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Author Topic: My Story Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 10: Rockin' around, the MLC tree have a happy holida

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#10 already.....

Previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11538.150

Awwww, and the last discussion was getting really good.  8)

We were getting into our fundamental schools of thought (which is really cool), and shows how different we all really are.
No need for conflict (if anyone was thinking that), the exchange of ideas is GREAT!!

I readily admit I'm a little unorthodox  :P 8) ;) - ok, I bend the rules.... a lot.  ;D

Journaling: I've got to start a new thread, so time for an early journal entry.

I get a call from SIL today...... I love SIL . Magnificent women. I can't give her enough praise (in part for things I've listed in the past having to do with her MLC'er H).
Anyway, she calls me looking for W. Apparently she has been calling and texting her all week with no response. Yup, pretty standard. I ask if she knows where W is..... and the answer is "No" but she instantly guesses where. So W didn't tell her, and didn't tell MIL either (once again). SIL gets heated (not at me) and asks a very direct, very honest question: "Aren't you tired of this already?". Well sure. Of course I am to some extent, but that doesn't matter. Being tired changes nothing, so why be tired? Tired is a choice! LOL!!
One of the things I admire about her is she's a very direct and no-nonsense woman.... which actually proof that MLC enhances an LBS before her H broke down, she was very mellow, sweet and a little shy. Still a very loving person, but now she is strong, assertive, just much better all around. Her sweet and loving nature is undiminished..... still there, just joined with strength now. Her faith completely untouched by what she had to endure....... and it had a purpose. Making her, and giving her the strength to forgive and love.
In many ways, I admire her.

So to be asked "Aren't you tired of this already?" was quite the question. It had a lot of implication in it. W's whole family is afraid (and has been the whole time) that I would walk. That is one of the difficult things about being an LBS isn't it? What other people think. The people you love, and that love you. How even for another LBS to watch, know and understand.... and still wonder "how can you do this?". Well.... it is what it is, and that's all there is to it.

As for me, I'm doing great!! Started walking a lot more again with W out. Diet is tightening after some holiday eating (not too bad), still at the weight I was before (but it hasn't gotten better, LOL). So much work being done, and life is a little easier with all this extra time.
I've decided that if she doesn't come home before Christmas, the tree isn't going up. There is a drive-thru Christmas light display that I will do by myself. If she does come home, we'll put up the tree and do the drive-thru together.

There is one thing that has me a little on edge however, one wrinkle: I've known the end of year is important...... I don't know why, but it is. The year is melting away and almost gone. I know that as people we like things to be solid, that we need assurance and confirmation that everything will be ok. Personally I've found that the whole MLC/LBS experience requires a lot of faith. And without getting too religious (I know some are and some are not), I don't know how anyone could get thru it without faith. For me, without it, I wouldn't have made it this far..... that question from SIL would take on a different dimension: "Why are you standing? How long can you stand?", instead of the answer inside me which is "My place is here, and I have a role to play, this is not an accident".
Which actually brings up a question I would have for other LBS's....... (and yes, it does have to do with faith, and God - not meaning to offend anyone)......
For me, I 100% believe there is a reason that I am where I am. That is has purpose. Do you feel the same way?
I believe that if I abandon my purpose, that whatever plan (I'm not privy to) will not come to pass and that my place is right here. To do my part, until choice is removed. Blameless. Granted that is not a fair position to be in, and the cost is very high. Very high..... but in the scheme of things, life is short and objectives which we are not aware of are always building to something. Do you find yourself in this place?
HA this may sound like one of those "Crazy Covenant Keeper" things, but actually it's very different.
I've talked to other men who have had an MLC wife (who happen to be Christian) and some others who held on for the sake of holding on. In both cases they held on for dear life for whatever reason...... in the end, it all blew up (some taking years and years, just extending the end result). Good men. Men that believed in loyalty, honor, sacrifice, family, promises and vows...... but I notice that all that, all of it, is stubbornness and for the sake of preserving something which doesn't exist (which admittedly is a VERY difficult conundrum to be in when you're a good man).  I don't feel that way at all.... I did (at first), and now I don't (haven't for a long time). What I know now is much deeper: that all are loved and that the end was the plan from the outset. MLC was assured before I married my MLC'er so long ago. So why would I be paired with someone like this? Why is that right? It's simple:: I could take it.... AND it could be used to make me into what I needed to become. It doesn't matter what she does, or what damage is caused..... what matters is what happens in the end. Does this person turn out ok? Or not? We have such short vision, and so concerned with our own wants, dreams and expectations that the real plan, the master plan can't be seen from the weeds and the trees. To go forward requires faith, and faith is not solid, not concrete and not assured..... except in the end it's the only way to be assured, to have something concrete, and something solid to hold on to. At that point, there is nothing that isn't possible and the plan is all that matters - even when we can't see.
Know what I mean?

Oh look at me, rattling off like some weirdo. HAHAHAHAHA.
See? It isn't just the MLC'er which bakes when there aren't distractions.  ;)

One day at a time,

-SS
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Quote
that all are loved and that the end was the plan from the outset. MLC was assured before I married my MLC'er so long ago. So why would I be paired with someone like this? Why is that right? It's simple:: I could take it.... AND it could be used to make me into what I needed to become. It doesn't matter what she does, or what damage is caused

I get this...even though I struggle and question God,” could there not have been an easier way to obtain whatever the end result will be?”

He smiles at me, He wraps his arms around me, He sends people into my life at the exact right time to support me and He asks me to trust Him.

So simple, yet so hard. Trust Him. 

I may never know what purpose this has and as humans, we want to know why. We shy away from pain, and this is so deeply painful.

We have been betrayed, rejected, abandoned and our spouse has turned their backs on Him. We “ get” a small sample of what Our Lord went through. He goes after the lost sheep. I need not worry.

It is hard to put this into words. God asked me to do this. I can argue and beg to have this “ thorn removed” but this isn’t just about me. And God makes sure that I am strong enough to handle it.

There is plan, God’s plan which I can get pretty angry about ( and not just because of MLC but all the other injustices and illnesses and terrible things that happen in the world ).....I know this to be true. God created  everything. Because I believe this, because I cannot deny this, because it is something that is embedded in my soul...this is what I am meant to do.

Thank you for expressing it so well.
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« Last Edit: December 06, 2020, 07:26:30 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

C
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This is a really interesting topic. I was raised Catholic and my family still is, though I always questioned the presence of a God and doubted the structure and rules of organized religion. I would classify myself as an atheist, I guess... though I struggle with that because I want to believe there’s some sort of higher power or purpose, something larger than us. But I just... I don’t. I mean, I believe in doing good works because that’s the covenant we make with each other by coexisting on this planet or in our country or city or building together. I believe in the awesomeness of nature and the universe.

So why do I stand? It’s because my promise to my W was a lifetime commitment to be in this life together. And I keep my promises when it is at all possible for me to do so. I don’t know what that means in the setting of her moving on with someone else because she hasn’t. But I know that for me, and in this situation of a spouse who is psychologically fractured in some ways, my promise to her is what keeps me going on this path.
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t
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I'm the same as you Curiosity - raised a Catholic but have no faith myself now.

I am actually a little envious of those who have posted who really do have strong faith because they seem to draw enormous comfort from their beliefs. 

My standing has everything to do with my believing in my marriage, believing in my H and feeling 100% certain that he would never have hurt me in this way if he wasn't extremely damaged in some way.  I came away from another forum site as I was being bashed for my views - I had pointed out that H and I only married 3 years ago despite being together for 23 years prior to that and the view was that we obviously weren't commited in the same way as couples who said "I do" in their early days.  Because of our lack of faith, we just hadn't deemed marriage as important to us - there was certainly no denying our commitment to one another.  We actually decided to get married after my H's major surgery - we wanted to show the world that it didn't make a difference to us whether he had a "bag for life" or not.  I do hope that I don't find similar views here as I don't want to alienate myself in any way!
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C
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Tadsa, one of the best things about this community is that, no matter our histories or our own beliefs, we share a deep understanding of each other that makes for common ground despite our differences.

I share the envy you have for people of deep faith. I have seen people use their religion as a weapon against people who are different in some way, but more often and especially within my family, I see people who draw great comfort from their faith, and whose faith guides them to truly care for and offer service to others. And it is a beautiful thing.

My W and I, as a same-sex couple, didn’t have the option of marriage so we had been together for about a dozen years before getting married. In some ways, it strengthens my belief that the crisis version of her isn’t the person I knew... which is not to say she will ever be that person again, having fractured in this way. But it reminds me that we have chosen each other many times over our lives and she was an active participant in that choice. And that gives me strength to carry on and to see who we both are on the other side of this terrible journey.

Hope this wasn’t too much of a hijack, SS... it was intended to further get into why a person without a deep faith might continue to stand. I really appreciate the discussion.
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Oooooh, how interesting Curiosity and tadsa29,

Thank you for sharing!! I have a question for the two of you that I have wondered and have no answer for (and it's a little off-topic if you don't mind) and it has to do with Catholicism.
I was raised in the Church (Pentecostal) but other than my immediate family, all family located close to us was/is Catholic.

Something that I noticed as I grew up, and especially now is my relatives that are similar age to me (and their children - all of which are also Catholic), they aren't practicing Catholic. I really noticed this when I was a teen but I didn't think too much of it because youth and all that. I assumed (incorrectly) that as they matured they'd turn more into the older parts of the family and be deeply religious. Didn't happen. I think they modestly keep an awareness about it for the sake of the older parts of our family, but when they pass away (as they inevitably will) then I will be essentially the sole holdout. This is very sad to me, and a little distressing to some extent because I deeply care about them.
In the case of my 1st cousin, in her youth, she was insanely beautiful........ which itself brings it's own set of problems. I know she has been thru a lot, there's a lot of damage and trauma there...... what that is, I don't know, I can only guess, but it's not pretty. What I do know (with what brief talks we've had on personal history) is that this had a profoundly negative effect on her views of religion and faith. Since where I live is predominately Catholic, I know a lot of Catholics (LOL), and I know a LOT of "Catholics" in name only (if you know what I mean). Not to judge, that's not my place, and knowing the reasons for why a person chooses what they do is knowledge I will never posses. Everyone is at their core is still just a person.
So I wonder as I think about my contemporaries in my family (my age and younger), is their distant attachment and knowledge just a byproduct of the time we live in? Or it is something else? What I hear over and over again is the opposition to organized religion, and I can't say I blame them. It also is a big factor in the perceptions of current and ex-MLC'ers that I've talked to. Me personally, I'm indifferent about organized religion. Community, teaching and fellowship is important, but for me the identification of a specific church or something like that is not. I don't worship to be in a fraternity, secret organization with a secret handshake or anything like that. What has consumed me over the course of my whole life is knowing God personally. The two people who hold the most fascination for me are Enoch and Elijah.... two "regular" men who knew God well enough that they were taken by him. That tells me that it is possible to know God well enough to be placed with him, but how? These two did not have a church to attend (or at least what we think of as a church..... right?). I think that goal was the ideal of what organized religion was about: getting there...... to that point.... knowing God. If it was possible them, it is possible now, and THAT is exciting!! Know what I mean?
So I guess my question is (and I'm really asking for understanding): In your case, brought up Catholic, and then fading away...... was the reason for that your experience in association with the Church? Or something else?  I know a lot of people who hold God responsible or some event, and have a gulf in their life where they don't allow themselves to be open to him anymore..... and yet when I talk to them, ask questions..... it becomes very obvious, the yearning, the back of the mind knowledge that they (usually) want to find their way back, but either don't know how or are so hurt/angry/prideful/shame that they don't believe it is possible. Does that make any sense?
Well, just curious..... I've seen it a lot, and it's not something I understand. If that's too personal, I understand.  :)

-SS         
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t
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Not too personal SS!  It can be a really difficult subject to navigate though because I am deeply aware of other people's beliefs and have no wish to try to change anybody's mind or cause offence.

Nothing major happened in my background to stop me believing.  And whilst I don't believe in organised religion this is not my reasoning either.  I started to question the existence of God when I was about 13 I suppose.  Up until that point, I had blindly believed what I was told, undertook my first confession and my confirmation as that was what was "done".  Part of my questioning came from seeing others who were Catholic / Christian in name only, people who condemned others and as far as I could see, did little to help their fellow man.  I saw others who had no faith who were kind, considerate and looked out for other people.  All of sudden I realised that it wasn't God who "made people good".  Rather, it was an innate part of someone's personality. 

I have always believed in the teaching of do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  I believe that the world would be a better place if everyone were just a little more kind.  I try to live my life this way and am an extremely loyal friend and wife.  I wouldn't hurt a fly and hope that I would always help others in need regardless of age, colour, sexual orientation or indeed any "label" that society attaches to individuals. 

I just believe that I am responsible for me and that no higher power is looking out for me.  This may seem bleak to someone who does believe but it is MY truth. 

I hope that this doesn't offend!
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C
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SS, interesting questions. And I’m not sure of the answer, or even if there is an answer. Something that seems true for me is that faith is often an all-or-nothing issue. That doesn’t mean it can’t be shaken or damaged, that doesn’t mean it isn’t nuanced. But I feel like the people of faith in my life KNOW, as you do, that there is a God (and often, as you say, feel that they know God personally). And for the people in my life who KNOW... even when things happen to pull them away from their faith, they have tended to find their way back. For people like me, who grew up with people of faith but always questioned the existence of a being we couldn’t see or touch, the hold of religion has always been more tenuous. Part of my struggle was specific to Catholicism and the idea of any human as infallible. I always felt like I wanted to know the underlying facts and reasoning, and I didn’t feel like there was room for those questions.

Not sure that adds any clarity to the discussion. I will say, though, that despite my personal skepticism, some of the very best people I know are absolutely guided by their faith - and they also find great comfort in that faith, particularly when situations beyond our understanding (like MLC) arise. It’s not easy for any of us, but I feel like the idea that this is God’s plan for you and it is also God’s plan for the MLCer to go on this journey... that must make it easier in some ways to leave it to God and to not cycle quite so much. Personally, I spend more time than I should trying to figure out these things that are beyond my understanding. Which can be a fun intellectual challenge in some ways, but which can also be counterproductive. (And please know that I am not minimizing the difficulty of MLC on a person of faith... I know it’s still a major trauma. )

Great answer, tadsa! I can’t put an age on when I began to question... I just did the sacraments because it’s what my family did. I went with the flow because I didn’t necessarily know God, but I also didn’t know there wasn’t one. As a kid, my W was asked by a friend whether she believed in God. And she said something like, “yes. I mean, not really, but yes.” And the friend was stunned, but in the young mind of my W, belief in God was something that you talk about because it’s what everyone else does. And that’s how it was for me, I guess.
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  I for one have rebuilt my life several times. Being an alcoholic I was introduced to god in AA ( court ordered) . It was the first time I said a prayer, I was 18 years old.

  I continued to drink for 7 more years and eventually quit for a New Years resolution. That was 23 years ago.

  I always said prayers to myself and kept it to myself. I would Mtn Bike or surf or Snow Board and would always admire his work. I had a good relationship with him but I never had to rely on him.

   I had what I considered a charmed life after getting sober. I used to ask him what I did to deserve this. Yes I changed my life around but I wasn’t the best human being when I was a kid. My life was so good I used to pinch myself.

  Then MLC hit and I was shattered into a million pieces. I had no answers no rational and no experience in dealing with anything like this.

  The only thing that picked me up and got me through was him and my kids. I was a shell of a man, I was broken beyond what I thought I could handle on my own. I was thinking the worst thoughts and I was the lowest of lows.

  Somehow leaning into him for the first time was the only thing that got me through the day. That somehow some way I was able to get through certain things.  The hurt in my life didn’t push me away it drew me closer.

  I am closer to God than I ever have been but I don’t like church. I like being surrounded by nature and being present in What  he has created. It brings me peace.

   

 
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Journaling:

Just a little something today..... interesting.

I heard from W this morning. It's been a few days, and I figured she had cycled away (probably did)....... anyway, she lets me know that she's had an accident.  ???

She says she fell and busted her head open.  :o
She says she had to get stiches and sends me a picture..... sure enough, her forehead is bandaged. She says she had a plastic surgeon do it so it won't scar so bad.  :o 

Now what is true and what isn't? Doesn't matter, but it sure is  :o
I ask when it happened and how..... she says she slipped getting out of the shower and banged her head...... slippery tile...... YESTERDAY morning.

Well..... who knows..... but what I do know is, it had to be traumatic, AND a scar on your forehead isn't the most attractive thing in the world.
Could it give her a jolt? No idea, but I guess it can't hurt.
Why didn't she call me when it happened?  ::)
[sigh] our MLC'ers..... they are a strange bunch.

She went dark a little while after..... but at least she told her mom she's down there today. Before long she'll be over there, and that's good.

Took next week off work..... SOOOOOOOO looking forward to it. 10 days of just doing what I'd like to do. That's sounds like heaven: Diet and exercise.

One day at a time,

-SS
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