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Author Topic: My Story When you love what you have, you have everything you need

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My Story When you love what you have, you have everything you need
#20: December 13, 2020, 05:56:58 AM
Hello,

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I bought a Peloton. LOL. Probably safer for me.  It is my Christmas prezzy from S, and it arrives in Jan. Yay!

Wow, it seems like a lifetime ago, but I remember last year when the biggest crisis facing our nation was the Peloton commercial. Fast forward one year and Covid has really brought a new reality check to all of us.

You sound really good and grounded in a new reality. "I don't need him".  Just after BD, I was so focused on getting her back, I wasn't thinking why I wanted her back. It was just if I got her back, my world would return back to normal.

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But it was definitely a stab to the heart at the time.

I bet it was and I was glad that you brushed it off. However, the upside was this....

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He felt horrible about it and profusely apologized after he left.

Wow, good job for him. He owned it. Didn't tell you it was nothing, not to be upset or blaming you either. That was remorse and growth for him. My question to you is this the normal from him or a different action for his errors?

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I am far from being healed. But I do feel stronger than before. And a little more peaceful. Which is a nice feeling.

I think you did an amazing job and responded well to what could have easily digressed into a major fallout. So my question to you is this the normal KIT or a new KIT as well?

Have an amazing day,

((((Ready))))

 

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When you love what you have, you have everything you need
#21: December 13, 2020, 12:31:40 PM
Hello KIT. Still following along. Glad to read your update and even gladder to read your update of the update. It’s reassuring to hear that the awkwardness is normal even when you’ve reached such a great state of detachment! I always enjoy reading your threads and always learn stuff. So thank you (and all the other wise minds) for sharing.
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M: 50 (48 @ BD)
H: 53 (51 @ BD)
Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 21 (19 @ BD)
D: 19 (17 @ BD)
'Extra D': 19 (17 @ BD)
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (45, now 47) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her. Jun 20: H plans to buy a block of land and build a house with her.

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When you love what you have, you have everything you need
#22: December 14, 2020, 06:29:04 AM
Following along KiT....

I gotta say, that guy is in LBITG mode if I ever saw it... (Lost Ball in Tall Grass) but, as Ready noted, he did own the cork-up... for a change... I just wonder how long he'll be able to refrain from drinking the FB Kool-Aid.... Maybe, he's finally decided to get clean of "the drug formerly known a Schmoopie." One can always hope!

Sorta reminds me of this guy....
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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#23: December 14, 2020, 01:55:57 PM
Still sounding great, Kit.  Even as your H is still floundering about in his turmoil,  you continue to be the lighthouse, unwavering on the shore.  And, if that still doesn't quite get him to come any closer than Sunday dinner, at least he seems to be floundering in the right direction.   No idea if the Covid quarantine is legit or if it's a convenient excuse to have a dalliance in the tunnel, but you know how T&Gs work, and I know you've weathered them well.

I have no advice on stretching with workouts, as I'm not a big pre or post workout stretcher,  although I do know everyone should be lol. I used to do light cardio for about 10 mins pre heavy weights,  but even that fell to the wayside long ago, so no lectures from me 😉  Just baby the injury as best you can, so as not to keep aggravating.  Rest, ice, compression and elevation...and a few doses of ibuprofen...that's all I got 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I am happy that your H is finally showing some signs of cognizance, especially for your S' sake.  This year has already been rough and crazy enough for all of us, but for the younger ones, it has to be even much more so.  I hope your H continues to move forward and not spend much time stuck or taking too many steps back.  You know the drill, believe nothing they say and half of what they do.   Merry Christmas to you and S, I do hope some miracles are in store for you both.
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#24: December 14, 2020, 05:49:51 PM
I am going to suggest you throw in a little yoga for your back. We desk types don’t realize how much we need it until we go out and try to do some non-desk activity and our whole body is like yikes!! I found a 15 minute morning routine on google that does wonders to keep my neck, back and shoulders from tightening up during the week. Although making myself get out of the bed 15 minutes earlier now that the weather has turned colder is a whole other story.
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Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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#25: December 21, 2020, 12:26:04 PM
Hi guys. Thanks for following along.

I am back walk/running behind S on his skateboard. My lower back injury has just moved down to my glutes and hamstring now. So I am stretching and ready to start some Yoga (thanks DF!)  Even though my new Peloton will not arrive until January, I can access their database of workouts and they have yoga!! I am not so bendy and have absolutely zero balance.  This will be an interesting experiment. LOL.

H stayed away for about a week awaiting his Covid results. I naturally did not believe this story and just assume he needed to withdraw for whatever reason.  And I didn't take it personally nor try to "blow holes" in his story. He is still so very damaged and broken. And as soon as he got his "Negative" result (LOL) he was here the next morning to take S to his last day of school before Christmas break. And then again Sat am to watch a B-Ball game. And then last night for dinner. He came by just now to take S14 shopping to get my Christmas gift. Hasn't done that in years.  And he will spend Christmas with us. It is a lot. And it is all of a sudden.

Where am I emotionally in all this? Do I have expectations? Hard not to. But I've been in this game for going on 5 years now and I know the drill. I know there may be a retreat, or a few. I know this might be another T&G and I won't really know until enough time has has passed and I can look behind me. I sometimes get triggered by little things-like shopping today made me think that last year he was shopping for OWs Christmas gift. Would he get her a gift this year? Is he truly done with her?  And then I shut it down, b/c these are things I simply cannot know. And part of this process for me has been to accept what I cannot control and let God light my way.  For the past 4 Christmases, S14 and I have have travelled to Philly and spent time with my sister. COVID has cancelled those plans and now I am spending it with H for the first time in 4 years. I am not saying God created a pandemic so that I could reconnect with my H. Even I am not THAT self-centered. But I do believe that in his current fragile state, it is probably a good thing S14 and I are here for him.  B/c let's be clear, if it weren't for COVID, we absolutely would have travelled back east regardless of H.

H is coming back to throw the football with S14. Makes me almost cry tears of happiness. S and I have been playing all these things. And I mean, I am not a good athlete at all, but my throwing has definitely improved.  ;D  I know it means the world to him to have his dad spending time with him. And that is what matters most. That, even though it may be temporary, S gets to have his dad back. I'll take that as the one and only Christmas gift I will ever want.
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#26: December 21, 2020, 04:40:52 PM
KIT, I’m so pleased to read about this development! 

Your H is showing where his heart is with his feet and actions, isn’t he. Give me action over words, any day! 

According to my H — when we were well into reconnecting— words were apparently too cheap and frivolous to express his deep regrets and remorse.  So he used his love language — acts of service and gifts.

What is your H’s love language, KIT?  I dare say that might be the language he would use to express his remorse and his desire to be reintegrated into the family. 

If I may, please?   Enjoy each interaction as it happens.  Without any expectation.  Without any timetable for reconnection.  Without ‘you must say and do’ list. Not now, anyway.  If MLCer has learned and was refined by the fire of crisis, and if he loves and wants to be with LBS, he will do those things eventually, of his own volition, IMHO.

I think you are right that he is still quite broken.  I remember my H being totally spent and vulnerable as he was attempting to reestablish some sort of connection with me and the kids. He was without skin, metaphorically speaking.  It’s going to take your H time to heal.  I hope he has started that process already. 

If I were you (and I sense how similar your H is to mine...), let him come closer to you at his own tortoise s-l-o-w tempo because that’s all he is capable of right now.  And because you are strong enough and can afford to be gracious toward him.

(((((HUGS)))))
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H never left home.

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#27: December 23, 2020, 05:14:34 PM
KIT -
I am so happy that H has been there for your son.
I hope that he continues to come closer to you and that his actions (and eventually words) will show you his heart.
You've been amazing in your stand and you have been an awesome mom to your son.
You have so much to be proud of yourself for, and your grace and unconditional love shows through to your husband.
Time is still your friend.
Enjoy this holiday of small steps!
I'm living vicariously...

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#28: December 26, 2020, 09:50:09 PM
Kit
  I love to hear other people's good news, about touch and gos,reconnects or whichever. I thought at one time that I would be one of those stories 🤔.  Lol guess not but I'm ok with that and can be happy for others now.

  Lord knows I'm not athletic and can't even throw a Frisbee so hats off to you for even trying ,and improving 👏.  My kids would have probably said thanks mom but I want to live and no black eyes please lol.


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#29: December 28, 2020, 10:52:44 AM
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words. I am trying my best to not have expectations in any of this. But it is not easy.

I had a rough few days leading up to and including Christmas. Beginning with OW showing up at H's parent's home, grabbing his phone and running to her car to text me...from H's phone. It was only a few texts to tell me he was with her and had been seeing her the entire time. He cleared it all up and said it is over with her. But it jolted me. And was a good reminder that OW is still in H's life.

Here is how the text exchange went:

H: OK I'll be over in 20.

20 minutes later.....

H:   OW is here.

H: Sorry

Me:  OK Have fun.

H: I've still been seeing her this whole time.

Me; Ok, you 2 deserve each other.

H: I just want to be there for S14 and get along with you.

Me: I've never kept S 14 from you. You can see him whenever you want.

And then here is where he got his phone back. She erased the messages so he had no idea what she wrote.  But he did say she grabbed his phone when he told her it was over. Told me he is done with her and wants to work on us.


Then he came over for Christmas Eve. He drank a lot prior to coming over. Then told me that I was a cold person, that the only reason he would ever consider coming back would be for S14, and not for me. And that his family doesn't really love me, that they all talked sh#t about me. Super fun.  The flip flopped that I was the love of his life and he absolutely wanted to work on our marriage. Then I had to escort him to the guest bedroom to pass out.

He spent Christmas day with us. It was a good day. Ate steak and lobster (yes a common these for us). We FaceTimed family together. He also came by the day after Christmas and hung out for the day.

Anyway, I think I am still a bit gut punched from the text exchange with OW. And from some of the things he said. Although, he did retract them later on, it still impacts me.  I know he is broken. But I am broken too still, a little anyway.  I know I need to refocus and step back from the madness. B/c it is madness.  I definitely have not reacted to the crazy he's brought back. But I do internalize it. So, good for him, maybe not so much for me.

And I don't want to be a doormat. I know he is hurting. And that he wants his family back. But it's hard for me to detach when it is in my face. I know it is my journey too. That for now anyway, this is about his reconnection with S14. That is the connection that truly matters now. I need to step back and re-prioritize.

ANyway, my Peloton arrives in 2 weeks. And I have taken to eating my body weight in See's candies. LOL. I am planning a lovely New Years Eve with S14, playing games and watching movies....and eating whatever he wants. (I mean that is until the boyz invite him to a PlayStation party) But I will take what I can get. I won't invite H. He is welcome, but I think I need to stop inviting him. He knows he can see S14 anytime. I'll open a grossly expensive bottle of champs that night and toast to 2021 being the year of KIT.  I don't even know that that means. But I think it is time I figure that out.

 
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« Last Edit: December 28, 2020, 11:16:14 AM by KeepItTogether »
Me 49
H 48
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

 

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