Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story When you love what you have, you have everything you need

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11318
  • Gender: Female
And the good news, Kit, is that you don’t have to DO or decide anything at all.
Other than choose what you will allow in your life or head space at any given moment.

Like everyone else probably, and you as you say, the jury is out but all our quizzical eyebrows are (understandably) raised. Your h has sung this tune too often to listen to anything other than his consistent behaviour over a much longer period of time than a couple of months. He may not like it that you don’t put much weight on his words, but hey, that’s an inevitable life consequence of lying and not doing what you say - people tend to stop believing you  ::) Give it time, see what he has to offer as a husband, father or indeed anything else while you just get on with normal life, and then decide whether the cake is worth the (your) candle. After all, as is often the case, it has been years since he blew up the life and marriage and family life you used to have. So, truly, there’s no rush. And bc you know now that you and your son can live just fine without him or his messy dramas if that is all he has to offer  :)
  • Logged
« Last Edit: October 12, 2021, 01:11:53 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

9
  • *
  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 724
  • Gender: Female
KIT!  So good to see you update!  I will hopefully be updating soon as well.  (Got a boy getting married in 5 days, life is a little hectic) You and I have had many similarities with our clingers.  They have often talked the talk but cannot seem to walk the walk.  Actions speak louder than words. 

You have every right to keep an arms length away.  In fact I envy you for doing such a good job with this.  You don’t have to make decisions at all right now.  A few questions I would ask your H.  What is HE doing to fix HIMSELF?  In my opinion, this needs to happen before he fixes the marriage.  Is HE in therapy?  Has HE recognized what his actions have done to your family?  Like really recognized?

I have changed my situation into one of redefining instead of reconnecting  or reconciling.  We are working on a whole new marriage, the old one is gone.  My H too tried to step back into the old marriage (the old one worked well for him). But he has come to realize I’ve changed and changed in a big way.  We are redefining what our new roles look like. 

You sound good and strong.  You have raised your boy up with kindness and respect.  I’m so glad H is starting to realize how important it is to be part of his life.   

Take it slow and don’t sacrifice new KIT for the old relationship.  New KIT rocks!

Roo
  • Logged
Husband 55
Me 55
Kids 3 sons 29, 27, 25 1 daughter 20
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 33 years.  Together 35
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.

C
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 687
  • Gender: Female
Kit, so good to read you again! You seem to be in a very good place, particularly given the upheaval in your world. You are taking it all in stride, not numb to the feelings but also not controlled by them.
  • Logged

A
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3556
  • Gender: Female
KIT, good to read your update! 

I’m sure you have read a million times by now that the wayward spouse needs to prove himself with consistent and persistent actions over a long period of time in order to restore trust.  Verbal expressions, including his good intentions, would only blossom into something meaningful when he follows up with action, and that, I’d say, is the real proof of his gaining some clarity.  Words of clarity are just cotton candy — a lot of air, not much content; here one moment, gone the next. 

In my view, when MLCer is truly serious about connecting with LBS, they focus on DOING, rather than talking. 

May you continue to stay detached and clear-eyed. 
  • Logged
« Last Edit: October 12, 2021, 02:41:47 PM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD. 
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

H never left home.

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 868
  • Gender: Male
Thanks for the update KIT. I don't have anything to say that someone hasn't already said better. But you sound great. Cheers from a fellow member of the Class of 2016!
  • Logged
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27. Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA  |  BD #2: 2018 - FA

W moved out - June 2019 | OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019 | Divorce final - September 2019 | Moving on

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

New Here? Read this! http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1149.0

K
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 5637
  • Gender: Female
Thank you all for your kind words and support.

H was 5 minutes late this am. And as it is a game day, S15 needed to be in button down and tie. Now, I've been tying the tie via YouTube this whole year. And no, I am still not great at it. S15 and I practice, but as we only do it once a week, we are slow and forgetful. Anyway, foolish me didn't prep early this time (even though I am up at 4:30 am to get to my OrangeTheory class), so I was frantically looking on YouTube to get S15 ready when H didn't show on time. When he finally did, he tied the tie in a half second. But I told him he's an a$$ and that I should never have counted on him. Harsh? Probably. I am not a morning person.  But also, 5 minutes is critical in the morning rush. And I communicated this to him.  But honestly, I just won't make the mistake of trusting he will be where he says at that time he says again.

He knew I was mad and apologized but it doesn't matter. His "sorrys" mean nothing to me anymore. I've been so happy that I actually had a co-parent for some things that freed up some time for me, that I give him way too much credit b/c he still falls far short as a responsible adult and father.  Maybe I am being over dramatic.

MILs Bday is this weekend. I reached out to tell her we (S15 and I ) wanted to take her to dinner and she accepted. H will be there as well. Just like old times. Oh wait, I forgot, the old times were absolutely miserable. LOL. Well, it is a whole new KIT now. I no longer thirst for her approval or love. Nor do I take personal responsibility for H's horrific behavior towards her. S15 and I will eat our popcorn and watch the show. Nod and smile.

Oh wait, I do have some positive things to say about H. I asked that he speak to the FB coach about S15 play-time. Doesn't get a lot. First year ever playing and already a small kid. But I thought H could speak to coach to see what S15 could do to get in there. He fought it for a long time and didn't want to b/c he kept saying he wouldn't put S15 in either due to size . And as a coach you always put in the best players. This is Freshman football not the Super Bowl.  ::) But finally he did talk to the coach last night. H is extremely non-confrontational. Anyway, FB Coach says S15 is really good and fast, but just needs some confidence.  Hoping that will get him in a couple plays at tonight's game.  In any event, I always remind him that he is still needed on the team no matter whether he plays or not. Humility is good for this kid since he's a starter and captain for lacrosse.  And I know it made him happy that his dad advocated for him instead of focusing on the negative.  MIL is the most negative person ever and has always pointed out all negative qualities of all her kids. I could not imagine growing up like that. Explains a lot.

Anyway, game tonight.  Making myself enjoy the moment b/c I know these next 4 years are going to fly by.

  • Logged
Me 49
H 48
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

b
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2056
  • Gender: Female
I have just got to sat that I'm loving this new Kit, with claws 😉  You are doing a phenomenal job at handling H and giving the necessary truth darts at the appropriate moments....maybe one will finally burst his little fantasy bubble once and for all.  But, whether that happens or not, I have no doubts you will continue to hold his feet to the fire and call him out when his actions don't match his grandiose words.

I am glad that he's showing signs of wanting to advocate and step up where your S is concerned.   I think that's actually probably a way for him to slowly ease back into pursuing an R with you....if that's what you decide you want, that is.  He really needs to be in therapy to fix his issues and figure himself out, long before attempting to reconnect with those he's burned.  Quite the mess they create in their zeal to start a new life before properly addressing the one they already have.  Better buy the jumbo bag of popcorn for you and S.
  • Logged

C
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1024
  • Gender: Female
Glad things going well for you Kit.

Re the tie, my 3 had to wear them to school, and as you say mornings are always a rush. Most of the time they just loosened them and took them over their head, then back on and tighten - it worked well!

How do you find Orangetheory? I’ve been tossing up joining one around the corner from me, would love your opinion!
  • Logged
Me 47
H 51
3 adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11318
  • Gender: Female
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 362
  • Gender: Female
Good to hear from you Kit. You do sound great. I understand that feeling of having a co-parent after all the horrible fails from H. I hope he sorts his shizzle out but you sound like you're good whatever. I guess he's sensing that in you and it's having an affect but hey..go YOU!
  • Logged
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.