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Author Topic: My Story Father's Day

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My Story Re: Father's Day
#20: June 26, 2020, 01:36:24 PM
Song you are so very awesome and strong.  I have read your updated thread and cannot even imagine how you stand so strong.  Yes you do say everything  I am feeling.  I guess there is a rising panic within me.  As a process engineer, mother and wife I have always had the answers or fixes.

You are too kind but everything I learned about how to become strong was ON HERE. This forum saved me from myself; the information, the advice and guidance from those who had gone before was INVALUABLE. I cannot thanks them (and there are so many) enough. 
 Being a fixer is more common than we realise and the sooner we begin to understand ourselves the sooner we can begin to detach.


I am very worried that I will not have the stamina to stand as strong as so many of you do.

Totally understandable and very accurate at the moment.  The beauty of this forum is that we all started that way. We had been sideswiped out of the blue and we lose our inner strength and ability to endure and continue.  Stamina grows - it is in fits and starts and it is deep within you whatever the outcome.


I choose not to push H into a conversation because I do not want to be hurt.  At times I wonder if that is the cowards or selfish way to handle this especially when I read others jumping right in.

If you have learned not to push H into a conversation - this is a sign of your inner strength. This is a sign that you are putting yourself and your sanity first.  It is not selfish; it is SELF -ISH because looking after you and your emotional needs is far far more important  It is most certainly not a cowards way - it is learned wisdom.


I love how you said a parcel wrapped up sitting on a shelf.  I guess my panic is coming from the fact he is so far away and I do not want to let him slip away when I should have been more attentive.  I do acknowledge this is a long process but i want to know when I should shake and rattle my package on the shelf.

Stop blaming yourself.  Should is a word you must eradicate from your own personal growth.  "I should have been 5ft 8 and athletic but I'm not!" syndrome.  The only thing you "should " do is to learn as much as you can about MLC , becoming a student 

I will re-read  the communications and contact types one I find them.

Have a pleasant day.
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Re: Father's Day
#21: June 29, 2020, 03:44:18 AM
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
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Father's Day
#22: June 29, 2020, 09:07:54 AM
Thank you OP,  I appreciate all of your advice, wisdom, and guidance.  I am staying busy and trying to keep my mind from wandering.  My heart aches for all and when I read others stories I know I am in an ok place.  I am not going anywhere. I have realized I am not going anywhere not just for H but I really don't want to.

But with that said I will always have questions.  Right now as I understand my H is an on and off contacter.  What would indicate H is progressing or not?  BD May 2019, left home Dec 2019. Sends a text once or twice a month, kind and to the point not engaging.
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Father's Day
#23: June 30, 2020, 01:11:23 AM
But with that said I will always have questions.  Right now as I understand my H is an on and off contacter.  What would indicate H is progressing or not?  BD May 2019, left home Dec 2019. Sends a text once or twice a month, kind and to the point not engaging.

OK 5hilmerton.... <velvet-covered 2x4 mode activated>

1) Your BD was a year ago and H moved 6 months ago - This process is an Ultra-Marathon and takes YEARS, not months for the Mid-Lifer to get through (assuming that they ever do - not all of them do). It is WAY to early to be ruminating about what "Progress" could look like... unless, of course, you are  glutton for punishment
2) If you are looking to see progress in your Mid-Lifer, you are focusing on the WRONG thing.... Stage-watching your Mid-Lifer is nothing more than ramping up of expectations and setting yourself up to be disappointed when those expectations are not met.
3) If you are looking for progress, you will invariably SEE progress or what looks like progress because it is really what we WANT SO BADLY to see... We want it so much that we interpret things as progress that are really aberrations or blips in the grand scheme... "Oh, he suppressed a fart! That must be 'progress." Sorry, that path leads the LBS in the wrong direction - it is pain-shopping....
"Doctor, it REALLY Hurts when I stick this meat fork up my nose!"
"Well then... STOP STICKING THE MEAT FORK UP YOUR NOSE!"

The person that has EARNED and DESERVES your undivided love and attention is the person looking back at you in the mirror (and, of course, your kids if applicable)... NOT your Mid-Lifer.  This is THEIR journey with THEM being responsible for the consequences of THEIR actions.... It is also the time where YOU have the chance to really review your own life, your own patterns (are there things you feel were maybe not healthy or in your best interests? Patterns of reacting that you'd like to change? NOW is the time to enact those changes - you have the chance in this time to Grow Forward in life  - NOT to be confused with "moving on."), and to walk out of the other side of this minefield stronger, more capable, more adaptable, more confident but that is also a choice that YOU get to make... THAT is what you have control over, yourself, your own growth, your emotional health....

You do not have to be "going somewhere" as long as you are not stuck sitting on the front porch in a pile of soaking snotty Kleenexes, crocheting lace doilies and waiting for the return of the prodigal spouse. That is not a good return on investment of the limited time you (and all of us) have on this spinning ball of rock floating in space. You have, as OP noted, been given the gift of time... Use it wisely for your own benefit, your own growth.... not wasting the time to watch the Mid-Lifer stumble through the tunnel and doing the Mid-Lifer thing....

<2x4 mode off>
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Father's Day
#24: June 30, 2020, 01:20:09 AM
Ah, UM is on a wisdom roll this morning  :)

How you feel is normal. Of course you have questions. Unfortunately you will learn that there are few solid 'right' answers. The closest is to try to accept the current reality and to train your brain to focus hard on putting your needs and wellbeing first.

Who initiates the texts? What is the purpose of them usually? How do you feel when you get them? Do you always respond if he texts? Or get a response if you do? And focus on reality....a text is just a text, it's not a relationship, it's certainly not a marriage is it? There is a terrible temptation in the early stages as an LBS to get sucked into mind reading too much into very small things, a kind of confirmation bias as UM said bc our brain is trying to work out what is going on and create a sense of certainty from uncertainty. It's really normal in the first couple of years or so....but it rarely serves us well  :)
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« Last Edit: June 30, 2020, 01:23:39 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
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Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
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Re: Father's Day
#25: June 30, 2020, 01:49:57 AM
Thank you OP,  I appreciate all of your advice, wisdom, and guidance.  I am staying busy and trying to keep my mind from wandering.  My heart aches for all and when I read others stories I know I am in an ok place.  I am not going anywhere. I have realized I am not going anywhere not just for H but I really don't want to.

But with that said I will always have questions.  Right now as I understand my H is an on and off contacter.  What would indicate H is progressing or not?  BD May 2019, left home Dec 2019. Sends a text once or twice a month, kind and to the point not engaging.

Re "not wanting to go anywhere" - that is fine.   That is part of the grieving process in a way.  You just need to be still and "be"   That will last a little while and the danger of that is that you will open your mind to such questions about time and progress etc.

With an "on and off" er very little will indicate progress because you are not seeing monster regularly and you will see a modicum of kindness.   MLCers cannot sustain monster every day and then switch to a more normal mode of contact - it's like a series of waves of monster/quiet/new normal/monster/quiet/new normal and so on.

Does he think about you?  Yes.  Most MLCers do - how much is the debatable question.

Is he progressing - yes but not at the speed you would like and not necessarily with the end result you have in mind. 

MLCers run and they run and run.  They sometimes run so far that they cannot even see the return line.  Some of them run and keep bouncing back but still keep running out of habit because their self growth is limited.   Depression does that.

How much have you read about depression both your own which is inevitably reactive (short lived usually) and your MLCer's?  If you want to focus on progress (and I strongly recommend that you don't) then learn as much as you can about depression and how your MLCer will be in this for the long haul.   

Try this technique which Stayed recommends - allow yourself some time in the day to focus in MLC and your own hopes/angst etc   and then the rest of the day is for you to focus on you moving forward one inch at a time.   For me- I wanted to learn about MLC so that I could understand it, step back and see it for what it was and then allow myself to get on with my life.

It can be done - so today what are you going to do for yourself that is nothing to do with your MLCer but focuses on you and that might be something as simple as doing a crossword or taking a walk somewhere new.  When you feel the need to "wallow" in MLC thoughts then time it - say 5 minutes - actively say STOP to your brain and then do something else.   

The quickest way to deal with thoughts about the MLCer is to replace them with new different and positive thoughts and actions even if they are tiny. 

After BD when I was in shock - my sister said " What can you do in the next 5 minutes that doesn't involve thinking about H? Do it and then what can you do in the next 5 minutes and so on"   That really helped me along with learning and studying MLC and focussing on my own thought processes. 
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Father's Day
#26: June 30, 2020, 05:11:18 AM
UM, Treasur, Song, thank you for the redirect.  I guess I must have said something to bring in the big guns, for which I am very grateful!!!!

Thank you for posting words that I will read over and over.  I am a process engineer, mother, wife and now a grandma.  I have been fixing things pretty much all of my 58 years.  I will have questions to understand like nobody's business.  I also read and search  for directions and answers to make things make sense in this small brain of mine.

I will say my heart aches and has been broken into a bazillion pieces by the last person I would have thought.  So after 40 years of doing everything together it will take me a while to down shift. I miss talking things out with my best friend.  My adult Children know and are also educating themselves about the Dad they refuse to loose.  I will not use my children to share my hurt and anger and there is anger (just a personal choice). 

As much as I don't like it I get this is a marathon not a sprint. I don't initiate contact and our conv. are brief and to the point.  I do forget the "no expectations" at times.

 I guess my questions regarding progress is not so much about when he will return if he does but more anticipation of dodging the bullet of his processing.

I spend a lot of time staying busy in my yard, with my kids and a couple of friends. I really love the idea of limiting my time thinking about this package deal with H.  So I am going to give myself a bit more structure regarding time thinking about this crack in the road.

Thank you all for you time and wisdom.
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Father's Day
#27: June 30, 2020, 05:24:58 AM
Quote
I am a process engineer, mother, wife and now a grandma.  I have been fixing things pretty much all of my 58 years.

So that means you are smart and have some top notch skills, my friend.
I'd suggest that a simple starting place is to focus them on you e.g. 'Hmmm, how do I make life a bit better than this crappy moment' stuff (bc we all have those moments)....and then towards your kids, grandkids, pets, friends, random nice strangers.......anyone or anything but your h essentially on the wasted pearls before swine rule  ;)
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H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

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Father's Day
#28: June 30, 2020, 05:54:13 AM
Just catching up on your story 5hil!
I'm sorry for your pain. I'm right there with you!
So much great advice on your thread, I am going to follow along too. Hang in there!
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Father's Day
#29: June 30, 2020, 09:26:18 AM
Just catching up on your story 5hil!
I'm sorry for your pain. I'm right there with you!
So much great advice on your thread, I am going to follow along too. Hang in there!
OMG GW so much power with the words of the wise and experienced.  It gave me the "I AM STRONG" morning lift I needed. 
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