Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story Wife MLC - BD (Late July) and Path Forward over Past 3 Months

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 306
  • Gender: Female

One significant challenge that I have is that my W  has not only disconnected from me but also some of her closest girlfriends and even her parents.   I have encouraged her to spend time with her girlfriends and connect with her parents but she doesn't seem to initiate the contact.   She clearly doesn't want face some of the poor decisions that she has made and receive any tough love.

How did you approach your MLC situation with your close family and friends.   Some of the her friends don't understand what is going on but do feel disconnected from her.    Appreciate everyone's insights and sharing how you approached your MLC situation with family and friends.

As others have said, you dont.   Anything you do towards her, will be perceived as "controlling".   You really cannot help her out in anyway and just need to let her go and figure this out. 

She will remove herself from a lot of people.  In my sitch, my W defriended our friends on SM.  She hasn't spoken to them since January, when BD hit.   I did tell her that it was her responsibility to repair those relationships, but that was up to her, if she ever chose to.   Thats back when I wasn't aware of what was happening.

Now that I understand its MLC, I have left my W alone.   I dont speak to her and I certainly dont give her advice.   I refuse to give her a reason to label me as controlling. 

Its a hard journey this crisis, and its one that will go on for years.   The best thing you can do for yourself, is to step aside, leave your W to her journey, and focus on your healing.  Because if you allow yourself to get sucked into her BS, you'll never heal

Remember, not all MLC'ers return after their crisis.   So its important that you detach as if your marriage is over.  Focus on you, cleaning up your side of the street so that IF she returns, you can be a lighthouse.
  • Logged
Me (W) 44 - W 42
BD - Jan 17, 2020

H
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 248
  • Gender: Male
Thank you Thunder and LBS_Les for the advice.   Unfortunately, my W has been an emotional wreck and it is starting to really impact our kids.   I do have counseling scheduled for our kids so doing what I can to make sure they have support.

As for  the W, she had an argument with my daughter tonight and I had to try to calm things down.  She then started being negative saying all these things to me in front of the kids putting me down as a father.  I tried to redirect and calm the situation down  but it was extremely difficult.   Afterward we had a one-on-one and she again started talking about us "not being on the same page".   I then got e motional and confronted her about an alleged affair that she has been having saying how can we be on the same page.  I've known for about two months but she still hasn't admitted it.   I haven't talked about it since September.   I left to conversation stating that I know she needs time to work things out, and I will give her the space to do that.   I told her I still want to work on our marriage but know that it will take time.  Will leave it her to decide if she wants to work on the marriage.   Ultimately, she needs to make a decision because currently she is tearing our family apart and hurting our children.

This journey is so awful.  Will give her space and only will talk about our marriage with a counselor.   I am done having these conversations at home.   

Prayers for a better day tomorrow. 

  • Logged
« Last Edit: November 05, 2020, 09:48:24 PM by HeavenlyFocus »
W - 42
M - 45
Together 19 years, M 16
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 868
  • Gender: Male
I'll echo the advice you've been getting. It is so hard not to help someone whom you love when you see them in pain, but you really have to get any notion of controlling or fixing the situation out of your head. My xw called me controlling for things like asking where she was when she was drunk so I could drive her home rather than letting her drive herself.

In the case of my xw, she did cut herself off from healthy friends and found a new group of friends who encouraged her in her new unhealthy lifestyle and "didn't judge her." These were miserable women. Just miserable. Don't be surprised if your W finds some cheerleaders who encourage her to be selfish.

As for your kids, I think the best thing you can do to help them to be OK is to be OK yourself. Eat, breathe, drink water, sleep, exercise, pray...
  • Logged
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27. Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA  |  BD #2: 2018 - FA

W moved out - June 2019 | OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019 | Divorce final - September 2019 | Moving on

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

New Here? Read this! http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1149.0

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2956
  • Gender: Female
  • Time is a Gift! 🎁
Welcome HF

Sorry that you had to join the s-show that is MLC.

Definitely focus on you and the kids.  And take care of your body right now.
One foot in front of the other.
Try to stay out of her circus and her monkeys as much as you can while still being in the same home.
Sending hugs.
  • Logged
Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

H
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 248
  • Gender: Male
Thank you FaithWalker and PJ Will be OK for your feedback and support.

My W came to me tonight and indicated that she didn't want to be in limbo and wanted to give it a couple of months to work things out.   She is living in our home in a spare bedroom and we have been still doing family things together while giving each other space.   She has been more engaged at home with our kids lately and maybe does want to work on the marriage.  At the same time, she hasn't been completely honest with me about a potential extramarital relationship and still seems confused and angry monstering from time-to-time.

She also has communicated some valid concerns about our marriage and me.    I know there are things that I need to work on so I don't put the entire blame on her with where our marriage is currently.   Just trying to navigate this difficult time and try to be the best husband and father that I can be.

She mentioned scheduling an overnight so we can just talk and get away to start working things out?    Part of me really wants to schedule this overnight date but the other part me is concerned that she is not ready and maybe I'm not either with all the hurt.   Thinking it may be a good idea if I can set up boundaries for the evening.    She is very emotional right now and still blaming me most of the time.  In addition to blaming,  she is communicating to me her needs of what she wants with her marriage.

Would appreciate advice on how to best handle this overnight date and future communication.   Thinking we need to start the discussions on what we individually can do to be our best selves and then focus on getting on the same page with parenting which she is interested in.   Maybe set boundaries on  discussing some of the key issues in our marriage for now as I'm not sure either of us ready.     Any advice on the best approach would be greatly appreciated.

  • Logged
W - 42
M - 45
Together 19 years, M 16
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 306
  • Gender: Female
Thank you FaithWalker and PJ Will be OK for your feedback and support.

My W came to me tonight and indicated that she didn't want to be in limbo and wanted to give it a couple of months to work things out.   She is living in our home in a spare bedroom and we have been still doing family things together while giving each other space.   She has been more engaged at home with our kids lately and maybe does want to work on the marriage.  At the same time, she hasn't been completely honest with me about a potential extramarital relationship and still seems confused and angry monstering from time-to-time.

She also has communicated some valid concerns about our marriage and me.    I know there are things that I need to work on so I don't put the entire blame on her with where our marriage is currently.   Just trying to navigate this difficult time and try to be the best husband and father that I can be.

She mentioned scheduling an overnight so we can just talk and get away to start working things out?    Part of me really wants to schedule this overnight date but the other part me is concerned that she is not ready and maybe I'm not either with all the hurt.   Thinking it may be a good idea if I can set up boundaries for the evening.    She is very emotional right now and still blaming me most of the time.  In addition to blaming,  she is communicating to me her needs of what she wants with her marriage.

Would appreciate advice on how to best handle this overnight date and future communication.   Thinking we need to start the discussions on what we individually can do to be our best selves and then focus on getting on the same page with parenting which she is interested in.   Maybe set boundaries on  discussing some of the key issues in our marriage for now as I'm not sure either of us ready.     Any advice on the best approach would be greatly appreciated.

Ok, first things first.   Please remember in their MLC, "Believe NOTHING they say and only HALF of what they do".

Your W is VERY confused right now.   And I am not saying its not possible for her to want to work on the M, but she may be cycling.  Fear may be preventing her from walking away, pockets of clarity may prevent her from leaving.   But ultimately, until she reconciles those demons in her mind, she will always be thinking of leaving.  So hold ZERO expectations on what she says and how things are going.   One day she may be all in, another day she may be all out and screaming for divorce. 

The confusion is very common early on in Replay.   My W was confused and would be in touch with me to keep a connection.   Now she's off in the tunnel and we no longer speak.  In the early days, I could hear the confusion in her words, she didn't want to go, she thought she might be making the biggest mistake of her life, she wanted to be friends.   Now we barely speak, and are two strangers living in this world.

As for discussing what you individually can work on?  Thats trying to control the situation. You are trying to control an outcome in chaos.

What I suggest is just having a discussion and listening.   No planning, no trying to debate her words, just listen and validate where she drops truth bombs.

They spew a lot of confusion,  but if you are actively listening, you can often read between the lines.   Then, shift your focus on how you can clean that side of the street up, on your own.   Your W can say to you "You dont do the dishes enough".   so you start to do the dishes every day, 3 times a day, and she will still be mad, and then find another reason as to why she cant work on the M.

You have to be patient.   This is still very early on, and very new.   This is a marathon, not a sprint, and for her to Properly go through her MLC, this will take years.

Any Reconciliation of the marriage this soon risks another BD down the road.
  • Logged
Me (W) 44 - W 42
BD - Jan 17, 2020

H
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 248
  • Gender: Male
Thank you for the advice and encouragement.  My gut tells me she is not ready for the deep conversations and I need to just listen and validate as you recommended.  This is so emotionally challenging but I have the strength to be patient.  Will keep taking things one day at a time.
   
  • Logged
W - 42
M - 45
Together 19 years, M 16
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

H
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 248
  • Gender: Male
Just wanted to send a quick update that I have had a great two days.   I finally started to feel a shift in my perspective from worrying about my MLC W and instead focusing on my own journey.   

Also was able to communicate effectively the need to move her overnight idea to work on our marriage to a dinner date instead with more focus on parenting as a start.   She is not ready to truly work on our marriage and address the difficult challenges in our marriage.   Figure we can start to get on the same page with parenting and see how she does in time.   W said she wanted to give our marriage a few months  to see if things get better but I can't worry about timelines or what she says.   She needs to work on herself and I will continue to take things one day at a time.    I will be ok no matter what direction our marriages does.   
  • Logged
W - 42
M - 45
Together 19 years, M 16
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2956
  • Gender: Female
  • Time is a Gift! 🎁
Great update HF.  Think of it as a marathon and not a sprint.
  • Logged
Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

H
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 248
  • Gender: Male
Thank you FaithWalker!
I feel like I am 2nd mile marker and have a long journey to go.  My detachment is going well except when I cycle into anger responding to selfish attitude of my MLC W.  The thing that is eating me up inside is the lying about the EA and most likely PA.   I can see this is eating her up inside too and yet she continues to lie and live in her lost world. 

Question for the group.  How did you handle the lying?

She did bring up MC again and I sent her options.  I empowered her to take the initiative and schedule the MC.  Don’t think she is ready and will see if she schedules.  She also was gone for work (not sure if it was really work) the other night and texted our two D and me but only addressed my daughters in the texts.  Very weird times but will continue to press forward.  I committed to God to love and support her and will do so from afar right now.  One day at a time. 

  • Logged
W - 42
M - 45
Together 19 years, M 16
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.