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Author Topic: My Story Wife MLC - BD (Late July) and Path Forward over Past 3 Months

A
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Question for the group.  How did you handle the lying?


In one ear and out the other.  Treated H’s words as just sound bites with no meaning, equivalent to ‘blah blah blah blah blah....’.
Well, except when he talked about his FOO issues. 


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Feb 2015: BD. 
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

H never left home.

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Heavenly -
I agree with Acorn - words to be ignored.
DO NOT try to reason or confront their lies because they will just try to tell you that you're crazy and seeing things/paranoid, etc.
Trust your gut.
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Hey HF,

Good!!! Really Good!!!

Yes, you're got it: One day at a time. Time really is your friend here and the one constant is change. Drag it along, string it along and see it change as it dangles in the wind..... all the while working to make yourself better.

Good job man!! Keep going.

-SS
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W - 40
M - 44
Together 25 years, M 23
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

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I can't say it any better than Acorn - in one ear and out the other.

Or treat the lies like the latest COVID conspiracy theory the cashier at 7-11 feels compelled to share with you. "So the virus came from alien lizard people? Hmm. Very interesting. Thanks for sharing."

But seriously, you're doing really well. Definitely better than I did at the same point. It's so hard not to go into detective mode and/or fixer mode. But all you can do is be that lighthouse standing strong. If you decide to jump into the whirlpool and rescue her, you're only going to get pulled down. Very hard to do when someone you love is sinking, but it's all you can do. Keep your focus where it needs to be and it will be better. No promises it will work out the way you want it. But it will be better. Be good to yourself!
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27. Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA  |  BD #2: 2018 - FA

W moved out - June 2019 | OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019 | Divorce final - September 2019 | Moving on

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

New Here? Read this! http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1149.0

H
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Thank you Acorn, Seahorse, Standing Strong, and PJ for your wisdom and laughs. (Alien lizards lol.)

Quick update:  W went to IC and came back with a suggestion for a MC that has more experience.  MC has experience to deal with marital issues that we are dealing with.  Empowering W to schedule the appointments.  Still want to be cautious that she is not just trying to check the box and at the same time give her space and time to eventually do the work.   Will drag it along as SS suggested.

My W is emotionally fragile right now although she has been through significant medical trauma in her life so she is a fighter.   Will tell her story some day and I know the fighter is still in there somewhere.   

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W - 42
M - 45
Together 19 years, M 16
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

C
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HF, sounds like you are going about this the right way. If your W is genuinely seeking to do the work, on herself and on your marriage, giving her room to take the initiative seems like a good idea. You are proceeding with caution but proceeding all the same, and that is all you can do.
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H
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Quick update.  Really proud of myself the past 24 hours as I handled W's first "work overnight" in awhile very well.  (Not sure it was  true work overnight)  I didn't ask her about the trip and just gave her space.  W also is trying to schedule MC appointment today but waffling a little bit since therapist calendar is a couple of weeks out.   I can go into the on-line calendar and book an appointment now but I want her to book the appointment.   Without her wanting to truly work in MC, the visits will be meaningless.   Tough for me to hold back as I am a planner but I know this is the only way.  We'll see if she does follow  through with scheduling the appointment.  I am not bringing it up after my initial text and phone conversations.  Keeping my expectations low for now.

I also played tennis with one of my friends last night.   It was so great to be outside in a safe environment while having some quality time with a good friend.   During the pasta couple of years, I have neglected myself somewhat so this MLC situation ultimately will be good for me regardless of the outcome in my marriage.   Time to GAL.   
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W - 42
M - 45
Together 19 years, M 16
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

H
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I also just scheduled time to consult a lawyer just in case to protect myself.  Feeling very empowered right now.
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W - 42
M - 45
Together 19 years, M 16
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

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  • Time is a Gift! 🎁
Definitely good things, HF!
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

H
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Thx FW for the support.

Time to journal the latest update.    Brokenness and hope together.  My W and I finally talked for the first time in over a month.   We originally had scheduled time for our family to meet up with other families, but my wife was not ready to get together as she is not ready to face some of her past behavior and decisions.

While we discussed our marital challenges  today, I really tried to listen and validate her feelings.   Although I don't think our marriage is the primary cause for the MLC, it does appear that our marital challenges did contribute to her MLC.

The positive news is that she did appear to commit to going to counseling together.  Although she suggested previously, I am not sure she really wanted to go to counseling. Today I got a different vibe that she meant at least giving it a shot.    We had a fun family night tonight for the first time in a awhile.   This gives me hope.

At the same time, I will continue to take things one day at a time.   My Dad had a MLC and never went to counseling.   My dad was in the MLC for over 10 years and finally came out of the tunnel with his 3rd wife.

As for my W, I don't know what will happen.  She at least appeared to peak out of the tunnel tonight.  I will take it for now and continue to focus on my journey.  Hope she comes along for the ride.   I am working to make myself better and will be OK no matter what.

Early Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

HF
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W - 42
M - 45
Together 19 years, M 16
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

 

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