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Author Topic: My Story When you love what you have, you have everything you need

K
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This title, I mean, it is a little out there for me. But I get what it is trying to say. Count your blessings b/c they indeed are blessings. Live in the moment, b/c living in the past makes you depressed and living in the future triggers anxiety. So many platitudes here. LOL Feeling a little thinky today I suppose.

I wanted to start a new thread as it has been a while. There have been so many developments since last time I posted, I don't even know where to start.

Present situation--S and I still doing great. He gets to go to school 2 days a week and we are doing better with the distance learning. His personality is a constant joy to see. Had to have a small hiatus in the skateboard runs b/c KIT threw her back out!!! Stretching after is super important apparently. (Beyond Blessed is working on her post workout tutorial for me now)  We went on our first run a couple days ago. Still fun. Though colder.

I bought a Peloton. LOL. Probably safer for me.  It is my Christmas prezzy from S, and it arrives in Jan. Yay!

H.....where do I start? Another T&G perhaps?  We are in the throws of another T as we speak. He's been living with his parents since mid November. Apparently broken it off with FB...AGAIN.  He spent Thanksgiving with S and me. Just the 3 of us. We've done a couple Sunday dinners too. S is loving it. I am guarded, but wine helps.  ;D  H was exposed to COVID again, allegedly.  I told him I didn't believe him. It was just a ruse to get out of town with his girlfriend. He gave an emphatic no and that he is quarantining at his parents house by staying in his room.  Something I can obviously fact check since S and I will be there this sat for dinner. Who knows. Nothing I can do. And I am neither happy nor sad about any of it. More in observation mode presently.

Who knows where H is in all this. I sure don't have time to figure it out.  My job and S keep me plenty busy. And I've been working on some upgrades in my house too. Covid takes its toll on all of us indeed. But I am hopeful that there is a light at the end of the tunnel now. Not just for this pandemic, but for my own happiness too. Working on appreciating the moments I have with my boy, b/c they will not last forever.

Thanks all for following along. Your sage words of wisdom, advice and support have kept me moving forward.

Old Thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11532.0;all
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Following along, KIT!

Quote
Who knows. Nothing I can do. And I am neither happy nor sad about any of it. More in observation mode presently.

Who knows where H is in all this. I sure don't have time to figure it out.  My job and S keep me plenty busy.

In my humble opinion, that’s one terrific way to define ‘detachment.’  Being kind and accepting of his coming closer but not placing bets on it; living your life to the full.   So good to see. 

Well, thanks for the calorie-free dessert of your new thread for my lunch break! 

(((((HUGS))))))



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« Last Edit: December 11, 2020, 10:49:23 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD. 
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

H never left home.

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KIT,
 
Perfect title, and it's defiantly true.  Attaching and looking forward to hearing about your adventures with your S!
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KIT, Love the new title.  So important to remember how blessed we are in so many ways.  And you have such a special boy!

You really have been the epitome of grace and calm in the midst of all his drama.  And not accepting any nonsense.  Thank you for modeling the way of kindness. 
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Good to have an update from you my friend. Glad you and S are well.

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“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
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Following along, and loving the new update!
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Observation from a (detached) distance sounds just the right kind of mindset to have, Kit  :)
One of the things we don't expect to feel as LBS perhaps is, after a while, almost a sense of boredom with the nonsense of the rollercoaster.....but I think a lot of us do finally get there  ::)

I read a quote from someone - can't remember who - they said that when life gets really difficult, the only sane thing to do is to double-down on being human. Be 'humaner' than we were before. Big emotions and small joys. Sounds like you are doing just that  :)
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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Love the thread title KIT.
Coming along as always!
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Great thread title, and so true!

Following along on the next installment
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

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My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

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Me too following along, Kit! Wouldn't miss it!

You are doing amazing as usual. Great mother to your great S. It pleases me to hear about the recent touches you've had from your H. He definitely has made movement towards you in the last few weeks. Hope it carries on. x
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When you love what you have, you have everything you need
#10: December 11, 2020, 05:05:22 PM
Traveling along with you, KIT. 

Hope you enjoy the bike.  I think you'll like it. 
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#11: December 11, 2020, 09:15:13 PM
Coming a long for the  ride ,car ride though ,foot still to bad to run lol

  Honestly you sound great Kit like if he comes back it will be because you allow him to ,on your terms.Keep up th good work was good hearing son is doing better on the distance learning.


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#12: December 11, 2020, 11:22:32 PM
Sticking with you Kit.
You sound good. Long may it last.
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Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

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#13: December 12, 2020, 12:17:33 AM
Nice update KIT, and loving the title

For us LBS's who have worked to move forward and appreciate life, work (ick), surviving a pandemic, I couldn't think of a more fitting title.

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#15: December 12, 2020, 12:02:43 PM
Staying with you KIT
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#16: December 12, 2020, 12:52:29 PM
KIT,,, I've been thinking about you lately so it was great to read your update!   Gosh, you sound good,,,, and quite detached I might add.  I know that because you didn't elaborate much on your H's T but instead posted ["And I am neither happy nor sad about any of it. More in observation mode presently.  Who knows where H is in all this. I sure don't have time to figure it out."   Nothing speaks detachment as loudly as this,,, well done!   It's a great feeling knowing you are through the obsession phase, isn't it?  I shudder when I look back in time and see the sad state I was in.   

Have a fab Christmas KIT & son.   Are you able to get out to join other family on Christmas Day or is that prohibited like it is here?   Either way, I know you will make it very special for your boy because you are just that kind of Mama.    :)

 
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#17: December 12, 2020, 12:55:03 PM
Thanks all for following.

I did want to mention a few things b/c my first update seems maybe a kittle more "grounded" than I truly am. Frankly, being around a person I haven't spent more than a few minutes time here and there for the past almost 5 years is AWKWARD as hell. Hence the wine. And not getting into R talks or even about his past is the pink elephant in the room at all times. Again, hence the wine.

At our first Sunday dinner right after Thanksgiving, he called me OW's name while telling "her" how good the food was. He immediately caught himself. And I brushed it off and said, "It's gonna happen. No worries." Didn't want to make it an issue since S14 was sitting right there. But it was definitely a stab to the heart at the time. He felt horrible about it and profusely apologized after he left. Also professed his love for me and that it was absolutely over with FB. If I am honest, this is the one thing I feared the most. And it happened almost immediately. And I survived! So I've since detached from the initial pain that caused. And some wise friends reminded me of the simple truth that he probably called her KIT on far more occasions. Not gonna lie, that makes me smile a bit.

Anyway, guess my point is that I am better able to detach but it does take a minute for me to get centered after one of these hits occur. I know I have much to work on still and I am far from being healed. But I do feel stronger than before. And a little more peaceful. Which is a nice feeling.
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#18: December 12, 2020, 06:34:34 PM
 :D Haha.  You have a way with words that makes me howl with delight.  This time was this:  "I haven't spent more than a few minutes time here and there for the past almost 5 years is AWKWARD as hell. Hence the wine".

I would be the same!  Except not Chardonnay but Pinot Grigio,, or Prosecco possibly. 

And oh yeah,,, I know my h has called his ow, Anon more than a few times.   ;D

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#19: December 13, 2020, 05:11:08 AM
I couldn’t do it KIT. My heart has taken enough battering. God bless you for trying.
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“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
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#20: December 13, 2020, 05:56:58 AM
Hello,

Quote
I bought a Peloton. LOL. Probably safer for me.  It is my Christmas prezzy from S, and it arrives in Jan. Yay!

Wow, it seems like a lifetime ago, but I remember last year when the biggest crisis facing our nation was the Peloton commercial. Fast forward one year and Covid has really brought a new reality check to all of us.

You sound really good and grounded in a new reality. "I don't need him".  Just after BD, I was so focused on getting her back, I wasn't thinking why I wanted her back. It was just if I got her back, my world would return back to normal.

Quote
But it was definitely a stab to the heart at the time.

I bet it was and I was glad that you brushed it off. However, the upside was this....

Quote
He felt horrible about it and profusely apologized after he left.

Wow, good job for him. He owned it. Didn't tell you it was nothing, not to be upset or blaming you either. That was remorse and growth for him. My question to you is this the normal from him or a different action for his errors?

Quote
I am far from being healed. But I do feel stronger than before. And a little more peaceful. Which is a nice feeling.

I think you did an amazing job and responded well to what could have easily digressed into a major fallout. So my question to you is this the normal KIT or a new KIT as well?

Have an amazing day,

((((Ready))))

 

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#21: December 13, 2020, 12:31:40 PM
Hello KIT. Still following along. Glad to read your update and even gladder to read your update of the update. It’s reassuring to hear that the awkwardness is normal even when you’ve reached such a great state of detachment! I always enjoy reading your threads and always learn stuff. So thank you (and all the other wise minds) for sharing.
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#22: December 14, 2020, 06:29:04 AM
Following along KiT....

I gotta say, that guy is in LBITG mode if I ever saw it... (Lost Ball in Tall Grass) but, as Ready noted, he did own the cork-up... for a change... I just wonder how long he'll be able to refrain from drinking the FB Kool-Aid.... Maybe, he's finally decided to get clean of "the drug formerly known a Schmoopie." One can always hope!

Sorta reminds me of this guy....
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#23: December 14, 2020, 01:55:57 PM
Still sounding great, Kit.  Even as your H is still floundering about in his turmoil,  you continue to be the lighthouse, unwavering on the shore.  And, if that still doesn't quite get him to come any closer than Sunday dinner, at least he seems to be floundering in the right direction.   No idea if the Covid quarantine is legit or if it's a convenient excuse to have a dalliance in the tunnel, but you know how T&Gs work, and I know you've weathered them well.

I have no advice on stretching with workouts, as I'm not a big pre or post workout stretcher,  although I do know everyone should be lol. I used to do light cardio for about 10 mins pre heavy weights,  but even that fell to the wayside long ago, so no lectures from me 😉  Just baby the injury as best you can, so as not to keep aggravating.  Rest, ice, compression and elevation...and a few doses of ibuprofen...that's all I got 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I am happy that your H is finally showing some signs of cognizance, especially for your S' sake.  This year has already been rough and crazy enough for all of us, but for the younger ones, it has to be even much more so.  I hope your H continues to move forward and not spend much time stuck or taking too many steps back.  You know the drill, believe nothing they say and half of what they do.   Merry Christmas to you and S, I do hope some miracles are in store for you both.
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#24: December 14, 2020, 05:49:51 PM
I am going to suggest you throw in a little yoga for your back. We desk types don’t realize how much we need it until we go out and try to do some non-desk activity and our whole body is like yikes!! I found a 15 minute morning routine on google that does wonders to keep my neck, back and shoulders from tightening up during the week. Although making myself get out of the bed 15 minutes earlier now that the weather has turned colder is a whole other story.
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D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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#25: December 21, 2020, 12:26:04 PM
Hi guys. Thanks for following along.

I am back walk/running behind S on his skateboard. My lower back injury has just moved down to my glutes and hamstring now. So I am stretching and ready to start some Yoga (thanks DF!)  Even though my new Peloton will not arrive until January, I can access their database of workouts and they have yoga!! I am not so bendy and have absolutely zero balance.  This will be an interesting experiment. LOL.

H stayed away for about a week awaiting his Covid results. I naturally did not believe this story and just assume he needed to withdraw for whatever reason.  And I didn't take it personally nor try to "blow holes" in his story. He is still so very damaged and broken. And as soon as he got his "Negative" result (LOL) he was here the next morning to take S to his last day of school before Christmas break. And then again Sat am to watch a B-Ball game. And then last night for dinner. He came by just now to take S14 shopping to get my Christmas gift. Hasn't done that in years.  And he will spend Christmas with us. It is a lot. And it is all of a sudden.

Where am I emotionally in all this? Do I have expectations? Hard not to. But I've been in this game for going on 5 years now and I know the drill. I know there may be a retreat, or a few. I know this might be another T&G and I won't really know until enough time has has passed and I can look behind me. I sometimes get triggered by little things-like shopping today made me think that last year he was shopping for OWs Christmas gift. Would he get her a gift this year? Is he truly done with her?  And then I shut it down, b/c these are things I simply cannot know. And part of this process for me has been to accept what I cannot control and let God light my way.  For the past 4 Christmases, S14 and I have have travelled to Philly and spent time with my sister. COVID has cancelled those plans and now I am spending it with H for the first time in 4 years. I am not saying God created a pandemic so that I could reconnect with my H. Even I am not THAT self-centered. But I do believe that in his current fragile state, it is probably a good thing S14 and I are here for him.  B/c let's be clear, if it weren't for COVID, we absolutely would have travelled back east regardless of H.

H is coming back to throw the football with S14. Makes me almost cry tears of happiness. S and I have been playing all these things. And I mean, I am not a good athlete at all, but my throwing has definitely improved.  ;D  I know it means the world to him to have his dad spending time with him. And that is what matters most. That, even though it may be temporary, S gets to have his dad back. I'll take that as the one and only Christmas gift I will ever want.
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#26: December 21, 2020, 04:40:52 PM
KIT, I’m so pleased to read about this development! 

Your H is showing where his heart is with his feet and actions, isn’t he. Give me action over words, any day! 

According to my H — when we were well into reconnecting— words were apparently too cheap and frivolous to express his deep regrets and remorse.  So he used his love language — acts of service and gifts.

What is your H’s love language, KIT?  I dare say that might be the language he would use to express his remorse and his desire to be reintegrated into the family. 

If I may, please?   Enjoy each interaction as it happens.  Without any expectation.  Without any timetable for reconnection.  Without ‘you must say and do’ list. Not now, anyway.  If MLCer has learned and was refined by the fire of crisis, and if he loves and wants to be with LBS, he will do those things eventually, of his own volition, IMHO.

I think you are right that he is still quite broken.  I remember my H being totally spent and vulnerable as he was attempting to reestablish some sort of connection with me and the kids. He was without skin, metaphorically speaking.  It’s going to take your H time to heal.  I hope he has started that process already. 

If I were you (and I sense how similar your H is to mine...), let him come closer to you at his own tortoise s-l-o-w tempo because that’s all he is capable of right now.  And because you are strong enough and can afford to be gracious toward him.

(((((HUGS)))))
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#27: December 23, 2020, 05:14:34 PM
KIT -
I am so happy that H has been there for your son.
I hope that he continues to come closer to you and that his actions (and eventually words) will show you his heart.
You've been amazing in your stand and you have been an awesome mom to your son.
You have so much to be proud of yourself for, and your grace and unconditional love shows through to your husband.
Time is still your friend.
Enjoy this holiday of small steps!
I'm living vicariously...

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#28: December 26, 2020, 09:50:09 PM
Kit
  I love to hear other people's good news, about touch and gos,reconnects or whichever. I thought at one time that I would be one of those stories 🤔.  Lol guess not but I'm ok with that and can be happy for others now.

  Lord knows I'm not athletic and can't even throw a Frisbee so hats off to you for even trying ,and improving 👏.  My kids would have probably said thanks mom but I want to live and no black eyes please lol.


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#29: December 28, 2020, 10:52:44 AM
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words. I am trying my best to not have expectations in any of this. But it is not easy.

I had a rough few days leading up to and including Christmas. Beginning with OW showing up at H's parent's home, grabbing his phone and running to her car to text me...from H's phone. It was only a few texts to tell me he was with her and had been seeing her the entire time. He cleared it all up and said it is over with her. But it jolted me. And was a good reminder that OW is still in H's life.

Here is how the text exchange went:

H: OK I'll be over in 20.

20 minutes later.....

H:   OW is here.

H: Sorry

Me:  OK Have fun.

H: I've still been seeing her this whole time.

Me; Ok, you 2 deserve each other.

H: I just want to be there for S14 and get along with you.

Me: I've never kept S 14 from you. You can see him whenever you want.

And then here is where he got his phone back. She erased the messages so he had no idea what she wrote.  But he did say she grabbed his phone when he told her it was over. Told me he is done with her and wants to work on us.


Then he came over for Christmas Eve. He drank a lot prior to coming over. Then told me that I was a cold person, that the only reason he would ever consider coming back would be for S14, and not for me. And that his family doesn't really love me, that they all talked sh#t about me. Super fun.  The flip flopped that I was the love of his life and he absolutely wanted to work on our marriage. Then I had to escort him to the guest bedroom to pass out.

He spent Christmas day with us. It was a good day. Ate steak and lobster (yes a common these for us). We FaceTimed family together. He also came by the day after Christmas and hung out for the day.

Anyway, I think I am still a bit gut punched from the text exchange with OW. And from some of the things he said. Although, he did retract them later on, it still impacts me.  I know he is broken. But I am broken too still, a little anyway.  I know I need to refocus and step back from the madness. B/c it is madness.  I definitely have not reacted to the crazy he's brought back. But I do internalize it. So, good for him, maybe not so much for me.

And I don't want to be a doormat. I know he is hurting. And that he wants his family back. But it's hard for me to detach when it is in my face. I know it is my journey too. That for now anyway, this is about his reconnection with S14. That is the connection that truly matters now. I need to step back and re-prioritize.

ANyway, my Peloton arrives in 2 weeks. And I have taken to eating my body weight in See's candies. LOL. I am planning a lovely New Years Eve with S14, playing games and watching movies....and eating whatever he wants. (I mean that is until the boyz invite him to a PlayStation party) But I will take what I can get. I won't invite H. He is welcome, but I think I need to stop inviting him. He knows he can see S14 anytime. I'll open a grossly expensive bottle of champs that night and toast to 2021 being the year of KIT.  I don't even know that that means. But I think it is time I figure that out.

 
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« Last Edit: December 28, 2020, 11:16:14 AM by KeepItTogether »
Me 49
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S13
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#30: December 28, 2020, 02:04:27 PM
Your H is a flaming hot mess, KIT, and that just stinks for you.  But, you've known all along the monster with whom you're dealing,  so you're acting accordingly.

I'm not sure what to think of OW just showing up and grabbing his phone long enough to make random texts to you and erase them all before he even knew she did it, but that is just the skeptical side of me that questions every little thing the MLC er says and does.  And, then him showing up later on a huge bender just seems like the huge drama Llama will not go down quietly or without a fight.

I hope that you find peace and respite from this insanity in 2021.  The Year of KIT will be whatever you make it, and I predict it will be glorious.
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#31: December 28, 2020, 06:17:22 PM
Hello,

Quote
I'm not sure what to think of OW just showing up and grabbing his phone long enough to make random texts to you and erase them all before he even knew she did it,

This is strange and then his comments to you afterwards doesn't add up either. You know your H is a hot mess and he needs to put on his big boy pants and clean up his act.

Quote
The Year of KIT will be whatever you make it, and I predict it will be glorious.

I totally agree and I hope you have a fantastic New Year as well as a fantastic 2021!

((((Ready))))
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#32: December 28, 2020, 06:34:21 PM
Oh KIT how dreadful!! You have been through so much and now  all of this childish behavior dumped on your holiday. Protect your energy KIT.  Do not be drawn into the chaos. Stay above it.
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#33: December 28, 2020, 11:17:18 PM
Year of KIT sounds good, KIT  :)
You know I'm sure that the only way off a drama triangle is to refuse to play.....and that you can ask him to leave if he insults you bc you are under no obligation to listen to this nonsense.
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#34: December 29, 2020, 12:20:04 AM


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#35: December 29, 2020, 06:18:29 AM
Oh boy KIT, I’m sorry. 

While I was reading your post everything from OW withdrawal I went through was brought right back to me.  I too received “I don’t know who sent that text to you” talk.  One minute he was sending me a dozen roses, the next he was telling me that I needed to find someone else.  So immature, so high school breakup.  It makes me sick to think of it now.  This was when I was able to see his complete lack of maturity in full view.  There was no hiding it anymore.  It was so odd.  It just shows you what their relationship was/is like. 

It took my H a very long time to make the final break.  It took him almost losing our entire company before he was able to pull himself away.  You have been at this awhile and you know when to look the other way.  Good for you.  Protect your son and protect yourself.  He truly is one hot mess.   
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#36: December 29, 2020, 09:23:28 AM
Hey KIT,

In regards to the texts (it doesn’t matter who the author is) and his drunken soliloquy, ‘What people say is often a reflection of them and not about you’ pops into my mind. 

I dare say you may look back on this latest ‘drama’ some time later and see it for what it really is — just another crazy to add to a huge mountain of crazies. Let’s hope it is at the tail end, and not in the middle, of all the crazies. 

When I look back, and with more information that surfaced since then, H’s most emotionally volatile times during his crisis were when he started and ended A.  Crying, overt depression, alcohol abuse, insomnia.  (I am just sharing my ‘sample of one’ experience, if it’s any use to you.)
 
I sincerely hope your H can muster enough strength to get past this difficult phase.  Though the end of A does not mean the end of replay, remaining in it certainly indicates ‘replay in session.’  Ending A is a good start. 

Above all, I hope that you can remain detached and not be pulled into their stupid drama in any shape or form.  I believe you are too dignified for that, anyway. 

(((((HUGS)))))
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« Last Edit: December 29, 2020, 09:33:25 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD. 
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#37: December 29, 2020, 09:55:44 AM
What drama KIT!  Those two are just like teenagers in the final death throes of their relationship.  Who knows when those throes will burn out.   Could be awhile or maybe not.  I agree with Acorn that the most erratic and dramatic MLC symptoms are seen more at the beginning and end of the tunnel.    Either RCR or HB wrote about this and why.   I'll try to find the article and post it if I do. 
Quote
Above all, I hope that you can remain detached and not be pulled into their stupid drama in any shape or form.  I believe are too dignified for that, anyway. 
Yes, I hope this for you too.   The death throes could go into remission several times before it's all over.  And you are too dignified anyway so I'm not worried. 

As usual, you are handling all of this so well and will continue to do so.   You are an inspiration to me and to many members here.   I'm cheering you on with my short white skirt and red Pom Poms.  (figuratively of course..  best if you don't try to visualize that  ::))
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« Last Edit: December 29, 2020, 10:20:41 AM by Anon »

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#38: December 29, 2020, 10:02:49 AM
Thank you all for your love and support. And advice. My first inclination is never to believe anything he says. And frankly, the whole high school drama aspect is mortifying. I hate that I am even tangentially involved in any of it. God only knows what these two have done in public. And of course he confessed that she had been reaching out to his co-workers again. And right after the text incident, he had a big gash on his forehead. Said he fell. But there was no bruise. Looked like a fingernail mark. Good lord.  I just shake my head and tell him that there are no more "family dinners" or KIT involvement as long as there is OW in the picture.  He can see S14 any time, but I am out. He doesn't want that presently. But who knows. It is my boundary.

Acorn-- Yes very volatile.  Forgot to mention that Christmas Eve he told me I'd be rich in 2021 b/c he will be dead. Then he broke down in tears. It is very sad and heartbreaking the state he is in. I know enough to know none of this is about me. But it is hard. Very hard to watch with detachment. But there is another side to it I think. Kind of like a birth. The process is extremely painful, but the end result is beautiful. Praying we get there.

Roo--OW withdrawal for sure. I think it's been happening all year. He's been telling me they are done, then he disappears. Then back. It is crazy. I have no idea if this is the final break. But I am ready if it isn't.

Ready and Beyond-- don't worry, I rarely believe him these days. His emotions, yes. His "stories", not so much.

UM--hot mess is an understatement.

DF--doing my best to stay out of it all. When I get started on yoga, hoping I'll find my zen.

Anon--I am dying at the high school reference. But they have seriously re-lived high school for the entirety of their sad relationship. They went to every home high school football game....and neither has a kid playing. Public, drunken fights. Property damage. No responsibility. A couple of teenagers. Pathetic. Makes my heart break thinking of OW's poor children. At least S14 has me. They have no one.

I do know to take care of me first and foremost so I can be what S14 needs right now. And who knows what the year of KIT...hey the year of LBS, will bring us all. Hopefully the end of a pandemic for starters!

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« Last Edit: December 29, 2020, 10:35:05 AM by KeepItTogether »
Me 49
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S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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#39: December 29, 2020, 10:23:50 AM
KIT you are one courageous, compassionate lady.  This volatile high school drama is not for the weak. The trick, my friend, seems to be reigning in emotions and keeping your head in the game - which you seem to have a serious handle on.  Think about how much growth that shows on your part. The year of KIT indeed!!     
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BD March, 2016
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#40: December 30, 2020, 05:33:58 AM
I’m so ready for the year of KIT.

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The Year Of Kit!!!
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I'm so sorry Christmas was a roller coaster.  Seems with these MLCers it always is.  I am also hoping that the amped up drama is a sign that the affair is near it's end and that he is closer to the end of the tunnel than the beginning.

How is the new Pelaton?  How fun!!!
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Hi KIT!  I have been missing you, particularly since it appears you have left FB.  I am so impressed by your detachment,  I know you may not see it but I see so much growth in you since I've been gone.

You acknowledge the trigger but then you dont pursue it.  This is beautiful!  And yes, here's to 2021, the year of KIT!
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"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

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Hi guys. Happy New Year to you all. Thank you so much for following along and supporting me.

It's been more of the same with H. Although I do believe he and OW are done, I do think he is still deep in replay. As my sister noted, he has just traded in his FB glass of whisky for the real thing now. And with lacrosse season starting up, he has that distraction. He is living with his parents but it is more like he is a lodger with hardly any interaction with them at all. In fact, MIL invited me and S14 to dinner last Sat....but not H. I just assumed he had better things to do. But no. He was hurt. I was angry at MIL for putting me in that position. She did nothing but disparage him the whole evening. And H cannot stand her or even FIL now. And I get it. He is working through these issues. But unfortunately also drinking heavily. Even his fav uncle called him out on his drinking, so he is no longer speaking to said uncle. I gently reminded him he is only looking out for him> He agreed but at the time, was drunk, so not sure anything resonated.

When is ISN'T drinking, he spends much time away from us still and will every so often want to come over and hang. And our communication is better. I call him out on thigs. And he is not so defensive. I misconstrued something he wrote to me in a text and stewed over it for a day, though I never went off on him. But did mention it when he reached out and he explained. It made sense, but what remains is my fundamental loss of trust.

But here is what is really really bothering me now. I found out OW's son recently committed to a college H has been working with in recruiting his LAX players. It is in Ohio. I knew about the school bc H was excited to form this partnership. But I saw OW's son in Instagram signing his letter of intent. And then I remembered H had received a toll violation from Illinois in October. Now putting 2 and 2 together I realize he took OW and her S for a college visit. I am not upset for me. But rather the fact that he can plan this whole trip for another woman's son, and literally have no interaction with his own. It breaks my heart for S14.  And I do get that much of this is about him feeding his own ego. But it still smarts. I just found all this out on Saturday. So I am still processing.  Not sure if it is even worth a mention. Not now anyway. He isn't ready to hear it. And I am not ready to hear the lies.

Yep, still a hot mess.

He did tell me that I am the strongest woman he's ever known (besides his Nana lol), the smartest, and the most supportive of him. I believe he does feel this way. But I am not sure what it means to me now.

Got my Peloton a week ago. It is awesome. And I suck at it. But I am improving every time I get on the thing...which in and of itself is a challenge-that clipping in thing is a killer!!!

S14 is doing great. He takes his high school entrance exams nest week. Where did the time go? He is completely sarcastic (wonder where he gets THAT???  ::) ) and is generally annoyed by most things I say. But every so often, I get a hug. And I will always take those.  Such a good boy. I cannot imagine how anyone could have been given that gift and throw it away to live a life of debauchery.

So I am just going with the flow. Living my life the best I can and taking care of S and everything else. If H wants to see S, I never deny him that. I don't even mind him hanging out here. I'm just taking things one day at a time and trying my best to appreciate all that I have. Hoping one day, when the dust settles there will be a stronger and healed KIT who is at peace and finds joy in the tiniest of blessings.
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Not sure which one of these is the right guy but.... Sounds as if he is substituting one addition for another...



or



or maybe

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Hello,

UM- That was funny, but what is funnier is that all three of those could be me and I am stone cold sober. It explains why I have a fear of heights.

Quote
I am not upset for me. But rather the fact that he can plan this whole trip for another woman's son, and literally have no interaction with his own. It breaks my heart for S14.

I am so sorry for this, because I can take a lot of hits, but hurting my kids is another story. Like you said,

Quote
I cannot imagine how anyone could have been given that gift and throw it away to live a life of debauchery.

But, you have the right mindset and how to live in a healthy way,

Quote
I don't even mind him hanging out here. I'm just taking things one day at a time and trying my best to appreciate all that I have. Hoping one day, when the dust settles there will be a stronger and healed KIT who is at peace and finds joy in the tiniest of blessings.

That is when you reach your own Nirvana. I hope you have an awesome day.

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KIT, you hit the nail on the head.  Ending A is a huge step and a most noticeable event but, unfortunately, it does not signal the end of replay.  He has his bottle and lacrosse. There are probably other activities that he can use as replay.  I’m tellin’ ya, MLCers can make replay out of a tin can. 

I cannot help but recall how it was with my H.  End of affair didn’t mean he gave up the rest of his replay shenanigans, such as excessive drinking and manic exercising. He very s-l-o-w-l-y wound them down until those activities came down to a sane level.

Yep, you are right to focus on you and your dear boy and leave your H to it. 

This is powerful:

Quote
So I am just going with the flow. Living my life the best I can and taking care of S and everything else. If H wants to see S, I never deny him that. I don't even mind him hanging out here. I'm just taking things one day at a time and trying my best to appreciate all that I have. Hoping one day, when the dust settles there will be a stronger and healed KIT who is at peace and finds joy in the tiniest of blessings.


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Kit, first, let me say I love that sassy 14 year old boy who gives you a hug at times. What a great kid you've got.

Then have to agree with Acorn: 'MLCers can make replay out of a tin can.' Ending the affair is a long drawn out business and very complicated. Further Replay activities like alcohol, or whatever, help them relieve the withdrawal, or not. I think this living with his parents and not getting on with them might be quite significant. This might be a crucial missed phase when he was young.

Regarding the latest discovery that your H helped OW/FB's S get into college, he had to. Just another one of OW's demands. Not fair, wrong, insensitive, but that's what MLCers are. THey have no guts, no capacity to say NO to the boss, whether that is OW, Mummy or Daddy. Whoever is the figure they do not know how to challenge or say exactly how they feel to. Of course it's wrong and he has a wonderful S of his own that he has ignored, but that's the MLC beast. Nothing worse than bombing your family. You really can't hurt your kids much more than that. Your H is not with FB any more. She won't be able to use him for her needs any more.

You though, have grown sooo much.
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KIT - Following and also amazed at your terrific growth and healing.
So sorry for S14 that his father is not more supportive and “there” for him.
Perhaps with time...  And hopefully when S14 starts applying to colleges H will be around for him.

At least your son has you, and you’re an amazing mom to him.
He knows that, and will always remember that.
Unlike your H’s relationship with his mom...

Glad that the affair is over, now just need to get through the rest of replay. 
Hopefully the drinking will slow down - don’t need health issues on top of everything else...

Sending hugs.
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Finally beginning to catch up with everyone.

KIT I can totally relate to how you feel about H spending time with Ow S. Not that it’s happened to me, but I can imagine the hurt.
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I'm still processing H's summer road trip. They stopped at 3 different colleges for OW's son. And also had OW's D with them. A great little family vacation. Except for the fact the not even 2 weeks before this happy couple had abruptly ended their relationship, and 2 months after the trip, they would again be broken up. Again. Still, I do get tinges of jealousy b/c that should have been us. It should have been S14 seeing these schools. Instead, H lied about getting Covid on S14's B-Day and once again missed his party. B/c, he HAD to go on this trip. I vividly remember him crying at the window telling me what a wonderful mother I was to our S and thanking me for all I had done. Of course I knew he was only crying b/c he was lying and felt guilty about it.  Such a mess. Intellectually I get it. But yes, it still hurts.

Today is our 19th wedding anniversary. I'm just working b/c I have to. And I am ok really. More thinky this year than anything else.  H did wish me a happy anniversary (first time in 5 years). And told me last night that marrying me was the best thing he ever did. And that he's made the worst decisions since that he will regret the rest of his life. I mean, sure, I believe him. But I also think he's  thought these things all along, at least after the first year or so. Just couldn't pull himself away from his crisis. Maybe he's moving out of it. Maybe not.  I know it has nothing to do with me and that I am powerless in his journey. And although things like this road trip infuriate me, I know they are not what matters. While he was driving all over the country with someone else's children, I had mine here, loving and honoring him on his 14th B-Day. And there's only one of those.

I did buy myself some pink roses over the weekend. They will be my anniversary flowers I think. Or maybe just a reminder that blessings are all around us. And instead of focusing on what I don't have, I should just stop and smell those pink roses and enjoy everything I do have. 
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Kit, days like our anniversaries are really hard. Of course you're still furious after discovering that H was lying about Covid on your wonderful S's birthday. I think we would all be furious.

As hard as this new stage is on you, from the cheap seats, I do think your H is finally having to face his demons. I say 'having' because I think he's still trying to escape them through his drinking and OW. Still hoping he can deflect what he must ultimately face. Yet as HS or HB tells us, rock bottom is something they are pulled into, it's not something they can control any longer. So, I suspect your H's behaviour these last months was more him trying to hang on to the cliff's edge.

I know we all think we wish to be you, but as they tell us, reconnection is very, very hard, as hard as BD when they were beginning to enter the tunnel. Thankfully, you are a much stronger and knowledgeable woman now. You are calling the shots. It's really good to see.
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Happy Anniversary,  my friend.  You are strong, graceful and a great mother.  You deserve to be loved, adored,  cherished and celebrated.  My hope for you is one day you will find the partner who realizes this...be it your H or someone new.  You have too much love to give to settle for anything less.
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Happy Anniversary KIT!

Good job celebrating yourself!  I had a few anniversaries where I bought myself flowers and took myself out to dinner as well!!  You and I are both almost 5 years in now and I think both finally finding ourselves.  This is to be celebrated! 

Hugs, Roo
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Husband 55
Me 55
Kids 3 sons 29, 27, 25 1 daughter 20
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 33 years.  Together 35
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.

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I saw a quote somewhere that said when these kinds of events happen, it doesn't show us who someone is, it shows us what they are not....
And looking that in the eye can be very painful when we so want them to be something different, when we still feel attached to who we think/thought they are, when we know that we and our children simply deserve different than what they are not. I am sorry for the pain of it, Kit, and we all mostly know what that pain feels like.

I do hope, Kit, that a combination of your son and the pink roses offsets any bitter taste in your mouth about your anniversary until or unless your h shows up with something different to offer both of you as a parent and person.

And do remember.....this is the year of KIT  :)
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« Last Edit: January 27, 2021, 09:16:39 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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KIT - Happy belated anniversary!
I hope that it was great, and I love the pink roses to celebrate!

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I have been having a rough week, not sleeping (we all know what that's like, right?  ::) ) and read back through your threads, Kit. In case it's useful, a couple of things jumped out at me.....

One is that notwithstanding covid, you were on a real upswing for most of last year. That both you and your son had disengaged a lot from your h's rollercoaster and focusing on his/ow dramas much less with much less self-doubt or emotion about your boundaries. The tone of your posts was noticeably different imho.

Two is that your h has, pretty consistently for years, said some variation (well usually texted) of 'I'm not happy, I want you/my life back' while continuing to stiff you on money, hang out with ow and her kids and spend very little time with your son.

Three is that some years ago, maybe 2018?, you said that you believe your h is an alcoholic. I think he maybe did some quick rehab visit instead of keeping his promise to join you both at Disneyland? And that you also thought that you might have used alcohol too much as a kind of self-medication post BD, although I don't know if you think this is still an issue for you.

I don't say any of this to rain on your parade, Kit, or to judge you now. More bc I have such respect and appreciation for the marvellous joie de vivre that is the Kit parade.  :) And with respect for the experience of others here who have reconciled that these broken self-destructive folks almost always seem to come back broken and messy to the point where one needs perhaps even clearer boundaries and even more detachment, even if it is detachment with a kind eye.

The facts you have shared suggest that - at least until a few weeks ago - ow is around enough to get her hands on his phone. And that your h is still drinking enough that it significantly affects his behaviour. Neither of these things are of course in your control nor are they your responsibility to resolve. I hope that you are in a place where you can balance these current realities with your own wishes in a way that keeps the Kit Parade on track.....
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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A bunch of pink roses for yourself.  I hope you had some champagne as well! 

I hear you about the road trip.  Another thing for him to pile on top of a massive mountain of guilt.  Consequences, baby. 

It reminds me of the time H completely ignored our children and played a jolly uncle to nephews and nieces. That went on for quite a while.  It used to tear me apart...  So, I get it, KIT ((((HUGS))))

Quote
I know it has nothing to do with me and that I am powerless in his journey.

That is a statement of an emotionally powerful person.  To know it in your core, ‘you did not break it, you can’t fix it,’ is wisdom, I’d say.
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Feb 2015: BD. 
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

H never left home.

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Been a minute since I've been on, and I need to catch up on some threads. Work has been crazy busy, which is a great thing. But it leaves me with little down time.  But something happened yesterday that I feel compelled to share with you folks....

OW stopped by last night. To apologize. She was shaky. Crying crocodile tears and telling me that she is a horrible person and that she deserves every bad thing she gets. She said she and H have broken up hundreds of times through the past 4 years--all bc of his drinking and that she pressured him to include S14 in their "family" activities but he never did.  ::)   There was more, but I think I stopped listening after a while. LOL

My response, after the shock wore off, was to tell her that I didn't wish her ill, that I was not angry and that I did not judge her b/c that is well above my pay grade. I was calm. (Again probably due to shock) Also told her I don' harbor resentment toward her b/c my life is pretty great. And I told  her that now that she has said these things to me that there was no reason to ever contact me again and I politely walked back into my house.  All captured on Ring too.

This is a deeply disturbed woman. Clearly. An act of desperation contacting me. And I did share it with H, who came right over to talk. He was mortified and said all the right things, but who knows if it will stick. I'm not holding my breath. She's been contacting him to get back together apparently. He ultimately blocked her so she's getting a little bit of the karma bus, as he is too.  But he realizes it now. That what he did was wrong and that he never should have left. His biggest regret. And he has started asking me about my life, which he hasn't done for years.

Where am I in this now? Good question. Looking to God to guide me. Some wise HS friends on WhatsApp gave some great advice and support, and their take on it. Thing is, it only rattled me when I first opened the door. Then a great calm took over, and I genuinely felt sorry for her.  But trust, that if she comes a knocking ever again, the door will remain closed. Curiosity got the best of me. But now I am wiser.

As for H, who knows. Jury is still out. I'm just going day to day, and trying not to worry about the future. And doing my best to enjoy the great blessings in my life, which are many.

Hope you are all well.

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Me 49
H 48
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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Ugh.....Kit,

I’m so sorry. It’s bad enough that our spouses and used to be spouses try to use us for emotional support and sympathy...now I guess the OW wants some of your sympathy too? How pathetic.

So xh is thinking about himself, ow has declared herself the ultimate victim here.....and that leaves you what???? Please say uninterested.

And of course he swooped over to fix it all with what.....more words....he should keep his words....they don’t hold value like they used to anymore. If he wants your time or consideration he would be better served by action.

You got this. Listen to your intuition. What a yucky mess.....thank goodness it’s now just a choice as to wether or not you want to deal with the mess anymore.

Love
Courage.
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Me 37
H 37
S16
Wallower/Chaos kid
EA discovered 3/31/2019
BD March 31 2019
He left 10/6/2020
Status: I’m done. Stbxh remorseful, texts and apologizes a lot, is in therapy and several treatment teams.
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

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KIT - Great update.
It sounds like you handled it perfectly - amazing...
You sound strong and healthy.

We will see if his actions follow his words...

Hugs,
Sea
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Sounds like you handled that situation waaaaay better than I ever could have dealt with OW. But what was the point of it all to grace your doorstep hat in hand? Clearly she is not really sorry for interfering in your marriage and causing your boy such terrible grief.  She is still trying to win H back.

There is some seriously messed up thinking going on in that woman’s head. Watch your and S’s back KIT. I don’t think this was closure for her but just another line of attack.

As for H - well time will tell.
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Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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Yucky.  That's how I would have felt with an encounter such as that.  You did marvelous Kit, simply marvelous.

I hope she doesn't grace your doorstep with her presence ever again.
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Uhmmmmmmm... KiT......

We ARE talking about FatBaliff here, right?

Maybe I am just a cynical old guy but ..... My immediate take was that she wanted to see if H was with you or not and when you opened the door, spew her spew about what a horrible person she is... I think it have been a TOTALLY different appearance if H were to have opened the door or if he would have been there. I think I would have agreed with her .. a LOT... "Yes, you really ARE a horrible person... Yes you really DO deserve every bad thing that comes your way... But that is between you and the universe you have created... "

As far as H and his bloviation....


ACTIONS, not words..... CONSISTENT actions...

I’m so sorry. It’s bad enough that our spouses and used to be spouses try to use us for emotional support and sympathy...now I guess the OW wants some of your sympathy too? How pathetic.

Seriously...


Quote from: Couragedearheart
So xh is thinking about himself, ow has declared herself the ultimate victim here.....and that leaves you what???? Please say uninterested.
For OW

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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
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BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Wowza, lady, well done you!  You kept your cool and told her not to contact you again.  A+.

Though I try keep my nose clean from guessing what’s going on in someone else’s head and making assumptions, I am inclined to see FB’s surprise visit as a desperate effort to rekindle A.  What she told you is in the category of ‘you can’t make this sh** up.’  Well, desperate people do and say desperate things. 

Ask me how I know.  H told me about some of OW’s desperate tactics to pull him in again, via work emails.  He told her that he was 100% committed to me and our marriage.  Nothing more, nothing less.  She got the message. 

(((((HUGS))))))
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Wow Kit, 

What a doozy of an OW you have.  Broken, broken, broken.  I hope your H follows through on his words.  Actions mean everything from here on out.

You are doing great, you sound happy and well adjusted.  You go! 

Roo
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Husband 55
Me 55
Kids 3 sons 29, 27, 25 1 daughter 20
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 33 years.  Together 35
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.

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Thanks for updating, KIT! Quite a bit of nerve OW has, showing up like that.  It seems that, unsurprisingly, you handled it with considerable grace.
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Following you KIt, after 5 years and she is coming to your door!

Up
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"Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be attained only by someone who is detached."
Simone Weil
Bd: 03-2015

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Kit, well girl, at least the OW seems to grasp what a bottom feeder and blight she truly is.  And, such a brazen one at that, showing up on your doorstep unannounced and uninvited.   Yeah, the practical and realistic side of me says this latest stunt of hers was just another lame attempt at winning your H's attention once again.  I seriously doubt anything genuinely disparaging she's saying about herself is something she really feels.  If she was that ashamed, I highly doubt your doorstep would be first on her list.  She came to you because she knew an audience with you would give her an immediate audience with your H.

Of course though, you handled the situation far beyond graceful and tactful.  Something that fat, cheating skank will never be.  She thrives off a lies, manipulation, and having no moral compassion.  You are so out of her league that you aren't even in the same galaxy, and the same goes for your floundering H.  I hope for his sake he can kick the sauce and face his demons like a real adult now that the fantasy house of cards has seemingly collapsed around him.
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Hello,

I also agree with Um that her surprise visit was to see if your h was with you. However, you also witnessed despair. Even if h was there, what was her goal? What did she want to accomplish?

I think you handled it very well. I never met OM and I don't even know what he looks like. LOL So if he showed up at my doorstep it would be a huge surprise as he would have to introduce himself. "Hi, I'm OM, I am the guy that slept with your ex."  I don't know how I would respond to that. Just know, it wouldn't be pretty.

I also concur with beyondblessed that I  hope you h can fight his addictions and demons to become a worthy man.

Keep going strong,

(((((Ready)))))
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I never met OM and I don't even know what he looks like. LOL So if he showed up at my doorstep it would be a huge surprise as he would have to introduce himself. "Hi, I'm OM, I am the guy that slept with your ex."  I don't know how I would respond to that. Just know, it wouldn't be pretty.

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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Kit,

That was quite an experience! I agree with the others, you handled that with grace. Congratulations!

Now, I suppose you will need more of that ... time - to see how your h. grows out of this experience.

Thank you for sharing.
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M 59
H 59
S 29
D 26
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

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Phew! Caught up KIT but as i previously said to you, I agree it was all part of her cray cray masterplan.
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Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

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Well, as suspected, H dove head first back into that MLC tunnel shortly after OW's "visit." He isn't even coming by for S14 to take him to school. Just complete ghosting now, except for lacrosse practice. I knew he was a mess. I knew it during the entirety of that 4.5 month long touch and go. It took its toll emotionally on me. And the after effect of being ignored after all the attention, thought intermittent and still elusive, was truly painful.  I knew he wasn't done with her. I knew they were still in contact. And I knew he was so far from healed. But I saw glimpses of the old him. And I guess I liked that. But it did me no good. It made me second guess his every move. I was walking on eggshells. And assumed every minute away from me, that he was off with her. And I was probably right. That is how it was right after BD, except I didn't know the specifics of OW. Horrible feeling then and I hated it even more now when I should know better.  Mad at myself that I fell for it again. Not beating myself up though. Just wish I could turn off my emotions.

It is an emotional time in general though b/c I just celebrated my 50th, Mother's Day was 5 years since BD and S 14 is graduating from 8th grade.  H of course is clueless about the festivities.  He will be included in everything b/c of S14. And also, as I live in a very social climbing community, everyone wants Coach McJudge at their events. Awesome.  We get along in public and I've never disparaged him so everyone thinks all is hunky dory, except for a few insiders.  But oh how it makes my skin crawl watching him eat up all the narc supply of everyone fawning all over him after lacrosse games. Everyone but me that is. Maybe that's why he's done with me. I'll never kiss his a$$ like that.

Oh and I've been getting notices from one of his credit card companies about his card being declined due to it being over limit. And then he actually had the nerve to ask me for $20 at a game last weekend. Wow. Just wow. I gave to to him. Could have given him a lot more. But didn't. And resisted to urge to tell him to ask fatbailiff.  I don't feel used. I feel pity.

Anyway, lots to look forward to in the next few months--travel, vacations, etc.  And work is crazy busy, but that is a good thing. S14 graduates this Friday and he is even going out for football. OMG--he's a small kid but its only freshman fb, so if he ever will be able to play, it is this year. H said he would  not allow S14 to play, but I told him it wasn't his decision. It is S14's. And that I support S14 no matter what. Funny that he thinks he is allowed to have an opinion at all. I'm growing though bc I would have taken that opportunity to school him on that issue before. Now I just do not  have enough F's to give.  And the more time spent away from H, the better I feel. He is toxic. And though I miss the old him, the new him is here to stay for the time being. And he's kind of a d!ck.

Yuck--enough about him. I've got graduation, travel to see my sis and my nephew's graduation from hs. My Dad is coming too. We will be there for 2 weeks. Then S14 and I are going to Disney with his besties and their families. Few other things in the mix.  And some major home catastrophes have occurred in the last few weeks making things a little stressful here.  I have a lot on my plate now, and feeling a tad overwhelmed. But one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

Much to look forward to. And even more to be grateful for.  Thanks all for following along and offering such great support, advice and words of wisdom!
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Me 49
H 48
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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Kit, you really do have such a typical clinger. Five years of your H cycling back and forward, and this last time, it really did see he'd reached his rock bottom. However, I do feel that he is at rock bottom, but he's kicking and screaming to not stay there. Final attempts to run from reality. And now that you know he's back with OW, aren't you sooo glad you acted like a lady when she came to your door?

However, you and your boy are doing brilliantly. You make life such fun for him. I love the plans you have for the next few months. Wish I was married to you!
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D26, D23, S16
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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I’m sorry, Kit, that events turned out In such a textbook predictable way with both him and ow.  Pretty much just as we and you thought it might::)

It is sad, but also perhaps rather freeing, when we are detached enough to see how very predictable the mlc and ow playbook is. And most of all perhaps when we start to feel nothing much more than a feeling of yuk and a kind of boredom with it. The sandpit of the disordered gets rather tedious after a while even as a spectator sport and life has so many more lovely things to spend our time on. And i’m glad to hear that you and your son have plenty coming up to enjoy while your h and Fat Bailiff cycle around Disfunction Junction in endless loops.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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I'm sorry your H is still acting like a putz, my friend.   Fat Baliff is an easy mark, which is about all he can probably handle.  You are too much for him...too good, to caring, too beautiful,  too strong.   You are out of his league, and he knows it.

Your upcoming plans sound fab! Enjoy the festivities and travel!  Let your H wallow in his misery while you're out living your best life!  Oh, and happy belated birthday!  I hope you celebrated with plenty of Champs 🍾
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KIT-
Sorry to hear this. Not surprising but still sorry. It’s so difficult then we get those glimpses of the person they were pre MLC. I know how horrible that silence can feel following a long T&G.

You are so strong and full of grace. You’ve got this.
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So, Judgy McJudge has planted his head back firmly up his ... fog... Gee... Imagine my surprise...

A couple of questions in order to perhaps shed a little light on his future T & G's.... And there will be future T & G's, you can count on it... until/unless you tell him to go play on the double yellow line if the highway...

1) Has he does ANY work on his FOO Poo?
2) Is FatBailff anywhere in the area, i. e. does it still have it's greedy little hooks into his ... ummmm .... you know... ?
3) Are there consistent actions to be seen or is it all just more diarrhea of the mouth and more 
?

FatBaliff is an AfffairDown... Right down to the level he feels himself deserving of so ... Is that gutter-crawling pond slime level something that you could feel an attraction to? Probably not....
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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What a crying shame that the Judge can’t bring himself to be something more than a predicable MLCer. It just boggles my mind that when faced with the two options of you and S and all the wonderfulness that is about to happen there or the dysfunctional Fat Baliff, he picks Fat Baliff.  What a loser.

You soak up every ounce of wonderful that is coming your way  these next few months and leave H to his self created pigpen.
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Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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KIT -
So sorry that McJudgy is still circling around in MLC land.
You're doing great, and so happy that you have a fun-filled summer planed with you and your son.
I know that you'll make his graduation and entry into high school so special.

Enjoy!

Sea
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Sounds like some fabulous summer plans on tap for you and S, KIT.  Live in the moment, not the past and not wondering what the future might hold. 

I hear ya on the house stuff - it gets overwhelming at times running a house and yard all alone.  If only I had unlimited funds to pay for things to be taken care of!! 
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Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

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Have a great time with your S and F!  As always, you are the prize!

Sorry to hear about the house woes.  I am right there with you, but nothing super major, but beyond my expertise.  The doors keep coming unhinged because the screws are stripping in the door frames.  It's frustrating.  The backyard is a forest because I couldn't keep up with it amongst my other endeavors.  I've worked out a deal with the neighbor as he wants to fix up my old broken down vehicle and he works for a landscape company, but he has of yet found the time to come over and work on the yard, and things just keep overgrowing.  And I still have a broken pane of glass that needs a glass doctor to come fix.  Time and money, time and money, neither of which there is an abundance of.
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My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

S
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Just now catching up with you KIT...wow.....they are crazy but I love how you handle it all. You and S have a fabulous summer and focus on you
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Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

K
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Been a minute since I've been on the forum.

Thought it is a good time to post/journal.  More fun with my Stage-5 Clinger.

2 weeks after my last post (June), S(now)15, my Dad  and I went to see my sis in Philly. Almost immediately H starts texting me that he wants another chance. Wants to make it work. Will do whatever it takes. By this point, I just don't believe a word he says so I take it in stride.  When we return to CA, we make plans for dinner 3 times. And 3 times he cancels with some lame excuse. So I go back to ignoring. And he slips away once again. S15 and I had a great trip to Disney with a big group of his friends and family. Really no contact with H from early July to late August.

Then school started and there are so many things to do as a parent for a new Freshman in high school. And with sports there is never a free moment it seems. But it is all good and I am trying to appreciate every second b/c I know it will fly by.

S14 became S15 in September and I took him and 4 of his buddies and their families to a big sushi dinner. I didn't invite H. To anything this year. Tired of being blown off.  Apparently he was hurt.  Join the club a$$hat.  Took a quick girls trip and met someone. Nothing serious AT ALL. Really nothing. But, a reminder that I am not dead and that there are other people that might just find me attractive.

It's as if they can sniff it out though. B/c H reaches out to tell me he wants us back.  ::)  That was a month ago.  I used that momentum to see if he would stay with S15 while I took another trip (besties 50th). He agreed and stayed at my house. He had a heart to heart with S15 while I was gone. Which I appreciated. And honestly I think he needed me to facilitate this b/c I don't think he knows how to talk to S15. Things are definitely better and more father-sonish than they have been in a long time.

So he has been helping with S15 activities, getting involved with school issues, etc. It is kind of nice having an actual co-parent.

Oh yeah, he wants to move home.  I've heard that before and do not trust it now. But I will say there has been a shift. In both of us. He seems different. More relaxed and not having that crazed MLC look about him. Seems tired. Still a hot mess. But not angry.

Do I want him home? If I am honest, it scares to crap out of me. Do I give it another chance? I don't know. Just trying to take one day at a time with no expectations. Easier said than done b/c I know me and that every day he is around, it seems to get better. And I let my guard down. And that is when I get hurt.  But no more eggshell walking for me. I unloaded on him the other night. And he took it well. I now communicate to him every time there is a trigger. Which, let's be honest, happens constantly. He gets it. Tells me he deserves it and understand. Of course I tell him, he deserves to know the truth, but no one deserves to be abused. Not that I am abusive, but maybe not the most diplomatic when conveying my thoughts.

He says things have been over with FB for a long time even though he was with her up until late August. Moved back in with his parents. Again, time will tell. I will say though, for the first time in over 5 years, he is parking in the driveway, not the side street hiding. LOL.  I asked him last night what his "move in" plans looked like.  He said it made him nervous b/c he doesn't want to mess it up. And I told him I wasn't ready either. Plus, I have some girlfriends coming to stay with me in a week so I needed my space.  But seriously, I have no idea what I want anymore. I am starting to actually enjoy my life without him. I never in a million years thought that would happen. But then there is this part of me that feels like I owe it to myself to see if it ever could work with him.   

No decisions today. Just observation.   
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Me 49
H 48
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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Kit, welcome back, you were missed!

Thank you for the update.  I completely understand your confusion.  One day at a time, my friend.
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

D
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What a treat to hear from you today KIT. I have missed you and think about you often.

Sounds like you and S are still living your best life. And H is still ..well, the same lost boy.

Enjoy those high school years. They go so fast.
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Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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So, Judgy McJudge wants a .... 2nd? 3rd? umpteeth chance? And you are hestant and a bit scared and on your guard... Imagine my surprise!

Seriously, from what you wrote, he is still padding the truth in some ways like having it be "long over"  with FB but being with her in August? Maybe in High School that is a long time but seriously....  ::) 2 months +/- a week?

Sounds like you, however, still have your head on straight and are taking things one step at a time as always and allowing PLENTY of time between steps.... Reconnection and (if it gets that far) reconciliation are NOT for the faint of heart!

At least J McJ seems to be more interested in his son... finally...

You are rocking it!
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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And the good news, Kit, is that you don’t have to DO or decide anything at all.
Other than choose what you will allow in your life or head space at any given moment.

Like everyone else probably, and you as you say, the jury is out but all our quizzical eyebrows are (understandably) raised. Your h has sung this tune too often to listen to anything other than his consistent behaviour over a much longer period of time than a couple of months. He may not like it that you don’t put much weight on his words, but hey, that’s an inevitable life consequence of lying and not doing what you say - people tend to stop believing you  ::) Give it time, see what he has to offer as a husband, father or indeed anything else while you just get on with normal life, and then decide whether the cake is worth the (your) candle. After all, as is often the case, it has been years since he blew up the life and marriage and family life you used to have. So, truly, there’s no rush. And bc you know now that you and your son can live just fine without him or his messy dramas if that is all he has to offer  :)
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« Last Edit: October 12, 2021, 01:11:53 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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KIT!  So good to see you update!  I will hopefully be updating soon as well.  (Got a boy getting married in 5 days, life is a little hectic) You and I have had many similarities with our clingers.  They have often talked the talk but cannot seem to walk the walk.  Actions speak louder than words. 

You have every right to keep an arms length away.  In fact I envy you for doing such a good job with this.  You don’t have to make decisions at all right now.  A few questions I would ask your H.  What is HE doing to fix HIMSELF?  In my opinion, this needs to happen before he fixes the marriage.  Is HE in therapy?  Has HE recognized what his actions have done to your family?  Like really recognized?

I have changed my situation into one of redefining instead of reconnecting  or reconciling.  We are working on a whole new marriage, the old one is gone.  My H too tried to step back into the old marriage (the old one worked well for him). But he has come to realize I’ve changed and changed in a big way.  We are redefining what our new roles look like. 

You sound good and strong.  You have raised your boy up with kindness and respect.  I’m so glad H is starting to realize how important it is to be part of his life.   

Take it slow and don’t sacrifice new KIT for the old relationship.  New KIT rocks!

Roo
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Husband 55
Me 55
Kids 3 sons 29, 27, 25 1 daughter 20
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 33 years.  Together 35
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.

C
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Kit, so good to read you again! You seem to be in a very good place, particularly given the upheaval in your world. You are taking it all in stride, not numb to the feelings but also not controlled by them.
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A
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KIT, good to read your update! 

I’m sure you have read a million times by now that the wayward spouse needs to prove himself with consistent and persistent actions over a long period of time in order to restore trust.  Verbal expressions, including his good intentions, would only blossom into something meaningful when he follows up with action, and that, I’d say, is the real proof of his gaining some clarity.  Words of clarity are just cotton candy — a lot of air, not much content; here one moment, gone the next. 

In my view, when MLCer is truly serious about connecting with LBS, they focus on DOING, rather than talking. 

May you continue to stay detached and clear-eyed. 
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« Last Edit: October 12, 2021, 02:41:47 PM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD. 
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

H never left home.

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Thanks for the update KIT. I don't have anything to say that someone hasn't already said better. But you sound great. Cheers from a fellow member of the Class of 2016!
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27. Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA  |  BD #2: 2018 - FA

W moved out - June 2019 | OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019 | Divorce final - September 2019 | Moving on

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

New Here? Read this! http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1149.0

K
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Thank you all for your kind words and support.

H was 5 minutes late this am. And as it is a game day, S15 needed to be in button down and tie. Now, I've been tying the tie via YouTube this whole year. And no, I am still not great at it. S15 and I practice, but as we only do it once a week, we are slow and forgetful. Anyway, foolish me didn't prep early this time (even though I am up at 4:30 am to get to my OrangeTheory class), so I was frantically looking on YouTube to get S15 ready when H didn't show on time. When he finally did, he tied the tie in a half second. But I told him he's an a$$ and that I should never have counted on him. Harsh? Probably. I am not a morning person.  But also, 5 minutes is critical in the morning rush. And I communicated this to him.  But honestly, I just won't make the mistake of trusting he will be where he says at that time he says again.

He knew I was mad and apologized but it doesn't matter. His "sorrys" mean nothing to me anymore. I've been so happy that I actually had a co-parent for some things that freed up some time for me, that I give him way too much credit b/c he still falls far short as a responsible adult and father.  Maybe I am being over dramatic.

MILs Bday is this weekend. I reached out to tell her we (S15 and I ) wanted to take her to dinner and she accepted. H will be there as well. Just like old times. Oh wait, I forgot, the old times were absolutely miserable. LOL. Well, it is a whole new KIT now. I no longer thirst for her approval or love. Nor do I take personal responsibility for H's horrific behavior towards her. S15 and I will eat our popcorn and watch the show. Nod and smile.

Oh wait, I do have some positive things to say about H. I asked that he speak to the FB coach about S15 play-time. Doesn't get a lot. First year ever playing and already a small kid. But I thought H could speak to coach to see what S15 could do to get in there. He fought it for a long time and didn't want to b/c he kept saying he wouldn't put S15 in either due to size . And as a coach you always put in the best players. This is Freshman football not the Super Bowl.  ::) But finally he did talk to the coach last night. H is extremely non-confrontational. Anyway, FB Coach says S15 is really good and fast, but just needs some confidence.  Hoping that will get him in a couple plays at tonight's game.  In any event, I always remind him that he is still needed on the team no matter whether he plays or not. Humility is good for this kid since he's a starter and captain for lacrosse.  And I know it made him happy that his dad advocated for him instead of focusing on the negative.  MIL is the most negative person ever and has always pointed out all negative qualities of all her kids. I could not imagine growing up like that. Explains a lot.

Anyway, game tonight.  Making myself enjoy the moment b/c I know these next 4 years are going to fly by.

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Me 49
H 48
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

b
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I have just got to sat that I'm loving this new Kit, with claws 😉  You are doing a phenomenal job at handling H and giving the necessary truth darts at the appropriate moments....maybe one will finally burst his little fantasy bubble once and for all.  But, whether that happens or not, I have no doubts you will continue to hold his feet to the fire and call him out when his actions don't match his grandiose words.

I am glad that he's showing signs of wanting to advocate and step up where your S is concerned.   I think that's actually probably a way for him to slowly ease back into pursuing an R with you....if that's what you decide you want, that is.  He really needs to be in therapy to fix his issues and figure himself out, long before attempting to reconnect with those he's burned.  Quite the mess they create in their zeal to start a new life before properly addressing the one they already have.  Better buy the jumbo bag of popcorn for you and S.
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C
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Glad things going well for you Kit.

Re the tie, my 3 had to wear them to school, and as you say mornings are always a rush. Most of the time they just loosened them and took them over their head, then back on and tighten - it worked well!

How do you find Orangetheory? I’ve been tossing up joining one around the corner from me, would love your opinion!
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Me 47
H 51
3 adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

M
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Good to hear from you Kit. You do sound great. I understand that feeling of having a co-parent after all the horrible fails from H. I hope he sorts his shizzle out but you sound like you're good whatever. I guess he's sensing that in you and it's having an affect but hey..go YOU!
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Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

T
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When you love what you have, you have everything you need
#100: October 15, 2021, 08:19:22 AM
Continue to follow you KIT. So many years and so much growth. So helpful that you have shared your story, your reactions and frankly your life. It lets us all remember we are not alone in this and helps keep our sanity in this insane situation
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

 

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