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Author Topic: My Story My husband wants to work things out....

F
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My Story My husband wants to work things out....
OP: October 30, 2020, 07:15:54 AM
To catch you up, basically my h wants to get back together.  I talk about my feelings in the last thread in the last few pages.  This happened last night over dinner.  I’m unsure what I want or what I feel.

He says he wants me to accept him as he is, he wants me to work.  He mentioned he had not known who he was and had low self worth.  He says now he knows more what he wants and who he is.  He was humble, he did ask what I wanted from him.  We did joke around and hang out.

There was no touching, not even a goodbye hug.  No talk of feelings. No apology.  Though he spoke of how he never knew what he wanted before so that’s why he never gave an opinion.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11460.0
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« Last Edit: October 30, 2020, 08:28:38 AM by Mitzpah »
Married 21 years
Husband is 44
Me-40
4 kids 7-16 years old
BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but superficial.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.
Oct 30 2020-He wants to get back together.  I am unsure.
August 2021-He has shown very gradual progress over the last 1 1/2 years.  I did allow him home on a trial bases and in another room.  We go to counseling, I do not currently allow touch.  So far so good.

9
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My husband wants to work things out....
#1: October 30, 2020, 07:40:40 AM
Quote
It’s hard to chose someone that didn’t chose you and put you through so much heartache.  I think it would help if he came back talking love and how he can’t stop thinking of me.  But instead it’s, conditions of a return.  Much more business.  Which does make sense because I know they cannot deal with feelings as well.

This right here in a nutshell is what I have experienced.  The business attitude of “I want my marriage but I’m not going to feel anything because feelings are messy”.   Be prepared for him not to be able to talk about his feelings until he is ready.   This has been very hard for me.  I’ve told him sometimes he acts like a robot.  He used to be very emotional and very loving, it’s not there anymore.  I do see glimpses of it but it goes away.

The only way I know how to keep going is to have a plan B ready to go.  No expectations of a full return, no expectations of a complete marriage.  You have a difficult situation because you have 4 kids at home.  My 4 are grown so it’s just about me now. 

Figure out what your boundaries are for him to return.  Make them clear and stick to them.  What do you want from a new marriage?  What do you need from him?  I’m slowly letting my H know what will and will not fly with me anymore.  He’s slowly coming around.  We both are making some compromises.  Every once in awhile I see flashes of the old him.  I know he’s there, he can’t be a robot forever! 
Take care of yourself, take care of your kids.  Two of the most important things in your life right now.  He has work to do and he will only do it at his own pace not yours (big lesson I had to learn)

Hugs.....Roo
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Husband 55
Me 55
Kids 3 sons 29, 27, 25 1 daughter 20
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 33 years.  Together 35
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.

F
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My husband wants to work things out....
#2: October 30, 2020, 07:53:01 AM
Roo,

Thank you for letting me know!
How long have you been reconnecting?  Does he ever say I love you? 
My fear is what if I chose him and we have a loveless marriage.  I wouldn’t want to hurt my kids by me leaving later.  It’s sort of now or never.  So he still keeps things very business even now?  Do you feel loved at times?  This is the gift that keeps on giving.
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Married 21 years
Husband is 44
Me-40
4 kids 7-16 years old
BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but superficial.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.
Oct 30 2020-He wants to get back together.  I am unsure.
August 2021-He has shown very gradual progress over the last 1 1/2 years.  I did allow him home on a trial bases and in another room.  We go to counseling, I do not currently allow touch.  So far so good.

b
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My husband wants to work things out....
#3: October 30, 2020, 07:57:38 AM
Thanks for sharing Finding Joy ....following along.
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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My husband wants to work things out....
#4: October 30, 2020, 08:06:54 AM
In hindsight I think I have been in and out of connection for 2 years BD was 4 years ago.  My H is a clinger and at times professes his love for me and then goes and does something stupid.  It’s odd because 8 months ago he went back into the tunnel and stopped professing his love.  It was very difficult for me.  But in hindsight I realize that he had/has work to do in himself and by him not being so clingy I have been able to move forward with myself.  I don’t think I would have been able to make all of my changes with him here clinging to me. 

He comes and goes with affection, I guess so do I.  Sometimes he will go a week with out talking and sometimes he won’t stop.  I’ve been learning to detach and reattach often.  I’ve worked in having no expectations and kept on living my life with the attitude that I would be fine with or without him. 

None of this MLC is linear, it varies from person to person.  I know my H wants our marriage, I hope that he can do the work he needs to do to be an equal partner.  Standing back and letting him show this the way he knows how is my only option now. 

No expectations is the big key.  Letting him know how far he can come towards you and what boundaries you have.  That’s great that he has told you what he wants, now he needs to listen to what you want. Maybe a compromise can be found?  It does seem to be all about him still.  Know that he is far from cooked but he seems to be trying to keep you in place.  It’s hard.
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Husband 55
Me 55
Kids 3 sons 29, 27, 25 1 daughter 20
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 33 years.  Together 35
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.

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My husband wants to work things out....
#5: October 30, 2020, 08:46:18 AM
Hello,

First of all, it was a big step for him to come back and ask for his marriage. A lot of pride was sucked back. Of course, I wasn't there and body language speaks volumes.

Quote
Figure out what your boundaries are for him to return.  Make them clear and stick to them.  What do you want from a new marriage?  What do you need from him?

This is critical. He wants you to work, but that means he needs to step up around the house-especially supporting the kids. Like others have stated, the feelings and emotions can come later, but that doesn't mean he is incapable of visible action that shows commitment to making the marriage work.

I could write more, but go slow to go slower. Your plan was to remain for another year so you really have nothing to lose and a lot more to gain.

Just know that I am praying hard for both of you!

(((((Ready))))

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My husband wants to work things out....
#6: October 30, 2020, 08:54:17 AM
Hi, my husband has been home for 2 years now and I concur with what everyone is saying. They come home broken still and fragile. It’s weird because other people cannot see it at all! I consider us still in reconnection, there have been no floodgates opening. I suppose it depends on the person, but I find it very slow. We have mostly good days, he’s great with the kids, we have fun but there’s still a glass wall there and when I struggle I feel alone with it. I still love him and so stay on this path.
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My husband wants to work things out....
#7: October 30, 2020, 09:55:15 AM
Following along FJ.
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27. Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA  |  BD #2: 2018 - FA

W moved out - June 2019 | OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019 | Divorce final - September 2019 | Moving on

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

New Here? Read this! http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1149.0

C
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My husband wants to work things out....
#8: October 30, 2020, 10:01:49 AM
Attaching. The next stage in this journey...a stage I hope to reach one day. Certainly has its challenges but there are several people here who have already offered their thoughts on what matters. Boundaries, no expectations, the knowledge that he still has work to do, and importantly, just taking this step was huge for your h and that should be acknowledged. Wishing you well on whatever is to come.
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My husband wants to work things out....
#9: October 30, 2020, 10:28:06 AM
Following along
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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