Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 10: Rockin' around, the MLC tree have a happy holida

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2956
  • Gender: Female
  • Time is a Gift! 🎁
I am sorry to hear about your wife's fall, SS.  I hope she recovers well.  I don't understand why she waited to tell you. 

My H did something similar actually before BD, but I am not sure when exactly it was.  He thought he was having a heart attack and wound up in the ER.  He did not call me.  It was a bit humiliating at the time actually because his boss called me to check up on him and I was still at work with absolutely no idea that he was in the ER.  Looking back of course now I have to wonder if he was already starting to check out of the marriage at that point.  And it hurts.  If I thought I was having a heart attack, he would have been the first one I would have wanted to reach out to and know was by my side.

Anyway, I'm so sorry if it stings that she didn't get ahold of you right away.  Maybe in her case it was embarrassment over the fall.  But for some reason, it seems that MLCer's thinking is just totally skewed.
  • Logged
Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

C
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 687
  • Gender: Female
A somewhat different but related anecdote: during the EA, but a few months before BD1, my W had an injury and broke a bone in her foot. It was right after Christmas last year - a Christmas at which OW (who I thought was just a friend) was at our house and during which I felt like a third wheel at their holiday celebration. Anyway, she misjudged the position of something, and she came down hard on her foot. No surgery, but she had to not bear weight on it for a couple of months and she couldn’t drive. So I ended up driving her to work every day. And I remember that when it happened, she just absolutely broke down sobbing. And only part of it was the pain of the fracture, a lot of it was her emotional status related to the EA and her overall crisis. It has happened on a smaller scale once that I can think of since BD2 - a minor injury which leads to her absolutely sobbing until she can barely breathe. Beyond that... she cycles between depression in which she reaches out to me to vent her complaints, times where I don’t hear from her at all for a day or two so I have no idea of her mental status, and times when she seems almost like herself in terms of her overall happiness and talkativeness, but she doesn’t talk with me about anything of real substance.

Anyway... just a way of saying that yeah, I think that when they’re in this fog, injuries and their reactions to them can be really strange and not what you would expect.
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11319
  • Gender: Female
One of the sad strange things about people who start letting lies seep into their life is that in order to hold on to our sanity we have to start, at best, to treat everything they say as coming with a question mark. Which is an odd way to interact with anyone for a long period of time. And of course it stifles our normal unthinking responses to events that in more normal times we would have responded to quite differently.

As you say, Standing, there is an odd whiff of some kind of fishy smell about this. No idea why, no idea what is true or not...but it sounds off in some way. I guess that probably with time the truth will seep out somehow; it usually does. But you seem to have found a level of detachment now that keeps you off whatever her strange rollercoaster is....
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

F
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1214
  • Gender: Female
Ditto, what Treasur said.
  • Logged
Married 21 years
Husband is 44
Me-40
4 kids 7-16 years old
BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but superficial.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.
Oct 30 2020-He wants to get back together.  I am unsure.
August 2021-He has shown very gradual progress over the last 1 1/2 years.  I did allow him home on a trial bases and in another room.  We go to counseling, I do not currently allow touch.  So far so good.

H
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 245
  • Gender: Male
Thx Standing for sharing your story and for the wise words from Treasur.  My MLC W has been lying to me since September and still hasn't admitted the truth which has made our interactions very odd.  I continue to detach and it will be interesting to see what happens when MC does start.   Standing, glad you have a week off and hope you enjoy your peaceful time.   
  • Logged
W - 42
M - 45
Together 19 years, M 16
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1400
  • Gender: Male
Very wise (as always) T.... thank you  :D

Journaling:

I'm on my vacation/break... oh it's nice to just do what you want to do. Needed a break  8)
Blood pressure down, sleep up, diet strict, all good things.
Now if it just wasn't so cold I'd be out there walking 4 hours a day.  :P

I checked my phone and W has arrived at MIL's finally. Haven't hear from her in over a week, but it's comforting to know she finally made it.
Oh course that's not without it's own drama....... she still has the phone not updating (I can only see the general location as she connects to new Wifi networks, so she must think I can't see anything) and late yesterday it had not changed location but close to midnight it did. Well, whatever. She got there, that's what matters. She was a week late in doing so but that is an improvement over three weeks late last time. Baby steps. LOL!!  :-X

I'm going to see if I can lose 5 pounds in the next two weeks. Not sure if that's possible, but I'm going to make a go of it.

Two weeks to Christmas, unbelievable. Time sure flies.

One day at a time,

-SS
  • Logged
W - 40
M - 44
Together 25 years, M 23
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2956
  • Gender: Female
  • Time is a Gift! 🎁
Enjoy your time off SS.

The sneakiness with the phone is very telling.  I remember my then H trying to explain how he suddenly needed to lock his phone "for work".  Ya right, uh-huh, sure.

  • Logged
Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1400
  • Gender: Male
Haha FW,

Yeah they think they're so sneaky and sly don't they?  ::) :P :-X
Really silly.

I talked to my mom today (talk to her every day since BD......... in some ways, like this..... MLC has been a real gift. Know my mom better than at any time in my life)....... and she asks a very interesting question, at a very interesting time.......

So, as an LBS, we go thru our own cycling and figuring things out. Finding what we believe, tossing what we thought we believed, grow, strengthen, improve, mature..... all good things. For me (and I think all of us) I will get stuck on a question, and it can take a long time to really dig into it, resolve it, and sometimes (often) it's in layers.
Well...... I've been working on a question for a while, one of those big ones: "Why am I doing this? The real why.". Isn't that a loaded question? Cuts to the meat doesn't it?
Tonight I'm talking to mom, and I'm updating her...... she has been really unhappy about W running away again, and how she behaves. Well, she hesitates..... and I say go ahead, no question is too much (I've probably already asked myself it anyway).... so she asks "why do you do this? Do you love her? Is it about keeping your marriage? Are you afraid of divorce? Why do you keep going?".  Ahhhhhhhhh, what a question.... and one that isn't easy to answer, but it's one that I have been asking myself a lot recently...... not because I have any intention of stopping..... no no no...... the question is WHY.
As I haven't been able to truly answer the question yet, I don't have an answer, not to myself, not to mom. I know what I did believe, before.... I know what my ideal is, and I know that the ideal is gone (which is a totally different thing to ponder, what that means, what the ramifications are).
So why do I keep going? I think what is so hard about that question is to define why I keep going also means defining what could end that going. Where is the red line. Up till now, my answer would be: "There is no red line", but as we get stronger, and more honest, the truth is there is a red line. Not something I want to look at, not something I want to admit, but processing dictates that maturity and growth means admitting that it is there. Self-worth says it's closer than I want to know..... and the line has drawn closer without me looking for it..... it must have legs.  :P
What I do know is if anything, I'm more durable than ever before (and I was VERY durable to begin with). So it's not a question of wearing down.
I do know is that I can be hurt, but not wounded anymore..... so I'm stronger.
I do know that I'm not afraid of divorce...... it's not something I welcome (at all).... and I'm still morally opposed to it...... but I'm not afraid of it anymore. I know if it comes, it's not my doing. I'm free, I'm blameless. What has really changed is that I'm not just unafraid of divorce, I'm not afraid to tell her to hit the road IF the red line is crossed (which I'm still not sure where it is). That's a big change...... and if that were to happen, it's NOT my fault. Action -> consequence. THAT is growth...... not the growth I had imagined, not the growth I would willingly choose, not the growth I had dreamed of....... growth of capability, and assertiveness. I hope I never have to use it.
And then the question remains: "Why do you do this?". Turning that over like a coin in my hand........ Why? Is it love? Yes, but not completely. I do love my wife... I love the woman I married, and I dreamed of her real potential which was always there but always partly hidden (by damage). I always wanted her to be healed, I sure tried, but I just couldn't do it. She couldn't allow it. Is it the marriage? Yes, but not completely. I love the ideal of marriage. I love what it represents, I love the idea of two people always sharing, helping, loving and trusting each other. Two are better than one. Of course MLC has dispelled that ideal. Is it duty? Yes, but not completely. Being the type which will go down with the ship is a great trait, and one that is so ingrained in me. It's almost romantic..... no, it is romantic. If there is one thing which does define me is it loyalty and devotion. Once upon a time I really think I had that in return (for a time) and I hungered for it again, for many, many years. The ideal of duty has ruled much of my life, and now I am forced to grow and realize that people cluster around people like me because we are a rock, and we don't retreat, and we can be counted on to die on that hill (sometimes a hill not worth taking). Maturity and growth is teaching me that you can't take every hill, and some objectives are not worth the cost and resources. Time and effort are finite, not unlimited as they once were. And then the heavy hitter: Is it because of God? Ahhhhh Yes..... the prime factor. The one which overrules all in my life. The only one which can truly order me to take that hill, and I will...... no matter the cost. All other considerations just melt away when I think about him, and the answer is: "I will do whatever he commands", but there are times the order is unclear..... and I realize that as I sit in this LBS foxhole, I am waiting on his orders. They do come, and when they do, I act. In-between, I ponder, I listen, I wait. Sometimes I think the next instruction should have come already, but I am not in command (thank God), and the order to advance may come, or the order to fall back..... I hope for an advance, but I don't always get what I THINK I want, or what I THINK is best. The truth is, I don't know. I don't have enough information to think.
And so at last the answer comes...... "Why do you do this?"
For him.

One day at a time,

-SS
  • Logged
W - 40
M - 44
Together 25 years, M 23
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

C
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 687
  • Gender: Female
SS, that was absolutely beautifully stated. It makes me wish I had that underlying faith to guide me through the challenging times. I don’t identify with that part of what you said, much as I wish I did, but every other word resonates so deeply. Why do we stand? Partly because of who our spouses are or were, partly because of what marriage means to us, but largely because of who we are at our foundations. Which isn’t to say that the decision to stand is inherently better than the decision not to... but for some of us, the only answer to “how can you stand?” Is “how could I not?”

I aspire to find your level of grace and acceptance. I cycle and process and take it personally more than I should. And it doesn’t make me any less committed to my stand, but it makes the process emotionally more difficult than it has to be. Please know that your words, your thoughts, your attitude... all are inspiring to those of us seeking greater detachment and inward focus.
  • Logged

F
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1214
  • Gender: Female
Your words have been beautifully written and I relate to so much of what you wrote.  God has a plan for you one way or another!
  • Logged
Married 21 years
Husband is 44
Me-40
4 kids 7-16 years old
BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but superficial.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.
Oct 30 2020-He wants to get back together.  I am unsure.
August 2021-He has shown very gradual progress over the last 1 1/2 years.  I did allow him home on a trial bases and in another room.  We go to counseling, I do not currently allow touch.  So far so good.

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.