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Author Topic: My Story Growing #10

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My Story Growing #10
OP: November 01, 2020, 04:39:09 PM
Link to my old thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11489.0

I waited before starting my new thread - in order to have something profound but it just hasn’t come yet.
I am trying to tease out how to discern true love and trust.
Wondering if we ever really had true love, and believing that yes, we truly did.
I so inherently trusted and loved that man - with my whole heart.  And believing that he loved me and trusted me as well.
But looking back, my trust was maybe naive and pure.  Because I had no reason NOT to trust him.
But when does a dishonesty become damaging - if it was meant to be for our good.
Kind of like telling kids that there’s a Santa Clause...

So, my assignment now is to determine how to trust again; how to trust without controlling.
This is probably the hardest thing for me to understand.
I’ve always trusted, but I was always able to ask anything and see anything — right up until MLC.
Phone was open, computer was open, conversations were open.  There wasn’t anything hidden in our day-to-day world.  There were rare circumstances of things hidden, but easily dismissed at the time.
So, looking forward to potential new relationships (either with H and reconnection, or new dating). 
How does one really trust another person, without being controlling and insisting on complete transparency? 
Is it just a feeling that happens?
Is it a conversation? 
I’m looking forward to trying to dig deeper into this.

Thank you friends for joining along.
Any thoughts are appreciated, as well as any insight.

Sea

My story:
H and I met: 1984 Undergrad
Married 1990
3 kids: 1995, 1998, 2001
H deployed 2005
Things a little different after deployment; relationship strained but doing okay.
We moved to new state Fall 2016-our dream location
H looking for affair Spring 2017 (I found email to co-worker/subordinate)
Marriage counseling; individual counseling
Affair confirmed Fall 2017 - Different co-worker/subordinate
H moved out SPring 2018 after reading my posts on HS - he was deep into affair but denied
Took AP to different country Spring 2018 and she posted on FB so he could no longer deny.
H filed for Divorce Fall 2018
H bought a home to live with AP Winter 2018
Divorce complete Summer 2019
H engaged To AP late SPring 2020 and married Fall 2020.
Now vanished after being horrible monster up until the time he became engaged
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Growing #10
#1: November 01, 2020, 04:52:20 PM
Attaching Sea.

I'm fairly new at this, 9 months out from BD.   But what I have learnt is, this had nothing to do with us.   No matter what we did, or didn't do, had no bearing on this $h!te sandwich that was fed to us

What I have also learned is, we vacillate between wondering what we could have done, could we have avoided, etc. etc. 

So as a gentle reminder from a noob, this had nothing to do with us.   You did what a logical spouse would do, given the circumstances.  You tried to give a safe space, you tried to be an open book, and in a healthy relationship, it would be reciprocated, but as we know, when the crisis hits, there is nothing healthy about it.

I hear you when you ask about trust.  Its one of my biggest fears in moving forward with my life.   How could I trust my W again, if not my W, how can I trust my next partner?   I dont have the answers to that, because what this experience teaches me, nothing is guaranteed, what you feel today may not be what you feel tomorrow.

So rather than focusing on what the future holds, what it means, please remember, the security you feel today may not exist.   The insecurity you feel may not exist.   If it does, as the LBS, you are best suited to find a way to navigate through it.    Because at the end of the day, our MLC'ers have forced us into situations we never imagined existing.   Yet here we are, surviving and thriving

((hugs))
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Me (W) 44 - W 42
BD - Jan 17, 2020

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Growing #10
#2: November 01, 2020, 05:31:37 PM
LBS-Les -
Welcome and thank you for attaching.
I don’t regret anything I did, or who I am.
I did the best that I could or that I thought at the time.
I may do it differently, given what I know now, but that’s hindsight.

I feel secure, I feel happy, I feel proud and I love my kids.
I look forward to Thanksgiving and spending time with them.
The hardest thing will be when 2/3 of them leave to spend dessert with married H and wife/AP.
This is a new page in my life, and I will deal with it appropriately.
I guess I should be happy that I don’t need to worry about serving dessert and coffee, and will be alone with S19 to clean up and perhaps watch a movie...

And I wanted to add one thing.  My S25 recently tagged me on his IG story, and I looked at his friend list and XH is on there as a follower.  Then I looked at S22 and the same (only S22 also followed him back).  So I looked at H’s profile and he has no photo, and 3 posts (one which is from his wedding day 3 weeks ago).  The other two are very old and have been there for over 2 years I believe.  The thing that’s odd about that I once sent H a IG message regarding S17’s concert, and H insisted that he didn’t have an IG account and didn’t get it.  It is a different account and has a profile photo from 2005 and no posts yet several followers.  So strange and I wonder if he even knows that he has that old account.  He obviously isn’t active on his newer one, except to post his wedding photo and follow his son’s accounts.  It isn’t a private account so I can see all 3 photos.  Perhaps this was for my benefit?  IDK, it’s just weird.  My account is private, so he is unable to see what I post.
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« Last Edit: November 01, 2020, 05:40:54 PM by Seahorse »

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Growing #10
#3: November 01, 2020, 05:36:07 PM
Sea, I completely get what you’re saying.  My h was always so transparent until he wasn’t and when he wasn’t it was for a reason.  I believe boundaries in relationships are important.  If it doesn’t just come naturally in your next relationship for transparency, communication of your wants and needs are so important.  Being clear with what you want in a relationship early on pays big dividends later.  At least that’s my perspective.
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Married 21 years
Husband is 44
Me-40
4 kids 7-16 years old
BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but superficial.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.
Oct 30 2020-He wants to get back together.  I am unsure.
August 2021-He has shown very gradual progress over the last 1 1/2 years.  I did allow him home on a trial bases and in another room.  We go to counseling, I do not currently allow touch.  So far so good.

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Growing #10
#4: November 01, 2020, 09:05:37 PM
Sea,

IMO, you don’t learn to trust other people again.....you learn to trust yourself.  You learn to listen to your gut and what your intuition is telling you.
But trusting others....that’s a choice.

The trust that was broken was my trust in myself, being able to trust my choices, understanding the signals that my stbx was telling me.

But biggest obstacle, was a lifetime of gaslighting. Being told it was live when it was abuse I experienced as a child. Being sold a false version of intimacy. Being told someone loved me while they made plans to leave me. I had to spend some time dissecting each of those things love, intimacy, how a person treats you when they want you, to learn what it should have been. And lastly learning words over actions.

What I have to rebuild.....from the ground up....is trusting myself.  I have no idea how much of my marriage was a lie, how much of who I was married too was true, or if he ever even loved me at all or was just using me. I don’t know.....

When I trust myself, other people can still hurt me....but I won’t be destroyed like at BD. And if I listen to my gut....I’ll already know what’s coming.
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Me 37
H 37
S16
Wallower/Chaos kid
EA discovered 3/31/2019
BD March 31 2019
He left 10/6/2020
Status: I’m done. Stbxh remorseful, texts and apologizes a lot, is in therapy and several treatment teams.
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

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Growing #10
#5: November 01, 2020, 09:51:12 PM
Following along Seahorse.

Trust is a tough one for me. "Once bitten, twice shy, right?" "Fool me twice, shame on me?"

I had a situation where the woman I was dating was texting her kids while we were watching tv and I completely tortured myself wondering if she was texting some other guy. It was tough to put those monkey thoughts in their cages.

Ultimately, I think trust is something built with time. It's a response to someone's trustworthiness. Are you familiar with Brene Brown's marble jar metaphor?(https://brenebrown.com/videos/anatomy-trust-video/) I'm finding that learning how to trust again is something done a little at a time. I honestly don't know if I'll ever be as trusting as I was pre-BD, but I'm finding small steps in the right direction is a realistic goal for me.
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« Last Edit: November 01, 2020, 09:55:28 PM by PJ Will Be OK »
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27. Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA  |  BD #2: 2018 - FA

W moved out - June 2019 | OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019 | Divorce final - September 2019 | Moving on

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

New Here? Read this! http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1149.0

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Growing #10
#6: November 01, 2020, 10:22:43 PM
I agree with others that the key is probably about feeling you can trust yourself again....that you have the skills and mindset to trust your own judgment and manage your own boundaries. And I agree with PJ n the value of Brene Briwn's work on trust.....in fact I think I remember she did an online session somewhere that talks about using the same principles in trusting yourself.

Like you, I was a very open person before. Looking back, that was simply bc I felt safe being me. After BD, most of us probably don't feel inherently safe for quite a long time do we? Whichnis normal and understandable imho.

I ha e found fwiw - with the exclusion of a romantic relationship bc I am not in one  :) - that as I started to heal, trust came naturally and I defaulted to something closer to my normal baseline. The only difference I think is that I choose the fields and doors and people where I am open again. The problem truthfully was never my trust....it was hos long I let others use my trust as a weapon. And that said so much more about them than about me. Pearls before swine does not change the nature of the pearls lol.
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« Last Edit: November 01, 2020, 10:24:00 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Growing #10
#7: November 02, 2020, 05:48:54 AM
Thank you everyone for your thoughts.
Perhaps it’s not the trust so much but the control that I need to work on.
I am a very trusting person, almost to a fault.
I am worried about my need for control.
I think one of the reasons I always trusted H was because we had this open dialogue/phone/calendar where we always knew where the other one was.  Never asked for, just given.  So, I think without that, I would be very anxious - and that’s controlling at it’s core.  BUT, I don’t know how to NOT be controlling in that aspect and whether that’s a trust issue.  Just something I need to work on I guess.
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Growing #10
#8: November 02, 2020, 06:12:28 AM
If it helps, Sea, control is almost always about safety in some way....
So you could flip the issue round to 'what do I still need to do now to feel safer?' Vs 'I need to stop being controlling' (and, out of interest, are you seen by anyone other than your xh as excessively controlling? Oh, and excluding teenagers too lol. I just ask bc it is a pretty common bit of gaslighting blame that is doled out to LBS and not always accurate writ large?)
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Growing #10
#9: November 02, 2020, 06:41:40 AM
Seahorse I just read the 20 signs you are a controlling person, none of this sounds like you at all!

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-your-partner-is-controlling

Has anyone outside of your XH, or as Treasur added, your teenagers ever called you controlling?
You do know most MLCer's see us as controlling, right?  It's part of their made up reason to do what they are doing.

From what you've explained, to me, is just a VERY organized person.  Very organized people do feel anxiety when things are not organized.  My sister is very much like that.  Although she is a bit on the OCD side.  ha ha

Hugs
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

 

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