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Author Topic: My Story Growing #10

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My Story Growing #10
#20: November 08, 2020, 07:21:34 AM
Gracie3:
Well, because they were in my possession, I split them how was beneficial to me (financially equal however), but he didn't think it was fair.  (The lot that I chose took up less space so more convenient for me.)  So, I told him to send me his version of fair, and I'd be happy to entertain it.  He wanted it split exactly equal parts, but there are odd numbers, so not possible.  We decided to go to a specialist, but he hasn't been able to make that happen yet, despite me giving him multiple available dates for me.  I continue to hold what I chose as my fair half. 

Just mind boggling how I can do everything I can to accommodate him, without making the appointment, but it still doesn't happen.  That's why it may be best for me to have him give me dates, so I can make the appointment and get it over with and he doesn't have a reason to contact me any longer...I love having contact with him, but it's not healthy for me...
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Growing #10
#21: November 08, 2020, 08:07:45 AM
I'd be tempted to change the approach too.
First of all, I would guess there are/were a ton of things you did not see as 'fair' so pffft to his 'feelings'. Not your circus. So, you have the option to say no....that time is now gone. And it is no longer your job to accommodate him is it? If he thinks he has a legal case, he can pursue that if he wishes. Tbh it sounds like MLC BS sadz nonsense to me.

If you want to consider it in order to get it 'done' or get him to go away or try to avoid legal stuff, then I too would push the ball back firmly in his court but put an explicit and written timelimit on it. So, he arranges the specialist appointment, and pays for it, by x date and gives you three possible appointment options by y date with z days notice. And if that happens, you reach a final agreement by x.2 date. If not, that time window is also gone. And I would keep the timelines short  :) and then do absolutely nothing other than respond to whatever he arranges.

Are you running a small sweepstake lol?  ;D
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Growing #10
#22: November 08, 2020, 09:32:07 AM
Treasur -
Thanks for the advice.
One of us did actually run it past the lawyers and they made a joke to each other about it.  (They said they'd take it and split it between to relieve us of our responsibilities!)
No legal case there...

If I don't hear from him by the last date I gave him, which was 12/12, AND he approaches me again (I will not bother to approach him...), then I will suggest he give me at least 3 dates that he is available, and if I am available any of those, he can reach out to the specialist to see if he is available as well.  BUT, also that I need to know within 2 weeks of when I tell him what date(s) I'm available.
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Growing #10
#23: November 10, 2020, 08:03:29 AM
So... 

My middle son was over for dinner last night with his GF.
They both know how devastated I was by my xHs MLC and his divorcing me and eventually remarrying ow (1 month ago today).

He was discussing why I had hung the pictures in my new house of the family and a smaller photo of the two of us together (collage with family); he said that he thought that having pictures of his dad on the walls would make me sad.
I explained that it doesn't really because those memories were still good memories despite what had happened.

I also said that not that long ago, I wouldn't have been able to look at those photos.

Is this weird or unhealthy --  to have photos of me and my xH on the walls?

I just feel like taking those photos down wouldn't erase the memories or the good times.

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Growing #10
#24: November 10, 2020, 09:26:37 AM
I think it possibly shows your heart is still with him.  My pictures are down and that shows where I currently am as well.
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Married 21 years
Husband is 44
Me-40
4 kids 7-16 years old
BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but superficial.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.
Oct 30 2020-He wants to get back together.  I am unsure.
August 2021-He has shown very gradual progress over the last 1 1/2 years.  I did allow him home on a trial bases and in another room.  We go to counseling, I do not currently allow touch.  So far so good.

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Growing #10
#25: November 10, 2020, 09:34:34 AM
Joy -
I can see where that would be the thought, but I really am not still with him.
I've moved on...
I loved him dearly...
While I do occasionally think about him and what we had, I do not "pine" for him.
I don't care what he's doing, don't want to know, don't look, don't text, don't email, don't ask...

I'm in a good place and happy with where I am.
Of course, that could change in the future, so maybe there is some truth to a tread of attachment.
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Growing #10
#26: November 10, 2020, 10:29:56 AM
That’s good Sea!  I’m glad you’e in a good place💕💕💕
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« Last Edit: November 10, 2020, 10:57:40 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 21 years
Husband is 44
Me-40
4 kids 7-16 years old
BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but superficial.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.
Oct 30 2020-He wants to get back together.  I am unsure.
August 2021-He has shown very gradual progress over the last 1 1/2 years.  I did allow him home on a trial bases and in another room.  We go to counseling, I do not currently allow touch.  So far so good.

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Re: Growing #10
#27: November 10, 2020, 10:44:12 AM
Sea you do what ever you want and feel comfortable with.

You'll know when the day comes to take them down.  That is totally up to you and as long as they don't make you sad, what are you hurting?

Hugs
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Growing #10
#28: November 10, 2020, 11:10:20 AM
Sea, great conversation about trust, control and red flags. I relate to all of that. There is some good food for thought/insight here!

As for the photos- I don't think it's weird or unhealthy.  I have some things in my home that are very special to me, that directly relate to H and our life. But they are in my home because of the memory that I treasure, not because they were a part of H and I. We had a life with these spouses, we have good memories of things (and them), if a photo, artifact, trinket brings to mind those good memories, and no longer causes us distress when we look at it, what's the harm, IMHO. Now if you have a shrine or dart board with photo's set up... that would be a different story. Lol.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
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M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

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Growing #10
#29: November 10, 2020, 03:14:42 PM
Now if you have a shrine or dart board with photo's set up... that would be a different story. Lol.

Uh-oh, I better take that dart board down. ;)

Sea, I agree. You do what brings you peace and joy.  No one really knows the right answer for anyone else anyway. We all walk this path our own special way. Your sweet son just wants his Mama to be happy. A kind, caring soul. I have people in my life who are baffled that I have not yet filed for D and out there dating. But, it's just not something I am ready for. And I've been at this even longer than you. All in our own time.

Trust is an interesting thing. I think I was a lot like you--trust people to a fault.  I think I may have lacked discernment. But I may take a look at that Brene Brown article too. I think we are just better when we can trust. And like Courage said, first we have to trust ourselves. I don't think I fully trust myself yet.

My humble opinion on that text every 8 months? Anchor check. He is only 3 years in or so.  Still in replay so he's still really weird. I always try to assign some meaning to my H's antics. But at the end of the day, he is in MLC, addicted to his OW (along with alcohol and probably gambling), and has the emotional maturity of a 13 year old boy.

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Me 49
H 48
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

 

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