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Author Topic: My Story Father's Day

R
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My Story Re: Father's Day
#10: June 22, 2020, 02:05:39 PM
Hi song and dance,

Thanks  for clarification.  I do understand the concept regarding MLCer types.

After 6.5 years of little contact and showing absolutely no interest in their lives, they and I consider him a Vanisher and a stranger.  So do his own siblings who no longer make contact with him either.   

just my opinion on my situation.

Apologies for the thread hijack 5Hilmer

Ripped.
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5
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Father's Day
#11: June 22, 2020, 03:12:37 PM
No apologies needed at all Ripped.  I learn as I read....I will PM you!
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b
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Father's Day
#12: June 22, 2020, 08:26:14 PM
Welcome 5Hil. I am sorry to read about your situation but happy you found us on Heros Spouse.  From reading your story it certainly sounds like MLC to me . Being 72 just is far outside of what the typical age is for a MLC  however I believe it can happen .  A friend of mine swears that her father had a MLC when he left for a 29 year old women  ...he was 69 years old.  He checked all the boxes , had all the behaviors and tried to return to his family 18 months after he left. His wife refused to have him back. Although it seems to be rare , I do believe it can happen. My husband was 55 when he left and many people believed that was a little late. Perhaps MLC knows to real age .

So welcome !  I will be following along !  I found this article to be rather interesting .

https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/caregiving/caregiver-guides/coping-with-a-later-life-crisis
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

S
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  • Strength and honour are her clothing;
Re: Father's Day
#13: June 23, 2020, 01:18:13 AM
Quote
After 6.5 years of little contact and showing absolutely no interest in their lives, they and I consider him a Vanisher and a stranger.  So do his own siblings who no longer make contact with him either.   

just my opinion on my situation.

No worries and I can see why you would think that. Makes sense.
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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

5
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Father's Day
#14: June 23, 2020, 05:22:02 PM
Yes, I did not beg and plead with H I just felt he made up his mind.  I know I can't control him but we r too old to be riding this type of storm.  H broke my heart although I will forever love him he WAS the solid pillar in my life and he crushed that.  As I said before I am not going anywhere but this does hurt like hell.
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5
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Father's Day
#15: June 23, 2020, 05:27:12 PM
Thank you Barbiedoll for the article.  I read that one and it is helpful especially if you can get the horse in front of the cart.
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5
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Father's Day
#16: June 25, 2020, 09:14:20 AM
Hi there, apologies if I posted this twice.  Because it is storming here I am inside not outside keeping my brain from wandering.  I spent most of my morning reading an entire thread I started last night.  I learn so much from all of your wisdom, experience and actions.  But just when I think I got the bull by the horns I find myself bursting into tears 😢.  So I do this sitting on the toilet, (pardon my frankness) or when I am driving but never where someone is around. I am an only child and had a very tough childhood.  So who would think the beginning and the end would hurt so bad.
I am having trouble with that you do not have control over.  It's like turning the other cheek when  your cheeks are worn out and hurt so bad.  My H is non threatening and is not at home but I don't know if as a (STANDER) I do treat it as if he will not return or try to pursue more.  When we do communicate it is short and to the point, text only. I read other threads where the LBS just keeps staying in touch and all the hurt it appears to brings to them and their family but they keep doing it and stand strong.  Is that just another way to (STAND) stay in touch and battle this demon together? 
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5
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Father's Day
#17: June 25, 2020, 05:06:20 PM
Same day another post, BD May 2019.  H communicates once or twice a month via text.  He is kind and to the point as I am with my response.  As a STANDER at what point can i, should I engage in R conversation?  I can tell he is still tense and managing his anger and confusion. I am asking when would it be appropriate to engage in conversation if he does not initiate it?  Or is it still too early, am I just helicoptering the situation?
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S
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Re: Father's Day
#18: June 26, 2020, 01:36:43 AM
Firstly 5hil - keep calm. 

I sense a rising panic in you because of a loss of control.

Have you read up on the communication and contact types in RCR's articles on the website.  Well worth it and will help you begin to understand what is going on?

Because of your feelings of loss of control, you want answers about the R and the future. 

You can stand throughout because you believe in your MLCer and you believe that you will at some point restore and rebuild your marriage but now the R has to sit on a shelf, wrapped up like a parcel ready for opening when the time is right.

So you focus on you and one of the ways to do that is to live as if the marriage is over (in essence the marriage you knew is) and that you are now on your own. 
Asking questions of your MLCer will only bring you answers you don't want to hear and emotionally cannot manage.  Because your expectations are still very very high.

So no R talks at all.  Keep all communication bright and breezy, non commital and to the point.  MLCers cannot cope with lots of words and chatter especially in the early stages.  If he chooses to talk you listen, you validate and then that conversation is over. 
This is a long haul test of your inner strength and enduring belief in your marriage and as OP says - time is a gift.  You may not believe it but it really is.  MLC takes time - a long time.  I have been in this for over 7 years and yes my H and I have reconnected but reconciliation is far off if at all because he still wants his own space and we are just room-mates nothing more.  I have been making decisions but 7 yrs down the road I have the strength, confidence and sheer bloody-mindedness to see them through.  My view is now that if H wants in he has to do the work.
I value myself above all else and this is something that I can control.

Loss of control is horrid when you are a fixer and most of us are in truth so this is a way of learning how to let go of the things you cannot control and one of them is your MLCer's journey.
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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

5
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Father's Day
#19: June 26, 2020, 07:32:53 AM
Song you are so very awesome and strong.  I have read your updated thread and cannot even imagine how you stand so strong.  Yes you do say everything  I am feeling.  I guess there is a rising panic within me.  As a process engineer, mother and wife I have always had the answers or fixes.

I am very worried that I will not have the stamina to stand as strong as so many of you do. I choose not to push H into a conversation because I do not want to be hurt.  At times I wonder if that is the cowards or selfish way to handle this especially when I read others jumping right in.

I love how you said a parcel wrapped up sitting on a shelf.  I guess my panic is coming from the fact he is so far away and I do not want to let him slip away when I should have been more attentive.  I do acknowledge this is a long process but i want to know when I should shake and rattle my package on the shelf.I

I will re-read  the communications and contact types one I find them.

Have a pleasant day.
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