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Author Topic: My Story Stronger Now In Broken Places

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My Story Stronger Now In Broken Places
OP: February 10, 2021, 11:58:37 AM
Episode 14 brought to you by Joe Bonamassa's song "Stronger Now In Broken Places"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-s60xkP6kg

Previous thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11618.msg778638#new

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« Last Edit: February 10, 2021, 04:57:03 PM by FaithWalker »
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#1: February 10, 2021, 12:28:47 PM
Welcome, FW.  I love Bonamassa.
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#2: February 10, 2021, 03:07:23 PM
Tuning in to the next episode  8)

-SS
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W - 40
M - 44
Together 25 years, M 23
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

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#3: February 10, 2021, 03:19:40 PM
Joining you for this next chapter! Love the title... it’s exactly where we all hope to be.
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#4: February 10, 2021, 06:53:51 PM
Still with you, FW. 

Just caught the end of your last thread.  So MLCer is moving.......again! 

I agree with UM in that it's hard to tell what goes through (or doesn't go through) their minds regarding things like changing addresses when minor kids are involved. 

From my view in the cheap seats you do, indeed, have a right to be irritated.  Not that it will accomplish anything, but I'll validate your urge to be grouchy about it! 
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After all, tomorrow is another day.

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#5: February 10, 2021, 07:16:16 PM
Welcome aboard all.

Thanks for the validation, SB.   ;D

Yes, MLCer is moving into a rental and selling his house.  Apparently, per D, the plan is to be in a rental about a year while they build a house and then make another move into the built house.  He has told the kids that every kid will have their own bedroom there, not at the rental, but at the built house.  His kids and her kids.  I doubt that includes my S20.  Keep in mind that the youngest of the kids between his and hers is S15.  D18 is the next youngest.  Why on earth (??) would they need a bedroom for every kid when the youngest will be S15 who will be S16 next month which means he would be S17 by the time they have the house built.  Okay then.  ???

Her D19 (D20?) is moving in with them in the rental house temporarily.  She has 2 D's really close in age.  I think they are 19 and 20, or 20 and 21, something like that.
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#6: February 11, 2021, 01:34:07 AM
Following along...
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
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BD#1 - August 2015
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#7: February 11, 2021, 08:22:43 AM
Faith -
The title of your thread caught me because as a broken bone heals, it forms a callous around the break to strengthen it.  That was immediately what came to my mind...
Sad that your H is moving again.  IDK why every child would need their own room, unless (in his mind) he’s hoping to have one big happy family, and thinking about the holidays.  My H also moved into a 4500 SF home with his ow/now wife.  Of course, my sons stay with me when they’re in town and I only have 2 extra bedrooms (3 sons).  Your H won’t find happiness in that big house either.  Still running and searching for the panacea.

Hugs,
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#8: February 11, 2021, 04:31:43 PM
Welcome aboard UM and Sea.

I had a bad dream last night that involved ex H.  In my dream, his new wife worked for a company I used to work for and was snooping through my file.  Just for fun, we had done some sort of little exercise about the "future" and the company had us fill out a where we will be in 5 years sort of thing.  I had filled out this paper years prior to meeting H and marrying him, but it was dated for the future, so it looked suspect.  It had someone else's name as my husband (as it was just for fun, and was probably my crush at the time or whatever).  She triumphantly shows this to my ex husband.

So in the dream, my ex-husband drops by to confront me about this paper that his wife had found, and is just horrible to me.  I am mad that she snooped through my file, feel that I shouldn't have to explain myself over a paper I filled out WELL before we ever dated or married, and then took the opportunity to tell him how devastated I was over the fact that he divorced me and was sleeping with other people.  How he had no idea how awful that feels, how soul ripping.  He could not look me in the eye once he was no longer on the offensive and I was.

I was not able to shake the feeling of being attacked, wrongly accused, and was upset for a little while after waking up.
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"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

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#9: February 11, 2021, 05:54:34 PM
Along for the walk, Faith.

First of all, thanks for sharing the song. Somehow I had never heard it before. What a message! I was just texting my xw about some things and I had your song going through my head. Thank you.

Sorry about the dream. It's a lousy feeling to be wrongly accused.

Keep the faith!
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« Last Edit: February 11, 2021, 06:01:11 PM by PJ Ames »
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27. Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA  |  BD #2: 2018 - FA

W moved out - June 2019 | OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019 | Divorce final - September 2019 | Moving on

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

New Here? Read this! http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1149.0

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#10: February 12, 2021, 10:38:23 AM
Hoping on board... 
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Married 1998
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Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
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“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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#11: February 13, 2021, 02:16:17 PM
Thanks for coming along PJ and DF.

A couple things to write about today.

So, I finally opened ex MIL's gift.  Nothing to worry about, nothing to throw me into thoughts of my marriage, just an average gift.

D is house-sitting this weekend and the toilet wasn't working correctly.  She texted and asked if I would make the drive out to take a look at it.  I picked her up some lunch on the way and it took no time at all to get the toilet up and running.  On the way home, I thought about how she reached out to me, the amateur in matters such as these, vs MLCer, who is an expert in matters such as these.  It really does come down to the one they know they can rely on, even when we don't have all the answers, doesn't it?
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#12: February 13, 2021, 02:39:31 PM
Yes FW.  Since mlc, my kids have relied on me more even for things that my W used to do.  It’s been interesting and my W is starting to do more since moving out.  She at least is focused more on the kids which is good thing although she still is not speaking with me.

I am detaching and leaving it to God.  Wish you the best as you continue to take care of yourself and be their for your kids.
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#13: February 13, 2021, 09:36:42 PM
Thanks HF.  I'm glad your kids have you!
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#14: February 13, 2021, 10:15:06 PM
Ick.  MLCers everywhere.

I had one blowing up my messenger tonight.  Seriously not sure what sort of response he expected.  I'm trying to handle it smartly, as he is a neighbor and knows where I live.  I am feeling extremely uncomfortable now.

I am going over my conversation feeling like I did something to welcome this.  But I know I didn't.  I was responding about professional things in a professional manner, and then he just threw an invitation out there that crossed the line.  And then apologized and backtracked when I shut him down, and then invited me to Church with him.   :o

This has happened to me before.  The teacher I used to work with, her husband was the one that time.  And I shut him down, and he backtracked too, and I never knew how to bring up such an uncomfortable thing to her, so I just didn't say anything to her or to my husband.  So I just ignored it and it went away.  I felt like she would hate me for saying something but would hate me for not saying something if she ever found out, and it just puts me in a lose/lose situation, even though I did not ask for this situation to begin with.

And now this one, his wife is out of town right now.  I have gone to lunch with her, and do things with her on a professional basis. 

I feel sick.



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#15: February 14, 2021, 04:41:40 AM
Faith -
No reason to feel sick - it’s not about you.
You can only control what YOU do, and you did what was appropriate.
I would suspect that he was probably drinking and his loss of control got the best of him.
I would just be sure to maintain your boundaries and I don’t think it’s necessary to tell his wife (just my personal thought).

I’m sorry about your dream about your xH. 
I had one the other night that also threw me a bit, but try to think about it and what it could mean, if anything. 
I suspect it’s a lot about ow impinging on our being (work) and their crazy thoughts and beliefs that have not substance.  It’s a lot of justification for their wrongdoings, just like the MLCer does. 

And yes, I agree that our kids rely on us more than they do our MLCer because they can’t depend on them.

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#16: February 14, 2021, 05:24:09 AM
The ick is understandable, but please don't take responsibility for other people's thoughts or actions bc that is very unfair to yourself. This chap said some thing he should not, you shut him down, he apologised and backtracked. You may decide that it/he is ick enough to pull back from whatever friendship you have with him....or them....and that's ok too. Not your circus truly.
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Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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#17: February 14, 2021, 06:31:35 AM
I am sorry this happened to you.  I don’t have a lot respect for spouses that stray in marriage.  Your commitment to your vows while standing is what matters.  Maybe someday God will put someone in your life with that same commitment and focus on God. 

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#18: February 14, 2021, 07:38:39 AM
Hello,

Yuck, and the thing is that you did nothing to receive this attention.  Last year, my wife had to deal with a jerk at work. Fortunately, he crossed too many lines with all the ladies and ended up dismissed. He was one of those guys that thought he was all of that and a bag of chips. Wrong.

Even with MeToo and other movements, some people just don't get the message do they?

I am just happy you maintained your boundaries. After having gone through the betrayal of my ex's affair, I would never do that to another person.

I hope you have an amazing day,

((((Ready)))
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#19: February 14, 2021, 11:53:51 AM
Yes, Sea, he was drinking.

Thank you all for the responses. 

I likely will pull back from interaction for a while.  Maybe put into place a strict policy of not answering married men (except family) in messenger.  Whatever they need to say to me can be done in public on my business page or theirs.

I do have a policy that if a married man friends me, I will not respond unless I am friends with his wife also.

I posted this the day after the divorce and might need to throw up the reminder again, maybe wait until the day of and share it as a memory.

Quote
Dear married men on my friend's list.  I'm glad we've been friends.  I respect you, and I want to honor your wives.  Now that I am no longer married in the eyes of the world, I never want to be that person that makes your wife feel pain over our relationship.  I will take precautions to never be alone with you or put us in a position for speculation.  At this time, feel free to delete me to protect your relationship with your wife.  I will understand.  If you don't want to do that, you value my friendship and I am not friends with your wife, please have her friend me and direct her to this post.
 I would love to get to know her.  I never want to be in a position to cause someone to stumble.
 If you are a wife who is already friends with me and your husband is as well and you are okay with the situation, then no action needs to be taken.  Your husband has touched my life in a wonderful way.  I value the married men and their opinions on my Facebook.  Thank you for your trust.

In response to that, I did have several men have their wives friend me, and I've gotten to know their wives well.  I would never want to betray that trust.  And like you, Ready, having been made to feel that way by a inappropriate relationship in my H's life while we were still married, I would not want to be that person.  I do not want to be the other woman.  Ever.

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#20: February 21, 2021, 11:16:56 AM
The weekends go by so fast.  Here we are approaching another work week and I feel like I am not able to get all accomplished that I want to, or the rest that I also want as well.  That is the biggest hurdle of being a single I think.  No other adult to help lighten the load of running a household and I often feel like there is always something that gets put on the back burner for another day, another weekend, etc.

I reached out to MLCer this last week regarding taxes, as with D now 18, I wasn't sure if it would be my year to claim S or if I would claim him next year.  MLCer finally took the opportunity to get me the info on his move, as a btw on the conversation, so that's good.

My loan officer is crunching some numbers this weekend for a possible refinance.  While I'm hoping to get a lower rate, my credit is not as good as it was when I bought the house thanks to 2020 so I am nervous that things will not work out.  I have been sharing a car with D and really need to get in my own vehicle and have had the opportunity to buy a nicer one at a really great deal from my SIL's parents, but I was hoping to roll the cost into the refinance versus going out to get an auto loan.  I am trying not to stress over the whole thing.  Definitely a goal for 2021 is to get finances straightened out again.  I've started back with what I learned in the Dave Ramsey program and maintaining a zero based monthly budget.  Someone built it into google docs and the ease of use is really great!

Thursday night S20 took me out to dinner just the two of us.  We had a good time, lots of great conversation and I love how open and honest he feels he can be with me.  He is doing very well and I am super proud of him.

I also saw my M this week and it's been a while since I've seen her.  My M's husband fell and broke his hip and then had a stroke during or just after he was in surgery, so he is in the hospital and we are very worried that this will be the beginning of the end.  I can see the toll it is taking on M as well.  I brought her some dinner Wednesday night and we spent about an hour and a half talking.  She is very worried that he won't ever make it back home.  Please be praying for him!  With the storm, his son and DIL could not make it over from the front range so it was just my M for a while, but thankfully they were able to come over this weekend finally.
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"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

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#21: February 21, 2021, 05:00:39 PM

The weekends go by so fast.  Here we are approaching another work week and I feel like I am not able to get all accomplished that I want to, or the rest that I also want as well.  That is the biggest hurdle of being a single I think.  No other adult to help lighten the load of running a household and I often feel like there is always something that gets put on the back burner for another day, another weekend, etc.

FW, I think most of us feel just like this much of the time!  I know I sure do, and my kids are adults and on their own.  You folks that do this with kids in the house are superheros! 

Thursday night S20 took me out to dinner just the two of us.  We had a good time, lots of great conversation and I love how open and honest he feels he can be with me.  He is doing very well and I am super proud of him.

Glad that you got some one on one time with your son, and that he is doing well.  I know you've shared in the past that he's had some things to work through. 

I also saw my M this week and it's been a while since I've seen her.  My M's husband fell and broke his hip and then had a stroke during or just after he was in surgery, so he is in the hospital and we are very worried that this will be the beginning of the end.  I can see the toll it is taking on M as well.  I brought her some dinner Wednesday night and we spent about an hour and a half talking.  She is very worried that he won't ever make it back home.  Please be praying for him!  With the storm, his son and DIL could not make it over from the front range so it was just my M for a while, but thankfully they were able to come over this weekend finally.

Sorry to read this.  It seems like just yesterday that they were getting married.  How long ago has that been? I'm sure she appreciates your thoughtfulness and your willingness to help. 
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#22: February 21, 2021, 08:18:38 PM
Boy do I feel you with that single parent thing. I had asked S to see if his father could take him to basketball practice one day and it was a big fat NOPE. Then S was all beside himself over it - don’t know why I even bothered. More trouble than it was worth in the end.

Sorry to hear about your M’s husband. I will keep you and your family in prayer. 
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Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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#23: February 23, 2021, 06:02:25 PM
Sorry to hear that DF, definitely more trouble than it's worth most of the time, which is VERY unfortunate.  Their loss but what it does to our kids is heartbreaking.

Coming up on the 2 year anniversary of my M's marriage, SB.
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"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

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#24: February 26, 2021, 01:14:38 PM
Just catching up FW! I will be keeping your family in prayer and I am glad you were able to spend sometime with your M.

I am sorry that your boundaries were crossed with that neighbor's actions. I really like the message that you posted from FB about wives/husbands. That is a boundary that is crossed all the time. I hear in chat around me "oh I'm just friends with him/her on FB". It's not a big deal... we chat... blah blah blah, and then they divulge all the inappropriate conversations...but of course it's all done in humor, so it's ok. Ummm no, not in my eyes.  I like your rule!!

Also praying for your financials to work out!

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
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 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

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#25: February 27, 2021, 07:12:09 AM
Faith -
I am so sorry to hear about your mother's husband's injury and stroke.
That can be so stressful and I'm glad that other family members were able to come and be present.

I also love your FB post; it's transparent and honest.

Saying prayers for your family.

Sea
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#26: March 01, 2021, 10:11:41 PM
Thank you for the prayers FN and Sea.  Hopefully he gets to come home to my M in about a week, with a nurse coming to the house to do care.  He has been doing lots of physical therapy for his hip.

Thankfully have heard no more from the neighbor.  I bet he was sheepish once he sobered up.

I don't think a refi is going to be an option at this point so I am looking at alternatives, as I really do need a reliable car.  So frustrating to feel like you are constantly swimming uphill, meanwhile MLCer does not seem to be slapped with any struggles.  Sold his house, renting for a year while they build, running for office, started his own business.  And someone has put out his running for office yard signs on the house on the corner that I have to drive by every day, so every day when I drive home for lunch I get hit with the visuals of his name blaring right in my vision, as a lovely reminder of MLCer, so even if I wanted to put him out of my mind, I cannot.  I can't wait until this election is over so that those yard signs go away.   >:(

In other news, I finally got the first vaccine on Friday night.  And then had a relative of a relative say that they can't make her get it and she will be running for the hills if they try and that she believes "they" are going to just flip a switch one day and those of us with it will just keel over and die.   :-\

Alrighty then.  Well if that is the case, I wouldn't want to be on this earth anyway and will be glad that I'm gone I think.

Well, that was a lot of negatives up there, so let me throw in some positives.  We had a lovely dinner at S20's house last Thursday.  We so enjoy our time together.  We will get together again next Wednesday or Thursday.

Work is going well.  I like my team and can forget about my problems at work.  I smile, I'm upbeat, and leave it all behind when I focus on what needs to be done at work.  I get my 10 year pin in April, they are talking about options for a ceremony to celebrate the milestones, but it will depend on our county level of Covid but they will do something to celebrate, even if it can't be in person.  With 10 years comes 4 weeks of paid vacation instead of 3, so that will start in July with the new "year" I believe.  So far I just have one week planned but will be thinking about other inexpensive things to do with my other weeks if I take them.  Some can roll over, but not all of it.

The weather has been getting better.  Lots of sunny days, even if a bit brisk.  I'm trying to get out in the sunshine more and get my daily dose of vitamin D.  If the weather is nice this weekend I plan on getting out for a hike with my SIL and we might go practice shooting our pistols at the gun range.
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#27: March 02, 2021, 10:14:01 AM
Oh to be outside again!!  I am so looking forward to Spring and getting out for walks and gardening. I hope the weather cooperates for you this weekend.

Congrats on 10 years coming up.  What a wonderful milestone to be celebrating!!

As for the anti-vaxers, I suppose they are entitled to their opinion. The things people say and believe these days are just bizzare.   

Really sorry about the election signs. That would certainly bug me. Hoping for a speedy election and the signs to come down quickly.       
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#28: March 03, 2021, 12:50:19 AM
As for the anti-vaxers, I suppose they are entitled to their opinion. The things people say and believe these days are just bizarre.   

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#29: March 04, 2021, 06:54:45 PM
I have been driving by the election signs lately and paying them no heed.  I did share with my BFF my struggles with them.  She said that she and her H were in the car the other day talking about the election and who they would vote for.  Her H quietly said "I will not vote for (insert MLCer's name).

I don't give much stock in urban dictionary and a lot of it can be really offensive, but as a joke a friend told me to look up the meanings of my name and MLCers name.  It was entertaining to say the least and gave me a bit of a boost. 

Quote
A girl that everyone has in their group.  She's not really noticeable, not really tall, but is probably the most beautiful creature you could see in your life.  Just like a unicorn.  Or maybe even better.  She's really cute.  Just a look at her will make you fall in love with her.  She's really weird, funny, hyperactive, and so insanely attractive.  You'd dream to be her friend if you ever saw her.

Quote
Perfection.  A woman who will amaze you around every turn.  Every word she says will make your knees weak and your heart flutter.  You will have many restless nights not being able to get her off your mind, but she's so awesome you won't mind.  She will care for you with all of her heart and listen to every word you say.  If you can win her heart, you'll be the luckiest guy in the world.

Quote
FW's have annoyingly perfect figures but never seem to see it, and sometimes they are so quick witted you'll find nothing to say.  Although quite often, FW's are really awkward and quite shy, once you get to know them you discover who they are.  Never deliberately looks for an argument, and will voice her opinions when asked.  FW's are ridiculously clever, and usually are amazing artists or musicians, but don't realize it.  They are really modest people and no matter how you compliment them, they find a way to deter it.  FW's are not normally slags, and when it comes to boys, they may have a tendency to wait for the potential candidates to come to them.  FW's are not outspoken or overconfident, and are often misunderstood by the people who cannot be bothered to get to know them.  FW's are the people who will be easily misjudged by people around them, and often a FW is too forgetful for her own good.  A FW will always dress well, and somehow finds a way to show off her skinny figure without even trying.  FW's tend to be nervous people, and math is never a strong point for them.  They worry about what others think, and often give up too easily because they feel they are not good enough.  At the end of the day, all FW's need a hug, and if you get to know them, you will fall in love with them.

Quote
FW; the girl you can't find fault with.  Generally a lovely girl, with a brilliant sense of humor and very popular with everyone!  You don't want to get on the wrong side of her though, because her feisty and witty comments could burn anyone to the ground!  Very loyal friend, who would do anything for anyone who is worth it.  Usually very confident and independent, but not arrogant, and talented at many things.  Although sometimes she can be very quiet, timid and shy.  Doesn't easily love a boy, likes the chase and playing hard to get.  But if you're the right boy, will give in and commit 100% to you.  You just have to know how to treat her right.

Quote
A rare unique name.  You don't find FW's very often, they are very gentle and can often be the best in bed.  Always good looking, they love nature and respect the earth.  A FW is commonly a girl whose been hurt and this is because she was faced with hardships in her past or perhaps her childhood and can be misunderstood.  And if a FW is still in a stage of hardships, all I can say is simply be there for her, she's a strong girl and is only growing stronger, but even the strongest people break down.  Everyone needs someone to lean on, you should be that one for her.  She's got the kindest most powerful heart ever, but unfortunately some FW's hold a lot of hurt in their hearts, and take more time then other girls to learn how to use their hearts.  But she's such a sweet beauty and knows how to make you smile, just by being herself, your heart jumps out to her.  One day she will become an extremely courageous woman that can do wonderous things.  Never doubt her.

So silly but fun.

MLCers first two were nice but they were also written by guys with the same name so I don't think that should count.    ::)

The 3rd definition would maybe describe MLCer pre-MLC lol
Quote
The nicest person in the word, wicked funny, great hair, the freaking amazingest person in the world.  If you ever see a (insert MLCers name) in your life, you're very lucky.

The 4th one down starts out nice but then ends in
Quote
unless they find you annoying, in which case, they will ruin your life.

The 6th one was the one that had me giggling.
Quote
The most ugly, vile, repulsive, appalling, awful, bad-looking, beastly, deformed, disfigured, foul, frightful, grisly, grotesque, hard-featured, hideous, horrid, ill-favored, loathsome, misshapen, monstrous, not much to look at, plain, repelling, repugnant, revolting, unbeautiful, uncomely, uninviting, unlovely, unprepossessing, unseemly, unsightly, abject, abominable, cheap, coarse, common, contemptible, corrupt, depraved, despicable, disgraceful, dishonorable, disreputable, foul, groveling, humble, ignoble, immoral, indelicate, loathsome, lowly, mean, menial, offensive, paltry, pitiful, plebian, poor, scandalous, servile, shameful, shoddy, sleazy, sordid, sorry, squalid, trashy, ugly (again), unworthy, vile (again), worthless, wretched, awful, beastly (again), dirty, disagreeable, fierce, filthy, foul, gross, grubby, hellish, horrible, horrid, icky, impure, loathsome (again), lousy, malodorous, mephitic, murderous, nauseating, noisome, noxious, objectionable, obnoxious, obscene, odious, ornery, outrageous, poison, polluted, repellant, repugnant (again), repulsive (again), revolting (again), rough, sickening, soiled, squalid, stinking, tough, unappetizing, unclean, uncleanly, ungodly, unholy, unpleasant, vile (again again), vulgar human being to ever crawl out of the sewers.

I snorted when I read that one, which means that maybe the definition of me being the nicest gal in the world is not true lol.

But the bottom line is that he has really hurt me.  Not only with BD but with his choices beyond BD.  I continue to seek a level of detachment that I just cannot seem to find.  Always doing the two steps forward one step back dance over here and some days not feeling so strong in broken places.

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#30: March 04, 2021, 07:04:22 PM
FW - some of those are pretty funny.
I haven't even heard that you can do that!

I like the last one about MLCer...
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#31: March 12, 2021, 09:51:55 PM
It's supposed to snow here overnight.  A FAR cry from the 69 degree weather last weekend.  It was windy Saturday and was hoping to plan a hike but with the wind it wasn't going to be very fun.  I hate the wind.  But, my B looked up the wind factor and we found that one of the outdoor shooting ranges had 0 wind so we drove up there and B and SIL and I did some target practice with pistols.  I was supposed to go to a seminar Friday night and Saturday all day but I felt like if I did not get out in the fresh air, I was not going to survive.  I begged off the seminar and got my tushy out doors and it was really great!  0 regrets, as this seminar could be watched online later.

Anyway, not looking forward to snow tomorrow, but that's the way the weather is in this State, you just never know day to day.

The work week this week drug on, but some positive things happened.  We all hung out with S20 Wednesday night and enjoyed each other's company.  S20 made Pesto Cheeseburgers and they were delicious.

I got approved for financing on the car and will be able to own it by the end of the month hopefully.  It will be a relief to get that done and have a reliable vehicle again.
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#32: March 13, 2021, 05:15:44 PM
FW with pistols!!!  8)

Dangerous!!!  ;)

Sounds like you're having a great time, minus the cold weather of course.

-SS
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#33: March 14, 2021, 08:04:41 AM
Hello,

I know you are near Denver. Are you in the mountains or out on the plains? I grew up in Pagosa Springs and I remember we got a lot of snow. A lot of snow.

Stay warm and glad you got the vehicle refinanced.

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#34: March 14, 2021, 09:01:29 AM

I grew up in Pagosa Springs and I remember we got a lot of snow. A lot of snow.



(((((Ready))))

I LOVE Pagosa Springs.

Have/had a place outside of Durango in Hesperus.
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« Last Edit: March 14, 2021, 09:39:31 AM by Kimber »
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#35: March 14, 2021, 09:11:47 AM
Hello,

Quote
I LOVE Pagosa Springs.

Had/had a place outside of Durango in Hesperus.

When I grew up, Durango was the big city.  They had a McDonalds and a movie theater with not one, but two screens!!

Nice to make another connection.

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#36: March 14, 2021, 02:43:32 PM
I'm on the Western slope, so mainly snow in the mountains nearby.  Two directions are snow and mountains and the other two directions are desert and red rock monoliths resembling Utah's plains.  We didn't get any snow, just rain and cold.

Still, definitely glad to be inside for now.

Hoping for nicer weather Spring Break week.  I have a 5 day workweek, then a 3 day weekend, then a 2 day work week and a 4 day weekend.  S15 will be gone, but I definitely need a break from work.  The first weekend might not be so great as I get second vaccine on Friday night.

Also hoping that the election will be over soon.  It's infiltrating my world.  A friend of mine shared a post by a lady that I don't think very highly of, even though she thinks she's God's gift.  She had tagged several members running in the election including xH (thankfully his name showed up in black since I have him blocked).  She went on and on that these are the men we should be voting.  The role models that stand for freedom and FAMILY VALUES.  I really wanted to share my truth as no one really knows he was having an emotional (and possibly physical) affair with a member of politics and if those not in favor of his election were to learn, they would be sharks after blood.

But that's not me.  So I stay silent and hope that eventually the truth is revealed in a manner that does not involve me.  I don't want to be part of the spotlight and I don't want to be the person that is bitter and has to tear others down.

But I really am sick and tired of seeing the election.  I want it to be over soon so that the yard signs and the Facebook posts become much less in my face.

But I want to scream from the rooftops "People!  How can a man who was so selfish, and chose himself over his wife and kids be the best choice to lead this City?  He will not put his office first.  When it comes down to it, he will choose what's best for himself."
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#37: March 15, 2021, 02:39:13 PM
Congrats on the vehicle refi.  Good to get those things sorted.

But ugh on the continuing election drama with xH. Men of freedom and family values... oh please!  Freedom maybe.  :P

Keep your eyes focused on spring. Better days are coming. 
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BD March, 2016
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H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

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#38: March 21, 2021, 04:18:27 PM
MLCers newspaper interview had me gagging.  Talking about family values and how's he's been "raising his family" here for x amount of years.  Wow.  He is either really clueless or really confident that no one knows the truth.  10, 13 and 15.  That's how old my kids were at BD.  And before that, he was not very involved in the child-rearing going on.  Now they are almost 16, 19 and 21.  His campaign is built on lies.  He has no idea what it has taken to raise these kids.  No idea at all.  His relationship with them is superficial.  So superficial.  And if he's talking about his "new" family that's also a bunch of bunk, seeing as how they dated for 8 weeks before marriage last year, haven't even been married a year, and the two daughters are adults.  I wonder if the rush for him to get married had anything to do with the campaign.

What family have you raised, MLCer?  I was so mad reading that thing, I just wanted to spit.

Not a single one of his kids were at his public event last Saturday.  You would think someone would start to wonder and ask questions and dig into the past.  But maybe it doesn't matter to them.  My friends are so sweet and tell me all the time that they aren't voting for him.  My D and I got our ballots the other day.  My D can vote however she wants.  I cannot vote for him.  I do not think someone who chose himself over his family can put the needs of this community first either.  I hope something changes some day, but right now, I cannot vote for him.  This election needs to be over soon.  Regardless of the outcome, I need some peace from this campaign.  It would be better for my peace of mind that he doesn't win, but at least the signs need to come down so that I'm not seeing them everywhere I drive.  I have never wanted to run away from this town more than in the past few months.

In other news, I got my 2nd Pfizer vaccine Friday night.  Yesterday I was so, so sick.  Felt like I had the flu all day and all night.  Sometime in the early morning hours something changed and today was back to normal.  I'm glad that is done.  I have tomorrow off, so at least my whole weekend is not completely lost.  And then I work 2 days and have a 4 day weekend.  I definitely needed a bit of time off work.

S is with MLCer for Spring Break.  xMIL and xSIL posted pictures of S with a birthday cake for his 16 (he will be 16 on Wednesday).  Looks like they had a party at xSIL's house over the weekend.  xMIL had invited D for breakfast yesterday morning, but D told her that she would be sleeping.  xMIL then invited D for lunch and later when I asked D about it, she said that she just didn't answer to the 2nd invitation.  It's not like D to completely blow them off, but it is what it is.

We will celebrate S next weekend with several things planned.
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#39: March 21, 2021, 05:32:43 PM
I am sorry FW.  I can't imagine dealing with my MLC running for a public election.   I had my own challenges this weekend as I dealt with my own MLC W not being the parent that she needs to be and in-laws continuing to enable her.  It definitely can be frustrating.

I've just made the decision to focus on my own integrity and be the best parent that God designed me to be.   You obviously have done a tremendous job raising your kids.   Hope this election ends soon and the signs come down shortly after to bring you some peace.

HF
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« Last Edit: March 21, 2021, 06:42:53 PM by HeavenlyFocus »
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Re: Stronger Now In Broken Places
#40: March 21, 2021, 07:04:23 PM
That would be very tough to swallow FW, I’m sorry to read this. As always, you follow a path of dignity and grace, nothing but respect for you x
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#41: March 22, 2021, 12:37:04 AM
Tremendous respect for your self-restraint in dealing with this kind of public airing of your xh' s BS.
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#42: March 22, 2021, 03:53:23 AM
Tremendous respect for your self-restraint in dealing with this kind of public airing of your xh' s BS.

Hear hear!

I just wonder, with the amount of backbiting and mud-slinging in today's politics, that no one from the opposing candidate has contacted you....

I can imagine thogh that his Blowviation just makes you want to
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#43: March 22, 2021, 09:34:58 AM
Hello,

Wow, the joys of reading campaign messages about your MLCer.  Honesty, integrity, hope....everything he is not. But whenever is a political campaign based upon the truth?

You and I both know that this is all about his ego and not a commitment to supporting the community or anyone else.

Just focus on you and know that after the election, the signs need to come down and you can file a complaint if they don't meet the deadline.

Have an amazing day!

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#44: March 22, 2021, 10:08:21 AM
How nauseating FW. I know how frazzled I get after one incident. I can only imagine how in your face this whole thing is everyday.  Hang in there.
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Re: Stronger Now In Broken Places
#45: March 22, 2021, 12:13:04 PM
Faith, I also would be fuming if I read what he said in the article. Goes to show what our MLCers tell everyone in their world. I would have to think your H is either/most likely in total denial about the lies he tells, as in he believes them himself, otherwise he could not be so relaxed about the chance of someone finding out. Maybe he thinks he only needs to get away with it until he is elected. Actually, I would have to think that being under public scrutiny, when you know you were a completely jerk to your family and the opposite of what his voters want, has to be a bit of karma. He has to be worrying about it.
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#46: March 24, 2021, 08:34:42 PM
Thank you everyone.  Staying in my lane.  Of course, he's since gotten rid of that cell phone (that he suddenly had to keep locked for work) and with it any texts and emails and other "proof" of any affair, and I never saved the hotel bill that I found that had the room booked for 2 people. 

I was very focused on keeping any negativity out of the public eye, because I didn't want to have all that out there if we were to have reconciled, so only my close friends and family know what I have suspected about the emotional/physical affair.  He would definitely know it was me if the whole story were spilled.  It would have ruined him a big deal because the AP was another person in the same political power in a different County.

There is a blogger for the other side that would love to have her hands on any dirt, but she'd have to dig pretty hard to find it after all this time.  She does comment on the D happening while he was in a different political position and in 2019 he was elevated to this position that he hopes to maintain.  He didn't get voted in by the people back then, and the votes were deadlocked between him and the other candidate from the other members until finally one of the ones for him pushed one of the other members into changing their vote by saying that he had a "young family" and they needed his "fresh insight as a family man".  He had been divorced for 3 years at this point.  This blogger did have some choice words to say about him in 3 different articles. 

My BFF said that one of her mutual friends posted and tagged him and his covid wifey standing out on the corner with signs and how she giggled a bit because out of 800 friends for her friend and however many for him and his wife, her friends post for him only got about 4 likes.  My other friend commented on how she thinks the script on his signs looks feminine.  And they both said "we didn't vote for him"

Yeah Treasur, I'm glad to stay out of it.  I guess they figure that people will just pish posh an ex's take on things.  After all, when is an ex ever impartial, right?

Alright, enough about that, lol.  Election is just a couple weeks away, so not much longer now.

Today S15 became S16.  So hard to believe, wow.  I texted him this a.m. but will not see him until Friday.  We have made plans for Sunday to celebrate his birthday at a mountain top amusement park that is open.  Definitely giving away my location I suppose but this place is pretty sweet.  It has an alpine coaster that is so fun, a haunted mine drop that drops you 110' inside the mountain which I didn't try last time but D18 says she has, and our favorite, a giant hydraulic pendulum swing that swings you at 50 miles per hour off a cliff 1300 feet above the Colorado River.  It seats 4, 2 on each side and you can ride where it flings you face down over the canyon or face up into the air.  Both options are pretty thrilling.  In the Summer there is usually a Wild West show with cowboys and gun fire.  And there's a 4D theater for indoor options when the weather gets to be a bit too much.  There is also a restaurant with fabulous views.  The only way to get there is to ride the gondolas to the top.  They are following covid restrictions with advanced reservations, individual groups riding in the gondolas together, spacing between people in line, etc.  We were last there in 2016 for Spring Break, when we stayed overnight and had a mini vacation away from MLCer while we were still living together during the D process so it's time to go back for sure.
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#47: March 25, 2021, 10:38:22 AM
Happy birthday to your S!!  Sounds like a great time is coming your way! 
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#48: March 25, 2021, 02:45:28 PM
Hi FW! I'm a little surprised to hear that you're still so enthusiastic about being on a roller coaster!  :D

You sound like you're doing well. I'm pleased to hear it. Sorry about the election signs. Glad to see you're showing your class, as usual.
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#49: March 25, 2021, 07:45:26 PM
Hi FW! I'm a little surprised to hear that you're still so enthusiastic about being on a roller coaster!  :D

You sound like you're doing well. I'm pleased to hear it. Sorry about the election signs. Glad to see you're showing your class, as usual.

MB, good to see you.

There is only one roller coaster I will try and avoid, of course.  The rest are fair game!
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#50: March 25, 2021, 07:48:55 PM
Hi Faith! Looks like I caught you in real time today!  :)

Fair enough. Enjoy your roller coasters!
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#51: March 25, 2021, 11:08:22 PM
Happy birthday to your boy, have a wonderful day enjoying the celebration, sounds like lots of fun!
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Re: Stronger Now In Broken Places
#52: March 28, 2021, 04:28:56 AM
Happy Birthday to your boy! I'm imagining you're up at the wonderful amusement park right now. Hope you all have a fantastic day and create new, very happy memories of this place.x
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#53: March 28, 2021, 05:51:50 PM
We had a great day!  We had invited a few other people but it ended up being just the 4 of us same as in 2016.  Such a great family day.  The rides were just as intense as I remember.  I had to ride the hydraulic swing both ways just to be sure!  D18 and S20 like backwards and face down, but I really love soaring face forward out into the air arms outstretched.  S16 hates heights but he was my ride partner and a good sport.

And the mine drop too, multiple times and my first time trying it, as it was more recently built.  The vloggers said 50 or 60 feet but it's 110 feet in 2-3 seconds!  So, so intense!

And we love, love, love the alpine coaster!  Throttle all the way down of course!

We had a nice lunch in the restaurant overlooking the views.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d4ti1urNs6o
(Just a random 10 minute video vlog of the park)

If you're ever in this part of Colorado and you love thrill rides, this is the place for you!
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#54: March 28, 2021, 07:33:44 PM
I'm glad you were able to have a good experience with a roller coaster. And, of course, the lunch and all of the other rides. It's nice to feel the excitement that radiates through your post.
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#55: March 28, 2021, 10:06:33 PM
Sounds wonderful Faith, making wonderful family memories x
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#56: March 29, 2021, 05:05:53 PM
It was a beautiful day today.  Sunny and mid 70's with a light breeze.  My office was so dark and dreary I could not wait to get outside at lunch and enjoy the sunshine.  I spread a blanket on the grass and started a book my SIL passed to me in one of a stack earlier this month.  I took off my cardigan and let the sun dance on my bare shoulders and arms.  After 30 minutes of a good sun soaking, it was hard to don my mask and go back inside.  It's supposed to be nice all week and get up to 80 this weekend.   ;D

Ironically, the book I started is about a 40 y/o woman who catches her 44 y/o husband cheating with her 26 y/o assistant and then drives his $175,000 convertible into their swimming pool after he locks her out of the house.  As the story is about her journey, I have a feeling things will turn out well for her in the end.   :)

My plan is to try and spend my lunch time outside all week getting that vitamin D and improving my mood.

In other news, I am monkey braining a little bit about a co-worker.  He works in a different department, and our paths crossed during the height of covid when all but him and one other from his department had been hit with the illness or quarantined and I stepped up to help them out some.  He and I had frequent contact (safely of course so that we would remain covid free).

A few weeks ago, I noticed that he was suddenly on my list of friend suggestions on Facebook.  Generally, people who show up on that list have a) either a bunch of friends in common so Facebook suggests them, or b) creeped your profile and Facebook now suggests them after they creep your profile, lol.  Facebook doesn't generally suggest them as a friend if you have just 1 or 2 friends in common so when that happens, it's usually the latter!

So this was the case with him, just 1 or 2 friends in common.  Which got me wondering...

And now I'm seeing him around more often at work.  Was he just always there and I never noticed, or is the "walk-bys" more frequent?   ???

You see, monkey braining.   :P

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#57: March 29, 2021, 08:05:18 PM
I'm glad that you have been able to enjoy some nice weather. It snowed here this morning.

Probably nothing but it doesn't hurt to keep a close eye on those guys at work who suddenly want to be your friend. Might be a good idea to enforce Covid social distancing. If he's 10 to 15 years older than you I might really be concerned.
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#58: March 30, 2021, 01:28:20 AM
Faith,

I get "suggestions" from FakeBook all the time for people that have NO mutual friends at all and my FB Privacy settings are locked down tight so, except for the public profile part, there is nothing on my profile to creep on.   It could be that the FakeBook algorithms found that you have the same employer, live in the same general area, have some similar interests like something you both liked, etc.

As far as seeing him around more often, after you had worked more closely, it is possible that he is coming around or also possible that you are just recognizing the person because you "know" him a little bit.  I have had several similar incidents at work where people that I saw walking around the campus once in a blue moon and I'd just "acknowledge their existence," After working with them on a mission, I'd suddenly start seeing them MUCH more often on campus, although neither of us had altered our work routines - it was just that once the connection had been made, our conscious mind starts paying a bit more attention - much the same as when you meet the same person walking down the street because you have similar schedules... At first, you note that there is a person and pay absolutely no further attention, then they begin to look familiar and finally one gets to the point where if they do NOT show up "as usual," the mind sends a flag that "something is 'different' or amiss."

As Brain mentioned, it doesn't hurt to pay attention to the circumstances but, as the saying goes, "once is pure chance, twice is coincidence, third time is enemy action."<grin>
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#59: March 30, 2021, 02:14:48 AM
Is he single, Faith? Do you like him?
I think we are all left a bit hypervigilant after surviving this kind of experience tbh. The strangest things can be triggers.....recovery is about rebuilding our new normal, isn't it? And that includes remembering that the world has plenty of nice, kind, safe, good normal folks in it too.  :). A book in the sunshine sounds lovely though .  :)
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#60: March 30, 2021, 06:10:45 AM
Hi Faith,

God will bring the right man in your life when you least expect it.   Praying that your heart can be opened at the right time while God fills your heart with peace and joy today.

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#61: March 30, 2021, 10:10:27 AM
The weather has taken a cold turn here this week so I am jealous of your warmth and sunshine. Enjoy!!

As for the man, they say that third love is impossible to avoid so just keep doing your own thing.  We are not just looking for any old someone walking by.  He better be something more special than that to get your attention. 

Hope you are hanging in there for this election mess. 
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#62: April 03, 2021, 06:46:49 PM
Thank you everyone!

DF, I like what you said about 3rd love.
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#63: April 04, 2021, 05:14:43 PM
Thank you everyone!

DF, I like what you said about 3rd love.

I must agree with DF's position on the 3rd love because I think he's found me...of course right when I was about to give up and live happily ever after on my own.  And seriously, I am quite happy on my own, but Mr. 3rd Love is a whole other kind of happy and content.   He's the man I know in my heart will be my last.  So, keep the faith, Faith.  He's out there,  but the time has to be right.  God knew I still had a few lessons to learn with other past relationships since my D, but once I came to accept and love the life I'd cultivated on my own these past 5 years,  that's when real love came knocking.
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#64: April 09, 2021, 11:13:20 PM
That sounds wonderful Beyond.

S16 has 2 years after this one still for school, so I'm definitely not looking for something that will take my focus off my kids.  Lord knows, they still need one of their parents with their head on straight.  Not saying that it happens to LBS's like it seems to for MLCers.  I probably have nothing to worry about, but still, like you said, God knows when or if I will be ready for something like that.

In other news, MLCer lost the election.  One of my friends texted me the next morning to let me know.  I told her that it honestly didn't bring me any joy that he lost, especially if it disappointed my kids, but it sounds like it would maybe free up his time to spend quality time with S16 when he is there.  Yes, I had strong feelings about the way he went about representing himself to the masses, but in the end, I wasn't jumping up and down rejoicing over the loss.  I am relieved, hoping that there will be less of him in the news, but I do have a feeling that his aspirations will be to still pursue that spotlight.  External validation still seems to be a symptom.

I was able to finalize the car this week, so it is now officially mine.  That is something to rejoice over!
 I am feeling less stress overall, which is having a positive impact on my psyche.  I'm glad to be out of the hardest season of the year for me and on to warmth and sunshine.  I laugh with my co-workers a lot these days and just feel a general sense of peace and well-being.  It's supposed to be 71 degrees tomorrow and I am thinking of taking the paddle board out on the first flight of the season.  Just intend to stay aboard the SS Lotus as the water might be a tad cold still.

My jewelry biz has some personalized necklaces that you can customize and I put my word of the year onto one.  It's 4 sided, with the word of the year on the side facing outwards.  It says SURRENDER...IS A JOURNEY...FROM OUTER CHAOS...TO INNER PEACE.  I wanted to say outer turmoil but that wouldn't fit on the necklace so I went with second choice, which is good too.

I like the headspace I am in right now.  I just wish I could improve my sleep time and quality.  I am consistently getting about 6 1/2 hours and not much in way of deep sleep.  With that being said, I am off to bed.
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#65: April 11, 2021, 01:37:43 PM
Paddle boarding yesterday was a success!  The wind did come up and the spray from the water was a bit cold but I stayed standing and was smiling and laughing as I dug in deep with the paddle to keep from getting blown to the opposite shore.  First flight of the season and the winter didn't take away my balance on the board, woohoo!  I think wearing heels to work almost every day does help with that coordination as I do a lot of balancing as I squat on heels to file in the bottom filing drawers. 

And being barefoot on the board always helps with grip, also makes me feel one with the board.  Lots of leaning from one side to the other to stay aboard.  It was great!

My fitness app said I burned about 600 calories from that trek.  My shoulders, arms and back are properly sore today.
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#66: April 12, 2021, 08:59:56 AM
I'm glad that you found a way to workout that you enjoy so much. It's nice that wearing those heals helps you to improve your experience on your board. You've painted a lovely image of yourself paddling across the water. I hope this is just the first of many such experiences for you this year!
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#67: April 12, 2021, 08:13:12 PM
Thanks MB.   It's chilly and windy here this evening, looks like a bit of a cold front coming in, but that's April in Colorado for you.  It might be a week or two before I can get back out there.  But that is my goal, eventually, when it's at least 70 degrees again.
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#68: April 13, 2021, 03:58:19 PM
I also enjoyed reading about your paddle boarding, Faith. Happy for you that you got out. I tried it once and loved it but I don't live near water. I love that you have this great hobby, and burning 600 calories is worth the achey arms!
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#69: April 13, 2021, 08:04:23 PM
Paddle boarding is on my bucket list!!
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#70: April 14, 2021, 11:36:24 AM
You make paddle boarding sound like a lot of fun but I'm not a very good swimmer so I think I'm going to stick with running so that I don't have to worry about drowning. Besides, I don't ever wear heels so I'm probably not as coordinated as you are.  :)
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#71: April 14, 2021, 03:12:02 PM
Excited about the paddleboarding. I tried SUPing last summer and the experience was pretty much indistinguishable from swimming! I'm hoping to have another opportunity if it ever warms up again.

I listened to "Stronger Now In Broken Places" again the other day. What a great song!
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#72: April 15, 2021, 06:51:44 PM
I also enjoyed reading about your paddle boarding, Faith. Happy for you that you got out. I tried it once and loved it but I don't live near water. I love that you have this great hobby, and burning 600 calories is worth the achey arms!

Thanks Milly!  I hope you get the chance to do it again when you are near water!

Paddle boarding is on my bucket list!!

Yes DF!  I hope you try it soon and love it!

You make paddle boarding sound like a lot of fun but I'm not a very good swimmer so I think I'm going to stick with running so that I don't have to worry about drowning. Besides, I don't ever wear heels so I'm probably not as coordinated as you are.  :)

Too funny MB!  You're a great runner.  I am not a great runner.  I guess we'll stick to what we know!   ;D

Excited about the paddleboarding. I tried SUPing last summer and the experience was pretty much indistinguishable from swimming! I'm hoping to have another opportunity if it ever warms up again.

I listened to "Stronger Now In Broken Places" again the other day. What a great song!


Ending up in the water all the time and having to climb back on the paddleboard is rough!  Thankfully I have always had pretty good balance so even as a first timer, I didn't fall much.  The trick is anticipating the fall and dropping to your knees before you can get "bucked off".  But it really depends on the waves that are coming at ya too.  I would be toast in the ocean!

I'm glad that the song is speaking to you.  I need to listen to it again too, it's been a while!
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#73: April 15, 2021, 07:05:30 PM
Today was cold and rainy.  Also hail that looked like tiny diamonds glistening on the pavement.  Brrr.  The temperature dropped so much.  I even had to turn my heater back on for a little bit.

Awaiting the climb back to 70+ degree weather.  Should be back quickly.

Yesterday was my BFF's birthday.  I dropped S16 off early with his F after texting ahead of time to make sure that this was ok, as the party was set to start before his drop off time.  Had a lovely evening celebrating her birth.  We ended the evening with our usual game of cards.  Her sister's parting words out the door were "beat her on her birthday like our mom always used to do."  So I did just that.  She laughed and said that she would return the favor on my birthday, as I'm sure she will, because most of the time she beats me at cards anyway.

D18 just recently got back from Arizona, where she traveled for the weekend with her cousin to look at a college.  She's been a bit more independent lately, which makes me wonder if she's preparing to leave the nest and launch herself out into the world a little more.  I'm at peace with it.

S20 is getting really close to being able to move back into his house.  The roommate situation is a bit of a tangle, but hopefully they get it all figured out.  I am a silent observer.  I did text him earlier this week to remind him that today was tax day.  Then I texted him today to tell him that I was mistaken as it seems they've extended the deadline.  He responded "doing them now and I might as well get it done."  He hadn't responded to my first text so I wasn't sure if he was annoyed with me for being mothering, but when it comes to taxes, I didn't want to leave anything to chance.

S16 has been pretty chatty lately.  I love that.  He had his PSAT test yesterday and got out early, so I picked him up from school.  He chatted my ear off about things going on in his life and it was nice to be included.  Although the text to pick him up said "Yo, I'm ready to be picked up bro."  I'm not sure when bro became a nickname because I thought it meant "brother", but apparently it became a universal nickname meaning something like "homie for life".  I let his text go unchallenged but most of the time I respond "I'm not your bro."  I guess I've officially reached the age of "I don't get your teen slang"
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#74: April 15, 2021, 07:20:26 PM
Oh, and Tuesday was the 5 year date from divorce.  Would you believe that I FORGOT!?!  I was reminded of it that evening when I started going through my FB memories, but a tiny neck tilt and right shoulder shrug was all the response reading those memories elicited.  Call me floored!  And since the D date is the day before my BFF's birthday, the week is ALWAYS redeemed, even on the years I hit a low spot.
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#75: April 15, 2021, 08:46:15 PM
Too funny MB!  You're a great runner.  I am not a great runner.  I guess we'll stick to what we know!   ;D

Good idea but I hope we'll be able to continue to see paddle boarding through your eyes.

I'm not even sure what my divorce date was. It was either during July or August in 2016 or 2017. I think it was done before 2018 but it might have been 2018. I didn't pay much attention to it. I'm glad you aren't paying too much attention to yours now either.
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#76: April 16, 2021, 09:51:25 AM
I love that you forgot Faith.  I forgot about my BD date this year - although it is only a week or so before my D date which is LB's birthday. So I just lump them all together in a special date of pampering for me day.     ;D
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Stronger Now In Broken Places
#77: April 17, 2021, 07:57:38 PM
I had a bizarre dream last night.  Parts of the house was our old family home we built together and parts of it were a new home that I did not recognize.  I was still married to my MLCer, but S20 was the age he is now.  But D18 was little, like 6 or 7.  MLCer was gone traveling somewhere, but he raged on the phone to me, and somehow I knew he was in MLC and was coming up with excuses and would be BD'ing me soon.  It's like I had gone to the future and then gone back and just knew what I know now and applied it to the situation then.

S20 was upset because he had for some reason decided to tattoo his whole chest with this very hideous tattoo, and he could not take it back.  It was permanent.  I was shocked by the tattoo choice and sad for him when he realized that he could not undo it.

I came outside to get in our car (my new car that I just bought) and it was stolen, so I had to report it stolen.  So then we (S20, D6/7? not sure where S16 was) walked downtown in this city that I did not recognize.  Our neighborhood with half new house/half old house I did not recognize either.  Anyway, we crossed a street and I noticed that D was no longer with us, but I spotted her before she spotted me and the look of panic on her face when she realized she was lost was heartbreaking, but I called out to her and she immediately relaxed and waited for me to come scoop her up, which I did.  That's about the time I woke up this morning.

So I'm sure it means nothing, but just was really bizarre.
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Re: Stronger Now In Broken Places
#78: April 17, 2021, 08:09:05 PM
Might want to get the vents on your furnace and water heater checked.  :)
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Re: Stronger Now In Broken Places
#79: April 18, 2021, 12:35:11 PM
Faith, from the cheap seats as Treasur calls them, your dream seems like your life has been these years since BD. You are half in your old life and half in your new life. Your fears that your children will be lost, abandoned and traumatized for ever. Yet the image of your D waiting for you to scoop her up would seem like you being a reliable figure for her, and you knowing how just how resolve the problems. Maybe your mind needed to take a look over the situation. I would say you are the heroine of it.
 
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OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Stronger Now In Broken Places
#80: April 19, 2021, 05:50:52 PM
Our poor brains are still trying to sort out the madness after all these years.
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Re: Stronger Now In Broken Places
#81: April 24, 2021, 09:43:56 PM
Might want to get the vents on your furnace and water heater checked.  :)

Lol, does that mean my bizarre dreams are a result of carbon monoxide or something?

Faith, from the cheap seats as Treasur calls them, your dream seems like your life has been these years since BD. You are half in your old life and half in your new life. Your fears that your children will be lost, abandoned and traumatized for ever. Yet the image of your D waiting for you to scoop her up would seem like you being a reliable figure for her, and you knowing how just how resolve the problems. Maybe your mind needed to take a look over the situation. I would say you are the heroine of it.
 
Interesting, Milly.  Very interesting.

Our poor brains are still trying to sort out the madness after all these years.
Right!?!

So, drumroll... I went on a blind date today.  We met at a coffee shop and chatted for 5 hours lol.  I was trying to explain my situation because he wanted to know why it had been 5 years since I'd been divorced and I hadn't been on a date.  I am sure he's reeling from the bizarreness of it all too.  There's just no explaining to anyone who hasn't been through it.

And it looks like quite possibly another date this week with a different man.  That sounds totally crazy to even type.  I guess I am testing the waters a little bit, but in a very careful way, I promise.

I had a really great conversation with my Pastor last week, and he prayed over me, and well, I had really been struggling over some of the context in the Bible on divorce and remarriage.  And what it really meant for those of us who have been completely abandoned by our spouses.  I was having a hard time with it, because I know there are people who interpret it differently.  I had someone tell me last week on Facebook that remarriage is absolutely adultery.  Even though I never wanted the divorce, did not ask for him to divorce me and marry someone else.  Did this really mean that I had to remain alone for the remainder of my days, or at least until MLCer died?  I have had a very hard time with that. 

So I don't know if remarriage is in my future.  Time will tell I guess.  But absolutely something changed when he remarried.  I remained open to reconciliation while it was a possibility.  His remarriage does not make reconciliation a possibility for me any longer.  So, for me, I can no longer live halfway in the past and halfway in the future.  Dating feels like closing that door for good.

And, although I would like some sort of closure, and answers to my questions that I've had, I don't think I will ever get them.

S16 and D18 knew I was going on a blind date today.  After having a conversation that S16 initiated this evening while I was typing this, I think he's feeling a little weirded out by me dating.  So I am definitely going to approach this cautiously.

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Re: Stronger Now In Broken Places
#82: April 25, 2021, 04:31:13 AM
Good luck with the dating, Faith. Wouldn't be nice to meet someone nice and normal.
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Stronger Now In Broken Places
#83: April 25, 2021, 08:59:58 AM
Faith -
SUP is a great activity.  I've done it a few times.  They even have night bioluminescent paddle tours, or tours under the full moon here.  I don't enjoy SUP that much - but give me a kayak...

You sound healthy and am glad that you're opening yourself up to dating.  That doesn't commit you to anything, but you never know what God has in store for you.  At least that's what I believe.  If you trust Him...

Hugs,
Sea
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#84: April 25, 2021, 07:47:02 PM
I had to chuckle a little when you said it took 5 hours to explain your situation. I bet it did. Now I know what to expect if I should ever dip my foot into the dating pool. Haha!
I feel you on the heaviness of the scriptures. We both find ourselves in a place we did not choose trying to do the right thing. It is a lot to weigh.
In the end, think that God would want us to be happy and loved. So, I am glad that you are opening your heart to that again. 
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#85: April 26, 2021, 01:57:28 AM
FW,

<<stepping on my Soapbox>
I personally have a REALLY hard time with those (especially on FakeBook) that preach eternal fire and damnation for those that remarry, especially when the destruction of our previous M was not what we wanted nor was it initiated by us. I personally think that they are choosing to cherry-pick certain things out of the Bible and ignore other parts that do not fit their personal narrative.

I do NOT believe that God is so hard, harsh, and unforgiving that God would expect us to live out the rest of our lives alone without a meaningful and loving R with someone. I DO believe in a God that sees humanity for what we are (God's own creation that, because of the gift that God gave us of free will, imperfect) - fallible but that we try to live into Communion with God and into our personal journey with God. To presume to speak for God and condemn one for a "sin" is a sin in and of itself - that of pride.....

God created humanity in God's image - with the ability to love and to choose whom we love. When someone who we chose to love has discarded us like an old fish, I don't think that God expects or even wants us to crawl under a rick and live out the remainder of the days God has given us as lonely recluses...
<stepping off my soapbox>

I can imagine that S16 was kind of wierded out by your dating again, especially after so many years but, well, he'll get over it... I took a VERY conservative approach and kept my life with my kids totally separate from my occasional dating until I had some basic boundaries in place and they were respected. For some, that was not possible and I ended the dating quickly with said individual... It is a learning experience...
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Stronger Now In Broken Places
#86: April 26, 2021, 10:01:22 AM
Ditto what UM said. 
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#87: April 26, 2021, 08:53:18 PM
Thanks guys.  I told S that I wasn't looking to change his situation the next 2 years of High School and that I'm not looking for him a stepdad, just testing the waters and looking to see what male companionship and dating in the 40's might be like. He opened up a little about his new stepmom as he was telling me that she's into a couple of the same things he is, or at least has tried to be in to them in order to connect with him, who knows? 

That was after I explained that I had no plans for him to meet anyone that I'm dating unless it were to get serious, that I feel it would be too confusing, or what if he liked them and it didn't work out?  And I also told him that had he needed me those 5 hours I was gone, a text or a phone call from him, and bam!  I would've been home in a heartbeat.

Incidentally, my mind is blown a little bit.  So I get a National Day calendar in my inbox every day, and after taking a chance Friday night and calling about the blind date, I looked in my inbox and realized that April 23rd was National Take A Chance day lol.  And then today, I was just sitting here thinking about last year, and how I had learned a couple days before hand around this same time of year that XH was getting married, and it got me wondering when his first anniversary would be, and I remember telling my BFF that his wedding narrowly missed my SIL's birthday the 23rd and telling her how glad I was of that, as our divorce date was the day before my BFF's birthday on the 14th so it's nice there is something positive around a difficult time, so then I went back to the 2020 calendar and looked and their anniversary was the same day that I went on that date, haha.  Interesting.  You know I'm all about the signs, lol!

Male companionship prospect #2 texted last night and we set up dinner out on Thursday night.  I will meet him at the restaurant.  I have been given a vague picture of him so I should be able to pick him out.  Same friend that gave me his vague picture, gave him 3 pictures of me, so if I can't pick him out, he should be able to pick me out of a line-up.   :P

After all that, I still dreamt of XH last night.  In a way a husband and wife are together.  Only he was quick to finish if you know what I mean, I didn't finish at all and then he asked for ice cream.  So I went to the freezer for ice cream but the only kind I had was cookies and cream and it was slightly freezer burnt so he said forget it.  He was really rather quite rude.  And I was very irritated and felt extremely "unloved".  And then I woke up and was like  ??? :o >:( :o 

Sorry, that's pretty embarassing to share.   :-[
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#88: April 27, 2021, 01:35:46 AM
The dream is pretty telling in some ways....

xH being rude and irritating.... Interesting that this dream comes up at a time when you are poking your head out of the turtle shell...

As for the "other" part, one last hurrah for xH before he falls down the rabbit hole, perhaps? Or before the door that he shut is bricked up on your side of the frame?

Who knows? Blame it on the full super moon last night...

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Stronger Now In Broken Places
#89: April 27, 2021, 06:00:50 AM
Hi FW,

I was your son’s age when my parents divorced and both remarried.  When my Mom started dating again, all I wanted for her is to be happy and she found an amazing guy who is a great Step father.

Looks like you are handling things great so far.  Have fun on your date this week.

HF


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Re: Stronger Now In Broken Places
#90: April 27, 2021, 12:25:28 PM
Hi Faith.

I'm going to avoid discussing your dream other than to say that you're very brave to share that.  :)

I was totally convinced my wife would eventually come back around and maybe she still will but it's been almost 7 years and my family and I haven't seen any sign of the woman I used to be married to.

I started getting tired of always being alone and started thinking about dating. I was even looking on a dating site which was such a bad experience that I almost changed my mind about dating. Then I ran into a woman a couple of months ago who I worked with 46 years ago in my parent's restaurant. We didn't date or anything back then. I was only 16 and she was a couple years older than me and already married but we worked a lot of shifts together and we always joked around a lot and had a lot of fun.

Over the years our lives have taken parallel paths with both of us working in the same places at the same time, and even though we didn't have a lot of contact, we know a lot of the same people and we did bump into each other a few times over the years while both of us were married. When my wife left it felt like I lost my history and when I talk with my new friend it feels like I've gotten a lot of it back. I can't tell you how much that means to me.

She lost her husband last year to lung cancer after caring for him for 18 months and she was lonely so we got together just to catch up. It turned out that the chemistry that seemed to us exist 46 years ago is still there and we have been seeing a lot of each other. She is out of town this weekend visiting her late husband's daughter and planning a memorial for him this summer.

She's been afraid to let anyone in her family know that she's been seeing me because she's afraid she'll be criticized for not waiting long enough after her husband's death but yesterday she told her stepdaughter that she and I are in a relationship. She was relieved to find that her stepdaughter accepted it, although her stepdaughter did mention she was concerned it might be a rebound relationship. We were also concerned about that, had already discussed it, and decided we don't think so, so we continued to develop out relationship. When she gets back home tomorrow she's going to tell the rest of her family that she's in a new relationship.

I have to tell you that I'm very happy. I haven't felt this good in a long time. I'm afraid that right now I'm deeply into the stage where the brain chemicals fire up and turn your brain to mush (so is she), and that's a bit annoying, but we both know that it will eventually pass.

I am telling you this in order to let you know that I held out for a long time but now I am glad that I am moving forward. It was time. I think my new friend and I may end up with a relationship that is much better than the relationship I had with my former wife. We seem to be able to communicate much better, no doubt helped by all that I learned about relationships after my former wife left me, and my new friend is very interested in learning how to have a great relationship. I told her about the book The Five Love Languages and she devoured the book. We were both pleased to learn independently that the primary love language for both of us is spending quality time together. I'm very excited right now because we're making plans to spend the whole day together Thursday after she gets back, out in the open with no fears about her family finding out that she is seeing somebody.

I sympathize with you and your situation with your son. My granddaughter lives with me and will be moving back home in less than 2 weeks. She's going to find things are a lot different now and that I won't be around nearly as much as I used to be. She is the only one in my close family I haven't talked with yet about this.

I haven't started a new relationship in 43 years. I can tell you that it's not easy after you've been alone for a long time. But it seems like it's going to be worth it.
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#91: May 04, 2021, 04:41:03 PM
Thanks for the responses everyone.  Congrats on your new relationship MB.  I'm excited for you!

I've been a bit MIA.  My cord to my computer isn't working, so I was using my daughter's cord and she stole it back.  She's at work tonight so I stole her cord for a little while to update.  I can get on FB on my phone but only have this site saved to my computer.

Lots to update as I've been pretty busy.

Thursday was the date and we had a great time.  We got along pretty well and his story mirrors my own.  24 years into his marriage, his wife said "I'm not happy and I need to go find myself."  He realized that there wasn't anything he could do but hold onto the house and the kids and be the best Mr. Mom/Dad he could be.  That was 7 years ago.  She is remarried.  He's former Navy and her new H is also a former Navy man, and they would probably be friends if it weren't for the situation.  His son is making plans to get together with his Dad on Mother's Day so there must not be the greatest of relationships there with his mom.  Also, he is a man of faith.  That's huge for me, obviously!  There wasn't any instant charged chemistry, but I don't think that necessarily means anything, right?  We've both been hurt, and probably are a bit guarded.  I think starting with a friendship is key.

Friday I went out with some coworkers and one of my coworkers from a different department brought her hubby.  I hadn't made the connection that her hubby was one of the people running in the same political race as my former H, not against him, but alongside him.  The gems of the evening from her hubby "I've known him a long time and he's the most selfish man I know" - "I didn't know he had a wife and kids when he ran for the first office" (which was late 2014-early 2015 before BD) and my coworkers gem "I have met his new wife and she has about as much personality as a limp noodle."

As the saying goes, they weren't looking for someone better than you, they were looking for someone worse than themselves

Sunday I went to a BBQ for my female friend's son's graduation (from a training center that he did after his high school graduation).  Her daughter and daughter's bf (who is my NEW friend's son) - going to just refer to him as my NEW friend right now as that's all we are; were also in attendance, as well as myself, and NEW friend.  My female friend and NEW friend's son were (to steal the phrase from MD's posts) little velociraptors with their teasing about a relationship that hasn't even gotten off the ground yet.  I can see they are eager and really hoping that things will work out between us.  We had a good time chatting at the BBQ, when we weren't busy fending off the teasing velociraptors.

Yesterday, my NEW friend reached out and asked for date number 2.  He knows I like to hike and so he invited me to go hiking.  Normally I would not go off hiking with someone on the 2nd date.  However, my female friend who I've known for a very long time obviously knows him and his son well, so I feel comfortable going.  He will give me a call later in the week and we will figure out exact details for Saturday.  ;D

Guy #1 that I went on the blind date with was nice, but had been divorced for 11 years and had 2 serious relationships (lasting 2-3 years) in between.  Said he was not interested in ever remarrying.  He left his wife.  Said he stopped loving her, lost respect for her, etc.  When I asked if he would be interested in learning to paddle board or go out to a live concert outside this Summer he wasn't really interested.  Said he likes going to the movies.  He left the ball in my court and expected me to reach out to him if I was interested in a 2nd date.
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#92: May 05, 2021, 03:09:06 AM
Ooooo.... Someone else I can tease now.....



 ;D
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#93: May 05, 2021, 11:55:37 AM
Fantastic update, Faith....and I am more than a little biased, but Navy men are the best.  I've been with mine a few months now, and it's hands down the best relationship I've ever had.  I wish I'd met him 25 years ago and passed xh by completely.
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#94: May 06, 2021, 02:51:19 AM
I was in the Navy for 10 years.... I was on the ship when this picture was taken

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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#95: May 06, 2021, 05:59:15 PM
BB and FW - send a single Navy man my way!!   ;)

FW - are you counting down the days?  I know I sure am.  What a whacked and crazy year it's been. 
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#96: May 06, 2021, 08:34:40 PM
I was in the Navy for 10 years.... I was on the ship when this picture was taken

What ship is that UM?

Navy man sailed on the USS Missouri before it was retired.  I have toured it when in Hawaii on my 10th anniversary.  Standing there on that deck, not knowing the future, I would never have guessed I would be going on dates with someone who actually sailed on it.

Fantastic update, Faith....and I am more than a little biased, but Navy men are the best.  I've been with mine a few months now, and it's hands down the best relationship I've ever had.  I wish I'd met him 25 years ago and passed xh by completely.

My BFF is married to a Navy man also, if they ever meet, I'm sure they'll have lots to talk about and I imagine would get along pretty well.

I have some beautiful kids that of course I can't wish that, but I totally understand where you're coming from!

BB and FW - send a single Navy man my way!!   ;)

FW - are you counting down the days?  I know I sure am.  What a whacked and crazy year it's been. 

I will see what I can do, SB.   ;D

I bet you ARE counting down the days.  I haven't really been counting down the days, now that I'm in admin, I work year-round.  But there is some talk that once school is out, we at admin might not have to wear masks all day.  We are behind a plexi-glass window and the majority of us have been vaccinated.  We are wearing masks in solidarity with the schools.
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#97: May 06, 2021, 08:40:12 PM
Today I ran into original blind date guy and he chatted me up.  Invited me out to dinner, but I had a grocery order waiting and told him so.  I was also so exhausted from my day I was definitely ready to just go home and put my feet up.

He wondered why I hadn't called him again.  I said I'd been busy.  What in the world is wrong with me?  Lol

I guess at this point they are just my friends, but playing the field feels foreign.
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Stronger Now In Broken Places
#98: May 06, 2021, 09:00:34 PM
Oh and please pray for my Mom's husband.  He fell and broke his other hip.  He's just out of surgery today and will be in the hospital for a bit before going to a rehab center for a while.
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#99: May 07, 2021, 03:15:21 AM
I was in the Navy for 10 years.... I was on the ship when this picture was taken

What ship is that UM?

Navy man sailed on the USS Missouri before it was retired.  I have toured it when in Hawaii on my 10th anniversary.  Standing there on that deck, not knowing the future, I would never have guessed I would be going on dates with someone who actually sailed on it.

OK, just another case to show how small the world REALLY is... The ship in that picture is the USS Iowa (BB-61)... She was the lead ship in the class that includes the USS New Jersey (BB-62), the USS Missouri (BB-63), and the USS Wisconsin (BB-64). I served aboard from 1983 - 1987. I was trasnferred to Washington DC a few months before the accident in Turret #2
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« Last Edit: May 10, 2021, 01:11:11 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Stronger Now In Broken Places
#100: May 07, 2021, 04:08:05 PM
Sorry to hear about your Mom's H.  I pray that his recovery is speedy and uneventful.

I hate to say this but Guy # 1- blind date guy - well, that sounds you went on a date with my ex.  Ewwww   I would lean Navy man myself.  Just my 2 cents.

Your post gives me hope that there are some good ones left out there for me to meet.

And ladies.... the parents are counting down the days too.  27 days - 9 of them half days left.  Praying for strength and guidance to get through these last few weeks of this horrific school year with the boy.   

 

 

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#101: May 08, 2021, 08:26:26 PM
I was in the Navy for 10 years.... I was on the ship when this picture was taken

What ship is that UM?

Navy man sailed on the USS Missouri before it was retired.  I have toured it when in Hawaii on my 10th anniversary.  Standing there on that deck, not knowing the future, I would never have guessed I would be going on dates with someone who actually sailed on it.

OK, just another case to show how small the world REALLY is... The ship in that picture is the USS Iowa (BB-61)... She was the lead ship in the class that includes the USS New Jersey (BB-62), the USS Missouri (BB-63), and the USS Wisconsin (BB-64)

Wow, small world indeed!

Sorry to hear about your Mom's H.  I pray that his recovery is speedy and uneventful.

I hate to say this but Guy # 1- blind date guy - well, that sounds you went on a date with my ex.  Ewwww   I would lean Navy man myself.  Just my 2 cents.

Your post gives me hope that there are some good ones left out there for me to meet.

And ladies.... the parents are counting down the days too.  27 days - 9 of them half days left.  Praying for strength and guidance to get through these last few weeks of this horrific school year with the boy.

Perhaps you are right, DF.  And totally understand that you are over this school year!

Today I went out hiking with Navy man.  I was going to meet him there, but ended up picking up a nail in my tire, bummer.  My tire was showing low pressure, so I had stopped on my way to have it checked and they broke the bad news.  I called Navy man and he of course, said no problem, get it taken care of.  I was bummed, and the thought of sitting in a tire shop for a couple hours was NOT my idea of a fun Saturday morning.  So I asked them how long the wait was and it was over 2 hours.  So I asked him if he would mind just coming to get me and we could still get our hike on.  The guys at the tire shop said that I could come back for my car, as long as I came back before they closed at 5:00.  As it was 8:45 in the morning, that was no problem!

He came and picked me up, we went on a 3 hour hike, and then went back to his house and I made smoothies while he cooked brunch.  I met his dog and got to see how compassionate he was with her, and she got to know me a bit.  We sat on the couch and chatted for a long time and then he took me back to get my car.  It was a lovely day.  I did get a bit of sun, so tonight I am tuckered out.  I was going to go out tonight as my friend's son's band is playing at a local restaurant and he is the drummer, but I decided that I will have to go next time, and they will be playing again soon.

D left for work shortly after I came home so it's just S and I this evening.  I made sauteed asparagus, sweet potatoes, and beef tips for dinner.  S had his with some rice as well and I skipped the rice.  We saved some of everything for D to heat up when she gets home.

Tomorrow my M is meeting me here and will ride with us to Church.  We will go to her Church with her.  It's been a while since she's attended Church in person, she's been watching it online for a while now.  SD's D came to town last night from Washington and has been at the hospital all day today, giving M a break.  M will go up tomorrow afternoon/evening to see him.  SD's S arrives Tuesday from Denver.  It will be good to have his kids here for a bit.  I guess I could say SS and SB, but it just feels odd since we don't know each other well since M got married 2 years ago.
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#102: May 09, 2021, 06:57:03 PM
Your date sounds lovely minus the tire issue.
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Married 1998
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D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

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#103: May 10, 2021, 05:55:20 PM
Had to have some interaction with MLCer today as both April support payments never got deposited into my account.

Of course, knowing that he flitted off on a 1st anniversary vacation with Covidwifey to wherever they went, that was my immediate thought, that the money went to fund their vacation.  But I gave him the benefit of the doubt.  Normally, I would have been stressing about those payments not being sent on time, and by 2 days late would have been contacting him.  That money normally goes for groceries, utilities and gas.  But April 1st my tax return was deposited via the IRS into my checking account, so I hadn't really had a thorough look at my account to notice.  That normally doesn't happen but I felt like I was able to breathe a little bit this last month.

So I sent him a text just asking him to take a look at his records, as my records were showing that I hadn't received the payments.  As I was leaving for lunch he called me so I put him on speaker in the car while I drove home.  He questioned that maybe they went to a different account, like my savings versus my checking.  Nope, that didn't happen.  I did not receive them at all.  The last transaction was in March.  I confirmed twice, maybe even 3 times before I ever sent the text.  He said he would look into it when he was home this evening at a computer because trying to look into it on his phone wasn't working very well.  Half of me wants to believe him but the other half feels like I get lied to and manipulated more than I realize (by him).

Then he changed the subject and asked about S's driving.  S is behind on driving hours but on my side, it was very hard to take him driving when my vehicle was broken and then I was driving a borrowed vehicle until the borrowed vehicle became my own, which didn't happen until just recently.  Since I finally owned a drivable vehicle again, I have let S drive my new vehicle to work on his driving hours.  Somehow then the subject came up of my old vehicle and he mentioned that D or S told him that a neighbor was going to purchase it.  I said, yes, eventually, but it hasn't happened yet, so I am still paying every month for insurance on it.  Then he asks about my camper.  Had I sold it?  Was I planning on selling it?  I told him that I had a buyer in line.  He mentioned that I should be able to get twice as much for it as what we bought it for and I told him that I actually planned on selling it to a young couple with a toddler and giving it to them for what we paid for it (which he's probably lost track of time but we {and now I} have had it for probably a decade).  He pressed me a little bit as to why I wouldn't sell it to them for the higher price.  I said they were a young couple just starting out and I wanted to pay it forward after the favor had been done to me with the purchase of my recent car.  He just seemed dumbfounded by that so I finally said, "Look, it's the son of the guy I'm seeing and he's a family friend so I'm giving him a deal."  So, the cat is out of the bag, haha.

After I got off the phone I got a little bristly.  This is why I don't like to talk to him on the phone.  He has a way of pressing me where I feel I need to explain myself.  I shouldn't have to explain myself.  Ugh.  Then I always walk away feeling like I overshared, when I meant to be brief and to the point.  Bleh
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#104: May 11, 2021, 03:14:24 AM
After I got off the phone I got a little bristly.  This is why I don't like to talk to him on the phone.  He has a way of pressing me where I feel I need to explain myself.  I shouldn't have to explain myself.  Ugh.  Then I always walk away feeling like I overshared, when I meant to be brief and to the point.  Bleh

Seriously....

He no longer has the rights to that info... He gave up that right when he did the D and even more when he married COVIDwifey....

 ::) ::) ::)
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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#105: May 11, 2021, 07:48:31 PM
So I sent him a text just asking him to take a look at his records, as my records were showing that I hadn't received the payments.  As I was leaving for lunch he called me so I put him on speaker in the car while I drove home.  He questioned that maybe they went to a different account, like my savings versus my checking.  Nope, that didn't happen.  I did not receive them at all.  The last transaction was in March.  I confirmed twice, maybe even 3 times before I ever sent the text.  He said he would look into it when he was home this evening at a computer because trying to look into it on his phone wasn't working very well.  Half of me wants to believe him but the other half feels like I get lied to and manipulated more than I realize (by him).

Hi FW,

I been dealing with this same MLCer behavior after my W filed for divorce.  I often wonder the same thing if I am being lied or manipulated too or if my W is really struggling that much.   All I can do is try to handle things in a Godly manner and be an example for my kids.  I wouldn't worrry about oversharing and appreciate how you have handled things with your MLCer.

HF 
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#106: May 16, 2021, 04:25:29 PM
My oldest S has moved back into his home after rebuilding from the fire.  He is having a "house cooling party" this coming Saturday, which will be similar to his house warming party in the Fall.  This time, I did not even briefly unblock exH to see what he posted in the group invite.  I can see that there are 15 guest going and that I can only see 14 of them, so that means guest #15 will be xH.  It will be interesting, especially after my bit of news about dating, to see if he brings CovidWifey with him to the party.  In addition, I am invited to his cousin's D's graduation party that same day and his cousin's D is like a niece to me and I have played a part in raising her as I had her for about 50+ hours a week from 6 weeks old to age 5, and then of course the many times she has come to our house to spend time with D.  So, there may be 2 close encounters of the third kind on Saturday.  But, I am in a much better place than I was last year.  I have cushioned myself from the crazy with blocking all aspects of them on social media, and I have taken the time that I needed and wasn't given before the engagement to wrap my head around the marriage.  And I view this MLC being as someone "other" than my husband now.  I am not nervous at all like I was in the Fall.  I am confident in who I am, and I like myself.  Their perceptions of me no longer matter.
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Re: Stronger Now In Broken Places
#107: May 16, 2021, 07:28:48 PM
And I view this MLC being as someone "other" than my husband now.  I am not nervous at all like I was in the Fall.  I am confident in who I am, and I like myself.  Their perceptions of me no longer matter.

This is good to hear. This is where I am now, also. I have noticed now that I am in a serious relationship that it seems to have given my family permission to be more open about my former wife and her current life.
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#108: May 17, 2021, 03:36:30 AM
Quote from: FaithWalker

So, there may be 2 close encounters of the third kind on Saturday.
<...snip...>
And I view this MLC being as someone "other" than my husband now.  I am not nervous at all like I was in the Fall.  I am confident in who I am, and I like myself.  Their perceptions of me no longer matter.

Seriously....

I mean, would this now be of any interest to you?


Probably not....

You are in a much better place now and him? Well.... he's married to

(or CovidWifey is married to the above - take your pick)
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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#109: May 19, 2021, 04:58:38 PM
How wonderful that you are feeling more at ease with the potential encounters.  I hope that can happen for me someday.
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Married 1998
MLC H 48
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D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

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#110: May 31, 2021, 02:02:43 PM
Hello all, it's been a bit since I've managed to take time to type up an update.  I am home today catching up on chores after playing all weekend.  No, this is not a chore, just a moment of respite from the chores!   ;D

I did go to both parties last weekend and I think MLCer did not expect me to attend since they were scheduled for the same time.  I sussed out that he had taken S16 the weekend before to see S20's house and bring a housewarming gift.  I think but am not sure, that he figured he would skip the event where all my family and his former inlaws would be and stick to the party with Covidwifey that would have all his family in attendance.  He looked rather surprised to see me.  I walked in about 15 minutes after it started and they were sitting in the corner of the group.  Her appearance, even though I had seen a couple of pictures shocked me a little bit, because I swear she is almost the spitting image of his best friend's wife of 25 years or so.  Definitely we are nothing alike in looks.  But the friend's wife, I love her personality and get along with her well.  Anyway, not saying that the years haven't been unkind to me, but they both looked very aged in appearance.  He did not look 3 years older than me, he looked much older than that.  As I looked upon her, the phrase that I hear around here sometimes kept popping into my mind "they do not choose someone better than you, they choose someone worse than themselves", but whether that is true or not, I do not know them and what their relationship is like otherwise, so I can't really make those snap judgments but I am human and do wonder what the draw is.  It's hard to really say this without coming across as conceited. 

So I chatted with a lot of his family and then went inside the house and hid in the house for a bit talking with people in there, but it was pretty awkward and uncomfortable and I didn't like it.  The food was inside and so after a while MLCer came inside without her and I decided that I'd had enough with the awkwardness, so while he was inside in line to get food (presumably for the both of them) I went back outside and walked right up to her and introduced myself.  I believe I conducted myself with grace and charm.  It made the party easier without that awkwardness.  Afterwards I went back inside to get some food and his cousin's wife handed me a shot glass and asked if I needed a shot of tequila, lol.  Later, as I was leaving I looked at both of them and said "don't skip S20's party on my account, you are both more than welcome to come by" and they did end up coming by.  So, got that big milestone out of the way.  Nothing in him resembles my husband any more.  He looks very puffy and very aged.  I don't much care to hang around him, just politely tolerate him in little spurts when I have to due to having mutual activities that involve my children.

I did have one moment where I dropped a bit of a truth bomb in front of both CovidWifey and xMIL.  Somehow the subject of me dating came up and I was describing Navy man and I said "his story pretty much matches my own, his wife of 24 years did to him what
'insert MLCer name' did to me and decided that she didn't want to be married anymore and had to go find herself.  He stayed with the house and raised the kids and THAT is very attractive to me" Yeah, I wasn't going to sugar coat it.

Later at S20's house, both xSIL and xMIL complimented me on my appearance.  I did take extra care to look good. 

Also, there is something to be said about exuding confidence AND not having to enter any party with one iota of guilt or shame at how I have conducted myself.  That is an attractive force. 


Quote from: FaithWalker

So, there may be 2 close encounters of the third kind on Saturday.
<...snip...>
And I view this MLC being as someone "other" than my husband now.  I am not nervous at all like I was in the Fall.  I am confident in who I am, and I like myself.  Their perceptions of me no longer matter.

Seriously....

I mean, would this now be of any interest to you?


Probably not....

You are in a much better place now and him? Well.... he's married to

(or CovidWifey is married to the above - take your pick)


Lol UM, when I think of MLCer THIS is what I think of...in fact, I've referred to him as "Edgar" on occasion. 


And I got home and unblocked them both on Social media.  I took the year that I needed after not being given it to get used to this new future, and I did my final mourning, put my marriage to rest in the Fall, and have come to acceptance.  And I don't care anymore, so we are not friends, but they are not blocked, as I no longer have to guard and protect my heart from their present reality.   ;D
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#111: May 31, 2021, 02:33:55 PM
Oh yes, and a part I forgot about. My BFF and her husband ended up over there at the party and my BFF's husband didn't sugarcoat it, he said "MLCer, you are looking OLD.  What happened?"  hahaha!
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"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

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#112: May 31, 2021, 03:27:44 PM
Thanks for the update, FW! Your thread title certainly seems to be fitting, and you’re absolutely right about being able to walk around in the world with your head held high, regardless of who may also be there. These MLCers can’t do that - even if they sometimes put on a convincing facade, their truth will always be their truth. Some will work through it in a healthy way and make amends, some will continue on a destructive path, and some will be overwhelmed by their shame and will settle for some sort of sad existence. You have handled the situation with dignity and honor, and the results seem to be clear to those who have known you and the MLCer throughout all of this.
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#113: June 01, 2021, 12:46:33 AM
Oh yes, and a part I forgot about. My BFF and her husband ended up over there at the party and my BFF's husband didn't sugarcoat it, he said "MLCer, you are looking OLD.  What happened?"  hahaha!



As for you....



and your truth bomb? Right on target...

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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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#114: June 02, 2021, 09:51:17 PM
Thanks Curiosity and UM!

Updating tonight about my M's husband.  It does not look like he will be coming home from rehab, but rather moving into the long term care unit there instead.  My M is trying to come to terms with this plan, and is afraid that he will give up on life.  I'm just trying to support her best as I can.  Thankfully, I only live a little over a mile from her, so I can check in with her often.



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#115: June 03, 2021, 10:23:25 AM
That is some serious bada$$ery you got going on there Faith.  8)
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BD March, 2016
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H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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Re: Stronger Now In Broken Places
#116: June 03, 2021, 04:16:08 PM
Sending you hugs, Faith. We can't have one light day without a heavy one being right around the corner. Trying to find a positive here, at least your mother had a loving partner to enjoy her life with.
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#117: June 09, 2021, 06:12:21 PM
That is some serious bada$$ery you got going on there Faith.  8)

Awww thanks DF.  Ironically I just put something to that effect on a keychain recently. 

Sending you hugs, Faith. We can't have one light day without a heavy one being right around the corner. Trying to find a positive here, at least your mother had a loving partner to enjoy her life with.

Thanks Milly.  My M has only been married for 2 years.  She was a widow for 17 before that when we lost my F at 56.  I checked in with her yesterday and she's doing okay.  Her birthday is coming up this weekend and it's a big one that she doesn't want to celebrate but I asked her if she and I could celebrate quietly with lunch out together on Friday.

So I just finished reading "The Body Keeps the Score" and it's been a bit of a hard read.  Lots of stuff getting mixed around and back up to the surface.  I've had a couple of rough days.  There are still definitely things that I get stuck on and bitter tears that are still cried.  I continue to work through it.  The WTFery of it all still catches me off guard sometimes.  And there are still moments/memories that my brain brings forward that cause me instant distress.

When it got too hard to read, I would put it down and work on a different book.  I've simultaneously been reading "The Surrender Experiment" by Michael Singer and "Forgiving What You Can't Forget" by Lysa Terkheurst.  I've finished the Surrender Experiment now and just have the one left to read of the 3.

Some positive things have been happening at work and my position may yet again be changing while remaining the same.  Basically a restructuring of my title and the possibility of an income bump.  Keep your fingers crossed for me!

I am not sure what is going on with Navy man.  He freed up some time and mentioned that we could do more things together this Summer now, but then has been very distant and no pursuit at all, really.  I have to remember that we are both operating from a place of extreme hurt.  When someone hurts you the way we have been hurt, I think it's hard to put yourself out there again.  I just continue to live my life and if things are going to happen, they will happen organically.  Meanwhile, I have plenty to keep me busy.  I've been spending some time with a single friend by the pool.  We always have a good time together.  She is the one that set us up originally.  And I still do a bunch of stuff with my SIL.  She had me over for Mexican take-out and a movie on Monday night after work.  We've also taken in a few good hikes lately.

I've also got my paddle boarding and am headed up to the reservoir near my outlaws (x-inlaws) town this coming weekend.  My SIL's parents are headed back this way (the ones who sold me their car) from AZ and are staying in a cabin and renting a pontoon boat, so it should be a blast hanging with my brother, SIL, and her parents, and possibly D as well.

Monday I am taking a half day to leave in the afternoon to drive my above friend over to meet another of our friends in Silverthorne for dinner.  We will have a quick catch up session before she has to head back to Denver where she has a very successful catering business that keeps her hopping this time of year.

The following weekend my Friday and Saturday are already filled up with BBQ's and pool parties, and then S16 comes back Father's Day night and we are headed for a week away camping and paddle boarding in Steamboat Springs.  Then I'll be back to work for 4 days before a 4 day weekend 4th of July weekend, in which I get to spend with the kids this year as well.  Not sure what we are doing yet, but it will come together.

Lots of good stuff to look forward to.
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#118: June 10, 2021, 06:04:37 AM
Hello,

Quote
So I just finished reading "The Body Keeps the Score" and it's been a bit of a hard read.

I am reading "What happened to you?" and it's been a tough read as well. I think books that enable to you examine yourself as deeply as you gain understanding into the lives of others is powerful.

Quote
I am not sure what is going on with Navy man.  He freed up some time and mentioned that we could do more things together this Summer now, but then has been very distant and no pursuit at all, really. 

Just give it time and let things play out. It could be some things have come up and like all of us, unexpected heavy things hit us all the time. Like you posted, we all have been hurt and it is hard to put yourself out there. The only thing you can do is just be you and live positively within your realm.

Quote
Some positive things have been happening at work and my position may yet again be changing while remaining the same.  Basically a restructuring of my title and the possibility of an income bump.  Keep your fingers crossed for me!

I will keep my fingers crossed and toes as well!

((((Ready))))


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#119: June 10, 2021, 06:42:46 AM
Quote
So I just finished reading "The Body Keeps the Score" and it's been a bit of a hard read.  Lots of stuff getting mixed around and back up to the surface.  I've had a couple of rough days.  There are still definitely things that I get stuck on and bitter tears that are still cried.  I continue to work through it.  The WTFery of it all still catches me off guard sometimes.  And there are still moments/memories that my brain brings forward that cause me instant distress.

Faith, I am at this point as well.  I just finished listening to this book and I found a lot of things that I have been harboring come to the surface.  For me I have been detached from my situation for so long and now I feel the need to deal with the trauma I have experienced over the last few years.  My H continues to work on his “stuff” and I continue to work on mine.  The biggest thing I’ve learned is that I need to take ownership of my own feelings.  I try to stay out of victim mode while doing this.  For me it’s sometimes easier to blame my H for all of it.  (He blames himself and is trying to get through that, which is hard enough).   Taking ownership and fixing myself and mindset is tough.

I hope you continue down the path of peace.  It sounds like you have a lot of good things and good people to help you along.  This is essential. 

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#120: June 10, 2021, 06:48:39 AM

The WTFery of it all still catches me off guard sometimes.  And there are still moments/memories that my brain brings forward that cause me instant distress.

I sure understand the above comments, FW.

Some positive things have been happening at work and my position may yet again be changing while remaining the same.  Basically a restructuring of my title and the possibility of an income bump.  Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Excellent news!  Hoping that extra money comes your way!

I am not sure what is going on with Navy man.  He freed up some time and mentioned that we could do more things together this Summer now, but then has been very distant and no pursuit at all, really.  I have to remember that we are both operating from a place of extreme hurt.  When someone hurts you the way we have been hurt, I think it's hard to put yourself out there again.  I just continue to live my life and if things are going to happen, they will happen organically.  Meanwhile, I have plenty to keep me busy.  I've been spending some time with a single friend by the pool.  We always have a good time together.  She is the one that set us up originally.  And I still do a bunch of stuff with my SIL.  She had me over for Mexican take-out and a movie on Monday night after work.  We've also taken in a few good hikes lately.


Yup, if things are going to happen, they sure will.  Wise of you to continue on with your own activities and daily living. 

Lots of good stuff to look forward to.

Well said! 

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#121: June 10, 2021, 10:09:11 AM
Sounds like a fun summer ahead  8)  Navy Man is going to have to catch up with you. LOL!

I just finished a book called A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. The whole time I was reading it I kept thinking that I should pass it along to FW.  It is spiritual guide that I found very interesting but no too heavy.  I felt a lot lighter after I read this book.  Might be good for a summer reading option.

I myself am looking for something fun and fictional for the summer.  I have been buried under self help books for awhile now and I want to try and get back to reading for fun like I used to do.  Someone suggested The Seven Sister series so I am going to check that out.         
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#122: June 10, 2021, 04:07:31 PM
Great stuff everyone. 

DF, I will look into that book.

I have some light reading my SIL gave me that are vacationy type books (Elin Hilderbrand).  I will take one or two of those along on our camping trips.
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#123: June 11, 2021, 09:18:52 PM
Today was a good day.  Took a long lunch and took my M out for her 75th birthday.  One of the girls in my building was no longer using her desktop that converts from sitdown to standup and so I laid claim to it.  It's funny how such a small thing thrills me.  I love having the option of pushing my chair aside and standing up at my desk.  D is on day 2 of her new management position, and then she has the weekend off and is planning on spending it with me.

We will head for the lake in the morning.  It's a bit of a drive and I'm hoping to get an early start, but we shall see.
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#124: June 14, 2021, 04:22:39 PM
We had a great time at the lake, except that D ended up getting really, really burnt.  She's a trooper though.  Tonight she has her first management shift solo.  The tops of her hands got burned so hopefully they don't pain her too much while at work.

I did get chastised (or so it felt) by ex-MIL who heard about us driving to the lake near her town and didn't reach out to her.  The reality is that she typed her response, so I have no idea what frame of mind they were written in, but it felt like she was upset that we didn't tell her we were close by.

My plans for today got cancelled, so no meetup in Silverthorne, but I still took the half day and have been catching up on laundry from being gone over the weekend and also started planning for packing for vacation that starts next week.

I'm now really missing S.  Normally he would have come home last night, but because we traded weeks he will be gone until Sunday, right before we leave for vacation.  But, I will get him for 2 weeks and have most of it off work, so it's a win.  Still, I miss him.
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#125: June 15, 2021, 12:13:08 AM
What kind of R do you have with xMIL? Do you "normally" visit if you are in the area?  How do they feel about xH's shenanigans? Or is it really more about the Grandkids only?

I guess there are just as many reasons for you to not let her know as there are to let her know so...
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#126: June 15, 2021, 10:26:12 AM
Good luck to your daughter on her new position with her sunburn.

These XMILs are too much.  Not having lifted a finger while our lives were in turmoil, harboring the souls who broke our hearts and their OW.  But now it is our job to reach out and keep up with them? I think not.  Exactly what would we chat about over tea?  Their loser kid and all the goings on in his life?  Is she going to pass on our secrets to the X?  No thank you. 

These MILs are not our friends.  They have already proven that.  Lets not waste time pretending for the sake of the neighbors.  As I told my sister about a mutual friend of SPQ that has now decided to re-friend me on social media.  He picked his side 3 years ago - he is stuck with it.  No backsies.   

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#127: June 20, 2021, 06:25:40 PM
I'm sure there are those here who have exMILs that they have remained close to. 

I am not one of them.  My exMIL has known me since I was 14 years old.  What she did to me on her son's behalf was just too much for me.  I haven't spoken to her since the middle of January 2016 when I was trying to find out where he was staying when he ran away.  I don't intend to ever speak to her again. 

I'm sorry that you feel chastised, and I'm guessing maybe a bit guilty.  You get to decide what kind of contact and relationship you wish to have with her.  Your kids are now getting old enough that if they wish to see their grandmother they can arrange it on their own without your assistance.  Do what's best for you, FW. 
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#128: June 28, 2021, 05:50:18 PM
Thank you all.  Obviously I have more work to do on myself as I should not feel guilty.  She visits our town ALL the time, makes plans with the kids for lunch, spends time with her son's and their wives, including the new wife, and doesn't let me know she is in town.  And the problem with the written word is you never know if they are joking, or serious.  When I told D what her GM said, she just shrugged it off and was like "we don't need to always contact her when the reason for our trip there had nothing to do with her" lol, ok D, I should take a page from your book!   ;)

So, today was my first day back to work after 9 days off and being out of town on vacation.  We had a great vacation.  Camping with my B, SIL and nephew.  We floated the Yampa river in tubes, paddle boarded Steamboat Reservoir, hiked or walked along the river walk most days, relaxed in camp and I got some light vacation reading in while the kids battled each other in Connect 4 and put together puzzles, we had a great balance of camp food and eating out, and everything was delicious.  We visited a resort with an alpine coaster and played 18 holes of mini golf while we waited in a virtual line for the coaster.  When the weather turned nasty and the coaster shut down, we went and saw Cruella in the theater.  We visited a beautiful Botanical Garden that was free.  And on the last day we were there, the weather was supposed to be rainy all day so we rented The Hitman's Bodyguard, did a fabulous Escape room and then hit an old-fashioned soda/ice cream Parlor before heading to the theater again to see The Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard.  My brother has a flame genie and that thing is fantastic.  Smokeless campfire is the way to go!  We roasted marshmallows and made s'mores.  It was a great week!  And now, I work the next 3 days and then I have a 4 day weekend and I get to have S until next Monday.  I will hike tomorrow night for a sunset hike with my SIL to one of our favorite places to hike to keep up the outdoor activities and I will get together with S21 one night this week as well, and also squeeze in some more paddle boarding, either after work or on one of the 4 days off.  We have an invite to a 4th of July pool party too!  Life is good!

We got home Saturday and that gave us some time to rest and also catch up on laundry and stuff before work.  I have an interview Thursday for my "promotion/new job title".  I worked at the Church bookstore on Sunday and the Sermon has really had me pondering a few things that our Pastor said.  I thought I should share my cliff notes here, in case someone else needs to hear it too. 

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There is a reality that every person is going to have to wrestle with and overcome.  If you are going to experience life the way God intended you to, you are going to have to overcome regret. God wants to use that regret to educate us, and then have us move on from it.  The enemy wants to use regret for stagnation.

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You cannot be the person you need to be for the future if you continue to punish the person you used to be in your past.

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People are often not able to recover because they are constantly revisiting what they cannot revise.

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There is no age limit on the God-factor in your life.
God still can...(insert whatever here)
God can rebuild.
God can usher in new Seasons.
God still CAN.
God is not done with you, regardless of what you've lost in the past.

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Your Season is when God says it is, with whom God says it is

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Your destiny was never tied to anyone who walked out of your life.

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Your Heavenly Father creates new Seasons for you

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The only way to overcome a bad past is to create an amazing future!
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#129: July 02, 2021, 08:34:11 PM
Day 1 of a 4 day Holiday break done.  D19 and I met my bestie and her D16 and S10 for paddle boarding.  D locked her keys in the car, as she had brought a separate car in order to leave us a bit early to go have lunch with her F.  So she took my car home, changed clothes, grabbed her spare key, and came back to bring me my car and use her spare key to get into hers.  She joined the rest of us at Bestie's house after a 45 minute lunch with her F.  We played cards and had a great day hanging out.  D had to be at work by 4 and Bestie's D, who also now works where D works had to be at work by 6.  I came home around 7 to a nice and quiet house, I am happy for the peace tonight.

We went and hung out with S21 at his house last night and S16 ended up staying the night and wanted to know if he could do 2 nights.  I knew that he wouldn't want to paddle board with us so I figured him holing up in his room with his computer or being at older brother's house wouldn't make much difference to me.

I will grab him sometime tomorrow and then Sunday we are headed to a pool party at my B's neighbor's house.

I am happy to report that I interviewed yesterday for the position at work and got the promotion!  What's more, they made the pay effective same day, which means that today and Monday, my paid Holidays will also be paid at that higher rate.  Fantastic!  I am very excited.  With my experience, they started me out on step 2 instead of step 0, which is a higher rate than the starting pay for that position and equals a $2.53 per hour raise for me from what I am at currently.  Every little bit helps, especially after losing child support for D19 over a year ago, even though I was supposed to keep receiving it until the end of May 2021 according to CO child support laws changing a year after the D.

Let's see, what else to report?  Oh, yes.  D19 has been accepted into university again and is really planning on going this time.  She procrastinated and we barely got the FAFSA done in time to submit it before the deadline so I'm keeping my fingers crossed she gets some grant money.  She has received a Presidential Scholarship and she is looking into some other Scholarships as well.  At this time, she will be working on a 2 Year Associates Degree.  She has decided not to live on campus and at this point, does not have plans to move out from me yet.  She has started helping out some with some grocery money and to pay a portion of her cell phone bill.  I invoice her around the 1st of the month and then she is supposed to pay me by the 10th.  It's about the same amount as my new car payment that started June 1st, so this works out really well!

I have been feeling really good about life lately.  There will always be some residual shock over the demise of my marriage, but I feel more grounded lately and certain of my path forward.  My xH's path has merged with another's path and diverged from mine.  I still continue to grieve the H that was, but see things much more clearly for what they are.  I don't much care for the guy that absorbed my H like a vanishing twin and then murdered my marriage.  Thankfully, our communication is pretty light these days with S16 being the age he is and the days are numbered.  Other than family functions, I don't anticipate much communication beyond the next 2 years.  Child support and maintenance run out at the same time at the end of S's Senior year according to the D papers, and so I am hoping that my income will support me and that I will be able to climb another step or 2 income wise.  It won't quite bridge the gap, but hopefully other expenses will go down and S will be bringing in some of his own income by then as well.  S says he is moving out right away upon graduation.  We shall see! 

I have thought about starting my own part-time uni career while S is still home and while I might qualify for some grants.  If I can get a 2 year Associate's degree (which would most likely take me longer than 2 years), I might be able to promote to another position in my office which my co-worker plans to retire from in the next 3-5 years, or a different position that another co-worker intends on retiring from in about 7 years.  I don't believe I will start this Fall, but perhaps could start in the Spring, or next Fall.  I have not fully decided, but have been mulling it around.

Well, I've rambled on long enough this evening, but had a lot to say!   :)
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#130: July 02, 2021, 11:39:09 PM
Congratulations, Faith! Well done!  :)

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My xH's path has merged with another's path and diverged from mine.  I still continue to grieve the H that was, but see things much more clearly for what they are.  I don't much care for the guy that absorbed my H like a vanishing twin and then murdered my marriage.
This ^^^ is such a pithy summary and much how I feel too. Just took me a goodly bit of time and a few significant events to get there, probably the same for you, but it’s not a bad spot to reach, is it? There is a kind of practical realistic peace to it. And it leaves more space to focus on the good bits of our own current path, albeit initially an unchosen one, just as you are doing.  :)
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#131: July 03, 2021, 06:24:57 AM
Hello,

Quote
I am happy to report that I interviewed yesterday for the position at work and got the promotion!  What's more, they made the pay effective same day, which means that today and Monday, my paid Holidays will also be paid at that higher rate.  Fantastic!  I am very excited.  With my experience, they started me out on step 2 instead of step 0, which is a higher rate than the starting pay for that position and equals a $2.53 per hour raise for me from what I am at currently.

Congratulations! I am so glad that they realized what a great employee you are!

Quote
Oh, yes.  D19 has been accepted into university again and is really planning on going this time.

Another great step forward. All of our children, like us, grow at different rates and through different experiences. The point is that your daughter is moving forward. She's not stuck, or worse yet, regressing.  I've got four children now, each one on a different trajectory in life. One is an elementary teacher, one  is starting their own floral business, another one designs t-shirts in a mall, and the last one works in a restaurant and hopes to finish college next year. I am proud of all them. They all are moving forward.

Quote
There will always be some residual shock over the demise of my marriage, but I feel more grounded lately and certain of my path forward.  My xH's path has merged with another's path and diverged from mine.  I still continue to grieve the H that was, but see things much more clearly for what they are.  I don't much care for the guy that absorbed my H like a vanishing twin and then murdered my marriage.

There are parts to this I strongly agree with and parts I disagree. I do agree that there will always be some residue left over from the murdered marriage. I am going on eight years since the divorce and still deal with the fallout. Not often, but we will always be connected through our children and as long as there is a connection, there will be lingering emotions and memories that will trigger reactions from me- good and bad. I now can grieve the loss of the person she was. Like you, I see things more clearly. My ex brought with her to our marriage experiences, emotions, and trauma that has yet to be resolved to this day. One thing I like about the forum is the opportunity to explore ourselves. This is about our journey and the MLC aspect is what brings us together, but it is our own growth and opportunity to not only recover; but get better. In the end, it is not about getting a clearer picture of our MLCer, but to see ourselves in a new light; a new clarity.

Where I disagree is the idea that your ex's life merged with another. That suggests life moving forward- a seamless transition. Your ex didn't go with the flow of traffic, he went the wrong way and ended up with whatever he collided with. Is he complete? Or does it seam still that bits and pieces of him are still trying to come back together.

My wife's ex left her for another woman. They are still together to this day. Our son lived with them for a short period of time. He stated it was the worst time of his life. There was always anger and hostility in the house. It was always dirty and his father and stepmom fought constantly over the most trivial matters. The step mom was nice to our son, but the overall vibe and feel was traumatizing nonetheless.

While this is one story, my conclusion is that our MLCers don't intentionally or accidently fall into paradise. They don't "win" or get away with it. They may feel that hit the jackpot, but in the long run, they give it all back to the house and then some.

Quote
I have been feeling really good about life lately.

That is because despite your ex, you are moving forward and your life is merging onto a new highway. Trust me, your h is going to live to regret the day he left you.

Have a fantastic Fourth and keep moving forward,

(((((Ready)))))




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#132: July 03, 2021, 12:55:49 PM
Thank you ready and Treasur

Treasur, yes there is peace to it.

Ready, I nod along to your way of putting it that he collided rather than merged.  We really did diverge at Bomb Drop, but it was this marriage collision that finalized my trajectory.

I honestly have no idea what their life is like but I bet if I were a fly on the wall, it would look much different than it appears.  Or at some point will unravel.  But I will be too busy moving forward in my life to pay it much mind.
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#133: July 03, 2021, 01:22:29 PM
Hi FW,

So glad to see you doing well.  I know God has a plan and will continue to bless you.  Hope you enjoy the rest of your hoilday weekend.

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#134: July 03, 2021, 03:14:41 PM
Thank you HF!  Have a good Holiday weekend as well!
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#135: July 05, 2021, 05:59:25 AM
You sound wonderful FW!! Congrats on the job promotion and I love your long term planning. I say go for it!!
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Married 1998
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D16, S12
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Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
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#136: July 05, 2021, 07:25:08 PM
Thanks DF!  I am going to look into it.
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

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"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

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#137: July 06, 2021, 11:35:40 AM
Nicely done, FW, on that promotion.  A good thing happening to a good person.  I enjoy hearing things like that. 

I also agree with Ready - many of our spouses went the wrong way and ended up with whatever they collided with. 
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#138: July 07, 2021, 01:38:34 AM
I also agree with Ready - many of our spouses went the wrong way and ended up with whatever they collided with.

Yeah... sort of like

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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
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BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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#139: July 07, 2021, 01:44:59 PM
I also agree with Ready - many of our spouses went the wrong way and ended up with whatever they collided with.

Yeah... sort of like



Nice touch, Ursa....but an exploding Porta Potty would be an equally awesome visual 👌😎
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#140: July 07, 2021, 07:44:27 PM
I also agree with Ready - many of our spouses went the wrong way and ended up with whatever they collided with.

Yeah... sort of like



Nice touch, Ursa....but an exploding Porta Potty would be an equally awesome visual 👌😎

I like it.  Here you go BB:
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

b
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#141: July 08, 2021, 02:45:25 AM
I also agree with Ready - many of our spouses went the wrong way and ended up with whatever they collided with.

Yeah... sort of like



Nice touch, Ursa....but an exploding Porta Potty would be an equally awesome visual 👌😎

I like it.  Here you go BB:


Bahaha....perfect 👍👌
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#142: July 09, 2021, 08:25:16 PM
Great work week down and the weekend ahead.  I am busy busy at work, but the person who got the shared position to mine will start Monday, so that will take a little relief off of me, although I think with having all my duties, plus personal assistant to 2 people I am going to be really busy.  It makes the time go by super fast though!  I tried hard not to get overtime this week but still ended up with 45 minutes at the end of the week.

This weekend I didn't plan much out, however, my M called and wanted to see if I would drive her to get her 2nd vaccine so I will do that tomorrow and run some laundry and dishes and perhaps the vacuum in between.  I have a friend who's just arrived back in town from Florida and she wants to go out tomorrow night and celebrate my promotion.  I told her that I would be perfectly happy dressing up and going out or dressing down and going for an evening paddle boarding session until sunset.  We will see what she comes back with.

Sunday is my one of 2 Sunday's a month to work at the Church bookstore and then my D wants to do something for her day off.  Most likely paddle boarding as well, lol.  Today we were at 107 degrees F at 5pm and tomorrow and Sunday we will be in the 100's also, so we will definitely be drinking tons of water if we end up out in that heatwave.  S16 comes back from MLCers on Sunday night.

I hope everyone has a fabulous weekend!
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

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#143: July 09, 2021, 09:02:21 PM
Hi FW, 

At the end of one of our vacations, we visited some family in Denver and went paddle boarding before flying home.  Paddle boarding was so much fun and definitely a great way to spend an evening.  Hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend!

HF
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#144: July 10, 2021, 06:52:09 AM
I would pick paddle boarding at sunset and fall off a lot in that heat. Whatever you do have fun and stay hydrated!!
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Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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#145: July 10, 2021, 11:12:29 PM
Hi FW, 

At the end of one of our vacations, we visited some family in Denver and went paddle boarding before flying home.  Paddle boarding was so much fun and definitely a great way to spend an evening.  Hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend!

HF

Fabulous HF!  I'm glad you got to do that!  Where did you paddle board at?  I have only paddle boarded Aurora Reservoir in Denver.

I would pick paddle boarding at sunset and fall off a lot in that heat. Whatever you do have fun and stay hydrated!!

That was a solid plan DF, however, my friend texted this morning and she didn't get in until midnight, was jet-lagged, and had forgotten about a birthday party for her nephew.  It worked out okay though because I spent the better part of the daytime hours with my M.  She was supposed to drop in for her 2nd vaccine, but the lady working today was all bent out of shape and said they were not taking drop ins, even though over the loud speaker every 5 minutes their announcements said that there was no need for an appointment.  My M asked if she could make an appointment for later that day and the lady very loudly and rudely said they were full up and she would have to get online and make an appointment for another day. My M said that she didn't have access to technology right now because her tablet wasn't working lately and the lady gave her a phone number to call instead, but she sounded very condescending from where I was sitting waiting for my M in the lobby.  I pulled up their webpage and it said there were 9 appointments that day, so I started entering my M's info and getting her scheduled.  Then I drove her back to her house so she could relax in the time between when we went and when I was able to get her appointment scheduled for. 

When we arrived back later in the afternoon, I made sure to walk up there with my M and stand next to her, with the confirmation number for the appointment in hand.  Thankfully, she couldn't put up an argument this time and handed my M the paperwork.  The other lady, who was much nicer, took over and then the actual pharmacist who gave her the shot was very personable.

My M is already stressed over the situation with her H, she didn't need added stress.  While I was at her house, we had a conversation with her H's daughter and it looks like what needs to happen is for my SD and M to move in with the daughter up in Washington.  I think my M is finally on board with this.  This would keep my SD out of a nursing home and my M and SD together.

Anyway, all that took a good deal of time today but I was happy to be there for her.  When I got back, D was leaving for work and I needed to kick up the A/C and work on some house chores, so no paddle boarding happened today.  Ah well, I feel like I got something accomplished anyhow.
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

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#146: July 11, 2021, 06:44:53 AM
Hi FW, 

At the end of one of our vacations, we visited some family in Denver and went paddle boarding before flying home.  Paddle boarding was so much fun and definitely a great way to spend an evening.  Hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend!

HF
Fabulous HF!  I'm glad you got to do that!  Where did you paddle board at?  I have only paddle boarded Aurora Reservoir in Denver.


Hi FW,

I had to look it up.  We went paddling at Big Soda Lake in Bear Creek Lake park.   I remember the beach area was crowded but it was a beautiful day to paddle on the lake when we went in late June a couple of years ago.   Glad you were able to be there for your M getting the second shot and also supporting her and your SD.

HF
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#147: July 11, 2021, 07:29:17 AM
Faith:

Catching up from April!...
Sounds like you're in an amazing place right now -- so much going on.
Your dream sounds quite intense.  I don't dream much of xH anymore; but then I don't dream much anyway.
I am so sorry about your mom's husband's hip, but sounds like her husband's daughter has a great plan for them to move in with her.  It is nice that they'll be able to keep them together.
Your trip sounds like it was an amazing time.  So much family time, and paddle time!
And congratulations on your promotion.  I hope that you can continue to climb, and perhaps take those classes which could enhance that possibility.

On your xH's remarriage - since I am about 6 months behind you in that respect, I hope that I can become even further "meh" as time passes.  I still find that I miss him, and sadly think that I would consider taking him back were he to find his way to me.  I still see him as the husband I married, not the husband who married someone else.  And yes,  Mine is "puffy" and older as well.  That's the thing that I noticed in the one wedding photo that I saw -- he looked very bloated.  IDK if it's alcohol, food or just hormones, but interesting that it seems to be a commonality.

I purchased "The Body Keeps Score" last week (Treasur's recommendation), and hope to get to it soon.

Have a great week at work; glad you'll be getting some relief when the new person starts.
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#148: July 17, 2021, 10:41:26 PM
Hello everyone!  The new person had a great first week.  However, I now have to take some time off to drive my Mom and SD's car full of things up to Washington.  So I will work this next week, but then my M and SD will fly with his daughter a week from Tuesday.  S16 and I are going to drive their car full of their items they need leaving Tuesday as well, but we will get up there a day after them.  D19 has to work, so she will stay behind and take care of the kitty.  I've been working my tail end off to get my M's house packed up so that she can be ready for this move.  She has lived in our State for at least the last 50 years, so this is big change.  I've also only ever lived about 45 minutes away from her and lately she's been about a little over a mile away, so we will both have to adjust.

S16 needs the driving hours, so hopefully this will really help him to get the hours he needs in order to get his license before school starts.  I've had some tension in my back and I think it's a combination of everything plus sleeping wrong on it one night.  Definitely suddenly feeling a lot of pressure, between work, getting my M moved, school starting soon for both kids (Junior year for S, first year of college for D).  I am excited about seeing a little bit of country I've never seen before.  Please pray for traveling mercies for us!
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

D
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#149: July 20, 2021, 02:28:42 PM
You have a lot on your plate. Praying for a smooth transition for everyone and safe travels.
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Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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#150: July 24, 2021, 08:51:14 AM
Thank you DF.  I'm headed over to my M's for the final Saturday before we leave.  We leave on Tuesday.  Tomorrow I will spend the day cleaning my own house and packing for the trip.  Monday is a work day.

Looks like I am at post 150 so I will lock this thread and start a new one when I get back.

New thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11810.new#new
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« Last Edit: August 03, 2021, 04:34:18 PM by FaithWalker »
Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

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#151: July 26, 2021, 02:40:11 AM
Looks like I am at post 150 so I will lock this thread and start a new one when I get back.
You got away.. this time... Hope that you have a nice vacation
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

 

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