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Author Topic: My Story Growing #10

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My Story Growing #10
#10: November 02, 2020, 08:39:08 AM
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How does one really trust another person, without being controlling and insisting on complete transparency? 

Sea, I get it because I, too, sweated over the question.  Until my very patient IC said, ‘Acorn, don’t think so much. JUST LIVE.’  Those words woke me up from living in my head so much. 

A kind of understanding about trust came to me eventually without trying.  The paradox, as others have said, was that it really was not about trusting others, it was about trusting myself — my intuition, my common sense, my judgement, my objectivity, my autonomy in decision making. 

Trusting my H came to me, unawares.  (I didn’t think I could ever trust him again...)  It’s the accumulation of numerous daily evidences, gathered unconsciously.  It was the way he lived his life, not in what he said or what he showed as evidence.  He demonstrated his trustworthiness by living it 24/7.

How does anyone trust another person?  It’s not in written promises, a handful of actions or material evidences.  There are a million ways to deceive and if they want to lie, they will find a way.  The real evidence is in the way they live their everyday lives.  That will show their integrity or the lack of it. 

(((((HUGS)))))
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Feb 2015: BD. 
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

H never left home.

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Growing #10
#11: November 02, 2020, 08:44:07 AM
You know, it’s funny, you know internally if you can trust someone.  So it really is about trusting your own instincts again.  I mean I knew when my husbands behavior turned shady.

Before then he was willingly transparent.  So was I. 
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Married 21 years
Husband is 44
Me-40
4 kids 7-16 years old
BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but superficial.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.
Oct 30 2020-He wants to get back together.  I am unsure.
August 2021-He has shown very gradual progress over the last 1 1/2 years.  I did allow him home on a trial bases and in another room.  We go to counseling, I do not currently allow touch.  So far so good.

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Growing #10
#12: November 02, 2020, 02:46:26 PM
Thank you Treasur and Thunder -
I wasn’t an over controlling person, but (as you said, Thunder, was a very organized person).
I HAD to be to keep our schedules straight - 3 boys playing soccer, two working parents, one with call...
I also handled the finances, so had to question about spending, etc towards the end. 

I had a great session with my IC today.
Cried almost the whole time.
Realizing that I am upset with myself for not seeing the red flags in our relationship all along, BECAUSE I had trust and believed anything that I was told.
I was mad at myself for not questioning anything but simply accepting explanations.

My IC was able to ask me a LOT of great questions about how I was feeling and what I wanted to address.
So, overall, it was really good.
She said that it’s a good thing that I am able to NOW turn blame from myself for the loss of our marriage to being angry with H for the destruction of the family and the lies and gaslighting.

So, overall a good (but emotionally trying) day for me.
I’ll get there, and interesting that it’s taken me so long to address these issues.
I guess the healing and sadness needed to be addressed first.

Thank you all for following.
I was able to have some self-care, take care of some things around the house, and take some photographs of the birds in my back yard today after a short hike to a quarry.  Great day overall!
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Growing #10
#13: November 05, 2020, 04:10:00 PM
Well I got a text from (x)H yesterday about needing to finish an issue up that was unresolved at the time of divorce (1-1/2 years ago).

As stupid as it is, I was so excited to get a text from my almost-vanishes husband.  I haven’t heard from him since he got remarried almost 1 month ago. 
I do think it’s easier to remain detached if you don’t hear from them...  But I was so happy!

I waited over 24 hours to answer and gave him the times that worked for me.  Good patience, good boundaries.
But I do miss the man I married....
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Growing #10
#14: November 05, 2020, 05:31:53 PM
I have never been able to figure out why I am "happy" when I hear from him. But that is my truth as well and I don't need an answer....

I am also "happier" when I am with him. I do have contact with him and it's confusing to me..but then again..we spent 35 really good years together..he made me happy during those years...I still have that cellular memory I guess that makes me smile.

I was golfing today and a woman said to me "you still love him" and I nodded my head..yes I do.

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But I do miss the man I married..

Likewise  :(
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« Last Edit: November 06, 2020, 04:41:02 AM by Seahorse »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Growing #10
#15: November 06, 2020, 04:43:42 AM
Xyzcf -

Thanks for affirming that my feelings can be found elsewhere.

I WISH that we also still had contact, at least occasionally.
I am imagining that our next contact will be either a wedding of our sons, S19 (freshman) graduation from college (hopefully) in 4 years or his mother’s funeral - which would make me so sad.  She is older but quite healthy, so no reason to feel that would be in the near future.

Anyway - it gives me time to work on my PIES — right!?!  ;)
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Re: Growing #10
#16: November 06, 2020, 04:15:41 PM
Sea, I think it's very hard for the LBS to trust again, because I think so many of us were so trustworthy. We knew there were bad people, but we honestly did not think that our main person was one of them, even if they had FOO issues that we were aware of. They would not hurt or double cross us.

I completely feel this:
'Realizing that I am upset with myself for not seeing the red flags in our relationship all along, BECAUSE I had trust and believed anything that I was told. I was mad at myself for not questioning anything but simply accepting explanations.'
Me, too, I'm angry with myself for not having done anything about the red flags. I did see them, but didn't know what they were, and never, ever thought they were my H cheating and about to destroy our family, kids included. I was so naive, so believing, so accepting as you say. I will never be like that again. Shame.

I don't know if I was ever truly loved or just used, but I did know something was off and prayed for a miracle. I won't be that Disney fueled again. Now, when I sense something is wrong/up/about to happen, I will prepare myself. If I can do something to help the situation, I will do my best. If I can't do anything, I will be aware of what's happening, and accept it. But that is a whole different thing from knowing my person might have all sorts of problems, but believing he would not destroy me, or have never ever had any regard for me.

I guess my trusting capacity would now come from my knowing when something is up and believing those feelings, not letting it go, pushing for answers, or if the answers I need are not given, I will walk away.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D26, D23, S16
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Growing #10
#17: November 07, 2020, 09:48:43 AM
Attaching

I to wonder about trust but I think it would be easier to extend it to a new person.

I like what someone said about learning to trust yourself, your intuition, etc.
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My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

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Growing #10
#18: November 08, 2020, 05:04:41 AM
Milly and Faith -
Thank you for posting.

I do think that trusting ourselves is important (as Acorn wisely pointed out).
It's about trusting that I am able to make smart(er) choice, trusting that I will have safe boundaries in the future and trusting myself to really scrutinize any red flags that may pop up.
That all makes sense...

So currently, I'm trying to parse out why my H will text me about every 6-8 months about resolving the one issue left from the divorce.  It was something that was split (evenly) by me, but he didn't like the way it was split.  We will go to a specialist and have them divide it equitably which is fine with me - IDC. 

Every time I give him dates that I am available, and they pass without any action on his part to get it done.  Then a few months later I get another text and the process continues.

Is this a form of anchor check - even though he's remarried now and we haven't been in contact for over a month now - except that text?  In 2 days, he'll have been married for a month.  UGH...

Perhaps next time I will give him the task of giving me his dates of availability; perhaps then it will happen...
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« Last Edit: November 08, 2020, 05:05:50 AM by Seahorse »

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Re: Growing #10
#19: November 08, 2020, 06:49:06 AM
Help me understand.  The divorce is final.  Assets divided and agreed upon.  Is there a need to entertain a redivision bc he is not satisfied with the terms?  IMHO, I would tell him that the terms were previously agreed upon and that what’s done is done.  You’re kind. 
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