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Author Topic: My Story My husband wants to work things out....

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My Story My husband wants to work things out....
#10: October 30, 2020, 10:49:47 AM
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  We have mostly good days, he’s great with the kids, we have fun but there’s still a glass wall there and when I struggle I feel alone with it. I still love him and so stay on this path.

This is very true for me as well.... 
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Husband 55
Me 55
Kids 3 sons 29, 27, 25 1 daughter 20
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 33 years.  Together 35
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.

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My husband wants to work things out....
#11: October 30, 2020, 12:22:04 PM
Big step FJ....... that's really good.

Tough choices to be made.

I could be wrong, but I think a lot of times when they make movement toward our 1st instinct can be to push away. Just something to examine.

Following along, as always  :)

-SS
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W - 40
M - 44
Together 25 years, M 23
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

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My husband wants to work things out....
#12: October 30, 2020, 03:05:12 PM
Hi Ursa, Barbie and PJ!  Roo, thank you for all of the valuable insight, truly! Standing, my first instinct was to get far far away.  Learning, it was certainly a big step on his part, it’s true that it should be acknowledged.  Sun and shade, I’m glad you have mostly good days!  So two years in and still a wall?  Ready, his body language was humble.  I will try to remember how slow of a process this is.  Thank you!

Journaling-After seeking advice I have a plan.  Basically the plan is to meet with him and give my boundaries as well as let him no I will work part time.  The reason for part time is because he cannot have everything his way.  He chose the military lifestyle and us having to move around, I prefer to be settled.  So we will see how he handles compromise.  I will stay another school year and probably reassess the situation every 60 days.  We can date, talk some on the phone and possibly do counseling, but not in a marriage setting.  It would be like a new relationship.  The kids will not know.  If it is going well in 60 days I may change the boundaries.  I do not want to hurt my children if it does not work out.

If it doesn’t go well he can file.  I will guard my heart and see how it goes.  I may also invite him to church with the family.



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Married 21 years
Husband is 44
Me-40
4 kids 7-16 years old
BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but superficial.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.
Oct 30 2020-He wants to get back together.  I am unsure.
August 2021-He has shown very gradual progress over the last 1 1/2 years.  I did allow him home on a trial bases and in another room.  We go to counseling, I do not currently allow touch.  So far so good.

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My husband wants to work things out....
#13: October 30, 2020, 03:22:25 PM
You sound good FJ!  Your plan sounds solid and well thought out.  Inviting him to church with you is good as well.  I invite my H on many excursions to see our children as well as day trips that I may go on.  Sometimes he comes, sometimes he doesn’t.  I go either way. 

This is truly a very slow process.  Learning to keep going forward no matter what takes some finagling.  It took me awhile to adjust to knowing when to move towards my H and when to back away.  Baby steps all the way. 

Sending you all sorts of good energy in this next phase for you.

Roo
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Husband 55
Me 55
Kids 3 sons 29, 27, 25 1 daughter 20
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 33 years.  Together 35
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.

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My husband wants to work things out....
#14: October 30, 2020, 04:00:03 PM
FJ, you sound like you are thinking about all of this in exactly the right way and like you have a great support system. Your plan also sounds right on target. It’s really tempting to either jump in with both feet at the first real signs of reconnection or to protect yourself so much that you don’t leave room for trust and healthy connection to build. I don’t know from experience, but it sure sounds like you are walking that balanced path between the two extremes. Thank you for updating and just in general for sharing your story.
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Re: My husband wants to work things out....
#15: October 30, 2020, 05:08:06 PM
Finding, I really love your plan. Love your planned response/boundary, as in you will work part time since that is what you would actually like to do anyway. I think it's wise to date and get to know each other and not jump right back into living together. This will be a new relationship. Good to have your boundaries because they are important to you. If he doesn't like them, it's his problem.

I don't have experience of a returning MLCer, but from all the people who have had one, they come back broken and unhealed, so his not apologizing or being able to show affection to you is completely normal. He's not finished his crisis, although he probably will if you let him do so and do not make demands regarding affection, etc. It's up to you whether you want this. In any case, sounds like staying there for another year is the easiest/best option for you and the kids, so you have time. Wishing you lots of good stuff ahead.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D26, D23, S16
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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My husband wants to work things out....
#16: October 30, 2020, 08:31:00 PM
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be discouraging. I guess reconnection is a function of many variables, degree of damage and personality. For me, well maybe it’s me, maybe there’s something wrong with me, it’s been 2 years, and so it is. I suggest really stepping back and watching, you cannot make another person heal any faster than they are able. I hope all is well for you, I wish you peace.
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My husband wants to work things out....
#17: October 31, 2020, 12:03:55 AM
 :-X
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Basically the plan is to meet with him and give my boundaries as well as let him no I will work part time.  The reason for part time is because he cannot have everything his way.  He chose the military lifestyle and us having to move around, I prefer to be settled.  So we will see how he handles compromise.  I will stay another school year and probably reassess the situation every 60 days.  We can date, talk some on the phone and possibly do counseling, but not in a marriage setting.  It would be like a new relationship.  The kids will not know.  If it is going well in 60 days I may change the boundaries.  I do not want to hurt my children if it does not work out.

This sounds tremendously sensible, FJ.
It sounds as if your plan essentially is to give yourself time to take him at his word (that he didn't know who he was and what he wanted) and let him show you who he has become now as a man and father and prospective partner. But without betting anything too big on it either way. And without trying to repair a marriage relationship until you both can see if it makes sense to do that tough emotional work together.

The glitch in your situation has always been - good and bad - that the life of you and your kids has been shaped by being married to a serving military person. And I suspect that built an unconscious pattern in your family where your h's vote was implicitly more than 50% in your married life. For practical reasons. You have not been free to choose where to lay down roots or build a career or life independently of that. But building a new marriage will need something more 50/50....more reciprocal....and that may take some adjusting to by both of you. And a few heated disagreements probably lol.

I have mused before on whether there are factors in individual situations that make Standing - or reconnecting - more or less sustainable to do as an LBS. I susoect it might have something to do with how big the risk is, how much skin in the game you are investing practically as well as emotionally, how possible it is to quarantine some of the basic essentials of life from the uncertainty. And it sounds as if this kind of risk management is exactly where your head is right now.

You are not alone in that situation of course.....families also serve don't they?.....but putting all your eggs in a now weakened basket is a different kind of choice isn't it? If you can continue to do that for, say, a year without making yourself too vulnerable to changes in the wind, while also having a plan B/C etc if it turns out that you need one, then I suspect it will help you feel that you gave it your best shot for your family no matter what happens.
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« Last Edit: October 31, 2020, 12:08:54 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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My husband wants to work things out....
#18: October 31, 2020, 06:14:23 AM
Roo, for now I definitely have being disconnected down.  So going slow is what I need too.  It’s very hard for me to even want to do this.  I just don’t want to get hurt again.

Learning I appreciate your supportive words.  I have a good LBS male friend who came up with the terms and I liked them and am using his wise plan.

Milly, as I thought it through I realized, what am I getting out of the marriage if I work full time.  I may as well be single and get to be settled and have roots.  It felt as if I was getting nothing I wanted and I am not willing to live my life completely at his whim.  In fact, a large part of me doesn’t want to give him a chance at all.  Yes, staying is easier for me and the kids, but only one more school year.  I’m ready to be settled.  Thank you for your wise words Milli!

Sun and shade, there is nothing wrong with you.  This process is just really long.  My husband had two years prior to bd with a large wall up, it makes trust more difficult.  So I’m imagining what that would be like after all of the betrayals.  Yes, he needs space and time.  Thank you Sun!

Treasur, Exactly!  I am not going all in and in fact one foot is on the sprint line ready to hightail it at the slightest sign he is betraying me again.  Thankfully I do have a plan b and currently that plan b is very appealing.  He will have to be a decent guy, husband and father to keep plan b off of my radar.  Yes, he looks at it like the military is his career, however the reality is his career effects every aspect of our life.  I love traveling and hate moving around.  In fact having a career as a military wife is difficult to do.

That is sort of how I feel Treasur.  Let’s see where this goes, but I am guarding my heart.  I fully see another life for me on the lake in TX.  So the idea of following him around the country or waiting here 2 1/2 years on his severance is a bit hard to take. 

Journaling, It has been a little over two years since bd.  I made a commitment to God to wait to move on for three years.  So I guess we have a year to see what happens.  I’m unsure short of that commitment that I would be willing to walk through this.  It wasn’t the cheating for me, though if he did that again it would be a dealbreaker.  That is forgiven, but the lack of trust remains.  The abandonment, and the way he treated me.  He put ow1 above me.  His relationship with her was more valuable.  She was not a side dish, she was his entree.  Granted they lasted months because he could not hold a relationship. 

And so now I see, if you try to reconnect you have to begin to work through these betrayals on a different level, because if you don’t, you won’t be able to chose the MLCer, or I won’t.  If I went on a blind date with my h in his current state, he would not get a 2nd date.

This is the person I am supposed to chose in the name of marriage and family.  It’s tough.  I don’t want to be a martyr.  I won’t chose him if he does not grow a ton in the next year. 
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« Last Edit: October 31, 2020, 07:30:38 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 21 years
Husband is 44
Me-40
4 kids 7-16 years old
BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but superficial.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.
Oct 30 2020-He wants to get back together.  I am unsure.
August 2021-He has shown very gradual progress over the last 1 1/2 years.  I did allow him home on a trial bases and in another room.  We go to counseling, I do not currently allow touch.  So far so good.

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My husband wants to work things out....
#19: October 31, 2020, 07:53:44 AM
I was thinking of my mistakes during this process.  Particularly the first year.  I just couldn’t let go or pretend I had.  I was desperate and clingy.  Of course that made monster huge and ugly.  It didn’t matter what I knew I should do, my instinct took over.  It pushed him away.

Much less so year two.  He became polite and indifferent towards me, but slowly warmed towards the kids.  He was consistent in very slowly healing and very slowly showing more feeling towards the kids, but not towards me.  You could see a slow healing in his demeanor.

Year two, I tried to live my life, let go and move forward.  Occasionally I let him know I still wanted the marriage, that any divorce was his to have.  That I believe in marriage, but at a certain point I could no longer say the fight was for him.  More for my commitment to marriage and family.  That because who he currently was/is, is not worth fighting for.  So I had to fight for the marriage role itself.

The issue is how detached I am.  I can more easily picture myself with someone new that has not betrayed me.  My husbands mom also left and tried to come home after two years, my h’s dad said no....

I do understand completely why he said no, I also see the cycle that was not broken.  There is a healing that my children could have on a deeper level if we work out.  This could possibly break this cycle.  That said, I cannot place that level of burden on my shoulders, they cannot bear the weight.  I have to trust God for their healing.
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« Last Edit: October 31, 2020, 07:55:28 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 21 years
Husband is 44
Me-40
4 kids 7-16 years old
BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but superficial.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.
Oct 30 2020-He wants to get back together.  I am unsure.
August 2021-He has shown very gradual progress over the last 1 1/2 years.  I did allow him home on a trial bases and in another room.  We go to counseling, I do not currently allow touch.  So far so good.

 

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