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Author Topic: My Story Cleaning Out the Garage

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My Story Cleaning Out the Garage
OP: August 31, 2020, 10:25:12 AM
This coming Labor Day  weekend will be the 4th anniversary of LB packing up his rubbermaid tote and moving to his parents house  (he is still there).  In some way it feels like not so long ago and in some ways it feels like a whole other lifetime.  I have no real recollection of the person who left me nor can I even really recall why I was so upset he left but I remember sobbing hysterically on the bathroom floor for hours.  Just a truly awful weekend.

The memory that popped up on my time line today was 6 years ago - we were visiting the inlaws in South Carolina.  I can remember thinking then that it would be a nice tradition to start  - visiting the inlaws for Labor Day weekend.  That did not happen as LB was obviously not having as much fun as the kids and I were having.  I found myself wondering what exactly he WAS thinking that weekend. 

It rained this past weekend and basketball was cancelled so I started cleaning the GARAGE.  This, my friends, is a really, really big deal.  The garage was a huge issue at marriage counselling - a major point of friction between us.  It became that place in the house where everything just goes and piles up.  And I was itching to get it sorted out.  But the job seemed overwhelming and I wanted to schedule a project day for both if us to tackle it together.  We actually had to involve the MC to get a day planned because LB was having meltdown over the evil. controlling calendar that I kept in my purse that controlled his whole life - which was not true since he was obviously finding time to shag MOO2 - but I digress.

Anyhoo, we planned a date - a Saturday morning - and when I woke up LB was gone "to work" and would not reply to any of my phone calls or texts. I worked on the garage by myself (with kids) that day and spent much of it fuming and crying.  I didn't accomplish much.  Needless to say the MC was flabbergasted when I reported back the next week that LB was a no show.  And LB was all "I forgot" which was total BS. The garage has remained in much the same condition for the past 4 years.  The whole space triggers me making me sad and angry at the same time.

I am in the final stages of refinancing the house into my name - the final nail in the divorce coffin.  Hopefully, the house will be all mine soon,  I decided it was time to tackle MY garage.  Whatever is left out there of LB's is now trash.  It is time to reclaim the garage from MLC.

I recently read an article that claimed that the difference between a project being a success or a failure is 40% more effort.  The premises is that when you reach your breaking point - you want to give up, give in, call it quits -  studies show that if you had put in just 40% more effort you would have reached your goal.  So the difference between winners and losers is 40%.  Everytime I reached my breaking point with the garage project I would ask myself if I had just 40% more effort left to give.  The answer was always yes and I kept plugging.

It is not done by any means and my whole body hurts today but I made a huge and very noticeable difference in the garage this weekend.  This week is bulk trash pick up and I plan to haul a bunch of stuff out to the curb later this week.  It feels good to finally be making some forward progress on the GARAGE!!

The kids tell me that the outlaws are headed back to South Carolina this week.  Otherwise there has been no LB sightings. D had small meltdown about MOO2 and her kids a few days ago which was out of the blue and unexpected.  Honestly, I think she is just tired of the dysfunction on that side of the family.     

The serial park killer did send me a text a few days ago to say hi.  I decided that I have lost my dang mind giving my phone number out to strangers in the park and I have not replied.

Cheers to 4 years!!               

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11284.0;all
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« Last Edit: August 31, 2020, 10:36:42 AM by Dumbfounded »
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

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Cleaning Out the Garage
#1: August 31, 2020, 10:52:45 AM
Hello,

Quote
This coming Labor Day  weekend will be the 4th anniversary of LB packing up his rubbermaid tote and moving to his parents house  (he is still there). 

Well, this Labor day will mark the seventh anniversary my ex got in the car and drove off to WA. She's still there too.

Quote
It rained this past weekend and basketball was cancelled so I started cleaning the GARAGE. 

It didn't rain this weekend, but I helped clean the garage. I was meant to powerwash the patio, but the machine was too big for my car and with the logistics thrown off, my wife postponed that task to next week. She then said, "We will work on the garage." Like you said, the garage is a place where everything goes. Eventually it is sorted and either makes it to the trash or Goodwill. I had just finished building a covered patio so the garage was filled with tools, materials, and trash.

We got most of it organized. The nice thing is that I get to buy a new tool chest to store my tools. That will really open up the garage. Nice to be able to open a drawer and find my wrenches.

Quote
I decided it was time to tackle MY garage.

That's right, it your place and you get to make the rules. I wonder if LB living at his parent's house has a curfew. LOL

Quote
I recently read an article that claimed that the difference between a project being a success or a failure is 40% more effort.

That is fascinating. Could you PM the link to that article? I would really like to read it.

You are doing so well and it's nice to know you can muster  the extra 40% to get the job done as opposed to LB that can only muster the 5% to make an excuse.

((((Hugs))))

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Cleaning Out the Garage
#2: August 31, 2020, 11:50:19 AM
Following along with you DF. Well done on sorting YOUR garage! I am at 3 1/2 years and have just recently started cleaning out the stuff my H left in 3 sheds. You sound in a good place, moving forward while LB spins around in circles!! Sending support, PG xxx
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#3: September 01, 2020, 04:37:06 AM
Attaching and waiting to see what PortaPotty Antics LB pulls next....
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Cleaning Out the Garage
#4: September 01, 2020, 08:11:37 AM
Yes cleaning and purging is definitely cathartic. Sometimes it is emotional but I think it is good to emote when the opportunity presents itself.

As usual, you are sounding strong and driven. 
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Cleaning Out the Garage
#5: September 01, 2020, 08:27:12 AM
DF,

You are an inspiration - you have steadily slogged through everything with indomitable courage!!

I need to get down to radical downsizing soon, I may have to get my mother to live with me and it will be better with a house that carries less, if you know what I mean ::)
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Cleaning Out the Garage
#6: September 01, 2020, 10:59:57 AM
Ready, many thanks to you for making me go back and  try to hunt down the article (which I couldn't find) because, in my overwhelm, in the depths of the garage, I recalled the Rule of 40% incorrectly.  While my incorrect recollection kept me motivated, my additional research has clarified a lot questions I had about the math while I was purging.
   
The Rule of 40%  comes from Jesse Itzler’s book “Living With A SEAL.” The 40% rule is simple: When your mind is telling you that you’re done, that you’re exhausted, that you cannot possibly go any further,  you’re only actually 40% done.  So, you actually have to go another 60%!!  Sure glad I didn't know that over the weekend because 40% seemed like a lot at the time.   :P   Anyhoo, it looks like I am about 25% done the entire garage.... so I have got a long way to go.  But bulk trash day is coming this week and I am excited for more progress before week end.

It is cathartic KIT.  But 4 years in, I am skipping to the trash can with the abandoned stuff, flinging open the lid and chucking it in.  Goodbye LB's stuff! Making way for the new!!  I have not come across anything exciting.  When he asked for his 5 things in the divorce, I went through the house with a fine tooth comb and packed up ALL of his stuff... down to Christmas ornaments, pens and buttons.. and dumped all the boxes at MILs house.  Good riddance.  Since then I have come across his works boots in the garage and his high school class ring in my jewelry box.  I sent the work boots to Goodwill and I put his class ring away for S.  He is obviously not sentimental so no point in returning it.     

D started college today.  All online this semester... so she is sitting on the couch in her PJs with the dog.  Kinda sad.

My newest problem is the park serial killer.  He keeps calling and texting.  I want to be excited about it but I am not.  He seems needy and clingy and in a rush to get my schedule and get together... and I am like yeah no there is a pandemic . My girlfriends are all like good for you and give him a chance and blah, blah.  I just feel like if I learned anything at all from the last 4 years it is that when my guts tells me that something is off I should listen.  It just feels like a parade of red flags to me.  Sigh.             
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Re: Cleaning Out the Garage
#7: September 01, 2020, 02:11:15 PM
DF, I bet that facing the garage will have its triggers. We purge, throw away to a certain extent, box away, and then live with that for a year or two. Then circumstances seem to force us to take a new look at that storage space. Then we go through the whole thing again, but hopefully we bounce back a lot faster now.

Sorry your D is starting college from home, but then again, how nice for you. She has plenty of time to live her life. You are getting her for a little extra time.

Regarding the serial killer, trust your gut. If there's one thing we learn from all of this, is that our gut is usually right. Doesn't meant the serial killer is an actual killer, but does feel as though there's something off about him, and we sure don't need anyone with more problems. Perhaps just tell him straight out right away that you're flattered but you have no interest in a relationship. The next time you feel you have to give your number, put one wrong number in the mix. Good luck.
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Re: Cleaning Out the Garage
#8: September 01, 2020, 05:17:42 PM
My teenage daughter says that there is a spoof phone number that you can give people that goes to a recording that says something along the lines of “sorry, dude, she’s just not that interested in you”.  I did call it when she told me about it.  It was a recording letting someone down easy.  Haha.  Just for grins and giggles, I’ll see if she remembers it and I’ll post it for you.  You know, for future serial killers!
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Cleaning Out the Garage
#9: September 02, 2020, 08:25:57 PM

I am in the final stages of refinancing the house into my name - the final nail in the divorce coffin.  Hopefully, the house will be all mine soon,  I decided it was time to tackle MY garage.  Whatever is left out there of LB's is now trash.  It is time to reclaim the garage from MLC.

Excellent news, DF.  Yes, indeed, it IS time for you to reclaim YOUR garage!

It is not done by any means and my whole body hurts today but I made a huge and very noticeable difference in the garage this weekend.  This week is bulk trash pick up and I plan to haul a bunch of stuff out to the curb later this week.  It feels good to finally be making some forward progress on the GARAGE!!

You will be quite impressed with yourself and your abilities when that garage is organized and set up the way YOU want it.  I guarantee it! 

The kids tell me that the outlaws are headed back to South Carolina this week.  Otherwise there has been no LB sightings. D had small meltdown about MOO2 and her kids a few days ago which was out of the blue and unexpected.  Honestly, I think she is just tired of the dysfunction on that side of the family.

I hope that D has a good semester - I know it's hard to just sit at home and do online when you want to be experiencing college life and all that entails.  Hopefully, she'll get her chance to do that.     

The serial park killer did send me a text a few days ago to say hi.  I decided that I have lost my dang mind giving my phone number out to strangers in the park and I have not replied.

Yes, best not to reply if your trusty gut is telling you it's a bad idea.  With any luck, he'll give up soon. 

Cheers to 4 years!! 

We've come a long way, baby!   ;)             

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#10: September 03, 2020, 05:42:54 AM
Hello,

Quote
Ready, many thanks to you for making me go back and  try to hunt down the article (which I couldn't find) because, in my overwhelm, in the depths of the garage, I recalled the Rule of 40% incorrectly.  While my incorrect recollection kept me motivated, my additional research has clarified a lot questions I had about the math while I was purging.
   
The Rule of 40%  comes from Jesse Itzler’s book “Living With A SEAL.” The 40% rule is simple: When your mind is telling you that you’re done, that you’re exhausted, that you cannot possibly go any further,  you’re only actually 40% done.  So, you actually have to go another 60%!!  Sure glad I didn't know that over the weekend because 40% seemed like a lot at the time.   :P   Anyhoo, it looks like I am about 25% done the entire garage.... so I have got a long way to go.  But bulk trash day is coming this week and I am excited for more progress before week end.

Sorry for the inconvenience. The 40% rule is still good for me. I am going to use it when I work out.

Quote
My newest problem is the park serial killer.  He keeps calling and texting.

Yes, a person that it too persistent is a troubling sign. It reeks of desperation and deep insecurity. If you respond, it will only bring a cascade more of calls and texts. This type of personality becomes the controlling type later on due to their own insecurities. If your gut says no, follow your gut.

You have too many great things going on right now to throw a wrench into a great life.

Have a great weekend!

(((((Ready)))))
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Cleaning Out the Garage
#11: September 03, 2020, 06:09:58 AM


and he doesn't look like this guy....
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Cleaning Out the Garage
#12: September 03, 2020, 10:57:22 AM
Gracie, yeah, I need that number.  I am going to get cards made up to hand out.

Ready, no inconvenience,  I am researcher by trade and happy to have a new tool in my motivation tool box.   

"Yes, a person that it too persistent is a troubling sign. It reeks of desperation and deep insecurity."  Ready nailed it.  That "serial killer" feeling.  I chatted with the serial killer on the phone the other night for a few minutes.  He started the convo by bashing the NBA, when I disagreed he changed his tune.....I then proceeded with a few other political issues and it became apparent after several flip flops on my part that he was just trying to mimic my opinions to get in my good graces. The last straw was when he asked how old the kids were and when I said D was 18 he said oh good, she is almost "gone". Gone?  Gone where?   Over my dead body is she "gone" anywhere. Obviously, not looking to be part of my kids lives.    BIG, FAT. NO

Ready is right.... too much good stuff to ruin it with this chameleon.   Goodbye Felicia!         

Trying to syke myself up for bulk trash day!!   
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Married 1998
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D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
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D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

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Cleaning Out the Garage
#13: September 13, 2020, 07:51:25 AM
The last straw was when he asked how old the kids were and when I said D was 18 he said oh good, she is almost "gone". Gone?  Gone where?   Over my dead body is she "gone" anywhere. Obviously, not looking to be part of my kids lives.    BIG, FAT. NO

Oh no he didn't!!!!   >:(

Yep, trust your gut.

Gracie, yeah, I need that number.  I am going to get cards made up to hand out. 

I might just need that number too.   ;D
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Cleaning Out the Garage
#14: September 17, 2020, 11:05:19 AM
Just popping in.  Nothing much new to report.

Still plugging away at the garage.  I didn't make much progress last weekend as my 1995 garage vacuum cleaner ran out of vacuum bags and it was quite an adventure to find more. Still not sure I have the right ones.  Also, I had to go out any buy kitty litter so I could dispose of many, many paint cans. The weather keeps spoiling my bulk trash day - I put a few items out this morning but the rain is a deterrent to dragging out too much stuff. But I am determined to make serious progress on this project in September.   

I was looking through social media one evening and found, through a mutual friend, a picture of LB, MOO2 and MOO2's S at an outdoor birthday party for someone I don't know. The picture is not flattering. They are all facing away from the camera but obviously the pandemic has not been kind to MOO2.  She has put on a LOT of weight and I have no idea what is going on with her hair.  The adults are holding solo cups- so still drinking.  Nobody looks particularly happy.  The picture was so haunting.  I know these people.... and yet I don't know these people.             
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Cleaning Out the Garage
#15: September 17, 2020, 02:24:34 PM
Hefty and red solo cups. Sounds klassy.

My garage is on the “list.” You are inspiring me!! 
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#16: September 18, 2020, 07:24:13 PM
Yeah, the garage is on my list too.  Alas, it may now wait until next spring.  I'm not sure I have the energy to tackle it after work these days. 

Ah, the red solo cups - I'm not a bit surprised. 

How's college going for D?

And is S currently playing in a bball league? 
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Cleaning Out the Garage
#17: September 22, 2020, 10:51:01 AM
KIT and SB, so funny you both honed in on the red solo cups.

I feel you SB on the garage.  Work on the garage has slowed down quite a bit after my initial burst.  The dishwasher broke and virtual learning with S is KILLING me.  I just haven't got the energy to even look at the garage on week nights after work and I abandoned it last weekend for a day of apple picking and apple cider donuts with the kids. 

Virtual college is going great for D.  She is doing really well.  She has had a very "adult" month.  She started college, signed up for a student credit card, she is trying out contacts and she finally found a nice PT job.  She is happily exhausted and overwhelmed from all her "adulting".

S, on the other hand, is a virtual mess.  I feel like I have a second job trying to keep track of his schooling.  I am always calling and e-mailing teachers about his assignments, grades, zooms, attendance, etc.  He just does not have the temperment to sit there for 6 hours a day on zoom and then sit for more hours doing homework in the evening.  There is no basketball.  He is just sooooooo frustrated.  I have hired him a tutor to try and help him organize and stay on track but he sees it as just more sitting.  I am at work all day.... so every evening it is an interrogation. Ugh!

On the crazy side, I ran into MOO2's H hiking one day.  :o   I haven't spoken to him in over a year.   We finished our hike together catching up on things.  We didn't speak a word about our exs.  Mostly we talked about what we have been doing in the lockdown and horrors of virtual learning.  His S is living with him now.  Apparently, MOO2 rented a 2 bedroom after she lost her house and S was sleeping on the couch.  So, MOO2's H took him in.  He seems giddy having his S with him and being a Dad.  So sweet.  On the way back to the parking area we ran into MOO2's best friend.  (2020 is just full on crazy I tell you.)  Anyway, we have been texting back and forth again.  Because out of all the people in the world MOO's H knows best what I have been through without even talking about it.  So friends it is I suppose.                     
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D16, S12
BD March, 2016
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H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
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Cleaning Out the Garage
#18: September 23, 2020, 05:53:52 PM
DF - I fee so bad for you AND for S with this distance/remote learning thing.  It is not going well in my school either.  Of course I didn't expect it to after the fiasco last spring.  The rigor has risen and the kids haven't had real school since early March.  It's painful for them and for a parent.  Nice move hiring a tutor and I hope it helps.  You will be in the crazy house if you keep trying to do your job and be a teacher to him as well. 

Glad D is adjusting to the new adult world. 

Interesting hike you had - good to hear that another kid has a chance at living with a parent who may have things together. 
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Re: Cleaning Out the Garage
#19: September 23, 2020, 11:14:55 PM
DF, sending support. It's an upside down year and some kids are really feeling the upheaval. I remember how stressed I was when my S started high school and couldn't plan his work correctly. I was so tired at night, the last thing I wanted to do was check his school work. Well done for getting some help for your S since you are already working full time and keeping everyone afloat. 

Having a sporty son too, I think it's really hard for them when they are not allowed to practice for months. They play for passion of course, so they are missing their favourite activity, but they are also so used to being on the go, moving their muscles, thinking quickly, running from school to practice, to getting their homework done really quickly so they can go play a game, that when there is this continuous time without action, they can't do it. You'd think having more time would give them a chance to catch up, but they are not made like this. At least I saw with my S, he needs the pressure of the time limit to buckle down, and he needs the pressure release of his sport to relax. Thankfully, Covid will eventually come to an end, and your S is still so young that he will be able to get right back to his basket ball.
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#20: October 12, 2020, 10:54:58 AM
Milly and SB, we continue to be on the struggle bus with the remote learning here. The elementary schools are switching to a hybrid schedule next week but no word on the high school.  All S and I do is argue about his schoolwork.  So awful.  The numbers are climbing again in NJ and I am not hopeful that this is going to end anytime soon. 

In the meantime, everything in the house is breaking. The dishwasher is broken, the evil neighbor dogs ate a hole in my fence and ripped up the back screen door, S's bed broke, the kitchen light is acting strangely and the heater guys tells me the heater is on its last legs "any day now".  Sigh.  So , trying to prioritize all that.

Next week the township is collecting electronics so I am making a pile of stuff from the garage and elsewhere in the house for the dropoff next Saturday.  So, the garage cleanout continues.  Still work to be done but the progress is noticeable now.     

Still working on the refi of the house. I have a bunch of stuff to gather and get out to the Bank this week and LB needs to sign another paper.

S turned 15 last week.  We just had small party at the house with my Mom.  Nothing from LB on his actual birthday but LB did take him fishing with TF Saturday.

Yesterday morning I was doing the grocery shopping and I was just about finished when I realized I forgot an item.  I doubled back and was standing in the isle all alone. They didn't have my brand so I was exploring other brands of the same item when LB and MOO2 turned into the isle.  I heard LB's voice first. He was saying "I don't think you are alone in that opinion..." I literally froze... dropped what I was holding, grabbed hold of my cart and took off in the opposite direction straight for the checkout. I got to the checkout with my heart pounding and my hands shaking. I was just throwing stuff on the belt praying to God that I could get out of the store before they reappeared. The poor lady checking me out was trying to make small talk and I couldn't even hear her for my pounding heart.  I got out to the truck and his car was parked right next to mine.  So, he knew I was there.  I just lost it.... crying and throwing groceries in the truck.  Cursing myself for being such a coward and trying to understand how 4 years in I am still having this reaction. It just never ends.

Had to go back to the store later for the few things I had left without.  Spent the rest of the day down the rabbit hole. Sigh.               

       
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#21: October 12, 2020, 12:00:39 PM
Hello,

Sorry about the education issues. We have opened up of elementary students but not our middle or high school students. Trying to get our special education students back at those sites next.

Quote
They didn't have my brand so I was exploring other brands of the same item when LB and MOO2 turned into the isle. 

You should have looked at them both and said, "I thought they were cooking broccoli somewhere, but it's just you two". Hahahahahaha
It is the hardest part and I have never had to experience my ex with someone new let alone OM. I think if she was with someone new, it wouldn't have any impact on me now. We are divorced and I am remarried so no issues. However if it was OM, I would be more intense as he played a part in the crisis.

Quote
Cursing myself for being such a coward

Don't be hard on yourself. You were caught off guard and your mindset was not prepared to deal with them. I get it. I probably would have fled to avoid such an awkward and tense moment. Give yourself a break.

Quote
Spent the rest of the day down the rabbit hole. Sigh. 

Get yourself out of the hole and focus on you and your mental health. Clean out the garage and attic that is in your mind.

((((Hugs))) and more (((Hugs))

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Re: Cleaning Out the Garage
#22: October 12, 2020, 04:06:17 PM
I’m sorry DF, that was horrible to experience, and your feelings/reaction seem completely normal and appropriate to me. I did find that when things like that happened I eventually calmed much quicker than I did in the early days. Earlier this year I found exH has a baby with his OW, and it put me in a spin, even though I consider myself to be in a very good place now. The feelings only lasted a few hours, where it could have been a week at least early days!

Good luck with all of your home maintenance issues, some of them are fun, like new bed for S, it’s just the $’s and the volume of things at once a problem, be great when they are all sorted, that and your declutter will all feel lovely!
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#23: October 13, 2020, 08:02:45 AM
Oh yuck DF--I am so sorry. You have the double whammy that this is LB AND your former friend.  That is hard no matter how many years have passed. I would have done the same thing. No need for confrontation....ever.

You are inspiring me to clean out my garage too.   Definitely a slow process but I think we will be in a much better place once we are done.  Also, I have those same arguments with my S on the homework front. Distance learning is not easy when one also has a full time job....and is a full time parent. It is a lot and don't discount the effects it has on our mental health. I think you are doing great though.  Hugs friend. 
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#24: October 13, 2020, 11:12:14 AM
Thanks KIT , CLG and Ready.

It really didn't take me long to regroup after my ruin-in with LB and MOO2.  It is not like I want either of them back in my life.  In fact, I was more upset that they keep invading my life with their awfulness.  And yes KIT, in my crying fit in the parking lot I kept asking myself if I could have managed with just LB present. In the great scheme of all my trusts issues, I was betrayed not only by a man but also by what I thought was a trusted childhood friend.  I realize of course that calling her a friend is silly as she was never, ever really a friend to me.  But the fact that they are still together shopping together at the grocery store after 4 years makes me instantly second guess it all.  How do two people in your inner circle decide to meet secretly behind your back and conclusive decide that their lives would be so much better off without you in it.  I am clearly in the minority in this decision - it always makes me check my worth.  Maybe I AM the problem.  I mean LB's entire family seems to agree.   At the very least, I am a terrible judge of who I let into my inner circle, right?

And then the circular thinking starts - what kind of friends would meet behind their friend's back and discuss this (among others things).  What awful, terrible people would do this to someone who loves and trusts them.  It is so unthinkable.  I just can not even fathom the evil person who would do this to a friend.   

I seriously don't know how a person recovers from this kind of trauma. Do you always stare at the person sitting across from you - man or woman - and wonder if they are having secret meetings with your other friends/family/co-workers to talk about how their lives would be immeasurably better without you. I am certainly hopeful that I overcome this thought pattern one day - but this run-in does not make me hopeful.

It has been dreary here the last few days. I am hoping my mood improves with some sunshine.   

                             
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« Last Edit: October 13, 2020, 11:33:31 AM by Dumbfounded »
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#25: October 13, 2020, 05:59:43 PM
Sending you big hugs DF.  I go down similar rabbit holes more often than I'd like to admit.  Rejection is absolutely heart wrenching.  And there is a verse in the Bible that likens someone divorcing you as to someone who murdered you and is wearing your bloody coat they murdered you in around with them.  Who would do that???

It's the dismembering of one flesh.  HOW can we not feel trauma from that?  Add to that it's your childhood "friend", so a two-fer.

And for him to park right next to you?  Grrrrrrr!!!!!!  He should not only have not parked next to you, he should have found a different store to shop at.  These people don't think about anyone but themselves.  Selfish.

You are a prize!  So hold your head high and remember that.

And I read this story whenever I need some justification for my rabbit hole feelings and to pull me up a bit out of the muck.  I don't know if it's a true story, but it always makes me feel better:

https://www.news24.com/You/Archive/dont-be-me-and-live-with-regret-a-mans-letter-to-other-men-tempted-to-cheat-20170728-2

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#26: October 14, 2020, 03:58:26 PM
DF, I can't even believe lb. What an a$$. I know rabbit holes well. It happens way too often for me and I don't know how to crawl out.

Faith, I think you've posted that story before. I so wish our exes could be reading it :(
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#27: October 14, 2020, 04:24:23 PM
DF,  You showed amazing composure.  I cannot believe LB parked next to you and went in the same store with her. Just unbelievable. If it had been me, I probably would have aimed the cart and sailed it down the aisle at them. Not as graceful and composed as you were.
You are not the problem, they are just not good people right now. No hearts, no empathy.  Do climb out of the rabbit hole when you are ready. Adjust your crown, you earned it.
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#28: October 14, 2020, 06:53:06 PM
DF, I can't even believe lb. What an a$$. I know rabbit holes well. It happens way too often for me and I don't know how to crawl out.

Faith, I think you've posted that story before. I so wish our exes could be reading it :(

Hey Tyks!  How have you been?

Yes I have posted that before.  Most likely on my thread at some point.
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#29: October 16, 2020, 10:20:44 AM
Faith... ah yes Malachi 2:16.... a man who hates and divorces his wife covers his garments in violence. He perpetrates a violence against one he should protect.  This verse makes me feel seen and understood.  It does feel like a violence.  It sure as heck hurt like physical pain. Now I have this vision of LB walking through the grocery store in a bloody trench coat. So that helps. I know the verse is limited to men but I am a liberal woman so I like to think MOO2 has her own bloody coat on in the snack isle at the grocery store.  What a vision. 

Mal, I wish I could agree but I am quite annoyed with my cowardly flight.

Tyks, LB will never get to regret.  He is a lost soul in a bloody trench coat.         
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#30: October 16, 2020, 07:45:34 PM
Hey, DF, you aren't alone dipping in and out of those rabbit holes. 

Two weeks ago I attended the wedding of a niece (well, I still call her niece and she still calls me aunt even thought she is his blood niece). 

Of course, MLCer and the Owifey were there.   

Rabbit holes, indeed.  It hasn't gotten easier, but dangit, I refuse to let them best me. 

They left before dinner was served.   So score a point for the LBS! 

Sending a cyber hug and support. 
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#31: November 28, 2020, 07:36:31 PM
Goodness, I have taken quite a leave of absence. I seem to have lost all the threads I was following. I will have to spend some time catchIng up with all my LBS friends.

I have been working hard and trying to deal with this virtual
learning situation with S15. He is struggling a great deal. D19 is working now PT and in college FT and not having her home as much has been a struggle for me. LB, of course, doesn’t give a flying fig about any of it as far as I can tell.

And that about sums up my absence. Oh and I turned 50!  The kids and I took a couple days off With BFF and her D  and stayed down at the shore but S and D were trying to do school virtually and it was just stressful. We came home to malfunctioning smoke detectors and a broken dishwasher so just ugh with this whole year.

I wrenched my back moving furniture to make room for the Christmas tree. So my few days off surrounding Thanksgiving have been spent largely shopping on Amazon rotating. Ice and a heating pad. Hoping to get the rest of the Christmas decorations up tomorrow.

As Watcher noted, I am at neutral place with the holidays these days. Neither excited nor disappointed. Of course, I feel like that about the entire year. The only up side is there is nothing happening these days and so there are no interactions with LB.
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#32: November 29, 2020, 04:08:16 AM
DF

  I still have bad days and wth days and its been a little over 5 yrs for me. So give yourself a break . I bet you got over it faster than you did before.
    As for virtual learning ughhhh . My grandson is 6 and he is like ,I'm home not in school, or thats not how we do it in school . Daughter is having a hard time with him

  And all the stuff breaking and tearing up all at once. In my situation I got in the bathroom turned on all the water and cursed him like a mad woman ,him and new wifey got all new stuff . So yeah we all react and thats ok


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#33: December 01, 2020, 10:13:30 AM
Today is MOO2 birthday. This annoys me. I am not sure why.  But I am not full of grace about it. I am all Bah Humbug.  At least I recognize that I should be more graceful about it.  I woke up this morning to her picture on my social media timeline by her brother wishing her a happy birthday.  Ewwwwww.  Worse yet it was an old picture... a young MOO2, probably college age, a person who I recognize as my friend. Blah!  Curse the whole day!

I felt like wishing her a miserable birthday but then I realized she has LB and dysfunction junction so..... that is enough misery for one person to last a lifetime. I should know. 

Anyhoo, I made a hair appointment for myself.  Giving myself a gift today.         
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#34: December 01, 2020, 10:47:55 AM
Good idea on the pampering appointment for you.  Sounds like this day is a trigger for both of us, in different ways.  MOO2's birthday, my wedding anniversary.

Something bright today, my old co-worker had her baby and he is just beautiful, a bright spot on my timeline.  I had attended her baby shower on the day of my son's housewarming party.
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#35: December 02, 2020, 06:14:46 PM

As Watcher noted, I am at neutral place with the holidays these days. Neither excited nor disappointed.


I sure hear you on being in a neutral place regarding holidays.  I do have Christmas up and find some peace and comfort social distancing at home.  Work has just about pushed me over the edge.  I feel bad for S - this is just a horrible way for most students to be educated. 

Sorry to hear about your back.  I split and stacked about 11 cords of firewood over the last 6 weeks and I've been at the chiropractor and massage therapist twice trying to get readjusted. 

No need to wish the OW a miserable birthday - she does, indeed, have dysfunction junction right up in her space!     ::)
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#36: December 04, 2020, 02:44:07 PM
Hello Faith and SB.

Glad to have company on my December 1st.  A few others were having trigger days on December 1 and well and I decided December 1st is just blah!

SB I honestly wish that they would just close the schools for a month. We have all had it - kids, teachers, parents, administrators. We are all over all of it and the kids are not learning anything but how to survive and it is just getting worse out there. S just doesn't care anymore.  Everyone is on edge and cranky. 

Anyway, D called me today to tell me that the outlaws are here now.  LB's brother and his trashy girlfriend now have COVID and my nephews have both tested negative and moved into the outlaw's house.  LB and TF are now not living there anymore but D doesn't know where they living... or she does and doesn't want to say.   She seems unsure if this is a permanent situation or like a 14 day quarantine period or whose idea it was for them to leave.

I find the whole thing delightfully funny that they are out on the streets in a pandemic. Ousted from their frat house. Oh, I do so hope they are both shacking up with MOO2 and they are all on their worst behaviors.  It is like an early Christmas present of sorts when dysfunction junction won't even have your sorry selves.         
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Re: Cleaning Out the Garage
#37: December 04, 2020, 03:06:30 PM
DF, you really know how to describe the MLC scene - disfunction junction. It's disfunctional enough without the Covid, but it gets oh so complicated with Covid, lock down, quarantine, masks, and thrown out of your frat home. Whilst you are at home whatever should happen. Following and sending you lots of support.
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#38: December 14, 2020, 11:25:27 AM
Hello Milly!!

It would seem that dysfunction junction was just getting warmed up at my last post.

The COVID crisis seems to have passed and LB and TF have moved back into the outlaws house. Then Grandmother passed last Friday.  So we are in the throws of planning a super spreader dog and pony funeral with a viewing, high mass at the catholic church and a luncheon.  We have people flying in from out of state. It is like an insanity. D has been told she is expected to attend but nobody has mentioned the funeral to S.  ???

So I have been all over the place emotionally.  I found out from a cousin that she passed. Nobody from dysfunction junction has contacted me. I did, after all, call her Grandmother for 20 years. Do I attend the funeral? Send flowers or a card -- to whom? I feel like there is correct course of action I need to take but I just can't sort it out of the madness.  D stopped over the outlaws Friday night and says the infighting has begun between the siblings about money.

After speaking with D and some friends, I decided not to attend the funeral. We decided that it could only be a spectacle if I showed up.  And I don't wish to see any of the living people or be a spectacle or see LB and maybe MOO2.  :P

As far as S, this is not my problem.  He has no clothes appropriate for a funeral in his closet. So unless LB and his family make arrangements for him to get new clothes I am sending him as his usual Nike commercial - which should go over well as Nike has been banned. I figure S's attendance in his Nike apparel will be enough of my presence at the event for everyone.  8)   My mother is just disgusted with LB and his utter lack of parenting skills.

I am still trying to sort out the arrangements with no communication from the other side.  I told D no to the viewing.  Socially distanced mass is ok I guess and luncheon... well, I vote no unless it is just a small socially distanced group.  If these ridiculous people ruin my Christmas with their super spreader event I am going to be very annoyed indeed.       

Oh, I forgot to mention it is supposed to snow on the day of the super spreader funeral.  Snort.             
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« Last Edit: December 14, 2020, 11:28:23 AM by Dumbfounded »
Married 1998
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Re: Cleaning Out the Garage
#39: December 14, 2020, 04:27:51 PM
DF I’m sorry to hear about in law grandma passing but I would not go either. Grandma wouldn’t see your presence or card or flowers. I also agree it’s not the time for a gathering of too many people.

Re your S turning up like a Nike add, I love that. Hope he can get back to his sport in 2021.
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#40: December 14, 2020, 08:40:02 PM
Send S with his basketball as well!   ;)

Condolences on the loss of someone that was a part of your life for 20 years.  Mourn and pay your respects how it best work for you, DF. 

I sure hope this super spreader event doesn't ruin your Christmas as well.  Keep us posted.

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#41: December 15, 2020, 01:47:01 PM
I'm sorry for your loss DF. But the super spreader event---really? I am sure they fall into that strange contingent that seem to believe this COVID stuff is not so serious. And don't care if they get it b/c they will beat it.....never thinking about the spreading aspect. I deal with that type too. Infuriating.  Happy you are being selective about where D goes for the events.

Love that S will go with his Nike gear. I know that was the brand you were talking about before. LOL. My MIL refuses to buy that brand too--same reason.

SO I may try some yoga as you suggested for my back. I'm actually sore everywhere these days b/c of old age apparently.  I've only tried the hot Pilates, and no real yoga experience. But on your recommendation, I'm going for it. Probably do my "mind" some good too.

Again, I am sorry that you are having to mourn her outside of the festivities. But that may not be such a bad thing.
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#42: December 16, 2020, 02:46:09 PM
Hello Milly, SB and KIT!!

KIT, yoga literally saved my life. I originally started about a year after BD when I was in BAD emotional shape. I needed to occupy my mind with something else but the ruminating thoughts of BD and all that followed. I was going three times a week and it was literally the only peace of mind I was getting in those days. I keep it up now because if I don't go I start to get all kinds of aches and pains like an old lady.   

We survived the funeral today. I did not attend. D ratted out my Nike plot to the enemy and MIL made LB take S out for new, appropriate funeral clothes. S was happy as a clam to have Dad's attention and some new, although uncomfortable, digs.  In the end, the kids attended the 40 minute catholic mass (masks and social distancing enforced) and the gravesite service.  No viewing and NOOOO luncheon with a hoard of "it is just like the flu" masses.  So. we are laying low for a few days now to make sure there was no COVID issues at the funeral and we can proceed to see my Mom for Christmas.

I had my own little memorial service for Grandmom is my bedroom. I thanked her for being my Grandmom and told her why I could not attend her service. I prayed travelling mercies for her safe journey to the other side and sent her my love.  I still felt a little guilty not going today but it is time to move on from this 3 ring circus and set off on my own.         

I received in the mail today the last signed document I need from LB to FINALLY get the house fully and completely in my name.  I have only been waiting for it since February, 2019.  It was like a God wink from Grandmom.  I winked back.             
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#43: December 18, 2020, 04:51:48 AM
Hello,

Quote
I received in the mail today the last signed document I need from LB to FINALLY get the house fully and completely in my name.  I have only been waiting for it since February, 2019.

Congratulations on your final document. I am have been waiting on one last document from my ex so that she can get her share of my retirement. Until it's done, there is nothing I can do or plan, but neither can she.

Quote
I had my own little memorial service for Grandmom is my bedroom. I thanked her for being my Grandmom and told her why I could not attend her service. I prayed travelling mercies for her safe journey to the other side and sent her my love.

Don't feel guilty. You took time out to honor her and that was enough. I bet she would prefer that to unnecessary awkwardness and drama at her own service.

Keep moving forward and have an awesome weekend,

((((Ready))))

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#44: December 18, 2020, 10:31:36 AM
Thank you Ready.

If you want a giggle, I am told I made the picture board at the funeral under the Granddaughter section. Heck yeah I did!!

MIL gave D a necklace from Grandmom.  She said Grandmom wanted D to have it.  It was a nice gesture.     
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D16, S12
BD March, 2016
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H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

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#45: December 29, 2020, 10:55:25 AM
Just popping in to wish everyone happy holidays!!

My Christmas was quiet.  When I wasn't home, I was hanging at my Mom's house with my sister and her family.  The kids had their usual Christmas Eve dinner with the outlaws - takeout this year.  The kids reported that everyone was is good spirits  and no sign of MOO2.  Christmas morning the kids opened presents with me and had a big breakfast then headed over to BIL's house for present opening there. The kids were intrigued because they have never been invited to BIL's house. They reported a chaotic scene and said nobody really asked them anything except my nephew.

The kids came home with a present for me from nephew and one from an Aunt and Uncle.  As I received nothing in return from anyone last year (which really stung), I was quite overwhelmed by the small gifts this year. I think it bothers the kids that I get nothing from the outlaws despite my sending gifts for them from myself and the kids.   Anyhoo, I sent off thank you notes to nephew and Uncle as the gifts really did mean quite a lot.

And that brings us to that time of year when I pick a word for the following year. I was brushing my teeth the other day trying to remember my 2020 word.  It seems to have gotten lost in the global pandemic.  I have to go back and look it up on my thread.  I think it might have been "action"  - which would explain why it would have gotten lost in mid -March when everything shut down.  I have been trying a few words on but nothing fits quite right just yet.                     
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« Last Edit: December 29, 2020, 10:56:46 AM by Dumbfounded »
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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#46: December 29, 2020, 11:13:44 AM
I think there are no words for 2020. LOL

Makes me smile they sent a gift. Merry Christmas!
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« Last Edit: December 29, 2020, 11:19:18 AM by KeepItTogether »
Me 49
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S13
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#47: December 29, 2020, 01:19:22 PM
KIT - No words for 2020.  You got that right!!  Lol!

Much to the kids horror, the gifts made me cry.  After spending the afternoon at home by myself, it was nice to think someone out there remembered me and thought to get me a gift. 
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Married 1998
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D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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#48: December 29, 2020, 01:28:41 PM
Oh DF, those dysfunctional outlaws may seem like they have cut you out completely, but make no mistake, you have left a mark on them forever. You are one person that can never be forgotten.  Still, a small gift is a nice reminder.
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#49: December 29, 2020, 02:06:54 PM
A quiet Christmas here as well, DF. 

Nice to read that there are still people in LB's family that remember you and appreciate you.  I'm not at all surprised that the gesture made you cry. 

I can't even remember if I had a word for 2020, much less what it would have been! 

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Re: Cleaning Out the Garage
#50: December 29, 2020, 03:32:10 PM
I agree with what Kit and Still said. You are not forgotten by the inlaws. It was nice for you and thoughtful that they did think of you and want to send gifts back to you, whatever they were.

Regarding a word or two for the new year, I'm heading towards 'Anything goes.'
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#51: December 29, 2020, 06:32:35 PM
ACTION was indeed your word, which oddly enough can anagram into tao inc, a tonic, Taco IN! or act ion.

Evolution. That's a nice word, though it does not anagram well. ;D
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#52: December 29, 2020, 09:12:05 PM
Catching up, DF. I'm happy to hear about the gifts. I know really miss my former in-laws. Grieving the secondary losses is so hard.

Have you considered "rising" for your 2021 word? (I obviously stole that idea from your signature).I could really see next year being a year that you - and others of us in the class of 2016 - rise up from the wreckage and shine. Just a thought. And I'm sure I'm not alone when I say the word I want to use for 2020 is "OVER."
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Together 28 years, married 27. Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA  |  BD #2: 2018 - FA

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W asks for divorce - August 2019 | Divorce final - September 2019 | Moving on

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

New Here? Read this! http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1149.0

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#53: January 03, 2021, 02:23:51 PM
DF.....I'm glad you all survived the holidays, and that there are still a few decent relatives on LB's side who  see you for the wonderful person you are and gifted you accordingly.  It is nice to be acknowledged and appreciated.

I was glad to check in on your thread the day before New Year's Eve because it reminded me to choose my word for 2021.  I ended up choosing RECEPTIVE in light of all the changes and new things that have flowed into my life these last few months. I want to be as open to all new opportunities and challenges as possible.  I feel the winds of big life changes starting to swirl ever so gently again, and I think 2021 is going to be a year to savor and remember.   

As for 2020, my word was GROWTH and what better way to grow than to be thrown into a global pandemic?  lol  I think we are all grateful just to have survived.  Not sure if you've decided on a word yet or not, but I do like PJ's suggestion of RISE because you definitely are showing an upward and forward movement these past few months.

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#54: January 03, 2021, 04:43:20 PM
Happy New Year!!
I like to sit with my previous year’s word for a few days before I select my word for the next year because each word has taught me something that usually leads to my next word. I was leaning heavily toward “gratitude” because I am just so dang grateful to have made it to the end of this year having kept our health and finances in order.  There are just an endless amount of people that pitched in, rode shotgun and sat in the trenches with me this year.  I literally cried big fat tears of joy when my partners and I were able to hand out Christmas bonuses to the employees this year when our goal in April was just to break even and keep it all together.  So much gratitude.

While I joked that my 2020 word ACTION was lost, the more I thought about it the more I realized that this year was action packed. Swords at the ready 24/7 fighting the good fight every single day to move the needle forward for my partners, employees, clients, church, kids, family and friends in the craziest circumstances.

So, I was driving along thinking about how much ACTION there was In 2020 and how grateful I was when that little voice in the back of my mind came in and started rattling on about the things that didn’t get done and how nothing was getting done in 2021 with me laying around eating grapes and writing thank you notes. And I realized that the field of undone things would remain undone unless I put on my big girl pants and dug in. Ugh!

And then a song came in the radio about courage. And just like that there went my easy, grateful year.  And so COURAGE is my word for 2021. May 2021 be the year I summon the COURAGE to tackle the things that scare me the most.

 
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« Last Edit: January 03, 2021, 04:45:43 PM by Dumbfounded »
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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Re: Cleaning Out the Garage
#55: January 04, 2021, 04:47:35 AM
DF, what a lovely post. Your gratitude for what you did achieve in 2020, which I think was amazing, is such a message for us all. I also appreciate what I have had as opposed to what I didn't get this 2020. Love the word Courage. Onwards and upwards! En garde!
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#56: January 11, 2021, 09:27:22 PM
I am still mulling over my word for 2021 and hopefully am getting closer.  I can't remember what my word for 2020 was either.  Like you, I lost it in the pandemic I think.  I'll have to go back and see if I wrote it anywhere.  Usually I find a creative picture of the word and screenshot it.
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#57: January 11, 2021, 10:38:57 PM
Hi DF! I found my way back to the site. I didn't realize how much I missed all of you.  And how much I love your writing,  your humor and your way of picking yourself up no matter what.

I think courage is a great word,  but I hope you don't discount how much courage, and grace, you've already shown in the years since BD.  You have been such a strong,  wonderful parent to your children throughout this.   You are such a remarkable lady!  I promise not to stay away too long in the future,  but I'm so glad I get to see you on FB!
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"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

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#58: February 21, 2021, 08:06:25 PM
It has been a hot minute.

I have finally managed to get the last document signed by LB and get the house into my name alone. Now working on a mortgage modification to remove his name from the mortgage and homeowners and I am DONE.

The outlaws have decided they want to take the kids to the Bahamas for a family vacation at the beginning of September. Things were apparently rolling along smoothly until they realized that they couldn’t get S a passport without my  consent. The dysfunction over there is show stopping.

The trip is planned for the first week of D’s fall semester at college in the middle of a pandemic. Oh, and we weren’t going to let the mother know about it. Freaking unbelievable.

So I sent LB a message telling him that I thought it was pretty crappy that his family would plan a vacation that would cause D to miss her first week of college. No reply.

I had to withhold tax documents to choke money out of LB to pay for college tuition.

He is truly a crappy parent. No sense of obligation or responsibility for his own kids.

S is still struggling. This virtual learning is a disaster for him. He has finally been able to get back on the court for basketball in the last few weeks but it is just all weird and he is truly frustrated.

I am just so over all of it. Tired of being stuck at home with nothing to do but laundry. I work all the time out of utter boredom. I have watched more tv in the last two months than I have in my entire life. My big outing these day is the grocery store. If I see one more snowflake I am going to scream.

Really ready for some springtime so I can get out and take a walk and do some gardening and finish cleaning out that dang garage.
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« Last Edit: February 21, 2021, 08:09:39 PM by Dumbfounded »
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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#59: February 22, 2021, 12:39:28 AM
I hear you with regards to the "Get Out of the House" thing... although, R and I have been regularly going outside on the weekends for walks/hikes and I go out for a walk daily with the dog (between 5-8 km), I am having "Wind Therapy Withdrawals" since the weather has been decent lately. I changed out the battery on my motorcycle on Saturday and am eyeing the weather this week intensely to see when I might be able to get out over lunch....

S13 is also struggling with the virtual format and I have had to kick him in the butt to get him going.... He has seen it as a half-holiday, waking up for his first video conference (at 10:00) instead of getting his happy rear end out of bed like he is supposed to and his grades are showing it. We had a "Come to Jesus" discussion on Thursday and he said that he will start getting up early enough to shower and have breakfast so he is ready to go at 07:50 like he would if it were regular school... That lasted for exactly 1 day ::)

LB's vacation planning is .... well ...... his head is still shoved well and truly far up his ... fog....

UM

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Re: Cleaning Out the Garage
#60: February 23, 2021, 02:11:23 PM
DF, UM said it better than I can. Your H is still a completely useless parent just like my H. But, CONGRATULATIONS on getting that last document signed by that old leaky bucket so that you will have the home in your name. You will have a roof over your head for you and the kids. You will have financial control. This is really huge. Your H is as deep in the tunnel as ever. Maybe he's having a beer in there mine.

I'm sorry your S is struggling with the online schooling. Some kids prefer it and others can't handle it. Your S being very sporty is probably a kid who needs to use his muscles and have daily physical activities like mine. Sitting around all day is getting to him. He should not berate himself when he gets on the court these first times back and finds he's gone backwards in his game. This is only normal. Sport is just like playing the piano: if you haven't practiced for 9 months, you won't be able to play your last piece any more. Slowly slowly he will get better again. He needs to give himself a chance. For us a year of this is a long time, but imagine for kids. For them a month is a long time. This must feel like years to them.
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#61: February 23, 2021, 06:02:30 PM
DF - the struggles are real!   

We brought all 9 -12 back on February 16 and starting tomorrow they are back in distance learning until March 8th because of positive covid cases and exposure in our food service.  The elementary is staying in session and paraprofessionals will be in the kitchen putting together bag lunches to deliver to the eley classrooms for the duration. 

From my perspective distance learning doesn't work well for about 75% of the students.  It's tough on educators who are used to regular brick and mortar teaching.  Bouncing back and forth between the two is even more crazy.  Yeah, I'm over it too. 

Vacation in the Bahamas at the start of a school year for both kids......without even consulting their mother.....dumb idea. 

Nice work getting the house business taken care of.  You're almost there.  Stay the course. 

And UM looking at potential days to get a motorcycle out!?!?  Geez, we just had 11 straight days of -28°F (with wind chills at -45 or so).  It finally broke and then we just get snow dumped on us.  I never figure I can ride until the first of May, if I'm lucky! 

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#62: February 24, 2021, 03:57:36 AM
And UM looking at potential days to get a motorcycle out!?!?  Geez, we just had 11 straight days of -28°F (with wind chills at -45 or so).  It finally broke and then we just get snow dumped on us.  I never figure I can ride until the first of May, if I'm lucky!

I was out yesterday, even if it was only to run to the motorcycle shop to get a liter of oil, the gas station to fill the tank, and then a short ride (8 km) up the Autobahn to the next exit and back to get the crud out.... I was nearly orgasmic... Wind Therapy at it's finest (but WAY too short) It was 18 degC and is today too ... If my work schedule permits, I need to go to the hearing aid place a couple of villages away for batteries tomorrow...

@Milly, it is not only the sports folks that are suffering... My choir has been out of commission since last March and the director wanted to make some individual recordings of hymns (which is still allowed) so I went in to do one or two and found that my range in the top end has gone to Hades in a handbasket... The throat (singing) muscles are also suffering...  :(

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#63: February 24, 2021, 09:24:44 AM
There you go, UM. So DF, you can tell your lovely S that everyone's muscles need re-tightening. I mean, I think UM will be able to sing again?
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#64: February 24, 2021, 10:45:41 AM
I so enjoyed this back a forth banter!! You guys almost make me want to get a motorcycle.

Our district is going to attempt a back to in-person learning on March 15th.  I realize it is only a few short weeks away but it seems like an eternity.  Who knows if it will even happen.  March 13th will mark a year of S being out of in-person school.  Then he hurt his leg in basketball.  Probably because he is so out of condition.  Off to the doctor now and there goes that activity for now. 

But on the bright side, it has finally stopped snowing.  It is a glorious 50 degrees today and all the piles of snow are melting.
   
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Married 1998
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D16, S12
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H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
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#65: February 27, 2021, 03:39:32 PM
Oh I am sorry to hear about the leg!  Dang it!  We have had some really nice days during the week and then the weekend hits and it's back to crappy weather.  Not fair.  I also have Spring fever, and really ready for the warmer months so I can get back out to camping and paddle boarding.

I feel really bad for the kids stuck online when they want to be in person.  S15 has been so glad to be in person this year other than the 3 weeks online between Thanksgiving and Christmas break.  They just sent out a survey for next years schedule for us to vote on and S15 wanted me to vote for the same schedule he has now.  Basically in person is limited to 4 classes a quarter so that they can better track "cohorts" of kids and it seems to be working.  S15 likes the 4 classes versus the 8 because he can concentrate better on having just 4.  Of course there are pros and cons to both, but I will vote for the one that he likes the best, and it won't be the end of the world if the other schedule wins.  At least it will be in person, hopefully!
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#66: February 27, 2021, 03:59:00 PM
D and I were able to bundle up and take the dog out for a nice long walk today. It was sunny but still brisk. It felt so good to be  outside and getting some exercise. I have been back to in- person yoga for the last few weeks ... it was so good to get back in the studio and see my fellow yogis.
At this point, S wants to quit school. He says it is all pointless. He thinks he is just gong to get a job and live the life. It is a constant battle - skipping virtual classes and not dong the assigned work. He now has a school appointed therapist. It has been a grueling year.
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#67: February 28, 2021, 07:33:15 AM
Hello,

As an educator, I feel your son's pain. In 2015, the Center for Research on Educational Outcomes (CREDO) did a complete study on online charter schools and student outcomes. The report was dismal. The findings were that the average student's interactions in a week with a teacher was less than a day with in person instruction, student engagement was difficult, and placed significant expectations on the parents. The average student lost 72 days of instruction in Language Arts and 180 days in Mathematics.

That was why I never would entertain or recommend approval of an online charter program. This study was based upon established schools with curriculum designed for online instruction. Do you think the public schools suddenly became experts?

Learning is a social interaction. I'm not saying that one can't learn online, but it is more difficult and requires training, expertise, and alternative means to engage that we haven't perfected. As an educator, I fear that the learning loss of this past year could create a new "Lost Generation" unless we push to extend the school year for the next few years to recover the lost time. That will require a commitment of teachers, parents, and students that has never been accomplished in the past.

Education is important to success in life. There are few jobs that don't require post secondary education. My uncle could fix any car back in the day....now with hybrids, electrical cars, and high performance vehicles (self navigating); the skill set is just so much higher...my uncle would be lost.

This high technical expertise is spreading across our entire job market. So keep encouraging your son and know the benefits of education pay off in the long run.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend,

(((((Ready))))
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#68: February 28, 2021, 04:42:04 PM

As an educator, I feel your son's pain. In 2015, the Center for Research on Educational Outcomes (CREDO) did a complete study on online charter schools and student outcomes. The report was dismal. The findings were that the average student's interactions in a week with a teacher was less than a day with in person instruction, student engagement was difficult, and placed significant expectations on the parents. The average student lost 72 days of instruction in Language Arts and 180 days in Mathematics.

That was why I never would entertain or recommend approval of an online charter program. This study was based upon established schools with curriculum designed for online instruction. Do you think the public schools suddenly became experts?


I can assure you that the district I teach in did NOT!  It's been a struggle since last March.   

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#69: March 03, 2021, 03:26:40 AM
Hey DF,

<Coffee spitting warning!>

Wasn't it LB that was the Pineapple guy a few threads ago or was it the OW?  I was wondering because I saw this and wondered if he had taken up a career in modelling with TF as a Strawberry....

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Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Cleaning Out the Garage
#70: March 03, 2021, 10:47:53 AM
UM, you have no idea how much I needed that humor today.

For those of you who might be lost - 2 summers ago MOO2 and LB took a blended family vacation with the kids and TF  ??? to the outlaw's second home in SC. As background, I love pineapples (and ladybugs and sand dollars- but those are irrelevant to this story). Pineapples are my most recent "thing".  Anyhoo, D was taking pictures on the plane and posting them to social media and low a behold MOO2 was wearing a freaking pineapple shirt in the background and I lost my mind - they weren't even tasteful pineapples on her shirt.  LOST. MY. MIND.  HS in an effort to keep me sane that week helped me dub MOO2 and LB the Pineapple King and Queen. The whole week was kind of a disaster and there have been no more blended events that last more than 2 hours  since then.   

Although MOO2's D's birthday was this past weekend. The weekend before MOO2's D invited D out for a birthday dinner. LB purchased a gift card for D to give to MOO2's D as a present.  D decided to go and it ended up being MOO2's D, her friend T, MOO2 and D - a "girls" night.  D said nobody made any reservations and because of the COVID restrictions the wait was like 2 hours. D said there was bookstore across the street and D , being a huge reader, decided to go across the street and wait it out in the bookstore. She said MOO2's D and T followed her over and spent the whole time following her around telling her how much they liked books and asking her opinion about this book and that. D was like for people who claim they love books they certainly spent a lot of time NOT looking at books and bothering me.  D said MOO2's D kept saying that they should hang out more.  D was like she is standing there lying to me about liking book and trying to convince me to hang out with her more. D said the kicker was when MOO2's D told her her REAL birthday celebration was NEXT weekend. D was like oh yeah, now I really want to hang out with you more that I am not invited to the REAL birthday party.

I kept trying to figure out what the whole thing was about.  Obviously the whole thing was cooked up by the adults for some reason. I suspect that MOO2 wants some kind of step-parent validation. I asked my friend to check social media to see if she had posted anything resembling a best step-parent girls night picture but - nothing.  If anything the whole night was off putting to D.  In her story, she never once mentioned MOO2.  Now I realize that she might just be omitting her to save my feelings.  Does this woman truly believe that she can ever actually convince my child to just get over the betrayal of her mother and destruction of her family and treat her like a beloved step-mom? Maybe a pineapple shirt would  have helped the situation.           

Ready and SB - virtual learning suks!!  For everyone.  I just don't know how I get S to check back in now that he has checked out.  D loves doing college online.  She is all organized and happy in her introverted little world of less people, more books.  :-\                       
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#71: March 15, 2021, 03:01:01 PM
Yesterday I celebrated 3 year divorced!!  It also happened to be LB's 52nd birthday.  I didn't celebrate that part of the day.

The outlaws are home - for either a wedding or a funeral - not sure which one exactly.  The outlaws planned a birthday dinner which the kids were included in. This would be the first year since BD that the kids have seen their father on his birthday.  Although the kids told me that it was a more a birthday dinner for FIL who shares a birthday with LB.  D said she sat in the corner the whole time and nobody really talked to her - then she presented me with a big slice of chocolate cake which she had absconded with from the party.  So, we sat on the couch eating LB's chocolate birthday cake and laughing about the dysfunction at the junction.

The biggest laugh of the day was when S came down dressed for the party with his old school Alan Iverson T-shirt and full Nike attire.  D was like dude I am HUNGRY.... you are going to get us kicked out of the party.  I said maybe you should rethink your outfit - he was like nope - if they talk crap about AI I am out.  Big eyeroll from D.   They managed to make it to cake so I guess it went ok. LOL!

     

             
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#72: March 16, 2021, 01:29:00 AM
The biggest laugh of the day was when S came down dressed for the party with his old school Alan Iverson T-shirt and full Nike attire.  D was like dude I am HUNGRY.... you are going to get us kicked out of the party.  I said maybe you should rethink your outfit - he was like nope - if they talk crap about AI I am out.  Big eyeroll from D.   They managed to make it to cake so I guess it went ok. LOL!



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#73: March 16, 2021, 06:00:39 PM
Well hey, if you got chocolate cake AND a laugh it was a good day! 

You S and his apparel choices always make me smile!   Hope things are going better with the in-person learning. 
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#74: March 17, 2021, 11:43:48 AM
S has been back in-person for two days now. Wednesday is all virtual for deep cleaning.  Aside from the shock of getting up and getting on the bus in the dark and being little parched from wearing a mask for 5 hours I think it is going well.

There are only 3 kids on his bus and his biggest class has 7 kids in it - so a lot of kids have stayed virtual.  S is getting loads of teacher attention.  We will see how long it lasts. 

We will attempt school with a water bottle tomorrow.   

I am seriously ready for some normal.         
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#75: March 18, 2021, 05:13:16 PM
Mmmm...chocolate cake.  You got the best part of the party, without the clowns!   ;D

Yes, water bottle is a must.  S15 takes one to school with him every day.

Our County is talking about fully reopening in about a month.  The Commissioners have the approval of the head of the health department and the Governor.

While it would be nice to have some more semblance of normal and maybe not so much mask wearing, I am cautiously optimistic.  But my fear is that we will have a spike in cases.  We are really ahead of the rest of the State as far as vaccines go, so that's looking good, but still, I'm glad that my work window has plexi-glass, and I'm not burning my masks like a lot of other people say they will be.
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#76: March 18, 2021, 06:04:42 PM
FW - the chocolate cake really was the best part of that party wasn’t it?  Not the clowns - I am dying!!

3 days down for in-person and I can already see S15’s mood improve. He is getting loads of teacher attention with the small class sizes. He got invited to play in the varsity basketball’s spring league - he was so excited. Although I wish it was more just excited and not so much nervous about doing another activity before we can all get vaccinated.

I am eligible for my vaccine at the end of the month here. I am ready!!

Nothing from LB - he has been completely absorbed into dysfunction junction.
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Re: Cleaning Out the Garage
#77: March 19, 2021, 02:56:21 PM
DF, I always enjoy reading your posts! So happy to hear that S15 is back in person school and was asked to play in the varsity team. Well done to him! I bet he needs this. I bet this helps him see hope at the end of the (covid) tunnel.

I also appreciated your S15 wearing his Nike outfit to Disfunction Junction for Leaky Bucket's birthday party. S has character! Nice to hear you're the one who got to eat the cake!

Hope you get your vaccine and life goes back to normal where you are.
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#78: March 29, 2021, 10:45:24 AM
Well, MOO2 and her kids got the invite for the Dysfunction Junction Family vacation to the Bahamas in August this past weekend,  I have to admit that I have visions of the whole dysfunctional event in my mind and I am terribly happy that I won't be there to experience any of it first hand. I have given up enough days of my life to family vacations with that crew to know that they are not relaxing.  As D says, they annoy each other enough from separate houses - cramming all 11 of us into two suites should be loads of fun.

I ran into my 22 year old nephew over the weekend and he didn't even know about the trip even though he is listed on the trip manifesto. He had to ask me the dates and then said - well those dates don't work for me because my fall semester of college starts that week.  I told him that D was having the same issue. Who books someone else a vacation without checking with them first?  Nephew was like I am going to have to make some calls.

Then D says that BIL's girlfriend has now declined to go because her kids weren't invited.  D says she is glad they aren't going because they are nothing but trouble.   But I smell a family rift starting there.....  the pineapple queen is making a bold power play and the reigning queen is defending her crown.  Oh I am going to need more snacks for this one.     

A friend sent me a copy of MOO2's social media post - saying she was over worked and underpaid and needed a vacation. LB posted under it "August is almost here!". Friend was like what is going on?  How utterly rich, LB playing like he is taking her on some wonderful vacation getaway when, in fact, it is all being funded and planned by the outlaws.  Nothing has changed - MOO2 is still unhappy and crying about money - and LB is still mooching off the outlaws and acting like he is the hero.  What a joke! 

And to think, the kids and I are going to get years of entertainment out of this situation.   

       
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#79: March 29, 2021, 12:00:34 PM
Don't you kinda wish there was video footage of the whole debacle? Extended family vacations are beyond stressful.  Almost need a vacation after that one. But I imagine MOO2 has fantasized it completely out of proportion. What could possibly go wrong? LOL.
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#80: March 29, 2021, 12:21:53 PM
DF.....a Dysfunction Junction family vacation,  what a trip, no pun intended 🤣  With the planning, or lack thereof, this sounds like a delightful disaster in the making.  Like you, I would be breathing a heavy sigh of relief and thanking the heavens I was not a forced passenger.   I do, however, feel for you kids having to be held captive.  It will probably be a nightmare for them, but I'm sure they'll return with tales of woe galore.
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#81: March 29, 2021, 02:02:07 PM
KIT - I have my own personal video footage running in my head.  I know all the players.  It is all about optics for MOO2.  She is never happy so it doesn't matter if the trip is good or bad as long as she can play up the optics on social media and to her co-workers.   

What a trip indeed BB.  ;D Speaking of lack of planning, I totally forgot that S's passport got denied because the information in his application is incorrect. LB sent me an e-mail telling me I needed to fix it.  I near laughed out of my chair. OHHHH I am not your fixer anymore.  I got fired. I don't want to leave the country in a pandemic.  Call my replacement  -MOO2 or your Mommy for assistance.   
 
I almost asked nephew if he had a passport  - but I thought it would be funnier if they all got to the airport and 3 of them lacked passports.

The kids seems to roll with the chaos these days.  There are small bush skirmishes because my kids are not easily controlled or manipulated and they know they always have home to dress the battle wounds and talk it out.  I am in the process of quietly getting my passport as well so I can get to them if the need should arise.  They know I am bada$$ like that.           
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#82: March 30, 2021, 01:32:21 AM
What a trip indeed BB.  ;D Speaking of lack of planning, I totally forgot that S's passport got denied because the information in his application is incorrect. LB sent me an e-mail telling me I needed to fix it.  I near laughed out of my chair. OHHHH I am not your fixer anymore.  I got fired. I don't want to leave the country in a pandemic.  Call my replacement  -MOO2 or your Mommy for assistance.         

That is hysterical... If LB is the one requiring the application/passport but you are supposed to "fix" his cock-up?

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Re: Cleaning Out the Garage
#83: March 31, 2021, 03:22:01 PM
Oh, DF, I do enjoy your posts! Your humour is just brilliant. Sounds like a movie: Disfunction junction extended family holiday starring Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler. Box office holiday hit! And love the idea that 3 of them might not have updated passports, but only discovered at the gate! Not impossible in a MLCer's world. Glad you got your passport in order, though!
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#84: April 16, 2021, 10:13:45 AM
Just checking in.

UM that is truly priceless. The forum needs to add a laughing hysterically emoji option because I think laughing should be encouraged here.

LB is on a guy's fishing trip this weekend at the outlaws other house down south. The kids told me. Then I noticed one of LB's old high school friends checked in to a fishing pier in Myrtle Beach on FB.  He has got the whole high school gang back together.  He is literally exactly where I found him in 1989  - living with his parents, driving a red car, hanging out with TF and K and fishing.  I guess he is happy back there in the 80s with MOO2.

I ran into my nephew again at the grocery store with D and he told us the most hysterical story about them trying to get passports.  Could have been a sitcom episode from the sounds if it.  He also told us that three of the travelling group are missing at least part of their first week of the fall college semester.  Boggles my mind that you would plan a vacation for a time that is not good for a good portion of your group and then insist that they go.

Still no passport for S.  Totally not my circus.               

   
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#85: April 16, 2021, 12:20:39 PM
DF....this trip sounds more and more intriguing as the non-planning plans come together.   Wonder if LB is making plans to visit the real Bermuda Triangle  since he's been living the alternate reality these last few years?
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#86: April 17, 2021, 03:24:19 PM
He is literally exactly where I found him in 1989  - living with his parents, driving a red car, hanging out with TF and K and fishing.  I guess he is happy back there in the 80s with MOO2.
Hilarious!  Some day I'm going to figure out this fascination with going back to the past. I had a great high school time, great memories. Why on Earth would I want to go back?  Been there, done that, it was great, maybe still have some t-shirts. But it is what WAS. Sure, maybe I still like fuzzy black light posters, but that doesn't stop me from being content today, as I am.  It's like their own personal groundhog day.
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#87: April 18, 2021, 05:29:48 AM
Funny you say this DF, I have felt the same about my H. When i first met him he said he was never going to have a 9-5 job, never going to own a car, and his ideal partner just wanted sex and pot. I think he's got everything he ever wanted right now. Don't know why I thought I could change him, though.
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#88: April 18, 2021, 06:01:36 AM
Oh if only LB and MOO2 could be lost in the Bermuda Triangle forever.

OR I had a few of those fuzzy black light posters back in the day too.  But absolutely no desire to go back living in my Mom’s house mooching off her hard work and generosity.

Milly, I suppose that there are people out there who desire nothing more out of life than to wallow endlessly in their addictions for all eternity.  My H certainly seems to be one of them. I certainly don’t understand that thinking. Nothing but pot and sex doesn’t seem like much of a life to me.

This weekend I am waging war against the millions of dandelions that have invaded my yard. I finally have the paperwork from the Bank to remove LB from the Mortgage.  And soon enough it will be my house, my yard, my Mortgage. It is a very good feeling out there in the yard fighting my very own weeds. 
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#89: April 19, 2021, 03:42:50 AM
Oh if only LB and MOO2 could be lost in the Bermuda Triangle forever.
<...snip...>
Milly, I suppose that there are people out there who desire nothing more out of life than to wallow endlessly in their addictions for all eternity.  My H certainly seems to be one of them. I certainly don’t understand that thinking. Nothing but pot and sex doesn’t seem like much of a life to me.

For DF -


but, as to the 2nd part - makes perfect sense if one doesn't want to have any responsibilities, to be able to always blame something or someone for their own failures or mistakes, no accountability, no owning up to consequences.... what's not to love there? I mean, let's face it, adulting really stinks sometimes... So, instead, let's just run off and pretend we are back in High School... Makes perfect sense, doesn't it? I mean, if history can be revised to the Mid-Lifer's liking, let's do it for real...
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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#90: April 21, 2021, 08:24:06 PM

This weekend I am waging war against the millions of dandelions that have invaded my yard. I finally have the paperwork from the Bank to remove LB from the Mortgage.  And soon enough it will be my house, my yard, my Mortgage. It is a very good feeling out there in the yard fighting my very own weeds.


Your very own weeds?!!?  Doesn't get much better than that, DF! 

Hearty congrats on getting that house business in your name.
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#91: April 29, 2021, 10:52:56 AM
Well, still waiting for LB to sign the last piece of paper removing his name from my Mortgage.  No excuses after that for LB.

In the meantime, he crashed his new red car and is driving around in a convertible Mustang rental car.  MLCer alert.  He had to come pick the kids up for ice cream last night - a Wednesday - for oh, the first time in ever he has seen them on Wednesday.  Usually he makes D drive to him - but not last night he had to pick them up.  S refused to go.         

Can he see himself?  I think not.
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D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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#92: April 29, 2021, 10:54:37 AM
Can he see himself?

I wonder that, often. I want to say, "Friend, you are a caricature"
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#93: April 30, 2021, 08:10:39 AM
Convertible Mustang. O. M. G. Nope, he absolutely cannot see himself. And more to the point, he doesn't want to. My H has said to me that he cannot look himself in the mirror b/c he hates himself so much. And yet, he continues along the same destructive, self-serving, immature path.  But yes, an addict for sure. They just don't care about anything it seems.

Well congrats on your home---I mean almost. LB will hang on to it as long as possible.
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#94: May 19, 2021, 08:32:51 PM
Well, MOO2 has gone done stuck her nose in my business. The kids had dinner with LB and MOO2 last Friday night and D said they were gong somewhere more “celebratory” in nature but D wasn’t sure why.

One of my friends texted me later that night to tell me that MOO2 was graduating law school this month and had accepted a job at law firm. A little digging and I learned that she is going to work at a medical malpractice firm very close to where LB works. It bothers me a great deal that this woman is going to be sworn into my profession in a few months because her ethics and morals leave a lot to be desired. Not to mention that she is moving from a job in healthcare to join forces with a place that will file suit against healthcare workers. It kinda smacks of going to the dark side.  But on the bright side, I don’t practice in that area of the law at all and our paths will never cross.

I didn’t really see D Saturday because she was working but on Sunday D let me know that she was invited to MOO2’s virtual law school graduation party but she was really super busy on whatever day it was going to be and could not attend. Then she told me that MOO2 told her at dinner Friday night that she needed to work more hours at her PT job - like maybe 40 hours a week- and pay for college herself because it wasn’t her parent’s  job to pay for her college education. She then proudly announced that she wasn’t helping either of her kids pay for college.  :o

I asked D what her father had to say about all this. D said he sat quietly in his chair and made no comment. I said well that was a good decision on his part because I am not above dragging his a$$ in front of a Judge to explain the math of why he is unable to assist his children with their college education given his income.

This has solidified my decision to not return to church as slapping this meddling gold digger in the house of God is probably bad form. She has crossed a line In my book and I think LB knows it. D definitely knows it and says she just needs to keep her opinions on that matter to herself.

I am so weary of this woman’s presence In my life and now her invasion into my professional world. Just totally barf worthy. 

On a positive note, if she expresses this nonsense in front of my outlaws my xMIL may slap her for me.
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« Last Edit: May 19, 2021, 08:37:18 PM by Dumbfounded »
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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Re: Cleaning Out the Garage
#95: May 20, 2021, 03:08:59 AM
DF, I completely understand your frustration. I would be so mad, I'm still mad at my H's OW interfering with what she thinks is best for my kids. These OW don't know how to stay out of the way.

OW graduating and getting a job in an office that sues health care workers just shows how she is only out to get what's in it for her, as has always been her intentions. She doesn't even care enough about her own kids. Tells you what kind of person she is. What boggles the mind is how our Hs think this is a valid person to be with.

In any case, your D seems to be pretty grounded and knows what's ok and what's not. Although it hurts to hear all this stuff, I suspect your D told you because she needed to get it off her chest. How anyone thinks kids can work 40 hours a week and complete a degree, I don't know.
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#96: May 20, 2021, 06:52:54 AM
Being a former healthcare worker and now suing healthcare workers seems to me like it has "Conflict of Interest" written ALL over it in about 5 different languages....

As for the working and getting a degree..... Hmmmmm ..... that is pretty much what I ended up doing but as an adult in my late 30's/early 40's and it is NOT easy... Did my B. Sc and M. Sc. as a full-time working adult.... Possible? Yes. Easy? Fun? No....
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#97: May 20, 2021, 01:19:59 PM
UM, I don't know if it is a conflict of interest as much as a serious character flaw.  Technically, she is using her knowledge from her current profession to launch herself into a second profession. Nothing wrong with that.  And there is nothing wrong with holding a profession accountable for misdeeds. So, I guess the train derails in my mind when you are using the knowledge you gained from your first profession in your second profession to cause harm to the first profession.  And I suppose the argument is that she is holding the first profession to account - but that is not really how it works in a law firm.  In my mind, you are dishing on the people you worked with in the trenches in your first profession for financial gain in your second profession.  A betrayal.  But I guess we all know that is not something she has a problem with.       

I am having such a struggle trying to sort out my feelings about all this.  I suppose it is because when I first heard she was going to law school, shortly after BD, it was that moment, that exact moment, that I realized she was trying to steal my whole firetrucking life.  That is wasn't about star crossed lovers or two innocent people caught in an unintended love triangle or blah, blah.  It was about a jealously that burned so out of control and that she was trying to destroy me  so she could take what I had and there was my H was helping her along with her attempts to destroy me entirely.  And now this law school graduation feels like anther attempt on my life in this years long battle to keep her from destroying me. 

As for the college discussion, I worked two PT jobs and put myself through undergrad with the help of a small inheritance from my grandmother.  My parents had nothing to give me but covered my car insurance and other things to help me out as best they could.  I took large loans to get through grad school and lived on ramen noodles.  It was not easy and I ended myself up in the hospital at one point from not taking care of myself.   But the cost wasn't so outrageous back then and why would you want that for your kid?  Did the kids whose parents paid for everything appreciate it less?  I don't know - I didn't have time to hang out with them - although LB was one of them I suppose and there he is still mooching off Momma for his comfort.  So, maybe MOO2 has a point.  I don't know.  But, in the end, it really is none of her business.                             
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Cleaning Out the Garage
#98: May 20, 2021, 03:54:03 PM
Ok, DF, let me get this straight:  The sour Pineapple Queen thinks her kids and your kid should figure out their own educational expenses, but she's ok taking up with a lost boy living with and mooching off of his parents at midlife??  Ok, then.  There just are not enough WTFs to cover the thought process and decision making skills (or lack thereof) with these firetruckwits.
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#99: May 21, 2021, 12:33:39 AM
Ok, DF, let me get this straight:  The sour Pineapple Queen thinks her kids and your kid should figure out their own educational expenses, but she's ok taking up with a lost boy living with and mooching off of his parents at midlife??  Ok, then.  There just are not enough WTFs to cover the thought process and decision making skills (or lack thereof) with these firetruckwits.

SERIOUSLY!   ^^^^^THIS!^^^^
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Cleaning Out the Garage
#100: May 23, 2021, 09:18:59 AM
DF - at some point I would guess your D might just be "busy" for any and all events hosted by this woman.   Time will tell. 

In the meantime, you just do what you need to do to keep LB accountable for the things he needs to be accountable for.  I'm putting my money on your skills!
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Cleaning Out the Garage
#101: May 24, 2021, 12:18:42 PM
Beyond, this is why I model my bada$$ery after you. Truer words have never been spoken and I laughed out loud when I read your post.  Yep, Beyond cut through the monkey brain and nailed it.

Ever since LB bailed, the kids and I having been building up a list of "our" places verses the places that LB haunts.  We have a few new places we eat that are decidedly out of town and very un-LB like.  One of which is a diner like place that prides itself on being very environmentally sustainable  - paper straws, farm to table, vegan options, etc.  All the things LB is not. 

Anyhoo, LB bailed on Friday night dinner with the kids without explanation.  So, D and I and one of D's friends decided that, since we are all vaccinated and hungry, we should venture out to our favorite diner place for our first indoor meal in a year. It is a little bit of a hike and never too crowded  being in an out of the way location.  We went and had a lovely time.  S chose to hang at friend's house instead.       

On Saturday, LB decided he wanted to reclaim his missed dinner.  S was decidedly not interested.  D decided to go.  I took advantage of some free time and hit the grocery store and picked up some takeout on the way home.  While I was out, my phone notified me that D was at our diner place.  As we had just been there the night before, I knew this wasn't D's idea and since it isn't LB's kind of place that leaves the sour Pineapple Queen.  This annoyed me to no end mostly because I have put a lot of thought and effort into "our" new places and now she has  soiled one of them with her presence.  Honestly, what does she do stalk us and try to go the same places?  I think you should get your church and eateries as part of the divorce 

Anyway, when I got home from grocery shopping D was home already and was seriously annoyed.  She said they even had the same waiter and confirmed that it was indeed the sour Pineapple Queen. Why does she get to pick?  It is my kid's dinner with her father you evil wicked married girlfriend.  If I was D, I would take SB's sound advice and just stop going to MOO2 attended events.  What was the point of all that "I know what you did last night" nonsense?  Freaking evil to the core.     

             
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« Last Edit: May 24, 2021, 12:20:18 PM by Dumbfounded »
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

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Cleaning Out the Garage
#102: May 24, 2021, 02:29:59 PM
DF...If you could possibly somehow fake the most hideous hairstyle...like some crazy, terrible short shag wig with a definite 70s look for about a week, just maybe sour PQ would get it for reals and be stuck growing it awkwardly out for a couple years 🤣🤣  This rotten fruit(cake) is in need of GAL herself 🙄🙄
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#103: May 25, 2021, 02:27:03 AM
DF...If you could possibly somehow fake the most hideous hairstyle...like some crazy, terrible short shag wig with a definite 70s look for about a week, just maybe sour PQ would get it for reals and be stuck growing it awkwardly out for a couple years 🤣🤣 



I like this idea...
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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#104: May 25, 2021, 09:56:07 AM
Ok, DF, let me get this straight:  The sour Pineapple Queen thinks her kids and your kid should figure out their own educational expenses, but she's ok taking up with a lost boy living with and mooching off of his parents at midlife??  Ok, then.  There just are not enough WTFs to cover the thought process and decision making skills (or lack thereof) with these firetruckwits.

OMG-dying!

DF I totally get it. It is a double betrayal for you b/c she was a childhood friend. And now here she is trying to be you. But the problem with that is, she is NOTHING like you. She may be a lawyer......assuming she can pass the bar.  And she may "have" LB", as much as a lost boy could be "had." But that is where the similarities end. She is not fit to lick your boots, and she knows it. Her trying to "parent" YOUR kids is such a joke considering their own father, her boyfriend, can't even be a parent.  None of her business. But she is so consumed with jealousy, seems like she will try to insert her pathetic self into any aspect of your life she can.

Anyway, I totally get how you are feeling. It is such crap. And they are truly a sad pathetic lot.
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Cleaning Out the Garage
#105: May 25, 2021, 11:07:09 AM
DF - Following along.
Sour PQ is indeed just strange.
Who even does that?!?
Ohhh. Never mind.
I’m sorry that she’s trying to taint your special places with your kids.
Just horrible.

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#106: May 25, 2021, 03:18:15 PM
People to this day still ask me - weren't you two good friends?  My answer these days is "apparently not" or "she was never my friend".  Because I have come to the conclusion that she was never my friend.  Which is a good thing because it allows me to let go of the guilt that if I had been a better friend to her she would never have done this me.   

Can I just add that SPQ is doing an terrible job at impersonating me for real. The law degree, job at the law firm, pineapples and LB do not provide adequate cover for her lack of being a decent human.  If you want to truly impersonate me you have to start with some fierce momma bear attitude and add in a huge dollop of loyalty.  And her choice in pineapples is atrocious.       

I was telling my mother the other day the latest SPQ saga and mother said she is like the ending of a bad movie when you realize the person you thought was good turns out to be evil beyond what you could even imagine.  When I mentioned she was graduating law school this Thursday my Mom said her parents haven't mentioned it at all.  In fact, she said her parents have mentioned her at all in a very long time.         
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Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
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#107: May 26, 2021, 01:10:37 AM
Can I just add that SPQ is doing an terrible job at impersonating me for real. The law degree, job at the law firm, pineapples and LB do not provide adequate cover for her lack of being a decent human.  If you want to truly impersonate me you have to start with some fierce momma bear attitude and add in a huge dollop of loyalty.  And her choice in pineapples is atrocious.       

I was telling my mother the other day the latest SPQ saga and mother said she is like the ending of a bad movie when you realize the person you thought was good turns out to be evil beyond what you could even imagine.  When I mentioned she was graduating law school this Thursday my Mom said her parents haven't mentioned it at all.  In fact, she said her parents have mentioned her at all in a very long time.       

Hey look! I found a picture of SPQ! Google can do almost anything!




ROFL
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Cleaning Out the Garage
#108: May 26, 2021, 05:20:48 PM

Is it awkward for your mother to be speaking with MOO2's mother?  I assume a church friendship.  Is her mother aware of the relationship? MOO2 is still married? UGH...this is all too close for comfort!
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#109: May 26, 2021, 08:20:41 PM
Zion, MOO2’s father and my father were best friends. Our families spent an enormous amount of time together growing up. We vacationed together. There were six children between the two families and we all grew up together like close family. My Dad passed in 08 and MOO2’s parents look in on her often.

As LB appears in social media pictures at MOO2’s family functions, I can only assume that they are aware of it.

In fact, LB is bailing on dinner with the kids again this Friday to attend MOO2’s law school graduation party at her parents house. The kids both refused to go.

My Mom says the conversations with MOO2’s parents stick to the grandkids for the most part.
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#110: May 29, 2021, 11:55:04 AM
Ugh!! So I have tried to brace myself for this week but woke up this morning to a social media post from MOO2’s younger brother with a picture of MOO2 in full cap and gown, LB, MOO2’s mother and younger brother sitting on a couch (selfie style) with this long tribute to MOO2’s tenacity and how proud he is of her accomplishment while raising two teenagers, working full time, and going through relationship turmoil, still going to church and blah, blah. TRIGGERED!!

Then to add salt to the wound a few people who I consider friends liked it. TAILSPIN. 

To make matters worse it is pouring rain today. So I have spent all day struggling to recover my balance - I went to yoga and spent the morning angry cleaning and texting my sister and friend. I know certain things to be true and I get so frustrated when I wobble like this. I just want so much to look at that picture and not know the people - have no reaction at all. But nope - just all comes flooding back - the lies and betrayal. And there she sits wearing the colors of my profession with my Firetrucking husband smiling her a$$ off and getting hundreds of likes.

It is all ego I know - mine, theirs, his - but dang it I am so ... so... I don’t even know how I feel to even feel it and let it go today... just Lawd someone take it away and knock me over the head to give me amnesia so I don’t remember these fool people anymore!!
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« Last Edit: May 29, 2021, 11:57:24 AM by Dumbfounded »
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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Re: Cleaning Out the Garage
#111: May 29, 2021, 07:36:04 PM
Ugh, that is beyond infuriating and sickening to have to see that/know it/feel it. I would be gutted, stupid people with their fake social media lives, most people wouldn’t have any idea what’s going on in the background of that scenario. Hold your head high DF, anyone can post a good story/photo, but do they sleep well at night. Leave them to their chaos, and keep living the wonderful life you are having with your kids, family, friends and work x
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Cleaning Out the Garage
#112: May 30, 2021, 04:24:39 PM
Hey DF, oh yes what a success (not), no mention of her stealing a Husband and messing up life for a second set of teenagers. It really is pathetic and I completely understand why you are feeling as you are today. None of it is real, they are all a hot mess, a volcano of a hot mess. You know who you are and that means more than any ridiculous post of some middle aged pineapple eventually getting a qualification. Head high my friend, straighten that crown, Normal people in such a situation would have had a quiet celebration but NO as these are NOT NORMAL PEOPLE it all has to be all over Facebook.

Smile and walk on.....absolutely nothing (really zero) to see here. Remember who you are and what you stand for. Take care of yourself. PG xxx 
   
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#113: May 30, 2021, 08:22:54 PM
Thanks CLG and Philly.
I moped around most of yesterday until a few friends coaxed me out for a drink. We sat outside under the outdoor heaters cursing the miserable weather, eating appetizers, making plans for the summer and laughing. It was a lovely, heaven sent distraction.
And amidst all the planning and laughing I suddenly realized I am 20 light years ahead of MOO2. Juris Doctorate, LB, starting associate at a law firm, the outlaws... all 20 years behind me. She can’t catch me. Never. She will always be 20 years behind me.
I allowed myself one last look at the social media and tucked myself into bed at midnight the last thoughts drifting through my mind all the summer plans my friends and I had dreamed up  and the thought that it would be 20 years before MOO2 can touch this.
I watched church online this morning and MOO2’s father stood to make an announcement and I thought oh here we go. He announced that a relative’s special needs son was promoted to manager at the local fast food restaurant and he sat down. I sat in utter disbelief ... no mention of the law school gradation of his daughter. Oh snap!
You can’t touch this.
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#114: May 31, 2021, 12:18:09 AM
It's known as "FakeBook" for a reason....

And the no mention of the graduate is VERY telling... Papa ain't happy with the husband-stealing sour Pineapple Queen....
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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#115: May 31, 2021, 05:15:20 PM
DF, "true glory takes root, and even spreads; all false pretenses, like flowers, fall to the ground; nor can any counterfeit last long."

MOO2 is just a cheap counterfeit.  Keep your head up, girlfriend!
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Re: Cleaning Out the Garage
#116: June 03, 2021, 02:46:39 PM
DF, you really are 20 full years ahead!!She will never ever ever catch up. Can't, not possible!

Very telling that her dad didn't mention it. Did she fake it?
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#117: June 04, 2021, 10:24:19 AM
"true glory takes root, and even spreads; all false pretenses, like flowers, fall to the ground; nor can any counterfeit last long."
- Marcus Tullius Cicero

FW this is such a lovely quote. The sour Pineapple Queen really is a fraud.  I just think about how much more amazing her life would have been if she had honored her marriage, her family, her friendships and her faith and still accomplished all of this.  But instead she ran around grabbing at the things other people had and taking what wasn't hers and stepping on everyone in her way.  And now this accomplishment, and all of them to come, are tainted by all her jealously and sins.  And when people look at the post on Facebook they throw up a little in their mouth because they know exactly what this "success" is built on.  No thank you.         

And now she is off spending her whole summer studying for the bar exam. Yep.  Been there did that 20 years ago.  It sucked. 

My summer on the other hand - beach weekend with my girls next weekend. The following weekend my brother and family fly in for a week and then we all hit the road for a funtastic road trip with a stunning, rented house on Lake Ontario.  I hear it is a Great Lake!!  I will be posting my amazing trip on Fakebook. Then the new fence goes up at the house in July. 

Because ... You can't touch this.   SPQ will be 68 before her turn comes around.
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Cleaning Out the Garage
#118: June 07, 2021, 04:14:36 PM

My smmer on the other hand - beach weekend with my girls next weekend. The following weekend my brother and family fly in for a week and then we all hit the road for a funtastic road trip with a stunning, rented house on Lake Ontario.  I hear it is a Great Lake!!  I will be posting my amazing trip on Fakebook. Then the new fence goes up at the house in July. 


DF - Fakebook, indeed!  Glad your true friends lifted your spirits.

Your summer plans sound fabulous.  I'll be following your vacation travels. 

Nice to read that your brother and family are coming for a visit.  I wondered how things were going for them. 

Is S doing any summer basketball? 
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Re: Cleaning Out the Garage
#119: June 08, 2021, 03:10:26 AM
DF, you are doing amazingly! Love your summer plans. Isn't this what family is all about! Bet your kids are very excited too! Fakebook it all!

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#120: June 08, 2021, 10:37:43 AM
D is super excited.  S is in a weird teenagery place where hanging out with the family is not so cool so he is much less excited.  As I told my brother, it is more like a hostage situation with S.  He calls it the "stupid lake house" and thinks he is packing his PS5. 

Made all the worse by all the COVID restrictions.  So no basketball this summer - it was just all up in the air and S is just done with things getting cancelled so he is taking a "break".  Not sure what he plans on doing with his "break" but he is going to start it out with us road tripping to the "stupid lake house" to see some "stupid waterfalls and stuff".     

I have to chuckle - his friend group has started referring, among themselves, to all the mothers by first names - a brazen act of defiance against the killers of all fun.  I was putting away laundry and as I walked past his door I heard him telling his friends "Well, DF is making me do this and that and I can't because DF insists I have a stupid tutor and then I have to go to the stupid dentist".   And his friends all sympathized loudly with his first world problems of education, healthcare and cleaning up all your worldly possessions.

Don't be fooled,  He is livin his best life.                     
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« Last Edit: June 08, 2021, 10:39:03 AM by Dumbfounded »
Married 1998
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BD March, 2016
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H filed for D - July 24, 2017
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Cleaning Out the Garage
#121: June 08, 2021, 12:10:01 PM

I have to chuckle - his friend group has started referring, among themselves, to all the mothers by first names - a brazen act of defiance against the killers of all fun.  I was putting away laundry and as I walked past his door I heard him telling his friends "Well, DF is making me do this and that and I can't because DF insists I have a stupid tutor and then I have to go to the stupid dentist".   And his friends all sympathized loudly with his first world problems of education, healthcare and cleaning up all your worldly possessions.

This just cracked me up!  I so remember those days.

Don't be fooled,  He is livin his best life.   

Of course he is.  He doesn't see it now but you're going to reap thanks and praise for your mothering when he hits the age of 20 or so.
 
               
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#122: June 08, 2021, 01:40:28 PM
SB - I sure hope you are right because most nights I hit my knees before bed and provide the good Lord with a long list of grievances about S and then end my prayers with a quick ...  oh, and please don't let this fool boy end up in jail with these nice teeth I have worked so hard for.  :P   
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#123: June 09, 2021, 03:14:15 AM
S is in a weird teenagery place where hanging out with the family is not so cool so he is much less excited.  As I told my brother, it is more like a hostage situation with S.  He calls it the "stupid lake house" and thinks he is packing his PS5. 

Made all the worse by all the COVID restrictions.  So no basketball this summer - it was just all up in the air and S is just done with things getting cancelled so he is taking a "break".  Not sure what he plans on doing with his "break" but he is going to start it out with us road tripping to the "stupid lake house" to see some "stupid waterfalls and stuff".     

I have to chuckle - his friend group has started referring, among themselves, to all the mothers by first names - a brazen act of defiance against the killers of all fun.  I was putting away laundry and as I walked past his door I heard him telling his friends "Well, DF is making me do this and that and I can't because DF insists I have a stupid tutor and then I have to go to the stupid dentist".   And his friends all sympathized loudly with his first world problems of education, healthcare and cleaning up all your worldly possessions.                   



SB - I sure hope you are right because most nights I hit my knees before bed and provide the good Lord with a long list of grievances about S and then end my prayers with a quick ...  oh, and please don't let this fool boy end up in jail with these nice teeth I have worked so hard for.  :P   

Not to mention the "and please give me the patience to not knock them out of his face...."   ::) ;D ::)
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#124: June 09, 2021, 09:35:40 AM
Oh UM I learned years ago not to pray for patience.  There is a running family joke that I once prayed for patience and the Lord sent me D so I could practice.

D's younger years were a struggle for me as D is an exact mini me.  I learned, through D, that I am not easy to deal with being independent, opinionated and brandishing my German stubborness like a weapon.  I am lucky that D had taken on most of the world by the time she was 11 and had perfected her don't mess with me glare in middle school before S came into his own battle for independence.  Although exhausting... I could always follow D's logic ... S has is own bizzare teenage boy logic that confounds me most days.  I always start with the premise that  S was not thinking and that is how we arrived in the current situation.  We can only work the problem forward from here.  :P     
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#125: June 09, 2021, 07:49:02 PM
Sounds like a fantastic Summer DF.

SB - I sure hope you are right because most nights I hit my knees before bed and provide the good Lord with a long list of grievances about S and then end my prayers with a quick ...  oh, and please don't let this fool boy end up in jail with these nice teeth I have worked so hard for.  :P   

This gave me quite the chuckle.
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#126: June 10, 2021, 03:26:32 AM
S has is own bizarre teenage boy logic that confounds me most days.  I always start with the premise that  S was not thinking and that is how we arrived in the current situation. 

Oh, S probably WAS thinking ... but with which head? <snort>
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#127: June 10, 2021, 05:49:28 AM
Hello,

Quote
D is super excited.  S is in a weird teenagery place where hanging out with the family is not so cool so he is much less excited.  As I told my brother, it is more like a hostage situation with S.  He calls it the "stupid lake house" and thinks he is packing his PS5.

Overall, I can look back at my life and overall state I have had a good life and I was generally a good person except for my teenage years to young adult (14-22).  I was an overall jerk. Maybe that's why I won't have my own mid life crisis because I never want to return to those years.

Quote
S has is own bizzare teenage boy logic that confounds me most days.

Yes, and with my situation, mixed in with a lot of confidence that I was the smartest thing since sliced bread enabled me to breath with complete arrogance. And yes, my parents only goal in life was to prevent me from enjoying a good life and fun with my friends by expecting me to do chores, help around the house, and be home at a reasonable time. In my eyes, my mom was a mean dictator and couldn't see that I had all the answers to how to live my life. Then I go to a small college in Florida and realize rather quickly- bro, at best, you're average in smarts, and a big zilch in worldly experience.

That's when I truly began to grow up and become an adult and at 56, I am starting to get there. So I have a lot of empathy for your son.

Have an awesome day,

((((Ready)))))
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#128: June 14, 2021, 11:26:08 AM
Ready, you give me hope that this S of mine will turn out to okay eventually.  And UM  ::)

But for better or worse we have reached SUMMER.  We have somehow managed to pass all of our classes and have escaped the dreaded summer school. Congrats to all my educator friends out there!!  Go big this summer because you have all earned it!!  I can't even think about September!!       

This weekend I actually meet some friends out on the deck for drinks, dinner and a live band with dancing.  It was sooooo glorious!!  Got to experience my first uber ride.  A friend posted a picture of us on social media and we are seriously killing it.  D was working and S was staying at friends house so I stayed over at my friend's beach house and woke my bada$$ self up on the beach.  Hot dog! 

Meanwhile, I have held strong on my refusal to go back to church.  My Mom and BFF are quite unhappy about it and I get a lot guilt from them with the you shouldn't let her run you out of your church, just come and ignore her.  I tried that for 5 years - it doesn't work or I am not in that place yet.  Whatever, it is the last place that LB and MOO2 can reach me and I am cutting the cord.  In some respects, I am just annoyed by the church.  We can have a week long go round about the appropriateness of the figurine of Jesus in the front vestibule but the woman committing adultery with my husband gets invited to serve communion.  ??? Nobody will speak to that?  As told BFF, the church has all but bent over backwards to sweep it all under the rug for the pineapple Queen - so now they can keep her.  She can take up all my committee positions, my teaching position - everything I did is all hers now.  Good luck!  The church and I obviously don't believe the same things anymore.     

So, I am looking for a new church now to the horror of my Mom and BFF.  The minister at my church is retiring and this past Sunday was his last Sunday. They had a little outdoor luncheon after the service.  My Mom was horrified that I refused to attend.  But it seems a fitting time for me to bow out as well.  This obviously struck a nerve with the Pineapple Queen as D got an earful of how she needs to go back to church. Why?  Nobody follows the rules there. 

No worries Pineapple Queen... you already have a good roadmap of your next 20 years.  You don't need to know what I am doing now.  By the time you get here you will be too old to finish it up.  Meantime, I will be at the beach 20 light year ahead of you.   
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#129: June 14, 2021, 01:04:36 PM
DF...SPQ must be getting dizzy from sucking all your fumes because she has become delusional enough to think she has any moral high ground to stand upon and tell your D anything about church lol.

In 20 years, you'll still be killin it and she'll be a dried up, leftover never was 💯💯
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#130: June 14, 2021, 01:36:54 PM
Imho, DF, part of recovering from the damage of profound betrayal is reclaiming the right to choose the kinds of folks who honour our essential boundaries vs those that don’t. I am very sorry that your previous church community decided to avert their eyes and avoid challenging the dissonance between what people in given roles preach and practice. But I encourage you to recognise what this recent choice says about your own recovery and your confidence in your own boundaries. Seems a very positive bit of honest self care to me.....God imho may embrace sinners, but he tends to have some bits in there about contrition, sinning no more and the humility of trying to make some amends if I remember rightly  ::)....and as a person of faith, i suspect that God applauds a bit of honest self care and a desire for peace in your heart and life :)

Go find your own new faith family, DF......there are some darned good humans out there.
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« Last Edit: June 14, 2021, 01:39:39 PM by Treasur »
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#131: June 14, 2021, 02:56:02 PM
BB - Isn't it just a laugh riot that SPQ would lecture ANYONE on going to church given that it is HER immoral behavior that has chased us away.  There was a lot of eyerolling from D and hooting from me in the telling of how SPQ felt D needed to be churched.  And I realized she was panicking because she can't see me.  Can't copy what you can't see I guess.  Sorry sweetie - time for the next level.   

Treasur - thank you. Thank you for your kind words of support.  I am not getting them here in RL and it stinks. You finally get to a place where, in order to grow, you have to make some decisions that make others uncomfortable.  You realize that your old broken self benefitted your friends and family and this new person that is emerging does not serve them well.  And so they fight back with guilt and anger and frustration.  And it is so disappointing because you finally feel so happy and they are all pouting about it.  So, it is really nice to have someone be happy for me.         
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Re: Cleaning Out the Garage
#132: June 14, 2021, 03:05:53 PM
Oh, DF, I am your biggest fan!! You are doing amazing! This decision to leave the church that claims values but welcomes the woman who went after a married man, a family man, and allows her to sit in the same church as you, the lawful wife, mother of his kids, humiliated, hurt beyond words but having to be the bigger person....You saying no to this, is growth. We will not accept these kinds of 'friends' any more. We will not turn ourselves into a pretzel for people who are not behaving the way we believe in.

A new, lovely church with values, with no MOW2,3,4x2; a place that is safe, with no history or siding  - you deserve that. Everyone does. Goooooood for you, DF!!! You are teaching me a huge lesson!
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#133: June 14, 2021, 04:15:18 PM
I feel you on this one DF.  Not for me, but for my friend who's x and Owife show up at Church all the time.  I get hackled just seeing them there.

And then my own MOL (mother-out-law) chastises me on my FB page for having come "close" to her town and not reaching out and of course I feel bad and make excuses but the reality is that she comes into our town all the time to see her son and his new wife and doesn't reach out to me.  On top of that, how does she expect me to want to stay at her place knowing that she allowed her son to sleep there with a woman who was NOT his wife, a woman who is not even now his wife.  Does she think that I will want to spend the night in that guest room?  Knowing what I know when my sweet young teenage D came home and said that he shared that room there with his GF while he had the kids.   ???  A room that I used to share with him when we went there together.  Does she not understand what types of triggers would be laying all around her town, her home, etc.?

No, I intentionally did not go into the town.  The lake was a lot safer as we only boated there once with the kids a long time ago when they were small.

Yes, obviously I have some work to do before I would be ready to enter that town again, as the only reason we went there was to visit his parents.  And now the reality is that he has taken 2 women there since then that are not me.  Ick.
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#134: June 15, 2021, 12:23:35 AM
DF,

Sometimes we outgrow our "Faith Communities," especially when we are confronted with the blatant heresy (Do what I say, not what I do) in their actions as opposed to their words. I had a similar experience in some ways that left me "unchurched" for several years. I did a fair amount of "church shopping" until I found a place that not only welcomed me as a person but also encouraged me (and still encourages me) to grow as a spiritual human being.

Just because you've found that you were actually playing int he proverbial vipers den, there are other faith communities out there that will be a better fit, that don't have SPQ's lurking about, that are not turning a blind eye to her kind of behaviour. It may take some time but you'll find one again.

Treasur said it best:
Quote from: Treasur
God imho may embrace sinners, but he tends to have some bits in there about contrition, sinning no more and the humility of trying to make some amends if I remember rightly  ::)....and as a person of faith, I suspect that God applauds a bit of honest self care and a desire for peace in your heart and life :)
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Cleaning Out the Garage
#135: June 17, 2021, 05:53:31 PM
Sorry sweetie - time for the next level.   

   

I suspect you've been next level for quite some time. And SPQ can suck it.  She truly is pathetic. A perfect mirror for the person LB has become. 2 peas in a pod.  I am happy you are leaving that behind b/c I am sure  it is still jarring to see. Bad enough she sees your kids. You don't need to be around her hypocrisy.

I'm happy for you too DF. You are pretty amazing. And you deserve to do the things that bring you peace and joy.
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#136: June 20, 2021, 06:04:58 PM

You finally get to a place where, in order to grow, you have to make some decisions that make others uncomfortable.  You realize that your old broken self benefitted your friends and family and this new person that is emerging does not serve them well.  And so they fight back with guilt and anger and frustration.  And it is so disappointing because you finally feel so happy and they are all pouting about it.  So, it is really nice to have someone be happy for me.     
 

Let them pout, DF.  Let them pout.  They may continue to lay the guilt trip on you for a bit.  You do you and find a church that you can worship in and that is SPQ and LB free.   

I've found in my faith life that attending and serving in a church with the wrong attitude/feelings hasn't served me (or God, for that matter) well at all.    Stop shopping, my friend.   Mom and BFF will see the light......eventually. 

Kudos on that first uber ride and waking up on the beach. 

Double kudos on S passing all his classes AND avoiding summer school.  I'll be there a day this week working with less fortunate students that couldn't get the job done!
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#137: June 23, 2021, 10:45:54 AM
Thank you all.  It is so wonderful to come here and see the support because IRL I am getting "well, church is for sinners and she is a sinner and church is where she belongs".  She is also a psychopath according to my IC who I should limit contact with so there is that.  Is she repenting, is she sorry, is she looking to make amends? BIG, FAT NOPE.  I shall let the church go about the task of reforming this sinner without me.

My brother and family are here this week. So loads of hugs and hanging out while trying to work and get ready for the big road trip.  I am totally exhausted.

LB has been picking up contact with the kids so the outlaws must be headed North soon.  Always a good time when the outlaws are in town.

A friend and I were having a drink on the deck last week and my friend (also a lawyer) took a sip of her drink and looked at me and said - guess what the SPQ is doing? I said oh Lord, what?  She said studying for the bar exam.  And we both laughed ourselves out of our deck chairs.  Suckin fumes baby.       
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Cleaning Out the Garage
#138: July 05, 2021, 06:20:35 AM
Well, we are back from our big road trip. I had forgotten how much I love a good road trip with good snacks and good company. It was so wonderful to be with my family again and enjoying each other’s company.
Posted lots of pictures to social media.  8)
A few days into our trip, the kids were bickering and when I inquired as to the issue S was having a meltdown because D had posted something to social media that got them uninvited to the big Bahamas trip in August. Really?  LB uninvited them, via text,  while we are on our vacation? How utterly petty.
I checked D’s social media and I don’t see anything that would  warrant a disinheritance.  I told them to just ignore the drama and there would be time to sort it all out when we got home.
We have been home for a couple days now and neither kid has bothered to tell LB we are home. It is also rumored that the outlaws came back during our vacation.
As a funny aside, I was watching the church service at my church online yesterday and when the joys and concerns started SPQ started talking and I suddenly lost the online  connection and couldn’t get back on. I laughed and told God - I see what you did there. Well played. I told BFF and she did not find it quite as funny. Oh well.
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#139: July 05, 2021, 08:06:04 AM
Was that the big Bahamas trip where you were supposed to go get their passports straightened out and all? ::)
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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#140: July 05, 2021, 02:59:37 PM
That is right UM -they have been uninvited from the big Bahamas trip where I had to fix LB’s passport mixup.  Apparently D’s political beliefs have disqualified her from attending and S’s support of her views has him on the naughty list. Oh the drama. I told them both not to worry about it - just a family toddler tantrum that will die out. Let them fight it out among themselves.  If not, we have passports now and will go our dang selves and I will post extra pictures of all our fun on Fakebook. What they gonna do then?

New fence is going up in a couple weeks. Working on the plans for that today. Gonna look sweet. The inside of the house is a whole other matter. I decided to focus on the outside for now. Ya know so the SPQ can see it.

Ya can’t touch this.
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Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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#141: July 05, 2021, 08:25:40 PM
I was admiring said pictures on social media.  Looked fabulous!

Wow, causing drama on your trip, how very MLCerish.  I am not surprised.

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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

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#142: July 06, 2021, 01:24:44 AM
That is right UM -they have been uninvited from the big Bahamas trip where I had to fix LB’s passport mixup.  Apparently D’s political beliefs have disqualified her from attending and S’s support of her views has him on the naughty list. Oh the drama. I told them both not to worry about it - just a family toddler tantrum that will die out. Let them fight it out among themselves.  If not, we have passports now and will go our dang selves and I will post extra pictures of all our fun on Fakebook. What they gonna do then?

New fence is going up in a couple weeks. Working on the plans for that today. Gonna look sweet. The inside of the house is a whole other matter. I decided to focus on the outside for now. Ya know so the SPQ can see it.

Ya can’t touch this.

So, SPQ and Co are supporters of QAnon and Agent Orange?

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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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#143: July 06, 2021, 11:20:01 AM
Oh make no mistake - SPQ has no dog in this fight.  She has always prided herself on not being a political person but she always leaned more right than left especially when it came to money matters.  My outlaws are a family of catholic cops and have always been very, very vocal on their conservative politics.   I don't think they have made it to a "storm the capital" mentality yet but I haven't been around them much and some very reasonable people I know have lost their political minds in these last few years.  So who knows.       
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Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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#144: July 06, 2021, 11:27:42 AM
DF - enjoyed the social media splash.  Looks like you and the tribe had a fabulous vacay. 

Internet connection cut - yeah, that's just as it should be.    :)
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BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

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#145: July 09, 2021, 10:42:22 AM
My B has extended his stay here until mid-month so it is like non-stop fun times. Quite frankly, I am starting to get exhausted from trying to balance all the work and fun. Trying to cram in a full, productive day at the office while making plans for dinner and a movie tonight, a birthday party for my niece, tubing, etc.  Oh and a big family trip to Europe next year is on the drawing board.   

Then I have my regular peeps trying to squeeze in on the fun - so it was trivia night with my girls at the local winery Wednesday. I was so tired last night I couldn't chew my dinner.  It was a happy tired.   

In the meantime, my Mom called to tell me SPQ showed up at church Sunday with red hair and looks ridiculous. I think I died my hair red - once - like 20 years ago.  It was a dumb idea.  I ran into my nephew at the grocery last night and he asked how NY was - which I found interesting because nephew never knows what is going on and the fact that he knew this means there is significant chatter on the subject.  I made sure to tell him it was fantabulous!! 

The kids haven't seen LB or the outlaws since our return. Friday is usually dinner with Dad night and D has made plans for us to go to the movies with my family tonight. A freakin MOVIE.  It is like I won the dag gone lottery. We all get to go to the movie theatre together. I feel like I might bust from excitement.

I am going to need a vacation from this summer  8)       

       
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Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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#146: July 09, 2021, 11:21:44 AM

The kids haven't seen LB or the outlaws since our return. Friday is usually dinner with Dad night and D has made plans for us to go to the movies with my family tonight. A freakin MOVIE.  It is like I won the dag gone lottery. We all get to go to the movie theatre together. I feel like I might bust from excitement.


Lottery, indeed!  You've got it goin' on there, DF! 

I hadn't been to a movie theater since the beginning of 2020, but when F9: The Fast Saga opened I wasn't going to miss out!   

I went by myself but I'm a big fan of those Fast & Furious movies and I enjoyed it immensely!  Whatever you're seeing I'm sure the whole tribe will have a great time.  Knock yourselves out! 

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BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

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#147: July 09, 2021, 06:16:01 PM
Wow, SPQ just seems to be following your time line, albeit 20 years late.   ??? ::)

Continue to enjoy your "lottery winnings"!  How awesome.   8)
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

D
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Cleaning Out the Garage
#148: July 19, 2021, 11:11:31 AM
My brother and his family are headed back home today after a month long visit. I think I need a month long rest to recover.  Super fun times but I think we are all ready to go back to some kind of routine and regular eating schedule.  I have gained weight with all this fun.  We counted three pies and one cake and a whole lot of ice cream.

My brother's last weekend here was marred by the SPQ.  My brother agreed to go golfing with his best friend and the SPQ's brother Saturday. I woke up Sunday morning to social media showing the SPQ had attended the golf outing as well.  Made me sick. Took me an hour to re-group. I kept waiting for my brother to mention it but he did not.  Then his silence irritated me. I kept looking at the pictures.  My brother looked uncomfortable and was not standing near SPQ. I am not sure whose brilliant idea it was to bring SPQ along but it was really inconsiderate to my brother. And SPQ actually showing up just shows what a raging lunatic she is.   

Then I am in that crazy place again trying to figure out what was going on... who invited her, how did my brother feel about it, who else knows?  You feel all those old lies of omission creeping in on you threatening to suffocate your sanity.  After the gauntlet of anger, sadness, disgust, terror, betrayal, etc. I decided that I would not mention her name and mar the last day of my brother's visit.  We were having a birthday party for my niece and I would not let SPQ attend it in any fashion.  If my brother wants to hang out in the past with SPQ, that is his choice, but she is not allowed up here mucking up my present.

Perhaps he feels he was protecting me by saying nothing.... but I know anyway and now he is placed in that space in my mind for the people whose story just doesn't add up.  And I am sad he is there.  But I am not interested in a red flag parade.  :-\

I am so sick of these people. They have no boundaries and no shame.                       
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Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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Cleaning Out the Garage
#149: July 19, 2021, 05:58:49 PM
Hey, DF. You might want to cut your brother a little slack. He was in a no win situation. Imagine, he goes on a golfing outing with some old friends and SPQ shows up. Does he come home and tell you and ruin your night?  Does he say nothing because really it had nothing to do with you at all? Should he have stormed off because she showed?

Unless he called and asked her along, he was left with choices that weren't so great.

But really, except for the fact that you were looking on social media, the bane of all existence in my book, her showing up at the golf event had nothing to do with you. Why are you so upset? Why are you giving her your valuable head space?  Why are you making your brother, whose only crime was not either storming off when she showed up or not knowing what to say so he said nothing, in to such a bad person? Why don't you ASK him why he didn't mention it if it is important to you rather that imagining and attributing things to him?

I can understand your frustration that she gets to do whatever she wants with impunity and it's not fair. Keep your own power and don't give one whit of it to a person who isn't worthy.
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#150: July 20, 2021, 03:54:59 AM
I can understand your frustration that she gets to do whatever she wants with impunity and it's not fair. Keep your own power and don't give one whit of it to a person who isn't worthy.

And while you are keeping your own power, ignoring SPQ and her antics, and NOT allowing her any more rent free headspace, it is time for a new thread



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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2956
  • Gender: Female
  • Time is a Gift! 🎁
Cleaning Out the Garage
#151: July 24, 2021, 08:49:03 AM
Oh man DF, that sucks.  I'm sure he was pretty uncomfortable.  Sometimes, third parties just tolerate the way things are as a means to keeping the peace.  I have had to see that too.  Mutual friends that have liked things on social media that my MLCEdgar or his Covidwifey have posted.  I try my best not to look these days.  And if I inadvertently see something I just repeat the phrase "water off a ducks back" until I no longer care.

New thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11805.0
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« Last Edit: August 29, 2021, 03:49:55 AM by Thunder »
Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

 

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