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Author Topic: My Story Life goes on.

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My Story Life goes on.
#110: October 04, 2021, 01:52:04 AM
Actually, the information that he is fishing for (whether you are dating or not) is really no longer any of his business.... He's left the building and abandon his responsibilities so, by default, he has also given up any right to that level of information about your life.... Whether YOU are ready to date or not is, to be honest, irrelevant because that is YOUR thing, your life, not his.
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Re: Life goes on.
#111: October 04, 2021, 09:15:06 AM
Thank you UM, I agree on all counts. It finally came to roost, over the weekend, that on some level this is some guy who has been living with his partner for some four or more years, and all that time they’ve had a 24/7/365 in-person relationship and she and he know each other far better than I know him. And whatever their daily and nightly and ongoing in-person story? This guy is showing up every few weeks in my inbox asking me bluntly about what I am doing and who with.

That’s stupid. A normal person would at least start with Hello or How are you.

So I don’t like his approach with me, and I’m clear it’s not the one he uses with the person he’s ...using. Also clear that I don’t have to be a person he uses, not for anything. Even if I were open to his connection attempt, which I’m definitely not, I wouldn’t even know where to start. He’s 2500 miles away. I am reticent even with reconnections in my local area or zip code. And most folks where I live actually give plenty of good communication to coax me when I’m reticent; they are at least attuned to who and how I used to be, in the Before times. And they’re respectful for sure, and kind. The one or two who want to know whether I am available for anything resembling closer intimacy at least have the sense to bring that up only after long voice contact.

I chalked it up the other night to the moon transiting our shared natal Mars, lol. Supposedly that happens only every two years or so, which doesn’t sound right, but/and supposedly also it can bring up irritation with a woman and summarily a fight with or about that. And that sounds like a good enough explanation to me. I don’t need to hear about that woman, and I also don’t need to be her. Go take it out on the one who benefits from you.

Anyways. This morning I took D to school and then spent 20 minutes in front of the spice racks at grocery, trying to figure out whether to let go of and replace my old spice jars that I’ve filled and refilled repeatedly over the years. Trying to see whether I liked the idea of dumping them all, and renewing only the spices I habitually cook with now. I don’t know why it took such a long time to think about that, today. In the end, I walked out of the store without buying anything.

D asked for a favorite spice blend last night and so while she stirred, kitteh and I sat on the bare clean *level* kitchen floor and opened and sniffed literally 30 bottles of spices. “He IS a spicy cat,” said D; this is what the shelter staff told us when we first phoned about him this summer. So that was happy times, last night. I love that this little cat is pleasant and curious and engaged even with these human things; he’s fun to share with. I found the spice blend easily; those glass jars are among my favorite possessions, and were the first things packed neatly from our old kitchen.

But there’s about 10 of them I never use anymore, not even enough to refill them. Those can go. I no longer remember what I ever cooked with those; clearly not anything D or I crave. The jar of Hungarian paprika beats heck out of paprika. This morning in the store, I saw that they don’t call it Hungarian anymore, and I wondered why.

I meant to bake a pumpkin pie from scratch today but I need to decide whether to refill the original spice bottles with whatever inexpensive brand or just junk them in favor of all new spice in all new glass. It’s a micro detail but :/ I’ve used the same jars for years and they’re one of the only aspects of my adult life that has remained uniform, consistent, visually reliable.

Each morning since moving to the suite here, I’m aware h has no idea where I am or even who I am, and it makes me wonder what he ever knew of me. D’s dad disclosed a truth to her last week that meant I didn’t have to carry his secret anymore, and I know that unburdening after so long contributed heavily to my exhaustion these past several days. Since, I’ve thought about the secrets I’ve had to carry for or about h. It occurred to me that his about-face and commitment back to ow pre-pandemic could even have been because I outed something to his parents? I can see him being angry or pained about it; in that small way, I did let them know he wasn’t perfect.

In first marriage, that honesty got me a creepy divorce. I know some parents won’t tolerate anyone badmouthing their golden child, even if what’s said is plain true. And I don’t really understand that; I have room for opinions and perceptions and, you know, listening to what anyone thinks. I don’t get why it ever needs to proceed to divorces or cheating or abandonments. But whatever.

What I got this weekend was that h is mad about something or someone and wants to tussle about it, for good reasons or bad. But I’m super clear about the money disparity and the level of interaction he has here versus there, and that if it had or has anything to do with me actually, he can say that more directly and respectfully rather than coming at me like a thrown rock.

My life and my approach to life is different than his, enough that no response makes any sense. So there isn’t one.

Lately in this new clean uncomplicated place, I am watching my felt sense responses to things in our home. Clothing, spice jars, kitten toys, whatever. Watching for things that are from the Before times and truly obsolete, even if they represented Me the way I’ve always been. Some things, I instantly recognize and throw out. But there’s a lot of it to weed through, and I do get tired of it, even the things that are definitely Me from Always.

Change is ok. Even significant or unwanted change is ok.

It’s nice to have a choice, though, and to make it deliberately.
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Life goes on.
#112: October 04, 2021, 10:05:23 AM
Funny you should talk abouts spices and jars. Just a few months ago, I let go all my old spices (they were at least six years old). Replenished my favoritest and the specialty ones I know I use for once a month dishes, and put them a in identical square jars with bold white lettering. The fit perfectly in the spice rack I built 20 some years ago.

It was very therapeutic. Getting rid of making due with old or substandard spices. Organizing for ease of use. Everything easily identifiable. Neat. A small thing, but completely mine and my way.

Sometimes it's the little things that help us along the way.

Glad to hear kitteh is enjoying being an addition to your family.
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When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

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Life goes on.
#113: October 05, 2021, 01:53:10 AM
Quote from: Terra
This guy is showing up every few weeks in my inbox asking me bluntly about what I am doing and who with.
And the answer is.....


Getting rid of old herbs and spices is therapeutic not to mention that, with age, a lot of spices loose their aroma and don't taste nearly as good or strong as  they should or did when they were new. Even dried spices will loose a fair amount of their flavor over months....

One thing that I have found that has NOT lost its punch though are chili peppers... Evidently, the Capsaicin oil (the stuff that makes chilis "hot") isn't as volatile as some might think...
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« Last Edit: October 05, 2021, 01:55:01 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

t
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Re: Life goes on.
#114: October 06, 2021, 07:15:53 PM
OffRoad and UM, thank you — ;) D and I love old spice, but only in the form of antiperspirant and deodorant! I did sort out the “probably will never cook with this” spices and those are bagged to go away. On the drive to school the other morning, I told D I was struggling with it: I can’t tell if this is about good reuse or just hoarding. She said instantly and emphatically that those older jars are about good reuse: preferring the older style packaging was perfectly fine, and refilling those still good jars is just *Resourcefulness*. She said it in the tone that sounds like the woman I named her for. I just about cried.

So with her clarity, after I got her to school, I purchased fresh spices, drove home, emptied the favored older bottles, and replenished them with new content. With a nod to my inability to know whether I will really use up a whole bottle of this or that before the spice ages out, I did buy smaller volume of each replacement, this time. That felt wise and :) thrifty.

While I emptied cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, and allspice, kitteh explored the counter stuff around me. He is smitten with cayenne, old or new. I set the refilled jars away and then gutted a sugar pie pumpkin, and put it to bake, then set aside all the ingredients for a from-scratch pie crust. Brought D home from school, prepared pumpkin for filling, pressed the pie dough into my grandmother’s etched plate, baked that and set it to cool. That tiny pumpkin made filling enough for two pies; the first is nearly half gone; the second will either bake tonight or who knows, maybe the first was enough. I hadn’t baked that recipe since years ago so I am relearning how to “know”.

The suite smells like holiday, wintry and homey.

This morning I kept remembering some key things I’d said to h pre-pandemic, which hurt. I know what I said hurt him; I know it hurt me to say it. But I checked my archives and saw it right there and I also know what I said *had* to be said, because it was truth.

Regardless, it hurt me again, remembering his stunned hurt voice then, and I ...wished today that I hadn’t said it. We both cried then and this morning I cried again; I don’t know why I can’t forget that sad conversation. I feel like if he had said it to me, I would have promised everything and come right through, come all the way through, to restore and repair and make things ok.

It was tough, this morning, to realize maybe he hadn’t because maybe he just couldn’t, can’t.

I find I still have a slender thread of hope or something, that whatever he then felt he “needed to do”, will eventually be all the way done, and then he’ll come home.

I also find that I don’t favor any kind of closeness with any new potential partner until after I feel I understand what happened to my last one. Not like until h tells me everything in reasonable ways that are safe for me and that I trust — but that I need something in me to click or chime, like the oven does when it reaches the correct baking temperature.

I personally am not yet fully cooked.

Pie from scratch is really a beauteous thing, though.

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Re: Life goes on.
#115: October 07, 2021, 08:46:54 AM
Woke this morning feeling so much better than I have in months, ages. Got D to school and while driving back, it occurred to me finally that it is ok to let the past be in the past.

We had driven around in circles a bit yesterday on the way to a grocery over here, in an area we’ve never traversed, and found a really charming neighborhood full of really old little houses. I checked for rentals when we got home, and there’s one that might suit us. Listed by the owner, so maybe possible to work around the pandemic credit score with the story, promise to commit to a long lease, proof of having done that well even through pandemic, and just solid cash. I am a little risk-shy right now but weighing the realities of staying at expensive hotel suite for the rest of the year, versus getting everything out of storage and us into a landed single-family rental. I’m not employed still and ? am still wondering how I am going to correct that; if we land in a less costly rental, it means the money stretches further and I don’t really have to.

If I land us a new place, like the one I’m looking at, it means we can set roots there for the rest of D’s school years. But it would mean dealing with one individual property owner/landlord and I am pretty sure I said firmly as recently as last week or so, that I never want to do that again. I guess every day is a new day.

If we moved into a place like that, there might be a garage but there won’t be a swimming pool. HMM.

I like the pool here; I really miss the ocean where my parents live, and I treasure my daily swim here. Last year would not have been nearly so damaging if we’d had a pool. At hotel I do feel a bit restored to my own element, and my own body, brain, natural and native balance. It’s nice having nice neighbors and seeing people every day.

I miss my couch, though, and all the good things packed in storage; I miss our wall art.

I asked D last night if I should just commit to us living here through January and maybe as far as March. She thought for a second and said No, not really. But neither of us said much after that, because whoa: we still are clearly in limbo, safe and secure but with no idea what future looks like, or where it’s supposed to be.

I find I’m familiar enough with that uncertainty that I’m ok with it for now. Watching money and kind of wishing I had a reliable monthly income here, for all the reasons, and ...eyeing a different car, the same make and model as the one I donated pre-pandemic. Not sure if I am doing nostalgia or just aiming to correct decisions I hadn’t wanted to make “back when” and never felt happy about.

After yesterday, which was kind of oppressed and tough, I’ve decided I think Venus at 29° Scorpio is just a rough degree. Disregard if you think that sounds like hooey.

Today is a different day, a 0° time, and good enough; I got back to hotel and a woman approached me in tears in the parking lot — she was unable to connect to internet and trying to head out to an appointment at a location she’d never been to, and couldn’t map it. I held her off for a second while I got mask out of car and put it on, and then we stood together with my phone and she snapped photos of the map. She was so agitated and I’m glad I was there when she needed both the connect and the help; I’m not saying I made a new friend today, but I know I made a positive difference.

She drove away happy, as though we’d known each other a long time. And that’s the kind of neighbor and human I like to be — the kind that other people feel ok approaching, and that they smile and wave and say nice things to happily as they go on about their day.

I hope y’all have a good day. Thank you for reading. (((HUGS)))
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Life goes on.
#116: October 07, 2021, 10:00:32 AM
Quote
She drove away happy, as though we’d known each other a long time. And that’s the kind of neighbor and human I like to be — the kind that other people feel ok approaching, and that they smile and wave and say nice things to happily as they go on about their day
Such a little thing to you most likely, but changed her entire day and frame of mind. It’s all about this!!!!  When you can appreciate these moments. Connection with people and the human spirit. It is what is sadly lacking and can’t be reached with the MLC’r.  It is this realization that stops me from being hardened in this crisis we are thrown into.

Have a great day!!
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« Last Edit: October 07, 2021, 10:01:48 AM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Re: Life goes on.
#117: October 13, 2021, 02:01:40 PM
Tornup, thank you! I had a good day and since have had some ups and downs. I notice a LOT that since h’s last (nothing, obnoxious) email, I look for another email from him every dang day. Several times a day. So that’s been bugging me a lot, a pattern I fall into really easily. Meanwhile he has likely just gone about his business and isn’t thinking about it or me at all. *sigh* That bugs me too, that I am so easy to condition.

I have a ton of mail to pick up at the offsite mail place here. Normally I just pick it up after taking D to school in the morning or just before or right after picking her up in the afternoon. This has been a trying week, though, and the weather is turning cold and grey, and I find I am trending down into winter mode — in this place where we live for the first time and where we don’t know where we eventually land “for real”. I like it here and we could stay until as far as next spring without any money concern, but ...it’s meant to be temporary. I just don’t know *how* temporary.

Honestly I have naturally made a few strong efforts to make it feel like home, and so to me it does. But I’m used to being flexible or fluid about where I live; that was the nature of my life prior to any marriage. D is less familiar with this nomad lifestyle or temperament, though, so she is expecting we move into a slightly more permanent place at some point.

But. Which point? It’s up to me, and I am looking, every day and night, but the place for us hasn’t turned up yet. I adjust my standards daily, up and down, and at the end of the day I am just glad to have a secured set of rooms that are high quality and safe and good. Sometimes I think maybe it would be best to just commit to reemployment and to being stationed here for a year or more.

She’s at her dad’s after school today. So instead of picking up all the mail, I stayed in bed and listened to a trauma treatment seminar and actually fell back asleep. Then got up and played with kitteh, who is rather bossy when he wants “baby” food — the expensive kitten formula stuff that comes in a tiny can. When he wants that, he races in front of me yowling and swatting at my feet.

I still am not keen to be the primary owner and caretaker, as he was meant to be D’s kitteh and responsibility. And as much as I know cats treasure routines and schedules (don’t we all, kind of), today I told him “You’re bossy and I’m just not going to do it when you talk to me like that”. Like he understands.

He will come to understand, I think. Or, I hope. Dogs are better at knowing when to quit, and I miss that. But this little guy is still bebe and he’s pretty smart. I think he will learn, if I stay consistent.

In the end I have sort of scrapped today. I might go for a swim later, but I also am allowing that I don’t have to.

Uncharacteristically, I threw a catnip sushi into the bedroom and shut the cat in, went to the kitchen and cracked a cold one (something I bought like two months ago, before we even moved?!) and just came outside to sit in the cool grey sun for a while. It’s too early for that but no one is here, and the can looks like an energy drink, and I figure I’ll have it today so D doesn’t accidentally take it to school, lol.

This morning I recognized that when I wake up, I go right into tech browsing — email, social media, news, house listings, job listings, and that it often ends up with me overextended somehow. And that when I woke in the physical warmth and presence of h — which is now a REALLY long time ago — I lived an entirely different and more natural, natively happy and simple way.

The two ways of me could NOT be more different. It was the first time I had really examined that there *was* a difference. And I think I still prefer the waking with, to waking alone. But I realized this morning that I am so accustomed to the present way, that I probably wouldn’t know what to do with the previous one if it turned up again.

I have been reading back in the site archives here, other folks’ stories from ages ago, from before I even landed here. Wondered if I was looking for hope, and decided I wasn’t, really; I’m not. For what it’s worth I’m pretty certain I might never actually see h in the flesh ever again. He might offer or extend some sort of invite. But I don’t favor a brief visit or any comparison of what he had vs. what he chose.

Today I looked at a public figure I admire, and saw that she is several years older than me. I somewhat resemble her in physical age, visually, and although that means the years without h have changed my face and physique a bit ahead of schedule, which, I know he would say or think unkind or unfair things about that or about how I have or have not “handled” my life — I looked in the mirror, then at the older woman’s photograph again, and decided you know what?

I am ok with that.

I will be a regal old woman. Sovereign in myself. And that will be just fine.
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Re: Life goes on.
#118: October 13, 2021, 02:10:33 PM
Oh I should say too,

First thing this morning, one of the counselor/coaches I follow on social media posted about people who read your every post but never comment or like anything. I messaged her privately for the first time (in over a year of following her daily content) and told her in a brief but sincere paragraph how I privately loved everything she posted, every time, and how grateful I am for the good work that she does for so many people, every single day without fail.

Then I absolutely cried, like a child. And I’m not even sure why.

It felt so good and important, to tell that one woman directly and honestly that her works have made such a vital and positive difference in my life. And I didn’t feel vulnerable saying it; I *say* stuff like that, to anyone, whenever I see opportunity. So I don’t know what the tears were about.

Just release, maybe.
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Re: Life goes on.
#119: October 15, 2021, 04:46:00 PM
You sound good Terra...Keep it up....(((HUGS)))
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