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Author Topic: My Story Wife MLC - BD (Late July) and Path Forward over Past 3 Months

H
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This is my first post outlining my story since the BD in late July when my W told me that "She loves me but is not in love with me".   I found this out after discovering an EA through W's odd behavior and some inappropriate texts.   This led to her blaming me for our marital problems and me doing everything in August to try to save the marriage.   Unfortunately, I did not understand MLC at the time and was only pushing my W away from me.    September then went into complete chaos as she started lying about her location and had some nights of excessive drinking.   This was not the wife that I have now for our years of marriage.  I finally started to read about MLC and I also found this site.   

After the chaos in September, I finally started to first focus on me and take care of myself.   I am exercising, sleeping well, and focused on taking care my two children.  I also have been seeing a counselor and the session have helped me handle this extremely hurtful situation.

I wanted to send a note to everyone that your stories and experience have been really helpful as I start this unwanted journey.   Intellectually, I know what I need to do to take care of myself, detach for the time being, and lower my expectations for my W while she is in the tunnel of her MLC.   At the same time, emotionally this is so challenging because my W and I have already been through so much as she had life-threatening complications from surgery years ago.   We made it through almost 2 years of recovery, and I stood by her side as she fought for her life.

As I have reflected on our current situation, I am taking on honest look at myself and do see that there are things that I need to do to be a better husband and father.   For now,  I am working on myself, and I know my wife needs to work on herself and figure things out.   Hoping to reconnect with my W and eventually work on our marriage in time.   Have no idea when and if that will happen.     
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W - 42
M - 45
Together 19 years, M 16
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

5
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Hello Heavenly,
I am by no means a Veteran but one of them will come in and share their wisdom very soon.  I just want to tell you if this indeed MLC there are a lot of us here riding the crazy train with you  In the meantime dive in and do your research it will help you navigate through the convoluted journey you are on.

If i can give u any advice, understand there are no quick fixes, this is a marathon not a sprint.  So buckle up and prepare yourself for a different life experience.

5hil
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Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
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C
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HeavenlyFocus,

Welcome my friend. I just started this in July as well and it has been a rollercoaster of emotions. My anger is what seems to keep surfacing as of late. I punish myself looking at her Pinterest page and constantly seeing things about soulmates and picking up and starting over elsewhere. It's really annoying and ridiculous to read. When I read them, my knee jerk reaction is to message her and say "stop pinning this $h!te and just go then. Live your little dreams, but your ass is going to be dead to me."
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Married 14 years
5 children - S17, SS16, D11, D8, S5
BD: 23 July 2020
EA: Aug-Nov 2020. Different country, all online.
Separated: 5 April 2021

H
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5hil,

Thank you for your words of advice.  I understand this a marathon and we just passed mile marker 1.  Will take things one day at a time and understand there will be ups and downs with this journey.

Old Pilot,  Thank you the welcoming to the board and for all the resources.  I have started to review these resources previously which is helping me as I start my journey.  I am working on me and am using the time I have been given to find my best "me".  Appreciate  your support.

CastleofGlass, I understand how you feel and I feel the same way.  My W is currently not in a good place and I know is messaging/talking to someone.   Even with this going on, she told me tonight she is in a better place and was implied  she wants to make things better.   She has been going to counseling so she is at least working on herself too to some extent.   It is hard to know what to believe so my main focus is on being the best me.  I also know what I want in my marriage in the long-term but understand that is not possible currently.   It is up to my W  to figure out her issues and will see if she is able to eventually provide the love and commitment that a healthy marriage requires.    No/low expectations in the near term while high expectations for the long-term health of the marriage.    Will see how things play out.  Taking things one day of of time but it sure can be frustrating and  heart crushing during this dark time.

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W - 42
M - 45
Together 19 years, M 16
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

H
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I had a question from the group.  I currently am working on me and have a good understanding of what my W is going though and the actions that I need to take.   

One significant challenge that I have is that my W  has not only disconnected from me but also some of her closest girlfriends and even her parents.   I have encouraged her to spend time with her girlfriends and connect with her parents but she doesn't seem to initiate the contact.   She clearly doesn't want face some of the poor decisions that she has made and receive any tough love.

How did you approach your MLC situation with your close family and friends.   Some of the her friends don't understand what is going on but do feel disconnected from her.    Appreciate everyone's insights and sharing how you approached your MLC situation with family and friends.
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W - 42
M - 45
Together 19 years, M 16
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

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How did you approach your MLC situation with your close family and friends.   Some of the her friends don't understand what is going on but do feel disconnected from her.    Appreciate everyone's insights and sharing how you approached your MLC situation with family and friends.

If you mean how you approach your Mid-lifer to deal with the situation with family and friends, the answer is : YOU DON'T!   Her choosing to not keep in contact is NOT your circus, NOT your monkeys.

If you are talking about how YOU deal with them, you need to decide what sort of R you wish to continue having with them. Where there is any appearance of them having to choose sides, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment. If the are coming to you and asking questions, they need to be directed to your Mid-Lifer. You do NOT want to go sticking your hand into that fire by telling them that your Mid-Lifer is .. well ... a Mid-Lifer.... You can validly assume that anything that you say to them can and will be reported back in some fashion, even if it is not with bad intent....

If it is with YOUR family and friends, you can choose to be honest with them: she is going through some sort of identity crisis and is on a different path or something like that. No need to bad-mouth her (that would be contraproductive anyway)but just being blunt that she is "experiencing technical difficulties" and that if there are questions, they need to be addressed to her because she is making her own choices now over which you have no information or control....
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« Last Edit: November 05, 2020, 04:26:10 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

A
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Welcome to the forum, HF!   May you find it supportive and helpful.

One significant challenge that I have is that my W  has not only disconnected from me but also some of her closest girlfriends and even her parents.   I have encouraged her to spend time with her girlfriends and connect with her parents but she doesn't seem to initiate the contact.   She clearly doesn't want face some of the poor decisions that she has made and receive any tough love.
 

This is NOT your challenge.  It’s 100% hers.  The sooner you can discern what’s on your side of the street and leave hers alone, the better you will be able to detach and survive, and then thrive.   She makes her own choices and there will be consequences, including soured relationships.

It’s difficult for some LBS to step away from advising, hovering, nudging, and we refer to ‘love’ as the reason(excuse?)  Phew, don’t I know all about that!  However, once you step back from it all, you free yourself to focus on you, the person you CAN control.   And one side effect I found out was that it is a most loving thing I could have done for my floundering MLCer.  He was free from my interference, however small, and had space to work on himself, bearing all the nasty fallouts from his atrocious choices.       

None of this is easy and it takes time to sort ‘yours’ and ‘mine’ because couple can and do become codependent over the years.  That is one of the self introspection I was forced to do.   I suspect many of us had to go through this step...

Wishing you all the best.
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« Last Edit: November 05, 2020, 05:26:58 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD. 
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

H never left home.

H
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Thank you UrsaMajor and Acorn for your feedback and recommendations.   I do understand that it is 100% her challenge and I know I need to let go.   I guess it's been hard because I have been her support as she had dealt with chronic health issues over the entirety of our marriage.   I know I need to do this.

As for her family and her parents, they definitely know she is not a good place as we had a pretty big incident recently when they visited from out of town.   I would prefer to keep the details private but what happened made it pretty clear that she is in a crisis and I was put in a position where I had to explain my W issues.  Since then I have been supportive but letting my W handle the relationship.   I will not initiate communication but also will tactfully explain where the relationship when we see them during the holidays.   Will keep it high-level and will leave it my wife to talk about the details her with her family. (Currently planning to visit but who knows what will happen)

Lastly, the most difficult challenge has been how to handle this with "Our Friends".   Our best friends respectively are with another couple and my male friend has been a great support to me allowing me to vent and process this during our crisis.   His wife has reached out to my W and had some initial conversations in person.       Hoping my wife continues to have conversations with her friend who I know will provide "tough" love regarding my wife's current decisions and behavior. 

Understand that I have no control at this point but trying to work through and process everything going on.   Will continue to focus on me and detaching from my W. 
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W - 42
M - 45
Together 19 years, M 16
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

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Hi Heaven,

It is very typical for these MLCer's to turn away from friends and family.  It's most likely their guilt driving this.
People who love and care about her will be honest with her and they do not want to hear it.

She may find new friends who will accept her story because they don't know her, or you, which makes it easier for her, but they will be shallow friends.

I would just suggest you leave her completely alone.  No trying to get her to do anything.  Trust me there is nothing you can say or do to change her mind.  All it will do is anger her and make things worse.

Your job now is to take good care of yourself, have no relationship talks with her, and live your life the best you can.  I know how very hard this is, but it will get easier with time.
She will most likely be gone emotionally for a long time.

I'm glad to hear you are exercising, sleeping well, and focused on taking care your two children. There is nothing you can do for her, but you can do good things for yourself and your kids.  Focus on that, my friend.
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« Last Edit: November 05, 2020, 08:00:16 AM by UrsaMajor »
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

 

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