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Author Topic: My Story My husband wants to work things out....

C
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My Story My husband wants to work things out....
#20: October 31, 2020, 10:26:26 AM
Thank you for this wisdom. I have often wondered how much of the length of their MLC is about how long it takes to really drop the rope, on both sides. To some degree, they detach from the marriage in the lead-up to BD...but they also have lingering assumptions about who their LBS is and how they will respond to BD, and they have some assumptions that LBS will, at least for some time, be available to them if and when they decide to come back. That obviously isn’t true for all, but I think it’s part of the difference between a walk away spouse and MLC. Then, there’s the LBS...we know logically that we need to drop the rope and we do our best, but until we truly take our focus off the MLCer, until we are truly willing to move on, they can still feel the tether. Maybe they have low self-esteem and they feel like they aren’t worth our devotion. So as long as we make it clear that we love them and they feel unworthy of that love, the marriage and the LBS are seen as putting pressure on them. And it’s only when we start to truly feel like they aren’t worth fighting for that they feel that pressure ease. I don’t know, just speculating...

Every journey on this board provides its own lessons and insights. All are a bit different and some share almost no common threads. But the healing, learning to live on your own terms and according to your own values...those are fundamental tenets that I think are essential for us all. So thank you for sharing.
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F
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My husband wants to work things out....
#21: October 31, 2020, 10:34:59 AM
Learning, in a way my situation is different.  He would not be returning now except circumstances.  He is not returning for me, but because of the kids.

Basically he recently found out he is stuck here where we live due to his job.  He found this out two weeks ago.  Well, I told him I was leaving this summer, to move home, which means our divorce would start in January.  I meant it when I said it.  So he has no clue I thought of possibly staying and since I have not yet given him an answer on us trying to work things out, still has no clue.  So really this is circumstances catching up to him.

He cannot leave because he isn’t doing great at work and he was going to live 12 hours from his kids.  That’s why it’s hard to trust him.  This is about him, not him wanting our marriage.

Though I will admit he did not say, I don’t want to lose my kids let’s work things out.  Admittedly he was also about to lose me and that could have woken him up some, but he also did not tell me he cares for me and does not want to lose me...
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« Last Edit: October 31, 2020, 10:51:35 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 21 years
Husband is 44
Me-40
4 kids 7-16 years old
BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but superficial.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.
Oct 30 2020-He wants to get back together.  I am unsure.
August 2021-He has shown very gradual progress over the last 1 1/2 years.  I did allow him home on a trial bases and in another room.  We go to counseling, I do not currently allow touch.  So far so good.

9
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My husband wants to work things out....
#22: October 31, 2020, 11:01:27 AM
FJ,  You are handling your situation the best you know how.  You are the only one that understands your relationship and your H.  You are currently doing what is best for you and your situation.  That's all that you need to know. 

I myself have taken so much advice from many on here, I also have turned away advice that I know would not have worked in my own relationship.  I know what has worked and what hasn't worked in the last 35 years of being with my H.   

Sometimes we need to just turn the situation over to God and sometimes we need to step in and make sure we are protecting ourselves and our children from further damage.  There is no right or wrong, there is no MLC playbook.  Every situation is different.  There is so much in hindsight I wished I would have done differently, but maybe it wouldn't have changed a thing. 

My H has started individual therapy again and we have started marriage counseling.  This was a disaster 1.5 years ago but this time it feels like we are both ready. Maybe it will help, maybe it won't.  The difference is my H found the counselor, made the appointment and is sticking to it when it has gotten hard.  What has driven this I believe was me ready to walk out the door.  We have made an agreement not to have R talks outside of these sessions for now so we can just enjoy each other.  It seems to be working.  My H seems to be processing more every day.  I don't have an expectation of a quick fix.  We both have agreed that we need to start addressing things.  Some might see this as pressure, but I know my H and sometimes he needs a little push.  We are taking baby steps. 

You know what's best for you, You know what is best for your children.  You will know when you are done and ready to move on and you will know if you are ready to make the choice to recommit.  It's a long hard road.  Just wanted to remind you not to second guess yourself.  You are doing the best you can. 

Roo



 
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Husband 55
Me 55
Kids 3 sons 29, 27, 25 1 daughter 20
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 33 years.  Together 35
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.

F
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My husband wants to work things out....
#23: October 31, 2020, 12:02:44 PM
Roo, I feel overwhelmed.  Like I practically have to take him back.  I feel anxious.  I feel like it’s not fair.  My heart feels like an elephant is on it.  My support system is centered around divorce.  Those same people that are themselves walking through divorce cannot be expected to get me through this.  It’s like my family understands, but they want to see reconciliation above all.

So I can vent here, and only here.  I understand that they are for reconciliation, however they have never had their heart ripped out and trampled by the very person who was supposed to protect it.  All this does is bring all of that pain back to the surface and all I can think of is this situation and all of it complexity. 

I want what’s best for my kids and family, but what about me?  What about what’s best for me.  I can forgive, but I’m not quite sure I want him back.  He who was so quick to abandon us.  He moved us here and I had no one.  Not one friend.  Then he left.  It’s like the trauma is here all over again and I can barely breath.

He will be here in 3 hours for Halloween.  We have done most holidays together since he left.
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« Last Edit: October 31, 2020, 12:36:05 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 21 years
Husband is 44
Me-40
4 kids 7-16 years old
BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but superficial.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.
Oct 30 2020-He wants to get back together.  I am unsure.
August 2021-He has shown very gradual progress over the last 1 1/2 years.  I did allow him home on a trial bases and in another room.  We go to counseling, I do not currently allow touch.  So far so good.

9
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My husband wants to work things out....
#24: October 31, 2020, 12:26:35 PM
I completely understand.  When we start to pick away at our marriage  the way it was and the way it is now we start to see things in a very real light.  For me I just wanted my marriage back so badly the first couple of years.  Now I don’t want my old marriage back.  It won’t work.  I too went through a very serious time making preparations for moving on.  I started looking at houses in another town, I started to mentally figure out what I would take.  I didn’t want my H I didn’t want the life he was offering.  I didn’t like him let alone love him.  I then started to step back and our shared history, our children our life. It was hard because I really for the first time since this started felt so very done.  I also started to realize I would be starting from scratch at 55 and I wasn’t quite ready to do that.  For me the turning point has been I know I can do that.  I’m not stuck I have choices.  It sounds like you do as well.  I say to take a step back and do what you said and reevaluate every few months.  How you feel right now may not be how you feel next month. I have cycled often and it’s confusing.

You know you will be there another year.  Let go and see where this year takes you.  Don’t focus on your relationship with your H.  You don’t need to make any decisions today.  Have a good evening with your family.  Try to pull yourself off of your own emotional roller coaster.  I’ve had to do the same thing many times.  We cycle just as much as they do. 

I hope you can take some time to yourself in the next few days.  You sound like a very strong person and a great mom.  Do the things that bring you peace and put your H back on a shelf for now. 

Hugs,  Roo
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Husband 55
Me 55
Kids 3 sons 29, 27, 25 1 daughter 20
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 33 years.  Together 35
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.

F
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My husband wants to work things out....
#25: October 31, 2020, 12:40:39 PM
Thank you Roo!!  Very sound advice.  Just breathing in and out slowly to calm myself...
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Married 21 years
Husband is 44
Me-40
4 kids 7-16 years old
BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but superficial.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.
Oct 30 2020-He wants to get back together.  I am unsure.
August 2021-He has shown very gradual progress over the last 1 1/2 years.  I did allow him home on a trial bases and in another room.  We go to counseling, I do not currently allow touch.  So far so good.

A
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Re: My husband wants to work things out....
#26: October 31, 2020, 12:54:12 PM
You know, it is perfectly ok to tell your H -
“I hear what you want, but I am not sure yet what I want”
You are allowed to make your own mind up, in your own time.
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b
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My husband wants to work things out....
#27: October 31, 2020, 01:12:27 PM
Quote
You know, it is perfectly ok to tell your H -
“I hear what you want, but I am not sure yet what I want”
.

Yes. Just about to respond with this exact comment.  It is absolutely acceptable to say exactly this " I am not sure what I want for myself or my children".
It took me a very very long time to commit, put my rings on and agree to rebuild . He had to accept that , live with it and understand that his action just made him " not all that special anymore".
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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My husband wants to work things out....
#28: October 31, 2020, 01:34:52 PM
And a thumbs up from me.....you absolutely do not have to make any big decision right now. Or bc your h wants you to bc, frankly, he no longer has the right to expect you to feel any obligation toward him as he reneged on his obligations to you. It is absolutely ok to say I don't know, not now, not yet, not today, not like this, this but not that, too much, not enough...or to say nothing at all. Or indeed to change your mind. Or need time to pray or consider or seek guidance.

Breathe. Take your time. Go slow. You are in control of your bit of this, FJ.....don't let your (normal) feeling of anxiety - or your h  ::) - persuade you that you are not.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

F
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My husband wants to work things out....
#29: October 31, 2020, 01:48:34 PM
Thank you guys!  I think it’s just resurfacing all of this pain.  The pressure is not from him.  My parents have been working double time to get us back together and I don’t want to fail anyone.  I don’t want to let them down or my kids(who don’t even know). 

He is not my concern.  I have given him no reply.  We will talk when we talk about it and I already laid out my plan to this forum.  Like Roo, I need to let myself have permission to not chose him.  I can’t explain it, it’s just all too much.  I feel like my support system through divorce care is gone now.  I feel anxious.  I’m sure it will calm down.  I know I need to give it to God.  It may take a few days.

I think it’s fear.  It must be fear.  Letting him near me.  Dating him.  The man who hurt me so badly.  It’s like I’m being given a new lung and my body is rejecting it.  He is the lung and he’s coming over for Halloween.  I don’t want to see him, but I have to be brave.

I know I need time.
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« Last Edit: October 31, 2020, 01:51:33 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 21 years
Husband is 44
Me-40
4 kids 7-16 years old
BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but superficial.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.
Oct 30 2020-He wants to get back together.  I am unsure.
August 2021-He has shown very gradual progress over the last 1 1/2 years.  I did allow him home on a trial bases and in another room.  We go to counseling, I do not currently allow touch.  So far so good.

 

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