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Author Topic: My Story Rebuilding Rebuilding after Hurricane MLC

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My Story Rebuilding Rebuilding after Hurricane MLC
OP: October 04, 2020, 08:00:04 AM
My last thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11368.150

.............

Rose, Milly, KIT, Roo, Treasur and LL, thank you very much for your thoughtful posts in my last thread!

We had been sharing our thoughts that MLC is not a phenomenon that happens in a sterile test tube but in addition to whatever is going on in life. 

I think we can all agree that LBS or marriage is not the root cause(issues) of MLC.  It is my view that MLCers are not to be blamed for the presence of issues, either. I don’t know anyone who ordered ‘issues’ as a side dish to life and chose to have MLC.   

(Of course, the way MLCer chooses to deal/not deal with his crisis is all on him, just as LBS is entirely responsible for the way she handled the situation.  As everyone knows, each choice begets its unique consequences; some are minor and forgettable, and some can be life-altering, either positively or negatively.)

Having clearly stated that the issues of MLC has nothing to do with LBS or M, that in no way invites LBS to give herself permission to blame MLC for most everything that didn’t work out as she wished.  There are more explanations to life’s happenings than ‘it’s MLC!’ aren’t there? 

So, I believe *a reality check is quite helpful to LBS for her own growth and moving forward in a healthy manner.

(*reality check: an occasion that causes you to consider the facts about a situation and not your opinions, ideas, or beliefs . - Cambridge  English Dictionary)

I am all for seeing the facts in the eye and avoid living in denial or fiction. I would be the first person to say that is difficult to do until some measure of detachment from the situation has been gained.  However, I believe it is necessary in order to accept what is, to heal, and to move forward. 

Surely, one of the top items on the reality check list is the state of the marriage before the advent of MLC.  After all, ‘marriage’ is a hot topic around here! 

A calm and objective look at one’s marital history may show that it had been mostly a loving and happy relationship. Some minor ups and downs but the couple stayed emotionally connected, communicated well, lovingly considerate, respectful, and had each other’s back.  Alas, MLC came along and put an end to it, and that’s the reality for some.

In some situations, a careful examination of the past may reveal to LBS that their marriage had been deteriorating over many years and there were some seriously deep cracks.  It is possible that MLC compounded the situation and was the straw that finally broke the camel’s back of a crumbling marriage.  (Who knows, some may even come to the conclusion that what they are witnessing is not really MLC.)

The above are just two possible scenarios.  The spectrum is wide and variations are endless, obviously.

We advise each other not to get sucked into MLCer’s history-rewriting of a good marriage which is important.  However, that goes both ways. It would not serve LBS well to ignore or minimize what had clearly been a marriage in serious decline for a considerable period of time before MLC.  A clear eyed introspection has nothing to do with fixing MLCer or the marriage, but it gives LBS an opportunity to learn from it to further self awareness and development.

Even if an objective and honest examination reveals to LBS that it had been a good marriage overall before MLC, it doesn’t hurt to address any unhealthy aspects of relationship that might have been present.  Often mentioned on HS are: a high degree of codependence, fixing tendencies, habitual conflict avoidance behaviour, parenting the spouse, etc.

As James Baldwin said, “Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it’s faced.”

Just my view.  :)

Wishing you a great weekend! 

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« Last Edit: October 04, 2020, 08:50:34 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD. 
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

H never left home.

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Rebuilding after Hurricane MLC
#1: October 04, 2020, 10:24:16 AM
Attaching! 

All of the above is what I needed to hear this morning!
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Husband 55
Me 55
Kids 3 sons 29, 27, 25 1 daughter 20
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 33 years.  Together 35
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.

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Rebuilding after Hurricane MLC
#2: October 04, 2020, 11:08:33 AM
Attaching as well, excellent messages. The truth many times is somewhere in the middle, but even the best marriage is between two humans and therefore imperfect. There is always work that can be done, as long as there is love present and as long as the relationship can be a safe place for those involved.

The hardest thing for me in detachment is really understanding that the pre-BD relationship is gone. I can recognize easily that my W is changing/changed. Whether the post-MLC version resembles the version I married, I won’t know until she’s through the tunnel. But any relationship will be new - whether we are friends and nothing more, or whether reconnecting leads to a reconciled/new M. And there is the possibility that we will have changed enough through this process that one or both of us won’t have enough in common to sustain any close relationship at all. I don’t think that will be the case, and yet I admit I fear it on some level. But whatever the outcome, I am finally accepting that whatever was here was gone, I am not seeking to rebuild on the flawed foundation.

There is always much to be learned from your journey and your words, Acorn, as well as all of the contributions on your threads.
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Rebuilding after Hurricane MLC
#3: October 04, 2020, 12:46:11 PM
Following along!
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27. Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA  |  BD #2: 2018 - FA

W moved out - June 2019 | OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019 | Divorce final - September 2019 | Moving on

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

New Here? Read this! http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1149.0

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Rebuilding after Hurricane MLC
#4: October 04, 2020, 01:08:23 PM
Welcome to your new thread Acorn!

It is lovely hearing the snippets from your H about how his mind was working during his MLC years, what made him decide what he did and how he moved forward.

Others (like ‘Shocks Sis’) have said they felt like they were on a movie set where they were the main character. Has your H said anything like that? Or talked about his awakening?

Thanks as ever
Rose 🌹
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Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

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Rebuilding after Hurricane MLC
#5: October 04, 2020, 06:01:30 PM
Attaching
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"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

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Rebuilding after Hurricane MLC
#6: October 05, 2020, 02:57:53 AM
Others (like ‘Shocks Sis’) have said they felt like they were on a movie set where they were the main character. Has your H said anything like that?

I'm also interested in this question since my MLCer has said this repeatedly. 

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January 2018 - 1st BD - "I'm not happy"
June 2019 - I discover existence of OW since November  2017. Lives on another continent
July 2019 - OW moves to live in my city.
August 2019 - H on holiday with OW, despite ultimatum
September 2019 - H commits to leaving OW
November 2019 - OW moves back to her country (temporarily). Reconnection with me begins but contact with OW continues.
January 2020 - H informs me he has broken up with OW. Continues seeing her anyway.
April-June 2020 - H moves home. While "rebuilding", H continues contact and some PA with OW (BD2).
July 2020 - H leaves home, fence-sits.
Aug 2020 - H plays heavy pingpong, then announces he will rent a place with OW "at least temporarily"
Aug 2020 - I decided enough is enough. Filing for D.

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Rebuilding after Hurricane MLC
#7: October 06, 2020, 11:10:18 AM
Attaching...
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Rebuilding after Hurricane MLC
#8: October 07, 2020, 08:52:46 AM
Well, gosh darn it Acorn between your post and Barbie's I have been spending a lot of time digesting what you both as well as others have written in your threads.  I have reread your post often the last couple of days and see that it is actually brilliant and so very relevant to me right now. 

With my new level of detachment I have really had to focus on myself and start to dive into marital issues that have been present before MLC.  Not an easy thing to do.  I have started a few small talks with my H (Very calm and not reactive, which I have been working on) and he even said the other day "Roo, some of the things you mention are things that have always been in our marriage"  and it's true.  My response was "just because they were there does not make them right" We have a long way to go on healing and working towards a new marriage. 

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So, I believe *a reality check is quite helpful to LBS for her own growth and moving forward in a healthy manner.

(*reality check: an occasion that causes you to consider the facts about a situation and not your opinions, ideas, or beliefs . - Cambridge  English Dictionary)

I am all for seeing the facts in the eye and avoid living in denial or fiction. I would be the first person to say that is difficult to do until some measure of detachment from the situation has been gained.  However, I believe it is necessary in order to accept what is, to heal, and to move forward.
 

This right here is golden.  This is right where I am.  This is also very difficult.  Sometimes I think I wanted things to be the way they were so much I didn't see that they actually weren't.  I was very caught up in kids and my H and making sure all parts flowed together with no bumps.  I was quiet when I should not have been and I am at a point now where that no longer works.  My H is having a hard time understanding this. 

I am learning detachment is a gift.  Your post brings this to light Acorn, you are so wise :)

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Often mentioned on HS are: a high degree of codependence, fixing tendencies, habitual conflict avoidance behaviour, parenting the spouse, etc.

Yep, guilty of all of the above.....

Quote
As James Baldwin said, “Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it’s faced.”

The best and most relevant quote I've read in a long time. 

Thanks again for continuing to post Acorn.  It is truly appreciated. 

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Husband 55
Me 55
Kids 3 sons 29, 27, 25 1 daughter 20
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 33 years.  Together 35
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.

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Rebuilding after Hurricane MLC
#9: October 07, 2020, 09:18:27 AM
Roo, despite the fact that my W is no longer at home as of this week, I feel like the lessons you are learning along the way always seem so timely and relevant for me, so I appreciate your insight. And Acorn as well...though our stories are different, the insight around “we didn’t cause their MLC, but that doesn’t always mean the marriage was perfect before MLC” is so timely. I know that our M was flawed, and I also know that I probably minimized the flaws in my mind. However, even looking back on our M through the harshest lens, clearly W is exaggerating the flaws and minimizing the good. But clearly, even in the best reconciliation scenario, it is impossible to go back to the old M - and it’s not something I would want even if we could. Even going back to the old M as a starting point for therapy probably isn’t healthy because it means rebuilding on the old, possibly flawed foundation. To me, it is better to tear it all down - the relationship as well as the people involved - and rebuild from scratch, incorporating all the lessons we learn along the way. We start be rebuilding ourselves as individuals, and that will be a lifelong process. Somewhere in that individual process it will become clear whether the relationship can or should be rebuilt, and what form it will take...but you can’t even consider relationship rebuilding until the individual work is underway. Just my thoughts as a relative newbie who is still very much finding my way...
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