Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story Father's Day

5
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 242
  • Gender: Female
My Story Father's Day
OP: June 20, 2020, 06:23:44 PM
Hi there, BD for me was May 2019.  H left on planned annual visit to family on 12/31/2019. He usually returns in a month. We have been married 40 years H is 72 yrs.  I understand H is in the elder crisis but has all of the same Alien responses.  We have 3 adult children D36, D32, S31 and 2 grands B6 mo. and  G2.5 years.  We are/were an extremely close family until BOOM! My children are confused, my son 31 stays in closest contact with his father he will not give up.  H is my son's hero my son recognizes that his father is different and is hurting especially with Father's day tomorrow.  Today my children did a live face call to H.  I heard the call but stayed away.  He was so happy to hear from them and see his grandson.  My kids were happy to see and speak to their Dad but we're very surprised that he was happy like he used to be with the exception he did not ask about me. Wondering what the difference might be.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: June 20, 2020, 06:29:16 PM by 5hilmerton »

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 23779
  • Gender: Female
Re: Father's Day
#1: June 20, 2020, 07:13:00 PM
Hi and welcome 5hil.  I'm sorry to see you here.

It is very unusual for a 72 year old to go into a midlife crisis.  I would think he is past midlife.

Could there be maybe something medically going on with him?
Maybe a little background could help us support you.   Like how long has he been acting different?  Has his personality changed from what it was before?  If so, in what way?
  • Logged
« Last Edit: June 20, 2020, 08:16:03 PM by Thunder »
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

S
  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 6269
  • Gender: Female
  • Strength and honour are her clothing;
Re: Father's Day
#2: June 22, 2020, 04:26:06 AM
Bump

Hi 5hil

I agree with Thunder - 72 is outside the usual MLC bracket. 

Is there an OW? 

If you can give a little more information we can help you with more appropriate guidance.
  • Logged
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

5
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 242
  • Gender: Female
Father's Day
#3: June 22, 2020, 07:39:09 AM
Hello All,
let's see where do I start....to the question is there an OW?  I believe so.  Could this be a  medical issue?  Anything is possible I do believe there is depression.  My story: H and I have been married 40 years.
H was married before and has a D45. H is 13 years older than i, quiet hardworking.  We have been soul mates since we met.  We did everything together he treated me like I was royalty.  And our children D36,  D32, S31 were/are his pride and joy.

 We lost a son to a drowning at 2.5 yrs. he would have been 34.  H never dealt with this loss.  We have moved with our jobs 4 times across the US.  This was hard on the kids and H was by my side to get our children through those trying times.

H is still very handsome and energetic non stop man always working on projects. In 2014 H retired and started going to visit his daughter and family and would stay for two weeks to a month. H would call me mostly every other day as much as possible.  He never liked texting and would not allow our children to text during meals or family time.

In 2019 when H returned from his trip he was a non stop texting maniac morning and evening.  Before he would leave his phone laying around but now it was always with him.  Before he charged his phone in the bathroom now he charged it by his bedside. Before we went everywhere together now it felt like he did not want to be in the same room with me. Did not want me to touch him and would cling to his side of the bed.

May 2019 I said to him "I noticed you came back very angry." To which he replied " I am angry and I don't know why.  I did not want to come back. I don't feel love for you it has been killed " I asked him why he did come back and pretty much the spewing started.  At one point he told my kids and I that something was happening to him he was not sure what, but for us not to worry about it he would control it.  He said to ignore him he was just being an old fool. Then started history rewriting, accusations, and so much more...

I started researching, questioning and truly, thoroughly confused. I was told although the mid life crisis was usually earlier in life studies have shown it can happen in later years although not as common.  My DIL's brother and father are Drs. and my S reaches out to them.  My S called my H Dr. and shared these anomalies of his Dad's behaviour. H just had physical perfect results and takes no medications.

H left Dec 31, 2019 and he sends me a text once or twice a month last text was on Mother's day.  Short but kind no engagement for conversation. Since H left his D was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Lupus and occasionally H does send me updates on her.  My kids did a face with H on father's day and although I was in the other room I heard the call.  He was very happy to see and talk to them.  They were very surprised that he was with scraggly facial hair and his hair not combed since he has always kept himself well groomed.  So there you have it......
  • Logged
« Last Edit: June 22, 2020, 01:00:07 PM by Songanddance »

R
  • *
  • MLCer Type: Vanisher
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 62
  • Gender: Female
Re: Father's Day
#4: June 22, 2020, 08:08:57 AM
Hello and welcome.

You are not alone. 

Welcome to the forum and I am sorry you are here. 

My H turned 68 this year.  In 2014 just before he turned 62 bomb drop happened.  I am 8 years younger than my H. 
Two year previous lots of things happened in our lives and I could see the change in him...just like you mentioned.
he left me for. A woman older than me whom he met when he was 28...they knew each other for 3 days !!!

I believe my H is having a Late Life Crisis.....he is still monstering at times and is totally immature for his years.  H is busy trying to keep old age away....6 days at gym...2-4 hours a day....he is relentless.   I believe he’s running hard,  He’s also the biggest coward since this happened, he has run away to our Holiday Home in another country and is hiding from his family.  He also won’t answer his fone to his two siblings .  he only responds to the odd text from them...as long as it’s not about him, our marriage or our children.

He is a man that won’t and looking back never really has worried much about responsibility...he dumped all that on me lol.  He had good parents and a happy family life,  I do believe it’s an internal struggle he’s dealing with, but this is an exceptionally stubborn man and from what I can see, even though I consider him a Vanisher he will never look within and deal with his issues,  it’s easier to blame everyone else.

Again welcome,   I am sure  Some of the moderators will be along soon to welcome you officially.  The advice on this forum has been so helpful to me.

Ripped.


  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 23779
  • Gender: Female
Re: Father's Day
#5: June 22, 2020, 08:13:49 AM
Well 5hilmer first of all thank you for the information, it helps.

I have to say it sure sounds like a MLC.
The quick change in him, but also a OW is pretty right on target.  Plus loosing a child not that long ago could be the trigger for his crisis.  He doesn't know why he feels different, some confusion there, and rewriting history.

If this is all true and he is in a crisis, he could be in it for a long time, I'm sorry to say.
I would recommend reading the articles on the site, they can be very helpful to get you though this, and having support from others who have gone through this.  There is a lot of wisdom out here.

Are you protecting your finances?  This should be the number one thing you should do because some of these MLCer's can spend money like water, so keep a good eye on everything.  Know where all your money is.

You did not cause this to happen, 5hilmer.  No matter what he tells you.
You can do nothing to fix him either.  Your job now will be to take very good care of yourself, in every way.

Get some exercise, even if it's a good walk everyday outside.  Try to eat something healthy every day, even if it's not a lot.  Rest if you can't sleep.
I'm glad it sounds like you have a nice family who can support you.

I'm really sorry you are having to deal with this.  It's no fun, that's for sure.
Keep posting, there is usually someone around, as we are from all different countries and time zones.

Big Hug
  • Logged
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

5
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 242
  • Gender: Female
Father's Day
#6: June 22, 2020, 08:56:25 AM
Thank you for embracing me with your words of wisdom. Not sure what type of MLC'r H would be considered.

Ripped,
you said your H is a vanisher does that mean he does not live at home?  Does he stay in contact with you?
  • Logged
« Last Edit: June 22, 2020, 09:01:03 AM by 5hilmerton »

R
  • *
  • MLCer Type: Vanisher
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 62
  • Gender: Female
Re: Father's Day
#7: June 22, 2020, 11:57:57 AM
5hilmer,

I must update my thread soon.

2014.  My H stayed at home  .
2015 Moved abroad to our holiday home...he is still there.

Very little contact from him from 2015 to mid 2016 until he wanted to return home.
4 returns home...Last one 2017

I have not physically seen my husband since July 2017 to date.
He would contact by text or email...never rings to talk on phone...only when he wanted to return or when I refused to discuss important issues by text or email....H is constantly hiding behind texts.

Contact resumed in 2019 ....I stopped contact in February as he was still in replay, still is I think.
He has told me he won’t be home, I’ve accepted that,  I honestly could not be with an immature man that he is now and I really never played the game of  keeping quiet while he monstered constantly....I respect myself too much.

It’s a long hard road. And as most of us here have said, we probably didn’t or couldn’t detach sooner, but when you do, you will know it and it is a good feeling.  Life is calmer that’s for sure.

Feel free to pm me anytime if you like.

I hope I do not  come across as bitter, I really am not, just tired like most of us and now learning to just enjoy each day and letting go, it’s all you can do really.

Ripped.







  • Logged

R
  • *
  • MLCer Type: Vanisher
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 62
  • Gender: Female
Re: Father's Day
#8: June 22, 2020, 12:06:51 PM
Ps.

Sorry, I went on as usual.

I see H as Vanisher because of the distance between us and also because he doesn’t really make an effort with our children.  He texts them as if he is their buddy and not their father.  He once told me that he knew everything would be fine with the children, house etc as I was more than capable of looking after everything and that he admired me ....oh my lord these MLCers.   ??? :-\
  • Logged

S
  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 6269
  • Gender: Female
  • Strength and honour are her clothing;
Re: Father's Day
#9: June 22, 2020, 01:05:17 PM
HI 5hil

Your H is an on and off -er contact person.  He will contact you but it is sporadic.

Ripped apart - your H is not a Vanisher - vanishers do just that and have no contact. They literally vanish off the face of the earth usually deleting any other form of contact.   He is also an On and Off -er.

I agree with Thunder - the business with the phone in 2019 certainly suggested an OW.  Whether she is still on the scene is debatable but he is still very much at the beginning of the MLC tunnel and this could be a long haul.

The best thing you can do is to learn to detach, protect your finances - do your research on MLC so that you become informed and therefore aware of lies ahead for you.  Keep venting/journalling on here. Keep asking questions and keep focussed on your self love and self care.

  • Logged
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.