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Author Topic: My Story Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5

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My Story Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
OP: February 11, 2021, 06:48:46 AM
I keep wondering when this “storm” actually runs out of rain. The impending surgery has added another layer to life’s challenges and the ongoing demolition is not helping.

Xh has yet to produce the finances for S. I anticipate Xh will at least do that, as it is all he has right now to hold over S’s head. Xh will no doubt do what he does with the support check and will hold out as long as he can, making sure we know who is calling the shots  ::).

I have never been afraid of doing things on my own. Normally, going to doctors appointments and lab work has never bothered me. Other than the biopsy results recently, I have gone on my own many times. Yesterday, it was such a different story.

I reached the hospital and realized how much I hate parking garages. Even though they are open it always feels claustrophobic to me. I am sure it is the low ceilings. If the weather had been better I would have parked on the roof, as that is usually my go to.

I think it in part brought back the feeling I had when I was with D when we had to bring her to another hospital nearby for an emergency and Xh didn’t show up. Both hospitals are in the larger city and while they have great reputations for care and their surgical units, they are also where encountering those more dramatic things like gunshot wounds are not uncommon in the ER. Fortunately, the area I was in was far away from the ER portion of the hospital, unlike the last time.

Yesterday, I was not nervous at first but the sudden reality of how odd this whole Covid protocol makes it even more apparent how alone I feel. Yes, my sister was only a phone call away and a 15 minute drive. I know I will have people to help me, but that reality that no one can wait in the waiting room for me is a bit terrifying.

They normally would keep me overnight but Covid had changed that as well. Now if all goes well, they will send me home 8 hours after the surgery. And in some ways I am grateful for that and in other ways it is a scary thought. But I have faith this doctor won’t shove me out the door if he deems I need a longer stay.

I sat there having all of the pre-op work done and wondered if this will even resolve my issues. What if it doesn’t. Oh, those pesky what if’s. I try so hard not to dabble in those thoughts. In my nervous state which I hid very well, I couldn’t shake those thoughts off.

I was fortunate enough to have really good people guiding me through it all. The one lab tech made me laugh. He shared stories about his adult kids and we laughed as he did all of the necessary work ups. His kindness helped immensely. When I told him having blood drawn sometimes makes me very light headed and nervous due to a lab tech many years ago having multiple misses he was very sensitive to my nerves. He joked he was going to stand way out of the way so I didn’t slap him when he drew the blood samples. I burst out laughing and told him he had nothing to worry about considering I have never slapped my xh and he has given me plenty of reasons to want to.  :D He thought that was quite funny.

I left with all of my necessary paperwork for the surgery and could have gone right home but called my sister instead. She was getting ready to take my nephew to his personal training session for basketball. I decided to ride along and keep her company.

My nephew and I talked about his love of basketball. He is only 13 but he has found his sport of choice. He liked baseball and was exceptionally good at it. But basketball is honestly more suited for him. He told me about his new healthy diet but I had to laugh when he told me he does still eat junk food sometimes, just now he eats things like salads and he has grown to love avocados. Made me laugh. An avocado would not have been even an option before then. He explained his training sessions and how he is trying out for the modified team today.

My sisiter had me go with her to pick out a bottle of wine for her husband for Valentine’s Day. We had fun and didn’t talk about anything heavy. I needed a little normal.

On the way back to her house, after picking my nephew up he overheard the plans for how I would be dropped off by my sister the day of surgery and she would be sure to pick me up with BIL’s SUV in the afternoon since hers would be impossible to get into after surgery. My nephew stopped our conversation and hadn’t been told I was staying with them for a few days. He said not to worry because he was home on vacation and he would help. He then asked if I felt good enough could we do some drawings and could he hang out with me when I was awake. I wanted to cry. My own kids would have done the same and are helping but they have their college classes to worry about.

As I drove home I thought about how fortunate I am. My BIL it seems was quick to tell my sister I could stay as long as I needed to. It is a disruption to their own routines and lives and yet there wasn’t even a hesitation. My sister had said my BIL knows I would do the same for both of them.

The drive home calmed me down a great deal. I took the long way home and drove by the lake. Many months ago looking at that lake made me want to just dive into the cold water to numb the pain. It is nice to no longer feel that way and instead new memories came to the surface. Like having been at that same lake a year ago almost to the day. Those memories made me smile.

Not sure when this “storm” ends. Hopefully soon I will at least be able to jump in the mud puddles once I feel better.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11664.0
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« Last Edit: February 11, 2021, 07:10:00 AM by Thunder »

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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#1: February 11, 2021, 07:47:28 AM
Following along.... It is too cold here to jump into puddles at the moment though... but the sun is shining....
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
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Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#2: February 11, 2021, 04:16:49 PM
Attaching.

Your nephew is so sweet.  I'm glad that you have your sister's family for your upcoming recovery.
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#3: February 13, 2021, 11:59:49 AM
UrsaMajor - I should have rethought that original post. Here too, it has been too cold for puddles. If I jumped on any "puddles" they probably would resulted in the opposite of a graceful glide on what would be a patch of ice. But, I am going to be on a bit of a hiatus from puddle jumping for awhile, so maybe by the time I am all healed I can make up by splashing around in puddles with warmer weather.  ;)

FaithWalker - My nephew was a tiny terror for years. He is full of energy, but he has grown up so much and he always was a cuddly kid. He and I have always been close, but it is different now. His maturity is showing through and he really is a very loving, caring kid. My niece is too, but it is different. He is really very sensitive to other's feelings.

When he tried out for the basketball team this week he asked my sister if she would pick him up instead of the usual carpooling that his "pod" of friends do. She asked why. Her thought was he might be disappointed if he didn't make the team, as they were notified by letter the night of. His response was, he would feel bad if he didn't make it, but also if one of his friends didn't make the team and the others did, he felt it was best to not make that notification a group event. He was very sensitive to his one friend in particular who is the smallest of all of them. The boys in his group all ended up making the team, so it ended well, but it struck me that he was really thoughtful about how that might play out - excited kids opening letters on the long way home. It is part of life, but still, for a 13 year old to think that out was pretty amazing to me.

And, now I will be having to make good on my promise that once the pandemic ends and life goes back to some sense of normal, that I will be taking him to college basketball games at my alma mater. And, I am more than okay with that. I haven't been in years, and I loved watching the games from the stands. "March Madness" was great fun to watch live. For now, I am sure he will be piling on the guest bed with me to watch games if they are on while I am at their house. I have already told him that I need to have him reintroduce me to all the proper rules and regulations.  ;)

It has been an exhausting few days. I have done more driving in the past week than in months. After the day of lab work, the next day, was an updated set of ultrasounds for the surgery. Yesterday, I met with the surgeon for pre -op questions. This morning, the required Covid test. And in that mix, I fit in a few hours of work at the gallery yesterday. It was so much less than I normally would have done in a day, but with this current physical situation, that was draining.

I chose to take a very long drive on the way home and started out on the same route I had gone the other day along the lake. I opted to stay on the lake road and go farther to see the lighthouse. It has been a long time since I have been there and I figured I will be keeping close to home for a long while after the surgery, so I might not get to see the ice build up on the pier. It was frigid and the water was this dark, almost ominous blue, but the sun was out and the snow and ice glistened. It was stunning. It was mesmerizing and I was getting ready to take some pictures when my phone rang.

S had called to tell me he had made it home safely. We laughed a little about the new "primitive chic" bathroom we have going on. The plaster is all gone and just the outer walls and the lathe remain. S had the same reaction I had the other night though. It was actually freeing. A feeling of being able to see the possibilities and where we are moving in a new direction now that it is nearly done. They will be back to remove a couple of last things that the original crew had on their list, but we both can see possibilities now. Not sure others would see it that way, but I felt way more calm once they did the walk through the other night and unveiled the stripped room. The tub - long gone. There is nothing but a blank slate now. I can see how that space could function much more efficiently now.

The conversation was easy with S and then I asked if he had found out anything about his tuition that is due. He hesitated. I could feel the calm leaving my body. That hesitation made my body tense up as if to prepare for an attack. I was anticipating an Xh story. Oh, and was it - LOL

So, originally S said he called Xh on Wednesday to follow up with their earlier conversation. S had checked with financial aid before calling Xh to find out whether or not Xh had in fact contributed his portion. S said he called Xh and asked him if he planned on contributing this semester and could he let S know the amount so I could plan accordingly. No where in that request was "M says you have to pay it all". Nope. And, earlier in the week, I had approached it with S that if he could pursue that it would be a huge load off of my mind, since there is a lot going on in my life. Just give me the final number. That I could deal with. Besides, in the back of my mind was not wanting to let Xh off the hook. It wasn't that difficult to figure out what his share was - it was a round number and not a huge amount of money this semester. Xh flipped on S.

So, it would seem he originally said to S that he was not going to put his money in until I did. S said fine, but could he still give S a figure so I could make that happen. S had to call him back because Xh hadn't gotten back to him. This was Wednesday night. S said to me yesterday before we continued with this insane conversation that had I not heard from Xh? Nope. I told S I don't have him blocked on my phone and I passed him on my way home on Thursday, he looked right at me. I have not heard a peep from him. No emails. No texts. Not by carrier pigeon or with smoke signals - not a single letter of the alphabet has been exchanged. S was exasperated and started muttering under his breath about how Xh had an epic meltdown and went into a huge tirade how he was going to call me and give it to me. Hmmmm - why?

It would seem that Xh told S that he did not want S to be kicked out of college this semester for unpaid tuition, so he paid the entire balance on his own. He was going to contact me to ream me out. S said he told Xh that I never said I expected him to pay it all.

So, I took a deep breath and calmly told S that I will not be contacting Xh. He chose to pay this final balance on his own. That is his choice. Furthermore, if he does call to scream at me, he will meet my very stubborn, nasty side. I can handle talking to an adult and discussing things. I might have even considered paying him back my part, but under the circumstances, I don't think that will be necessary. He chose to do that and frankly, if push comes to shove, it is only a fraction of what is owed to me for the many bills I have paid for D over the past 5 years. I told S that since Xh pays nothing for D, and I am not supposed to know about this "secret account" for D,  I have all the more reason to play stupid. If he gets nasty with me, he will be told exactly what is owed down to the penny, and he can consider this a down payment that I will take off the balance.

S knows I have no desire to go back into court and expend energy with Xh and this BS. Just leave me alone and let me rebuild my life.

Before I hung up, S said maybe we could add a percentage to that for the insurance bill that fortunately is being covered by his stupid mistake. I laughed and said yes, I am sure he would love to see an invoice for the now $30K mess. We had a good laugh.

After he hung up, I no longer had a desire to go shoot photos and the magic of that scene was just broken. But, I also did not let it eat me up. I was going down that path. I had a moment of somehow feeling bad that Xh paid that bill on his own. Then I reminded myself that a person who truly wanted to be an adult would have called to discuss it with me. He has skipped out on his responsibilities and I have no reason to feel guilty, nor do I feel like I owe him some phone call. Yup, he will be able to use this as a way to feel like a hero on one hand and play the victim. Whatever. That is a pretty sad existence. I have bigger worries than his own choices. And, it was a choice he made.

I dare him to take me to court over it - LOL. Wonder how that would play out? I may not be quick to take him to court, but it is another thing to push me to that point. I don't do well when feeling attacked. That kicks in that very stubborn side of me. I forgot at one point how to protect myself and I was lucky to have someone continually remind me that it was okay for me to protect the kids and I. Now, I am not that same person who was so beat down by the MLCer. Xh, if he is smart, will recognize that and he knows if pushed way too far, I will show that fierce, stubborn side. The side that would show up with documents at court that will make his head spin. I will prepare for that possibility, but I am not going to push that button on my own. I don't want to. I want to focus on my own life, not engaging with the MLCer.

Now, do I think Xh will contact me? Hmmm. A few days have passed. I think on the one hand he knows. Or, if he follows his usual pattern, he will wait to rile me up before my surgery. THAT will be a huge mistake and I am hoping he knows that is the case.

I really do want the MLCer to just leave me the "F" alone. His interactions no longer enrich my life like they once did. Not interested.
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« Last Edit: February 13, 2021, 12:11:05 PM by MourningDove »

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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#4: February 13, 2021, 01:08:48 PM
Following along MourningDove. Hope all goes well with the surgery.
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27. Two adult kids, ours

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New Here? Read this! http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1149.0

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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#5: February 13, 2021, 04:36:09 PM
Still tagging along with you, MD. 

I missed the date of your surgery but it must be coming up this next week.  Sending you good thoughts and vibes. 

Glad to read that S is able to continue his education even if MLCer made of mess of the financial end of it. 

Are you on leave from your position or are you working from home?
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#6: February 14, 2021, 12:43:43 PM
PJ Ames and stillbaffled - Thank you.  :)

Surgery is on Thursday, bright and early. The surgeon joked I was his first customer. I have to be there by 6 a.m. for the 8 a.m. surgery.

I was thinking about this thing with Xh. I simply could tell him if he does contact me that he has met this semester's finances for D. Then he only behind 5 semesters and 5 years of medical, etc reimbursements.  ::) Besides, my gut tells me he will use this as his set up to not give his usual additional money or he will make sure S knows HE paid for the semester. It fuels his need for being the victim.

I had attributed so much of the pain from sitting long hours in front of the computer, along with the mental fatigue to teaching online exclusively. When I was done for the Spring semester, I got back to walking and the like, and the pain just got progressively worse, along with some other symptoms that I thought were menopause setting in. Unexplained weight gain and a complete lack of appetite. But, I wasn't having mood swings or hot flashes. More along the lines with my body being just completely out of sync. Then the pain started to intensify and looking back, it has been going on for just about a year.

My plans for the 2020 summer had included a couple of weeks in Europe and another trip right on the heels of that, to start. I had saved up money to make that happen. I had been so busy worried about my students, I didn't track the fact that the high school was delayed in paying me by weeks due to a paperwork glitch from switching to remote. In many ways, I have been fortunate that this happened the way it did.

Fall rolled around and the college enrollment plummeted. My job no longer exists at the moment. I am not the only one in this predicament. One of the local colleges is reporting a $10 million dollar shortfall in their budget for next year. S mentioned that normally there are over 2,000 students living on campus at his college. This semester enrollment is up slightly, and there are 500 students who are living on campus. Which is why I have told many prospective students that they should look into going to some of these private institutions who have endowments - they are hurting for students and like it or not it is a business. Students have potentially more options at the moment.

The university where I was covering for maternity leave, there too, they are hurting. Classes were consolidated.

The high school program - that is a whole other story. They fell into just where 3 of us said they would. We warned the former administration that there were issues with the structure of the program that would need to be addressed at some point. It had to do with some hiccups that really needed to be reviewed. I was in discussions with the principal prior to Covid about addressing the concerns. The 3 of us that had concerns fell right where we thought we would - without jobs when the state came back in a pandemic and reviewed things. So, they adjusted for this year and our positions are all in limbo. In simplest terms it is an issue with how colleges are certified and how schools are certified and meshing the two should be simple, but there are different rules that make no sense logically, but they are still rules. Those were glossed over when we first started and put on the back burner.

So, the very short answer to all of this work situation is, I have been on an unplanned sabbatical that I am not being paid for. I haven't drawn unemployment and have been living off of my savings. And, it hasn't been fun. But, I am okay. It has not been totally enjoyable in terms of I miss working. That said, I keep thinking the universe gave me a break. I remind myself is I did a good job saving and am fortunate I have been able to glide along. I own my house outright because my parent's helped me out during the divorce by contributing to the buyout with Xh. The only debt I have is my car. And, I don't have a whole lot of expenses. I got rid of cable TV and just kept internet. My biggest bills are health insurance, the stupid cell phone bill and my yearly property taxes. And, I am not eating Ramen noodles for meals.

I miss my students and teaching. I don't know what the future is going to look like. I have been approached about teaching community classes again and have some possibilities. I guess fortunately I am not working right now. I never could have managed working with the pain, nor would I have been able to take this amount of time to recuperate. And this house disaster would have been a worse nightmare had it happened if I wasn't on hiatus.

I am not going to lie. The fact that I am not working right now scares me long term. But, I remind myself that I am not so proud that I won't take a job that just allows me to pay the bills if I really have to for the short term. I could easily walk back into my MLC gig at the garden center and my former boss would love to have me back working with him.

Right now, I have decided to not focus on those things. I am setting my sights just on this week.

I attempted a walk with the dog. It started out fine, but after an eighth of a mile, I was wiped out. The pain wiped me out for a couple of hours. I am terrified of this surgery and don't want it, but I know that pain and fatigue is a huge motivation for me to go through with it. This cannot continue.

I finally got enough energy to go to the house and work for a little bit. No heavy lifting or big projects.

My M asked if I would be back for dinner. I am grateful she has been keeping on me about eating, but tonight, I really want to cook my own meal in my kitchen. That is my Valentine's Day plans - very exciting  ::)
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« Last Edit: February 14, 2021, 01:06:54 PM by MourningDove »

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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#7: February 15, 2021, 03:33:27 AM
Valentine's Day was a 14 km walk with the dog and home-made Burritos last night so .... I hear you...
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#8: February 15, 2021, 11:12:22 AM
UrsaMajor - Well, hopefully your walk and dinner were enjoyable.  ;)

I made flank steak, stuffed with kalamata olives, spinach, roasted red peppers and feta cheese, served with baby golden potatoes. S and his GF came home and had some of the meal with me, but for the most part it was rather quiet.

I went back to my parent's house and my M is clearly very nervous about this surgery. She bombarded me with all sorts of questions that I have no answers for. I understand her fears and frustrations, but she seemed to be so incredibly irritated with my response of I am only looking a day ahead at the moment.

In a perfect situation, I would have a game plan. Right now, I have so little control over what is going on in my house. They had to come back to remove the tiles that remained and there is one spot on the bathroom wall that is still wet. It is probably from the plaster covering the area before the asbestos was removed and has yet to dry out. They are addressing it this morning and putting another dehumidifier in the space for a couple of days. If that does not work then they will go back to the adjuster and argue the need to remove the outer wall as well.

My contractor doesn't come until tomorrow night. I can't make that happen any faster.

I too find parts of this all very frustrating and in a perfect world, this would never have unfolded this way. In a perfect world, I would not be having to have surgery at all. And on and on. But, that is not the reality. I can only control so much. The extent of my planning way out, was to schedule the post op appointment. Beyond that, I am at the mercy of whatever falls into place at this point.

I did have a wonderful surprise this morning. I arrived at home and thought about what I can accomplish today. My plan was to move some of the items back from the damaged rooms into the spaces that are useable. They may not be unboxed, but I can at least redistribute them enough to make a little bit of a difference. The library, which still needs some of the trim painted, can at least be functional for the time being.

I went down to the laundry room to throw in a load of laundry while I was working. I flipped the light switch on and it took me a moment to process. It was way brighter than it had been and the lights didn't flicker. We had fluorescent light fixtures that I have been wanting replaced for the longest time in that space. The bathroom flooding took care of one of the fixtures, as it was directly under the disaster area. That had been removed by the demolition crew.

Today, it was exceptionally bright in that room. At first I thought it was the sun shining through the small windows, as that can sometimes happen in the morning, but the sun was hiding. I looked up and I saw my Valentine's Day gift from S.

Around Christmastime, I had purchased new streamlined LED fixtures that could run along the basement rafters in the laundry room. S had said he would wire them for me and then we had the disaster. This morning, I realized that S had spent last night replacing the old fixture and wiring the new lights in. The change was fantastic and he had a Cheshire Cat grin on his face when I came back upstairs. I laughed. I am pretty easy to please. He was so proud of himself, he asked me to follow him downstairs so he could show me what he did.

It is the simple things. Every time I came back up the stairs from the laundry room, S would see me smiling. Yah, I am excited about silly LED lights. But, I know it is not the lights as much as S was really busy this weekend, yet he took the time to do something that he knew would make a difference. It helped me to realize that some of these things are just going to have to come in small steps - I don't have the ability to get it all miraculously done right now with all that life has thrown at me. Little bits of progress will get me there.
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#9: February 16, 2021, 12:53:44 AM
UrsaMajor - Well, hopefully your walk and dinner were enjoyable.  ;)

I made flank steak, stuffed with kalamata olives, spinach, roasted red peppers and feta cheese, served with baby golden potatoes. S and his GF came home and had some of the meal with me, but for the most part it was rather quiet.



Yours sounds better than mine, although the kids were all fired up and ate most of the burrito stuff...

I went back to my parent's house and my M is clearly very nervous about this surgery. She bombarded me with all sorts of questions that I have no answers for. I understand her fears and frustrations, but she seemed to be so incredibly irritated with my response of I am only looking a day ahead at the moment.
What are moms for if not to be irritated at the things that they think we should be doing/have under control/have all the answers for when we are otherwise up to our proverbial eyeballs in real life?

You could just look at her and say... "42" <snort>  After all, that IS the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything in it...

It is the simple things. Every time I came back up the stairs from the laundry room, S would see me smiling. Yah, I am excited about silly LED lights. But, I know it is not the lights as much as S was really busy this weekend, yet he took the time to do something that he knew would make a difference. It helped me to realize that some of these things are just going to have to come in small steps - I don't have the ability to get it all miraculously done right now with all that life has thrown at me. Little bits of progress will get me there.

And, to be realistic, there is no NEED to get it all miraculously done right now.... One thing after the other....
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

 

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