, 2021, 05:54:34 AM
FJ: thanks for the update and you sound pretty good all things considering. I am so happy for you that you are finding yourself moving forward and you sound so clear and aware of your needs. To me it sounds like you are both cautious but not halted, and that you are still deciding.

I have been in similar situation with a person who had similar needs and wants, and has been fully aware of what has been going on. I think its great that the two of you can openly discuss where you both are, any concerns and seem on the same page. Friends or more, either way this is a rare thing to find in my opinion.

And at the end of the day we each have to decide what is right for us. I have been following your thread and I can tell you have been both serious and committed to trying to work things out. But as so many always point out we can only control ourselves, take care of ourselves, decide for ourselves. Your H will have to find his own way. And just because he does doesn’t mean you will have the willingness or ability to want him back. The egg can’t be unscrambled. I think its already such a generous and kind and caring position your shared: if nothing else you want your H to get better and have a good relationship with his kids.

I’ve always found I never know what comes tomorrow. You can only live in today an plan for tomorrow. And to me anyway it sounds like you are firmly there.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on March 12, 2021, 06:11:47 AM
Treasur!  Yes:). Very true!
Marvin, you seem to really get where the situation is. Sort of living in the present with no decisions made or expectations for tomorrow.  We are both 100 percent honest with where we are in the situation.  He knows if my divorce goes through I will not look back.

So I guess time will tell.  We are for now incredibly close “friends”.  That possibly have a future.  Neither in any rush to be more.  But the chemistry and the foundation is there for a real future if we chose it down the road. 
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on March 12, 2021, 07:39:30 AM
Hello,

So good to hear from you. I truly admire your principles and pragmatics. In my experience, I always felt that reconciliation would be magical and we would go on with our marriage and be happy together. That was as much fantasy as my MLCer's true love with her OM. Instead,

Quote
The egg can’t be unscrambled.

The reality is that reconciliation is hard work and there is a lot of resentment on the part of the LBSer in regards to the actions of the MLCer.

Don't get me wrong, the resentment is real and justified. Imagine that the house was on fire and the first thing your h did was save himself. Left you and the kids to fend for yourselves. Wouldn't you be a little bit on the ticked side? That is going to be a very difficult to work out in the future and being honest with your own feelings will prevent both of you from trying to restart a fire using cold iron for kindling.

Quote
Sort of living in the present with no decisions made or expectations for tomorrow.

Yes in regards to your relationship status, but in the end, your children have been your number one priority and still remain your top priority even if it means being alone for years to come.

Quote
Yes, I definitely feel like I am in a no win situation.  He knows that if my husband came back repented that I would really consider taking him back.  We talk about how up in the air each one of our lives are.  How we don’t know what the future holds.

I actually disagree because I think you are in a win for Joy mindset. You don't feel compelled of forced in any direction right now. You have found peace and bliss with yourself and being in a good relationship with someone is viewed by you as a positive add-on not a necessity. You now feel control and choice over your life with or without anyone else. Your own empowerment has led you to a point of being very careful in who you choose to be with. This is not to protect a shattered heart, but because you value yourself and want someone who is worthy of your love.

Good to hear from you and continue to post,

(((((Ready)))))



Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Standing Strong on March 12, 2021, 12:01:11 PM
Very nice update FJ!!

Always good to hear how things are going for you  :D

So you think he's getting to rock bottom..... interesting..... and health problems too? Sheesh, what is it with them and health problems? Just burn up and break down.

-SS
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on March 18, 2021, 07:58:06 AM
Hey Ready!  You always leave me plenty to think about.  Just got back from a trip with one of my girlfriends and our younger kids.  It was nice.

You are so right, my kids will come first!  Every decision I make is for them and with their best in mind.  What you say about being content and having joy alone, I think it is at the heart of why we wait to get into a new relationship.  I value myself enough to not get caught up(too much) in the emotions.  Ultimately I will chose wisely, carefully and in my time.  That is not the case when you are still broken. 

Standing, nice to hear from you!  My h does seem to be getting more and more friendly, but him coming close makes me anxious.  I believe he did hit rock bottom or is there.  I haven’t decided about him yet.  I don’t even know him anymore.  They say you can’t unscramble an egg.  The question is, can you sprinkle some cheese on top and learn to like them scrambled.  Not sure.  Ultimately I value myself to much to settle, so he better be some darn good eggs.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Seahorse on March 18, 2021, 04:20:53 PM
Joy -
You sound great!
I love that you're continuing to work on yourself and putting your and your kids first.
H needs to earn your trust and respect back, then you can consider whether you want to reconnect - either as friends or to eventually reconcile your marriage.  AND it doesn't have to be a decision you make at one time.  You can choose one to see where it goes to possibly end up the other.  The nice thing is that it's your choice and will depend on him and the work he's done, and whether you like cheese with your scrambled eggs...

Good luck and keep up the great work.

Sea
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on April 20, 2021, 05:36:42 AM
Thank you Sea.  So actually that’s exactly what I’m here to discuss.  My h asked to meet me last night.  We have been particularly friendly this last few months, but he hasn’t mentioned our past conversation.

Maybe 4-5 months ago he asked what it would take for us to reconcile.  No repentance, he told me what he would want and asked if I would be interested in laying a foundation and what I would want.  It was really romantic😂😂😂.  I mean no emotion at all from him.

Well, so last night we went out again.  He brought it up again as if we had been in discussions about this last week.  He seemed a bit more sincere towards me and basically took back any requirements on my part.  He also told me what’s going on with his career.

The thing is though, still no emotion.  He did in a round about way bring up cheating and how it takes time to forgive when he talked about his friend cheating.  He has never admitted to cheating himself even though he did.  The evidence is overwhelming.

So I plan to see if he follows through.  It could be months before he does anything.  I also plan to be noncommittal.  We can get to know each other without the kids knowing possibly, but that doesn’t mean I’m in it.  He still has a long ways to go at 2 1/2 years out.  He is still a shell of a person.

It was interesting, he has to move from where he is and kind of mentioned that he thought we had agreed to get to know each other before he moved back in.  Uhm yes.  You aren’t just moving home buddy.  I have to decide if I want you now.

Anyways I will be in prayer and see where it goes.  It’s harder now to consider us getting back together.  It’s not that my heart is set on any one person, but more that I am a part of a single parent group and I have plenty of options.  Also I have that friend back in TX who treats me like gold.  So it’s tough to chose someone who is not professing his love, not repenting, really has few emotions.  Also, he’s really let himself go and I believe I would have to walk on eggshells if we got back together.  Which I’m not planning on walking on.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: UrsaMajor on April 20, 2021, 05:57:41 AM
Reconnection is, just like weathering the crisis, a marathon slog through the mud and it depends mostly on 1) the Mid-Lifers' willingness to accept responsibility for their actions, 2) the Mid-Lifers' willingness to make amends, and 3) the LBS's willingness to stay the course while the Mid-Lifer pulls their head out of their ... fog...

In this case, it sounds suspiciously like an attempt to sweep everything under the carpet and pretend it never happened which, from over here in the cheap seats, sounds more like he is still in the tunnel but not enjoying it anymore and wants to play a "Get Out Of Jail Free" card....

But that is just my interpretation of what I read.... Your mileage may vary.....
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: 9393roo on April 20, 2021, 06:24:50 AM
FJ,  you sound good and grounded.  You have boundaries firmly in place and you are doing the most important thing by protecting your children from further damage.  Keep being you and keep sticking to what feels right.  It’s nice feeling being in the drivers seat of your own life.

Quote
[In this case, it sounds suspiciously like an attempt to sweep everything under the carpet and pretend it never happened which, from over here in the cheap seats, sounds more like he is still in the tunnel but not enjoying it anymore and wants to play a "Get Out Of Jail Free" card.... /quote]


I agree with UM.  I think you see the same thing.  In hindsight I did a lot of carpet sweeping after OW 1.  H came back “kind of”. No repentance, little remorse and not addressing the elephant in the room.  I let us both not tackle the issues sweep it all away hoping it would just go away. All it did was prolong his crisis and add more damage.  Him not able to talk honestly is a red flag.  My H tried to put our old marriage back and I willingly went thinking we could just move forward.  Little do these mid lifers realize that while they were in their crisis, we were getting stronger.  We are not the same spouse they left behind. 

Keep your boundaries, keep your strength.  You are doing all the right things!

Roo
Title: Re: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: marvin4242 on April 20, 2021, 07:23:56 AM
It’s not that my heart is set on any one person, but more that I am a part of a single parent group and I have plenty of options.  Also I have that friend back in TX who treats me like gold.  So it’s tough to chose someone who is not professing his love, not repenting, really has few emotions.

Hey there:

Great update and you still sound so clear and firmly aware of your own needs and wants, and that is so great!

I wanted to quote what you wrote, because this is so valuable as a baseline. It is maybe THE question to ask ourselves once we regain our footing and shift the focus back on ourselves. I know like many initially I was only concerned about trying to "fix" things and one of my own wants and desired were paramount. But truth is whether you decide to reconnect when and if he is ready or not this is the question that we all have to ask. Why would we want to reengage with someone if they never moved passed this point?

I know you are well aware of that, was just underscoring your point.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Acorn on April 20, 2021, 07:53:49 AM
Reconnection is, just like weathering the crisis, a marathon slog through the mud and it depends mostly on 1) the Mid-Lifers' willingness to accept responsibility for their actions, 2) the Mid-Lifers' willingness to make amends, and 3) the LBS's willingness to stay the course while the Mid-Lifer pulls their head out of their ... fog...

Well, said, UM.

If I may add:

To go from ‘willingness’ to translating it into consistent action over a long period of time — more likely years, not months or weeks — is the difficult part.  It needs to become a way of living.  Words are a dime a dozen.  Consistent action would be characterized by MLCer’s deep empathy for the people MLCer hurt and his focus on repairing what he had broken.  It is not about what he wants for himself — he had enough of that during MLC.

‘Consistent action over a long period of time’ has an important prerequisite, in my view.  A tremendous amount of healing needs to take place in both the MLCer and LBS, without which both parties are mostly concerned about self and do not have enough emotional room for each other or relationship building. 

Healing is a long haul project.  Reconnection is a long haul project.

Just sharing my POV.  :)
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Kimber on April 20, 2021, 09:06:54 AM
@Acorn--very well put. Stealing a bit of this and putting in my notes.

That is what triggered me last week at MC--absolutely no contrition. He literally conducts himself like he's the victim. It is the most bizarre thing I have ever witnessed.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on April 20, 2021, 11:09:30 AM
Great input from all of you, really confirming my feelings.  He has this disconnect.  He spoke of us as if we could have a life together and decisions to possibly make.  At the same time on top of lacking emotion or accountability, he didn’t set up our next get together.

I told him I would be willing to hang out and get to know each other again after he asked me to.  It is his night to come over, so we will see if he brings it up.  I’m honestly not sure I have the capacity to take him back, but I’m willing to get to know him.  We were going to be married another year anyways.  I was likely staying here through next summer due to my eldest child.  So I’m going to take the approach of living my life.  Nothing changes for me.  If he gets serious with his intentions and/or actions I will know it.

I could see him possibly taking another 6 months to be sincere enough for me to blink, or nothing at all coming from this.  So, we will see:).  His movement is positive, it has been positive movement forward since the first year.  Very slow, but consistent.  From my perspective he has a lot of progress to make before I would consider anything real.  Also, I will file at Christmas if he doesn’t make significant progress between now and then.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Father5 on April 20, 2021, 04:54:56 PM
You sound great FJ !  Glad to see you update !
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on April 20, 2021, 06:13:03 PM
Well guys.  There was a major difference in his interactions at my house tonight.  He was very engaged with all of us.  He was completely different than he has been with me.  Played with kids.  He did not leave right away at the scheduled time which has never happened.  I found it interesting. 

So, time and consistent behavior will tell the story.  He seems to be blurring lines that were there before.  One of the kids brought up going to his house outside of the normal and he mentioned possibly coming here.  He went in my room and killed a bug.  He tried to make me laugh.  He engaged in conversation.  All things he normally wouldn’t do much of and certainly not all together.  I guess you could say I was surprised tonight.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Standing Strong on April 20, 2021, 07:08:44 PM
Hi FJ  :D

Sounds like a nice night. I'm happy for you, it'll be interesting to see what he does next.

What does "he's let himself go" mean?  ;D LOL!!

-SS
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on April 20, 2021, 07:22:09 PM
Hey Standing, he looks like a completely different person.  When we were together he ate healthy, was well groomed, excercised.  He doesn’t take care of himself in any way.  Put on a ton of weight, raggedy clothes, probably drinks a lot making him look much older.  Just generally unhealthy.

Another interesting thing is he mentioned getting new clothes.  He hasn’t this whole time.
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: PJ Ames on April 20, 2021, 07:51:20 PM
Good to hear from you FJ!  I've been wondering how you were doing. As others have said, you sound grounded and like you're looking at this with both eyes open. Glad you had a good night tonight!

My first impression of your previous post pretty much aligned with what UM said. It sounds like H is not having as much fun as he thought he would and would like to hit Control Z and go back to where things were before. With no consequences to himself. I think you realize that a lack of remorse is a red flag.

Of course, the problem with remorse is that we can't make someone else remorseful. We can't be the Holy Spirit and convict our spouses of their sins,right? So I don't know what to tell you about that other than to keep respecting yourself.

In my case, I was willing to sweep OM1 under the rug since it was "only an EA" and I wanted to believe that W was in some kind of temporary insanity that I could outlast. So I gave her a mulligan. In retrospect, I wish I would have been better at boundaries. I don't know that it would have changed the situation at all, but it would have been healthier for me.

You're doing great, FJ!
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: UrsaMajor on April 21, 2021, 01:38:14 AM
Quote from: Finding Joy
If he gets serious with his intentions and/or actions I will know it

Actions are the key... Consistent, repetitive actions.... ..

As far as "intentions" go  -
Pilot: "Well, I intended to lower the landing gear before I landed the plane.... "
(https://media.giphy.com/media/F2al3urenviSI/giphy.gif)
Title: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: Finding Joy on April 21, 2021, 11:37:39 AM
Thank You Ursa!  Too true!

PJ-You are right and I’m glad several of you reiterate that that is a red flag.  When they try to come back it brings a lot of emotions with it.  Way less than the first time, but still.  Sometimes thoughts get lost in all of it. 
Title: Re: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: marvin4242 on April 21, 2021, 02:02:02 PM
Thank You Ursa!  Too true!

PJ-You are right and I’m glad several of you reiterate that that is a red flag.  When they try to come back it brings a lot of emotions with it.  Way less than the first time, but still.  Sometimes thoughts get lost in all of it.

I know this is obvious, but I wanted to say it: be kind to yourself. Be permissive to yourself. Let yourself feel whatever comes up, and yes I can’t even imagine all the things that may come up. Keep the number one priority you and your kids, and just leave the space for your H to step up if he is ready, willing and able.

Take lots of emotional time and space as you navigate this.
Title: Re: My husband wants to work things out....
Post by: UrsaMajor on April 22, 2021, 02:47:40 AM
I know this is obvious, but I wanted to say it: be kind to yourself. Be permissive to yourself. Let yourself feel whatever comes up, and yes I can’t even imagine all the things that may come up. Keep the number one priority you and your kids, and just leave the space for your H to step up if he is ready, willing and able.

Take lots of emotional time and space as you navigate this.

And, while you are at it..... It's time for a new thread.....

(https://media.giphy.com/media/1wogXz9b7B9pmWR4eM/giphy.gif)

New thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11762.0