[Thunder]

First post, posted by Silver:

So call them script sentences or WTF moments,
Here are mine, these are all heard at least once during my journey from XW:

I don't know who I am anymore
I don't want to live in loveless marriage
I never though I would get trapped in my life like this
You were never there for me 
You are crazy
You are delusional/paranoid
You have been depressed for years
I feel like I am in the eye of a hurricane
I feel like I have to walk over anyone that stands in my way
I feel like I have to break my life to pieces
You don't let me change/grow as a person
Can we separate and then maybe get back together
Would you travel abroad with me? (after just left and divorced me)
Can we make a trip as a family? (after divorced months ago)

I'm sure I have more, will update maybe later. Feel free to post your  moments.

previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10840.0

[megogirl]

“You’re edgy.” (Bear in kind our marriage counselor had said to me/us “you have an edge!” about a week before that.)

“I love you as the mother of S17”

“You either grow together, or grow apart”.

“We have nothing in common.” 

“You hate my family.”

All of that.  UGH. 

[terra]

Don’t I deserve to be happy?
You can be committed to two people at the same time.
What if I’m married to you, but I live with another woman?
Don’t you want me to have friends?
I don’t want to die in [town where D and I live].
She’s a lot like you. Exactly like you, in fact.

:/

[Zion]

On BD night!
- ILYBNILWU
- You have never been with anyone else
- She is not a factor
- We can be friends
- I don’t want to keep hurting you
- The kids will be fine


From a meeting a few months after:
- “In 23 years you never gave me a surprise middle of the night XX”.
- I said that out marriage was easy.  “Our marriage was easy, but that’s not enough”!

Response to his best friends wife that marriage isn’t rainbows and butterflies always... “IT SHOULD BE!!!”

There is more,  but kinda happy that they are getting harder to recall!!!

[UrsaMajor]

Response to his best friends wife that marriage isn’t rainbows and butterflies always... “IT SHOULD BE!!!”

I heard something similar.... "Marriage shouldn't be like work. It should just happen... A relationship doesn't need to be worked on. If it does, there is something wrong...."

[Northdad]

"I need to be true to myself"
"I've lost my spark"
"I love you as the father of our children"
"Kids are resilient.  They will be fine"

I somewhat laugh at the last one.  My W comes from a broken home (abusive father).  She is leaving a 20+ year marriage. with no real reason explained to me or our kids.  Her brother no longer works (struggled to keep a job), stole money from family and is divorced.  Yep, divorce has no affect on the kids

[stayed]

I've never taken a risk, always played it safe!

It's my turn, I've always done what was best for others, now it's my turn!

I love you both!

As said by another, really glad I can't remember most of the madness! Ugg!

Hugs Stayed

[Acorn]

‘I’ve never been happy since the wedding day.”
“We are not compatible because I love the beach and you don’t.”

And, all that swearing!  This is a guy who never used foul language.  Not in my hearing, anyway. 
All of a sudden, it was F this and F that.  Unreal.  I told him to stop or I would stuff his mouth with a sock. 

[Nas]

"I feel detached from life and I don't know why."
"I've never felt good enough."
"I look at pictures from our wedding day and I don't remember feeling happy...and you look like you'd rather be playing in traffic."

[Slow Fade]

I love these threads!!!

Let's see if memory serves me....

ILYBINILWY
I just don't feel any "oomph" anymore    (well, since you got me a bed to sleep in a separate room....um....)
Its not about her, she's not a factor         ( Oh really? In what universe?    )
Our son likes you better                     (Well yeah, you are taking him on dates with OW behind my back!  )
I have to follow my heart                    (Well the Bible says our hearts are deceitful and desperately wicked so I guess that makes sense!  )
The dog is too fat.                            (My personal favorite.  )

[SailingAway]

Awesome topic, my ex said some great ones (destroyed me at the time)

You left the marriage long before I did (ok, news to me)
You made my hair gray
I regret ever meeting you (after 20 years together)
There is something wrong with you (this when I was crying about our relationship ending)
I have given everyone everything and there is nothing left for me
I feel dead inside (yet there was something wrong with me???)
I am going to die soon (he was 39 at the time)

And the absolute killer that still upsets me

The boys don't need a father (they were only 8 and 9 years old)

There were plenty more, but those were the ones he said multiple times.

[MourningDove]

I had the MLCer who bought a luxury convertible without my knowledge because OW said he deserved it. Six months later, he fired all but one of his long term clients and said he didn't want to work anymore, put the car up for sale and told me he wanted to move to a third world country and build huts for the poor.

Thrown into that whole nonsense, I heard from him...
- that he had been living a lie for the past 30 years.
- he felt that he needed to see what it was like to live on his own because he had never lived alone. (Funny, he was on his own at 17, having been emancipated and had his own apartment by then).
- after all of this, OW and I probably would become good friends. 
- OW was his soulmate
- maybe in 10 years he would look over and we could get back together
- he wanted to emancipate our S, didn't want to pay support for D, but he wanted custody of the dog.

Looking back, I kind of wish I had noted all of the crazy things. They were painful then, now they make me laugh a bit - pure absurdity.

[LBS_Les]

I got the following:

My soul was dying.
I left the marriage emotionally, long before I left physically.
I dont want to divorce, but I think we need to separate for two to three years and then date each other again.
Its too soon to make a decision on divorce
Im at peace living on my own.   I absorb other peoples energy
We are just so different, you just dont get me at all.
You never supported me
Ive always put you first, its time to put me first

[terra]

- after all of this, OW and I probably would become good friends. 

- You’d really like her. (pleading with me to understand why ow is important)
- She loves me a LOT. (said as if “realizing” it for the first time)

[Thunder]

Let's see....

I just don't feel like myself anymore...
I'm so old, just look at my hands...(he was 46...never looked better)
I think I have sun damage on my neck, it will probably turn to cancer...

Me- how do you just fall out of love with someone like this?
Him - Who ever said I didn't love you?  (Um because you want a divorce maybe)

My favorite...I can laugh at those others but this one stung....
Why should I pay you anything if we divorce?  We should just take care of ourselves. (I was retired...he made $30,000 more than I did)
Well you could just get a part-time job.  I shouldn't be responsible for you.   

[Essential]

Here goes;

It’s not about her, it’s what surrounds her.
I don’t love her but I might in the future.
With her I can be free, she also doesn’t want any kids.
I don’t love you, but I can’t say we’ll never be together again.
I have a colleague who took a five year break with his wife and afterwards they got married again.
You broke up with me.
It really hurt when you said we couldn’t be a throuple.
Last night, when you came by and left waited 20 minutes at the door, hoping you’d come back. (so we could sleep together)
I want to travel alone for long periods. (he never did so far)

Many more, but I don’t immediately remember and will stay out of that void 😅

[Milly]

My H:
I've been unhappy for 10 years
I've been unhappy since the day we married
We should never have married
I never loved you
I don't have any good memories of our marriage
kids are resilient
First we divorce, then we can talk about getting back together again
You disgust me
You're boring
You're always tired
You're a manipulator
You're a liar

[3longyrs]

I've been unhappy for the last 3/5/10 years...depending on her mood
I'm tired of having to take care of everyone
Its time for me to be happy
We want two different things now
You never want to do anything
You work too many hours
There is never enough money
We cant even agree on the dogs...
And yes...Ow is a nice person,you would like her....

[Evermore]

I got all the standard ones plus (said to a mutual friend): "I have fallen out of love with her. That happens all the time. They even write songs about it." and "We never hold hands when we arrive at parties"

[em5731]

 I am not domesticated any more
I am meant to live a different life
We haven't been happy for 5 years
I have done my time being a husband and a father
I just want to work and be happy.
I think its time you should be with someone else
You look good for your age, you are doable
I will visit you on holidays if I can

These are just the ones that really bothered me in the beginning

[OffRoad]

"You hate me!" ( )
"You waited all day to talk s#!t about me" (wasn't talking about him at all. Wasn't talking to him, about him, nothing)
Him " I want this hybrid sports car that someone at work mentioned was really cool"
Me: "If it is what you want, you should have it then. You work hard for your money, you deserve to have what you want."
Him, later "You never supported any of my decisions."
The generic " Everything is every one else's fault except his" (He NEVER was rude, augmentative, cruel, angry or ANYthing. Everyone else was just a jerk.)
"I  haven't loved you for 1/5/10 however many years" (changeable)
"We should never have gotten married."
"You don't need me" (How exactly do you need someone who is not there?)
"You were right, I checked out years ago when you said you felt like you were in the marriage alone. That must make you feel good." ( )

The one I have no desire to forget or forgive "We should have never have had the second child." The one he went behind my back to convince to live with him 3 years later.

[karmirtsaghik]

1) The love was gone long time ago
2) Our marriage was doomed
3) You are emotionally distant mother
4) You got cold on me after kids were born
5) Children can have 2 loving homes to go to. (one "loving" home was supposed to be with a OW who had 10 pages long criminal history including child abuse)
6) My relationship idols alway were my divorced aunt and uncle who remained friends. (not once before BD I heard this btw)
7) I have not abandoned kids. (even though he has not paid one penny for his kids for close to 4 years)

P.S. Time works miracles. It used to be that I could not write these without tears in my eyes. Now it is just what comes to my memory.

Hugs.

[Nas]

Had to dig up this thread, since this just popped into my mind as I was looking for a file on an old flash drive and came across some old documents.

In the letter H wrote me basically blaming me for everything wrong in his entire life, he wrote:
"I know you will say this is not what happened, but this is about feelings, not facts." 

I had totally forgotten about almost all of this WTF kind of stuff.

[Prism]

Absolutely! While I was still trying reason and responded to one of his strange accusations with an incontrovertible counterfact, he looked a little confused and said “But that doesn’t matter. All that matters is how I feel right now!”  That was when I stopped trying reason and logic. Sad, really....

[Thunder]

"I know you will say this is not what happened, but this is about feelings, not facts."

How on earth do you argue with that??  You just can't, it defies logic.

[Nas]

The saddest part is that the particular incident he was referring to was something that happened when he decided he wanted to pursue his dream of being a sports radio broadcaster, so I supported him going to a broadcasting school. I assumed responsibility for our mortgage and every single one of our bills for well over two years while he worked first at an unpaid internship and then an internship making $100 a week. He never sent out one single audition tape or demo.
Apparently his “dream“ included going to broadcasting school and then immediately getting hired by the only station that he would even consider working for. He did it all on my dime. One day he came home and asked me for my feedback on a show he had recently done live on a local radio station with three other guys. (The host of that particular show has actually gone on to some fairly big success.) 

He said to give him my honest feedback. I told him it sounded great, he sounded great, he really knew his stuff.  but that there was one moment when the host asked a question about dancing with the stars and there was a really long awkward silence. My husband and the other guys on the air clearly watched nothing but sports and had no other frame of reference, so my feedback was that in order to engage the audience, you should really be able to have at least a limited knowledge of the current pop culture references, not just sports.
At the time, I was in grad school myself, working towards my masters degree and also working a full-time job that allowed me to assume the entire mortgage payment and every other bill. I was in frequent writing workshops, since my masters degree is in poetry and creative writing. I was giving him the kind of feedback that I would have given to anyone in one of my workshops.

What I said was hardly a cutting condemnation of his ability to become a broadcaster. But apparently he took that as me “pissing all over his dream.” Even though I am the one who encouraged it. I am the one who helped him get into the broadcasting school. I listened to every show. I was his biggest cheerleader. And I was the one paying all of the bills and every single expense while  he made $100 a week or less and wasn’t even trying to find a paying job in broadcasting. 🙄

[OffRoad]

XH once told me I "never"  let him save money for the kid's college (don't even ask....) and I said "no one stopped you from saving money for the kids college. I certainly saved money.", he replied " I feel like you didn't let me." When I said "Feelings are not facts", XH responded "Yes, they are."  Well I suppose it might be a fact that you feel you feel that way.....

[Healing]

Him: “I love you but I’m not in love with you”
Me: “WTF… I give you 19 years of my life and you tell me this”
Him: “you’ve been playing me like a damn fiddle our entire marriage”
Me: “WTF…I can’t even respond to this.  How??”
Him: “I remember the very first time I disappointed you”
Me: “WTF…enlighten me because I don’t remember”
Him: “you didn’t love me enough”
Me: “WTF…what more do you want from me”
Him: “our daughters are going to love her….she is really something special”
Me: “WTF…what about me??  I’m really special!!  I’ve been raising our kids for the last 16 years” 
Him: “we got married because that’s what all our friends were doing”
Me: “WTF…why didn’t you tell me that’s why you married me” 
Him: “everything I have done our whole marriage has been for you but this Porsche is for me”
Me: “WTF…what about your girlfriend…she sure the heck is not for me” 

[Thunder]

Oh my gosh Nas, who could have been more supportive of him than you?

Will he ever remember this?
Will any of them remember the partner they spent years with who stood beside them before their mind turned to mush?

I know a midlife crisis is serious, but I have to wonder sometimes if it really does change their brain chemistry somehow.  It seems so few ever really come out of it better.

The only few I have seen over the years who seemed to come out of it have been pretty short term MLCer's (less than 2/3 years), or those who never left home.

Maybe it is because they really did have a midlife "transition" but never got to the level of a real crisis.  I don't know.

It will be interesting to see how this site evolves over the next 5/10 years when we have more data and more stories.

[Standing Strong]

The only few I have seen over the years who seemed to come out of it have been pretty short term MLCer's (less than 2/3 years), or those who never left home.

Maybe it is because they really did have a midlife "transition" but never got to the level of a real crisis.  I don't know.

It will be interesting to see how this site evolves over the next 5/10 years when we have more data and more stories.

I think it just comes down to pass or fail T....... They all have the choice, but the choice is their's to make.
Sad as it is, it's easier to throw it all away then actually try. If they try, they can make it (IMO).

-SS

[Thunder]

That may be the "key" word Standing.

If they have it in them to try.  Really try.
That takes a lot of courage from them.

[xyzcf]

I really do not believe that we have any idea of the "real" outcome of what happens in our members lives. Many members stop posting after they stabilize themselves but we don't know what happens in their future.

Other's go on to new relationships and even if their MLCer attempts to come back, they are not interested or not available anymore. I doubt many of these members return to document what has happened.

2 couples that I know who remarried after divorce, one occurred 7 years after BD, the other was 18 years...both are very happy. Another member who was very active on HS remarried after several years, but she had left the site a couple of years before he returned home. That's three that I know of off the top of my head.

A very good friend of mine, also an HS member, is definitely reconnecting with her husband and it has been 11 1/2 years since BD.

Lately I have seen this "message" being posted, twice this week and there is no factual basis to it..it is opinion, that's all.

The important thing is not to base your life on whether they return or not. At this moment, they are not home or if they are home they are not over their crisis....go and live your life....their crisis will resolve in it's own time and the outcome is not and never has been in your hands..unless you decide not to accept them back under any circumstances.

[marvin4242]

Some of my personal favorites from my list:

- “You trapped me here in xxx for the past 23 years,”  which is how long we had known each other. “Trapped” included having no kids, not having to work, traveling as desired and spending extended time away (2-3 months) on various trips including skiing.

- “My head tells me choosing OM is the biggest mistake I’ll make but I have to follow my heart.”  I was nodding internally while completely non reactive outside.

- “No one will ever love me as much as you do.”  Don’t even know what to say to that, except for her sake I hope that is not true in the long term.

- Told her sister part of the reason she left was that in the years we were together I never said “I Love You.” Besides not being correct it was an interesting reason to leave someone who spent, you know, 23 years actually acting like they are in love with you.

- The day she announced we should go our separate ways she listed all my faults again while I didn’t say a word, then she left the room. Then came back crying screaming “I am always taking care of you!” All I could think of was if telling me how awful I am is “taking care” of me oh please stop.

- This one actually cut deep because it was something that is fundamental and part of who we are. She said I “smelled wrong.” Not in the sense of bad or hygiene, but that there was no magic pheromone. I am guessing she was deep in limerence with the OM and so I was not creating any magic teenagy feelings for her. Which after 23 years I am sure was true.

[Wonder]

The script is absoloutely mind blowing to me!

I think I have added a big list here but I will write some more, which I know so many of us have heard also:

— My mother thinks you don't like her
— I am allowed to have friends! (in response to my questioning why he texts the sexy female pilates teacher)
— You don't neet my needs (I think I don't look porn star enough for his changed needs - nope, he didn't choose to marry a porn star 20 years ago and I am not a porn star now)
— I don't know who I am
— I hate myself
— I must be allowed to do this! To live a life of complete autonomy! I need this!
— I was your benefactor!
— You take me for granted
— Do you love me?
— Everybody likes you!
— You always look so good, I have no chin, grey hairs, a big nose and a gap in my teeth
— It has nothing to do with you or your behaivour .... Wonder's behaviour caused all of this sadly (in legal letters)
— You leave fruit stickers on the bench and cupboard doors ajar
— The feathers in your cushions dig into me (I always thought they were 'our' cushions)
— I always put you first
— Time to no longer be devoted to you
— I just want to think about myself, as selfish as it sounds
— I wanted to spend more time with my family but was afraid to ask you 
— You were good at asking for what you need in our marriage, I wasn't. Now this is what I need!
— I'm confused
— Sorry for the confusion, but as I said, I was trying to work out what it was that I was feeling
— As you know I have not been happy for a long time (I didn't know actually)
— I hope we both find our happiness (I never said I was unhappy)
— Wonder will be happier without me
— Time for a fresh start
— Wonder is perfect but I HAD to do this
— Text "I have to leave'... emails a few days later ... "Hi love, Hi sweets... asking for thing and asking after our dog'.
— The garden is too much for me to do on my own, could we garden together more
— siiiiiiilence (the not talking!)
— I am so sorry for the pain and hurt I have caused
— I have to DISTANCE myself from Wonder (Makes me sound like a disease)
— I wasn't in my right mind (in reference to his slick manner of leaving the marriage via an out of the blue text message ... and how are you feeling now H? Back in your right mind?
— Me: 'You can't leave our marriage without at least talking to me'.... H: 'YES I CAN!!!! Hang up phone.'
— LISTEN TO ME, LISTEN TO ME, LISTEN TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
— I HAVE THE RIGHT TO LEAVE AND YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! (all very true, but heck, that was a brutal way to end a long term marriage)
— I'VE CHANGED!!!!
— Wonder knows who she is, I don't know who I am (my heart hurts for him to hear he said this to a friend. What a huge struggle he is in).
— I do all the practical and emotional work in the relationship
— THREE emails to my lawyer stating that 'He needs to get to the house to list the chattels he wants'. He came, he went, (in Feb this year) he has not mentioned his chattels again since that urgent need to get here to list them.
— I need to come by the house to get some bits and bobs. It will be easier for everyone if you and the dog are not there. (Thanks for asking me)
— It's not us! It's a mid-life crisis! (that was the week before he ran away after his appointment with his psychologist - but then he RAN and ran hard and continues to run run run away from the disease that is me).
— I had my appointment with my therapist but didn't think you would be interested in hearing about it (why do they all think that we don't love them, don't care anymore! That couldn't have been further from the truth for me - I loved my husband deeply).
— I need a new iPad (sad face, wanting permission from me that he can buy one perhaps?)
— I'd like to get an MG sports car
— Me "a marriage is to be worked at'. H: "A MARRIAGE CAN MEAN MANY THINGS!!!!'. I hit a nerve there! Trapped married man-child.


Oh boy - it's all the same.

[KeepItTogether]

These all resonate for sure! And I’ve heard many of these. The one that stung the most May have some truth in them:

“You are not attracted to me.”
“You don’t respect me.”

If I’m honest this did happen. As many of Us do, we take on the majority of the heavy lifting while the “future” mlcer does what they please. It became all about him and yes I grew to resent him for it.  My mirror work there bc I could have communicated.

Now.....could we have worked on this? YES.

Was it easier to start bonking the fat bailiff who worshipped and admired the newly minted judge? Yes. Yes it was.  Until it wasn’t.....lol. Careful what you wish for!

[Wonder]

Hi KeepItTogether - no marriage is perfect, no human is perfect and one should not be expected to be perfect in marriage.

A marriage takes communication. My MLC H chose to not say anything to me other than he basically felt I didn't love him enough.

[xyzcf]

 

My MLC H chose to not say anything to me other than he basically felt I didn't love him enough.

My husband has never told me anything except that I am too intense and I talk too much. That's it.

No words, no reasons, no rationale, no acknowledgment of OW...nothing.

Oh yes, once when I tried reasoning with him of how we had both worked so hard to get to this place in life financially he said "xyzcf, I cannot stay with you for money"...of course since he was the one with a job and making mego bucks, fine for him to say.

32 years, never once did he ever express to me that he wasn't happy in our marriage. Completely opposite, he was thoughtful, romantic, generous and I never felt that he did not love me and our family. 

[Couragedearheart]

I got

You didn’t send the Christmas cards, I assume that’s a woman’s job. (I never forgot Christmas cards)
I haven’t been happy for 14,3,26, my entire life years
You are only with me for my money
You only dated me because I’m safe
If you really loved me you would know what I wanted (without me having to say it)
You deserve better
We both had opportunity to cheat (well certainly, but you are the only one who took it)
I lied about liking Chipolte and you made me eat it
Why can’t we just stay married and I visit once or twice a week...I’ll pay. (Because I’m not a prostitute)
You and s15 are closer than me and s15 (because you have been avoiding us for 2 years)
You don’t meet my needs and I shouldn’t have to tell you what they are.
I don’t know what my needs are
I have been dissociated for 35 years, only been using half my brain, it feels like I just woke up for the first time.
I never got a chance to be young (lived and partied with friends for 4 years)
You don’t pick out clothes for me
Sometimes you won’t do s15’s laundry for 3 days.
Being around you makes me emotional so I need to leave.
I feel guilty for not being the husband or father I wanted to be so I need to move out.
You are too bubbly and happy and it makes me angry.

🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

[MsMedfly]

My absolute favorite..   

“I love you, I care about you, I can’t live with you because you sleep with the tv on”..

Packed his bag and left.. I haven’t seen the person I knew as my now ex husband, in more than 6 years. He became a completely different person.. then left, then bombed me..

The crap they say is absolutely absurd.. I used to have a list of the dumb things puffy would say but I chunked it because it was emotional cutting..

Now, I laugh.. hard!! Because he said this multiple times but said it again while sitting in his attorney’s office.. the look on his lawyers face was priceless... 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[Milly]

Just want to say that I'm reading and nodding my head. Sometimes I think 'wow, that's a new one,' but I'm not in any way surprised. Such a shame.

[Gypzziroze]

This was all in text...BD August 18th, 2020 and havent seen him since.

Me: Do you love me?
H: I hate when people say love conquers all. I heard I love you everyday in a previous relationship that nearly landed me with a domestic violence charge. You tell me you love me everyday, but when you see no evidence of it, they are just words.
(That one stung, because he KNOWS I have loved him since we were together at 15)

H : I have been trying to keep it together for everyone else, now it's time for ME. That may sound selfish, but it's how I feel.

H: I'd hoped you'd change after we got married, but that was evident the night you drove the truck backwards. 🤔🤔 🤷🏻‍♀️

H: Its time to look after ME.

A few others I cant recall right now...but 😳

[Shockandawe]

Ooooo let’s see if I can remember some of the best!!

I don’t hate you I just have very strong feelings of ill will toward you. When asked why he didn’t know.
We really should not have married because I didn’t want to but did it because I thought you would like it! WTF!!
You wouldn’t let me go on my bicycle ride that time. (He bought a wheel to ride his bike indoors when raining and I suggested he would probably be better off riding in house one particular day when it was torrential rain).
You never let me do anything. I always supported him in everything.
You should have married the best man!
I pretended to love you all through our relationship.(16 years).
I have always done everything for everyone now I’m going to do things just for me.
I’m not in another relationship I just live with ow!
When you were fat it made it difficult to love you.
I have always loved you.
It’s because we’re from different countries.
You never listened to me.(He never told me he was unhappy till BD)
She (ow) and I are selfish people and we’re going to live our lives happily and you’re just going to have to accept it.
If you hadn’t had a miscarriage things would have been different.(That one really hurts).
I will probably come back if things don’t work out with ow!

That’s just a small selection of crazy hurtful things he has said.
It’s just words, put no weight to them they’re all crazy.

May God bless you all.

Shock

[Marchingforward]

Many of the same:
ILYBNILWY
We have nothing in common.
We don’t have a future.
You don’t support me.
I can’t risk what might happen with my kids in 5; AP, or 15 years if I stay w you. (Just days after telling me what a great future we have in store for us).
I love you but I’m conflicted.

[megogirl]

“I don’t hate you I just have very strong feelings of ill will towards you.”

That has to be my all-time favorite line from an MLCer.  BRAVO!

[Dismiss3]

A few I’ve heard:
“We grew apart”
“I’m a mess”
“I’m an S.O.B and I know it”
“I’m losing my mind”
“I know you don’t believe me when I say I have no control”
“I’m depressed”
“You don’t want to travel when I retire” (not true)
“I still have love and feelings for you “
“I’m just waiting for a mental breakdown”
And the list can still go on for a bit...My MLC H is a Clinger.

[Shockandawe]

I just hope, when all this is done that the love is still there.
I know I’m going to regret this but it’s something I have to do.
You should date other people but I know you would never cheat on me.
I have always been selfish. (He was the most unselfish person I ever knew).
I have lived a lie throughout our relationship.
ILYBNILWY, then I love you then I don’t love you then I have never loved you.
When I die I want people to remember my name like Cartier (he has cut his hours at work to make and sell jewellery).
I’m going to make jewellery so I can give money to the people I care about, that’s me and you, us.
We never had any good times. Cherish as I do the good times we had.
The ow is going to help me budget (something we did together, so far he’s massively in debt which is something he never was).



Crazy crazy crazy and this is why I absolutely refuse to get back on the crazy bus. I’m standing over here watching it all fall apart around him.

May God bless you all.

[Gypzziroze]

Remembered a few more:

"I" cant have a comfortable life if "I'm " the only one working 🤔🤔🤔
A few days after BD when speaking to one of his best friends..."I dont plan to not talk to her again, I want us to be friends".... seriously??
Heard the the grapevine a few nights ago from another mutual friend that had dinner at H moms, when he asked H how we were doing ..." We are doing good. She is doing good. We just have some things to work out"  wish he would let me know that 🤔

[Philadelphiagirl]

My favourite from the many I remember......

During a telephone conversation about the children -

Me - it sounds like I am talking to a stranger.

Him - I am a stranger to you now - you do not know me. I do not know you.

Me - Sigh.

He had been gone 14 days.

PG x

[Thunder]

Wow...I got something very similar, Philly.

Me: This is just SO not like you.

Him:  Yeah...well.....I don't feel like me anymore.

sigh

[LBS_Les]

My favourite from the many I remember......

During a telephone conversation about the children -

Me - it sounds like I am talking to a stranger.

Him - I am a stranger to you now - you do not know me. I do not know you.

Me - Sigh.

He had been gone 14 days.

PG x

My W had said something similar. For the first few months after BD, she kept saying "I cant believe you dont even know me".  Ya, youre right - the woman I know isn't a cheater and bratty kid LOL

She said she doesn't know me (Um, okay?), and that we are two completely different people because now she eats Free Range eggs LOL

[marvin4242]

My W had said something similar. For the first few months after BD, she kept saying "I cant believe you dont even know me".  Ya, youre right - the woman I know isn't a cheater and bratty kid LOL

She said she doesn't know me (Um, okay?), and that we are two completely different people because now she eats Free Range eggs LOL

Well, sadly these kinds of statements make sense in a way. They are fractured, they are reverting to some subset of themselves, probably from a time when they are kids or teenagers. These are periods of narcissism, self absorption, "brattiness" and the things we observe.

When I thought about it how can my wife, who is like a young teenage, in any way relate to or understand/be understood by a 50 year old man?

[Shockandawe]

A couple more.

Imagine we are in a war where I have to go and you have to stay but there are no phones! WTF!
I have always been a loner ( yeah right, you have never been on your own).
I feel numb, I have no feelings at all. ( I think this is true).
You’re just going to have to ride the wave.
I think I’m having a midlife crisis!!! (he actually said that )
My heart knows I love you but my head doesn’t agree!
I have to do this.
Ow and I are going to have a great life together and you’re just going to have to get used to it.
I felt used.
I have no good memories . A while later, cherish as I do the good times.
My mother doesn’t condemn you completely!

I will try to think of some more. The similarities of what they say is mind blowing, it’s the script alright which is why we as LBSes should pay no mind to the collective bs they churn out. You will know the truth when you hear it.
Stay on your own track and leave your crazy to it.

God bless you all

[Puzzled]

xH (H at the time) was wondering aloud whether our marriage (we were married in the US) would count as marriage in England "because a university degree in one country is not necessarily recognized in another country, either" when I pointed out that him dating women would be cheating.

Before BD1, at age 48, then H told me his life priorities:
1. Play guitar
2. Be a dad
3. F%$k (not a word we used)
Now, at age 55, he is still true to these priorities. #2, however, is a given -- he will always be a dad; whether he will be a role model of a dad is a different queestion.

The first song he recorded and posted on youtube (unbeknownst to me) was of him playing the guitar in our family living room and singing a cover version of "50 ways to leave your lover".

He filed for divorce without telling me although he would have had ample opportunity to do so. When I let him know that the letter from the court had arrived, he seemed astonished that it had arrived already. He asked me to send him a photo of it, which I refused (I am not his secretary). He even tried through D10 (at that time) to get more information. When this was not sucessful, either, he said that if I won't send him a photo, he will need to assume that I was making up the letter. 

"I love my mom. My mom loves me. She is so lovely. She even sends me poems. (...) I do not love you." (his mom left her four children and started living in an "adult only" community; xH finds it challenging to spend more than an afternoon with his mom -- she is very talkative without acknowledging what others say. xH also did not bother visiting her on her 8oth birthday),

I heard "I haven't loved you" a LOT with xH moving the point in time of since when he hadn't loved me earlier and earlier, all the way to "before we got married".

[Marchingforward]

After our first touch n go:
H: "I didn't want to make this about money, but I bought that kayak for you to see if we have a future and we don't."
(I started kayaking after our separation. He saw pics of me on social media, bought himself a kayak, and started kayaking as well. I was searching for a kayak when we started what I found out to be a T & G and he offered to buy me a kayak)

H: "Camping with someone is hard. You have to be on the same page. I'm so glad that we have our camping routine together. I wouldn't want to camp with anyone else. " A few days later "We can't even camp together. You and I want different things when we camp." 

H: "We have nothing at all in common. " (Things we do together: backpack, camp, sing, learn new languages, kayak, canoe, hike, shoot traditional long bows, ride horses, go on motorcycle trips, woodworking, watch the same types of movies and tv shows, read the same types of books, antique, flea market, experiment with new foods, yep,....nothing in common at all).

H: "You don't support me or care about my work." (HAHA.. I traveled with him to trade shows to help, ask him about his day working, Help him with his open houses, etc).

Just thought of these this morning. It's all very crazy and so script.

[Pacman]

ILYBNILWY   (of course)
I don't know who I am.
Kissing him felt normal.
I just want to be happy.
Toughest decision I ever made.
If you take the car away how am I going to get to work?
It's too late.
I can talk to whoever I want.
He is just a friend.   (yeah right)
What if you don't trust me?

[Pacman]

Just remembered another couple.
I still want to be friends.
I'm broken.
I'm lost.
We can live together as friends.

[Dragonfly33]

Mine were:
I don’t love you anymore.
I don’t have butterflies in my stomach anymore.
I feel empty ( this might be true)
I don’t want to be in a relationship with you.
You prohibited me from doing sports ( I was always his cheerer when he joined cross country marathon.  He quit his football club though I encouraged him to do it. )
We have nothing in common.
You walk like an elephant. Mind you I was only 48 kg at that time.
You don’t change my towels when you wash them.
I want to have a private life. I want to talk to women .
You cannot see what we‘re talking about because what if it’s about you.
You manipulated me psychologically.
I want to find happiness ( this is definitely true)
We are like the couple in the movie Hancock. The closeR they are together the weaker they become.
I am meant to be alone. I‘m like a wolf.
We can always be friends.

[MadLuv]

I just need to be by myself ( had OW)
I’m broken and I dont see me getting better
I look in the mirror and I dont know who I am
I’m not going to live much longer
I see a future with you in it, but not with us together
Im just trying to survive
I’ve never been anything. I just hid behind you
I never felt I satisfied you ( sex)
It’s not you, it’s me. You’re perfect
I want you to be happy
I dont want to do this, but if I dont I wont survive

[Dragonfly33]

Tornup i still get the “I want you to be happy” up to this day.

[Pacman]

Tornup i still get the “I want you to be happy” up to this day.

Massive deflection IMO.

[MadLuv]

Dragonfly/Pacman- Right? I told him that I can say I want you to be happy, because your the one leaving becauae your unhappy, but do not ever tell me you want me to be happy, because you are are the one doing everything to make it impossible . SNAP moment 😂

Remember some more

When I look at you all I see are my failures
I’m the worst person I know

[Thunder]

Torn now THAT is the proper way to deliver a "truth dart!"   

[MadLuv]

It was a good moment and he never says that anymore to me!! 😂😂

[Nas]

I don't want to be a killjoy, but doesn't telling an MLCer "you're making my happiness impossible" not only sound guilt-inducing (giving credence to their "My spouse will never forgive/get over this") and give them power over you/your happiness, but also infer that other people can affect your happiness, which reinforces their extremely misguided belief that the spouse makes them "unhappy" and the AP makes them "happy"?

When they say "I want you to be happy" it's as empty a phrase as saying "pardon me" to a complete stranger you accidentally ever so slightly bump against on the subway - actually, even emptier. It's a statement void of anything genuine whatsoever. I wouldn't even acknowledge it in any way. When the LBS gets to a point where they exude genuine contentment with life regardless of where the MLCer is, that's to me the real dart.

[Dragonfly33]

Good point NAS. I think what Tornup is trying to say is that her husband actions have made her unhappy because it hurts her. Of course, we are responsible for our own happiness. But it is also true for me personally, that my H‘s behavior have contributed to my unhappiness. Do I even make sense ? Lol

[Nas]

Do I even make sense ? Lol

Yes, makes total sense. "Unhappy" doesn't even begin to describe how we all feel after BD.

I guess I'm making a few points. 1) Not all statements from the MLCer require a response/retort. In fact, most don't. Often not responding at all conveys much more, and leaves much less room for confusion. The MLCer can't twist words that are not spoken (though even then, some do sometimes try  .)

But I'm also saying 2) we are unhappy with their actions (and hurt, devastated, frightened, anxious, confused, the list goes on) but they're our feelings. That's the part where removing codependent beliefs comes in for us. We own our feelings: we own responsibility for identifying what we're feeling and why, and then we consequently get to own the pride of sorting through them and continuing to live and going on to experience good things in life.

Everything we say about the MLCer, the inverse is true for us. The MLCer blames the spouse for their unhappiness and leaves, and we know their unhappiness was not our fault. So we have to also flip that around and say the MLCer causes us pain that we have to work through, but whether we feel happy or unhappy throughout the remainder of our lives is not on the MLCer, it's on us. After the initial "event" that is BD, we, being individual people with agency and free will, get to choose how to proceed, hopefully by taking our eyes off the MLCer, working through the pain and then deciding on a path forward, whether that includes (includes, as part of a full life) standing for a while, standing forever, or moving on. Deciding to carry the pain around with us for years/decades would be our choice, not the person who hurt us.

I'm not trying to diminish the pain that this causes at all. I never imagined in a million years that my former H could do the things he's done, and I'll never "forget" it - my particularly "special" brand of ex-spouse made choices and took actions that infected every part of my life, some of it virtually insurmountable. No matter what happens next, a part of me will always be affected by what he did, but not in an active way where I'm present-tense "in pain." And I recognize that I'm past the 5 year mark so this may not ring true right now for some, but eventually, it will. It takes a while to get to where you're not hurting in the present tense, but it does come. (And admittedly, I do still actively hurt to varying degrees and it's my own pain - not something being applied to me but something I'm feeling - that I have to confront and work through, which can be hard still sometimes.)

Anyway, apologies for the total sidebar - back to the actual purpose of this thread, which is to share (often common/scarily similar) script statements/WTF moments.

[MadLuv]

It was early on. Right st BD actually. Very beginning when he said he was leaving.  It was a massive trigger. I felt by setting that right at the beginning it let him know What would cause me an issue and him. IMHO. He remembered and never said it again. I didn’t feel he frankly had a right to wish me happiness. Like he was making that happen. By my statement I was saying you are not creating my happiness. Dont wish me it. From here out if I am happy it wont be due to your actions, but my own!!

[OffRoad]

We don't live in bubbles where nothing around us affects us. Do we own our own feelings? Sure. But when someone beats me with a baseball bat, I also own those bruises. I cannot will them away, they have to heal over time, just like emotional bruises do. So taking someone to task with words for verbal abuse is perfectly valid. Letting them slide by allowing them to say stupid things (like "I want you to be happy" when they are cheating and how on Earth could that make any spouse "happy"?) does no one any favors, IMO.  Unless they mean "I want you to be happy and I am being a total jackhole to you so I'm going to leave.", then they are not being honest with themselves. If they cared about your (the generic "your") happiness, they would not cheat, lie to you, lie about you, steal, and abandon. JMO. Stuffing your feelings and your opinion is not necessarily a good thing. Also JMO.

[MadLuv]

Agreed! It was a statement to relieve his guilt while walking out the door. No, you want to leave to be happy. Fine. Don’t tell me while your taking my options away on working on the marriage that you want me to be happy. If that was the case dont cheat, tell me whats wrong. Start communication, because when you leave with never telling your spouse there was a problem and not be willing to work on it after 30 years then there is nothing in that screaming I want you to be happy ! That my H is just another gut punch.

[Thunder]

This makes a case for sites like HS.  Support groups that can help people who are grieving the loss of a loved one.  Not people who are trying to cheer the griever up, but people who are understanding what these people are going through and just being there for them.  Let them grieve.  Grieving can take a very long time, so to tell them to just get on with their life is not helpful.  They are not capable yet.

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm

[Pacman]

Just remembered another couple.
I still want to be friends.
I'm broken.
I'm lost.
We can live together as friends.

And of course "I didn't ask for this to happen, it just did."
"and why aren't people talking to me"

[KellBell]

I'm lost
It's time I focused on me
I want a fresh start/clean slate
We've grown apart
ILBINILWY and I'm not even sure what love is
I'm exhausted
You never loved me
you were so unhappy with our life together


ughhh...blah blah blah. so many things. The one that has me scratching my head the most right now is that the most recent reason for him leaving is that I pushed him away and didn't let him parent. He said "You didn't let me parent my way or show tough love. You took over and did it all yourself." and in the same breath say "Our kids are amazing and wonderful and talented and such great people- you are a stellar mom." smh. ok.

[Songanddance]

Bumped up!

Lots of newbies on the forum and here's a reminder of the current thread on the script that MLCers say.  You will see how much the MLCers sound the same and also how bonkers their reasons are.........

Here's the first thread with this title.
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10840.0;all

[Dragonfly33]

Funny that they want to stay friends after the disaster they just created. I remember my H told me, whatever happens to us, meaning if we divorce, he wants us to stay friends. I told him, I will not be friends with him and I will erase him from my life as if he never existed. He said, he's sad that felt that way. Really WTF.

[Biscuit]

Friends do not kick each other in the nuts and then tell them it's their fault that they got kicked.

[MomOfSteel]

You will always be a good part of my life
I felt like I had to marry you
Kids are resilient
I know I might regret it
I want the chance at something better
I know the affair is unlikely to last
I don’t even know what I want
I’m so confused
She and I have so much more in common
I didn’t abandon the kids

[Curiosity]

Yes, this was something I experienced too… my W saw me as her best friend even when she was seeking to date and pursue the emotional affair. She seemed stunned that I wasn’t sure whether I could be a friend to her - she seemed completely unaware of how deeply she had betrayed my trust. She has since apologized and is not repeating those harmful patterns - but even so, I’m not sure she really knows the depth of pain and betrayal I felt. And W has come a long way since the worst of her crisis (which was less severe than many, I think).

All that is to say… it is truly stunning how they cling to us like a lifeline sometimes - even when they’re running away, they are claiming us as friends. Just keep being true to yourself and your boundaries.

[titleholder]

I don't know who I am, why I'm here and why do I have a child?!
I don't even know who I am in house; do I put on the washingmachine for me or do I do this for you?
Why isn't anybody proud of me and the fact that I'm walking my own path?
Now that I have my own appartment it feels scary and real.
Having my own appartment feels defenite but it doesn't have to feel definite.
I can cancel the lease on my appartement in a couple of months (he isn't even starting to live there)

[Dragonfly33]

Yes, this was something I experienced too… my W saw me as her best friend even when she was seeking to date and pursue the emotional affair. She seemed stunned that I wasn’t sure whether I could be a friend to her - she seemed completely unaware of how deeply she had betrayed my trust. She has since apologized and is not repeating those harmful patterns - but even so, I’m not sure she really knows the depth of pain and betrayal I felt. And W has come a long way since the worst of her crisis (which was less severe than many, I think).

All that is to say… it is truly stunning how they cling to us like a lifeline sometimes - even when they’re running away, they are claiming us as friends. Just keep being true to yourself and your boundaries.

This is called the greatest manipulation I guess. The will always try to manipulate your emotions to keep you in a confused state while they do what they do. When I found out about my H’s 3 night escapade he even had the balls to accuse me that I was the one betraying him because I had to lie that I spoke to his OW to catch him cheating. That’s why the vets always said here not to take them personally. This is really true. If we take them personally, although it’s hard not to, we will just go nuts and have self pity, start blaming ourselves. I know how it is because I took every accusation of my h personally and I thought I must have been really a bad wife. I didn’t do enough to make me happy. After three years, I realize WTF, that’s when you’re out of the h-man made fog that was always above your head. Now, there are still days where I go back to the questioning myself what I have done wrong  state but I don’t stay long anymore. I am willing to let him go now. I hope the newbies will realize this sooner than later. It saves us from mental firetruckery.

[Biscuit]

I haven't loved you for last few months / 1 year / 5 years / 10 years
I didn't want to go out with you 17 years ago and I don't want to now
The kids are resilient - they'll be fine
You control everything I and the children do
You try and control my mind
You're gaslighting me about our relationship - it was bloody awful
We never had fun
I don't fancy you
You don't work out enough

[Songanddance]

"You're too controlling" so I stopped and it  became "I wish you'd take control"

I could force you to sell the house even though I don't want to sell up; I like it here

I don't want a divorce but I don't want to be married......

[Dragonfly33]

I don't want a divorce but I don't want to be married......

This is really firetrucked up! Mine said he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore because we were not compatible. We have different cultures. As if it came as a surprise. He also said I could sleep with other men and he was so sure that there so many men on street waiting to sleep with me. He denied saying this and accused me of making it up. That’s classic gaslighting.

[Ready2Transform]

"You promised to (financially) support me!" that turned to "You emasculated me by making money!". @BD I could do nothing right, apparently.
"(OW) and I were discussing it, and we think you should be making more money." pre-BD His "friend" wasn't my financial advisor, thank God.
"I know I'm going to have to pay my own bills now, and believe me, it's a bitter pill to swallow." after he moved to his mother's, where he paid no bills.  He stopped contributing to our household long before he moved out.
"This is how I eat now." while gesturing like a Price is Right model at his plate of IHOP chicken and waffles. I replied, "Only in America is honey mustard a breakfast dish." He got angry and said, "WELL I'M NOT GOING TO EAT IT!" to which I replied, "Only in America is honey mustard a garnish."  This was a year after he'd moved out and thankfully I was in a more detached place.

These are just a tiny few that are coming to mind right now. I'm sure I could sit here and do this all day, if I dig into the memory bank and my journals. "Believe nothing they say and half of what they do" is the best advice you'll get when you first start posting here. It could not be more true.

I will always adore this one though:

When we had our major blow-up on the phone when he finally admitted to the affair, it was about 3 months after he'd moved out but of course the affair had gone on far longer. A lot was said during this, including some primal screams from me, lol. The neighbors probably thought I was birthing something. But during this one of the things I yelled at him was, "What about her kids? What about her HUSBAND? Didn't you think of any of them?" or something very similar. Something a normal person would say in regards to two married people blowing up two marriages while dressed in Little House on the Prairie clothes (they were fellow historical reenactors, for newbies. LOL Sit with that visual as long as you need). Fight went on, time passed, blah blah. MONTHS later, probably about three if memory serves, he's at the house one day (as he was frequently - total clinging boomerang at that time) and says all happy-like, "Oh hey, I meant to tell you! (OW's husband) has a girlfriend!". And he is standing there all smiley like he's waiting for me to hug him or something. I was understandably miffed and a little pissed off honestly, and said, "Why the F would I care if he has a girlfriend?!". And he got mad and yelled, "Well I knew you were worried about him!! So I wanted to let you know it all worked out and everyone had somebody!". I said, "You mean...except me? Right?!" and he got a confused look on his face (he had told me prior that I wasn't a person, I was a limb that needed to be cut off to "save the rest of himself" so any reminder that I had agency was usually met with something like that).

So I guess what we say does take root somewhere, but in their broken brains, it certainly doesn't MEAN anything. At least not for mine. The fact that he didn't take it as a moral evaluation of his actions, but instead that I was doing social work and trying to follow up about OW's family is still amusing to me, but that day as a stander it really, really sucked. I remember crying for a really long time because I knew his brain was fried. It was scary. But now I can laugh again. We have to find ways to find absurdity in all of this and regain our own sanity from being gaslighted and manipulated. Don't let this break you down. Do whatever you can to save yourself and put that oxygen mask on.


 

[xyzcf]

Oh hey, I meant to tell you! (OW's husband) has a girlfriend!". And he is standing there all smiley like he's waiting for me to hug him or something. I was understandably miffed and a little pissed off honestly, and said, "Why the F would I care if he has a girlfriend?!". And he got mad and yelled, "Well I knew you were worried about him!! So I wanted to let you know it all worked out and everyone had somebody!"

You just CANNOT make these up!

[Ready2Transform]

You just CANNOT make these up!

It's a testament to the fact that we try to tell people to "be prepared for anything". But the truth is, you won't know what "anything" is until it happens because there is nothing rational about what they say and do. You just can't be totally prepared for the bizarre things you'll experience from someone you knew like the back of your hand! Don't waste time trying to get in their minds because you really don't want to be in there.

And I remembered the time I asked him if he'd like a bottle of water and yelled, "NO!!!!", ran out of my house, jumped into his car, and drove away. 

[MadLuv]

I think also as you learn more and look back in hindsight it is even more baffling!!
My XH telling me he didn’t want to get his OW a bday gift because he didnt want to give her the wrong idea . On a phone call with me on the way to pick her up to go on a vacation to get married. That then a week later he said he cried every night after she went to sleep because he missed his family.

10 months later he tells our daughter he got married. She is the only one still he has told. Their 1 year anniversary is next week.  Crazy!!

[Ready2Transform]

I think also as you learn more and look back in hindsight it is even more baffling!!
My XH telling me he didn’t want to get his OW a bday gift because he didnt want to give her the wrong idea . On a phone call with me on the way to pick her up to go on a vacation to get married. That then a week later he said he cried every night after she went to sleep because he missed his family.

10 months later he tells our daughter he got married. She is the only one still he has told. Their 1 year anniversary is next week.  Crazy!!

The remarriage lie is a whole other layer. Know that it's script though to keep it a secret (compartmentalizing at its finest? Or worst. ). Mine married OW years ago but had already told people she was his wife (moved to a new town, whole new circle of friends). I learned from FB, but I'm sure I'm not the only one! When they signed my quit claim deed, she signed with two different names - first names.  The county sent it back to them to correct. Neither one of them is cooking with grease. But I'm sure that's when they think I learned they were married. It was a long time before that.

Then of course a few years later he filed for Catholic annulment from me...and he's not Catholic (or at least, never was). OW isn't either. So he REALLY wanted to be even more divorced.  The plot thickens! lol

[Tsun]

Wow, wow, wow 

I'm still in the early stages, but I got:

"It's not you, it's me," 5 minutes later "You never did this, you never did that, you, you, you.."
"Our s will be happy when I'm happy."
"I just want to be free to do what I want."
"I'm scared of you."
"I'm not happy."
"You don't like deployments."
"You know I'm not a deceitful person."
"I'm a good father and you can never tell me otherwise."
"I really wish we could have resolved this without lawyers, we'd both be better off" (after I too hire a lawyer)

[Songanddance]

I don't want a divorce but I don't want to be married......

This is really firetrucked up! Mine said he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore because we were not compatible. We have different cultures. As if it came as a surprise. He also said I could sleep with other men and he was so sure that there so many men on street waiting to sleep with me. He denied saying this and accused me of making it up. That’s classic gaslighting.

Oh I had the sleeping with other men too. In his BD letter (that's how he told me) he suggested that we could have an open marriage in which I could sleep with my male colleagues (as I got on so well with them) and he could carry on with OW!!

My H was really fire-trucked up. The early months of his R with OW included spending family time with her H and her children.  Her H apparently said to my H - " You're welcome to her - I can't make her happy." and they would sit and watch films together or go for meals together........   H would then come home and tell me about how dysfunctional the whole situation was and her children were nutters!    It beggars belief! 

[Dragonfly33]

Songdance, it never ceases to surprise me how firetrucked up their brain is. If one hasn't experienced this personally, one would not believe it.

[Nas]

There’s no rhyme or reason. I got the opposite, like I was a piece of property. 
Almost a year after he left:
“The thought of you with another man makes me feel sick to my stomach.”
“If I walked into a restaurant and saw you with someone else, I’d be sick.”
“I feel sick at the thought of you sharing another man’s bed.”
That’s a lot of sick. 🙄 🙄🙄 Funny I’m the one who ended up with the serious illness.

[Biscuit]

Every time you touched me I felt violated …. That was a good one!
It will be easier for me when you leave because you don’t eat meat

[Biscuit]

I just had a thought, my w says she doesn't want to be with me but wants to continue to be best friends.

Why the £%$@ would you want to be best friends with someone you think is:
controlling
a sexual predator
a misogynist
violating you
untrustworthy
unattractive - in any way
objectifying women
creepy
no fun
lying to you

In short, I'm not sure about any of you but my friends don't have any of these traits and I'd be very concerned if they exhibited any of them and would probably choose not to be their friend if they did. So why, if I'm such a s*&tbag and I do all of these things, does my W want to be best friends with me....I'd run a bloody mile if my partner or friend did all these things, wouldn't you?

[Dragonfly33]

Biscuits, they all want to be friends with their spouses they despise. I got the same line from my H. Crisis or not I told him, we will never be friends and I would erase him from my memory if I could. LOL