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Author Topic: My Story Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5

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My Story Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
OP: February 11, 2021, 06:48:46 AM
I keep wondering when this “storm” actually runs out of rain. The impending surgery has added another layer to life’s challenges and the ongoing demolition is not helping.

Xh has yet to produce the finances for S. I anticipate Xh will at least do that, as it is all he has right now to hold over S’s head. Xh will no doubt do what he does with the support check and will hold out as long as he can, making sure we know who is calling the shots  ::).

I have never been afraid of doing things on my own. Normally, going to doctors appointments and lab work has never bothered me. Other than the biopsy results recently, I have gone on my own many times. Yesterday, it was such a different story.

I reached the hospital and realized how much I hate parking garages. Even though they are open it always feels claustrophobic to me. I am sure it is the low ceilings. If the weather had been better I would have parked on the roof, as that is usually my go to.

I think it in part brought back the feeling I had when I was with D when we had to bring her to another hospital nearby for an emergency and Xh didn’t show up. Both hospitals are in the larger city and while they have great reputations for care and their surgical units, they are also where encountering those more dramatic things like gunshot wounds are not uncommon in the ER. Fortunately, the area I was in was far away from the ER portion of the hospital, unlike the last time.

Yesterday, I was not nervous at first but the sudden reality of how odd this whole Covid protocol makes it even more apparent how alone I feel. Yes, my sister was only a phone call away and a 15 minute drive. I know I will have people to help me, but that reality that no one can wait in the waiting room for me is a bit terrifying.

They normally would keep me overnight but Covid had changed that as well. Now if all goes well, they will send me home 8 hours after the surgery. And in some ways I am grateful for that and in other ways it is a scary thought. But I have faith this doctor won’t shove me out the door if he deems I need a longer stay.

I sat there having all of the pre-op work done and wondered if this will even resolve my issues. What if it doesn’t. Oh, those pesky what if’s. I try so hard not to dabble in those thoughts. In my nervous state which I hid very well, I couldn’t shake those thoughts off.

I was fortunate enough to have really good people guiding me through it all. The one lab tech made me laugh. He shared stories about his adult kids and we laughed as he did all of the necessary work ups. His kindness helped immensely. When I told him having blood drawn sometimes makes me very light headed and nervous due to a lab tech many years ago having multiple misses he was very sensitive to my nerves. He joked he was going to stand way out of the way so I didn’t slap him when he drew the blood samples. I burst out laughing and told him he had nothing to worry about considering I have never slapped my xh and he has given me plenty of reasons to want to.  :D He thought that was quite funny.

I left with all of my necessary paperwork for the surgery and could have gone right home but called my sister instead. She was getting ready to take my nephew to his personal training session for basketball. I decided to ride along and keep her company.

My nephew and I talked about his love of basketball. He is only 13 but he has found his sport of choice. He liked baseball and was exceptionally good at it. But basketball is honestly more suited for him. He told me about his new healthy diet but I had to laugh when he told me he does still eat junk food sometimes, just now he eats things like salads and he has grown to love avocados. Made me laugh. An avocado would not have been even an option before then. He explained his training sessions and how he is trying out for the modified team today.

My sisiter had me go with her to pick out a bottle of wine for her husband for Valentine’s Day. We had fun and didn’t talk about anything heavy. I needed a little normal.

On the way back to her house, after picking my nephew up he overheard the plans for how I would be dropped off by my sister the day of surgery and she would be sure to pick me up with BIL’s SUV in the afternoon since hers would be impossible to get into after surgery. My nephew stopped our conversation and hadn’t been told I was staying with them for a few days. He said not to worry because he was home on vacation and he would help. He then asked if I felt good enough could we do some drawings and could he hang out with me when I was awake. I wanted to cry. My own kids would have done the same and are helping but they have their college classes to worry about.

As I drove home I thought about how fortunate I am. My BIL it seems was quick to tell my sister I could stay as long as I needed to. It is a disruption to their own routines and lives and yet there wasn’t even a hesitation. My sister had said my BIL knows I would do the same for both of them.

The drive home calmed me down a great deal. I took the long way home and drove by the lake. Many months ago looking at that lake made me want to just dive into the cold water to numb the pain. It is nice to no longer feel that way and instead new memories came to the surface. Like having been at that same lake a year ago almost to the day. Those memories made me smile.

Not sure when this “storm” ends. Hopefully soon I will at least be able to jump in the mud puddles once I feel better.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11664.0
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« Last Edit: February 11, 2021, 07:10:00 AM by Thunder »

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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#1: February 11, 2021, 07:47:28 AM
Following along.... It is too cold here to jump into puddles at the moment though... but the sun is shining....
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Me - 58, xW - 50
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S - 14, D - 10
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#2: February 11, 2021, 04:16:49 PM
Attaching.

Your nephew is so sweet.  I'm glad that you have your sister's family for your upcoming recovery.
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#3: February 13, 2021, 11:59:49 AM
UrsaMajor - I should have rethought that original post. Here too, it has been too cold for puddles. If I jumped on any "puddles" they probably would resulted in the opposite of a graceful glide on what would be a patch of ice. But, I am going to be on a bit of a hiatus from puddle jumping for awhile, so maybe by the time I am all healed I can make up by splashing around in puddles with warmer weather.  ;)

FaithWalker - My nephew was a tiny terror for years. He is full of energy, but he has grown up so much and he always was a cuddly kid. He and I have always been close, but it is different now. His maturity is showing through and he really is a very loving, caring kid. My niece is too, but it is different. He is really very sensitive to other's feelings.

When he tried out for the basketball team this week he asked my sister if she would pick him up instead of the usual carpooling that his "pod" of friends do. She asked why. Her thought was he might be disappointed if he didn't make the team, as they were notified by letter the night of. His response was, he would feel bad if he didn't make it, but also if one of his friends didn't make the team and the others did, he felt it was best to not make that notification a group event. He was very sensitive to his one friend in particular who is the smallest of all of them. The boys in his group all ended up making the team, so it ended well, but it struck me that he was really thoughtful about how that might play out - excited kids opening letters on the long way home. It is part of life, but still, for a 13 year old to think that out was pretty amazing to me.

And, now I will be having to make good on my promise that once the pandemic ends and life goes back to some sense of normal, that I will be taking him to college basketball games at my alma mater. And, I am more than okay with that. I haven't been in years, and I loved watching the games from the stands. "March Madness" was great fun to watch live. For now, I am sure he will be piling on the guest bed with me to watch games if they are on while I am at their house. I have already told him that I need to have him reintroduce me to all the proper rules and regulations.  ;)

It has been an exhausting few days. I have done more driving in the past week than in months. After the day of lab work, the next day, was an updated set of ultrasounds for the surgery. Yesterday, I met with the surgeon for pre -op questions. This morning, the required Covid test. And in that mix, I fit in a few hours of work at the gallery yesterday. It was so much less than I normally would have done in a day, but with this current physical situation, that was draining.

I chose to take a very long drive on the way home and started out on the same route I had gone the other day along the lake. I opted to stay on the lake road and go farther to see the lighthouse. It has been a long time since I have been there and I figured I will be keeping close to home for a long while after the surgery, so I might not get to see the ice build up on the pier. It was frigid and the water was this dark, almost ominous blue, but the sun was out and the snow and ice glistened. It was stunning. It was mesmerizing and I was getting ready to take some pictures when my phone rang.

S had called to tell me he had made it home safely. We laughed a little about the new "primitive chic" bathroom we have going on. The plaster is all gone and just the outer walls and the lathe remain. S had the same reaction I had the other night though. It was actually freeing. A feeling of being able to see the possibilities and where we are moving in a new direction now that it is nearly done. They will be back to remove a couple of last things that the original crew had on their list, but we both can see possibilities now. Not sure others would see it that way, but I felt way more calm once they did the walk through the other night and unveiled the stripped room. The tub - long gone. There is nothing but a blank slate now. I can see how that space could function much more efficiently now.

The conversation was easy with S and then I asked if he had found out anything about his tuition that is due. He hesitated. I could feel the calm leaving my body. That hesitation made my body tense up as if to prepare for an attack. I was anticipating an Xh story. Oh, and was it - LOL

So, originally S said he called Xh on Wednesday to follow up with their earlier conversation. S had checked with financial aid before calling Xh to find out whether or not Xh had in fact contributed his portion. S said he called Xh and asked him if he planned on contributing this semester and could he let S know the amount so I could plan accordingly. No where in that request was "M says you have to pay it all". Nope. And, earlier in the week, I had approached it with S that if he could pursue that it would be a huge load off of my mind, since there is a lot going on in my life. Just give me the final number. That I could deal with. Besides, in the back of my mind was not wanting to let Xh off the hook. It wasn't that difficult to figure out what his share was - it was a round number and not a huge amount of money this semester. Xh flipped on S.

So, it would seem he originally said to S that he was not going to put his money in until I did. S said fine, but could he still give S a figure so I could make that happen. S had to call him back because Xh hadn't gotten back to him. This was Wednesday night. S said to me yesterday before we continued with this insane conversation that had I not heard from Xh? Nope. I told S I don't have him blocked on my phone and I passed him on my way home on Thursday, he looked right at me. I have not heard a peep from him. No emails. No texts. Not by carrier pigeon or with smoke signals - not a single letter of the alphabet has been exchanged. S was exasperated and started muttering under his breath about how Xh had an epic meltdown and went into a huge tirade how he was going to call me and give it to me. Hmmmm - why?

It would seem that Xh told S that he did not want S to be kicked out of college this semester for unpaid tuition, so he paid the entire balance on his own. He was going to contact me to ream me out. S said he told Xh that I never said I expected him to pay it all.

So, I took a deep breath and calmly told S that I will not be contacting Xh. He chose to pay this final balance on his own. That is his choice. Furthermore, if he does call to scream at me, he will meet my very stubborn, nasty side. I can handle talking to an adult and discussing things. I might have even considered paying him back my part, but under the circumstances, I don't think that will be necessary. He chose to do that and frankly, if push comes to shove, it is only a fraction of what is owed to me for the many bills I have paid for D over the past 5 years. I told S that since Xh pays nothing for D, and I am not supposed to know about this "secret account" for D,  I have all the more reason to play stupid. If he gets nasty with me, he will be told exactly what is owed down to the penny, and he can consider this a down payment that I will take off the balance.

S knows I have no desire to go back into court and expend energy with Xh and this BS. Just leave me alone and let me rebuild my life.

Before I hung up, S said maybe we could add a percentage to that for the insurance bill that fortunately is being covered by his stupid mistake. I laughed and said yes, I am sure he would love to see an invoice for the now $30K mess. We had a good laugh.

After he hung up, I no longer had a desire to go shoot photos and the magic of that scene was just broken. But, I also did not let it eat me up. I was going down that path. I had a moment of somehow feeling bad that Xh paid that bill on his own. Then I reminded myself that a person who truly wanted to be an adult would have called to discuss it with me. He has skipped out on his responsibilities and I have no reason to feel guilty, nor do I feel like I owe him some phone call. Yup, he will be able to use this as a way to feel like a hero on one hand and play the victim. Whatever. That is a pretty sad existence. I have bigger worries than his own choices. And, it was a choice he made.

I dare him to take me to court over it - LOL. Wonder how that would play out? I may not be quick to take him to court, but it is another thing to push me to that point. I don't do well when feeling attacked. That kicks in that very stubborn side of me. I forgot at one point how to protect myself and I was lucky to have someone continually remind me that it was okay for me to protect the kids and I. Now, I am not that same person who was so beat down by the MLCer. Xh, if he is smart, will recognize that and he knows if pushed way too far, I will show that fierce, stubborn side. The side that would show up with documents at court that will make his head spin. I will prepare for that possibility, but I am not going to push that button on my own. I don't want to. I want to focus on my own life, not engaging with the MLCer.

Now, do I think Xh will contact me? Hmmm. A few days have passed. I think on the one hand he knows. Or, if he follows his usual pattern, he will wait to rile me up before my surgery. THAT will be a huge mistake and I am hoping he knows that is the case.

I really do want the MLCer to just leave me the "F" alone. His interactions no longer enrich my life like they once did. Not interested.
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« Last Edit: February 13, 2021, 12:11:05 PM by MourningDove »

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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#4: February 13, 2021, 01:08:48 PM
Following along MourningDove. Hope all goes well with the surgery.
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#5: February 13, 2021, 04:36:09 PM
Still tagging along with you, MD. 

I missed the date of your surgery but it must be coming up this next week.  Sending you good thoughts and vibes. 

Glad to read that S is able to continue his education even if MLCer made of mess of the financial end of it. 

Are you on leave from your position or are you working from home?
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#6: February 14, 2021, 12:43:43 PM
PJ Ames and stillbaffled - Thank you.  :)

Surgery is on Thursday, bright and early. The surgeon joked I was his first customer. I have to be there by 6 a.m. for the 8 a.m. surgery.

I was thinking about this thing with Xh. I simply could tell him if he does contact me that he has met this semester's finances for D. Then he only behind 5 semesters and 5 years of medical, etc reimbursements.  ::) Besides, my gut tells me he will use this as his set up to not give his usual additional money or he will make sure S knows HE paid for the semester. It fuels his need for being the victim.

I had attributed so much of the pain from sitting long hours in front of the computer, along with the mental fatigue to teaching online exclusively. When I was done for the Spring semester, I got back to walking and the like, and the pain just got progressively worse, along with some other symptoms that I thought were menopause setting in. Unexplained weight gain and a complete lack of appetite. But, I wasn't having mood swings or hot flashes. More along the lines with my body being just completely out of sync. Then the pain started to intensify and looking back, it has been going on for just about a year.

My plans for the 2020 summer had included a couple of weeks in Europe and another trip right on the heels of that, to start. I had saved up money to make that happen. I had been so busy worried about my students, I didn't track the fact that the high school was delayed in paying me by weeks due to a paperwork glitch from switching to remote. In many ways, I have been fortunate that this happened the way it did.

Fall rolled around and the college enrollment plummeted. My job no longer exists at the moment. I am not the only one in this predicament. One of the local colleges is reporting a $10 million dollar shortfall in their budget for next year. S mentioned that normally there are over 2,000 students living on campus at his college. This semester enrollment is up slightly, and there are 500 students who are living on campus. Which is why I have told many prospective students that they should look into going to some of these private institutions who have endowments - they are hurting for students and like it or not it is a business. Students have potentially more options at the moment.

The university where I was covering for maternity leave, there too, they are hurting. Classes were consolidated.

The high school program - that is a whole other story. They fell into just where 3 of us said they would. We warned the former administration that there were issues with the structure of the program that would need to be addressed at some point. It had to do with some hiccups that really needed to be reviewed. I was in discussions with the principal prior to Covid about addressing the concerns. The 3 of us that had concerns fell right where we thought we would - without jobs when the state came back in a pandemic and reviewed things. So, they adjusted for this year and our positions are all in limbo. In simplest terms it is an issue with how colleges are certified and how schools are certified and meshing the two should be simple, but there are different rules that make no sense logically, but they are still rules. Those were glossed over when we first started and put on the back burner.

So, the very short answer to all of this work situation is, I have been on an unplanned sabbatical that I am not being paid for. I haven't drawn unemployment and have been living off of my savings. And, it hasn't been fun. But, I am okay. It has not been totally enjoyable in terms of I miss working. That said, I keep thinking the universe gave me a break. I remind myself is I did a good job saving and am fortunate I have been able to glide along. I own my house outright because my parent's helped me out during the divorce by contributing to the buyout with Xh. The only debt I have is my car. And, I don't have a whole lot of expenses. I got rid of cable TV and just kept internet. My biggest bills are health insurance, the stupid cell phone bill and my yearly property taxes. And, I am not eating Ramen noodles for meals.

I miss my students and teaching. I don't know what the future is going to look like. I have been approached about teaching community classes again and have some possibilities. I guess fortunately I am not working right now. I never could have managed working with the pain, nor would I have been able to take this amount of time to recuperate. And this house disaster would have been a worse nightmare had it happened if I wasn't on hiatus.

I am not going to lie. The fact that I am not working right now scares me long term. But, I remind myself that I am not so proud that I won't take a job that just allows me to pay the bills if I really have to for the short term. I could easily walk back into my MLC gig at the garden center and my former boss would love to have me back working with him.

Right now, I have decided to not focus on those things. I am setting my sights just on this week.

I attempted a walk with the dog. It started out fine, but after an eighth of a mile, I was wiped out. The pain wiped me out for a couple of hours. I am terrified of this surgery and don't want it, but I know that pain and fatigue is a huge motivation for me to go through with it. This cannot continue.

I finally got enough energy to go to the house and work for a little bit. No heavy lifting or big projects.

My M asked if I would be back for dinner. I am grateful she has been keeping on me about eating, but tonight, I really want to cook my own meal in my kitchen. That is my Valentine's Day plans - very exciting  ::)
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« Last Edit: February 14, 2021, 01:06:54 PM by MourningDove »

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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#7: February 15, 2021, 03:33:27 AM
Valentine's Day was a 14 km walk with the dog and home-made Burritos last night so .... I hear you...
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
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BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
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Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#8: February 15, 2021, 11:12:22 AM
UrsaMajor - Well, hopefully your walk and dinner were enjoyable.  ;)

I made flank steak, stuffed with kalamata olives, spinach, roasted red peppers and feta cheese, served with baby golden potatoes. S and his GF came home and had some of the meal with me, but for the most part it was rather quiet.

I went back to my parent's house and my M is clearly very nervous about this surgery. She bombarded me with all sorts of questions that I have no answers for. I understand her fears and frustrations, but she seemed to be so incredibly irritated with my response of I am only looking a day ahead at the moment.

In a perfect situation, I would have a game plan. Right now, I have so little control over what is going on in my house. They had to come back to remove the tiles that remained and there is one spot on the bathroom wall that is still wet. It is probably from the plaster covering the area before the asbestos was removed and has yet to dry out. They are addressing it this morning and putting another dehumidifier in the space for a couple of days. If that does not work then they will go back to the adjuster and argue the need to remove the outer wall as well.

My contractor doesn't come until tomorrow night. I can't make that happen any faster.

I too find parts of this all very frustrating and in a perfect world, this would never have unfolded this way. In a perfect world, I would not be having to have surgery at all. And on and on. But, that is not the reality. I can only control so much. The extent of my planning way out, was to schedule the post op appointment. Beyond that, I am at the mercy of whatever falls into place at this point.

I did have a wonderful surprise this morning. I arrived at home and thought about what I can accomplish today. My plan was to move some of the items back from the damaged rooms into the spaces that are useable. They may not be unboxed, but I can at least redistribute them enough to make a little bit of a difference. The library, which still needs some of the trim painted, can at least be functional for the time being.

I went down to the laundry room to throw in a load of laundry while I was working. I flipped the light switch on and it took me a moment to process. It was way brighter than it had been and the lights didn't flicker. We had fluorescent light fixtures that I have been wanting replaced for the longest time in that space. The bathroom flooding took care of one of the fixtures, as it was directly under the disaster area. That had been removed by the demolition crew.

Today, it was exceptionally bright in that room. At first I thought it was the sun shining through the small windows, as that can sometimes happen in the morning, but the sun was hiding. I looked up and I saw my Valentine's Day gift from S.

Around Christmastime, I had purchased new streamlined LED fixtures that could run along the basement rafters in the laundry room. S had said he would wire them for me and then we had the disaster. This morning, I realized that S had spent last night replacing the old fixture and wiring the new lights in. The change was fantastic and he had a Cheshire Cat grin on his face when I came back upstairs. I laughed. I am pretty easy to please. He was so proud of himself, he asked me to follow him downstairs so he could show me what he did.

It is the simple things. Every time I came back up the stairs from the laundry room, S would see me smiling. Yah, I am excited about silly LED lights. But, I know it is not the lights as much as S was really busy this weekend, yet he took the time to do something that he knew would make a difference. It helped me to realize that some of these things are just going to have to come in small steps - I don't have the ability to get it all miraculously done right now with all that life has thrown at me. Little bits of progress will get me there.
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#9: February 16, 2021, 12:53:44 AM
UrsaMajor - Well, hopefully your walk and dinner were enjoyable.  ;)

I made flank steak, stuffed with kalamata olives, spinach, roasted red peppers and feta cheese, served with baby golden potatoes. S and his GF came home and had some of the meal with me, but for the most part it was rather quiet.



Yours sounds better than mine, although the kids were all fired up and ate most of the burrito stuff...

I went back to my parent's house and my M is clearly very nervous about this surgery. She bombarded me with all sorts of questions that I have no answers for. I understand her fears and frustrations, but she seemed to be so incredibly irritated with my response of I am only looking a day ahead at the moment.
What are moms for if not to be irritated at the things that they think we should be doing/have under control/have all the answers for when we are otherwise up to our proverbial eyeballs in real life?

You could just look at her and say... "42" <snort>  After all, that IS the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything in it...

It is the simple things. Every time I came back up the stairs from the laundry room, S would see me smiling. Yah, I am excited about silly LED lights. But, I know it is not the lights as much as S was really busy this weekend, yet he took the time to do something that he knew would make a difference. It helped me to realize that some of these things are just going to have to come in small steps - I don't have the ability to get it all miraculously done right now with all that life has thrown at me. Little bits of progress will get me there.

And, to be realistic, there is no NEED to get it all miraculously done right now.... One thing after the other....
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

M
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#10: February 16, 2021, 04:35:31 PM
UrsaMajor - LOL - yes that is about the expression I had all day with those lights. They make me so happy. They are very simple, functional lights, not like a chandelier or special fixture, but they are such an improvement over the flickering, temperamental fluorescents that had been down there.

IDK, a burrito, if done properly is very tasty. I do suggest Sangria or a Margarita with it though.  ;D

If I said "42" to my M she might give me the death stare. She has not been in a playful mood ATM. LOL

My sister came down to visit yesterday at my request. My sister has been good about pitching in when I now ask for help. I put her and D on lining up my parent's COVID vaccinations. I had started to help both of them, but I have too much on my own plate to try and think clearly, so they happily took it over and because they work in a similar manner, it was very efficient. Of course, when my sister told my parents that they would be going to one of the larger cities, both of them grumbled. My sister stood her ground, which was good, as it allowed her to get them in at the same time and she and D have said they will drive both of them there. End of discussion. They have both settled into the decision and are content with it, but my sister saw the resistance.

She also helped my M get her mind off of things by helping my M do some deep cleaning and tasks like rotating their Persian rug in their living room. My M faithfully used to do that every season, but she and my F cannot manage it on their own anymore. She was thrilled to have that done and my sister researched with her where to get it professionally cleaned in the spring, as it needs some minor repairs and a good deep cleaning.

I worked on the library today and made it more functional. I still have the trim to paint, but figured if I settled a room that maybe it wouldn't feel so overwhelming. I can roll the area rug up and work on touching up the trim when I feel better. It felt good to feel like one space in the house is at least on it's way to being completed. I had decided to swap out the rug in the den with the new one I had in the library. It somehow didn't work the way I envisioned, but moving them around made a huge impact. The one that was in the den was a bit larger and so it now touches the library walls, but it is very cozy and I am okay with it in this situation.

The contractor showed up earlier than I had anticipated. He looked at the bathroom and said my idea for moving things is not only doable, but makes perfect sense. He is also the zoning officer, thankfully and knows all the rules and regulations that have to be followed. The window - not an issue, except it will need to be tempered glass and he will order an obscured glass for it. It will be a vinyl window and they will put the proper waterproof trim around it to help with the moisture. The only part of the job he cannot do is the heat run, but that I think I can get help with moving.

I know he is booked way out and when I said I could work within whatever time frame or in between jobs, that would be fine. I will do the finish work, but he said he can easily fit in the different pieces for me. As we talked, I mentioned my priorities right now and he smiled and called one of his crew. He got off the phone and said he will be here tomorrow to install the toilet first thing in the morning for me. As soon as the heater is moved, we can install the tub and then we will work away at the different areas. I joked with him that I appreciated him taking pity on me. He reminded me of how many times I helped him out when we were working together in high school and college. I guess it pays to be nice.

I am so grateful he is willing to help me out. I know this is a huge favor he is doing for me by rescuing me. He doesn't need the additional projects as such - considering he is booked for huge renovation jobs until the end of the summer like all of the other contractors around.

I told my sister that it seems so ridiculous, but this toilet has been such a concern. Showering is an easier solution and I can go to my parent's house in the short term, but not having a functioning bathroom even in the most basic sense was going to really put a monkey wrench into being able to come home to recuperate. Now, I can at least be home most of the day and the dog can come back home. D will be able to move back as well.

I have to get some more work done on D's room, but that too will go quickly. Tomorrow, I will focus on packing and getting ready to have my surgery. I am nervous about it all, but I know it has to happen.

S called to tell me he will be coming home early on Thursday, as he can work remotely this Friday. That will be a huge help and D is glad to have him home with her.

Now, the question is going to be -not that I am really too worried about in the grand scheme - but I wonder if the support check comes this month at all or is Xh going to try and ding me on that. And if he does write out a check, will he return to his routine of putting the wrong name on it again? Hmmm.

In the grand scheme - I really am not too worried. I will be focusing on my "spa vacation" at my sister's house. I have already been informed by my nephew that he makes really good smoothies and he knows how to work the coffee maker.  :)
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#11: February 17, 2021, 03:20:17 AM
Hey, it is "only" the 17th of the month.... and the check is "only" due on the 1st..... Why change things now?  I'm guessing it has "slipped his mind" at the moment since he has been harassing S and stiffing D.... again... as usual.... or he'll claim he paid it via S's tuition....

I am glad that 1) Sis is now running interference with Mom... and 2) that Sis and D have gotten them lined up to get jabbed... That takes a couple of balls out of your juggling rotation...

The new Bath idea sounds good... I am guessing that the window needs to be tempered glass due to the proximity of humans and potentially the thermal shock of having warm/hot water splashed on a cold window ... Tempered glass is MUCH harder to break than normal glass but when it does, unless it is safety glass like a car, it goes off like a grenade.... If you've ever managed to break a Corning Glass Oven dish, you know what I mean... and the frosted glass will keep the bath private...



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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#12: February 17, 2021, 08:23:44 AM
UrsaMajor - LOL. That is true. Xh does like to stretch those due dates.  ::) I am going to be very curious to see if he pays it at all and says he paid it with S's tuition.

In order for the window to be up to code, it must be tempered glass, which makes perfect sense. I wasn't thinking about the heat aspect, as much as the safety of if someone were to fall and crash through the window.

I have managed to break a Corning Glass Oven dish. And I have also had the experience of breaking a rear window in a car (and no, not by going all country girl and swinging a bat at it)  ::). I broke a rear windshield when a buckle from a piece of luggage wedged itself between the window and the trunk lid. I didn't see it in time and shut the trunk. The popping sound was unbelievable and all the people around me thought they needed to duck for cover.

This morning I was out the door at 6 am to go to the home improvement store. I arrived and thought it was still closed. It was so insanely quiet and I was the only customer in there at the time. I picked out the toilet and then took a walk down the tub aisle. I can't have that installed yet, but I figured I would see what was there. They had one model of the exact tub I had been looking at left and it was marked down to make room for the newest model of the same tub. It was for a left drain, which is what I need and they gave me a discount for it being the last one. I saved $75, so that was a good way to start the morning. I have to have it delivered or have S pick it up this weekend, but that is one more thing off the list. I will deal with shower fixtures later.

The contractor was here early and he believes even with moving the plumbing he can have the toilet in place by noon today.

I was thinking this morning how humbling this has been in many ways. I realize it has been a headache and stressful, but I also am so aware of how fortunate I am. I have had a place to stay while this has been going on. Oh sure, it has not been easy, but it is still something I am grateful for. I was able to get the electric, heat and water back on, so it was not a complete disaster. What stuck me though is I know some people don't have half of what I have. Yes, I have worked hard to maintain it, but I also know from so many of my students that some people don't have control over their circumstances.

I thought about one of my students from a few years back whose parents disappeared. He moved in with his grandmother and she worked 2 jobs to make sure he had what he needed. It was about this time of year when the hot water line burst in their house. He tried to fix it himself, but was unable to and they were saving up money to pay for the costly repair. He never complained and in fact, pitched in to help his grandmother by getting a job on top of his own school day. He put up with frigid cold showers for weeks until one of the other teachers got wind of the situation and went over on a weekend to repair the pipe.

This whole thing has been a huge inconvenience but I am so grateful the contractor was able to find time to at least start this rebuild today. It is not how I envisioned a home renovation. LOL.

I worked quite late last night, packing and making sure I have everything I am going to need for the surgery. When I went to bed, I felt this overwhelming sense of not wanting to go through with this whole event. And, I really wondered if it is going to be worth it. It didn't take long for me to get my answer. Within a couple of hours, I was doubled over in pain and I know this is what has to happen. My F reminded me that he felt that way when he had to have his hip replacement surgery. He was in agony beforehand, but right after the surgery, he said the pain he was experiencing from the surgery was more manageable than the pain prior. I keep telling myself that may be the case here. I have to believe this will help and it is just going to take some time to heal and by the warmer weather maybe I will be back walking my 5 mile walks. Something to look forward to.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#13: February 17, 2021, 08:45:48 AM
Tuck us all virtually in your metaphorical pocket, Mourning....we are cheering you on  :)
Perhaps a bit like MLC lol, we adapt around pain more than we know until we get to have the joy of normal life without it again....listen to your wise F, young lady!  ;D
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#14: February 17, 2021, 08:53:01 AM
Mourning, I hope things going well with your upcoming surgery and can feel your anxiety surrounding it.  Things haven’t been easy recently but hopefully once this is behind you, things can begin to come back together positively for you!  Ou most certainly deserve it!  Take care, follow recovery instructions and know there is a plan for you!  Prayers for a successful surgery and recovery!  Hang in there! 
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#15: February 18, 2021, 05:50:48 AM
Another way to look at it is that, if you do NOT do this, you know it will continue and get worse the way it is. If you DO go through with it, there is an exceedingly high probability that, once the pain of the surgery itself is past, what you are currently experiencing will be gone.... Seems like a decent ROI with an acceptable risk factor... and a positive outcome...

Besides... You must


<insert groan here>

Have to try to send you off with a laugh...
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#16: February 20, 2021, 04:55:53 AM
The day before my surgery the contractor hit a bit of a snag on the toilet installation due to some of the new plumbing issues. But, he was able to get it all installed before I had to leave for my sister's. I found out from his worker that they had fit my simple project in because my contractor was insistent that I was taken care of. Unbeknownst to me, he is in the middle of a huge home renovation job way north of where I live and had been going back and forth to help me out.

It was funny because I haven't seen him in years, at least not other than out and about and when he showed up at the house, he right away called me the nickname he had for me in college. We were always friends and it was comforting to be called that friendly nickname. He is happily married and has 2 grown kids. I am happy for him and oh so grateful for his help. He was always a kind hearted, thoughtful guy. My toilet was such a little request when he is so incredibly booked solid with larger paying jobs. He did it because he knew how it impacted mine and my kids' lives. That is just him in general. He is true to his good core. That always gives me hope that and reminds me there are good people out there.

So, the kids were very excited to come home and at least see some progress. S laughed at the new toilet in the now very rustic, stud bare room. But, both kids can now see the potential and D has relaxed a bit. It so inspired both of them, I have been getting updates on the things they are doing to help move things forward. They have taken charge of figuring out how to help settle some of the areas.

I arrived at my sister's on Wednesday night and was in absolute agony. My sister drove me in the wee hours to the hospital and as I walked into the check in area, I felt blessed to have her nearby, but nervous being alone for all of the procedure. It was such an odd feeling.

They had told me that normally they keep people 23 hours after a hysterectomy, but with Covid they are pushing people out quicker, as long as they meet certain thresholds. The average time was 8 hours after the surgery, but if certain benchmarks could be met, then they could release earlier. I was hoping to get out of there as soon as I could.

The staff was incredible and the surgeon came to see me before the procedure, which of course is normal. He was funny and reviewed things. It was so different from the other patient that was next to me. I heard his doctor come in and clearly he had never even met the surgeon doing his procedure. It is so hard not to hear what is going on. While I couldn't see the guy, I heard the whole conversation, as I am sure he did mine. But, what struck me was the different approach and how clinical it all was, where this surgeon doing my procedure was not sugar coating anything, but he eased my anxiety some.

When we went into the operating room, he introduced everyone and joked that most of the tools were props - and they were just to make them look more important. He held my hand the whole time before I was put out and told me stories about his wife and how she had a bowl of plastic lemons that she bought that fooled him.

The staff contacted my sister and then she said the doctor called and talked to her at length.

When I woke up, I felt tender but noticed immediately I was not in agony. I chalked it up to the medications I was on. I had the surgery at 8 am and was out by 10. I was released at 4:20. I was able to walk down the hall by myself at that time and hit all their benchmarks at an earlier time than normal. They held me there for the minimum required time and said I could go back to my sister's unless I felt otherwise. I was more than happy to be dressed and out of the hospital.

My sister picked me up and laughed when I asked her if she could pick me up a cup of coffee. I shocked her when I walked into the house and sat down. She noted I was a bit puffy from the surgery, but I was less bloated than I had been before the surgery and I actually looked better than I had before going in. I laughed and said I wasn't sure that was a compliment.  ::)

I climbed the stairs at her house and was still convinced it was the medicine they had me on because it didn't hurt like before.

Turns out, it wasn't the meds. I haven't had to rely on the heavy pain medications at all and the pain I have now is just tenderness from the incisions and a bit of muscle pain. I have been tired, but the fatigue is not the same. I have been sleeping well and feel so much better.

My biggest problem is going to be - over doing it. I already know that because I am feeling that much better, that having to be mindful and not lift more than 20 lbs for 4 weeks minimum and to be mindful of doing much of anything is going to be incredibly tough. And, I know I have to be careful. The surgeon reminded me of what can happen if I don't . So, even now, I am fighting the urge to do more than I should. I catch myself and am reminding myself not to push too much.

Staying at my sister's has been a huge relief. I have been reading and there is not pressure to hang out all the time with everyone. My sister is a care taker, but she is not hovering. She and I have had some nice talks and it has been good for the both of us too.

Today, I did offer to help my sister repair a lamp that she inherited. She was going to send out the lamp to have a new plug put on it and I laughed at her. I told her that was well within her capabilities to rewire a lamp. So, today, I will show her that trick. She is pretty excited about it, tbh. I told her I won't deal with running electric in a house, but I do dare to put a new plug and socket in a lamp.

I will be anxious to return home, but for now, this is where I need to be. D will pick me up on Tuesday and that will give me time to have more time to spend at my sister's "spa retreat". I don't know the last time where I have had time to truly just focus on me.

My sister did bring up an interesting point. She noted that Xh started to behave differently towards me when the kids were born. He had been the baby of his family and his M took off with his sibling who was just 13 months older than him after the divorce. I guess I hadn't thought about how much that affected him until after she and I talked about it yesterday.

He had been a wonderful doting F to the kids. But, the dynamic did change between us. I just chalked it up to the changes in our lives with kids arriving. But, my sister was right. It wasn't a huge leap and it isn't that he wasn't attentive towards me, but there was a bit of resentment that was starting to build. I was giving attention to the kids. Not all of my attention, because my sister said if anything I was always last. I made sure I gave him attention, but he complained he was not getting any attendant or I put him last. He was less attentive towards me. And she is right.

And looking back, it all sort of started when S was born. S was colicky the first 9 months of his life. He had his days and nights messed up and I had gone back to work full time. I was drained. I had nothing to give anyone much. Xh was thoughtful, and caring, but there was a resentment that built in him. And it never went away. It was never the same.

My sister and I said it all goes back to had he gotten therapy for the abandonment issues early on, maybe none of this nonsense would have occurred. IDK

It doesn't matter and I am no longer upset. Maybe it is just realizing that so much of this was not anything I was going to cure. And, now just makes me realize that the longer it would have gone on that I probably wouldn't have been able to take much more of his changing temperament anyways. He was never going to face his demons and probably never will at this rate. That would have been a difficult marriage to survive.

My sister told me that she thought the world of him for so long, but he just wasn't strong enough to pull through to deal with the issues.

I have watched my sister and her H. Last night, they had their disagreements and yet, they always pull through. At bed time, I could hear them in their daughter's room - with nephew in tow. They were all piled on my niece's bed and laughing. It didn't upset me, although I do miss those moments. I was actually thinking about my own kids and how we still have those moments. Xh may not be there, but the kids and I have maintained that closeness. And, my kids have become closer and are working through things together. The other day they had a squabble, but figured it out without my intervention.

Life kicks me, but I am fortunate and I do realize that. I also realize I am not alone. My sister was there for me as are many others in so many ways. D is realizing that she too has back up. When I was in surgery, she was struggling - fearing I too would leave her somehow and she had a long conversation with my sister, that D revealed to me yesterday. D said she realized that my sister and other's are there even when I can't be. She also reached out to one of her professors, who she had last semester and had support there. D is learning it is okay to ask for help and that is a good thing.

Today's goal is to try and take a walk down the street and see if I can make it a ways without feeling like I am done for the day. Hopefully, the weather cooperates. I need to get outside. I miss my walks so much.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#17: February 20, 2021, 09:30:32 AM
So glad for your update. I was watching for the past two days knowing that you were going in on Thursday. I hope this gives you a new lease on life and that the renovations in your house also provides a new energy for you.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#18: February 21, 2021, 05:29:37 PM
I've also been looking for an update post. 

Glad to read that the surgery went well and that you seem to be well on the way to recovery.   
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#19: February 22, 2021, 12:57:11 AM
Good "Mourning" Dove! (OK, you can hit me for the pun later when you are fully recovered - you'll just have to catch me first <snort!>)

I am SO glad to read the update and to know that everything seems to have been fully successful.... Making sure that you follow the doctor's orders on lifting and overdoing is crucial... but you know that... I do, however, suspect that you might need the occasional reminder and possibly the odd 2x4 to ensure that you do NOT overdo it... 4 weeks.. that is all just 4 short weeks....

The renovations sound like they are rolling along, despite the occasional hiccup... That is good.

I wonder how many of these MLC'ers have had similar trigger points that kicks off their abandonment fears when kids come on the scene (at least for the male Mid-Lifers).... The female Mid-Lifers seem to either abandon their own kids or glom onto them like a drowning person to a stick....

Regardless, enjoy "Spa Sis" and the attention while it lasts!

{{{{{HUG}}}}}
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#20: February 22, 2021, 01:32:12 PM
Thank you, Reinventing, stillbaffled & UrsaMajor.  :)

I am feeling a little better, although I am tender and have been rather dizzy the past couple of days. I am still able to manage the pain with just over-the-counter pain killers and not having to rely on the heavy duty meds.

I was out with my sister for an hour this morning and came back feeling wiped out, but the time out of the house was a good change of pace and I need to get exercise. My sister's first college degree was in food science and she was a diet technician for years - so she is on top of making sure I am eating the right things to heal.

I have been resting this afternoon and D came in between her classes. It is her normal routine on Mondays, as she comes to my sister's between classes to work on homework before her night class.

I haven't seen D since last week, so she was surprised how much better I look already.

I will go home tomorrow mid-morning with D when she is finished with her PT appointment. I am anxious to go home. It has been good to be at my sister's for a few days, as it has allowed me to really rest.

My M called today to let me know that my F had gotten the mail and put it in my house, but there was a letter for Xh. It was from the county court - a jury summons. My M wanted to know if I wanted to call Xh and let him know it was there for him. I found myself feeling rather annoyed. My answer was simple - to write return to sender on it. My M did not understand why I couldn't find it in my heart to call him or text him. My question to her was, why?

I don't want him to get into trouble, but come on - he left 5 years ago. He didn't want me to have his address and had such a fit over it.

I do have his 2 addresses. His home address and his PO Box, but not because he gave it to me.

If he and I had a different relationship, maybe I would contact him. But, I have no reason to want to contact him.

My comment to my M was he made such a big deal about how he was not going to let me know where he lived and how he was going to be independent, etc. He has had more than enough time to make these modifications. He should have been an adult and left a forwarding address with the post office. Why is it my responsibility to chase after him?

Nope - I am not feeling that helpful. He is lucky I am wiling to even send it back, but then I also am not one to mess with someone else's mail. Oh wait, that is OW's specialty.  ::) LOL
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#21: February 22, 2021, 04:05:22 PM
Great to see that your spunk is outweighing the funk. Let the healing begin!

Please oh please don´t try lifting heavy stuff- a hemorrhage would put a huge damper on 2021 AND prolong the healing. If you´re itching to do something, make a list instead and you know that the task will be waiting for you:)

I reached the point of putting mail back into the system with "Addressee unknown." If they are going to be secretive about their whereabouts and unappreciative of prior acts of consideration, that seems a natural outcome.

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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#22: February 22, 2021, 11:39:19 PM
Please oh please don´t try lifting heavy stuff- a hemorrhage would put a huge damper on 2021 AND prolong the healing. If you´re itching to do something, make a list instead and you know that the task will be waiting for you:)

THIS!

I reached the point of putting mail back into the system with "Addressee unknown." If they are going to be secretive about their whereabouts and unappreciative of prior acts of consideration, that seems a natural outcome.

I went with "Moved, Left no forwarding address."

I figured that was better than "Not my circus, not my monkeys."

As far as mom goes, I guess I wonder why she is still soft on xH after the events of the past <how many years now>? and the stuff he continues to pull with S & D.

Speaking of that, did the support check ever show up? Maybe it is in the mail that F brought in....
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#23: February 23, 2021, 08:39:53 AM
forthetrees & UrsaMajor - I am going to struggle with the behaving part. Not because I am trying to somehow be superwoman, but I fear it will be tough to remind myself. Maybe not in the first week, but as I feel better, it will be a challenge to keep that on my mind. Yet, I do know how critical it is I listen and not over do it. Being in lockdown with this pandemic was sucky, especially being in pain. To be forced into another type of "lockdown" would be horrible. And, I don't want to risk permanent damage or cause pain that never goes away.

I have plans to have D bring my sewing machine upstairs and put it in the library so that I can do some projects that I have had on my mind. Things that will make progress but won't require strenuous physical work. I can work in my art studio. And there is always plenty of paperwork to do - like my taxes, etc that will be waiting for me.

I have been so fortunate to have time to rest at my sister's, but I am ready to go home.

My M called to ask me this morning if I still was okay with her dropping the paperwork off at the postoffice. I told her my thoughts had not changed at all.

My M has had a very hard time of letting go of Xh. She knows he has no one and he came into my family as almost an orphan. My M was like a M to him for a long time. They were in fact close. Yet, she doesn't want me getting back together with him.

My M has a huge heart. That is the truth. She sees what Xh has done to D and S, but wants to believe his good core will somehow break through. I guess at one point, I too had that wish and belief. I just no longer see how it will reappear in the near future.

My M is this way about people in general. My sister and I just had this conversation with her before my surgery.

Toxic Aunt's D has abused her body and continues to do so. Now she is having health issues. Trying to explain to my M that we are not without compassion, but at a certain point we no longer are feeling "bad" for her. That is, she knows what she has to do to get better. The difference being we are not going to let her play victim. Feel sorry for her addictions, but they are in her power only to change and they are in fact choices at this point in the game and there are consequences for those choices. She is suffering from the consequences. My sister and I have way more compassion for her children, who are the true victims. We do not wish her some horrible fate, but at a certain point both of us have sort of shrugged and said "that is not a surprise". And, it is not in some cold-hearted manner, just more matter of fact. Sort of a "hope she figures it out this time", but history has shown us that it hasn't scared her yet to stop.

IDK - it is similar with Xh. I really don't wish the man I used to love any horrible fate, but I am choosing not to get involved in solving his issues or even just engaging in any way. It doesn't serve me well. Sounds very selfish, but I tried the other method with him and that did not bode well for me.

Frankly, engaging with him, IMO might actually lead me to resentment or bitterness. Primarily because I don't see him ever being grateful for my help anyways. It is not like he is going to somehow call me and thank me.

This is not about being vindictive or nasty. This is simply me not worrying about his business. Mail for him in my mailbox that is still appearing after 5 years is just annoying now. I think he has had plenty of time to settle in and make those changes.

It sort of makes me laugh and it really is not funny at all. I have visions now of getting a call someday from someone needing me to make some decision for him because he has me left on some documents somewhere he has not dealt with.

I dealt with most of my paperwork during times of extreme stress - I did them because they had to be done. I knew I had to face them. I didn't want to. It would have been so much easier to avoid them and pretend they didn't exist.

It is much like dealing with a teenager. The MLCer has to learn how to deal with their own $h!te at some point. I would not hold my adult children's hands in this situation. Why would I do it with Xh? Would I help my kids if they asked for help? Yes. But no way would I do it for them. That is the job of a helicopter mom, and that is not me. I know how that works out in college for those kids - I have worked with way too many of those students. Support is good, but being babied is not usually very productive.

Time for the MLCer to grow up - or at least go find another "Mommy" - I am not it.

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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#24: February 24, 2021, 04:08:26 AM
It is much like dealing with a teenager. The MLCer has to learn how to deal with their own $h!te at some point. I would not hold my adult children's hands in this situation. Why would I do it with Xh? Would I help my kids if they asked for help? Yes. But no way would I do it for them. That is the job of a helicopter mom, and that is not me. I know how that works out in college for those kids - I have worked with way too many of those students. Support is good, but being babied is not usually very productive.

Time for the MLCer to grow up - or at least go find another "Mommy" - I am not it.

EXACTLY to both... They wanted to go off and live the single life, they fired us from the position of assistant so ... they can go off and live the single life without their trusty sidekick... with all the responsibility and consequences that entails... and if they fail to do their part, to be responsible, well, they have no one left to blame but themselves... or Schmoopie... or the dog... or the weather... or COVID .. or the kids... or ...  ::)
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#25: February 24, 2021, 08:48:00 AM
UrsaMajor - Yes, the MLCer decided to go another direction. He downsized.  ::) Either way, as far as I am concerned, he terminated my position as his partner, so I should respect that. LOL

I was talking to my sister this morning and we both were a bit fascinated by my M's response to all of this. Growing up, we had support, but we were responsible for our homework and projects, etc. There was no part of M doing it for us. If we were sick, maybe she would drop off work completed or would pick up work we had missed, but beyond that - it was on us to be responsible. She was always there to help or support us, but she was more like the M that would proof read a paper if you asked. She might hound you about doing homework, but it was still your responsibility.

Neither my sister nor I could recall her ever doing something for us that we were more than capable of doing. And, that isn't to say like now, where because I am laid up, she might go and pick things up for me.

In fact, I was laughing. If anything, she hounds me about things to make sure they get done - that I do them. Did I remember to do this or that. IDK - I don't quite grasp it with Xh.

She ended up not even putting it in the mailbox with return to sender. She drove down to the post office and hand delivered it. Now, maybe that is what needed to happen. The woman working was very nice to her and thanked her for bringing it back and assured her it happens more often than one would think. She said most people don't even take the time to note it on the envelope. My M was satisfied with the response and felt like she had done a good thing.

And, maybe it is about that whole generation and civic duty, etc that is factoring in there. IDK. Or a level of respect that I know my grandfather had for the postal service and how you didn't mess with other people's mail, etc. I am not sure that is drilled into other's heads the same way nowadays. I certainly never considered it an option. I always put things back that are delivered by mistake to my house and let the postal carrier know. Or I have walked it down the street when it has been my neighbor's mail.

Either way - out of my hands.

I slept in S's room last night. It is the bedroom that is closest to the stairway and I figured that was my best plan for the first night on my own. And, he now has a TV in his room, so I could easily just relax all day if need be. I woke up several times last night, having odd dreams. But, it felt so good to be home, even if not in my own bed yet.

S's bed faces the east and sits under 2 skylights. When I woke up the sun was rising and I watched through the windows. I can see where this might be my argument for moving my bed out from under the alcove in my bedroom. Hmmm.

The dog, she has been very "attentive". Clearly, she is very happy I am home, but confused as to why I am not the one taking her outside. D stopped by the house, as did my F to take the dog out. D's BF will swing by this afternoon to walk her some more.

D had bought PJs for me and I am not a PJ person, but I have decided to force myself to wear them all day today. I need to be in this mindset. I caught myself twice, not out of some stubborn need, but out of habit where I nearly picked something up I shouldn't have. So, I am in "sick" mode today. I did pull my hair back and am not being a total slug, but I know I really am going to have to figure out things to make progress without over doing it. I can only watch so much TV or do so much reading.

I did start a list of things I can work on today. My first small job was to go into the library and open up all of the mail that had accumulated. The cat thought she would help out by acting as a paperweight. ::) I shredded the junk mail and fortunately only have one bill I hadn't had in my hands before surgery to deal with and that isn't due for weeks.

My plan today is to force myself to relax. I do know how to do that. It is just tough when I know I could be making progress and get my house back in order. It doesn't help that right before all of this surgery, I had literally found new curtain rods for the library and den and would like nothing more than to install those. Simple enough - normally. LOL.

I will behave. Going to be a challenge.

However, being one to not totally dismiss certain things, I am a bit intrigued at the moment. All morning long there has been a mourning dove in the front of the library. It has not left the front yard. It is not injured. It just keeps sitting on the window sill or the picket fence post right in front of the house. It has not gone far. And, the cat - she isn't wanting to go out and chase it. She has noticed it, but she is not wound up and sitting on the inside sill even.

IDK - I haven't seen a mourning dove in the front of the house in months. They are aways hiding in the backyard shrubs, but there is not really a very good area for them to hide in on the front of the house. The bushes are much shorter and there are no trees directly in the front of the house that would provide shelter.

It could just be coincidence, but I do know that was what I focused on to keep myself sane when I walked off the MLC months. It kept me grounded seeing that little mourning dove when I walked. It brought me a sense of calm and routine. So, does it matter whether it is a sign from the universe or not - not really. It is what I am going to focus on today, to simply remind myself that I have to take care of myself, much like I did when the crisis was rolling in.
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#26: February 27, 2021, 05:23:08 PM
The past couple of days have been an adjustment.

I am enjoying being back home, but am frustrated by the fatigue and restrictions. And, I keep reminding myself that it has been only a bit over a week since my surgery. I said to my sister that when people say the word hysterectomy it has become such a "normal" surgery, that is, it is not that uncommon that we often forget it isn't exactly some small event. And, D, who is often wiser than her 20 years said that I should remind myself that for at least the last year my body had been feeding those fibroids and I have been physically compensating, so my body is in complete WTF mode right now trying to recalibrate. She is right - it explains the lightheadedness I am still having a week later from all of this.

Part of my issue is I feel so much better and because of that I am ready to get back to accomplishing things. Problem is, I am not supposed to pick up anything that weighs more than a gallon of milk for at least 2 weeks and then nothing more than 20 lbs for at least another 2-4 weeks beyond that.

I made the mistake of trying to take the dog outside this morning before S was awake. I realized very quickly that with the nicer weather that was not a good idea. The dog wants to follow every smell and it is not that she is off and running, but I can't reel her back in easily if she gets on a scent. And while she listens, she is hyper focused when she is on the trail of something. I was able to get her back into the house, but S scolded me when he found out I had been outside at 6 am on my own with her. I promised I would not be doing that again.

I made breakfast and tried to think of something I could accomplish today. I set out on doing a couple of loads of laundry, which I can manage, if I bring up a couple of pieces at a time from the laundry room, or I have S or his GF bring the basket up.

The kids have been so good to me. And I am very lucky, that I know. D has been coming over in between her studying to help out and she gets groceries. We have a little more work to do on her room, but she is in the middle of studying for her first huge exam in anatomy, so that won't be happening this weekend. She did get groceries today and she is constantly making me smoothies with all sorts of antioxidants in them and the like. She also checks on me in terms of making sure I am not overdoing it.

S, he is taking care of things for me without me even asking. He has been doing some things around the house. It would seem he and D had a conversation about what needed to be done around the house. I have made him go outside and enjoy the nice weather and have some time to himself, but today, he was working on his friend's cars and they too came in and checked on me. The dog, she was well taken care of and they came in to take her for a walk.

I snuck out of the house while they were off running errands and walked up to my parent's house. I figured I could use the fresh air and had plans to take a shower this morning, but didn't want to be chauffeured up there again today. I was amazed at how much better I feel walking than I have in months. I was tired after that small stretch, but I didn't hurt the same way. D swung by and brought me home, and I had to come home and take a nap, but it was okay.

I am going to have to take small walks like that and build up strength. And, I need to get out of the house, mentally. I am not able to drive until at least Thursday and so chasing snow geese is out of the question. They are just arriving in the area again, so I have a few weeks.

I thought I had cleared out all of my old MLC journals, but I also had never really counted how many I had filled over the course of the whole nonsense with Xh. I had hidden so many of them from him and had gotten into that habit in general, that I hid them from myself. I haven't journaled in an actual journal in a long time now. And it was such a good thing for me mentally before joining HS - needing to shake out and let go of those thoughts that crept in. The funny thing was, the one's that I haven't destroyed or at least had forgotten existed are the ones that I filled after Xh moved out. I had been on HS for awhile and had forgotten there were times I would bounce between paper journals and here.

These are not journals I am necessarily going to destroy like the MLC laden ones. I flipped through one today and realized these are more my "healing" journals. And in them, I realized how strong my spiritual side kicked in. Thoughts expressed that maybe are still helpful and remind me about my own core. They are not necessarily things that I would share in general, but they do indicate to me a shift in my own thought processes. A return to my own core values and maybe more in tune with my own beliefs, or an awakening of them. Perhaps it is more of an acceptance of being okay with being who I am and being more spiritual than I let on.

It also is a marker of a huge shift emotionally. A true sign of letting go of the MLCer and having new emotions that I was very comfortable feeling, even though I was confused in part because somehow I didn't think I was allowed to have new feelings.

There are moments of questioning whether I deserved to have certain things in life and times I documented the cycling in detail. Those triggers that would creep in. Questioning some moments where I was just learning to trust my instincts again.

I had one moment where I detailed this event where looking back, I am certain I was at the right place in my path, but in that moment, I was questioning it all. More of the this cannot be right, because I didn't dare trust my own gut. This connection with someone cannot possibly be more than my imagination because it makes no sense. The truth is, that connection never changed and maybe that is what scared the heck out of me.

The night I journaled, I am not exactly sure what had gone on that day, as I didn't always lay it out in my paper journals the same way I do here. I often times in my paper journals would go on pure emotions and write out feelings with no other context. Sometimes it makes me wish I had put more context in it to go back and say "oh, right that is why I felt that way". Yet, I can also look at it now and think how sometimes the same feelings apply in other moments.

The emotion that I described was feeling like there are moments where you feel like you are jumping out of a plane and trust that all is okay, until you reach for the cord to deploy the parachute and there is nothing there. Or there are the times where you feel like you were pushed from the plane. Each time you are in a free fall, certain you are just going to meet a horrible fate, when you catch an air current that somehow allows you to glide for awhile and you feel some sense of serenity creeping in, only to realize there is in fact a small safety chute that deploys. Just when you want to feel complete relief, the lines tangle.

Looking at the time frame, I think this was really wrestling with new emotions and figuring this was all just like not trusting my gut or my path. The MLC had so made me question my own beliefs and feelings for so long. Continually waiting for the other shoe to drop was normal.

And, life has been pretty brutal recently. I have been kicked pretty hard by some of the craziness that has been beyond my control. I know there are moments where I have expressed the exasperation and stress, but the truth is, for those who know me well, I have written it out and worked through so much more than most people would ever have an understanding of. That notion that I have been blanketed in constant anxiety is far from the truth. Yes, has it has not been easy, but I have laughed a whole lot more than most would even begin to know. The contractor and the demolition crew all commented on how much fun I was to work with because I didn't complain when things did not go the way we planned.

The toilet, for instance. It went in right before I had to leave for my sister's. It was down to the wire. The fact that they could not place it where I originally intended and have to modify my layout a bit did not phase me. It was not what I dreamt up, but reality is it was not possible without cutting beams and moving electrical lines - something I did not want to get into. So, we had to monitor and adjust. The reality was, I had to make a snap decision and I have to live with that decision. It means a slight change of plans. And, I left for my sister's with the attitude that I was happy to have the darn thing installed and I would deal with it when I got home.

So, today the kids have been laughing at me. I marked out on the floor where the tub is going with a chalk line. It looks a bit like a crime scene in the bathroom at the moment with all of the chalk outlines. I finally ended up putting a cardboard box where the vanity was originally going to go to see if that still makes sense. The kids were laughing, when I said I was going to draw an actual sink on top of the box for fun. And at the moment, there is a stool with a reading lamp in the middle of the room for extra light, as we have to move some of the electrical lines. I laughed when S's one friend went into the bathroom to see the bare walls - he hadn't seen the full destruction since the last time he was here the bathroom was sealed off due to the asbestos. He laughed and said the decor was "unique". I told him I was going to put in a wooden barrel and a shower head for the full rustic look.

I am anxious to get the renovations going, but until the heat run is moved, I am at a standstill.

I had the furnace repair service out here yet again yesterday. The poor service tech was the same one who has been here 4 out of the 5 times I have had them here. He was here both emergency calls. I assure him that I would not be seeing him next week when he was on call - I promised. The wind had kicked up the other night and the furnace kept making a banging sound. He was only here 15 minutes when he found the issue. I wasn't charged for it and he showed me how to clean a little condensation elbow that no one ever told me about. It was full of sediment that had shaken loose from the outside air. He said it should be cleaned every few months. I was so grateful he showed me what to do and I wasn't losing my mind - it was in fact making the furnace work a lot harder. He had checked that the night he was here, but it was not full.

And when I called the service company, I was actually laughing because they already know me by name because of Xh trying to cancel the service from them before he moved out, only to realize he was not even on that bill. At the time, he was trying to jerk me around - as at the time he was trying to force me to sell the house and make everything difficult. He was never on any of the bills to begin with. The house bills were always in my name, because he had other utilities in his name for work - we kept them separated out for bookkeeping purposes - things like separate internet for his work that was not on the same cable bill.

It is going to be a long few weeks with not being able to do as much as I would like. I realized today, that I would love to put the floor tile in the bathroom, but I cannot even lift the single larger tiles out of the box at the moment. they weigh more than I am supposed to be messing with. Sigh.

I will figure it out. I have made progress in other areas. I am down to just taking Tylenol at bedtime and the dizziness is subsiding. I just have to be a bit more patient with myself. I often have unrealistic expectations of myself.
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« Last Edit: February 27, 2021, 05:31:19 PM by MourningDove »

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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#27: February 28, 2021, 06:25:25 AM
Dove -
Just following along and so glad that you're healing and feeling better one day at a time.
I'm happy that you have so much support there for you, and your dog to keep you company.
Rest and recovery is your main concern right now, even if difficult for you.
Time will come to lay tiles, etc. 
Enjoy the ability to just... be...

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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#28: March 01, 2021, 02:24:27 PM
Seahorse - thank you.  :)

I am feeling a bit better each day, but I am not going to lie. I am sooooo frustrated by these restrictions. I know I am supposed to behave myself, and I am trying so hard to adhere to the rules. I am listening to my body and resting, etc. But, it is not easy. Yesterday, I picked up a box that didn't look all that heavy and it weighed more than the "gallon of milk" I am allowed to lift for the next week. I paid for it this morning and it frightened me. It is nothing serious, but enough to make me take note.

S was joking with me this morning that it must be killing me and he never, ever would have pictured me asking him to do things like take the vacuum cleaner upstairs because I can't carry it right now. He was a gem this morning and took care of some things that he knew I needed done before he went back to school.

It is D's long day at the university, so I won't see her at all. The dog, she has been a bit of a pill. She is dying to go out and run. I have to be extra cautious with it being coyote mating season. They have been out and about at different hours and don't normally come in contact with humans, but they are known to be potentially more aggressive this time of year if confronted. They were howling the other night in the moonlight and it was rather eerie. The dog, she thinks all animals are potential playmates. So, my F has been here to walk her a couple of times today.

I am having some difficulty keeping myself occupied. I have plenty I can do, but I have to be creative about the whole thing. I had S put my sewing machine on the kitchen table. I figured that I could at least tackle some things and enjoy the sunlight in the kitchen if I so desire. Even that took some planning ahead. I can't lift the machine to carry it right now. And, I am not thrilled with having it on the table for any length of time, but I will just deal with it for now.

I have watched too much TV and have read every magazine I had in the house. I can officially say that I don't think there are any more to be found, as they have been put in the recycle bin now that I have read them. I kept one for S's former roommate, as it has an article on a local train depot and he is planning on moving up here soon - he is a huge train fanatic, so I told him about this place the last time he was visiting.

I picked up another book out of my library to read. I have all sorts of books. Last night, I decided to finally read one that I picked up on a whim before the pandemic hit. It is all about princesses in history that behaved badly. It runs the gamut in terms of the definition of "behaving badly". One princess decided to avoid marriage and became a very successful pirate. It is an easy read, as they are all short stories. Some are based on historical evidence, others are stories that are told throughout the years - oral history and there is not a way to know in some cases if they were fables, embellished or factual. Either way, fun to read. And, it is not a rally cry for feminism, as much as those untold stories which in some cases are rather humorous in today's context of what is considered proper behavior.

My nerd fix at work.

Last night, I also scanned a manual for S. It was an antique manual that is almost impossible to find. A friend of his loaned it to him. It was his grandfather's and it is the full mechanics technical manual for an antique tractor. One of the tractors my F has. S tried to find a copy online, but it doesn't exist. The tractor dealership said they were thrown out years ago, as people didn't think to keep them, so finding one is rare. The friend wanted to make a copy to use and put his grandfather's in a safe place on a shelf, but wasn't sure how to go about it. Turns out, it doesn't have a copyright in place that makes it now illegal, so I told S to bring it home and I would take on the task for the 2 of them. Two hundred pages later of scanning last night, I was inspired to go above and beyond. I repaired the spine of the booklet for the kid and put the loose pages back into the manual. S came in when I had put weight on the book to hold it. He had a huge grin on his face and wanted to know if I was trying to get this kid to cry, because he will be so touched. What can I say - it seemed like the right thing to do in this case.

This morning, I decided that I was going to go all out and instead of just printing out copies or giving them a pdf of the scans, I am going to rebuild the manual and do the proper pagination with different options for them - printer and digital versions. This is what happens when the graphic artist part of me kicks in. Damn perfectionist.  ::)

It is keeping me busy and out of trouble.

I need a creative outlet since I can't really do too much at home right now. Even painting in my studio would be a bad idea. I know myself. I get lost in my work and would pick up something heavy - like the oak easel or something stupid. So, I am banning myself from that area for another week at least.

When my F stopped in, he brought me a copy of a book that was written in Belgium that someone sent him. The author had asked my F for some different information and he was working with this person for several months. The author sent my F copies for my sister and I to have as well. It is primarily about the history of a couple of villages and the families that immigrated to America and the research is extensive. It follows my grandfather's family in parts of the book. My F was so excited to share the stories and then he told me some things I never knew that are not in the book. It was a nice discussion over coffee.

My one cousin is suddenly becoming interested in family and the history. I think it was prompted by his F dying and his own near death experience. He moved back to the area and visits my F often. I can recall not seeing that cousin for nearly 30 years and now, he is the one organizing family picnics with his second wife and his step son. He has even gone so far as learning Dutch this past year, but he is a novice. My F mentioned that he wished there were a translation of the book available. I laughed and said that my own skills are rusty, but with his help, I will take that task on and create a translation.

I am still waiting on the go date on the heat run being moved in the bathroom, so everything is sort of in hold pattern. It is probably good with my desire to get at that space and with my restrictions. S joked he was going to hide all of the tools on me until he comes home next weekend. Probably wise.  ::)

My M mentioned that my other cousin, who went through a divorce he didn't want, is now dating. The ink just dried on that piece of paper, but his XW dragged it out for quite sometime. Hiding from him that she had owned property of her own for years, etc. I had told my M that I figured he would be snatched up pretty quickly. He is good man and wonderful dad to his teenage D. So, my M informs me that he is dating a woman I knew in high school. She is a good person and while it might be a rebound for him, I am happy for him.

That said, I was a bit annoyed. LOL. I am liking being alone in the house with my kids off and doing things again, but I am a bit tired of this situation I am in. I have plenty of opportunity for "companionship" - that would be an easy solution. And, maybe it was timing of that conversation with my M. D had sent me a text to let me know of an event she knows I would love to go to. She was kidding me saying I am such a nerd and I had mentioned it is maple syrup season and I wondered if the one local place was going to have their annual event this year, since Covid killed that last year. Seems they have a plan in place for this year that is going to be addressing all the protocols. And, so the timing is right around when I should be back up to being able to at least do more at the end of the month and I love that place. It looks like they have added hiking to their event and I am so ready for a good hike - well okay, not yet.  ::) I will go alone, but finding a willing partner in crime would be way more fun. But, I don't share these things with just anyone. I tried that with a friend of mine once who was more interested in when the tour was over. No matter - it is on my calendar and as long as the weather behaves and I am given the all clear by the doctor on the 19th, I am going to pencil it in.
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« Last Edit: March 01, 2021, 02:29:37 PM by MourningDove »

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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#29: March 01, 2021, 08:40:09 PM
So the evening took a bit turn, when I realized I was in a bit of an emotional spin. It had been brewing all day on and off. I was not completely unhinged, LOL, but certainly full of emotions. Like a bad recipe. A dash of anger. A pinch of aggravation. Sprinkle in some tears - oh had I added a couple shots of whiskey, it would have been the end of me for the night.

It in part started because I found an image created by one of my students from the university that dealt with last year's shutdown. It is a powerful image and one that just took me back to being in the classroom. Everything leading up to that point in the semester just all seemed to make sense. My path seemed so clear. I felt something that I cannot explain. Everything in my life seemed to just be in the right place at that moment. I remember one day in particular standing in the empty classroom looking out at the lake and just knowing I was supposed to be there in that classroom.

My own kids were off pursuing their studies and while it wasn't perfect, things were starting to line up and life was calming down in some ways. Or at the very least, even when things were stressful, the path seemed so much clearer. My career was taking off in a direction that was starting to wake something back up in me. My personal life was at least somehow making some very odd sense, even though I had no idea where it was going. There were just moments at this time last year that so much seemed to be falling into place.

Today, I am just suffering from being housebound and not being able to do much. That brain is working overtime and while I got some small things done and did work on S's book for him, I found myself just up and down.

Fortunately, I have good friends and people in my life who check in with me.

D called to give me her update on her class and where she was in her commute home. I laughed when she told me that I was right. That word "right" so rarely passes D's lips. She will say things like "you were not wrong". Oh, this had to be a big one - if I was right. She had pulled an 85 on her first anatomy exam and that was not good enough for her. I bet her that she probably scored in the top percentile and an 85 on the first exam was probably a big deal. I reminded her she is in upper level courses, that are much harder and anatomy is always one of the tough classes. Hahaha - yah, I was right. She said she had one of the highest grades. Someone else scored an 87.  ::)

Another friend let me rant and rave for a bit. LOL

S called to tell me that his friend loved the book being all repaired and is excited about the new copy.

And, another friend wanted to ask advice about lingerie. I was cracking up asking her why I was her go to. But, I know why she was asking me. She knew I would be honest with her and not laugh at her. She was going out of her comfort zone and that is not easy. She really wasn't asking me for any other reason than she needed a good friend to remind her she didn't need to feel self conscious around her BF who adores her.

And she returned the favor by telling me that my emotions being all over the place are normal right now. She had the same surgery back in the spring and while neither of us had ovaries removed, it still messes with your body enough to make you feel like some hormonal fool. I felt much better hearing someone stating the obvious. Oh, I had surgery a little over a week ago - right.  ::)

Of course, I can always count on my sister, niece, and nephew to help me out. It started as a group conversation. My nephew had made baked beans for dinner. He was telling me I would love his recipe. My sister informed me that he followed the recipe on the Grandma Brown's can. LOL. I told him that the next time we have a barbecue he can make those and I will try his concoction. He informs me he also makes scrambled eggs now as well. I told him I was disappointed he hadn't made them for me when I was at his house.

Somehow, my niece and nephew wanted to bring up when was I going to bring a guy to an event. Some guy? Hmmmm. I wanted to know if this was like I should just choose some random person on my way to their house some time. I don't think that is what they were getting at. What they were really trying to ask was why am I still always just alone most of the time.

Well, my sister was quick to pick up on that and thought she would be funny telling them about all the guys whose hearts I broke. I would argue that was not exactly how it happened. I certainly didn't lead guys on. But, my sister started to list a few guys that were very interested in me and I was too busy with my nose in a book to really take notice. She had the kids laughing hysterically as she started down a list. Oh, problem she really wasn't wrong about some of them. Wow. I sounded like such a b!tc#. LOL

The two that had them rolling practically on the ground were 2 guys in my sophomore year of high school. I had to remind my sister that I was rather smitten with my on and off boyfriend at the time, in all fairness. But, both guys in this case were in the brass section in band. She thought that was important for some reason. Probably because the on and off boyfriend was from there too and of course it gives her reason to throw the "one time at band camp" phrase in there. For the record - I never went to band camp.  ::)

So the one guy was a senior. Charming and very talented. We were friends. So, I thought. Duh. We had gone to a picnic together with some friends and he gave me a ride home. And in the driveway he gave me a kiss. That shocked the heck out of me. I was pretty naive. I wasn't looking for the friendship to change. Well, why my sister was finding such humor in all of this was that guy, she deemed "Prince Charming". I turned down Prince Charming. It is true. He literally went on to work at Disney and married Cinderella. LOL. My niece and nephew thought this was hysterical. Yah, it is rather humorous if we put it that way.

The other one that year was another friend. He asked me to his junior prom. All was fine. I said I would go as his friend. It was pretty clear. Well, he started bringing me gifts. Lovely gifts, I will admit, but it was getting uncomfortable because he was from a very wealthy family and his demeanor changed. That is, he suddenly was trying to buy my affection and would tell me about how his family loved me and he was constantly trying to impress me with "daddy's money". MMMMM - No. The funny part about it was he tried so hard to "get" me. He really didn't. He went so far as to buy me a pair of cashmere gloves and matching beret. He said because I was an artist and I listened to Prince - yes, UrsaMajor is going to pick up on this - I just know it. Yes, they were raspberry color. My M just found the gloves and asked me about them when I was there the other day. I cannot believe she still had them. I think the beret is long gone.

My sister had me laughing and I told her revenge is coming. I wanted to know if I should ask what happened to her abalone watch. I could hear her H in the background laughing and saying he wanted to know about this story. My sister changed the subject by playing "Raspberry Beret" and my niece exclaiming she knew that song. Oh, I am just grateful my kids were not present for this smack down. LOL. I am surrounded by velociraptors. ::)

The truth is, this mandated quiet time is hard. I am struggling with the inability to find things to do that feel like I am doing something other than keeping busy. I am having to remind myself that I have been in a down time with the pain for nearly a year and this feeling so much better is the turning point. I just have to get through a bit longer - being patient. Yet, it is also making it easy for my thoughts to travel to places wondering WTF is going on. My life feels like I had a puzzle almost reassembled and I knocked it off of a table and the pieces are scattered all over the floor again.

I will work through it somehow and I am not down. I think just confused about a whole lot and not too sure of much right now. I guess fortunately I have things I can focus on that I know have to happen.

Oh, and it didn't help that Xh did what I figured he would. He didn't send the support check this month. I am trying to decide how I want to proceed with this. I am not letting it go, but I so do not want to engage with him. He may force my hand and be getting a call from the courts. I am just too firetrucking tired right now to want to add more to my plate. Why can't he just be a responsible F? Oh wait - I know the answer to this. I love how he likes to just interpret the legal document he agreed to and then changes it when he feels like it. Well, I am not solving that tonight. Sigh.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#30: March 02, 2021, 02:16:47 AM
OK, so for those young'uns that have no clue what you are talking about....
<velociraptor mode ACTIVATE>
https://youtu.be/l7vRSu_wsNc

<velociraptor mode OFF>

Well, we already figured that xH was going to be a walking Richard Cranium with Ears because "he paid S's tuition" right?

I know that it is a lot of hassle and opening up a whole can of ugly worms and that it would be easier to let it slide but....
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#31: March 03, 2021, 09:16:40 AM
UrsaMajor - yah, it was like that…not. LOL ::)

As for clobbering Xh. Hmmm. Oh so tempting. I am tabling it for a bit, only because I realized the other night, it was making my blood just boil and right now, I have to focus on getting better, not letting him rile me up. I have too many other priorities anyways that need my attention immediately. Like getting the heat run moved in the bathroom. And fighting the assessment on my house. And my taxes filed, etc.

Now, that said, I also have decided to not let it just go. So, after a lot of pondering, which I seem to have a lot of time to do that right now, I have decided to be a bit strategic in my attack. Let Xh think he is in the clear. I have documented every damn check he has sent me, and the dates, etc. I have receipts for every doctor visit D has had, her tuition bills and oh, she has to have braces here soon. There is no avoiding it. And, let us not forget the wisdom teeth that came out. So, as my accountant had advised a couple of years back - let it accumulate and then drop the hammer. He is not going to be a happy camper when his small contribution of the extra tuition for S doesn't even begin to cover what he owes for D's expenses. And, really, I was willing to let it go. That is how much I really don't want to deal with his nonsense. He is a waste of my time. But, he has pushed me too far now and that is never a good thing. When I feel threatened, I do push back. So, once I am well enough and have my strength back, I will be planning a counter attack.

The thing is, it upsets me that here again he pushes me to a point that is so against who I am. But, this is not about me as such. I really don't care about the money. He is such a fool in that, I walked away from alimony and other things. I know many would say I was a fool for not nailing him to the wall. It just didn't interest me to keep bleeding my own soul to make it financially easier. I am of the mind that he may have "gotten away" with an awful lot financially, but the cost is far greater to him in the long run. He threw the kids and I away and that is something he can't just buy back.

Oh, I am in sassy mode and it was confirmed yesterday. LOL. My former coworker stopped by to check on me and to make sure I am behaving myself. He laughed and said Xh is in deep trouble. Yah, I am in that don't firetruck with me mindset. My coworker helped out by hanging a curtain rod and curtain for me before going off to register his little one for kindergarten. It was nice just to have a friend, look in on me and have someone to have a normal conversation with, even if only for a brief time.

I have been finding it a bit difficult to find things to keep myself occupied with this whole "don't lift" restriction. By the week's end, I can add more weight, but I won't go full tilt. I am reminding myself just because there are time lines in place, it is much like MLC, timelines can mean very little since everyone heals at their own rate. I will just take it easy until I see the doctor and find out where I am at in the process. Even then, I am going to just work my way back slowly. Not an easy thing, when I was looking at my bedroom and wanting to move furniture around. Boo.

I have measured out the bathroom for the replacement insulation, and have been working on the tile design. The walls - I am still trying to decide what I want to do with the remaining walls and fixtures. Debating whether or not I want to put a laundry chute back in or not. Some of that is coming as I am living with the space at the moment. The benefit of not having anything in yet, is letting me sort of adjust to the layout.

I found some framing projects to keep me busy. I had a piece from D's BF that he gave before I went in for surgery. It was a more complex shadow box project and it took some thinking out how to make the objects work within a frame, but I figured it out last night and that should be done this afternoon. And, I have my own work that I have been wanting to reframe. Now, no one said I couldn't use the mitre saw. LOL. I will only work with my lighter weight projects, not the 4 fit long pieces that really have been bugging me. Then there is the drawing that Xh tried to sneak out of the house after the divorce. I have had that hidden for years now. No way was I letting OW get her hands on that. It will go in my bedroom and I will be happy to have that back on a wall.

And, I am playing chemist today. I have very few things from my grandmother - my F's M. My aunt pretty much stripped the house bare over the years, as my grandmother's Alzheimer's was rolling in. I have a ceramic bowl that she was so proud of. Somehow, it got broken. I didn't know what to do with it. I was ready to throw it out or to make it into a mosaic. Last night, I decided to glue it together and embrace the cracks. I grabbed my leafing kit and gilded the cracks with copper and silver. Today, I decided it needed a bit of a patina and instead of going up to my F's and grabbing the chemicals he uses, I mixed up things I had to push the greens and blues.

This is what happens when I am given a challenge - I will eventually figure out things I can do to keep busy that don't involve hours of Netflix.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#32: March 03, 2021, 09:44:18 AM
Just don't MOVE that mitre saw!  ;D

I'm curious, if the laundry MUST  be in the location it is in, why would you NOT  have a laundry chute? What would be the advantage, other than space in the bathroom? I can tell you, if I could figure out how to get a vacuum tube laundry chute to the garage (single floor house), I'd do it. It would have to self empty, but that I could work out. Why doesn't Dyson make Vacuum tube kits, enquiring minds want to know?

The good thing about being creative is that you are rarely at a loss for things to do. This is also the bad thing about being creative, you always have something you want to do. ;D At least it's never boring, just sometimes frustrating.

Maybe the no suport check is the universe telling you it's time for you exh to really see what is what. Sure, you can do it on your own, and I'm sure that frustrates him to no small degree. Sure, it's annoying to have to deal with it and easier not to unless you have to. You also know you aren't doing him any favors by not addressing it, and have always known this was likely to happen. This might just be that time. Those things happen when we least expect it and often when it's least convenient. I'm sorry that it has to be a subset of your life. It disrupts the peace.

We should have a virtual art, craft, and creation room.
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#33: March 03, 2021, 04:02:30 PM
OffRoad - Oh, I planned ahead. LOL. S moved the mitre saw for me ahead of time. It is currently in D's room, and that is where it needs to be since we will need it for putting the flooring and new baseboards in. Which, by the way, I am buying actual wood this time. I will not be using adhesive and have a slightly taller baseboard, which can be affixed with the proper nails way above the heat lines and I assure you, I will NOT be using dry wall screws of any length.  ::)

As for the laundry chute. I am really missing that right now, I must admit, but the tub placement eliminates the old space. So, I now need to rethink where it can be relocated. Like I said, I am living with the empty space and really thinking all of this out. The trick is where it will fall down to into the laundry room and where are the electrical wires running and other obstructions below. But, I am going to figure out a way to make it happen. LOL.

The creative side is kicking in and that is honestly a good thing. I finished the shadow box framing and had been on my feet awhile, so I opted to sit and do some mending, before moving on to bigger sewing projects that I have wanted to do. I wanted to work on finishing the reupholstering of the kitchen banquet but that will have to wait, as it will require some strength to pull some of the areas. That is a recipe for disaster.

I felt good enough today where I found myself dancing around the kitchen for a long time as I was working. I didn't even think about it, until it dawned on me that while I was tender and a bit tired, this is the first time in months I haven't had excruciating pain. I didn't go full tilt and do any crazy stretches.

D came home to walk the dog and then settled into the library to do some homework. She informed me that she got back her practical exam for the one class and she wished she had done better, but was willing to accept the 97.5% score. LOL.  ::) She made an appointment for advisement and started to say she needed a haircut. I looked at her said to make the call. Her initial response was "I don't have the hair salon's number". I didn't even answer her, just sent her the contact information and she laughed. She took that as a hint that I don't know her schedule and she is an adult. Aside from maybe checking against the family calendar on some things, she can manage. She made her appointment and then went on to call the Orthodontist on her own and schedule that consultation. It felt good to just be free of doing that task. That is, not having to be the one that is juggling everyone's schedule like I used to have to do even before MLC hit. I kind of like this "just let me know..." routine.

D took the dog out and then came back in with the mail. Oh, we had a good laugh. In the mail, another piece of mail for Xh. This time it was for his business. Clearly he hasn't updated that information either, since this is not the first piece addressed to his company. Now, D and I both had a very twisted thought about this mail. It is a good thing that these things only exist in my mind and for my humor only. Let's just say, Xh is lucky I am neither vindictive, nor do I have any desire to break the law. But, this piece of mail was for a credit card for his business and he has supposedly - according to the front of the envelope been approved for $80K. Now, that would not surprise me. He has owned that business for years and did very well and it is independent of his personal taxes. IDK.

What had me quietly giggling was I know all of Xh's data by heart. It is not that I somehow practice it. I used to do all of the bookkeeping for nearly 20 years. And, I remember my high school locker combination still. I remember numbers pretty easily. Names - LOL, a bit tougher. The idea of securing a credit card in Xh's name and just buying crazy things and sending them to his place, the addresses I am not supposed to know, was really amusing. IDK - I wonder how Xh would feel about a giant inflatable lawn ornament for his front yard. I am sure OW would just die.

Okay, I had my laugh and I put return to sender on the envelope and put it back in the mailbox. I am not that ill behaved.  ;)
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#34: March 03, 2021, 04:34:59 PM
A golden phallus head ornament on the lawn?????

Such a pity to lose out on that possibility.

Laundry shoot sounds loverly. If you could make it have three separate doors, you each could have your own bin in the basement.
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#35: March 04, 2021, 01:37:20 AM
A golden phallus head ornament on the lawn?????

Such a pity to lose out on that possibility.

With EARS!
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#36: March 04, 2021, 08:11:13 AM
forthetrees and UrsaMajor - both of you are not making this any easier - LOL. See now the little devil on my one shoulder is whispering in my ear, and now I am  thinking how much fun it would be to create this. I have the skills to make it look like Xh. Hmmmm. Okay, the angel on my other shoulder is saying to behave myself.  ::)

This morning, I decided to channel that energy and take the oscillating tool - it is within the weight restriction and cut the old PVC leading to the shower. It was a FIL decision to use that instead of spending on copper, which is all well and good, but Xh and FIL never really anchored it. Gee, that might explain why the shower head always wiggled. LOL. MLC Dumba$$. Well, I am really nearing the end of any MLCer fixes. I know there are a few remaining, but nothing like I have faced in the past few months.

Now, I have just some unfinished projects that Xh started at the beginning of MLC and those are actually beautifully crafted, but abandoned. There is a pergola that he started that overlooks the orchard. I could leave it as is, but I now have ideas how to adapt it. For one, I hate that it is exposed to the one side of the driveway. I want some privacy on that side of the house. I think some crawling vines on a trellis would be quite lovely. And, not just any trellis. I have a design rolling around in my head of some welded organic forms that would allow the vines to mingle with. I am liking the contrast of soft vines and hard metal edges that are not traditional fencing. We will see. I am not back to that level of work yet, and the ground is still frozen. The predicted thaw this coming week has me wanting to get out in the gardens. But, again, I will behave. Maybe just a walk next week.  ::)

I woke up this morning to the sun shining through the skylights. I could see there were some flurries in the air and then I heard the geese in the distance. It took me a moment though to realize the sounds were not the usual Canada geese. It was a combination, which made me smile. The snow geese were in the mix. I have to think back to which fields in the area had corn planted in them. The one across from me was sorghum this summer, so they won't be hanging out directly across from my house. Pity. But, it allows me to have an excuse to go for a drive this weekend. I am able to start driving if I feel up to it Saturday. Thank goodness - I am not liking being chauffeured all the time.

Late yesterday, I had pulled my hair back and had a moment of thinking maybe it was time for a drastic change. I had been attempting to grow my hair much longer. It is now way past my shoulders and hasn't been that way in years. I was contemplating letting it go a bit longer, perhaps another 4-6 inches. Yesterday, in my moment I considered instead lobbing off a good 6-8 inches. I decided that whim should be one I think about. I have an appointment coming up in a couple of weeks, and I will see how I feel then.

What was funny about that feeling yesterday, it was like that extreme desire like when Xh hit me with the first BD. The stereotypical break up reaction. I chopped my hair off, and dyed my hair an auburn color from my normal brown streaked with blonde summer locks. Then I went a dark brown color that fall. I look back now and realize in some ways, I was just trying to get Xh to notice me and part of me trying to change myself. Under normal circumstances, those changes might not have been a bad thing, but now, I think about how screwed up it all was.

I am not sure what prompted that feeling yesterday. IDK, maybe this whole "new me" now that I feel better again and now I need a change. Or it might be that while I am finding things to do, I am going a bit stir crazy not being able to do as much as I really would like to. If I change anything now, it will be because I want to for myself.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#37: March 04, 2021, 02:03:35 PM
Dove:

Your trellis sounds really pretty, and the added privacy will be nice.

It sounds as if you're healing well, and good for you that you're keeping to the weight lifting restrictions.

Enjoy your Saturday drive.  I hope you enjoy your time.

Sea
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#38: March 05, 2021, 03:46:10 AM


<snort>
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#39: March 05, 2021, 11:07:47 AM
UrsaMajor - LOL.

Seahorse - I had to put the sketches away for my trellis for now, because the desire to go outside and start measuring was a little too much of a temptation. And, I know myself. I get lost in the idea and suddenly find myself forgetting what I am not supposed to be doing. There are things under that pergola that moved and I would be so engrossed it would lead me to bad things. LOL. But, I am not going to table the idea completely. I may have to rethink it, due to drainage and the like, but it is best if I wait a few weeks before I approach that. Sigh.

I already pushed my luck late yesterday afternoon. And it was purely accidental. That is, I was feeling very good and was in my bedroom putting away some things. In the corner of the room is an older love seat that I had wanted gone before my surgery. It is something I have never liked and it was in my way yesterday. Without thinking I pushed it and suddenly felt a shock in my side. Luckily, I didn't do any real damage to myself, but it scared the bejeezus out of me. This morning, I am tender and know I need to just lay low.

S came home last night and he was incredibly frustrated. This whole online/hybrid situation is so frustrating to him. And budgets have been so dramatically slashed that some of the things they should be learning have been cut out of the classroom. I felt for him, as he wanted to rant. I know he needed to vent. Problem is D had been at the house earlier and she too had a rough day and I had already been subjected to her rant. I found myself so angry with the "golden phallus with ears" for not being an outlet for the kids.

I am tired of always being the one they go to. And, that sounds horrible. I know how fortunate I am to have both kids here with me. I just sometimes feel like I don't really get a break from it. On days like yesterday, where I needed to rest, it was a little overwhelming. I fell asleep at 6 p.m. on the couch. I slept until 9 am this morning and stayed in bed until noon, just hiding from the world. I finished reading the book I had started earlier in the week. That at least is the one habit I have picked up again that is not all bad, that is I now crawl in bed earlier than I used to and read every night. It does help me turn my brain off from the nonsense of the day.

But, this morning, I also felt the tears coming. I have had such weird dreams the past couple of weeks. Last night's were so realistic and were almost a historical accounting of my year in review.

It is not that my year was awful. There were good things in spite of this isolation. I think it was just this feeling of being at this point in a path right now where I am standing and saying to myself "now what?". This is the problem with being laid up and not able to do much. I am thinking about way too many things.

When I finally got out of bed, S was coming in from walking the dog. He saw my tear stained face and gave me a hug. He e had peeked in on me early this morning, as I am normally up really early. He said I was sound asleep, but he saw the loveseat. I was rightfully scolded and he told me that he and his friends will take it out of the room for me and get rid of it. Then he asked when I can drive again. I said supposedly tomorrow, but I am thinking I should delay it by a couple of days now that I pushed my luck. He had plans for the day to work outside in the garage. He has to work tomorrow, so today is really his only day to himself. I encouraged him to take the time to decompress and regroup after last night's rant.

S came back in to change into boots so that he could do some welding and said that he was coming back inside in a couple of hours and for me to think about where I wanted to go. He is insisting we take a drive. I do need to go to the home improvement store to get a filter for the fridge and some small things that are not risks to my health. He said that was fine, he would go with me, but I was to also think of somewhere fun to drive to - as it is sunny out and I need a change of scenery. And, I agreed. I need this.

D, she would take me somewhere, but she is just now starting to embrace drives just because. I don't know that she will ever totally embrace it, but right now, she is so scheduled due to her class load and homework, that every trip out with her is planned and has a purpose. There is nothing wrong with her approach and it has been a good thing. But, I need an escape trip, S is right.

So, today, my plan is to really behave and not do anything to push my luck. Sigh.
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#40: March 05, 2021, 11:33:07 AM
"golden phallus with ears?"

OMG you had me laughing out loud!

At least you haven't lost our sense of humor, Mourning. 
Take care of yourself now, missy!
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#41: March 05, 2021, 01:51:50 PM
Thunder - I have forthetrees and UrsaMajor to thank for that inspired name.  ;) Can I argue it is a term of endearment for Xh? - Okay, probably not. Even I don't believe that one. LOL

The thing is, the only names I ever did call Xh, were terms of endearment. I might get upset sometimes and tell him he was behaving like an a$$, but I don't think names came out until the absolute breaking point and I probably let a couple slip. And, while I may joke, I try very hard not to get in the habit of calling Xh names even now. But, sometimes, IDK, he just earns those titles. This one suits him at the moment.  ::)

My adventure today was delayed. My F needed S's help with a project and D came home. D was having a moment of needing to talk something out. Sigh.

I tried to pull apart a framed piece of my F's that was a gift to Xh when Xh and I were in college and before we were married. It is one of my favorite pieces and I have a strong personal connection to it, as I remember the exact location of the original sketches for the etching my F created. It would have been on the way to taking my sister and I to school when we lived in Belgium. My F would drive us to school some days instead of having us take the train and he would go out and sketch as part of his research sabbatical. The framed piece was left behind by Xh and clearly it was part of the wanting to cut away that part of his life, because he loved that particular work of art and it meant a great deal to him at the time my F gave that to him as a gift. Xh had worked at a framing shop during part of his college years and put a great deal of time and effort to properly frame this particular piece. But, it has been years and it needed to be pulled apart and have a new mat cut for it. And, when I pulled it apart, the delicate frame that Xh had so carefully chosen, just split apart. I looked at it and considered putting it back together and glueing the mitered corners, but ended up just tossing it out. Time to start fresh.

I then cleaned out a cabinet in the den for my cookbooks. When we converted the formal dining room years ago, into the kid's playroom and then into the den, I had consolidated my platters and the like. My kitchen has a decent amount of storage, but with both kids home during the pandemic and not going out as often we stocked up on things and suddenly, I found myself frustrated with the layout of the cabinets. At first, D stuck her nose up at this idea of putting the books in the den, but then realized it is not out of the way and it is a cabinet that actually accommodates the cookbooks nicely. And, I behaved. It took some time to move them, because I would only bring in a book or 2 at a time - behaving. Promise.

It's amazing how sometimes these little things make a whole world open up. Now, suddenly, I feel this freedom to do whatever I want with the storage in the kitchen. IDK why I felt so bound to how things have been for years. Looking back at the time, some things made sense where they were because of the age of the kids, etc. Now, I have different needs and don't have to have access to certain things. For instance, the toaster always was on the countertop. I am trying to free up counter space and as it is I don't eat toast all that often anymore, I found a place on the shelf that is underneath where it used to live on the counter. Accessible, but out of the way now.

As for my sense of humor - I try to laugh as much as possible. Often at my own expense. I don't know how I would have survived any of this or things that go on now. I have to offset the tears somehow. Life is way too short to be serious about everything that goes on. And, I do have my serious, deep thinking moments - more often than I maybe let on. Those sometimes happen when no one is around and I am frustrated with the insanity of the world at that moment. And, frankly, I think I often saw too much at school with some of the home situations with my high school students in particular. I would bend over backwards to help others and come home and crying because my little bit of help was not going to magically change things for them. I have to find the laughter to counterbalance that, because the weight of some of the things I knew was just too much to handle.

I joked with a friend of mine this morning that after last night, I was looking forward to going outside and lighting a fire in the fire pit and having a glass of wine. That is not happening any time soon. For one, I shouldn't be lifting any logs and two, I am being kind to my body right now. I think it has had more than enough stuff pumped into it recently that it needs a break, even though I haven't been taking Tylenol or anything else for several days. I do draw the line at coffee though. I have cut back, but I don't think anyone wants to encounter me if I haven't had at least one cup in the morning.  ::)
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#42: March 06, 2021, 06:47:53 AM
Dove -
I am sorry that you have the weight of your children's rantings on your shoulders.
I think it's the burden we often carry as the LBS. 
I think we all can understand sometimes the heaviness of it all, especially when compounded with our own thoughts, griefs, musings...

I hope that you are able to get out today - one way or another.
Even a walk perhaps, or maybe your S can take you later?

And your house reorganization sounds like a great new beginning to new space... 
Enjoy making it your home.

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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#43: March 06, 2021, 01:42:40 PM
I had the strangest dream last night. Incredibly vivid and I woke up and thought WTF???

In the dream, I was asleep and heard a rustling sound, only to look over to find Xh crawling into bed. Nothing sexual, just crawling into bed like he had done some nights after working late hours and not wanting to wake me. (And, in the dream, I was keenly aware of the fact that he does not live here anymore). In the dream, I knew exactly what thoughts were running through my head as I tried to process what was going on and one of the thoughts was "Oh, he!! no". He then got out of bed and I was completely confused as he said he was going to get some breakfast. I then rolled over to grab my phone off of my nightstand, where I picked up the book I was reading the night before, as it was on top of my phone. I wanted to text someone I loved them - and it wasn't Xh - and as I picked the book up magenta ink poured out of it all over my hands. I couldn't dial the phone because I was scrambling to get this ink off of my hands. I ran a sink and washed, but my hands were stained to my wrists, as if I had dipped them in magenta dye.

Now funny, in the dream, there was a bathroom upstairs and in the room we had originally planned on putting it before I was pregnant with D.

The dream continued with me starting to go downstairs to find the bottle of hand cleaner that S uses in the garage. And, as I descended the stairs, OW starts walking towards me, ready to climb the stairs. She had cut her hair exactly like I was pondering in reality the other day. She smiled at me and I was just completely speechless and continued down the stairs.

I entered into the kitchen, which was odd as my stairs don't land in the kitchen. The only house I ever knew that was like that in reality was my grandparent's house and as I stepped down, that was exactly what it was - except a hybrid of my current kitchen and my grandparent's. And, in the middle of the room was Xh eating a bowl of cereal, at what would have been the "kid's table" that my grandparent's brought out every holiday. A round, card-table that all the grandchildren sat at every holiday. I started to ask what he was doing at the house and he needed to leave. Before I got an answer the dog came over in the dream and proceeded to go to the bathroom on the floor next to Xh. I said to Xh that he needed to clean it up, because I was tired of cleaning up all of the messes. And, then I burst into tears, realizing that I still hadn't been able to send that text I so desperately was trying to send.

Of course, then in reality I woke up and tried to unravel that one. I told a couple of friends about it. My one friend, who had the same surgery this spring said that she had all sorts of weird dreams after for several weeks after her surgery. We decided (or convinced ourselves - LOL) it is the body processing the physical trauma. I am going with that theory, only because that was just really messed up and I know I haven't had any medications to bring on that sort of weird.

I know I really should not complain about the kids and their "stuff", as I am fortunate to have them in my life and to still maintain a close relationship with them. I realize that not everyone has that luxury. But, it is sometimes tough being the sole parent they feel they can rely on. And, because I have been pent up in the house without a real escape at the moment it was like wanting to play hide and seek, except, I really didn't want to be found for a very long time.  ::)

It is way too cold out at the moment for a walk. The cold wouldn't bother me as much as there are patches of black ice on the roadways and sidewalks. I don't want to tempt fate. It is supposed to warm up tomorrow into all of next week, with a forecasted near mid 60ºF for several of those days. By then, I should be able to drive and maybe go out for some exercise.

S had to work this morning and D has gotten so far ahead on her homework and studies she decided she could accommodate my need to get out for awhile. D was miserable for the first half an hour. I finally told her that I wasn't sure what her issue was, but I was not going to tolerate being the whipping post, so she had best either tell me what was up and get it off of her chest, work through it, or just drop me off and I would text her when I was ready to be picked up, because I was in no mood for spending the day with that attitude. She eased up and did tell me what was bothering her. I told her I understood, but she had a choice to make. She could let it roll off her back and enjoy the day, or allow the actions of others ruin her day. I told her that frankly, I was a fan of the second option. Life is too short to let stupid people hijack your life.

It took awhile for her to settle into embracing the day and I told her to quit being so serious. Sure, we had to get groceries, but who said it couldn't be fun, at least a little. As we stood in the check out she spotted a bag of mini Junior Mints. She smiled and said she loved getting those when we went to the movies. She wondered what the mini ones were like. Now, D is very conscientious about her diet, and that if fine, but I told her that having a treat once in awhile is not always bad. So she decided she would buy the bag of minis. I then reached down and grabbed the standard size she was used to. She gave me a look and I said no one said we had to eat all of them in one sitting, but since she wanted to know how they compared it seemed only right to do a true research. She laughed and told me I was such a nerd. Yah, I like my research.  ::) When we got home, she declared the minis have a better ratio of chocolate to mint than the originals. This was decided after we sampled 3 of each size. LOL

I saw the postal carrier through the library window and walked outside to get the mail from the box. There was one letter. Even before I read it, I knew the writing - Xh. Hmmmm. I came in the house and wondered what I was in for. So, it is made out to my actual name, although it is a very angry looking entry and it was written on the 3rd of this month. Before I looked at the memo area, I sort of laughed, wondering if he was very late with February or very early (for him) on March. Hmmm, it seems this is the February check.

I know Xh. He was waiting for me to call him after he tried to pull S into that whole tuition thing. I know his monster MLC behaviors. He wanted to have a fight and I know after all of the months of his behaviors, that this must be making him so angry. His monster needs the anger to continue to fuel this MLC of his. And, that doesn't mean, I am not going to down the line follow my plan to drop the hammer, I am just not wasting energy right now that I do not have at all. Just being out and about for a couple of hours wiped me out completely. I have been gathering up the necessary receipts and printing out every copy of every check and cross referencing it with all of the proper dates. So far, in the 4 years that he has had to pay support for D, he has only been on time once. And only one other time, did he contact me to let me know he was going to be late.

I cannot wait until August when D's support ends. I want the last remaining threads cut. I know there will always be a connection as long as he is involved in some capacity with at least S, but I really do not want to deal with him beyond that. Sad, that it came to that, but that was his doing.

Thanks, Seahorse.  :)
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#44: March 07, 2021, 02:45:10 AM
I wonder sometimes if I will ever be able to get to a point where nothing Xh does or says bothers me anymore. If the triggers will every all go away. Yes, most have dissipated and I don't have them nearly as often, or at least most I can push through and dust myself off, realizing that they are just that, triggers and I am in control of how I cope with them. But, this one, is hitting me particularly hard ATM and it is in part because I know I am still not functioning at anywhere near 100%. Yesterday's outing was good for me, but I was decidedly tired by the time I got home.

It was FIL who declared one day that all women go crazy and hormonal when they hit that, in his words, age of menopause. He would tell Xh to just wait, I too would become some raging nut job when that time came. This was before MLC really took hold in Xh and he just shook his head in disgust.

I had only ever experienced some issues with hormone fluctuations, when my cycles were all out of whack and I was mildly anemic. I was worn out and more melancholy than anything else during that time. Not even when I was pregnant were my hormones all over the place nor after the kids were born, at least not to any extreme.

I had mentioned that particular conversation to my sister back then and she laughed. She, of anyone I know would be brutally honest with me, being my sister. And, she would know as we were always very close. She assured me, that no, I have always been pretty even keel and if I was upset it was rarely due to hormones.

MIL, it would seem, she struggled with her hormones, according to all of Xh's siblings. But, I would argue that it probably had a lot to do with she was also at the time a raging alcoholic. Throw in, all but Xh had moved out of the house, and MIL had no life beyond the kids and keeping a tidy house. She struggled when she was left with FIL, who she really didn't know very well after all of the years together, because of his military career. All she know was her very isolated life with the kids. Then FIL picked up with Xh's best friend's M and things just deteriorated more. Now, this was all happening when FIL claims MIL was hormonal. IDK - I often have wondered if MIL's "hormones" and raging anger, etc wasn't more along the lines of a toxic cocktail of things falling apart in her life. I wasn't there, so I have no real clue, but I somehow think maybe MIL wasn't just hormonal.

I have known people who are moody or had postpartum depression or have been very mercurial during menopause. I know it can happen, but I know far more that are not. I have heard women complain about their hot flashes, etc, but most of them are not exactly running around foaming at the mouth and out of their minds like FIL painted women out to be.

At the height of Xh's MLC monster, he brought up this topic and it was not a discussion. At the time, yes, I was an emotional wreck. Did hormones play a part. Doubtful, beyond the fact that my body was so out of whack nothing was normal. But, my outbursts were not rooted in hormones. My emotions were all out of the place because life was unravelling at the seams and I had a H who was suddenly hanging out on Friday nights and who knew when he was coming home. I knew in my heart by then he had OW on the side. I was trying to hold life together for both kids, and my job. So, was I a bit on edge. Probably, but it wasn't brought on by hormone changes by any stretch of the imagination. But one night, when Xh was particularly brutal in his accusations, he informed me that I was clearly going through menopause and nuts. (Funny, still haven't gone through menopause, so that doesn't quite compute).

That night, I remember just sobbing. I actually questioned myself. I was convinced in that moment that I was the problem and maybe I was hormonal. The gaslighting and continual MLCer emotional beatdowns had me second guessing myself and taking the blame for so many things that were not about me at all. And, the problem is, the MLCer was so good at just putting enough of some actual valid complaint or observation in those lies to make me take all of it and believe every bit of what he was telling me. It must all be true if there was a little tiny bit of truth in there. I must have been this awful, unstable person. I was the one with the problem and why he had to leave and I pushed him to be want with OW. It was my fault, because who would want to be with the madwoman I clearly was.

Now most of the time, Xh just aggravates me. He riles me up and then I blow off steam. Even those moments are not nearly as often as they once were.

Last night S had come home from spending a few hours with Xh. He was very upset with Xh and he was telling me about what had annoyed him. He hadn't seen Xh since Christmas and S thought he would make the effort. When he arrived, Xh had offered S's GF some chocolate. When he opened up a shipping box, S asked what that was about. Xh said it was a care package he had made up for S weeks ago, but he hadn't had time to go to the post office, so instead he just has been eating the contents himself.

On the one hand, that amused S, but on the other, it bugged him. He knows Xh lives right near the post office in his village. Xh also works in 2 larger cities for his multiple jobs, where there are post offices within a block of his work. S told me that what bothered him was Xh's joking about it. And, S is not particularly thin-skinned, so I knew there was more to this whole level of aggravation.

Out it came. S went on to say that he told Xh he needed to get home. He had been helping Xh with a project and Xh seemed annoyed S had to leave. When Xh asked why, S said D would be leaving and S needed to be home to help me take care of the dog. Xh gave S grief about that at first wanting to know why I couldn't take care of the dog. S said he told him I cannot handle the dog right now. S told me that Xh had to process a minute, having forgotten about the surgery. What then set S off was Xh's snide comment about how it is a good thing I had a hysterectomy because it will probably take care of my attitude. S said that comment confused him greatly and he didn't want to engage with Xh.

S was getting ready for bed and told me he really didn't understand Xh's comment and clearly he really no longer knows who I am. I told S to just ignore Xh's ramblings about me as his opinion of me no longer matters. S gave me a hug and went to bed.

The problem is, once S left the room, I felt like I had just been stabbed. The level of hurt that bubbled up was awful. I thought I had wrestled through it before bed, but woke up at 3 am this morning and could feel the tears burning my eyes. Yah, sure having surgery fixed my attitude. LOL. Wow, that one stung. And, it is stupid. I know the truth. So why is this particular comment really bothering me so much? Is it that it brings back those feelings of insecurity I have so desperately punched down?

I have no real reason to let this get to me. And maybe it is the timing. I am not feeling 100% and am worn out easily. I am healing and it could just be that right now, this is getting to me more than it should.

All I know right now, is I am not liking this feeling because if I let it get to me I might slide down the slippery slope of feeling discarded and not desirable at all.

Once the sun rises, maybe I need to get outside and take a walk. I need something to clear my head. I can't let Xh's lies filter into my brain like this. He doesn't know me anymore, nor should I let him take up headspace, especially when his opinions no longer should matter to me. I am not who he made me out to be, nor am I who I was back then.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#45: March 07, 2021, 03:18:21 AM
Oddly enough, Mourning, my view on reading this was nothing about you at all.
I just thought 'what a nasty, self-centred, petty, misogynistic and tbh spectacularly stupid man your xh is'....
My second thought was how much like your description of your FIL he sounded.....

Can you even imagine other decent sensible men you know saying something similar?
And what would you think if you heard a man voice these kinds of views about women normally? Wouldn't it make you feel ick about what kind of person they were rather than doubt the object of their vitriol?

He's an unpleasant and foolish a$$. Which says precisely zip about you. And I suspect your son is slowly coming to that opinion too which must be difficult for him.

It's ok to feel a bit sad about that if you remember a time when he was a better kind of man, but please don't let your xh - or the nasty spirit of your FIL - gaslight you from a distance. :)
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« Last Edit: March 07, 2021, 03:21:03 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#46: March 07, 2021, 04:56:51 AM
Seems that it was a poor attempt of humor on his part to distract from the fact that you had a serious medical event and he could not find any empathy for that. If he´s trying to maintain his self-perception of being a good guy, then you have to be the "fall guy".  He stuck his foot in his mouth and maybe, just maybe it´ll stay there a while and prevent further comments that alienate your son.

Warm temps are heading this way this week- hope you get to sit on the back patio in the sunshine.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#47: March 07, 2021, 08:00:32 AM
The thoughts above make a lot of sense and there is probably some truth in both - perhaps he is being nasty, self-centered, and misogynistic, and he is also making a joke in very poor taste as a coping mechanism. For me, it’s harder to hear about something said behind my back than to deal with something said to my face. I think in our minds, the person we loved and trusted is still in there, and their coldness with us is about crisis, but when they aren’t around us, that decent human being makes an appearance. So it feels like those nasty sentiments are their real feelings, and that hurts. But I think often, the things they express away from us are a really good indication of how deep this dis-ease runs. He’s not just gaslighting you, he’s gaslighting himself (and your S). And that doesn’t make it any easier to hear those things from him, but clearly he is in the tunnel and doesn’t know the truth of the situation at all.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#48: March 07, 2021, 08:22:31 AM
I am sorry MourningDove, just reading his words made me feel hurt.....your feelings about these "thoughts" of his are totally valid.

I hope you have a better and peaceful day today.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#49: March 07, 2021, 12:22:14 PM
If it were me, I would very much be upset. Because the comment was unjust, uncalled for, insensitive and most of all blatantly UNTRUE.

Sure, sticks and stones and all that. Except I have a very hard time when someone tells untruths about me and there is nothing I can do about it except live my life so that no one who really knows me will believe the untruths. It's BULLYING, for goodness sake, telling untruths about someone else. It UNCARING to make light of such a thing.  And it's not something you chose for yourself, and that might be sad on some level for you and now you've been bullied and dismissed by way of your confused son.

Of COURSE it is disturbing and upsetting.

He's a Bozo.
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« Last Edit: March 07, 2021, 12:50:26 PM by OffRoad »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#50: March 07, 2021, 05:09:34 PM
Thank you, Treasur, forthetrees, Curiosity, xyzcf and OffRoad.

I fell back asleep around 6 am and didn't wake up until I heard S walking into my room at nearly noon. He smiled and said I should get up and embrace the day, as it was much warmer than they had originally forecasted. I could not believe I had slept so late. He then asked if I would like a scrambled egg. I must have had a rather confused look on my face at first and he laughed at me, as I said that sounded good. S does cook and quite well. I came downstairs to find my coffee was ground, and the water was boiling, but S doesn't drink coffee and he said he wasn't going to attempt that on his own. He served me breakfast at the bar and we just enjoyed the sun streaming in.

We didn't discuss last night and that is because he and I are very much alike. We both knew it upset both of us. It is not that the topic was off limits, as there is nothing off limits anymore in my house with the kids. MLC made our relationships much more open than I sometimes like, but it is the brutal honesty that we all seem to need with one another. But, that said, we also usually know when to let certain things just rest. This was one of those things. There was no reason to decipher what Xh said. We both knew it was completely wrong and hurtful. I had no reason to discuss with S why it hurt me so badly. There is no point in me turning this into an opportunity to gouge Xh. S knows it was way off base and his F was being an a$$.

I won't say it wasn't still bothering me, but I chose to try and focus on doing something that kept me busy and allowed me to burn off some of the energy. At first it was difficult to think about what I could possibly do that would be productive yet also not put me at risk for doing something really stupid. I chose to skim coat D's room where some of the repairs had been made. I didn't climb the ladder, nor did I overexert myself. I was able to get the worst of the areas and should be able to sand those areas a little at at time over the next week so that D can help me paint the walls in the areas that were repaired. I didn't touch the closet yet. I will deal with that later in the week and I will have D's BF take care of the ceiling for me.

I was able to work away and think about why last night upset me so much.

For one, I have worked so hard to separate out what was fact and what was fiction. With the gaslighting it was so difficult to fall into the trap of believing all of it. When in fact, Xh's monster wove in things that he used to love about me and suddenly they were problems. He would put in just enough of those little flaws that always got under his skin, or point out physical flaws he know would upset me. One time, he chose to make mention of the scars on my arm - something that took me years to overcome. When we first met, he told me that they were part of my story and I should not be ashamed of them. In MLC, they were now a weapon Xh chose to use against me. When he began gaslighting it was not something I picked up on right away, it was gradual and by the time he was ready to move out, the monster had really nearly reduced me to feeling such self loathing it was just mind boggling. I had never been that self conscious. I was always very aware of my flaws and yet, was very self confident, and pretty accepting of some of my imperfections, while also trying to grow and change the things I didn't like.

The truth is, maybe what shocked me last night, or perhaps it is I had forgotten how brutal those words were back then. Prior to MLC, Xh was not someone who did that to me, or anyone else. BIL has always said Xh was the very sensitive sibling and had a huge heart. He was like his F in some ways, but not in those ways. And Xh swore he never wanted to be like his F. He worked very hard not to be that way with the kids and I, even when he was really upset.

I believe that FIL never giving Xh what Xh so desperately wanted - his F's approval -  pushed this behavior to appear. Xh was already in MLC by the time FIL was diagnosed for the second time with cancer, this time terminal, that at first, I attributed the monster behavior to that stress. But, in truth, I now see that Xh became his F, as if to somehow show his F that he was like him and maybe that would bring on some form of acceptance from his F. It never came. Now, Xh is this very odd combination of himself, his F and now deceased BIL. As if he is trying to hold on to their memories by somehow becoming like them. IDK - it is very hard to witness in that what person exists in Xh's body is not the man I was married to, nor is it what the kids remember as their F.

I guess, hearing that last night was shocking and it shouldn't have been. Why would I expect something from a man who is still so deep in his crisis to show any type of empathy or kindness. He has been firmly planted in this persona now for well over 5 years with no real movement towards somehow working through it.

D had been out early with her BF and when she returned home S and I were sitting at the kitchen bar, just taking about his projects and enjoying the sunshine. D and S like to send me things all the time. They have me on Facebook all the time now that they are back at school. They like to send me things via messenger or they will sometimes text me. As I was sitting at the bar, my phone pinged. It was a group message to S and I from D. She was sitting there with a Cheshire Cat grin on her face. She sent me pictures of her and S when they were little. Then it began - I sent one back I had. S started in. This went on throughout the day.

At one point, D sent a picture of herself at my sister's wedding. She was the flower girl and all of 4 years old. She was cute as a button, but at midnight, when I was staying later and enjoying the dancing, D wanted to stay as well. Xh said he would take the kids home, as S was exhausted, as was D, but she was clearly on fumes. We laugh now because when we said it was time for her to go home, she turned into the Tasmanian devil in a pink gown. Today, we were laughing as S would walk by D and make growling sounds. She burst out laughing. Yah it was just like that.  ::)

D was going back to her BF's for the night and S helped me bring up some laundry. We were folding some of his things and he stopped and looked at me. I waited, wondering what he was about to say. He asked if D knew anything about the comments Xh made last night. I told him I didn't say a word, as I felt there was really no need to bring it up to D. What reason would I have to do that. He sighed and said he was truly sorry and he agreed that D didn't need any more reason to be angry with Xh.

I know S is struggling to reconcile this and I am not about to somehow add to his confusion. I unfortunately know from my own experience that I had to come to grips with Xh's behaviors on my own. I had to work through the gaslighting and only when I was ready to admit that was going on, did I suddenly start listening to others. Before that, I was too far in denial. S is in the same place I was at one point.

I wish none of this were the way things are. It is painful watching the kids have to go through it, but I cannot walk through the fire for them. And, I am not about to begin to behave like Xh. Sometimes the high road really sucks.

As for my own feelings. I am still having a tough time with it, I am not going to lie. I think it was just one of those moments that hearing those words again was particularly difficult.

I am not a sobbing mess. Logically, I know this is all about Xh and there is no truth in what he was projecting. Maybe because I haven't had to see him up close for months, while I know he is jerking me around about the support, maybe part of me believed he had mellowed a little and was somehow different. It is not that I was hoping for him to come back, but I had hoped maybe for his and the kid's sake he was improving. Guess not.

Tomorrow, the sun is supposed to be out and much warmer. I was able to take a short walk today before being wiped out. Tomorrow, I will attempt a little bit longer or perhaps a couple of short walks. I survived the gaslighting with Xh by going on walks before, so I can only believe this will help me to work through this the rest of the way. Walks are usually where I find my peace.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#51: March 08, 2021, 02:09:32 AM
He's a Bozo.

THAT is an insult to clowns everywhere! <snort!>

Actually, going back to the previous descriptions fits... Walking golden Richard Cranium WITH EARS!

Quote from: Mourning Dove
And Xh swore he never wanted to be like his F. He worked very hard not to be that way with the kids and I, even when he was really upset.

I believe that FIL never giving Xh what Xh so desperately wanted - his F's approval -  pushed this behavior to appear. Xh was already in MLC by the time FIL was diagnosed for the second time with cancer, this time terminal, that at first, I attributed the monster behavior to that stress. But, in truth, I now see that Xh became his F, as if to somehow show his F that he was like him and maybe that would bring on some form of acceptance from his F. It never came. Now, Xh is this very odd combination of himself, his F and now deceased BIL. As if he is trying to hold on to their memories by somehow becoming like them.

The apple didn't fall far from the tree now , did it?

My vindictive side (and I know, I know... I'm going to Hades) says the perfect reply would be something like "Didn't you say that you did NOT want to be like <FIL's name here>?  What happened to that?" or "Hey, at least I was able to solve the problem with surgery. What are YOU going to use? How about exorcism?"

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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#52: March 08, 2021, 05:44:46 PM
Thanks, all I could think of this morning immediately was the song "Send in the Clowns".

UrsaMajor - I will save you a seat on that bus the bus to Hades.  ::) Those would have been good responses, I must admit. LOL

So, this morning I was thinking about how people think I was some hell raising kid growing up or that I am that now. I am the furthest thing from a partier and never was one. My friend and I were nicknamed the "Goody Two Shoes Girls" in high school. I was shy and well behaved. I still am not a huge rule breaker. I am just not always so shy as I once was, and I dance and laugh more now. I don't have the same fears.

I was thinking back to my childhood though. I was allowed to be a kid and my "wild-child" side did show up in ways like when I was creative or in the spring and summer - running through the fields barefoot and getting muddy in the creek bed. Sometimes in a dress.

As an adult, I can get dressed up with a full manicure and makeup and throw the shoes off and splash in puddles.

Today, I wanted to embrace my wild child side. It was after my M called me and I felt the walls closing in. She is looking after me, and I appreciate it, but the past weeks having everyone mothering me has been a little overwhelming. I know I have needed help, but the type of help sometimes creeps into areas I don't need help with. I have been learning to ask for help on those things I cannot and should not do. I had S do some things for me before he left this morning for school.

The sun was out and I have had the all clear to drive for a few days, I just held off. I was smart enough to leave when I knew my parents would be out, so that my M wouldn't worry. As far as she was concerned, I was still home. And, she doesn't always check on my whereabouts. The running joke sometimes is me having to call my sister, who lives over an hour away to ask her if she knows where my parents are. But, with the Covid shutdown and my surgery, she checks on me all the time. And, I know I should be so grateful.

Frankly, after this weekend's garbage, I needed to just shift gears and reclaim part of myself. So, I had a reason to go out and  that was to pick up a maintenance prescription that had been filled.

I curled my hair, pulled it back and put on a pair of heels - the first pair of high heels since before the surgery. I stopped short of changing my nail color, but walked out the door made up like I had a date. I got in the car and immediately threw the sunroof wide open, even though it was still a brisk 43ºF out, but the sun was streaming in. The music went on and I will admit it was turned up to volumes that would annoy D, I am sure. My sunglasses were on and I went to the bank to cash the check from Xh.

I walked in the bank and an older gentleman, stopped at the door and waited for me. He held the door and said a beautiful woman should have the door held for her. My neighbor was behind the counter, and she laughed, saying he is very polite. Frankly, I am sure he says that to every woman and it was not done in a creepy manner. He was clearly old-school. Chivalrous. And, IDK, I am not such an independent woman that I don't appreciate some chivalry.

I was going to wash my car and saw the line in the automatic car wash lane. There was a slight temptation to just wash it myself, but I realized that is probably a no-no. The car was going to need gas and I started just driving not really sure what gas station I was going to go to. I felt the urge to drive on the toll road and as I entered the ramp I just chose to go east instead west, which is the direction I normally head. I wasn't sure where I was really going. I felt my wild child side just bubbling up. Oh, I behaved. I had already experienced my first speeding ticket before the new year. I am not looking to repeat that - ever. Stupidest money I ever spent - because, well, I knew I was guilty and just accepted my fate.

As I drove, I looked up and saw a flock of birds, and then the sunlight hit their wings, and I knew I was going the right way.

I literally went on a merry goose chase. I drove for nearly an hour and got off the toll road to put gas in the car. Some young guy was putting gas in his car ahead of me. The kid was trying to get my attention and I was so busy looking at the geese going over. I have no interest in a twenty something kid who was probably driving daddy's Mercedes. I was cashing out and the kid came in and started getting flirty. I could see the cashier cracking up. Um, no.

I got back in the car and drove to the flat lands. The landscape was like a giant quilt. Parts covered in snow. Other sections the snow had melted and receded to expose the left over corn stalks and green grass. In the flat lands, there were still areas of ice and the dark blue sky and sunshine made them look like perfect mirrors.

Every bit of stress just left my body. Xh who?

Nothing that Xh said matters. His words may have stung, but I refused to let them filter in any more. I slowed down, realizing I had not prepared for a wild child moment. It is still winter, and barefoot is not an option. I pulled over and realized that D was very "helpful" and had cleaned out my car. My emergency boots were not in the trunk or the back seat. Boo. Well, no matter, I took a longer drive instead. I will go back with my camera this week. While my cell phone has a decent camera, my other camera is much better with a variety of lenses.

I was stopping to pick up my prescription when my phone rang. It was my M. I could honestly say I was picking up my prescription. She accepted that answer and I said I was going to be home later, as I was going to pick up a few things. Not a lie. I did. I picked up a bottle of wine and makings for dinner, as both kids are at college. S is back on campus and D has her anatomy lab until at least 9 pm tonight.

Xh tripped me up. His words hurt. But, I guess it was just a surface wound.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#53: March 09, 2021, 04:02:33 AM
Xh tripped me up. His words hurt. But, I guess it was just a surface wound.

Sorry but I can't resist the opportunity.... You can hate me later...  :-*

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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#54: March 09, 2021, 10:13:51 AM
UrsaMajor - I walked into that one and should have anticipated the Monty Python reference in response. LOL. Yes, it was just like that.  ::)

I gave some thought to Xh's words and how in some ways it is also very telling about Xh's and his family's inability to accept any type of mental issues people might have. Admitting anyone in their family had any problems mentally did not happen. Deceased BIL, there is no doubt had some form of bipolar or other manic disorder. And he compounded it with alcoholism and gambling, which most of the family looked the other way and enabled the behaviors instead of admitting there was a problem. That would be admitting that there was something "wrong" with one of their own and some form of weakness.

I remember when now deceased BIL came to visit and FIL commenting on how environmentally conscious BIL had become. BIL was reusing the same water bottle over and over again, refilling it. It was not meant to be refilled. Funny, I never saw him fill from the tap, but FIL was convinced he was all about the environment. At the time, my one SIL and I looked at each other knowing what was in that bottle - pure vodka. And, Xh's sister now does that with a large coffee thermos it would seem, but she makes "Irish coffee" she claims. Problem is, the kids both noted at one point that it is more along the lines of a lot of rum, not whiskey and very little coffee and she goes through a large bottle of rum in a weekend by herself. But, no one, aside from the one BIL I have contact with still would ever admit to any flaws that might point towards a mental issue.

It is why I am convinced Xh will never deal with his own issues. It would be admitting there is something wrong with him. I recall telling him one time that I didn't see how that was any different in some ways than perhaps dealing with high blood pressure, etc if you could medicate it. And, I know it is not that simple in some cases, but my point at the time, was some issues, like perhaps depression can often be leveled out with the right form of medications and/or counseling.

My thoughts don't solve anything. I think it was just me really grasping the insanity of Xh's comments. Yes, it is easier for him to believe I am some crazy woman than to address his demons.

The thoughts about Xh were very short lived and I didn't spend too much time trying to somehow diagnose or unravel it all. I processed and have just chalked it up to Xh's continued nonsense.

I was alone last night, and made a nice dinner for myself. I had several phone calls from friends checking in on me. One text was from my one coworker at the gallery. She has been so thoughtful, having texted the day after my surgery and asking me if I needed anything at all. Yesterday, she joked that I should be up and ready to dance just in time for the music festival that is apparently hoping to move forward by the late spring. We will see. I assured her I will be dancing on my back deck if nothing else.

During the late afternoon, I had gotten a text from a friend of mine that I haven't heard from in a while, but she is one of those that we just pick up where we left off. Because of our schedules and different time zones we try to connect every few weeks on a weekend. It had been before the holidays since I talked to her last. I had been thinking about her and it was good to hear her voice, but I knew from the afternoon text asking if I was free last night that meant something was up. And it was. I hadn't told her what all had been going on here, and she felt bad at first needing a shoulder to lean on, but I was more than happy to be that person for her. She said I was the one person that would understand why she was upset and I totally got it. We talked for hours. Laughing and just reflecting on the madness life had thrown in the works.

This morning, she sent me the nicest text - a thank you for being in her life and being there to work through what had transpired.

I don't mind being that friend. Sometimes it helps me to be honest. I needed adult conversation.

I love my kids. I love spending time with them, but as I told my friend last night, the reality is and I am big enough to admit it, that there have been moments where I have been angry at being left holding the bag. Xh put me in the position of being the responsible parent and like it or not, sometimes that ticked me off. It is a job, I was willing to do, as the kids and I were in it together, but it also meant giving up some of my own freedoms at times. Yes, they were older, but D's triggers and fears of abandonment had to be overcome. S needed me more for guidance on schools and when Xh made last minute decisions to not be there for him.

There have been times where I have been down right angry with the situation. Not with the kids. Maybe frustrated, but not really angry at them. It just felt so unfair sometimes. I didn't always like being the only one dealing with everything the kids needed.

My one friend doesn't quite understand, because she has an X who actually coparents. She talks about missing the kids, etc. Do I miss my kids? Yes, at times. But, I am not going to lie. Yesterday was a needed bit of freedom. Time for myself to just be alone with my thoughts. I wouldn't have minded having someone else along, but I didn't want to hear about college courses or the chatter from twenty something year old's lives in that moment. And, to some people that sounds terribly selfish and horrible. I have beat myself up over that enough over the past few years - trying to strike that balance and not wanting to be self centered like Xh made me overcompensate too much. My kids are not left in the lurch and it is okay if I take time for myself.

Tomorrow, I have set aside time to meet my sister for coffee and we are going to attempt a walk, although I don't think I can handle our usual 5 miles yet. I asked her if she was okay with maybe just a walk around the block. We of course decided we would go back to our routine and get our cup of coffee and bring it with us. It is supposed to be beautiful tomorrow. I need the change of scenery and I refuse to feel guilty about taking that time.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#55: March 09, 2021, 10:19:39 PM
Your XH's comments were pure misogyny and echoed your FIL's multiple comments about women that you've shared over time.

Yet another erosion in his relationship with S.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#56: March 10, 2021, 01:07:10 AM
It is another proof of the FOO at work and that the apple didn't fall far from the tree....

"I do not want to be like dear old dad... so I'll become him totally instead...."
Even the dog gets it...
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#57: March 10, 2021, 05:56:19 PM
Reinventing & UrsaMajor - I am afraid Xh has morphed into some strange version of FIL. It is really very bizarre to try and reconcile who Xh was and who he has become. But, not my circus - and sometimes I have to remind myself of that when he trips me up.

The weather was absolutely perfect today. The temps were higher than anticipated and I decided to just embrace the entire day.

I was up early and took the dog out for her morning walk. Those are short walks now, due to her continuing health issues, although she has been much better since the vet prescribed a medicine for arthritis that seems to also relax her breathing enough that it is not nearly as labored. And, of course, my own recuperation is making for shorter walks for both of us. She seems better when I break up the walks into these shorter sessions.

As we walked past the one field I heard a noise that was familiar, but I couldn't quite place the bird call. It was a Killdeer. It landed fairly close by and I was rather surprised at where it is building a nest. I have seen them in marshy areas, but only once or twice over the years in other fields. But, this one surprised me, as I have never, ever encountered one so nearby. It went back to working on it's "housing" while I walked by.

When we looped back around, and I went in to get ready to meet my sister.

Before I left the house, I went out on the back deck and heard a flock of geese flying very low. I looked up and realized that they were Snow Geese and I hadn't thought about the fields south of my house. They are usually not visible because of the foliage along the creek bed. But, they were in fact corn fields this past fall and there is a very large, secluded pond on that property. I used to go with my friends on hikes back to that pond, when the former owner allowed us to trek through the fields. I watched the geese land and it is not a large flock, but just the same, it made me quite happy this morning.

I opted for the longer drive to my sister's. The much more scenic route, which as so many historical markers along the way. I began to think about how one of these days I should just stop at every sign with the different markers and really study them. There are certainly plenty to read and from different points in history. Today, I just scoped them out and am putting it on my list of things to do at a later date. It will give me some time to perhaps map out a plan of attack.

I arrived at my sister's and spent a little time with my niece and nephew before they had to log for their classes. My sister and I decided not to meet up at our usual spot, as with the good weather it would potentially be very crowded. (That was the case, as I drove back home that way and that small village was bursting with people on the trails). Instead, we walked through my sister's neighborhood. She wanted to show me a yard that she loves where these beautiful blue flowers pop out this time of year and she would like to get some for her house. When I saw them I knew they were Siberian Squill and I told her I know where to get them. She was all excited and asked which nursery had them. I laughed and told her to think really hard about our childhood and where we used to have a swing in a tree. She stopped and realized that the one garden by my parent's house had them when we were kids.

It was always a magical little garden. It was overgrown in some areas and not part of the gardens around my parent's house. We loved that garden. It had vines that swooped down and created this little enclosed area, maybe 20ft x 20ft and the ground was covered in little flowers and ivy. The trees made a perfect wall, and there were rock formations that had been man made creations - rocks piled and stuck together with mortar. The original owners of my parent's house liked to make these formations all over the property. And, in that little garden was a wooden seat attached to old chain links that had been there for years. We spent hours swinging on that swing and playing in that little garden area.

Now, many of the trees have been cut back. They began losing limbs and when they were cut down, some of the vines died off as well due to the change in lighting. For a long time, the flowers didn't cover the ground the same way, but in recent years the ground has been positively electric blue when spring hits and those little flowers emerge.

We had a really lovely walk and we were out for a long time. We didn't hurry and the pace was maybe slower than I normally would walk, but it was nice to be out in the sunshine. When all was said and done, we had covered 2 miles round trip. Which was a big deal considering I haven't been able to go that terribly far. But, it helped that this was all flat, paved roads.

I ended up driving my sister to her hair appointment and I went and put gas in my car and picked up a coffee before picking her back up.

I was home by dinner time and D made dinner. I was exhausted by then and suddenly she wanted to talk about her guest lecturer in her one class. I did a lot of "uh huh" answers. I will be honest, I was half listening. She didn't notice and I feel bad that I was not more invested, but I honestly didn't want to hear about this particular topic, as it was a bit heavy. That said, I know D needed to talk about it. She seemed happy that I was "listening" and she went off to study.

Tomorrow is supposed to be even more spectacular weather wise. I may try to spend some of my day outside tomorrow, but I have to really find something I can do that won't make me get into trouble. I keep stopping myself from doing potentially stupid things. It is wonderful that I feel so much better, but it is making it difficult in that I forget I am supposed to be taking it easy because I haven't felt this good in a long time. One day at a time. - Again with the time and patience.  ::)
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#58: March 11, 2021, 02:23:09 PM
S had mentioned to me this past weekend that Xh decided to unload his SUV and sell it to his sister. He told S that he lost his shirt on that car and he was still making payments on it up until he sold it to SIL.

I went to get my mail from the mailbox there were the usual bills, etc. A piece of mail for Xh that made me laugh, as it was another one for his business. Another credit card offer. I threw that one back in the box with a note to return to sender. And then a piece of mail addressed to me from our old auto insurance company.

I switched providers when Xh moved out, when the company we had our homeowner's policy through gave me an umbrella policy that the other company couldn't compete with. I was never unhappy with the other company, but it came down getting good coverage and better rates.

S still has auto insurance through this other company, so at first I did a double take, wondering if maybe it was his name, as our names start with the same first letter. Nope - it was addressed to me.

Upon opening the letter, I had a complete WTF moment. It seems I don't have to worry, my 2007 SUV has been removed from the policy.  ::) Hmmm- I have never had an SUV, first of all. I felt my body stiffen and D came in to ask me something about going to the grocery store before going to her hair appointment. I think I shocked her when I sort of tossed my debit card her way and shooed her away. I was on the phone by then.

I was becoming more agitated as the prerecorded "press one" bit kicked in. Did I know my policy number, etc. I wanted to say - where is the number I press for Xh who is not a responsible adult? The rep was very nice and I calmly explained to her my concerns - as in, why am I getting this mail? Am I listed on this policy? It is not an address affiliated with Xh and hasn't been for years. How do I get myself removed from all of these documents. And, I am not looking to cancel Xh's policy, but I also do not want to be the one to sort this out with a man who clearly has not done what needs to happen.

The insurance company took down all of my information and made notes in the file. Seems Xh has never updated his address. He gets his statements, electronically, but has never bothered in the time he has been gone to change his address. And, that is something the insurance company said they are going to verify with him, because it is a bit of a problem, considering he doesn't have either of his "addresses" listed. I told the rep, I refuse to pass on what addresses I have for him, because I am not sure which one is accurate.

I got off the phone and am glad it is resolved, but I was furious. That is all I would need. I am glad it is resolved, but I thought about what if I had been on that policy unbeknownst to me and that address was being used? How would that shake out if someone had an accident? Would that mean I would have to prove he and I were no longer connected? And, I know Xh - he never liked carrying enough insurance. I kept tabs on those things. I had this feeling perhaps a bit of drama - but I felt my protective side kicking in - and thinking could something like that have put my house at risk if he got into trouble?

I let it go, but it makes me incredibly angry that his inability to be an adult is still filtering in. I know he is probably a hot mess and scatterbrained. He wanted to be on his own.I am just grateful the rep was able to resolve it. I had no desire to text him or call him to tell him he needed to remove my information. I know it probably wouldn't get taken care of, for one thing.

D came back from her appointment and she had a curious look on her face. I told her I was sorry about earlier and she laughed. She knew I wasn't being nasty, I was clearly on a mission and something had gotten me a bit rattled. She went on to explain what had transpired.

She had arrived at the hair salon early and sat in the waiting area. The stylist has always kept her appointments spread out even before Covid. I don't think in all the years I have gone there have I ever encountered more than one other person at a time, as it is her own salon. D said in the chair was a man that she thought she knew and it took her a minute to realize who it was. It was Xh's remaining client. Before Xh's MLC and the divorce, we spent many hours with him and his family. His S used to come and visit regularly. But, it has been several years since D has seen him and she has changed quite a bit. Having a mask on doesn't help for recognition.

She said hello to him and asked how his kids and wife were. He stopped a minute trying to process who she was. She said she was Xh's daughter and she pulled her mask down quickly to which he laughed and said there is no denying she is related to Xh. They had a lovely visit and she said what was fascinating is he asked her all sorts of pertinent questions.

Now some of it is because this client would remember certain things, as he was always very good about taking not of people and their interests out of genuine interest on his own part. He is a people person and very engaging. But, he had some very specific things that D said he would not have known without hearing them from Xh, because I haven't seen him in years and the only other person who has any connection to him is my neighbor's daughter who works at his office, but she wouldn't know some of the things that came up. Clearly, Xh has been paying attention.

The questions were about how D liked her university and he asked specifics about her program of study, which he knew. He asked how her PT was going for her ankle. And more.

D's comment to me was it is a very weird thing. She doesn't know if Xh is putting on a show, or is he legitimately proud of her, etc. I asked her what she thought. She stopped and processed a bit. Her assessment is Xh is proud, as he would have been before, and he clearly takes note, but he is somehow unable to make the connection to these are the things he should be talking to her about. She was not angry, but I think there is also part of her that has resigned herself to the fact that Xh cares, but he is unable and in some ways unwilling to get the help he needs.

We didn't discuss it any further. I don't know what to think in regards to him sharing all of that information. Unfortunately, part of me thinks it is part of his facade he has created. He likes bragging about what his kids are doing, but can't bring himself to acknowledge it with them. It is how FIL operated as well.

I am not going to share my thoughts with D about it. There is no need. It doesn't really matter what the reasoning is, as in many ways it doesn't really solve things, nor does it somehow make Xh's behavior any more palatable to D. It is just more of the same messed up garbage.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#59: March 12, 2021, 02:25:36 AM
Quote from: Mourning Dove
Would that mean I would have to prove he and I were no longer connected? And, I know Xh - he never liked carrying enough insurance.

The decree takes care of that on one fell swoop..... Basically a "Dove gets out of Jail Free" card.... and if xH is under-insured, that is HIS problem..... but at least it is taken care of...

Quote from: Mourning Dove
Unfortunately, part of me thinks it is part of his facade he has created. He likes bragging about what his kids are doing, but can't bring himself to acknowledge it with them. It is how FIL operated as well.

MLC is as MLC does..... xFIL(RIP) was EXACTLY the same way..... He would brag how this kid did this or that or worked here or there but to praise the kid themselves or take interest? FAIL!
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#60: March 12, 2021, 06:27:14 AM
UrsaMajor - I may have been a bit reactive yesterday. It is possible that the insurance company automatically picked up my name when Xh used this address. My worry was probably for nothing in terms of some of those "what if scenarios". I think having had so many pieces of mail show up the past couple of weeks, especially the jury summons just had me waiting for the next surprise. Yes, the divorce decree would have solved that issue in one fell swoop. And, my phone call resolved the issue, but my feeling is along the lines of "come on - why is this so hard for Xh"?

That whole need for the MLCer to be independent and how that was his consistent complaint makes it that more aggravating. For someone who claimed that is what he needed and wanted - wanting to be free of me - he hasn't really done what needs to happen. Why should this surprise me?

This morning, I saw the document I wrote all my notes on from the insurance company and I will put it in the corresponding file. I laughed thinking maybe I should add a new file category of MLCer Messes I am still cleaning up.

And then to cap off the evening with a complete laugh, I received an alert from S's college. Seems Mr. MLCer didn't pay the entire balance and there was a $200 residual that needed to be paid. I just paid it and am shrugging it off. Whatever. Yup, it cost me money, but as far as I am concerned it is not worth any interaction with the MLCer and S is stressed out enough as he was studying for an upcoming exam. I texted him and let him know that there was a balance and I took care of it. It was a few moments later S texted back that Xh had gotten the same alert and went into a tirade, to which S told him not to get his knickers in a twist and said "M took care of it. She always does". Ouch - not sure how that went over.  ::)

The sun is out the weather is gorgeous. The Mourning Dove that was outside last week has reappeared. It was sitting on the wire where it had been so many times before during the height of MLC. I have no way of knowing if it is the same bird, but there is a strange comfort in seeing it in that exact same spot. Maybe there is some scientific reason it sits there, but I prefer to think it is there for my benefit.  ;)

Last night, I had gone to shower at my parent's house. I came out of the bathroom and my M made a funny face as she could see a mark on my chest. She paused and asked if it was a hickey. I looked down and started laughing. Um, no - just me being clumsy. I tripped the garage and hit a pipe that S had on the work bench when I went to check the thermostat in the garage. It would have been so easy to get my M all wound up and weaving a ridiculous story that would have my F rolling on the floor, but I figured I should behave myself. I laughed at her and explained what had happened and she said it was a good thing I could cover that up because people might get the wrong impression. Clearly - LOL.

Of course, leave it to my sister, who thought this was just hysterical. She was laughing at the idea of me being this wild divorced woman. I said, yup that is me.  ::) I went from loyal, faithful wife to this crazy divorced woman in the neighborhood. Yah, that is the reputation I am going for. ::) And all this time people were thinking the UPS delivery truck was here dropping off packages. LOL. I hate to burst anyone's bubble - I am living a pretty quiet life and not exactly partying it up. The UPS driver really is only here to drop off packages for S's truck. LOL
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#61: March 12, 2021, 07:23:03 AM
UrsaMajor - I may have been a bit reactive yesterday. It is possible that the insurance company automatically picked up my name when Xh used this address. My worry was probably for nothing in terms of some of those "what if scenarios". I think having had so many pieces of mail show up the past couple of weeks, especially the jury summons just had me waiting for the next surprise. Yes, the divorce decree would have solved that issue in one fell swoop. And, my phone call resolved the issue, but my feeling is along the lines of "come on - why is this so hard for Xh"?

Uhmmmmmm .... Because he's a Mid-Lifer FULL of FOO Poo?

That whole need for the MLCer to be independent and how that was his consistent complaint makes it that more aggravating. For someone who claimed that is what he needed and wanted - wanting to be free of me - he hasn't really done what needs to happen. Why should this surprise me?

It shouldn't... After all, isn't the whole point of a Mid-Life Crisis to be not responsible for anything?

This morning, I saw the document I wrote all my notes on from the insurance company and I will put it in the corresponding file. I laughed thinking maybe I should add a new file category of MLCer Messes I am still cleaning up.
And that file should probably look like:


And then to cap off the evening with a complete laugh, I received an alert from S's college. Seems Mr. MLCer didn't pay the entire balance and there was a $200 residual that needed to be paid. I just paid it and am shrugging it off. Whatever. Yup, it cost me money, but as far as I am concerned it is not worth any interaction with the MLCer and S is stressed out enough as he was studying for an upcoming exam. I texted him and let him know that there was a balance and I took care of it. It was a few moments later S texted back that Xh had gotten the same alert and went into a tirade, to which S told him not to get his knickers in a twist and said "M took care of it. She always does". Ouch - not sure how that went over.  ::)

Probably something like:


Nothing like an epic truth dart to end a good tirade...

Last night, I had gone to shower at my parent's house. I came out of the bathroom and my M made a funny face as she could see a mark on my chest. She paused and asked if it was a hickey. I looked down and started laughing. Um, no - just me being clumsy. I tripped the garage and hit a pipe that S had on the <...snip...>
 were thinking the UPS delivery truck was here dropping off packages. LOL. I hate to burst anyone's bubble - I am living a pretty quiet life and not exactly partying it up. The UPS driver really is only here to drop off packages for S's truck. LOL

Ooooooo... Think of the fun you could have with that...

Velociraptor mode <ACTIVATE!>

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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#62: March 14, 2021, 01:03:33 PM
I was in a really good mood this morning, but I am reaching a point of nearly tripping into the desire to just crawl into bed and pull the sheets up over my head. And, it is all over something that is probably a nothing thing, but my mind is going to places where I am terrified it is a worst case scenario and if it is I am just done - put a fork in me.

The kids got up and informed me the toilet is not working properly. Okay, it can happen and they addressed it, but something is terribly wrong with it. It is not draining properly and I have this sickening feeling about it being related to the leach lines or septic system and if it is that, I am going to just collapse. I don't even have it in me to think rationally about this at the moment to try and trouble shoot and rule out other scenarios, and it is in part because prior to last night, it was pretty much just me in the house the past couple of weeks, so it had not been exactly tested with all of the kids back as well. It may just need some modifications in the slope of the plumbing - as we did have the contractor move the plumbing. But, right now, I just can't deal with it. I got so aggravated I told the kids they just need to go to my parent's house because I can't cope right now. How much more of this am I supposed to take?

I know my house is not a money pit some type of shed that is falling apart. I know it is older, and most of the recent issues have been MLCer fixes or necessary maintenance. It is not like there are any real structural issues. And what is going through my head is Xh's words saying "you will never be able to do this on your own - you will fail". Right now, I am not sure he was wrong.

And, it is something I will work through and take a deep breath, go deal with the stupid issue and accept whatever has to happen - figuring it out somehow.

It is not helping that D was stressed out and all worried S would be in and out of the house making noise. I told her to be an adult and communicate her need to have some quiet as she was taking a quiz for school with S, not me. I asked her what was so hard about talking to her B instead of coming to me worried he would do this or that. She was not happy initially and I told her that if her request was not met with an adult response, I would mediate, but she needed to deal with S first. She stomped off and must have done just that. It was a bit later that S came in the house, with two of his friends from his "pod" in tow and they came in to grab drinks from the fridge. As they were talking, he stopped and shooed them out the door and said D had school work, so they all needed to go out and let her have time to study.

And, the funny thing was, this is what I had told my friend last night. She and I had plans last night to have a visit at my house on the back deck. It was mid afternoon and I told her I just couldn't do it at my house. I was needing a change of scenery and no kids around. She laughed and suggested a restaurant we both know is very quiet and has outdoor seating.

I so needed to be around someone else and she has been my friend since the sixth or seventh grade. We don't see each other as often as we would like, but it is always easy when we do get together. She and I don't have similar interests any more, but we have a bond that goes way back and we have had our ups and downs, but it is like having another sister.

She had seen me right after the biopsy had been done, and knew the results, but I hadn't really told her much of anything else since then. She knew nothing of the house disaster, as I really haven't shared with too many people.

We laughed a lot and the conversation was easy. At one point she mentioned her cousin had been in touch recently and asked if she ever heard from me. I was a bit surprised, as that cousin moved away years ago, and cut ties with everyone to start fresh. He was a really good guy, and I never was upset about him cutting everyone, including me out of his life at the time. I understood way back then what was going on and until a few years ago, I never let on what I had known way back when.

My closest two friends were in two year college programs while I was pursuing my four year degree. They had both taken jobs out of the area for a short time after their graduation and my friend's cousin had moved into her house. He was incredibly handsome and charming. He had met me several times and my friend recommended at one point that since he didn't have any friends in the area he should contact me. He did and we became good friends.

To the outside world, I am sure it looked like we were a couple. We were together a great deal. There were things my friend knew of, but last night I laughed and told her a whole other side of things. It started because she said way back then she had no idea he was gay. She asked if I knew. I told her it never was a conversation he and I had, because it didn't matter. There was not a romance between us and he just was a friend and one he seemed to know that I wasn't interested in asking him.

I think my friend was a little confused but this. He always had women swooning over him. He was a manager for a large hotel chain and kept weird hours. So last night, I laughed and told her that I wasn't dating anyone at the time and he and I spent the entire summer together. And to his credit, maybe his willingness to let me truly be me at the time opened up a whole other part of my world and allowed me to be okay with being a nerd. He was the one who really encouraged me to dress the way I felt good about myself and he had a fantastic fashion sense.

So last night, I told her that her cousin would call me and tell me he was getting out of work at midnight and did I want to go dancing? I would meeting him and he took me all sorts of places. It was not necessarily going to traditional clubs.

I joked he took me on what might be considered some of the most romantic dates a woman could want, which made her laugh now. There was the time he took me to watch fireworks for the Fourth of July in the city. We arrived at the park and he had a blanket, wine, and a whole picnic basket filled with food he had prepared. It was a perfect night and we just laughed watching the fireworks as we laid on the blanket.

Another time, he called very late and he couldn't sleep. My parents were traveling out of the country at the time and he asked what I was up to. I threw on some clothes and he picked me up. We drove down a country lane and threw a blanket on the ground and he had brought a couple of wine coolers with him. We just spent hours looking at the clear night sky and talking about life until the sun came up.

Never was there any attraction to one another. It was always just an easy friendship. I always felt safe with him. And, I think back now that he knew he was safe with me. I never told anyone my suspicions. It was not my secret to share and it didn't change how I viewed him. He was a good person who had a big heart.

I came home last night and the felt a bit melancholy. The night with my friend had been a nice change. My memories of her cousin made me long for those seemingly easier moments in life.

We had discussed my crazy home "renovations" and my frustrations and it was this morning when she texted me and said she and her H would be out this week. Her H, whose own F took off in a MLC years ago, said he wanted to help me out. He is going to see if he can help me with moving the heat run, as he has the same system in their house and at his business. He is very handy.

I am so grateful for good people and for friends I can always count on. I do know how fortunate I am. I am trying to hang on to that at the moment and keep tears at bay. But, this stupid situation that developed today has me spinning. I just keep wondering when do things get easier - just a little. And, when do I get to live my life without all of the continual hiccups. Am I just supposed to accept that I am in this by myself from here on out and I need to make peace with it? IDK - I could use at least a person who would call me up in the middle of the night and say "hey, I am thinking about you" or just sit with me under the stars for hours, just because.
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« Last Edit: March 14, 2021, 01:11:14 PM by MourningDove »

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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#63: March 15, 2021, 06:43:41 AM
The toilet thing sounds pretty crappy if you ask me...

And, when do you get to live your life without the hiccups? I think that might be a question we all ask at some point or another, isn't it?  I have no real answers but just to say " Yep, been there, done that, asked the same question... and haven't gotten an answer so far...."

At least S acknowledged D's request and kept his friends quiet. That should give her the idea that maybe she doesn't need to come to you for everything. She made her request and he accepted/acknowledged/honored it... Good for him and good experience for her....
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#64: March 15, 2021, 02:42:09 PM
UrsaMajor - I have been really working on that whole aspect of not being put in the middle of things on a wider scale. I am measuring when it is not a problem and when it is just adding an extra link in the chain of communication.

It didn't set well at first with the kids or with my M. They read it as me being annoyed. That was not it at all. Simple things like my M asking if S was working this weekend. I didn't know at that point. Had I, I would have responded accordingly. When my M said when I heard from him could I ask him and let her know. I flat out said no. Because my M texts S all the time - ask him. Go to the source and then it doesn't get mixed up.

I don't mind passing on messages, or getting involved if I need to some how mediate, but some times, I don't need to be pulled into the mix. That event with S, there was no need for D to get all twisted up. S is just as busy with classes as D and he understands the need for time to study. I think D had visions of when S was in middle school and after the school day was done, I had to practically sit on him to do homework.

As for the hiccups in life. I know they happen and I am working through my frustrations. I was not in a good place this morning. I slept way later than normal, in part because last night I just couldn't shut my brain off. I am still not sure it is a simple fix or if I am dealing with a major problem, but logic says it is the piping in the basement needing to drop slightly - the angle. And, if it isn't, I do have a person my BIL knows who will come and give me advice. He deals only with country homes and lake properties for plumbing issues. He is always booked way out, but my BIL and he are very close, so he said if I need him to come out, he will travel the hour to do so. So, I know I have at least an honest person to deal with.

It is not easy for me to feel helpless, and being a single woman sometimes makes me feel really vulnerable. It is especially hard when I am such an inner circle person. I don't like having people I don't know just come into my home. I am okay with the furnace repair techs coming in, only because I have dealt with that company for years and I know the office staff well. It is a sense of comfort knowing they know me by name. But, to call a new plumber for instance, and have just someone show up who I have picked randomly based on some rating system on the internet would freak me out.

I am not afraid to be alone in the house, but having strangers in my house really makes me uneasy. And, I am pretty fearless when it comes to a whole lot. I don't scare that easy. And, part of that is because I have a protective nature with those I hold close to my heart. My kids may be adults, but I am still very protective of them. It took me a long time to get past that discomfort when they first started driving on their own and worried about how they might get into an accident. But, to have just anyone here, that is tough.

I was really over-sensitive this morning. My sister initially called and I bit her head off when she told me to relax about the toilet. I told her that was nice coming from the woman who has 4 working bathrooms in her house. She called me back later and apologized for not thinking about how this must feel. I told her I was being a b!tc# and I too was sorry. The problem is, it is the straw that broke the camel's back. I am so conditioned right now to feel like every little set back is going to be a bigger problem. And, I have been really laughing and letting all of this roll off of my back up until now. I have had moments, I know, of melting down, but I bounce back and face it with a sense of humor. This was just too much. And, I am probably overreacting to it all. I am just worn out. I am tired of doing everything on my own. I went from feeling like I had done a pretty good job of managing on my own to this set back making me feel like I should just sell the house and be done.

I went to the hair salon and getting out of the house helped. I was way over due for a hair cut, as I had to cancel before my surgery was even scheduled. My hairdresser is a wonderful person and she mentioned right away a small detail about that whole interaction D had with Xh's client last week. She has known Xh's client for years, as his S and her S are best friends. She knows he is a very thoughtful man and there is not a malicious bone in his body, as do the kids and I. She said he was so excited to see D, that he asked D to take a selfie with him so he could show Xh who he was with. The hairdresser said D was gracious and did as he asked. The hairdresser knows the situation with Xh and she said D was so incredibly stoic through the whole thing and took the high road.

I am proud of D for not unearthing the drama.

As the hairdresser cut my hair, she asked how I was doing. Her own H travels a great deal and I mentioned I was just worn down. She has known me for years and we discussed how we both are people that try to figure out solutions. It is often misread as some feminist need to be some superwoman or independent, etc. And, that is the furthest thing from the truth, it is more along the lines of in part we are both a bit stubborn and if no one is around to help, we are not going to wait in the tower while there is no prince around to rescue us. It's more along the lines of "this needs done and how can I solve the problem"?. It would be a lot nicer if I had a person to be there for me. LOL.

I came home and realized that selling the house is not my issue right now. I could move into an apartment and other problems might arise, etc. It is in part that I feel like I am unable to do much of anything right now. The restrictions are hard for me. I want to move forward on so many things, but I have to stop myself from even painting the bedroom ceiling. I am not supposed to do too much stretching yet.

It is a good thing the weather is getting better. At least I can start walking and getting out of the house more. Maybe once I see the doctor on Thursday, I will be able to add a little more activity. (Within reason - I know).

S also asked me to help him scan something this morning before he left. When I asked him what he was doing with them, he explained it was an old logo that his college program had. The program he is in does competitions and goes to trade shows and the original logo design was lost. His professors were hoping to rebuild it. S is very capable of doing that, but I know he is busy. I laughed and said "M needs a project to keep her out of trouble" - LOL. So, I will work on that.

D came in when she heard us talking and gave me the cookbook SIL has been wanting. It is falling apart. D asked if I could scan that as well and she would just put the original book on the shelf for a keepsake and use the scanned recipes. I haven't told her I will do one better. I will make a copy of the book and bind it. Oh, SIL is not even getting a copy of that.  ::) Unfortunately for her, she pushed me too far and I am that stubborn when it comes to feeling taken advantage of.

I am hoping these little projects help to fuel some creativity that distract me from my other projects. It is way too tempting to start hanging wall board up in the bathroom and to complete that project. That would definitely get me into trouble. LOL
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#65: March 16, 2021, 03:24:14 AM
Quote from: Mourning Dove
She said he was so excited to see D, that he asked D to take a selfie with him so he could show Xh who he was with. The hairdresser said D was gracious and did as he asked. The hairdresser knows the situation with Xh and she said D was so incredibly stoic through the whole thing and took the high road.

I am proud of D for not unearthing the drama.

Oh boy... THAT will set xH off like Elon Musks SN10 landing...

Too bad xH can't get it through his thick skull that he is the one causing the rift between himself and D (or S for that matter) but I really hope that he doesn't start some $#!t with D because of it... I mean, that will be like rubbing his nose in the fact that D doesn't want to deal with xH and his shenanigans...

The piping slope sounds like an easy fix in comparison so I really hope that is the thing...
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Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#66: March 16, 2021, 01:27:36 PM
UrsaMajor - I have no clue how Xh reacted - nor does D. She happened to mention the whole photograph incident yesterday. She wasn't upset, but rather matter of fact about the whole thing. She said that XH's client had no idea and she did not want to make him feel uncomfortable in any way. He is a good man and an innocent bystander in this scenario. D said she refuses somehow allow Xh to make her out to be the bad guy in this scenario, but part of her hoped it made him squirm. I am not going to lie, part of me does too, although I didn't say that to D.

So, that happened last week, and D said that photo was an easy in for Xh. He could have texted something innocent, like nice photo, etc. But, he didn't reach out at all, and it has been weeks again since she has heard from him. As she said, his choice. His actions. His consequences.

D had her consultation with the orthodontist. Of course, I know it is what needs to happen, but it is feeling like a crushing pressure at this very moment. I will work my way through it and it is in part that I over did it yesterday. I tried to keep busy to work through the other stress of the toilet situation, which is working again, which tells me it is fine when it is just me in the house. That at least gives me some sort of baseline to start at and help to narrow down the issue. I am waiting for a call back from the contractor.

I behaved yesterday with adhering to the weight restrictions, etc, but I just pushed myself too far is my guess. This morning I woke up and my body was screaming at me. At first, I panicked and called the doctor's office. I have an appointment on Thursday. They assured me it happens and as long as I don't notice any bigger issues, that I should just lay low today.

And, I am really worn out physically today. I rescheduled my friend and her H coming over tonight. I know I need to get on this hot water heating pipe being moved, but I don't even have it in me to deal with it today. And, she understood when I called her.

So, I am doing what I am not good at - laying on the couch and being a lazy couch potato, binge watching movies. I don't even feel like reading a book. I know it's what I need to be doing right now, so I am going to just listen to my body. If it were warmer out today, like it is supposed to be by the weekend, I would park myself out on the back deck in the sunshine and read a book, or something. But, today it is cold and dreary, which is not helping my overall mood.

I know this is temporary and when I talked to my friend who had the same surgery in the spring, she reminded me she had a similar set back. She told me my exact words to her were to be okay with taking time for her body to heal. I hate when someone uses my own advice against me - LOL.  ;)
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#67: March 17, 2021, 01:41:03 AM
UrsaMajor - I have no clue how Xh reacted - nor does D. She happened to mention the whole photograph incident yesterday. She wasn't upset, but rather <...snip...>
So, that happened last week, and D said that photo was an easy in for Xh. He could have texted something innocent, like nice photo, etc. But, he didn't reach out at all, and it has been weeks again since she has heard from him. As she said, his choice. His actions. His consequences.

Yep.... You might not ever see his head explode but I'll bet you a dollar to a doughnut that it did (or will when he sees the pic)

I know this is temporary and when I talked to my friend who had the same surgery in the spring, she reminded me she had a similar set back. She told me my exact words to her were to be okay with taking time for her body to heal. I hate when someone uses my own advice against me - LOL.  ;)

HATE it when that happens....
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#68: March 17, 2021, 12:19:52 PM
UrsaMajor - I wouldn't want to be there if Xh's head explodes, I am not only sure it would be my fault, my guess is he would expect me to clean up the mess - LOL.

As for my own advice biting me in the backside, well, I should really learn to listen to myself. I am paying the price. I am marginally better today, but I am rather discouraged as I don't feel well at all. It is nothing like it was before the surgery, but clearly, my body is making me very aware that I had surgery only a short time ago.

I watched TV all day and did sort through some paperwork. I even had D bring me my bin of art markers, which I organized and tested. I threw out the ones that needed to be retired. That is normally the type of thing I do when I am on hold for an extended time for insurance, etc. I was going stir crazy by mid afternoon.

This morning, I just couldn't get out of bed. I was wiped out. Not loving that feeling. I am better this afternoon in terms of feeling somewhat better physically, but I am frustrated. I know realistically, I shouldn't be. I have been feeling so much better but both my doctor and my friend had told me to expect some days to feel like I did a backslide.

I am so used to "having" to push through things when I have been sick, etc because other people always needed me. When the kids were little and Xh would leave for work, I had to sometimes put their needs above mine. The only one right now that needs anything from me is the dog. Both kids have been really good about stepping up. I am not used to just worrying about me. Add to that, I am alone again and there is really no one to help me out during the day.

I was being so mindful and not lifting things that were too heavy. What I didn't consider was some lifting was okay if it was light enough, but I probably shouldn't have been on a mission to move everything around. That continual repetition of motion is what got me. So, I feel like another day is lost today to a certain degree.

I do know how to relax. I am very good at it. But, knowing how much I need to get done to move forward so that I can relax, which I am not doing amongst the chaos, is maddening. So, I am forcing myself to stop and find those things that I enjoy doing and will make me feel like I am not just spending countless hours letting the television help me pass time. I don't mind TV on in the background, but it is too easy to leave it on for hours. And, I was one of the worst offenders years ago. I got used to having it on all day long when FIL moved in. Now, I barely turn it on at all. I don't need it on. Now, the radio or music, that is different. I often have music on throughout the entire day.

I was asked by someone if I had wished I had not gotten a divorce. It had to do with not having anyone here for me. I think they were a little taken aback by my quick response. They knew Xh prior to MLC and they have not seen what he has become. No, I am now glad I went through with the divorce.

I had to explain to them that I never would have divorced. Those vows were so important to me. That commitment. If I were to remarry, I would go into those vows with the same level of my original commitment. I don't take that lightly. Divorce was not on my radar, ever. Xh gave me very little choice.

The truth is, I know it is sometimes really hard without a partner around, but had Xh stayed here with his current state, I would not be in a good place mentally. I don't see how I could have survived with someone who was determined to just grind me into a dust. He would not have cared for me. I know from when I had my tonsils out, right as MLC was rolling in. He was not too thrilled when he found out he would have to wait and drive me home.

That was not the man I was married to. The pre MLC man was the guy, who when I was sick, would tuck me in and bring me tea with honey, etc. He would check in on me and was genuinely concerned and caring. He would take on the responsibilities. And, I did the same for him in the same situation. Even delivering his work to clients if need be. We were a partnership.

The MLCer - well to him, I was an inconvenience at best.

Had the MLCer stayed, I know I would have been trying to do too much earlier because he wouldn't have done anything. He would have been more concerned about his life being disrupted and I would have been so busy trying to keep him happy. None of that dynamic is healthy.

And, while I don't like thinking people look at me like some type of failure because of that word "divorce", I have learned that it is usually people who don't know me well that judge. Did I fail? I don't see it that way any longer. It was ugly and unfortunate. I don't celebrate it. I frankly have to think about the dates associated with all of it. I know that surprises some. They somehow think that I must not have loved my Xh enough to remember those dates. I have worked hard to put them behind me. I know the pain, and can recall details. I have tried to replace them with new memories and happier feelings as they come into my life.

I know some people celebrate the date of their divorce. That is their choice. It was not like a day of freedom for me. It is not a moment I care to ever celebrate or even mourn any longer. I have grieved enough over the MLC.

I think about my aunt, who went back with her H. Neither of them did any mirror work - ever. She was afraid to divorce him because of the financial strain and she never asked him about the money, etc when he moved back in. Their life together continued to deteriorate and he is now dying. My F informed me that my aunt just recently realized that my uncle changed all of the documents, like life insurance, etc. The house is completely in his name and his cashed in all of his retirement years ago. The will, he leaves everything to his OW from years ago, including his life insurance. He is so bitter, he informed my aunt he is not changing it. My aunt has had to go to an attorney to see what she can do, but it looks like there is not a whole lot she can do. She stuck her head in the sand way too long. And, during my uncle's MLC, she is the one who kept the house from being taken from them. She worked several jobs to pay to keep the roof over their head. Now - well, she has a fight on her hands. Bad enough to have the rug pulled out from under you at middle age, but she is going in her late 70's.

My pre MLC H, I trusted him. He and I worked together. My MLC Xh, he is a monster and that situation my aunt is now in - that could have been me.

I would rather struggle on my own than to have gone down that path. Like it or not, divorce, as hard as it was, saved me from that same fate. And, it was not easy to move past that divorced title. Now, the kids and I joke about my divorced status. It is not funny to the kids either, but we find that the laugher helps. And, perhaps it is because they know that I am not living like some TV "divorcée" character.
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#69: March 18, 2021, 04:05:27 AM
UrsaMajor - I wouldn't want to be there if Xh's head explodes, I am not only sure it would be my fault, my guess is he would expect me to clean up the mess - LOL.

You mean like the "3 1/2"drywall screws through the heating lines" mess?  :o
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#70: March 18, 2021, 09:10:34 AM
UrsaMajor - I wouldn't want to be there if Xh's head explodes, I am not only sure it would be my fault, my guess is he would expect me to clean up the mess - LOL.

You mean like the "3 1/2"drywall screws through the heating lines" mess?  :o

See, now in Xh's mind, that was my fault as well. My household disaster would never have happened if I hadn't removed the 2 offending "3 1/2" drywall screws in the first place - they were plugging the holes. LOL.

I keep reminding myself of how much worse things could have been had I not ever discovered those screws. It is a miracle the pipe didn't burst on it's own, as the screws were all the way through and how they didn't weaken the pipe is beyond me. So, when I am grumbling about the state my house is currently in, I kick myself and think about had the pipe burst when I wasn't home, the whole house would have been destroyed.

I have my post-op appointment today. It is dreary, cold and rainy. I feel better than I did the past couple of days, but I would like to not have to go out at all. I took the dog out earlier, and even she gave me a look of "can we go back in now"?

Last night, I had her out on a lead for awhile. I don't like to put her outside and ignore her, but the weather was incredibly nice and she was wanting to be outside. I needed the break from her, TBH. She has not been getting her exercise and in spite of her health she has really good days and not so good days. This week, she has had a good stretch of having extra energy, while I have not. And, I can't play fetch with her at the moment.

She was very content to be out there looking over the orchard. I never leave her out terribly long and last night she alerted me to some activity. I went outside to see she was making sure I knew there were strangers walking down the road. She was doing her protective, hair raised on her back, barking. Very scary looking at first. And, I have seen her be protective, where I am certain if need be she would take on that roll if she had to. But, this, I know all too well. This was the "I am going to put on a good show, but if you come and play with me, I am sure we can be friends" stance.

There were 3 people walking. Two very small children and I am not sure if it was their M or an older sister. I realized it was the family that had moved in not too long ago around the corner. The same family that I watched on the hillside the one night that had me just mesmerized, as it was like out of a movie. I have seen them from afar since - the kids sledding down the hill across from my house. Running in the fields. It's been nice seeing them and hearing their laughter.

Clearly the dog did a good job of scaring them.  ::) I would have gladly walked over and introduced the dog to the kids, but she was so beyond excited by then. I had visions of the nearly 90 lb beast knocking over what had to be a 3 year old little boy. Not the introduction I want to lead with. I brought the dog in the house and I relayed the story to the kids via group text. They said they need to have a talk with her. LOL

Something about last night really made me quite happy seeing new kids in the neighborhood. I think in part, it is that they have been bringing me such joy being able to just watch them sliding down the hill. Their laughter has been a comfort and a slice of normal in this time of everything being anything but. I wish they knew how much they have made me smile. Maybe next time they come by, I shall introduce myself and the nutty dog.

I went to see my parents early this morning. My F was on his way out to get groceries. My M sends him most days to do that, as it is something he has come to enjoy doing. It is a reason for him to get out and he still can pick up his cup of coffee. He misses his friends terribly. The woman at the coffee counter told me not too long ago how much she loves seeing my F and what a nice man he is. He always asks about her H and her family. She said he makes time to treat her like a human being, where as some customers only see her as the person to complain to behind the counter. My M jokes that if something happens to her my F will have no problem finding a woman to step right in. No, he probably wouldn't, although even when he is aggravated with my M, he always talks about her with great love and admiration.

After I had showered, my M offered to make me breakfast. I rarely turn that down, only because I know she thrives on acts of service. I had already turned down dinner last night and she had mentioned to my sister that she missed having me at the house. She and my F liked having the dog and I there. I know I have to make some efforts to get back to going there more often. I needed the break, in all honesty.

My M informs me that she has been having bad dreams that have made her waking up and screaming at night. She changed the subject rather abruptly and I was waiting to follow through, as I let her tell me a lot of other, basically nonsense I didn't care one iota about.

I had told my sister that this isolation and my M being obsessed with the news has not been good. I had my proof when I got my M to circle back around to what had she been doing lately. Last week, she had handed me the one local paper which publishes all of the mug shots in the area. I didn't even look at it. I told her I wanted no part of it. I asked her when that was a paper they subscribed to and she said toxic aunt suggested it. I shook my head in disgust and told her it was not healthy to be watching and reading the negative news all the time.

So, sure enough. Last night, she had watched the news and there was a story that had come on that I hadn't heard about. It is horrific to say the least. M wanted to know why I didn't want to be informed. I do, but I find that after MLC I just don't have the stomach for the news as much. I told her I now look at the news quickly and look at the weather report. I am not uninformed, but I am not watching the news daily. I used to watch the morning news, midday news, dinner time news and the eleven o'clock news. I don't miss it. I suggested my M cut back on the news. She not only watches it on TV, she is reading it on her phone all day long. Add a dose of isolation and I think it explains her dreams.

I called my sister and have told her that I need her help. She is not that far away that she can't make the time. I know she is busy, but I am learning I cannot take this all on myself. Yes, my parents are still very active and capable of getting around. They are very youthful, but the reality is, there are things that this pandemic has brought on. Maybe they would have always appeared - the fear, etc, but I am noticing my M is not driving nearly as often as she used to. She stays home way more. It's subtle but it is happening. The question is why? My guess has been her eyesight in the other eye is getting worse. Only my sister can push that issue, because my sister as an optician will know how to approach my M about that subject.

My sister and I talked for a long time about how I too need a life of my own. My sister is willing to help, I just have to realize that she is in the dark sometimes. I have to ask. It struck me when she informed me last week and again this week her schedule. Her life, it is busy, but she fills a lot of her time with going to the salon and having lunch with friends. This past weekend she met up with a friend to go shopping. She sees this friend all the time. I am not angry with her nor jealous. I just realize I have to speak up.

What dawned on me is, I haven't felt like since MLC that I deserve those things. It was drilled into my head by the monster MLCer and I haven't really thought about how deeply ingrained that had become. It is okay if I take time for myself or have a life outside of my role as M, etc. I do deserve that type of happiness and it is not out of a selfish need. It is hard to sometimes really push away from the damage the gaslighting caused. I am getting there.
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#71: March 18, 2021, 03:19:11 PM
My doctor came in the exam room and had a smile on his face when he asked me how I was feeling. I laughed and said how come I thought he already knew the answer to that question.

He had seen me come through the door and I had put on a pair of stilettos today, trying to fight off that dreary weather mood that could have set in. He said I had a very different bounce in my step today. And even though we both had our mandated masks on, he said there was a twinkle in my eye that had not been there the last times he saw me. And, he is right. I do feel so much better, even with the set back.

He reviewed the dos and don'ts for the next few weeks. The standard no lifting heavy items, etc for several weeks. Continue to rest, and so on. Then he added and no hanky-panky for another month. I told him I didn't think that would be an issue right now, as that isn't exactly going on anyways.

He pulled up my chart and said he wanted to just go down the list and talk to me about the results. First of all, the mandated biopsies showed no signs of cancer or precancerous cells, which was a huge relief, I will admit. And then he went down a long list of things, which basically were notes of more fibroids that didn't show up on the ultrasound at all. He told me that it is not uncommon nor something I should somehow feel bad about, as if I am some sort of broken woman. I laughed at him, but he is right, that is how I have felt. He said that he had a woman come in last week with one the size of a watermelon, yet she wasn't in pain at all. That said, my situation and the results of the analysis after removal all clearly indicated that I had reason to be in excruciating pain.

He said now that the "toxic organ" is removed, he is confident I should be feeling so much better by the time I am completely healed.

I wanted to cry, TBH. I had spent so much time thinking it was all in my head and there it was. As he went down the list and said where each one was positioned, etc - I was not imagining anything. They were pushing on other organs and on my spinal column and causing the pain in my hips. I have some residual pain in my hips, which he said should go away as I walk more.

I was walking out to my car when a lady stopped me and said she just loved my shoes, but how did I walk in them. I thanked her and said they were actually very comfortable. It made me think back to the sour puss at the high school that used to get so annoyed with me and my shoes. This lady today wasn't deserving of the snarky version of me who would snap back "years of ballet".  ::)

I know there are going to be some frustrating days ahead. I will work through them. I really needed to hear that bit of news today that it wasn't just some figment of my imagination. I think part of me kept hearing Xh in my head who would tell me that when I knew in my heart it was true he was having an affair. That dismissal of my concerns and knowing my gut was right. My intuition is much more in tune nowadays, but I still have moments where I question my instincts.

I came home and found the biggest puddle in my driveway. I was going to avoid it and then decided to just jump in the dang thing. Can take the girl out of the country, but not the country out of the girl.  ::)
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#72: March 18, 2021, 03:27:27 PM
Some days we need to just let go and jump in that puddle - thank you for that reminder, which is always valuable but maybe even more so on a day when it seems too easy to get caught up in details and reading metaphorical tea leaves.
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#73: March 19, 2021, 04:46:29 PM
Curiosity - I think too many people forget to jump in puddles.

I lost sight of so much over the years. Jumping in puddles as a kid was great fun and my parents allowed for it to happen, with those exceptions. I never would have jumped into a puddle, for instance in my Easter Sunday outfit on our way out of church. But, I was raised in a household where getting muddy was not some forbidden thing. My M's rule always was we could get dirty or we could make a mess, but we had to clean it up.

My sister and I were talking about the one Mother's Day my sister and I went out into the woods across from my parent's house with my cousins. The oldest boy was nearly a year older than I and the other a year older than my sister. We would go out and build tree houses or trek through the creek bed. And, neither my sister nor I were particularly what some would peg as "tomboys", but we kept up with our cousins.

That day was so much fun. We arrived back at the house covered in mud. It was cold out, that I recall very clearly, because the deal was, my M took one look at us and had us line up outside while she hosed us off with the garden hose before handing us each a towel to dry off before we were even allowed in the house.

When it was time for my sister or I to go to an event or be presentable, we also learned what proper protocol was and we were not always covered in dirt. Nowadays, I am not sure most people would ever believe that my sister or I would have been the type to run amok in the fields. I know no one in the gallery would believe it. I clean up well - LOL

When my kids came along, Xh embraced this attitude and we would put down tarps on the back deck and let the kids paint or carve pumpkins. The mess was contained, but we didn't get too worried about if they had paint on their hands or on an old set of clothes.

Splashing in puddles - that was a favorite thing to do with the kids. Often it was a way to show them that just because it is raining it doesn't mean we couldn't enjoy it.

I can even remember during one summer storm, we didn't go out because there was lightning, but we opened the front door and sat on the front entry way step inside of the house and watched the rain pour down and counted until the next clap of thunder and try and guess where the lighting would flash in the distance.

I always wanted them to respect the forces of nature, but I didn't want them to necessarily fear it and I wanted them to sometimes embrace it.

Unfortunately, I can look back now and see when that sense of fun left the kids and I for some time. It was when FIL moved in. That was stupid and nonsense. Problem is, it seeped into our lives - all of our lives. XH, he quit behaving that way and being silly was not allowed, so much so that even when we were all alone it no longer happened. I found myself no longer dancing in the rain.

And, it is funny. One of D's favorite memories she always brings up when the first snow falls is when I taught her to stick her tongue out and try and catch a snowflake.

It took me time to be okay with sometimes being silly. Yup, I might look pretty foolish to some when I glide across the parking lot riding on the shopping cart when S pushes me. Or jumping in puddles. I don't care.

Now, don't get me wrong. If I had been wearing the shoes I had on today, I would have taken them off first before splashing around. No way would my black suede stilettos go for a swim. It is the whole reason why I carry extra shoes in my car normally.

Today, I went back to work at the gallery. So many of the students taking the class came to see me. Two of my coworkers stopped in to see me, which had Miss Management's knickers in a twist. She was nice to me, but when the boss came in and said she was so glad to see me back and how much she had missed me, I could see the green-eyed monster starting to appear. I smoothed it over with the monster and asked her about the day she had ahead of her.

Towards the end of the day I had a text come through from my friend "M". I haven't seen her in months. She was in the same town where I was working and wanted to know if she could come and see me. We haven't even touched base in months.

My friendship with her is so easy. She is one of those people in that innermost circle and it was an immediate connection we felt from day 1. She and I caught up for a bit and she is working from home right now. She asked if she could come out to visit and we figured she can come work from my library for a day and we can catch up in between. She also is coming to help me with a project.

She asked about a piece of sculpture my F made that she loves. My F had offered to sell it to her and she couldn't afford to buy it at the time, having just bought a house of her own. I told her I would make a call and see if he still was willing to sell it. I laughed and told her, after calling him and getting a price, that clearly he knew this piece is going to the rightful owner. He is letting it go for the cost of the materials practically because he knows why she is so connected to this piece. It has to do with her own connection to her F. And, that little snippet of information is what my F remembers. I told her the reason he does the work he does - the things that often inspire him are those types of connections. Those are the types of sales that bring my F joy.

I was home maybe 15 minutes when my childhood friend and her H came to see me. Her H is going to help S move the heat pipe for me. He said it is not a difficult thing to do and we just have to buy the supplies. He and S will work together to get it done. This weekend is out because S has to work all weekend and her H was available, but he had a last minute booking for his business for the weekend for an event.

I am very lucky and sometimes it just takes a puddle to jump in to change my attitude.  :)
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#74: March 19, 2021, 05:50:12 PM
I need another puddle to jump in. I am mildly uncomfortable at the moment and not from my surgery, etc.

I opened my Facebook page to reply to D in messenger. In the corner it had the list of recent posts to Facebook, etc. In that list was a lot of activity - on my account for "likes" of old posts. I rarely post, nor do I share a whole heck of a lot. My privacy settings are locked down pretty well. There, in the corner pull down and "likes" from a man I don't know, nor is he a friend of a friend. And, it might not have made me pause, except these likes go way back into old posts and albums. You would have to really be paying a great deal of attention to my photo albums and so on. This was not just one or two likes. This was easily 10 that now go back to posts from years ago. This is weird.

I went back and reviewed all of my settings for my account. I have them all really secure at least by the options available. Logically, I can process and I went in and said to myself I will just block this person. Interesting thing. They have a profile picture, and an account that they just opened this month and yet, when I put in the name to block - lots of people by that name, except not any of them this person.

Okay. I am not liking this one bit. My question is one that I sent to Facebook which is if they have hacked my account that I only allow my closest friends to see and I lock down a lot of that as well, how is this person getting past that and what other information do they now have?

I may put it all out for the world to see here - pour out my heart and soul, but in RL - I am not one to just open up my very private world. I don't like how it makes me feel so violated.

When I was in college, I had my purse stolen one night we were out dancing. I didn't have a lot of money with me at all. My friends were upset my purse was stolen and the money was gone. I was mostly freaked out about the fact that my keys and driver's license were gone. It made me feel incredibly uncomfortable and exposed. I am feeling that way at the moment and it is really pissing me off.

Maybe I am overreacting, but it is really making me so unnerved and not at all safe. Man, I hope this is some weird anomaly. I don't need this type of fun added to my life. I will stick to puddle jumping.
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« Last Edit: March 19, 2021, 05:54:15 PM by MourningDove »

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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#75: March 20, 2021, 12:07:58 PM
I did not sleep very well last night. I sometimes think these little blips with weird stuff like random people on Facebook are a trigger. It could be innocent, or not - but this morning, it is clear to me that another aspect of this little scenario last night brought back some feelings that I am not thrilled about.

OW was a master at doing things to "dabble" in my life. She would mention things to Xh that were about my work schedule - meetings I had with so-and-so. It would turn out that she befriended someone intentionally to get close to me, whose M worked with me. I had nothing to hide, and the information was really not that earth shattering, but it was a bit odd come home and hear Xh say things he clearly didn't hear from me. And it wasn't that I was keeping secrets from him. These were often the types of daily work details that were not terribly interesting outside of work. It took me awhile to realize that OW was the one getting the information from somewhere. The "friend" she made, she too realized a few years ago that she was just a pawn in the OW game.

Then there were the FaceBook incidents with OW. She would dig into my life.

OW did all she could do to shake me up. And, it worked. I went into hibernation in terms of social media and shut myself off from so many things because of her desire to upend my life. And, Xh was either too stupid or went along with it. IDK and it doesn't matter.

Now, I have seen OW since then. I have made it clear through Xh that if she comes near me again and even considers screwing around with me in any way, I will unleash all the nasty information I have on her and it won't be pretty.

I am not afraid of OW and am not the same woman I was then. She would have a very different encounter this time around.

And, I am not suggesting this is OW's doing. It is more the feeling I immediately had.

I went through and made sure all of my settings are secure. I changed passwords, etc. I am not going to go into hibernation and am in fact a little upset with myself for feeling so violated. But, it is the reality of how I felt.

I think what really upsets me now is the fact that I can't quite shake the MLC dust off completely. I just so want to move past that part of my life, and I am trying to accept that there may always be things that tie back to that time period that may always bubble up a little.
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#76: March 20, 2021, 02:13:28 PM
The reaction to the FB incident is understandable- definitely carries the creepy factor.

Hope you got outside today and caught some sunshine. It was warm enough to attend to the yard- wow!
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#77: March 21, 2021, 09:25:03 AM
forthetrees - It was creepy. That is a good way to put it.

I was outside part of the day yesterday and have been in and out all morning this morning. It is supposed to be in the mid 60's today and sunny. It is not a day to be inside, although, I have things that I am working on in the house.

The kids were laughing as I am on a mission today to clean out some stragglers - that is those pieces of furniture that Xh left behind that I never was fond of and while I sort of need an extra chair in the living room, I wanted this one gone. The kids, while they liked the chair, they seem to be embracing this decision. I realized it is in part that this particular chair was one Xh brought home to replace the one he absconded with when he moved out.

I still have some of the furnishings that were purchased before MLC with Xh. They don't have the same weird association. I didn't realize that the kids felt the same way about this offending chair. There is also an ottoman that arrived at the same time. The kids laughed this morning and said "oh good, out with the crazy era furniture".

Part of the push for me to clean out these things was the good weather and the fact that 2 of S's friends showed up. I had able bodied people to move the items outside so I didn't attempt it.

And they are decent pieces of furniture. Someone will be happy to have them, I am sure. Just not my aesthetic, nor something I want any longer haunting the house.

D is baking today and working on homework at the bar in the kitchen. She decided that was the best place to catch the sun and enjoy the day while trying to get through her mountains of studying.

S had put in a very long day yesterday at the millwork. He came home and his GF and I were laughing, as he went outside and worked until way after the sun set. He wasn't in the garage though. He was doing yard work with the tractor. He said to me last night that it relaxes him. He made a great deal of progress on leveling out the areas in the yard that had been dug out from the snow plow and the like.

The morning was progressing along and I realized that S had said at one point he was going to go to Xh's this weekend. SIL and her partner were pushing for him to come and help them purchase a tractor. This had been mentioned months ago, after Xh suggesting at one point S could maybe just bring "his" tractor to do the work for them and they would pay him. S had told them all that it was in fact my tractor, not his and I am not in the business of loaning or renting my tractor out. (I do, but only to people like my neighbor - but that is a whole other scenario). When I asked S what time he was going to his F's, as I was trying to plan out dinner, S announced he wasn't going because he wasn't feeling like it. He went on to say that he is really not terribly enthusiastic about going at all since he never hears from any of them unless they need something.

It is so very odd to me how different things are with Xh and S. Before MLC, no one would have ever been able convince me this is how things would be. Divorce - that I might not have considered was a scenario, but it would have been an easier line for me to draw than how things are now with the kids. That is the part that makes me realize this is not just some unhappy thing that was about the marriage. This goes way deeper. Xh and S in particular spent every weekend together working on things in the garage. They went on trips together. And, Xh was close to D as well. He made efforts to spend time with her, quality time. She was the apple of his eye. But, S, they just had common interests.

Looking back at when things started to unravel, I recall Xh trying to get D to learn how to work on motorcycles. She gave him a look of "no thanks" and he was very upset. He came in and said to me he was trying to connect with her more. I remember telling him that was him trying to make her like what he liked and perhaps he could look at some of the things she was interested in and they could find a common hobby to share. He was at least trying on one hand, but on the other he was really very angry that she would not join him in the garage and become something she wasn't. It was shortly after that his and D's relationship started to deteriorate.

And, the reality is, OW was into cars and motorcycles. Xh, I suspect was trying to get D interested so she would accept OW. It wasn't long after that when Xh moved out and D discovered the images on the phone he gave D of OW that he never erased.

These things are no longer upsetting like they once were. I think it is just that sometimes these pieces start to fall into place as you look back and realize how crazy it all was and continues to be on some levels. 

None of us are stuck right now in the sadness of it all. D went out for a walk with her BF to take a break. They were having a good time telling me about something that had happened earlier. S and his friends are outside, and I can hear the laughter. The dog is outside with them and just sitting near them, happy to be outside.

If the furniture doesn't get picked up by someone today, I will have S and his friends put them in the garage and call the donation center later this week.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#78: March 21, 2021, 09:16:34 PM
MD this happens to me on FB sometimes too.  What I have seen is that most of the time these are new accounts and usually they are "in the military" and "a widower".  The first one is supposed to command respect and the 2nd make them look like a great guy who lost his spouse.  These profiles are always scammers pretending to be someone they are not.  They have stolen the photos of some legitimate person and are using them to try and garner their way onto friends lists.  It happens on Instagram too.  They are usually easy to spot by their lack of posts, their recent history which when you click on them to block them you can easily see their lack of friends commenting and liking their posts, and the same generic 3 photos or so.  I had been blocking them right away, but now I take the time to delete their comments if they made one, since they would only appear blocked by me, and my friends and others could still see their comments.  But in order to do that I have to open their FB page in a new tab if they only left one comment, so that I can block them and still delete their comment.  If they have left a plethora of likes, I can't delete those, but I can use those to click on them.  A huge possibility as to why you could not find this person is that between them liking your stuff and you getting on FB, someone else reported them and their account was already taken down.  This is most likely the case.

Also, the reason why they were liking old posts, and perhaps I'm wrong, is because that was the only thing they could find open to view.  I know this has happened to me, where it looks like they are liking something from months back, but when I go on my FB and click the option to "view as a public person" it shows me that the only posts they can see are ones that I had made public.  I use this option once in a while to see what the public is seeing, but I am not nearly as private as you but still like to keep some things private.

If you have never used this option, it's very easy.  Click on your profile.  Next to the Edit Profile button is a little eye.  When you scroll over it, it says "view as".  Click on that and you will be viewing as someone from the public.  You will be able to see what someone who is not friends with you (public) can see.  There used to be a friends of friends filter (mutual friends) but I don't see that as an option anymore.  It looks like mutual friends can only see public as well.  Only your friends can see the posts that aren't public, photos etc.  Only mutual friends can see posts that their friend is tagged in, so say you were with them or they were with you and they tagged you or you tagged them.  Those are the only posts that mutual friends can see.

I hope this helps!

If he liked posts that were locked down then I would definitely wonder about that.  But if you made them private after he went on his liking spree then what I said above was most likely the case.

I just clicked on a random friend of friends profile and sure enough, all I can see is one cover photo that they recently posted and then a post from like way back in 2014 as the next post down, which means anything in between is friends only.
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#79: March 22, 2021, 04:03:25 PM
Thank you, FaithWalker.  :)

I had gone dark on social media when OW started messing with my life. I then went through all of my accounts and put in all of the privacy settings. I had used the preview to see what the public can see option way back then. And I periodically check it when I change passwords and so on. So, this was very odd. There are only 2 posts that the public should be able to see. And, I would not have even noticed the likes, as there were no comments, had the notification in the corner not alert me to the "recent activity" I may have missed. It was 8-10 "likes" of my posts in a row. Not the usual "so and so posted" etc. It was a solid field of this person liking things and he is neither a friend, nor a friend of a friend. So, IDK. Weird.

I am no longer freaked out. I did what I can on my end. I have updated passwords and alerted FaceBook. I took a screen shot of the notifications and just saved it to a file on my computer. Beyond that, I am just moving past it. It just brings up feelings of being violated for me. And it all goes back to my purse being stolen and the problems with OW.

Today, the sun has been out and it is a perfect day. I am not convinced Mother Nature doesn't have a surprise in store, but the fields were brown yesterday and today there were little sprouts popping through the soil.

I decided to drain the pond. I didn't put the netting on the pond on time and it is just filled with leaves. This year I plan on getting fish in there and while it is supposed to rain this week, it won't refill the deep pond enough to say so. I can let the bulk of the leaves dry out and they will be much lighter to scoop out. I won't be doing that anytime soon. That is not a job for someone recovering from surgery. But the water doesn't smell bad currently. I know what happens when the warm sun starts to warm up that mix of dead leaves and water. And, the pump doesn't weigh much, so I was able to do that.

S had mentioned I could remove the divider wall between the tub/shower and the built-in linen closet that was still standing. He clearly thought better of that suggestion before leaving for college this morning. I could have removed it piece by piece carefully, but he knows me too well. I would have gotten engrossed in that idea and that would have been bad. Before I knew what was happening, he was in the bathroom pushing the wall down all in one fell swoop. So that is gone. We discussed the next steps and that will be getting the ceiling and electric fixtures back in the room. I can put up the one sheet of insulating foam that needs replaced. That won't be difficult nor heavy.

I made several calls this morning. One being to the contractor. He is booked solid and I knew that was an issue. He had done me a huge favor coming over before my surgery as it was. He suspects it is the slope, something he was concerned with the day they installed it, but it is an easy fix. He will address it when he comes to install the tub. That is fine. I can limp along until then and just go to my parent's house in the meantime. It is inconvenient, but I knew going into this, he was literally fitting my "renovation" in between jobs. He is in the midst of a huge house build. And, I know from working at the millwork that any good contractor I would trust are going to be booked out until the end of summer at least. There are some things that can be done before he gets to the room. S said he and his friends can get the drywall up in the other parts of the bathroom that are not part of the tub/bath installation. It is killing me that I am unable to help. It could be done that much sooner, but I will behave. I know I am supposed to listen to the doctor.

I was out for a while this afternoon. I had stopped to pick up something for dinner and saw my aunt, my F's eldest B's XW. I adore this aunt. I have not seen her since her second H's funeral just before the shutdown. We didn't hug, but so wanted too. She had just gotten her second vaccine a few weeks ago and is still being cautious. I completely understand and I am anxious to get vaccinated on Wednesday. I know it is only round one, but I am sick of this pandemic life, but then I don't know of anyone who has said "this has been great". LOL.

The house is quiet and I am grateful for the break.

S's former roommate will be moving to the area in a few weeks. I haven't seen S so excited in a long time. I too am happy. This kid is like a brother to both D and S. He is an only child and his family situation is not great. His M died a few years ago and his F remarried. The situation with the new W is not a good one for a variety of reasons, one being his F now drinks all the time because he is unhappy. When a job opened up nearby in his field, I mentioned the opportunity and S called his friend. The kid went in for an impromptu interview and they came back with an offer that he couldn't pass up. He called to thank me and he then paused. He is not comfortable calling me by my first name, and I don't like kids that are close to S calling me "Ms. MD" - that is reserved for those who don't know me well. He wanted to know that I have treated him like a S, so could he call me mom. When I said yes, he paused and rethought that request. He said he couldn't call me "mom" because his M had that title, but could he call me "madre".

S joked with his friend that I have been missing the kid next door who used to be my "third" kid. I have. He moved out and I rarely see him any more. S did say that he knows this doesn't mean I am letting anyone move in, and he assured me that this kid will be moving into an apartment for now with S's other friends until he finds a place of his own.

Xh, I know he has only met this kid a couple of times. I highly doubt S has mentioned this kid moving here. And that is sad for a variety of reasons.

Oh well. Choices. Consequences. I am going to just enjoy the sunset and sit out on the back deck with a lovely glass of wine. I cannot put a fire in the fire pit yet. I will have to wait for D's BF or S to help me out with that another night.
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#80: March 23, 2021, 01:43:55 PM
Mondays are often good days for me. The kids go back to school and it allows me some time to be an adult. I may get the stray call from the kids or questions, but for the most part, it is when I can just do what I feel like.

Yesterday, I started down my list of phone calls that "responsible me" has to deal with. I left a message for the assessor, who I spoke to today. I believe the assessment will stand where it was last year due to my arguments about they had already raised it last year when I put on the new roof and didn't fuss. I pointed out I have done nothing to the outside since then and considering the mess inside with the bathroom, until that is finished, there is no way I would be able to hit that mark they claim the house is valued at. Not right now. I don't care how good the housing market is at the moment. They agreed and no doubt come back again next year with crazy valuations, but I will deal with it next year.

I spent a good part of the day breaking apart the divider wall S had ripped out. I was mindful and removed the nails, etc. The dog kept getting herself wrapped around it and I couldn't move the frame, so I pulled every nail and had D's BF move the larger pieces when he showed up onto S's trailer.

I had a nice evening last night. I poured a glass of wine and spent some time on the back deck. Then I came in and put on music and proceeded to dance around my living room. I was not even mildly tipsy, just decided I felt like dancing. I am pretty sure the dog decided I had lost my mind and she put herself to bed early.

I took her for what was going to be a relatively long walk, but the heat of the day proved to be too much for her. We stopped at my parent's house on the way back and she flopped down on their kitchen floor for a few minutes before we wandered back. She promptly came in and crawled on her bed in the library. She has been asleep since midday. I may regret this in the middle of the night. Hopefully, she sleeps all night and isn't up howling with the coyotes.

My parents informed me that my F's commission that was delivered in the fall will finally be unveiled. He was invited to the ceremony, but he is not sure he wants to make the trip. My M said he is not up for the drive and she is not comfortable driving that far. I laughed and told my M that I could drive them there. It falls on a weekend and I would have to take time off from the gallery, but I could easily switch that Friday as it is a few weeks out and by then I will not only be fully healed, but will have had my second COVID vaccination well before then. I don't know if they will bite on it, but it is an easy drive and I can find plenty of places to explore without encountering loads of people.

I didn't get to talk to my F about the trip. He was fast asleep as well. He had gone horseback riding. He hasn't been in ages. COVID put a stop to that for so long. He had a fantastic time it would seem and I am so glad it is something he can still do. He no longer jumps horses, but he does trail ride. It makes my M terribly nervous, but I reminded her that she has been worried about him sitting around watching so much TV and seeming down. I told her that while I don't want anything to happen to him, of course, I would rather he take the risk and enjoy those things he can still do instead of withering away like my FIL did every day, just sitting waiting for the next TV program to entertain him.

It was a little while ago that my M called and said the fresh air and change of scenery did my F a world of good. He was outside working in his studio and considering starting a new piece of sculpture. He doesn't have any commissions or gallery shows to worry about, this would be a piece he has wanted to do for himself.

Tonight, D will go back to her BF's as her bedroom was primed today and S currently has the headliner for his truck stored in his room. She is preparing dinner and then I will have the house to myself again. I may fit in another walk by myself later and then find something to keep me out of trouble. Not an easy task - LOL
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#81: March 24, 2021, 03:27:40 AM
Sounds like you will soon have another Velociraptor to deal with occasionally though so you might as well enjoy the quiet while it lasts, right? <grin>

And it sounds like you are (more or less) behaving as the doctor ordered so that is also good...
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#82: March 24, 2021, 01:23:58 PM
UrsaMajor - This particular friend has not been fully trained in Velociraptor yet - LOL.

I realized today that that young man has been a blessing to not only the kids, but I didn't realize how much for me as well.

During MLC, Xh had me believing I had failed as a M and a W. In that mixed up scenario, after months of gaslighting, there were times where I would really begin to question myself. And, for Xh's part, I suspect now, a great deal of that was anger really about his own parents. But, after awhile being told you are this or that, sometimes you start to believe it.

And, I will readily admit, that when my marriage was blown up right after BD #1, I had a hard time balancing it all. BD#2 - that just threw me completely into a tailspin and then I can see where my focus was on the marriage and Xh way more than it should have been. Was I a good M then? I didn't neglect my kids, that is certain, but I wasn't present as much as I could have been. After Xh left, then I sometimes found myself overcompensating and trying to figure out some sense of balance. It was like being in a canoe and someone getting up and jumping out. That boat was rocking, threatening to tip over completely. So, I guess, I can cut myself a little slack, but it has taken me some time to really forgive myself for that time period. It is incredibly hard to try and get yourself back on track and still try to stabilize everyone else in the house as well. It took me a long time to realize that I wasn't going to be able to be the M I wanted to be - it was not humanly possible during that time. Just keeping a roof over our heads and making sure the kids lives were somewhat normal was about all I had in me.

But, it is through this kid that I have been able to look at how life has settled into perhaps a little bit of normal and helps me not take for granted those moments that maybe have meant more than big events. I was a good mom before all of this MLC nonsense. Thinking about the first day this kid told me about his M, sort of made me realize that. And it was all because of one little interaction.

This young man had been S's roommate for over a year by this time. I had met him before and he had been here to visit. He is a gentle soul and just a good kid. I knew a bit about his home situation, and I knew S and he have talked a great deal about things S would never share with his other friends. I never knew the details, and I don't pry about them, but I know from S that they do have that type of bond.

He had come to visit for a weekend, and S was busy taking a shower. It was fairly early in the morning, but I was already preparing things for an early dinner. Something that required slow cooking in the Dutch oven. And, when I do a meal like that, because the oven is warm, I will bake a pie or something along those lines. I was busy peeling apples, that I remember clearly and this kid asked if he could help. I gladly let him do that, as my kids used to do the same thing. Of course, when they were little, they would help by stirring and often would swipe the apple slices to eat as I cut them up. And, if they had cinnamon sugar on them, they would giggle like they had gotten away with something really scandalous.

It was while we were working on the pie filling that he said he liked cooking and it was something he did with his M. We talked at length about his M. It was an easy conversation and I could tell he just wanted to talk about his happy memories. It was nice to hear a kid who didn't have a mixed up parents. His F, it seems was devastated by the M dying and that is why he is a mess now.

I thought about it today. Those little interactions with S's former roommate have made me think back to when life wasn't derailed by MLC. Sundays, in particular, I would cook a large meal and the kids liked helping. And, I would put up with the extra mess they made.

When Xh and I decided one of us should stay home with the kids, it was easier for me to go to part time than it was for him. When I did that, I made sure I volunteered at school and took the kids to baseball practices. Xh participated in many of those things.

I don't regret or resent any of that time.

Untangling the truth from the MLC lies has not always been easy. It is not like I think I deserve some Mother of the Year award, because I made mistakes along the way. But, this kid, I think he and I just know maybe we both need each other. He needs a M figure so he can continue to hold onto the memories of his M and have someone to share them with who will get it. I think he has reminded me that while my life has changed and I am not always thrilled about the new situation I am in, my core is still intact.

I think part of what became confusing for me is when life unraveled, I wasn't sure who I was any more. I was so used to my position as M, W, teacher, etc - that when things turned upside down, I had no clue who I was and then when it started to fall back together, it wasn't exactly how it had been either. It is not easy to look into a mirror at this point in life and try to figure out that the titles didn't matter. Aside from W, I am still the same person in so many ways, maybe just a slighting modified version, or where some of the dust has been swept off of who I truly am. IDK
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#83: March 25, 2021, 08:39:46 AM
Quote from: MourningDove
I think part of what became confusing for me is when life unraveled, I wasn't sure who I was any more. I was so used to my position as M, W, teacher, etc - that when things turned upside down, I had no clue who I was and then when it started to fall back together, it wasn't exactly how it had been either. It is not easy to look into a mirror at this point in life and try to figure out that the titles didn't matter. Aside from W, I am still the same person in so many ways, maybe just a slighting modified version, or where some of the dust has been swept off of who I truly am. IDK

This says SO many things in a few sentences that are exactly correct and what it takes many LBS's time to figure out... WHO am I really? What parts of me have I supressed or minimized or sacrificed in the marriage? What of those parts are really essential and what can be left by the wayside?
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#84: March 25, 2021, 09:41:54 AM
I had my first round of the Covid vaccination yesterday.

The appointment itself went well and it was relatively quick and painless. Most people I know who have had the first injection have said they had little or no side effects afterwards. I was not anticipating any real problems, but figured due to my body still healing it might affect me a little more than it might otherwise. I was exhausted by 7 pm and crawled into bed. I didn't fall asleep right away, and read for some time. By 2 am I had weird dreams and found myself wide awake for a couple of hours. I fell back asleep until about 6 am and was in a bit of a fog when I got up. But, beyond my shoulder being a little tight and sore, I am not having any other problems, aside from being tired, but that is more from the interrupted sleep last night than anything else is my guess.

D had PT early this morning. We are coming up on the 5th year anniversary of her surgery to repair the ankle. An event that was probably more traumatic for her than the actual injury and not because of the surgery. Xh came to the hospital with me, although it was very clear to D and I both, without saying a word to one another, that he wanted to be anywhere but at the hospital waiting for D. By then he was working on his cottage and his escape plan to go live his MLC "happy life". It is just one of those events that is hard to forget.

PT is good for her physically, as well as mentally. I don't know how long this PT will continue. I don't even care if I have to pay for any of it out of pocket completely. It has been cheaper than an IC and it seems to really be a good outlet for her. The crew there is fantastic. The owner, and head of the program has become like a surrogate F in some ways. He knows her temperament and pushes her when she needs pushing. He and I have both quietly talked about whether some of D's ankle issues are mental and not always physical. He is of the belief in mental and physical responses can affect the body and because of her field of study, he and his staff have embraced D like one of their own.

That in mind, there is no doubt there are physical aspects that come into play. The neurologist several years ago diagnosed her with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. I remember telling Xh about it later on and he dismissed it. I was there when they put the needles in her spine and then watched as soon as they touched that ankle area the graph on screen would just jump. It is not an imagined pain. The neurologist explained to me it was like having a new filling in a tooth and experiencing something cold hitting it. D and I at that point came to the conclusion that this is probably be something she is going to deal with the rest of her life and she doesn't want to start pumping medications into her body at her young age if she can find other ways to cope. PT has offered that.

Today, I truly understand how important it is for D to continue. The weather is beautiful and when she came home she was relaxed and all smiles. She was sore from the workout, but mentally there had been a shift. Last night she was in meltdown mode, in part because she has midterms. She had gone on Tuesday to PT as well, but today was different. I asked her what changed. She said she was paired with the owner Tuesday and today. Today, instead of their usual workout, he opened the back door and gave her a new exercise to do. One she always loved doing.

My kid is a runner. She has been since she could walk. The library has 2 pocket doors that open up to make it possible to run in a perfect loop in the downstairs. She used to run laps following that path. We used to swear that she was going to wear a path in the flooring. She ran outside in the yard.

We still joke about how I hated seeing parents using those leashes on kids when they were little. I ended up having to get one that I only used when we went somewhere in a big crowd, because she would just giggle and bolt. Not because she wanted to misbehave, she just wanted to run. The first time she did it, I was panic stricken as she disappeared into a crowd. D thinks it is the funniest thing that I had to keep her tethered to me.

When she joined the cross country team in high school it was at a time when Xh was in MLC and getting ready to leave. He never took her to a practice or anything else. A big departure from the man who would sit through countless T-ball games and ballet performances and practices. And after D's injury, she became the team manager at her coach's insistence that she was still an important part of the team and didn't want her feeling like the injury somehow made her undesirable. Because D couldn't get on the bus with crutches, I hauled her to countless meets over that time just so she could still participate.

D said today that she knows that competitive running is probably never going to happen for her again and she will never have that type of speed, nor does she want to push herself to that level. That said, she knows she needs that physical outlet and the other component that she said this morning confirmed was she likes being outside. She thinks a treadmill might be fine for some days, but it is that combination of just being outside and running. And she laughed as today, she was just doing laps in the parking lot, but her "coach" now was making sure she was mindful of her gait and retraining her.

What struck me this morning is that now that I am healing and feeling better, how much I have missed being outside and walking longer distances. And I am anxious to work in the yard, but know that is not allowed yet, at least what I want to do. Today, I am going to try and walk a little farther up the road, minus the dog, only because I know she can't make it that far. I am reminding myself that it is going to take me awhile to be able to go the full distance and not feel wiped out. I am anxious to get back to being able to walk 5 miles like it is nothing, but I have to be patient. 
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#85: March 25, 2021, 10:01:20 AM
I received my first dose on 01/13/21 with no side effects except for my arm being sore. Much like a tetnus shot. The second does in February was rough. I was incredibly exhausted, had a fever, and such bad muscle cramps throughout my body that when I woke up the next day, I literally felt like someone had punched me all over. Everything was sore.  I hope that doesn't happen to you, but....just a heads up.  :)
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#86: March 25, 2021, 10:18:55 AM
R got her first jab (AstraZeneca) yesterday and had no side effects other than a knot in her arm (so far... )
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#87: March 25, 2021, 03:16:04 PM
UrsaMajor - LOL. I missed your earlier post - I was writing the same time you were it seems.

I think what has now complicated things is the pandemic and all the crazy things that have gone on since the beginning of the year for me have put me in a bit of a weird place. I know who I am, but I am not really sure what I am supposed to be doing some days. Part of it is just these odd circumstances and having some days where I am feeling really very stuck due to so many things that are beyond my control at the moment. And on a day like today, when I am decidedly tired it makes me feel like I am back in the days of limbo, not a good feeling. I know it will pass, but it is not a good feeling.

Marchingforward - my arm is still a bit sore, but nothing terrible. Thanks for the heads up. I just spoke to my neighbor and she had a similar reaction to your's, while her H was off and running around with just a tender arm. I have kept my schedule open the days after the second dose, just in case I have to lay low.

I was talking to a friend of mine earlier and I have decided I think I am too complicated for some people. I am confusing. It is not their fault they don't get me. I can see where certain perceptions about me arise. I can see where maybe for some people I am a contradiction.

I am terribly shy in some situations, but in some cases feel comfortable enough to voice an opinion. I am on the one hand very honest with those I care about deeply, almost sometimes maybe too blunt, but on the flip side, I feel incredibly deeply and shed tears when most have no clue I am hurting for them. I am independent, only because I have to be more than I really care to be. I don't like people who hover over me or want to somehow cheer me on all the time. I don't respond well to that at all, but I am not without those needs to feel like someone else gives a $h!te about me either. I like knowing I am missed or thought of. And, that is the problem.

I think all of this is coming up because of several little moments over the past couple of days. One being I am tired of people in RL wanting to continually talk about the divorce. They don't even realize they bring it up. It is fine to discuss it once in awhile. I get it, as it still is impacting my life with the kids and sometimes other things. And there are times when there are things that I do need to talk about, but there are a handful of people who feel like somehow it defines my life now. As far as I am concerned, for the most part "yah, and that happened".

I am not one to talk things out over and over. I think that confuses some people. If I say I am over something that usually means I have moved past it. I don't typically hold on to what happened in the past and obsess over it, certainly not after MLC as much. While I may think about it and journal as things pop up, once I put it down in writing, it helps me process it. That is not to say the thoughts or feelings might not linger for some time, but not where I am pondering for weeks on end. I did do that in the MLC era more, but it is not how I am wired in general. So, I don't like continually discussing it over and over. I find no solace in it, nor do I find solutions.

And, I laugh about a great deal, sometimes I come off being flip I think. Or like little bothers me. I do laugh about many things most days. Yes, the whole situation at my house is really very comical. But, I don't like the situation. It is not funny in the grand scheme. I would like to wake up and not have to trek to my parent's house to shower. But, that is the reality at the moment that is in part dictated by having to be patient. The contractors are all booked out and my friend's H owns his own business that for instance, I know because of the warm weather this weekend, he will have an over abundance of business. I am not going to ask him to somehow give up a weekend to help me out. His business relies on good weather. I know he is helping me out and I feel I owe it to him to be patient and mindful of that. He too has responsibilities. Yet, for those who think I just walk around joking about it and making light of it, they have no clue. They don't see me in the moments where it just feels like too much and I am in tears. I just have my meltdown and then pull myself together, knowing at some point things will somehow fall into place and right now, I am just not able to do much on my own for a variety of reasons.

And, yesterday, D brought home flowers while she was out. Usually, they are something she buys regularly for my M. But she had 2 bouquets with her. Turns out, they were both for me. One was a bunch of tulips and the other a mixed bouquet. She smiled and said she was just thinking about me.

I was talking to this friend earlier and we are both people who don't like to ask for things. And, I don't expect people to read my mind. But the truth is, I do like when someone just checks in on me, just because. I miss that.

It bothered me last night I think more than normal. Another friend has been sharing how happy she is with her boyfriend. I am happy for her. Truly happy. She shared something, not in some way to brag, in fact it was about how much something so simple meant to her and it surprised her. I won't lie, I felt a tinge of jealousy.

I realize I am just worn out today. That is not helping. I need a change of pace and movement where I feel like I am not in some sort of limbo. I am hoping a good night's sleep helps tonight because I took 4 small walks today and they have only made me more tired. LOL
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#88: March 26, 2021, 01:54:37 PM
My sleep patterns are so out of whack again. Not sure what has brought this about. Maybe a combination of the time change, the full moon coming up, spring...IDK. I guess the good thing is aside from work today, I am not on a tight schedule where I have to try and function like a normal working person.  ::)

I went to bed right after S came home. We had a brief conversation about how S thinks he is going to move out in the next few months. Not because he is unhappy, but he feels he is ready. I told him I am happy for him and I am, yet last night part of me had a weird feeling about it. I think so much of it is that life has been changing so much and the reality of him moving out potentially makes my house my own. D will be looking into graduate school by next year and the places she has on her radar are not an easy commute. Wow - here I go again. I may be all on my own again like the year they both left for college. And, I recall having that same weird feeling back then.

I will embrace the changes. I am happy for both kids. They need to move on with their lives. I am not sure right now what that means for me and not because of the whole empty nest syndrome. This is more of right now with not being at work full time and life being what it was makes it a little scary, yet also potentially full of possibilities maybe I haven't even considered.

I woke up around 2 am again. This time, I grabbed the book next to my bed and finished reading it around 3. I have poured through quite the stack of books lately. Some I will not put back in my collection, simply because they just didn't move me in any way. This one will remain. It took me some time to get into it, as it had so many characters to have to follow, but a fascinating story about an art forger and provenance. Certainly, not a profession I aspire to pursue - LOL.

When I came into work today, there was a huge list of things that needed addressed. One of my coworkers came in to pick up some of her work and we had a nice visit. She said she and one of our other coworkers are going to be meeting up on Mondays to paint. We will have all been vaccinated by then, which will be a relief. She said I should join them. I started to think about reasons I couldn't and then stopped myself from saying no. I need the motivation and once I start painting outside of the house it will push me to want to go back into my own studio. The truth is right now, with the house under reconstruction, it is too easy to find ways to avoid the studio. So, in a couple of weeks I will take Mondays for myself. And, they are fun to be around. Miss Management has not been included in this invite I am told. Good to know - LOL.

Then a call came in that the figure drawing class is going to start up again. They have a way to social distance and make it possible to work in the space with a model. I am going to add that to my schedule as well.

And now I am putting outdoor things to do on my list as well. I plan on spending time at home and focusing on those things, but I realize I need a change. Now that I am feeling better, I have to find ways to recharge. And these are little trips away that allow me to keep my distance - no crowds. But, photo ops at the very least.

Some of my inspiration came when I was looking through a magazine at work while I ate lunch. It is in fact the magazine that Xh has been involved in. It doesn't bother me to look at it. It is a fantastic magazine and always was before Xh joined their crew. I found some interesting places to check out. Before I closed the magazine, I was curious if someone was still working there in advertising, which was not part of Xh's position. And I paused as I saw that Xh is no longer listed in the credits. Hmmm. He was there last issue and I know for a fact he was working for them. In fact, that was his excuse for not seeing S that one night. Part of me is curious as to what that is about. However, the I laughed when I realized, I honestly don't care to know. It doesn't somehow bring any improvement to my life or satisfaction.

I think I shall take the long way home tonight as both kids have plans.  :)
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#89: March 31, 2021, 12:22:23 AM
My sleep patterns are so out of whack again. Not sure what has brought this about. Maybe a combination of the time change, the full moon coming up, spring...IDK. I guess the good thing is aside from work today, I am not on a tight schedule where I have to try and function like a normal working person.  ::)
<...snip...>
I think I shall take the long way home tonight as both kids have plans.  :)

Blame the full moon... There are lots of sleeping problems in my house at the moment too... R, me, RD20... all of us have been up at some point over the last few nights....

I am jealous about being able to take the long way home. The best I have been able to do is go out with the dog for an hour in the sun but I am in deperate need of some wind therapy...

The bigger question is how will you be able to withstand the quiet without the Velociraptors? ;-)
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#90: March 31, 2021, 10:02:02 AM
UrsaMajor - I will blame the full moon - works for me. LOL

I haven't gone out much in this pandemic, due to obvious reasons. Having surgery also held up any real driving. It felt good to take the long way home last week.

As for the quiet with the Velociraptors gone? I am really not sure how I am going to adjust. I am happy the kids are moving on with their lives in some sort of normal manner. I am genuinely happy for them. Yet, I am not sure what that really looks like for me. Right now, with my career at this very bizarre standstill and the pandemic still lingering, I just don't know. I love my kids and spending time with them. Most of the time I love having them around, but after they both left the first year they went to college and lived in campus housing, I liked having my own schedule and having some freedom. It was a freedom I hadn't had in long time.

I was very fortunate for a long time. Xh for many years had been supportive of my interests and pursuits. He wouldn't get too upset about me wanting to go paint, etc. We both tried very hard to let each other have time to ourselves and would take turns watching the kids. And, we loved spending time together as a family and together. Of course, that whole dynamic changed. Some of it slowly, and I know what brought those changes on. It is not worth repeating again and again. But, the result was me having to become the only parent trying to keep the ship from sinking.

I got a taste of freedom and I kind of liked it when the kids were away. At that point though, I had things that kept me busy. I had my many jobs that I juggled. I had a bit of a social life. I could go for walks or long drives whenever I wanted. But, I will also admit, there were things missing. I craved companionship of some sort and beyond some casual situation.

I do know that with this surgery and recovery, I am glad the kids are home at the moment. I have them yelling at me and reminding me not to do things. LOL. I over did it again on Monday by getting so engrossed in making progress that I just didn't think. Yesterday, I kept working away, but was much more mindful. D insisted she go and pick up the groceries, while S stayed home on "M watch" and was doing things like grabbing the vacuum for me when I mentioned I needed to vacuum the downstairs at some point. I have been cleared to vacuum, just can't carry it up and down the stairway.  ::)

It was gorgeous out yesterday and by late afternoon, I was exhausted physically, but had cabin fever. I had S load up my car with some things that needed donated and I took a drive. I chose to go to the donation center that is considerably farther away because they unload the items from your car for you. (See sometimes I think things out - LOL). And then I decided I would drive some more. I took some roads I have never taken before and had a bit of an adventure.

This week I have realized that I need to get back to some of my "normal" things that I have missed. On Monday, "M" had come to pick up the sculpture she bought from my F. We sat in my parent's dining room, where it is easy to still practice social distancing. We stayed and talked to my F for a long time. My M kept popping in and out, as she was working on my F's business paperwork for tax season and she was on a mission.

"M" told us stories about her F and how this particular piece means so much to her. I could tell my F was completely thrilled and knew it was going to the rightful owner. It reminded me how my F has never been driven by money. He did very well over the years and money has afforded him many comforts, but it is not what has kept him inspired or motivated. And, he needed that interaction the other day. He has been in a bit of a slump the past couple of weeks. The twinkle in his eye came back the other day and the next day he accepted an invite to go trail riding on horseback. It has been well over a year since he has gone out. He was out in the studio yesterday morning before going to get his second Covid shot.

S went up to check on my parents at lunch time. He said my M was wiped out from the vaccine, but my F was whistling away and while he was sore and was exhausted yesterday afternoon, he offered to make S lunch. S came home and said he missed hearing my F whistle. It was something my grandfather always did when I was growing up. I can still hear him whistling away in his garden as he worked. Whistling or singing was not allowed in our house when FIL moved in. He yelled at S when he did it because it meant to FIL that it must mean S wasn't concentrating or was messing around. Funny, I love hearing S whistling or singing, even badly when he is working. Now that I think about it, it has been a very long time since I have heard D sing. She used to sing all the time as a kid. And, I am not sure she knows how to whistle. Hmmmm.

What I have been witnessing with others this past week is some pretty simple things and it is making me assess my own life yet again. With so many things still in the air, I realized I have to quit worrying about all of it at once. Yes, I need to figure out some things. Now that I am feeling better and spring is on it's way, even if Mother Nature is reminding us tomorrow who is still in charge, I need to add some things back into my life. I can't keep living in this complete isolation, even if it just means I am jumping in my car and driving on backroads. No more limbo-like living, even if that means letting go of some other things. I can't live in limbo anymore.
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« Last Edit: March 31, 2021, 10:08:28 AM by MourningDove »

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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#91: April 02, 2021, 02:21:08 PM
I had to work today at the gallery. Not a single person has come through the door. Not even the postal carrier, who handed me the day's mail as I was outside setting up the outdoor display sign and putting out the seasonal flag to indicate we are open. Only a single phone call came in. I had everything done and more by midday, so it has been a very odd day. Even on our slowest days, if it falls on a Friday, I usually encounter some of our regular visitors. Not today. Maybe it is the good weather, IDK.

D called me not too long ago and asked about tonight's plans and to see what was going on this weekend. We briefly discussed the menu for Easter brunch at my parent's house. It will just be the kids, their BF and GF, myself and my parents. It was my M's idea to meet early and allow for the rest of the day to have time to relax or to work on projects. My M likes brunch as a general rule of thumb. I am beginning to think for her it reminds her of when my sister and I were still at home and she could talk to us about what the day ahead looked like. She is always up very early anyways, and by brunch it must feel like lunch time to her - LOL.

I told D that my big plans for tonight were to wait for the phone repair person to show up for S's cellphone which is beyond repair. I have insurance on it and put in a claim. They offered the option of shipping a replacement in several days or driving one out tonight and setting it up for S at no cost. I know S needs his phone for school, as he is in the process of trying to line up internships and can't afford to miss calls for a week. And because while he is in college his phone is on my account, I have to be present. So much for any backroad escapes. LOL

Tomorrow, I really wanted to work outside, but D is wanting some "Mom" time and needs a break from her studying. She called me rather sheepishly. When she calls to talk, I know something is up. Both kids love to text, which if I am honest, I truly hate. I just have my phone on me most times and refuse to link my emails to my phone too. I had that when I worked and it seemed like I was always on the phone. I frankly prefer email or talking to someone if I need to communicate remotely. So, a call from D - hmmmm. She wanted to let me know her grade from her anatomy class exam. UH HUH. I didn't say I told you so, and kept it to myself.

The kid absorbs all of the medical information like a sponge. She used to read medical journals in middle school to relax. And, I know anatomy is a tough class. She got an 84 on the last exam. This morning's which she was in such a snit over yesterday - having an epic meltdown over - she scored a 94 out of 100. I told her I was proud of her, but I wanted to shake her yesterday. In fact, when she started with her meltdown, I shut it down. She had tried to pick a fight with me she was so agitated.  I told her she needed to regroup because falling apart was only going to upset her more and then she wouldn't be able to concentrate. I made her go outside and take the dog out for a walk. The fresh air cleared her head.

We had a discussion about how she needs to find time to decompress somehow and I told her that I used to be that student who needed an A on every project - that self driven student. I know how that works out. Burn out is common. Been there. I learned early on that finding some balance is important and often leads to better results than operating under a constant state of stress.

So, tomorrow we will go out early and she is wanting to go down the trail my sister and I usually walk. She even said she would like to follow the routine that we had set up. So, it will be the bakery, where we will get coffee and a croissant then off to walk the trail along the canal. I am not sure I will be able to handle the full 5 mile walk, but we will go as far as we can go.

I have decided I need to just start doing things on my own again. I accepted an invite for a sculpture preview party at the end of the month. It is a small gathering to view a piece that is slated to be installed in a community in a few weeks. Covid derailed that project. I had seen it in the early stages. Now that I will have my second vaccine soon and the sculptor is very cautious, I know he has kept this gathering small and his studio space is huge so social distancing is pretty easy to adhere to, as well as masks. It is probably safer than going to the grocery store, tbh.

I added some events to my calendar that I normally in the past have gone with others to, but I am just going no matter what. Garden tours and it may just be me and my camera. IDK.

My M called me to inform me that my cousin has a new GF. I am happy for him. He is a really good man. He was devastated when his now XW left, and did his grieving. I hope this woman knows what she has and is worthy of him. I hope she sees all of his flaws for what they are and he finds happiness.

I will admit though - I am envious. Between my friend, who is blissfully happy with her BF and my cousin, I am tired of this single life. Not so tired that I am going to just hit the dating circuit. That is not me. I am not sure what it means. LOL. I do know I am not going to just wait for life to happen anymore. Yes, there is a pandemic still going on, but now that I am feeling better, I am going to start to find my spontaneous side again. Would it be better to have someone who wants to tag along - yes, but I also know I am not waiting around and if it means going to these things by myself, then so be it.
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#92: April 05, 2021, 09:55:50 AM
My M and I had an interesting conversation. She happened to mention something about my aunt having shared with multiple people recently that how many times over the years she had to be tested for STD's because of my uncle's inability to stay faithful. My aunt was saying how embarrassing and upsetting it had been over the years and my M was feeling very bad for her. It was my response that shocked my M.

There are so many things I did not share with my parents or many people in RL. It wasn't their business and frankly after I left the IC, where I had laid my whole life out piece by piece, or journaled, I didn't want to feel like I had to somehow debrief everyone else in my life. For one, at the time, I was hoping to possibly reconcile with Xh and I didn't want the rest of the world to know what he had done. I had to at that point find a way to somehow forgive him and move past it if we were to somehow reconnect. But, I do remember the fear of finding out he had an OW and realizing he was bouncing between the 2 of us.

Oh, sure when I confronted him about it all he assured me they were "careful". He also turned it on me at the time and said his OW was very healthy and clean.He never really clarified what that meant and I never pushed, primarily because at that time, I was still just reeling from it all and hanging on to my marriage as tightly as I could.  I recall at the time feeling like somehow OW was clearly much better than I was in Xh's eyes. He defended her right away and never consoled me.

Yesterday was not an opportunity to somehow bash Xh. I explained to my M that going into the doctor's office and the many emotions that were going on was incredibly difficult. To go in and tell my doctor, who I had seen for years that I was there to make sure I wasn't a walking petrie dish with heaven knows what was embarrassing. It was also terrifying and as I thought about it, I think being alone during my steps to the surgery brought up some of those triggers of being in a situation all on my own.

The conversation I had with my M was merely about I don't want to live like my aunt. She has spent so many years complaining about my uncle and not in a normal way that maybe married couples do from time to time. But my M grumbling about one of my F's idiosyncrasies is very different than my aunt's laundry list. I can't think of a time in all of my years where my aunt has said anything nice about my uncle - not that I really blame her, as he is not a nice guy. But, she kept claiming she loved him and stayed with him even though he was always emotionally unavailable. After awhile, it is hard to feel sorry for people who get caught in the same loop. My aunt was given options and advice over the years. She just refused to do anything different. She hasn't done any mirror work nor has my uncle. It's exhausting.

I told my M that there are so many things I don't share in general with the rest of the world. I have worked through with an IC at first then by journaling. I have my hiccups and those things I sometimes need to share or will share with people. I sometimes will share if I realize perhaps my experience can benefit someone else who is in need of some advice, etc. Beyond that, I don't want to somehow keep discussing all of the details.

The overall brunch was lovely and we didn't spend a whole morning discussing that, but it did filter into my head a little. I found myself having a moment after I left my parent's house where the experience of going to the doctor sort of flashed into my head. The exam room and the waiting for results - that memory seemed so vivid yesterday. I was fortunate.

It made it difficult to want to just go out and throw myself into potential situations down the line. I knew that it was going to take a lot of faith and trust for me to ever enter into any sexual relationship with anyone else.

Luckily, I realized that the possibility of going down the rabbit hole was too tempting. I spent the rest of the afternoon outside, raking and pulling out small saplings after I had carefully loosened the ground around them with a shovel. S brought the tractor over for me to use with a wagon on the back. I happily worked outside for hours and ended up with a bit sun and windburn on my cheeks.

I had been outside for about an hour when I heard S's friend's truck coming down the road. It is funny how you just know certain sounds. S and his friend were discussing their trip at the end of the month to help S's former roommate move here. He took the job that was offered and will temporarily move in with S's friend and his roommates until he can find a place. S then paused and said that was the week my birthday falls on and he was worried I would be upset. I laughed and assured him I was not upset about it.

It wasn't too long after I went back to work I heard 2 tractors coming down the road. S and his friend went and borrowed my F's tractor and the other neighbor's tractor. I walked back over to the other side of the house to see what they were up to. I watched for a bit as they cleaned up the orchard. There had been limbs that had fallen down during the last storm and the trees needed some TLC. On top of that, there were still twigs from the many trees they had cut down before the winter and we couldn't get them all cleaned up. They turned over the soil and S has grass seed he is going to spread. The orchard needs some new trees eventually, but the area looked so pretty this morning - all leveled out and everything trimmed up. It made me want to hang the bird houses back up that the kids made years ago and Xh removed at one point.

I hurt today from the activity. It has been months since I have felt some of these muscles being used. It's not the same type of pain I had felt and while I ache, it feels incredibly good. I didn't over do it yesterday. S and his friend both made sure of that. I laughed as they were taking turns checking up on me, knowing how I operate and I get engrossed in what I am doing. I was forced to go in and rest at one point. D called later to check as well. I laughed and said I clearly cannot get away with anything. LOL.
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#93: April 05, 2021, 08:35:35 PM
At this moment, I am numb. I have gone through just about every emotion there is in the book in the past few hours. I have nothing left to give at this point. I feel defeated right now.

I was having a good day and while I wasn't as productive as I would have liked to have been due to having to changes in plans earlier in the day, the sun was out and I was feeling good physically. I was mildly frustrated with the bathroom issue as we are back to not being able to use it at all. S and my friend's H have time this week to address the heat line, so I was trying to be patient about the issue. But, there had been a lot of rain this past week and I kept having this sickening feeling about the leach lines or something else being the problem. I just told myself to keep a positive outlook because things are in fact moving forward, even when there are a few setbacks. With COVID in play, the process has been more complicated as it is - just getting supplies, etc.

This past weekend, D's boyfriend was excited to share something with me. He asked me how I felt about a granite countertop for the bathroom vanity. I was curious as to what he was getting at. His grandfather and his partner had redone their bathroom and had chosen a vanity top, but then decided it wasn't quite the right color for their tile. They bought it last year in the anticipation of redoing the bathroom and never installed it. When the tile and flooring was installed, they decided the countertop didn't go and it was too late to return it. It is in fact one of the options I had been considering and I had a sample of it in the bathroom and does compliment the tiles I have picked out. D's BF said his grandfather was so thrilled it was not going to waste, so that saved me a considerable amount of money.

I was preparing for my painting group tonight, pulling together images and trying to figure out what I wanted to paint when S came in. I could tell by his body language it was not good news. He motioned for me to come outside. I felt my insides turn into a big knot and felt my contacts becoming blurry from the tears. I stepped back and looked at the driveway and knew right away my fears have not been unfounded. The driveway had sunk some in the past few days and there is a crack. The vent to the driveway from the septic had popped up. Nothing coming out of it, but it is not good. S looked at me and said I had warned Xh about this when he put the driveway in and had said it was something that needed addressed.

Yes, back when the dry well had collapsed and Xh dug up the original gravel driveway, I had suggested to him that we should invest in replacing the septic lines as well, since they were original to the house before we put on the garage addition and put in the blacktop driveway. Because it was structural and not going to make Xh happy, he and FIL ganged up on me. I was stupid, etc. the MLC playbook.

What makes me so upset today was I didn't fight hard enough then. Looking back I wish I had taken out my personal savings and just thrown money at it. I was paying for virtually every other bill back then to keep us afloat. FIL would pay for the things he wanted and Xh was just not only hiding money but spending it on things he wanted. I let it happen all because I convinced myself I was letting Xh work through his issues. Meanwhile, I was too wrapped up in saving my marriage that I allowed this type of thing to happen. I enabled it and now I am paying for it.

I am angry with Xh, but I am more disappointed in myself because I can't really blame Xh for not being responsible or a good partner - he wasn't at that time. I knew that and I still let it happen. I am responsible for this mess I am having to deal with. This has nothing to do with not trusting a partner, because I lost faith in myself at this point and that is on me. I knew better in that case that while it may not be sexy, like it or not, structure has to come first before you go and put up the flourishes.

I felt overwhelmed and sad. I felt like I am not ever going to catch a break. It was truly too much.

My sister called and I started to fall apart. I was really ready to just put the house on the market and be done. Xh was right - I can't do this on my own. My sister stopped me when I started to beat myself up. She ran the numbers - and I laughed. They are the numbers I had run with her months ago when I was cheering myself on - and they make perfect sense. Back when I ran the numbers it made sense to stay here. I own the house outright and have very few bills. Yes, I could have sold it prior to all of these crazy things going on and made a decent profit, but now, I would be insane to try and unload it. I would lose my shirt right at this juncture. With the repairs my equity more than doubles. My sister made sense and I began to calm down a little.

I said things come in threes, so I am hoping this is it. She pointed out that everything that I have faced so far this year have been things that needed repaired and addressed, including my own body, so maybe this is the third thing and I am good to go. It made me laugh. I do hope she is right. LOL

I called my BIL's friend that does plumbing and spoke to him. He said it is a bigger issue and he recommended a group that he works with. He said to use his name and they will take good care of me. Turns out S knows the owner of the company as well.

I was ready to just not go anywhere. S grabbed my things and started to load them in my car. He handed me my purse and said I was to go paint because there was nothing I could do and the problem is not going to get resolved or get any worse in the next few hours, so I should just go and take my mind off of it.

I cried on my way to the painting session, but forced myself to go. I had a bunch of images I was considering but before I left, S pulled one out of the pile that was a picture of George, D's cat. I hadn't printed that one out to paint at all. That was just an image I was using for a color proof for my printer. It is a really good image of George and a nice composition. S said I should paint that for D. I don't often paint animals, but I agreed I would do this for D.

I walked into the group and a couple of women I haven't seen in awhile asked how I was. I started laughing and said other than my septic lines collapsing things were going well. One of the women in the group that works with me asked me how I was feeling. It is a very intimate group of people, so I wasn't upset when one asked what I had done. I mentioned my surgery and she asked right away if I had fibroids. I told her that it turned out I had fibroids and adenomyosis. She herself had that and it is the most excruciating thing she experienced and cannot believe I was running around with it for so long. I will admit that made me feel better knowing someone else who understood.

I found myself getting very lost in my painting and in a good way. I didn't even sketch anything out on paper ahead of time and decided to do a complete underpainting first. I went very radical on my whole approach. No sketches on paper, and the underpainting I norm ally do is in earth tones, which allows for me to set an overall tonal value and to work out the composition. Tonight I worked in orange and red tones. When I began to lay in the green tones of the plants in the image, as George is hiding amongst a group of hostas in the picture, the whole thing just started to pop. The whole session I let the stress go.

Problem is, it returned the minute I got in the car. I sobbed all the way home. I feel like at the moment that I should just quit thinking about my dreams because they are just so far out of reach at this point in time. I am not sure how I am going to make this all happen. It feels like such a daunting task.

I came home and unloaded my painting and stared at it a bit. IDK how I will do it, but I will figure it out and tomorrow I will just get up and face the day and try to keep moving forward. I don't have a partner to hold my hand through this, so I will just have to come up with a gameplan on my own. It really sucks sometimes being team made up of me, myself and I.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#94: April 06, 2021, 01:25:02 AM
I'm sorry, Mourning.
You know that many of us here know that feeling. When being solo makes small problems feel big and big ones feel too much.

You may not know, but I hope you do, that you have a 100% track record so far though of being more than enough to cope with this stuff. To curse out the lemons, roll your sleeves up and replace them with lemonade. And you are not entirely alone bc you have family and friends who will help you if you let them. And your xh and fil were both prime examples of men with crap coping skills unfit to vouchsafe a valid or objective opinion on yours  :)
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#95: April 06, 2021, 09:28:51 AM
Thank you Treasur.

Yes, being alone makes some of this seem almost insurmountable, tbh. And, it is not that a need for someone help me solve it either. Sometimes it is just the need to fall apart in someone's arms and just feel secure.

I do have a very supportive family and for that I am grateful. My sister called late last night and told me I am not to worry, that she will come down and help me with some of the other things around the house to help make progress. She knows I am frustrated by things like wanting to resettle the living room and den now that I am making some progress. With both kids busy at school, I can't move furniture around yet. My sister loves decorating, so she will enjoy it and at this point, I am just wanting to get my house to a point where I feel like I can relax and maybe actually start having some type of normal routine. My parents already told me that they are going to help me out however they can. Both kids have been great. So, I do know I am very blessed.

Part of me has a very hard time with the support. I have to push Xh's voice from my head saying I can't do it on my own. I know part of this stems from his jealousy that I did have the support of my family and he never really did. My problem lies in that I not only hear that, but I am desperately continually rebuilding my own self confidence and this support sometimes makes me feel serious guilt. I know it shouldn't because these are people who I would do the same in return. We have our family dynamics, but we can count on one another.

I didn't sleep terribly well, which I anticipated. I woke up and contacted my accountant and pushed off my tax prep meeting. I knew my brain was not there today. I am upset with myself, but it would be a waste of both of our time today. I knew my focus had to shift for the time being to the situation with the septic.

After talking to my parents this morning, I came home and the phone rang. It was the company the plumber recommended. They will be able to come out tomorrow to look at it and if it is what I think it is, they won't be able to do repairs for 2-3 weeks. I think the receptionist was surprised at how calm I was. By then I had already come to a level of acceptance. I had in fact been looking at the calendar and thinking about all of the things going on and knowing just like everything happened all at once, it may all be resolved at the same time. Or I should say at least the bulk of some of the issues. I don't anticipate having my laundry room anywhere near done by then, but D's room, the other rooms resettled for the most part, and perhaps the bathroom will at least be to a point where I can start tiling. By then, I should also be in the clear for lifting more things - not going full tilt, but I will be moving in the right direction.

Before they company called, I had already just told myself that I will simply shift my focus to the outside work and the things I can control. I will call the high school and start subbing - I know they were wanting me to come back at least in that capacity. It is not what my long term plan is, but it would be a little income coming in, so I can avoid tapping into any more of my dwindling savings. Maybe by then I will have an answer from the college or other places. But, for now, I am going to just keep focusing on getting stronger and making progress where I can.

I should be freaking out and sick over this whole thing. I know what a new septic system is going to cost me and I have already figured that is what has to happen. When I spoke to the receptionist, she said that if I decide to sell the house at any point my current system is grandfathered in and the tank itself is possibly fine, but the reality is it is not up to code in terms of size. Back when the house was built it was more than adequate, but now I would need a larger tank, etc. So, I am of the mind to make it right and take the financial hit with the thought that it will secure the equity in the house that I have tried to preserve. And, I don't like doing things slip-shod when it comes to structural.

I also know this is going to cost me in terms of the driveway. I laughed and decided I have always hated that driveway anyways. It was never right and needs French drain systems installed. IDK what I will do with it. That will be part of tomorrow's discussion.

So much for my thoughts of some other repairs on the house any time soon, or I will have to figure out ways to do more on my own.

I am tired, but strangely fine at the moment. My plans for today are to work outside some more and then to work on my painting. George doesn't have the right attitude in the painting. He has a very specific personality and I need to work that out before I get too far into the detail work. It's been awhile since I really wanted to work on a painting.

IDK - somehow I guess things will work out the way they should. My sister had said the thing I have to remind myself is it is not like I just somehow wait for things to happen. I am proactive and do work on solutions, I just roll with it more than most people.

It is not like I somehow love living this way right now. It is embarrassing and terribly humbling. Yet it is also somewhat comical. I have to joke about the state of things because I would just give up completely. IDK - my home renovation is not exactly happening like it does on TV. But, then I also don't have a crew of people nor do I want to take out loans to make these things happen.

UGH - Those dang words time and patience just keep showing up every where I turn.  ::)
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#96: April 06, 2021, 11:54:51 AM
I don't know. It seems like the hits come in waves and just about the time we think we have it sorted and slightly calm, another wave hits. You've been in rather a tsunami.

You know, your xh really meant you can't do this without HIM. None of us has any need to do it all on our own. That's why friends, family and decent people who help others and are not selfish exist. ;D
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#97: April 06, 2021, 12:04:14 PM
Life has a way of reminding us to be grateful for the things we do have.

I had gone next door to the one neighbor's house to drop off a winter hat I had from when S was little. It was a hat that had the school logo on it and it was still mixed in with the other winter hats and such in the house. I sorted through those this morning and put them away for the season. When I found the small winter hat, I was getting ready to donate it and then heard the neighbor's grandsons next door. They haven't been around much with Covid, but since the grandparents now both have had their vaccines, the boys are back there each day. Knowing the boys go to the same school my kids graduated from, I figured the eldest would probably be pretty happy with the hat.

That set of neighbors I have known for a long time. I used to babysit their 4 boys when I was in school and now I like seeing their grandchildren playing in the yard. Today, they were helping the grandparents clean up the yard. The oldest is in first grade and the twins are in preschool. I giggled as I saw the younger one trying to rake using the adult sized rake. He was very determined.

The hat was a hit. The grandmother wondered if it was a new hat as it looked brand new. I laughed and said back when S bought it with his own money, he rarely wore it because he was afraid he would ruin it. I always wash the hats and gloves before packing them away for the season, so this was ready to wear. The kid put it on his head right away and had a grin from ear to ear.

As I walked back, I noticed the other neighbor was outside. I haven't seen her in months. Her H has put up with a lot and she rarely comes out. I had been critical of her at one point thinking it was a MLC she was having, but I had recently spoken to the neighbor and he said she has had some health issues that he had no idea were going on.

I always got along really well with her and she waved to me as I was walking back. I decided to say hello to her. I thought she was going to cry. She apologized right away that she might not remember things. She is several years younger than I am and a few years back she had some strange migraines that brought on stroke like symptoms. Her GP at the time said they were just bad migraines, but I am beginning to wonder. She is being tested for early dementia. And as we talked, it was very apparent she couldn't find the words or recall numbers at all. It was very similar to how my grandmother's Alzheimer's started.

I know the statistics with early dementia. it is a pretty grim outlook.

She mentioned wanting to go for walks more but her kids and sister are always too busy. I told her I would gladly start walking with her. And she talked about her granddaughter, who was almost 2. She was over Easter Sunday and I am sorry I missed it. She was running around my yard and in the orchard. She apparently spotted the tire swing that still hangs from the large Japanese Maple and climbed into it. I told her to come and bring her over to swing any time.

I came back home and I am almost ashamed at myself for being upset about my situation. Yes, it is still stressful, but put into that context and the reality she and her family might be facing, I am going to be thankful for what I have. I cannot imagine that potential diagnosis.

OffRoad - I just saw your post before I hit post - It does feel a bit like a tsunami. I am really ready for life to be a bit of a slow babbling brook for a stretch. LOL.

I think you are probably right about my Xh. That statement had to do with him and not so much me. And, I am lucky to have kind and decent people in my life who are far from selfish.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#98: April 06, 2021, 01:31:51 PM
I've learned through these ten years of mlc hell that it takes both rain AND sunshine to make a rainbow.
I'm ready for my rainbow.
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#99: April 06, 2021, 09:08:40 PM
Jo - A rainbow would be a nice change.  ;)

D and I walked up to my parent's house this afternoon. I was surprised she wanted to go with me considering she had gone to PT this morning and is usually really worn out from those appointments by mid-afternoon.

We walked past the small brook that runs along the side of the orchard which separates our property from the neighbor's to our east. The grandchildren had been helping today and had cleared out the shallow waterway of larger limbs and debris. They did such a good job that there were a pair of ducks swimming in the waterway, which is unusual to see in that area. They seemed to be scoping out areas to nest. D and I were laughing as they would stop and waddle over top of piles of brush that still remained untouched.

We arrived at my parent's house and they were in a very good mood. My M in particular seemed in rare form. We visited for awhile and then D and I began to walk home. We were just out of my parent's driveway when D put her arm up and stopped me as if to stop me from stepping out into traffic. She looked at me and said "we need to go back". I paused and wondered what was going on until I saw Xh's car in our driveway. It is pretty difficult to miss, as it the color of an orange habanero pepper. D gave me with a "what is he doing there" look. It isn't Thursday, so I had no idea why he would be in the area. Personally, I was ready to go home and could have cared less. I was ready to just walk home and go about my day, but I didn't push D.

My F was where we had left him - sitting on the sun-soaked porch in a chair reading a new novel he had gotten. He looked up and before he could say a word my M reappeared and asked if all was okay. D explained she had no interest in seeing Xh. My M asked D why not. D wasn't the least bit upset. It shocked me that she didn't bristle at all. She told my M that she has not heard from Xh since January. He never responded to the photo his client sent and she explained to my M that she has found that it is easier at this point to not upset herself with contact. She has essentially adopted concept of going dim. She explained that she has found his passive-aggressive approach is not healthy for her and if he wants to have a relationship he is going to have to figure out a way to break the ice. She is focusing on her schoolwork and her life that she has control over.

My M was feeling bad for Xh for a bit and suggested perhaps Xh doesn't know how to restart the connection. It was when she suggested perhaps D should go home and give her F a hug because perhaps he knows he has messed up. D actually started laughing. I looked at my M and said maybe that is what I should do - go give him a hug. My F, who had been very quiet said he was going to get his camera because that was worth documenting - Xh's reaction. D burst out laughing and said a group hug might really do the trick. My F, shut down my M's suggestion in a very calm manner, but he said if she felt Xh needed a hug maybe she should go give him one. My M realized how none of us were being mean, it is just how it is now and we have to laugh.

D and I walked home and she commented that my F has clearly crossed into a different mindset. I explained to her that my F is very much like I am and his irritation speaks volumes. He and Xh were like F and S. Xh's continued behavior not only towards me, but the kids in particular has made my F push Xh out of his own set of inner circles. There is no coming back from that once my F makes that move. He won't be unkind, but he will not let that person back in. The trust is gone and damage is far too great to repair. I had seen some indications that my F felt that way, but today he was in full "protect D" mode.

By the time we reached home, Xh was leaving. I played stupid, as did D and didn't ask S about noticing Xh's car. It was later that I noticed something in the garage. It was a box with S's college address on it. But, it wasn't just any box. I know this type of work and it is beyond impressive. Xh had clearly brought S a box he designed and fabricated to look like a bulldozer and it was airbrushed and had hand lettering on it. I know it took hours.

When Xh was in college, he started designing boxes for all of his projects. They were always elaborate and decorated for whatever purpose. They won him several awards over the years. It was something he would do with the kids sometimes as well.

This, I have to admit was really impressive. It is not just a rectangle with drawings on it. It did make me smile because S was very excited to show me the details. And with it came the explanation of how Xh had made it to ship to college, but since S is remote this week, he thought he would drop it off.

I went back inside and I was annoyed. It bothers me that Xh dropped that off, full well seeing D's car was there. S mentioned Xh didn't even ask if anyone else was home - which bothered S. So, Xh brought this handmade gift full of snacks and hidden treasures for S, but not a thing for D. And, what annoyed me more was Xh spent hours and hours on that - I know from the previous ones he has made that this had to take him easily 10-20 hours minimum and yet he hasn't taken time to see S in a couple of weeks, and D - well months. It boggles my mind, TBH.

I have to wonder a bit. When all of this MLC garbage showed up on our doorstep, Xh was operating at right about the age in which he was when his parents split up, which would mean he was about 16 or 17 mentally. He had adopted the attire from his youth, etc. Now he is suddenly making these boxes again. Hmmm, maybe in the last few years he has finally progressed to the age of about 19. So, being in a bit of a snarky mood now, I guess at least Xh isn't quite operating in dog years. He seems to be closer to 5 MLCer years equalling one of a normal person. Makes sense in MLC land.  ::)

I didn't let it ruin my evening. I spent three hours working on my painting of George. It is actually coming along rather well. D is very excited about the painting. I told her it was her B's idea and she has told me I have to find a painting to do for S as well and she is on a mission to find the subject matter I should tackle. I am going to be curious as to what she decides that should be. I am betting it won't be a portrait of Xh.  ::)
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#100: April 06, 2021, 11:07:51 PM
I am very proud of your daughter; I imagine you are too.
It takes a lot of courage to calmly say 'no, that doesn't work for me' out loud to people you care about.

And it is a reminder that other people loved our pre-MLC spouse and were hurt and confused by it all too often, not just us, not just our kids.

I suspect that your xh has noticed that your son has been saying no a little more and disengaging a little. The box is probably, even unconsciously, an effort to stop your son pulling away further. A kind of reconnection, I suppose. Bc actually if he loses that connection, it is the only one left to his old life and family isn't it? Funny how these MLCers go for the indirect over the direct every time. ::) I suspect (rightly) he knows that your daughter will be a tougher crowd.....How does your son feel about the box as a gift? And the ignoring of your daughter?

Ha ha....group hug for MLCers sounds a bit like me trying to hug my cat when she doesn't want one  :)....squirmy and bitey  :)
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#101: April 07, 2021, 01:33:11 AM
Quote from: MourningDove
I didn't let it ruin my evening. I spent three hours working on my painting of George. It is actually coming along rather well. D is very excited about the painting. I told her it was her B's idea and she has told me I have to find a painting to do for S as well and she is on a mission to find the subject matter I should tackle. I am going to be curious as to what she decides that should be. I am betting it won't be a portrait of Xh.

Maybe with horns and a pointy tail? and a pitchfork?

Or maybe with a horrified pained expression in the middle of a group hug?

OK, I'll be nice now....
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#102: April 08, 2021, 08:06:33 AM
Treasur - I was really very proud of D and how she handled the other night. She wasn't rattled and she wasn't scared, she just made a decision to not engage when she saw Xh's car. She avoided the situation but not in an avoidant way, which is hard for some to understand. This was more self preservation and protecting herself, as she knows that right now Xh is nowhere near being able to have a relationship and all it does is derail her life. It isn't that she doesn't love her F, but much like many LBS land, she doesn't like who he has become. She holds on to the happy memories and while she hopes Xh will some day come around and figure his $h!te out she isn't holding on to that outcome. I suppose she has gotten through part of the grieving stages.

As for S, IDK what he thinks. I know he didn't come rushing into the house with that package and pre MLC he would have had every reason to show it off. It is impressive. He kept it in the garage. D saw it, and said it was really beautifully crafted. S's response was to acknowledge the craftsmanship, but he was quick to change the subject to D and what had happened in her day.

D is hurt, but she has told me over and over she has accepted that this is some weird FOO stuff Xh is going through and she won't somehow blame S for having a relationship with Xh. I think the box bothers her less than the out and out dismissal of things like acknowledging her birthday, etc. Or inviting S's GF for dinner and not D. But, she also realizes that GF is safer for Xh - he can put on his act of being the loving F and be charming. Even S realizes it is a facade and will say Xh was acting weird.

It's tough though. With these new feelings from the kids being exposed, it is difficult to hold my tongue and be mindful of the fact that it is still their F. I try so hard not to demonize who he was or to criticize too much, simply because I begin to sound like a bitter divorcée if I do. And, I am not. Xh may make steam come out of my ears, but I don't walk around thinking about him every day. I might have a blip in the day that reminds me of something, but it is just a blip most days. And like it or not, it is going to happen if only because I have the kids to remind me.

UrsaMajor - LOL. If I recall "golden phallus with ears" is where we left off in regards to Xh. You know the problem with your suggestions for portraits I can actually very vividly visualize in my head. That is not a good thing - LOL. And, what made me laugh especially hard is when I read the comment about the horns, pointy tail and pitchfork. Early in MLC Xh grew out his beard a bit longer and IDK if it was because he has a very chiseled facial structure or he meant it to look that way, but his beard came to a point. The kids hated it, as did I and D used to call him Lucifer. It would not be a far stretch to make that portrait possible and believable.  ::)

But, the only portrait I have any interest in focusing on at the moment is of George. D squealed with absolute delight when she saw it yesterday. I began to work on it around 10:30 last night. I was awake and just thought I would dabble. Yah, that didn't happen. I was not happy with the very dramatic foreshortening of George's body and his overall attitude in the painting. And, I knew that I would have to give up something to gain something else. It is always a risk that you can lose the energy in the piece when you go back into it. But, I knew in my heart the structure was not right somehow and only by a fraction. And, much like my F has done with sculptures, and literally stripped things back to the base to rebuild, I wiped a whole section of my painting away. I had hours in that area.

I was going to go to bed, and washed my brushes, but then walked by the painting and started working away. It was 1:30 am before I stopped. This morning I was up at 7:30 and staring at the piece. I laughed because the gesture and attitude are right but George is bigger than I started with him, which is okay. I will adjust. The whole point of the piece is not to create a photographic rendering. I have done those and can do that, but this is more about George and his personality.

I would love to paint all day today, but unfortunately other responsibilities are taking priority. I have bills to pay and other tasks that I don't want to avoid.

I had spent some time cutting the rest of the ornamental grasses down yesterday so that the new shoots can come through. Then I reorganized the living room and moved the furniture around with S's help.

There was a mix up in the office at the construction company who is coming to look at my septic system and they are now supposed to show up today. Here is hoping that happens so I can resolve this mess and move on with my life. I am preparing for the worst scenario which seemed to upset my M. She said not to be doom and gloom. I really am not upset anymore. I am sure if it is the worst case scenario it will be a tough pill to swallow, but I am preparing myself for that news. I have already accepted it and am really okay with it. If it has to happen, then so be it and maybe it is a blessing. I had to of course explain to my M that I am looking on the bright side - at least it didn't happen in the middle of winter. It is something that would have to be done if I ever decide to sell the house down the line, etc.

I won't say that this is something I am thrilled about. I am still having a hard time with realizing that it means a serious adjustment in my plans to do other things. I reminded myself that my friend once told me it takes most people 5 years to level out financially after a divorce. With COVID thrown in the mix, that has changed that radically. But, I have to remind myself all of the things I have gotten done and I was, prior to COVID on much more solid ground financially and otherwise. The health issues factored in as well, as does my healing process.

The weather is perfect today and I am going to make sure I take advantage of at least being outside part of the day. It's too nice to be stuck inside.  :)
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#103: April 08, 2021, 10:56:13 AM
Oh joy - another batch of fan mail for Xh. Three pieces to be exact and one for him personally and the other two - for his business. And the one of the two for his business is very telling and it doesn't take opening it to know exactly what it is. I involved with the bookkeeping for Xh's business when we worked together, I know exactly what this is and this time of year it is not good. It is the same piece of mail that showed up months ago and last year.

The one thing our accountant told us many years ago was you never mess around and avoid anything from the state in terms of taxes, as they are merciless. The fees and penalties are insane and they are not easy to work with. And, I know that from when Xh had the issue with the client taking us for a ride very early on, the IRS was easy to work with, the state was not nearly as accommodating. So, now I have another piece of mail that tells me that not only has Xh not changed his address at all, he has not been filing taxes at all. And that also leads me to believe he has not paid his accountant, because his very expensive corporate accountant would not let this slide. That is why we hired him in the first place - to manage the books when Xh's business expanded.

Now I realize Xh doesn't have the same client base he had, considering he basically obliterated his company during MLC, but at the very least he should be dealing with this on his own.

Does it matter to me? Not really at this point. I will take it to the post office and tell them to return to sender, etc. So that is just a blip out of my day.

I think in terms of how it affects me, it simply punctuates how Xh can do things like make pretty packages for S, but still is running from being an adult or doing anything responsible. And maybe in light of what is going on at the house with the septic it makes me feel a little better in that I am doing my best and in spite of the words Xh pounded into my head - that I wouldn't be able to do it on my own - the reality is I am staying afloat. It may not always be pretty and it sucks being responsible all the time, but Xh's version of "doing it on his own" won't bode well for him if he keeps avoiding the taxes, especially in an economy when the state, like so many is hurting for money.

Little reminders that the MLCer may put on a good facade, but it is just that - fake. Life is not really perfect in their world.

On a funnier note - D just came in and mentioned she had made a midday snack for S and I. We have been outside spreading grass seed in the orchard and picking up small rocks that were exposed when he leveled out the soil. The dog has learned more words it seems with the kids being home durning the pandemic. We have to be cautious when we say things like walk or dinner, etc. We had several variations and had even used a variety of languages to throw her off. You cannot come in and ask if anyone has fed her dinner, because she knows that phrase. We have had to get very creative in our language. And, she knows if you say nana or papa that is my parents. She will jump ready to go visit or think they are at the door.

One of the worst words though we have realized is cheese. The dog loves cheese and it is something we give her on occasion. If you open the fridge she doesn't come running immediately but knows the sound of the drawer that we keep cheese in.

D came into the library, as I was sorting the mail and I was laughing as the dog was napping on her bed near the desk and D carefully started to tell me that the snack she had prepared for S and I was a warm baguette, fruit and some "hardened dairy product". It took me a minute and I started laughing. Okay, that is the code phrase this week for cheese. Got it. LOL

This is how I survive the madness of things like septic tanks collapsing - laughter and stupid things like "hardened dairy products". I don't think from a marketing standpoint that is terribly appetizing, but the dog is still napping, so that is good.  ;)
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#104: April 12, 2021, 08:02:18 AM
Ah yes, the "code words" for the dog - I know that one well....

"Bring your stick" is one that gets a reaction....

So, a golden phallus with ears, a pointy beard, horns, a tail and pitchfork?
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« Last Edit: April 12, 2021, 08:06:23 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#105: April 26, 2021, 02:41:32 PM
UrsaMajor, the sculpture idea is really becoming more and more tempting.  ::)

The past couple of weeks I have been in a very quiet, keep to myself mood most of the time. I haven't wanted to share anything with the world. It is not that I haven't been a hermit or not talking to others, but I haven't really had a desire to share too much. In fact, in some ways, I have been in a bit of a self preservation mode.

I think in part it is because awhile back, someone came up to me that had heard about what all has been going on in my life with my surgery and the house, etc. I found it to be too much to hear and it made me feel like a victim. Yes, some crazy things have happened to me and it is not fun. I feel beat down and defeated a great deal lately, but strangely, I don't want to portray myself as a victim or be perceived that way either. People having sympathy and empathy are one thing, but when it goes into you that next level, it triggers me. I have such a strong reaction to that since BD and MLC.

Yes, MLC and BD happened to me. They were beyond my control. From that standpoint, I was a victim of the circumstances. It is not to diminish what happened, but it took me time to realize that I was in control of how I handled moving forward. It is not easy to pull yourself out of that victim mentality and I vowed to not let it ever consume me like it did back when Xh just pulled the rug out from under all of us.

Life has been kicking me left and right. I am tired and worn out from it all.

I know people mean well and I am all about being positive, but I have to admit that if anyone tells me "God has a plan", "you have survived worse", or some quote about my strength, or life only gives you what you can handle - etc, I am going to go all "country girl" on them. Those well-intended phrases are not somehow calming to me at the moment and it is not because I am somehow jaded and don't believe those things. It is simply right now, those phrases simply sound like noise to me.

Those who know me well, those who get me, know that I may be struggling and feeling like at some moments like I want to just throw my hands up and say I have no fight left in me, that I will somehow find some inner strength or something to be grateful for to give me to somehow keep going. It may come in the form of simple things, but I have learned how to re-channel those negative thoughts most of the time.

And, I have had plenty to be grateful for as of late. I am feeling physically better. I have been cleared to resume normal activity "within reason". The doctor was funny - he knows my type too well. He told me to ease into some of the things still. I heard him loud and clear - in other words, no attempting to move large pieces of furniture by myself. In other words, I am to pause and think about what I attempt by myself.  ::) It's all good. I am behaving - for the most part. LOL

I have been trying to return doing my "homework" and carving out time for myself, but lately it feels like I can't quite get away from the responsibilities that fall on my shoulders. It has been a couple of weeks of things like meeting with the accountant to file my taxes and chasing down septic companies to actually come to diagnose the problem. They are all busy right now with jobs that getting someone to come and tell me what the situation is has been maddening. Finally after 2 weeks, and countless calls, I have had a response from a new company and they came today to decide what the next step is. At least I have some sense of a plan to move ahead. Still not sure how bad it is, but my instincts on this are not wrong it would seem. Fortunately, they explained how they can diagnose the problem and that made me feel better. It makes perfect sense and they are not looking to replace the whole system if they don't have to.

I was honestly feeling rather upbeat about having gained some ground on this situation when S came in. He was all excited. He asked me if I recalled him showing me a thing online about a person who makes custom parts for cars. I did and I remember being really impressed by the craftsmanship - even if I am not a gear-head. So S informs me he is going to drive 18 hours to attend one of the guy's workshops. Hmmmm. Okay. I know the cost of these classes and they are well worth it, but how is this being financed?

And, the problem is, I knew in my heart of hearts that this had Xh written all over it and not in a good way. At least not in a manner that is genuine and he wants to spend time with S. This is the MLC brand of F/S trips and means that Xh needs something and S may benefit, but there are strings attached or some manipulation.

On one hand the opportunity for S is fantastic. On the other, I am really very upset on so many levels. I will bite my tongue and support S.

So what was explained was Xh found out that this gentleman bought a large piece of equipment from our region. (All legitimate - nothing funny with that part at all). Where it gets interesting is, Xh offered to drive the 18 hours and deliver it in exchange for the guy's workshop. I have no issue with that at all. The issue I have is how suddenly, it is mentioned to S because well said piece of equipment won't fit in Xh's car and weighs too much, so he needs a truck. Xh doesn't want to spend on a truck rental (not that he told S that). No, instead, Xh spun the whole story to S as how cool it would be if Xh and S take S's antique truck on a road trip and Xh has told S that he can take the workshop with Xh.

The problem I have is there are always some of these tentacles attached. There are conditions.

Prior to MLC, Xh and S traveled together all the time. They were true F/S road trips. The past few years, S has been on "road trips" with all sorts of promises only to be disappointed when he came home. Most of the time it is so Xh doesn't have to drive and sleeps the bulk of the drive.

I want this to be something other than manipulative, but my gut says no. I keep hoping I am wrong.

I won't lie, part of me is also incredibly angry right now. Xh is off on his trips and just gives responsibility the big old "FU". Parts of me wish I could just look the other way and not worry about paying for things like utilities and groceries. I would love to go on a trip right now - the vacations I had saved up for were killed by Covid and then having to dip into my savings to survive has really put a damper on any trips anywhere for any amount of time. But, then Xh has taken vacations for years by himself and I was left to deal with day to day things since MLC was on our doorstep. It has been years since I have actually had a true vacation, so at this point what does it matter? I have to find other ways to get away for my own sanity.

I am not going to let Xh get to me. It may not even happen. On the one hand, I am glad S is not going alone on this long drive. Of course, this is not supposed to happen until June, so we will see if it actually comes to fruition.

In the meantime, I decided to shift my focus as much as I can on my projects and to schedule time for myself. My painting group is meeting for the next few weeks still and I bought tickets for an outdoor garden tour coming up. I have chosen my time slot and hope the weather cooperates. This past weekend, I attended an artist's unveiling of a commission that is slated to be installed in June. It was nice to be outside and with a small gathering. We have all had our second dose of vaccine and the studio space is all doors and windows. The weather allowed for the whole space to be opened up and people were still mindful, but it was the first time anything felt really normal in terms of an event.

I am not sure how to plan too far out right now. In part due to what has gone on due to Covid and the ever changing rules, but I am a bit gun shy, TBH. I feel as if life has just been throwing me off kilter and every plan I had prior to Covid was completely derailed. Then the new set of problems. I am not fearful, but perhaps just cautious. IDK - I really hope some of my spontaneous side and more carefree attitude returns. It is not to avoid responsibility completely, but I don't feel like myself yet. Physically, I am getting there. It is my soul that feels like it needs a good dusting off.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#106: April 27, 2021, 01:05:30 AM
You? Behaving? Uhmmmmm .....



You KNOW that I am biting my tongue NOT to be a smart-a$$ and say something like ... <NO NO NO NO DON'T SAY IT! Don't want Dove to go all "country girl" on me >

An 18-hour road trip with xH sleeping... Yippee Skippy... sounds like just the dream trip that S was looking for, especially if it is S's truck, S's insurance, S's gas, etc. that will be used up.... And, will the truck survive the trip... 9 hours each way is not a jaunt around the block..... I expect that, if something goes pear-shaped that S will take the brunt of the blame too and get to hear the rant about how he "should have never bought that truck,, sold that truck, etc., et., et.," ad nauseum....
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#107: April 27, 2021, 07:52:38 AM

An 18-hour road trip with xH sleeping... Yippee Skippy... sounds like just the dream trip that S was looking for, especially if it is S's truck, S's insurance, S's gas, etc. that will be used up.... And, will the truck survive the trip... 9 hours each way is not a jaunt around the block..... I expect that, if something goes pear-shaped that S will take the brunt of the blame too and get to hear the rant about how he "should have never bought that truck,, sold that truck, etc., et., et.," ad nauseum....

Oh, UrsaMajor- I should have been more clear. LOL. It’s 18 hours one way for this trek. The whole romanticized notion XH has sold - the Hollywood film version of a father and son traveling hundreds of miles on a road trip in an antique truck that My eldest BIL gave S is a very beautiful image. Problem is that image has no reality mixed in. I too thought of the things you mentioned but also thought about the fact that this truck gets antique truck mileage. It’s going to cost a small fortune. But hey, what could possibly go wrong? The truck runs really well - now. But they aren’t taking a second d vehicle and finding parts for this 1970’s era collectible truck is not exactly easy.

I must admit, I am secretly hoping this idea of taking that truck disappears. It has disaster written all over it.

But not my circus. S will listen to me, but I know he also has to learn on his own. This may be a tough lesson. I just don’t see how there cant be problems that arise with that long trek.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#108: April 27, 2021, 08:41:45 AM
18 hours each way...... and guess who will be doing that driving... It will NOT be xH, that is for sure.....

That is going to be a painful lesson, one way or another...
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#109: April 28, 2021, 01:00:21 AM
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Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#110: April 28, 2021, 08:20:25 AM
UrsaMajor- Thank you :) I would ask you if a little birdie told you this info but that would make a joke way too easy. LOL

I decided to allow myself a full day of celebrating- which to me simply means it’s my day so I can do as I please. I went for a walk with my sister and she and I are meeting up after her appointment this morning to go have lunch. It was a last minute decision.

I rescheduled other appointments I had lined up that were my usual responsible adult things and pushed them off until tomorrow.

And tonight D and my parents planned a birthday dinner for me. S has classes tomorrow and won’t be home tonight.

I am content with my day. I don’t need a whole lot of being fussed over. I really am not demanding about these things. My sister said to day I am really not very demanding about too many things. My biggest demands I often place on myself in all honesty.

I am off to kill some time before I meet up with my sister again. I needed a day with some opportunities to just explore and do what I want. It could be I just sit by the canal and watch people. 🙄
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#111: April 28, 2021, 09:58:18 AM
UrsaMajor- Thank you :) I would ask you if a little birdie told you this info but that would make a joke way too easy. LOL

I have my sources.... ;)

I am off to kill some time before I meet up with my sister again. I needed a day with some opportunities to just explore and do what I want. It could be I just sit by the canal and watch people. 🙄

And NO reason for a "side-eye" or an eye roll there... It is YOUR day to do with what you want.... Enjoy!
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#112: April 28, 2021, 02:30:12 PM
Happy Birthday, Mourning. And I hope you got just the kind of self-centred day you wanted and needed  :)
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#113: April 29, 2021, 02:37:08 AM
UrsaMajor - Yes, I am that important that satellites are launched on my behalf.  ::)

Treasur - yes, I had a very "self-centered" day, or I guess, my version of that. It was not exactly a MLC level type of "me, me, me" day. I am not even sure I would know how to really accomplish that, as that is clearly very foreign to me. Even in my attempt to focus on myself, I did some things that if I were in MLC, I probably wouldn't have allowed - LOL. Like adapting my plans to include D on short notice.

I walked with my sister at our usual spot. We would consider other places, but this location seems to work out really well in that it is half-way between both of our houses and easy to get to. The routine of getting coffee and walking is pleasant and there is something to be said for being able to watch the different changes every week along the path. The trees blossoming and the various construction projects along the way that are coming together. It is also a very well maintained trail and we can get up a good pace, but still have days where we take it slower and we just catch up.

I am finding these walks with my sister are really good for both of us. We talk every day - checking in with one another, but the walks are where the phone rarely rings and we aren't fighting the background noises and disruptions of daily routines at home. We sometimes talk about deep philosophical things or about our families. Other times we just laugh the whole time and it is light, silly conversations, like when the fire alarm in the town went off again and I started singing because that siren always reminds me of Van Halen's "Flirting with the Devil". I am sure the people who passed us wondered if that had been Irish coffee we had been drinking, as they were clearly not in on the joke. 

My sister has so enjoyed our walks and says she now understands why I was walking so much before. She mentioned that she has been going on more herself, but recently her D went with her a couple of times and it has been so good for the 2 of them. My niece is at that tough 14 year old age and while my sister said she isn't always wanting to hear about 14 year old type conversations - like the play by play of "Grey's Anatomy" episode that my niece watched, it still offers time for them to bond and there have been some good conversations that have sprung from those walks. Talks that might not have ever happened.

And, she said that her H has begun going with her as well every weekend. It has been the best thing for their marriage. At home it is too hard to turn off the pace, but the walks have given them time to nurture their friendship again. Uninterrupted time where she said they are bonding more again. And, I am so happy for both of them, as they had hit a rough patch, but along the normal things that occur when you have kids in the mix. It is hard to balance the needs of the kids, the household, work and then somewhere figure out where the relationship is supposed to fit in the mix. As I told my sister, often times I think we complicate those ideas of balance, in that we overthink that balance and somehow think of it as not having enough time - or quantity, when in fact, it really is about quality of the time together. My sister said that those walks are not a huge chunk of time out of their life, but they are truly quality moments.

And maybe that is what my birthday was for me - the idea of allowing myself to have a day where it was not about trying to accomplish it all. The balance was a bigger picture, in that I have so much to get done now that I am up and back in "working order" physically, that I could easily fall into the overdrive mentality to make up ground. So, I forced myself to have no real plan and not care about a set schedule or responsibilities that could be pushed off.

After our walk, my sister had an appointment but asked if I wanted to go to lunch. The restaurant we wanted to go to was near the mall and I opted to go in the mall and walk around. It was very quiet there and it allowed me to get some more exercise in. I was actually hoping to run into a friend of mine who is opening a shop and has been working on the store front, but they weren't in yet. I did get to take a look at the set up and it made me happy to see what was coming together. I know this person well enough to know their work style that I can almost picture the final vision. I am excited for them.

I came around the corner and was accosted by a sales person outside of a skin care company. I know the drill. I knew what I was getting into and I played along.

The young man was going right by his "script" and I knew it ahead of time, which I didn't let on. I knew out the gate I was going to hear he was from Miami or some big city. I knew he would be all flirty and ask if I was married. He was going to be charismatic and charming. I full well knew that the product he was going to try and sell me was going to be full price some obscene amount of money and then the price he would give me today would be half of that. But, wait, when I said no to the half price amount he would pull out his phone and use the calculator to show me he would give me, because I am so lovely and funny, his employee price which was a sixth of the price. I knew he would give me all sorts of samples and I would leave with beautifully treated skin after he applied all of his samples. Yah, I didn't buy a thing. I usually avoid that place like the plague, but today was just sort of fun.

I have done it one time before where I had to wait for D and her friend when I took them to a very large mall. They wanted to shop for hours. I let a similar type of man play with my hair for 45 minutes in an attempt to sell me a curling iron, which I did not buy either.

My sister met up with me later for lunch, where D also met up with us, as her classes had just finished, and my sister had been at the salon having a facial. Right away, she asked me what I had done after going for a walk. I told her and she burst out laughing. I explained the whole scenario of how I knew exactly the sales pitch was going to go down. Among the lines that the young man used on me were that he is sure I didn't want to have fine lines going into my 40's. Now - who would want that? - LOL. I wanted to be a smart a$$ and tell him that yesterday some woman thought I was 38, so I am aging well without his $600 serum. And, he told me I had beautiful eyes and were  a very lovely color. Yes, I know, and my top brought out the color  ::)

It would be some time later when out of the blue my sister, not seeing the humor at first, stopped and asked me to lean closer. She had this look of shock at first and asked me if I had color contacts in. Because I was wearing an olive colored top, my eyes looked more green than she is used to. My sister's eyes have always been more brown than mine. This set off the conversation about my earlier encounter with the salesman again and we got very silly. D immediately said "oh no, here comes the uncontrollable laughter where one of you is in tears". She wasn't wrong.

D and I had a nice dinner with my parents and then after D left to go to her BF's, I decided to take a nice long drive. It was the perfect way to end the day. No pressure and no real schedule.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#114: April 29, 2021, 03:35:29 AM
Sounds like a very nice kind of birthday Day Off to me! No Ferris Bueller imitations so that is good too :D

Glad you enjoyed the day off!
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#115: April 29, 2021, 04:05:28 AM
Sounds like a very nice kind of birthday Day Off to me! No Ferris Bueller imitations so that is good too :D

Glad you enjoyed the day off!

Well none that I will admit to  ;)
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#116: April 29, 2021, 04:15:07 AM
Sounds like a very nice kind of birthday Day Off to me! No Ferris Bueller imitations so that is good too :D

Glad you enjoyed the day off!

Well none that I will admit to  ;)

No evidence = Never happened....

What happens in Vegas, STAYS in Vegas!
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Me - 58, xW - 50
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Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#117: May 02, 2021, 03:32:59 PM
Sounds like a very nice kind of birthday Day Off to me! No Ferris Bueller imitations so that is good too :D

Glad you enjoyed the day off!

Well none that I will admit to  ;)

No evidence = Never happened....

What happens in Vegas, STAYS in Vegas!

UrsaMajor - LOL. Sure, something like that.  ::)

I am afraid if anyone would be searching for some type of evidence along those lines they would be rather disappointed. My life and level of misbehaving is not exactly something that requires a Vegas-level secret. Although, if I went by some of the rumors Xh and OW used to spread one might believe that - LOL.

Thursday, I was exhausted and not from some party that went on all night long. I found myself falling asleep around 10 pm only to find myself wide awake at 2:30 am. I am not sure what woke me up. I am sure I know what kept me up, as my mind was racing by then and I couldn't turn my thoughts off. So, at some point I quit trying to get back to sleep and just functioned all day on that little bit of energy I did have. By late afternoon, I could tell I was clearly tired. It would be Friday night when I realized how really funny what happened next was, when I relayed the story to my friend at dinner.

Friday, I was asked to teach for the gallery owner, who had an emergency. I found myself really enjoying the experience and realize how much I miss being in a classroom setting. It inspires me to want to do my own work, as the students are so enthusiastic and often when I teach I too learn things. It was a very busy afternoon and I had a call after my classes finished. It was from my friend from high school. Her H was going to be out of town and her S didn't have to work, so she didn't have to play chauffeur. It was decided we would meet up for dinner and have a night out at a local restaurant that even before Covid allows for easy social distancing. And because most people go there for the outside dining we knew the cold weather that had rolled in would mean it would be pretty quiet there. It was. We were probably two of only 10 people in the whole place. It is a place that has multiple indoor rooms, so it is easy to just spread out. We had a whole room to ourselves.

She asked me how things were going. We chatted a bit and she likes to kid me about my new single status. I can take it from her since I know she knows all too well how devastating all of this had been for me. She had known Xh for nearly the entire time we were together, so she too witnessed the changes in him. She and her H are happily married and well suited. He had plenty of FOO issues, but he deals with them head on. He has always impressed me how he refuses to let his past define his life and even when life has kicked them, they pull together and just work as a team. It is really nice to see those relationships do in fact still exist.

So, when I told her what happened Thursday afternoon, I thought she was going to fall off the chair laughing. If nothing else some of the things that have happened to me post divorce are good for a laugh. She has teased me about "Mr Smoochie" and the whole age threshold. Her initial reaction to all of what occurred was "wtf is happening in the universe right now"?

Thursday afternoon, in my sleep-deprived state, I opened up Facebook to see I had a friend request. I recognized the name, but could not exactly place who it was. I knew they had gone to the same high school and we had some of the same mutual friends. When I mentioned who it was to my friend, she right away thought a minute and said "um, wasn't that the guy…" and I finished saying that it was our version of Jeff Spicoli and crew from "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" - yes, they often rolled out of their car and smoke billowed out. Yup, probably stoned most of their high school days.

I knew of him from the hallways and I am pretty sure he hung out with the crew my BF at the time started to hang out with from time to time. He never behaved that way around me, but when the partying started to take over, I had enough and it was a good thing I walked away, as that habit hijacked his life way into his late 30's and destroyed him in the end.

So, when I started to put together the name, I realized that I knew his B and nephew quite well. His nephew had taken classes from me at the college. Really good kid. And his B was a coach - clean cut and friendly. But, it still was not enough for me to say accept the FaceBook request. I am pretty cautious.

It was the PM I got that threw me for a loop and I was clearly way too tired to see what was coming. Now, I am pretty sure my profile pic came up in the Facebook "you might know…" thing because we have mutual friends. Otherwise, there is not much one can see about me. And because this was not like the last odd Facebook thing, I wasn't freaked out.

The PM, I would have ignored, except he wrote me note saying he said he couldn't place me but I looked familiar and did we know each other. He went on to ask if I was the girl he was not nice to years ago and he would like to make amends if so.

Now, knowing his past persona a bit, this sounded like maybe he was in a 12 step program, and I am all for people wanting to turn over a new leaf and make amends somehow. I was not the woman who he wasn't kind to, but I felt it might be nice of me to assure I wasn't that person. Yah, I know - my friend started laughing right there. Duh.

But, no, I was so completely sleep deprived, I fell right into the conversation, although careful not to reveal too much. When asked certain questions, the answers were none that he couldn't find in any year book, etc. He asked if I was married, and I thought maybe he knew my Xh from somewhere. I said no, and then it was like part of me woke up and said "warning, warning". And, then that is when I said quickly I wasn't single.  ::)

Before hitting send on that reply he beat me to the punch and said he would like to get to know me better. The "not single" reply came through by then and he said he hoped my BF treats me well and if I ever wanted to talk to reach out.

Nope, I am good. Nope, did not accept the friend request. And, there is a reason why. I did a little digging while I was online answering him. His profile is open for the whole world to see. Clearly stuck in the 80's and I mean stuck. I am sure he is nice enough and I give him big props for being so bold, but um, no.

My friend looked at the profile while we were sitting there. She started laughing and she said it felt mean, but no, she did not see me dating someone like that.

What was probably funniest wasn't about the guy at all. It was my inability at that moment to even grasp what was going on. I told her this is why I am not cut out for online dating type of things. She went on to say to me that she knows I function differently. I am and always have been a connection person. She knows I had plenty of "dates" or guys who would ask me out, but I needed that initial spark or something. And it is not a specific thing I can explain, because it is not based on looks necessarily initially. It probably more than anything is about character and a certain sense of humor.

This lead to a whole conversation about what any potential relationship would even look like long term for me. I told her I no longer think that far out, that is I am more invested in the idea of how things unfold and we will go from there. Getting remarried - IDK? Living with someone? No clue. I explained to her that I might have my wants and wishes, but I am realistic about the fact that at this point in life I am dealing with people who have other factors in their lives as well. It is not like when I met Xh and we had families, but we didn't have kids and x-spouses, etc.

It's funny, she brought up how much freedom Xh had and how it never bothered me all that much. It was not my need for independence or anything like that. We both were, at least prior to MLC comfortable with the fact that we loved each other and spent a great deal of time together, but we were okay if the other wanted to go somewhere. I didn't, nor did Xh have a need to always been by each other's side. We trusted each other and we would always share our adventures, telling each other about our day, etc. We wanted each other to have our own space. And, I am still that way, but what does that now look like? Again, IDK.

I think more and more, as I think about it I am interested in the quality of time with someone. Yes, quantity is great and would I be opposed to that idea of living with someone again - no. It might take some adjusting, as I have essentially been alone now, but I have never been possessive of what is now "my house". If I were, I would be shooing S out of the garage and claiming it so that I can park my car inside in the winter. But, I am okay with it being his work space. I am okay with D wanting to rearrange the kitchen because of all of the baking that she is doing. Doesn't really upset me. Do I give my input - and sometimes in the case of the kids, I put my foot down on certain things, but I also look at it as a place that has to work for all of us.

Of course, this was just hypothetical, in spite of my impromptu "not single" status on Thursday. I suppose I could say in some ways, no I am not single. I come with 2 very protective velociraptors who have made it very clear they will use their powers to weed out the unworthy candidates.

This guy - they would have been merciless with not only him, had I actually pursued it and I would never have lived it down. Of course, I also shared it with both kids, who promptly looked him up. They have now been walking around teasing me quoting Jeff Spicoli and telling me this is what I am missing out on. Yah, I am good. Better if we leave that character on film.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#118: May 03, 2021, 03:29:56 AM
Here you go! Your future awaits! <LOL>


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« Last Edit: May 03, 2021, 03:32:11 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#119: May 03, 2021, 09:42:43 AM
UrsaMajor - thanks for the visual reminder.  ;D

My morning was about making lots of phone calls. I finally have a date for the septic to be diagnosed. I am not thrilled that it is 2 weeks out just to get someone here to do that, but I have accepted the reality. And, I know from others that with the pandemic, everything has been on a delay anyways. From what I have heard, I am lucky to have found someone who can fit me in their schedule as it is. So, I will just limp along and focus on what I can control. I don't have much of a choice.

S had left the house early for an interview for an internship. It was something that was hanging over his head, as no one was responding and he was discouraged. He had been very professional about his correspondence and had done all he could do on his end. Our neighbor had come in with an offer for an internship where he works, but S really had his heart set on another. I reminded him that worst case scenario he could go work with the neighbor and not to stress over the whole process and to just focus on what he had control of right now. Friday, he received a call from the other company and the owner had been out of town. S came home this morning and was beaming. They offered him an internship and will pay him. They are excited to take on an intern who is so versed. I am happy for S.

S and his friend had gone out of state to help his former roommate move here. I didn't hear from S all weekend. D was showing me where he was, as she and he have their phones on to track one another. I laughed at the avatar for S and his friend. Yup, gotta say, it looks like both of them. My M drove me crazy though, wondering if I knew where S was. I said he is usually good about calling me, etc, but I also knew they were on a tight schedule because they needed to go to the former roommate's place of work to load up his professional toolbox and that alone was going to take some time. I wasn't going to hound S.

It is probably good I didn't know the whole story until he got home. S and his friend had the scare of a lifetime when they missed an off ramp in a large city and ended up where they did. I know that city and S said that they could barely fit down the roadways with the large truck and trailer on back. S said they went down streets where cars windows were smashed out and they witnessed several drug deals and arrests going on. He showed me a picture and said you know it's bad when the local ice cream truck has reinforced steel on the windows. He told me he was actually scared, which says a lot. S is not squeamish about things and is cautious. He said it was like a scene out of an apocalyptic movie. Yah, I am glad I didn't know at the time. Probably wise of him not to share too much. And he was smart enough not to pull out his phone and take photos of where they were. He said he figured it was best to focus on getting out of there.

S did tell my parents, but my M only heard part of it, thankfully. My F just laughed and said that must have been pretty eye opening. S said it makes him appreciate what he has where we are on so many levels. S is sensitive and can see that it is probably not by choice some people are thrown into those types of living situations.

S left for school and it was only a short time after he left that he called me. My first thought was now what? The last time he called I had to meet him part way to give him his apartment keys. It is not like him to forget something and if he calls while he is on the road, it usually is a true emergency. But, no - he wanted to share with me something he had done and said he wanted to thank me for always telling he and D how important it was to thank people.

My M, she has been the queen of showing gratitude. She and I have our differences, but she is sincere and I will never fault her for that. And, I will thank her for always pounding that into my sister's and my heads. We both still send thank you cards to people and make efforts to acknowledge little things because we genuinely appreciate things, not out of some guilt trip.

My M has always had a reputation in town for being the lady who brought lemonade out to the road crew on a hot summer day. She felt bad for them in the heat and she would always invite them to sit in the front lawn under the shade trees at lunch time. She didn't sit out there with them or anything like that. My F used to laugh because her kindness always would come back to her later when the town maintenance people were always good to my parents. And my M still will call and acknowledge their hard work. But, she will also call and complain if need be. She is never mean, but they listen to her, because it is rare that a complaint comes through.

The kids have at times grumbled about being in a small town. It has pitfalls. But out here where we live, it is a little different in that we don't have the same village gossip and our neighbors look out for one another, but we leave each other alone too.

The call S made to me this morning was to tell me he stopped to thank the town crew, who it seems had come back to my parent's house for the 3rd time. There was a large tree that needed to come down and one afternoon when they were doing road work, my M asked the crew chief if he knew of a reputable company to take the tree down. She was being honest as it was so close to the road she didn't want my F or S taking it down. They quickly said it would be no problem for them to take it down as it is legally in the right of way. So, they came and took the tree down. It would be the next week they came and ground the stump out, which had us all laughing. Today, they were there yet again and had stopped because they saw my M raking up the mulch. Nope, they cleaned it out and are now returning with topsoil and grass seed. S told them on his way that he really appreciated what they were doing and it meant a great deal to him that they look out for the community.

S felt really good about all of this. He said he felt it was the right thing to do, to acknowledge they were going above and beyond the job description, especially since we are out in the country. It was then he said he really understands why I often tell them to appreciate what we do have and not be so hung up on what we don't.

In all honestly, maybe I too needed that reminder today.  :)
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#120: May 04, 2021, 02:00:02 AM
Gratitude, in all forms, is usually a positive thing for all concerned - those feeling it, those expressing it, and those on the receiving end of the expression.

Your parents are proof that good karma DOES come around....
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Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#121: May 04, 2021, 05:54:05 PM
UrsaMajor - sometimes I think we all like to hear positive things. It is different than needing constant validation and cheering on, but those small acknowledgments sometimes make such a difference.

It would seem it made a big difference in that road crew's day. My M asked me about it this afternoon. She was outside when S stopped by, but she had no idea what had transpired. The supervisor told my M later that he was so impressed that someone my S's age would say such nice things to them. And, little did S know that the crew has been really having a rough time of it these past months. People are short on patience with the pandemic and the supervisor said he has had several people quit because the complaints have not been the usual run of the mill complaints. People have been really edgy and quite merciless. He said they have had very little positive experiences as of late and so for a younger adult even notice was huge. To stop as he was on his way back to college and to make the effort to thank them for taking care of his grandparents really was touching to all of them. I called S later and told him that his little bit of effort seems to have really made a difference and sometimes it is nice to know that your own efforts did make someone's day.

Of course, my M, being my M is baking a huge batch of cookies for when they return in a few days to finish the job. But, she would have done that no matter what. And, like it or not, it has worked in her favor over the years. Toxic aunt gets so annoyed because she has tried the same thing, but hasn't figured out that it is not the cookies, it is that my M is sincere and not trying to somehow bribe anyone. My aunt will never understand true gratitude and how to be a positive person.  ::)

Last night, I went to my painting group and something happened that I didn't see coming. I was running a little late as it started to pour on my way out to the car, so I had to rethink how I was carrying things back and forth. I arrived and had 2 hours instead of the normal 2 1/2 for painting and then we always do a critique afterwards for half an hour. That cut into the time makes a significant difference.

My years of working with clients and training have sometimes benefited me and other times, I have had to fight the long term effects when doing my own work. Client work was often controlled by factors that dictated certain outcomes. It could be size, or the overall feel, etc. And, most of my early work was very realistic and back when I was in school that type of illustration style was photo realistic. Over the years, I not only learned different styles and found my own voice, but I was able to fill many different requests in terms of techniques. My own work benefited in terms of being able to use my knowledge from my commercial work, but I have struggled some with just letting go and just being true to myself.

I am not sure how it happened. It may be that I knew I was later than I had wanted to be. I do know I have been running through a lot of emotions the past few months. The pain is now really gone after the surgery and from time to time I may ache a little here and there because in essence many of my muscles weren't used for months while I was in pain. I am now feeling more like when you have begun a new workout and you are keenly aware of you have used those muscles. I am still fighting some fatigue, but that too is subsiding more and more. I am feeling more like myself. But there are other emotions that have been combined in the mix with the healing.

I walked into that room and had no idea what I wanted to even paint. The painting of George the cat was not what I wanted to work on in that moment. I always carry printouts of photos when I don't have the option of painting outside from life. I didn't want to set up a still life. That I knew. I had a couple of paintings that needed final touches, but my energy level was very odd. Somehow, I knew going back into those paintings meant I needed to be in the right mindset.

It is funny. With client work, you have to put yourself back in the proper mindset with a deadline. But, most people would not understand that if you aren't in tune with where your head was at during that creative time and you have to go back and do work on it, just the energy of things like brush strokes can alter a piece and not always in a good way. I knew better than to attempt either of the two paintings that just needed final touches. My temperament during those pieces were not anywhere like last night. Last night, I had this energy brewing that I was not going to be able to just lasso and calm.

It was not some adversarial temper tantrum. It was a passion needing to be unleashed. I went over and decided on a large canvas - and found an image my sister had given to me. She had asked me to paint the scene for her family room as a birthday gift. I have never been to this place in the photograph, or at least at this location. I don't typically like to paint pictures for myself if I have no connection to them. Again, different from client work. But, IDK what made me want to use this as a jumping off point.

The larger canvas, most people I know would take easily 8 hours to even begin to cover. I set up and must have completely been in a zone of some sort. And, I attacked the painting in a very unplanned manner.

For anyone who has ever worked with oil paints, they will tell you that working with wet paint back into wet paint is not an easy task. They could probably also tell you that when you use colors opposite on the color wheel they can easily translate to mud when they are wet. My first shock to the group was I had this very serene image that had purples and blues in the photograph. Most of my friends like to draw their images out on paper and then translate it on the canvas by penciling at least some of it it. Yah, I went rogue and laid it in with a very large brush, using screaming orange and yellow underpainting. I hadn't paid attention to the time, but the entire group stopped and could not believe I had just covered the entire canvas in 15 minutes.

My problems started when I was impatient and didn't let the underpainting dry even a tad. I went in with the opposite colors and it started to get away from me. But somehow, I persuaded myself to just use what I know to adapt and go into it with a complete "I don't really care how this turns out" attitude. I wasn't worried about the final piece. I just had to get rid of the energy that has been pent up.

When I was a kid, I used to look through my F's huge collection of art books. I remembered some of my favorite paintings that stuck with me were by J. W. Turner. Years later, when I went to England, I stood in the Tate just mesmerized by the vibrant oranges and blues used in some of the images of storms by Turner. There was such an energy to the work and yet, I had never been able to somehow replicate that, nor had I ever attempted to. And, I really don't know why.

Last night, IDK what happened. It certainly wasn't some conscious plan. I do know that during the process, I found myself just feeing something I haven't in so long. It is hard to describe beyond passion. I didn't really even look at it to assess the painting along the way, at least not in a mindful way. I worked for the solid 2 hours, stepping back, but I had drowned out the conversations that were being had. When I put the piece on the easel for critique, I was shocked. My friends could not believe what they saw, nor could I. My one friend said it was unbelievable that I had gotten so much accomplished and  it was really gutsy. I made my own evaluations and knew what had to adjust. A couple of suggestions were made and they were right on, but the overall reaction was one of stunned. Probably the one most shocked was me. I have no idea how this came about.

I drove home and felt really good about it, but I found myself trying to unravel what had gone on. And, to some degree, I thought about Xh. Not in a longing sense or anything like that. I recalled he once said to me that my passion for life sometimes could scare him. I am not reckless and I keep things in check, but he was always right. I feel very deeply about things that are important to me. It is not a possessive love or smothering, but if I go in, I am all in. And, that used to be how I would get lost in my own work. Client work sort of killed that passion.

By the time I came home, I had wrestled through some of the shock and realized how much I have missed that spark. Life has pounded so much out of me with the MLC and then recent events. The problem is, I have felt moments of myself being more and more true to who I am. The battle to figure out who I was after MLC was often not even with Xh. There were things I needed to change about myself or wanted to as those aspects didn't fit who I was becoming. MLC just threw such a monkey wrench in it all.

Thing is, I have felt some feelings rolling in deeply over the months. I have held back at times because I know they still scare me a little. I don't always know if I trust myself to just let go completely. And, I think in the back of my head that Xh's words that my passion sometimes scared him creep in. I know now, that what he meant back then was he probably never dared to love me the same way I could love him. He had been plagued by abandonment issues I didn't comprehend, as much as I was aware of them. He hid his pain so well over the years prior to MLC.

What I am so aware of and why I hold back at times is I realize that my ability to somehow love deeply or express my passion in ways like even painting are perhaps for some, overwhelming. And, I have been known to attack projects with the same zeal. Of course, what then throws people is I also can be incredibly lazy and relaxed, having times when motivation escapes me. I have to sleep sometime and I do like my back deck and staring at the stars.

It probably explains why tonight I found myself exhausted early in the evening.

I have no clue what any of this means in terms of how I move forward. I think it is just the shock of having that strong feeling last night. It was like a switch went off and maybe it was just allowing myself to completely let go of everything for even just a night. IDK.
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#122: May 05, 2021, 03:33:32 AM
It was like a switch went off and maybe it was just allowing myself to completely let go of everything for even just a night. IDK.

You KNOW how much I like to "Cherry Pick" people's words out of their posts so ....

This seems to me to be the true essence of "healing."  When we are able to get past the "programming" we have had forced on us and then also enforced on ourselves (re: The Four Agreements), we can be who we truly are without shame or guilt... It is then that miracles can occur....
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#123: May 05, 2021, 03:28:42 PM
I just want to say, dang, I GET this. The creative juice that bubbles up from inside you, making your hands fly and your brain go into overdrive. You see something no one else can see, want to put it into some creative piece, like seeing the sculpture within the marble, or the parts that need to be removed to make the sculpture surface.  Mine is Stained Glass. The glass has depth, how it's cut, where it fits into what I make (especially when I go 3d with a flat medium like rolled glass), the details in the assembly and the solder and the extra bits that get added....I leave a piece of my soul in every piece I make.

After BD, my creativity went dead. Along with not being able to concentrate long enough to read a book, creating something? That was not happening. In the past few years, there have been small fits and starts, but my mind would not expand like it used to. I got an itch about 3 years out and built the Tiki corner with the tree and lights and tikis in the Family room corner. Then D came to live with me and she started asking questions about this, that and the other thing. She wanted to open her own Etsy shop and use one of my old earring designs and I said sure. I could feel the stirrings of my creativity, remember the joy in using non standard things to create something new and marveling at my own ingenuity and resourcefulness. It's MAGIC! Even silly little things like making faerie lights out of glass Litehouse Salad dressing jars, aurora borealis tinsel and mason jar lid solar lights is a joy again.

But I digress, per the usual. I GET this! Congratulations on your painting! I bet that felt really good!
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#124: May 08, 2021, 12:36:14 PM
UrsaMajor & OffRoad - Part of what I felt I am sure is true healing and the return of that true creative spark, but it was more than that. It was a feeling I can't even quite describe.

No matter what, the feeling is helping me push forward.

I had a few hiccups midweek with things that took up some time and energy I could have spent on more productive projects.

I had heard from the one contracting company that had been hired by my insurance company back in April that they had yet to be paid, which was odd. I had contacted my claims person and left a message, figuring it would have been dealt with. On Wednesday afternoon, I came home after a nearly 6 mile walk with my sister to find an email, this one made out to a group, which included myself and the insurance company. The gist of it was that if payment wasn't received by mid-May they would be prompted to put a lien on my property. I was not upset with the contractors, as they had done the work and need to pay their employees. I was upset with my insurance company and wondered WTF was going on.

I made several calls and left messages with the corporate office and to my claims adjuster and when I didn't hear back within a couple of hours, I decided to call my local office. The new owner of the local branch is young and very enthusiastic. He assured me he was going to resolve this for me and had noticed I carry several policies with them and have for years. He called me an hour after we had spoken and had an answer for me and assured me a check would go out. He was able to get answers quicker than I was and followed up on Friday to let me know a check had gone out to the company.

It was mildly irritating to say the least, but I didn't let it take over my thoughts. I was prepared to call my attorney if this dragged on and cancel all of my policies with this company if a lien had been issued.

The big discussion has been about Mother's Day tomorrow. If I say it to too many people they think I am horrible, but I really am not a fan of that holiday. I loved when my kids were little and would fuss over me, because they loved the holiday, but I really don't like some of these holidays.

It isn't that I don't like holidays at all or getting together with family, etc. I just find them to sometimes be these big productions that cause more stress. That is, because it is Mother's Day everyone feels the need to try make a big event out of it. I find it aggravating. In some ways, I would like to do what my friend did years ago. She had her kids and H make a fuss if they wanted first thing in the morning and then it was agreed for the rest of the day, she was off the clock completely. Unless there was some dire emergency, it was her day. Her H gladly took the kids for the day and she went and enjoyed time not being a M for a few hours. She explained it to me that she is M all the time. And, she is a M that was so involved with the kids. She hosted play dates. Would make costumes for the plays they were in. And she loved every minute, but she said she preferred when they acknowledged her on other days that were not this forced holiday.

Another friend of mine is having a horrible time of it because neither of her kids can make the day work to celebrate. It is not their fault as they are young adults and have obligations that they have to meet. Funny thing is, she sees them daily.

I had made plans to go to a garden tour. I wasn't concerned if anyone could go with me or not. My plan was to go alone if no one wanted to go or could go. I really didn't want to ask my M and F because the last time they went it proved to be too much for them. S was not interested, but would have gone had I begged him. D was lukewarm on the idea. My M, all worried tried to suggest several different friends to go along.

What happened is just as I predicted. My M, wanted to try and arrange a picnic or something. It became a big stressful thing. My BIL wanted to see his M and wanted to celebrate with my sister and kids. My nephew had a basketball tournament and that was part of the weekend. My niece had sports and her tutoring session. S was free, but D was going to a family event with her BF. To me it just seemed like everyone was trying to make plans on this one day and I didn't understand why we couldn't pick another day. This attempt to make everyone happy was actually making everyone miserable.

And, maybe it is because I get more out of something when say my kids come to me and just give me a hug or bring me flowers for no reason. They express their appreciation for me on days where no one is telling them they are supposed to.

That said, I also know my M likes these holidays. They are an excuse for her to have a picnic or time together. I am not that selfish that it has to be about me. But, I also knew my M was starting to twist herself up in knots all worried about if she needed to have a meal, etc. I called my sister and explained that M needs us to be there for at least a couple of hours and could that happen?

I explained to my M that I didn't want to just take anyone to this garden tour. I told her that the garden a place that I really enjoy and I don't need someone tagging along who wouldn't truly enjoy it. It is a place to me that is very special.

I was ready to give up my garden tour in complete exasperation to try and make everyone happy and then decided that I needed this and it is okay to take time. I came back with I was going to be gone and would be back by mid-afternoon. I told everyone I had 4 tickets and if people were interested they could come along, but I was going no matter what. D was on the fence and then my sister decided she too wanted to go and worked out a schedule with her H. My niece decided she too would really like to come along and now D will join us. And that will work out well. We told my M not to plan any big event but we would show up and we can have a cup of tea and we would bring dessert, so no big fuss. My M seems relieved and liked this idea. S is able to take a break from things. And, my nephew shocked my sister and BIL. He often wants to just go home and relax after his games, but he was quick to say he had not seen my parents in weeks and he really wanted to go to their house. So, my M got her wish and will have the whole family there after all. My sister laughed and said she was glad I sort of fought back and asked if we could not make this so stressful.

And maybe that is it - I don't respond well to stress, especially when there was no need for it. I mentioned to my sister that I really think spending more time with my M just on a regular basis would mean more than what has been going on. It came out of the conversation of how much my sister and I now look forward to our weekly walks and the quality time we have. It doesn't take much to do and we get so much out of it.

I know - some people love holidays. I have ones I like, but most I am beginning to find are often drama filled. Maybe it is in part that MLC really made every holiday a nightmare. IDK. It could be that I just don't enjoy them the same way. It is not that I dread them, it is more that I am not so hung up on them. I do miss decorating for some holidays, but other ones - meh. I know - I am a party-pooper - LOL.  ::)
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« Last Edit: May 08, 2021, 12:48:51 PM by MourningDove »

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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#125: May 11, 2021, 12:11:16 PM
I read UrsaMajor's Full Moon Alert thread and saw the New Moon post this morning. I don't doubt there are affects these things have on our systems on some level. When I was in college I worked in retail setting and we could always tell when there was a full moon. LOL. While I find these things interesting, I don't get up every day and read my horoscope and plan my life accordingly. I find it more fun to read them at night and see if they made any sense at all. Some can be so vague it is easy to just laugh and say it could fit different scenarios.

This morning, I laughed, because holy smokes - this is exactly how feel. I have been all over the place the past few days. This weekend, I found myself tripping over my own words and thoughts. I suffered several miscommunications that just blew up in my face. I am oversensitive myself, and I am aware of it. Yup - those emotions are making me feel just a little off. LOL.

I am sure in part it is all that has gone on. My hairdresser laughed at me yesterday when I showed up at her door. I walked in and she told me she had me down for this morning - the 11th. I laughed the minute I walked in because even before she said anything, I realized that it was the 10th. I guess I should be grateful I was a day off in the right direction and hadn't missed my appointment, as I so desperately wanted to get my hair trimmed. It was a bit of a mental thing, TBH - feeling like if I cut my hair off it would give me a fresh start. Obviously, I know that is not true, but I was desperate to just have a reset of any type. And, I didn't go all "post BD" crazy type of haircut, etc.

These feelings have been just bubbling up all week and it wasn't like some extremes, because I was in a good mood for most of the week. I think the whole insurance thing just got under my skin and made some things resurface. I am a bit tired of the ongoing saga of the unresolved issues that I didn't actually create in the first place. I was trying hard not to want to blame the MLCer for this fiasco. And, in truth, while he may have put the screws through the heat pipe in the first place that set off the bathroom destruction and he didn't listen to me about the septic lines years ago, it is not his problem. It is my problem and as a homeowner these things happen. Blaming him doesn't solve it and wastes my own energy.

I went to my painting group last night and knocked off the rest of the painting. I have a couple of areas I want to resolve - well, I should say that I know that I need to fix one area and I have to walk away from it, because I am my worst critic. I could paint over it a thousand times and tweak areas if I allowed. I listened to my cohorts and the only criticism they had was to adjust one tiny area that was bothersome. And they are kind in how they share the criticisms, as we are all respectful, but we are all blunt when it comes to not blowing smoke up anyone's backside. We are there to encourage and help one another. I was happy with the painting overall and feel good about wanting to produce more.

When I came home, I was met by the dog. She had been fine the past couple of days. She has failed some. She sleeps more, but is very puppy like. Just before I had left, she was running around bringing me toys. I was gone 3 hours and when I came through the door, she was gasping for air and clearly stressed out. She wouldn't calm down. All I could think of is she was like someone drowning, trying to reach for someone else. She wanted me nearby. For 2 hours, I sat with her trying to soothe her. I gave her medicine that she gets for her arthritis because that at least makes her drowsy. I knew the vet would not be open until the morning and the emergency vet is over an hour away. While she loves car rides, it would  not have been relaxing for her at all in her state.

The dog has her own room. It was originally going to be a mudroom entrance through the garage, but that changed when we got the dog. It has a half door on it and is spacious. The dog has always loved the little space. When Xh moved out, she got so she knew my routine. She would stay by my side, but if I got up to brush my teeth, she would put herself in her room and wait for me to close the door behind her. I would sometimes leave it open, but as this breathing issue and her arthritis got worse, I knew it was best if I closed the door, as she would attempt going up the stairs at night.

She seemed to calm down, but her breathing was labored and her face looked drawn. She was not herself. I did not sleep well last night, as I was certain I would wake up and find the dog had died during the night. But this morning she was waiting for me to feed her and let her out. She looked better, but she has been my shadow all day.

I know what has to be decided. I won't let her suffer and the kids don't want that either, as we have had the discussion. But, I prayed last night that the dog might be able to at least hold on until Thursday night, when S comes home for the semester. It was his dog to begin with, as it was a birthday gift. And it was he and Xh who found this dog, or at least the litter of puppies and had gone together before coming home and then S said whatever puppy came to D was the dog for them. I know though that this started with Xh and S and it has been an important thing to S.

Not too long ago S had asked me if it was okay if Xh came to say goodbye to the dog if we got to a point where she needed to be put down. I told him I never kept Xh from coming to see the kids or the dog. S said he wanted to make sure that Xh was at least made aware of any plans to have the dog put to sleep.

I don't know what the right thing to do was in this case. I was truly conflicted this morning. There is the fact that D isn't visited by Xh at all, but he wants to see the dog. And S knows it is painful for D. I was concerned that this was going to upset D. So, clearly a fear there.

I had made a promise to S, and I do know for him it is an important loop in the process. I had to remind myself that the whole process of getting this dog happened pre MLC and it is a memory of what life was before. That is a hard thing to deny the kid.

And, yes, S could have alerted Xh, but S in is in the midst of finals. He has 2 days left of school and I had already made up my mind that if the dog died during the night, I wouldn't tell him until he got home. There would be nothing that he could do if that were the case. And, I don't like keeping things from him, but I also know it would be upsetting no matter what. UGH

So, I wrestled with what to do. I don't know what the right answer was and was a bit annoyed with myself for even entertaining this, but I sent Xh a text. I explained that the dog is not doing well and just wanted to let him know that I am hoping to be able to wait until S is home before making the decision.

It was a brief text. I did get a response many hours later. I had already figured that Xh will find a way to avoid dealing with this and probably won't show up. I had prepared myself in case he did. But, somehow my first thought seems to be a better bet. The response I got was almost maddening. It was a simple "OK".

Really - OK? I don't want to have a conversation with Xh - believe me. I really have no desire to introduce him back into my life. I don't need his input or help. But this is all he had as a response? How about saying something other than OK. I don't even know what I wanted to hear. I think I am so oversensitive right now that I need to step back and not be somehow shocked by this. I know I didn't expect him to somehow be the person that was there when the dog came into our lives, that isn't it. But, part of me is just so upset by the fact that he couldn't say more than OK. But, then I shouldn't be upset or shocked at all. OK is better than monster.

The reason I struggled with what to do is because it is a no win situation. No matter what I did would potentially set off some landmine. If I didn't say anything the MLCer will gladly twist it and manipulate S more and more. D will be upset no matter what. So, I decided that if I at least tell Xh, he can try to twist it, but I have proof I contacted him and let him know and have the response - OK.

And, nowhere did I ask Xh to help pay for the process. I suspect he assumes that is my motive - LOL. That is actually amusing since I haven't asked him for anything in years.

None of this $h!te is easy. I am worn out today. But, hey, my hair looks really fantastic and I have my days straight now. LOL
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« Last Edit: May 11, 2021, 12:13:53 PM by MourningDove »

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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#126: May 11, 2021, 02:43:49 PM
Your dear dog was a good friend to you in your darkest days. I am sorry for you all that it might be time to say goodbye.

Your post reminded me of my stbxh’s response in early 2018 when my dear boy - my h’s previously much-loved cat - reached the end of his life. Louis was diabetic and 17....I knew instinctively that his time was short and, bc my h had adored him, I sent an email much as you did inviting him to see Louis if he wanted. (And like you, by then I had no desire to contact or see my stbxh). No reply. And when, a couple of months later, it was time....it was me alone who held him as he died. I sent an email after he died to my then xh. His response? That he ‘knew that Louis was safe with me and i’d always do the right thing’. I didn't reply; I was briefly very angry actually...bc I had no choice when he had abandoned his cat just as much as me and everyone else. Louis really was such a very fine boy and he deserved better from this human who had been his favourite human since he was just a few weeks old.

We do these things bc we appreciate them, bc we love them we do the hard things that honour these creatures who are part of our family. That is a good thing, a blessing. I think we hope sometimes that these MLCers have some shred of humanity in them....perhaps we forget that it wasn’t about us I suppose but something bigger....and then we are reminded that it seems they don’t. Or not enough to do the hard things of love and gratitude. So, i’m not at all surprised that ‘ok’ was the best he could do....and tbh it is probably best for all of you if he stays away at a time of honest love and farewell. You and your kids don’t need his self-centred drama, do you?
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#127: May 11, 2021, 05:38:39 PM
Treasur - my dog has sometimes driven me absolutely crazy, as up until now she has never really mellowed out. She was a high energy chocolate lab and people laugh as she is just now getting a little bit of gray around her snout. She doesn't look like an older lab at all and often I have had people guess she was about 3 instead of 13. But, as you point out, she has really been here for some of my darkest moments.

Before I came on to HS, she had torn a ligament. They gave me the option of her having surgery or walking her slowly 3-4 times a day like PT. At the time, the vet quoted the cost and Xh was draining the accounts and would have insisted on putting the dog down at that point. I opted for the long walks. And it was a blessing. That was before BD#2 and those walks saved me. BD#2 hit and I quit taking walks for a very long time until another thing inspired me. But, when I started back up, the dog came along. She provided companionship and a sense of security. Sometimes she would drive me crazy when she would get her nose on something and the pace would just come to a stop as she sniffed every blade of grass. Other times she would make me laugh when she would find her patch of alfalfa and drop to roll in it. We walked through rain, sunshine and blizzards.

She has been the one who when the kids went off to college that first year, would snuggle at my feet on the couch. Or sneak up into my bedroom and unmake the bed.

Before MLC, that dog was really attached to the kids and Xh in particular because he had an office at home. He was home most of the time and the dog would lie next to him as he worked. But, when Xh left, the dog was a little lost. Then I think now that somehow she knew when the kids also left that it was just she and I against the world. The kids came home and she was thrilled to see them, but they both have laughed recently, as she waits for me to come home. She has recently taken up residence during the day in the library and will peek out the window looking for me.

I talked to D about the text to Xh this afternoon. I explained my thoughts and my struggles with doing so, but I wanted to be completely transparent with her. She was really very calm and understood. She said she understood how that would be difficult and was not at all angry with me. She simply had one request and that was if Xh for some miraculous reason wants to see the dog, she wants no part of being anywhere near that "reunion" because it would be too difficult to see him fawn over the dog. And she was very clear that he doesn't get to come along and go to the vet, etc. I agreed with her. We both doubt he will do anything other than avoid it all.

Tomorrow, D may join my sister and I for our weekly walk. She had decided she thinks she can ween herself off of the PT and go once a week and perhaps get it down to once every other week and then maybe once a month. I am glad to hear that is her plan. We discussed ways she can integrate her PT exercises and also find ways to decompress and maybe embrace some other things.

Of course, then came up the topic of D thinks I am going to want another dog soon. I sort of laughed and she reminded me that S and she are much older than when we got this dog and they can actually help. I thought back to that first few months when we had this dog and how D was so little that the dog, even though she was a puppy, would just pull D right over. D would get so mad that her little pink princess dress would have muddy paw prints on it. LOL

I know D worries with me being alone in the house, as does my M. She isn't looking forward to losing this dog. D adores the dog. In fact the past few days, D has cut up watermelon, a new favorite food for the dog, and put it in a special container just for the dog. We have our cubes of watermelon in one container and it was made very clear to S and I that the other was for the dog. And the darn dog knows the word watermelon now. We gave her other types of melon as well and she spit those right out. Of course, she is still a fan of cookies, peanut butter and her beloved cheese. We decided today that we would not give her anything that will make her sick, but at this point, a whole oatmeal cookie (a batch D made specifically without raisins  so the dog could eat them) was not a horrible thing. Right now, D and I are determined to just keep the dog as comfortable as possible and pray she can at least make it until S is done with his semester.

I am in no rush right now to go out and replace the dog. I was tempted not to get another at the moment, but I must admit I do miss the feeling of security when I walk. Of course, this one will always have a special place in my heart just because she kept me going some days when I just thought I was unable to keep going.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#128: May 11, 2021, 08:12:15 PM
I'm so sorry you're having to make this decision for your precious doggo.  I can't imagine how it would be to feel like you are suffocating.  Of course, although this choice is a hard one, it makes perfect sense. 

Thinking of you all as you love on her and keep her comfortable until it's time. 
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#129: May 12, 2021, 01:12:00 AM
Dove,

I have been through this twice now with my own dogs so I know how hard the decision is. I can also fully understand that the dog was the thing that helped us to hold on for dear life when all the Bat-Snot Crazy was happening (been there, done that) and the long walks (which allowed us to keep our sanity as well as probably out of jail).  It is such a difficult thing to face.

I back up D 1000% that the walking Golden Phallus with ears has NO place at the vet. He lost those rights when he ran away.... and I can also understand why D wants no part of the "reunion." I hope that you are both right that xH won't come around as that wound really be pouring battery acid in an open wound (the idea of the moat and the crocodiles is coming back here).

If you do decide to get another dog in the future, take the time you need to take....

{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#130: May 12, 2021, 04:02:14 AM
It seems you are off the hook for ex coming over as he did not bother to text anything about setting up a time or wanting to know an update. There´s another layer of hurt when they talk about caring for the dog after having abandoned a family. If only we could take that as confirmation of the personality change and not take it at all personally:( Agreed with Ursa- the pooch was critical in making it through the post BD period.I hope yours rallies so you don´t feel angst over waiting for S to come home.
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#131: May 12, 2021, 03:42:24 PM
Thank you FaithWalker, UrsaMajor & forthetrees.  :)

Both of my kids are laughing at me. Yah, I am a pushover. I had sent both kids a text with a picture of the dog cuddled up with me in her favorite position - with me on my side, with my legs bent and her tucked in behind and her head resting on my knees. It has been that way since she was a puppy. She always snuggled in tight that way with any of us.

It had started when I came home and the dog was wanting my attention. She was mildly anxious, but not as bad as the night before. She wasn't in panic mode at least and was wheezing, but not gasping the way she had been. But, she clearly wanted me to be nearby. It was early and I really wanted to get things done, but chose instead to abide by the dog's wishes and poured myself a glass of wine, found a movie to watch and settled in the den.

What the kids noticed immediately was it was not the couch I normally let the dog on. Even though I had cropped the picture very closely, they knew I was in the den, which meant that dog was on a couch I have never allowed her on. I explained that I had put a blanket down on the leather sofa and part of the reason I chose to do so was I know the other couch sits way too high for her now and she wouldn't be able to get up onto it. Considering I didn't want to be sitting on the floor for several hours, I gave in. And once the dog was up there, she fell asleep and that was my objective - to get her to just relax.

I had only had a sip of wine when my phone notified me a text was coming in. It was Xh and it was rather late. I sort of laughed thinking I know I hadn't had that much wine to be imagining it, but then was thinking I should have perhaps grabbed the bottle to have nearby, as I really did not want to have any conversations with Xh. But, I didn't want to disturb the dog, and I wasn't really looking to finish off a whole bottle in the first place. My original plan was just to savor the one glass while I watched my movie and have time with the dog.

When the dog was a puppy we wanted her to get used to riding in the car and it became one of her favorite things to do. Once spring hit, and the local ice cream stand opened up, we would take the kids and the dog for ice cream. They served doggie sundaes with a biscuit and all. It was a good way for the dog to socialize with other people and the kids thought it was great fun. We did this for years. It continued after Xh moved out, as the kids and I, or once the kids got their licenses the dog would still get the occasional sundae. But, we determined not too long ago that car rides are difficult for the dog because she is not as steady on her legs and she would want to be looking out the windows. Furthermore, too many people around would get her excited and that is one of the times her breathing becomes more labored. So, any ice cream has been brought directly home. But, Xh of course wouldn't know this any more than he knows much of anything that has gone on.

So, the text from Xh he went right for telling me that if I made the appointment he would take the dog for one last ice cream and then would gladly be the one to go to the vet with her. :o I had to look at my wine glass and make sure I had not consumed more than a sip, because I really was having a complete "am I really reading this right"? moment.

I paused and felt so many emotions. One being, so he can show up to take the dog, but can't come see his daughter even when she was in the emergency room. Yah, that sounds about right.

Part of me was thinking how ridiculous, because it sounds like he is yet again putting on the "MLCer Superhero Cape" and can claim he swooped in and saved the day. Nice.  >:(

I remained calm. It was not worth getting riled up. I was quite frankly enjoying my time with the dog and even her snoring wasn't bugging me.

I answered that first of all the dog cannot handle the car ride nor the excitement of the ice cream stand. Secondly, I felt it is really something the kids should have a say in and probably want to be involved in. Thirdly, I can handle it.

Then of course, he had to come back and tell me it is not fair for the dog to be in pain. I had some really not nice responses rolling through my head, but I knew better than to further engage with the potential monster. I simply told him that she is resting comfortably and we are taking it day by day. I really wanted to say to him "are you kidding me"? I would never let anyone or anything suffer.

Years ago, I came across a cat that had been hit by a car on a country road. It's back was broken and it was suffering. I called the vet and he came in after hours. I carefully loaded the cat in my car and was prepared to pay the vet to put it down. The vet refused to charge me anything. Xh was with me and said to me countless times I had a huge heart. Clearly I have changed since then.  ::)

It would be the end of the MLCer exchange last night. I told my sister this morning and she just shook her head. I did let D know what had happened, just in case Xh decided to share with S the saga and manipulate the situation. I let her read the texts and she just sighed and said he clearly has no clue that if anyone should be the one to take the dog it should be me, because that dog has claimed me as her human. And, it is true. The dog loves the kids, but I am the one that has been the constant over the past 6 years. It has been her and I throughout this mess.

It would not prove to be the only WTF MLCer moment in less than 24 hours.

I had written a check to D for her account and she was at the bank. A few weeks back the teller had asked D which account D wanted it deposited into. D has 2 accounts of her own. The teller asked if she wanted it deposited in the beneficiary account. D simply clarified which account number and never gave thought to the phrase beneficiary. She came home that day and mentioned it was a bit odd that they asked about which account, but we both let it go.

A few weeks back, S had mentioned supposedly Xh set up an account for D and has been depositing money in it. It was Xh's attempt to make it look like he is going above and beyond with S and he had made some comment to S that basically implied that when D came around and started communicating with Xh that he would give her the money.

I never really put too much stock in any of it. At the time, it could have been true, it could have been more MLCer lies. I wasn't biting.

So, today, as the check I gave D was being deposited the teller asked which account D wanted it put into. She mentioned the 2 checking accounts or the beneficiary account. D was worried there was some mix up and asked for the teller to explain what this beneficiary account was. So, sure enough, the teller said that it has D's name set up on it and in case of Xh's death, the account would be hers. D called me immediately after leaving the bank. What I got was "so, I went to the bank, and this happened".

We had a conversation about it. I told her I heard rumblings of it, but I didn't want to bring it up, as it was hard to know whether that was truth or fiction and frankly it is not my news to share.

D shook her head and said it is more of the warped playbook of Xh's where he has merged his F and his deceased B's lives into his. Yup, this is right out of BIL's playbook. He didn't see his kids for years and set up accounts with their names on it as beneficiaries. Thing is, BIL also pretty much depleted the accounts along the way.

D was very calm and realistic. Her first thought was her F is not going to win any points with her and somehow wipe it all away with some grand gesture of money. D won't be bought. Secondly, who knows how much is in there at all.

D sort of laughed and said exactly what my sister said later. Xh is making sure that he somehow looks like he made sure he was taking care of D and kept the money out of my hands. It's almost amusing. D laughed and said that if there is money in there she look at it as simply what it in essence is - money that was supposed to be for her education. She joked that he is not fooling anyone.

The part that had her mildly upset is the term beneficiary and the idea of upon his death. She is okay with the whole thing and handling it really well. She just said that was a pretty sad statement that he clearly has no plans to reconcile with her at this rate. And, she is very realistic about the fact that it could end up there is nothing in the account by the time all is said and done.

I have had enough of the MLCer for awhile.  ::)
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« Last Edit: May 12, 2021, 03:44:11 PM by MourningDove »

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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#132: May 14, 2021, 09:22:32 AM
Last night, I met up with a friend of mine for dinner. She chose the place and the last time I was there was Valentine's Day before everything shut down a month later.

Of course with different protocols in place, it was not nearly as busy last night, which honestly was a blessing. Neither of us wanted to deal with too many people anyways. I needed the night away. My friend commented that I need to take a vacation and get away. I laughed considering my sister said the same thing last week and I had given the same advice to someone else. Yah, I need a break from it all.

Yesterday, the visual I had to explain how I felt last night was a taffy pulling machine. I was the taffy being stretched over and over again. Yesterday, everyone seemed to need something from me and it wasn't that the requests were outlandish or of a controlling nature. These things being asked of me were simply coming in at a time when I had other things going on myself and I have had a lot on my mind. I was really trying to just get D's room done so we can check that off the list. Her flooring had come in the night before, so my first task yesterday was to go and pick up the order. These crazy delays with projects has been hard for me. I feel like I am stuck and nothing is moving forward. It has been mildly discouraging and weighing on me.

I do need a break. I have been taking time for myself, so that has helped. But, a couple of days away would do me good. I know it. I am looking into some possibilities and in some ways what has to happen today will in fact make that easier. Problem is with it comes this bit of guilt for realizing it will make things simpler to get away.

My prayers had been answered - and believe me I prayed for days that the dog would be okay at least until S came home from school, so both kids could be there. And last night, she was so happy to see S when he came through the door. The night before, she had tried to get me to play fetch with her, which I did for a little bit, but it wore her out. I knew with the warmer weather upon us and things blossoming the dog's allergies were going to flare up and with the laryngeal paralysis that is a horrible mix.

I had said nothing to S about the dog during his finals week. When he came home last night, I had forgotten S was dog-sitting for a friend of his. The dog is a very mellow, lovable 1 year old pit bull mix that our own dog quite likes. It is a very snuggly dog and well behaved. I found the two dogs lying on the couch next to one another and had to laugh.

This morning, I was up at my parent's house picking something up before S woke up. He texted me and asked where I was and I had just started walking back home. I arrived to see him outside with our dog, who was fine at first and then she had an allergy attack and had to lie down on the grass to catch her breath. S turned towards me and said "it's time isn't it"? Yah, she would suffer terribly at this rate and isn't going to get better.

I called the vet and scheduled to have her put down later in the day. I then called D and let her know. I made arrangements at work to leave early. I was okay with the decision. I know it is the best thing for the dog. But, when I went upstairs to say goodbye to S, who was writing emails for his internship paperwork, he just started to tear up. He asked if we were going to be able to be in the room with her the whole time. I hadn't really thought that far out, although I am sure the woman asked me on the phone. I had said I would go in with her. I hadn't considered the kids might want to be there too. S started choking up and saying he didn't her to be alone and that she has been through our darkest moments. I felt like someone had suddenly punched me in the stomach.

I had to leave for work and I cried all the way there. When I arrived one of my favorite people came in - the window washer. He is such a lovely person. I always laugh, as he is very well off having had a business for years. When he retired, he was bored, so he took up window washing as a way of socializing. He knows everyone and I have never seen him without a smile on his face. He helped me set up the flag outside and he came in without his mask on and stopped to ask me if he could hug me. We always hugged before the pandemic and as it is we are both fully vaccinated, I told him that I really needed that hug today.

What always strikes me about him is he has had tragedies in his life. Many. Yet, he lives his life to the fullest. He is very happily married and I asked how his W was. He got a huge smile on his face and said she had gone golfing with him yesterday for their date. I knew what that meant. She happily lets him go golfing several times a week and doesn't complain about him going. She doesn't keep him from enjoying his passions. But, on nice warm days, she will happily go with him and she has found she likes driving the golf cart around. He told me today that is how they have made things work. She tried golfing once and said it wasn't for her, but he didn't try to force it on her and she didn't make him give it up. He told me yesterday for their date that by the time he reached the 9th hole, he called down to the clubhouse and had them prepare dinner. Their dinner was ready by the time the game was done.

I had to laugh. It makes it seem so simple to adapt. IDK - this man always makes me feel so much better when I see him. It is his passion for life and it is very contagious. It is seeing him just beam when you ask how his W is. He truly loves her and it is such a nice thing to see. He cherishes her and I have met her. She feels the same way about him. And yet, it is not some Hollywood rendition of a relationship. They have had their disagreements and struggles. But they are clearly a team.

I am still having a hard time about this impending appointment today with the dog. I know in my heart it is the right thing to do, but it doesn't make it any easier letting go of her. She has been my constant companion and even when she has driven me to the brink of insanity, I know it's going to leave a big hole in my life.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#133: May 14, 2021, 09:42:25 AM
I am so very sorry, MD. I've been there, though it was with my cat of 18 years. It's a kindness to let them go, but that doesn't make the hurt for those left behind any less.
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#134: May 14, 2021, 01:14:05 PM
Thank you, OffRoad.

D and S spent the day outside with the dog sitting under the shade tree. It was good time for them to be together. It is going to be difficult, but it is necessary. We all see it.
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#135: May 14, 2021, 05:26:35 PM
Surreal? Truly F'ed up? I am not sure what to even call what happened. Weird is only the tip of the iceberg.

I am not angry, because even though I should be on some level, there was little place for anger due to the circumstances.

D had told me earlier that she didn't think she could handle going to the vet. She wanted to remember the dog as she was and just knew it would be tough. And, I was okay with respecting her wishes. I wasn't going to push either kid to go in with me with the dog. But, this morning S insisted he wasn't about to let the dog die alone. So, I called to ask under Covid protocol, what were the rules. Because in spite of me going out with my vaccinated friend and hugging a man I know earlier, I am actually very cautious and mindful of we are still dealing with so many unknowns. I am not about to rip off the mask and run amok all over the place. But, the vet said in the case of families and this situation, as long as everyone was masked and we weren't bringing in 20 people, it was fine.

So, I came home from work and S was snuggled on the couch with our dog and the dog he is dog sitting. When I came in our dog jumped up and S laughed. I took her for a short walk and spent some time alone with her.

I went inside for a bit and out of the corner of my eye I saw an orange car pull in. I knew the car. UGH. S went outside with the dog and there was Xh.

I went out as the FedX driver pulled up to drop off a package. The dog didn't bark, as it was her favorite driver, who we know by name now, as he brings the dog biscuits and makes her sit. I didn't tell him this would be her last "FedX" biscuit.

I looked at Xh and said hello. I wanted to stare. I was literally wondering what I was looking at. Oh, Xh is no longer rocking the long ponytail. Oh no. He had several inches cut off and that is all well and good, but I was not sure what to even say. He has it with chunky high lights and all I can think is Prince Valiant or maybe Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka - IDK. It is a bob of some sort with no shape to it. It is very odd.

Xh then saw our neighbor, who Xh was good friends with before all of this and it has easily been 3 years since Xh has even seen him. But, Xh thought he should walk the dog over and talk to the neighbor like old times. I am waiting to hear what the neighbor says because I am sure it will be "what was that all about". My neighbor in fact has seen our dog more than Xh has in the past 6 years, as our dog loves the neighbor and would run to greet him when he got home from work. I would then have to go track her down. The neighbor and I had spoken a couple of weeks ago about how the dog had nearly collapsed. He had offered to help me with the dog if need be in terms of lifting her up into the car, etc.

S was very upset and it was getting closer to the time to go. Xh asked who was going to drive. I gave him a look of "huh" and said I was driving the dog. S got in the back seat with the dog and I was waiting, wondering if Xh was going to suddenly jump in my car as well. But, no he got in his. I thought that was the end of it, but Xh showed up at the vet's office. Okay.

He handed me an envelope as if to help me pay for the dog, and I knew better. He was making a production out of it all. I opened it and was quick to thank him in front of S for the support check. I knew he was trying to make it look like he was giving me extra money for the dog. Yah - not going to let him play that game.

S was having a hard time and Xh suggested they take some pictures while we were waiting for the vet. He then said I should call the vet and let them know we were there. S and I both gave him a look. One because S had texted his GF who works for the vet and knew we were there and I had called the front desk. I told him I had it all under control and knew the protocols from having brought the dog there throughout Covid in the first place. When Xh suggested S should pose by the door with the dog, I wanted to slap him. Ummm- yes, just what the kid wants - the photo of the dog in front of the door opening into the room where she was going to be put to sleep. I don't think so.

By the time we were at the vet's office, I knew better than to take issue with Xh showing up. S was a wreck and this was not the time for me to somehow make it about me. We were there for the dog.

As we waited Xh mentioned my parents had driven up but didn't get out of the car when they saw him. He started to make an issue of it. Thing is, I had already heard from my parents and they decided not to stop because my F was having a hard time with the dog. My F adored the dog and he has had a hard time the past couple of weeks having lost his best friend, his other friend has Alzheimers and his youngest B is starting chemo next week. I was very quick to shut Xh down and tell him to quit making everything about himself and my F decided he couldn't handle it. S jumped in and informed him of what all has gone on with my F in the past couple of weeks and Xh shut up.

What struck me was S was a wreck. I have never seen him like this and Xh was making jokes and bringing up stories about the dog. Yes, I know that is a coping mechanism and I am all for it, but it was clear at that moment S was not ready for that type of discussion. He needed a hug. I held S and let him just let it all out. Meanwhile, Xh kept on going until S told him to please stop.

I knew how difficult it was going to be. The dog was not going to go as peacefully as other pets had gone just from the stand point that when they would give her a sedative that would relax the muscles, and that is part of her issue to begin with. I knew it would be brutal to be part of. I had experienced it a couple of weeks ago when she was gasping. But, I held her and S stayed until the end.

I was grateful, I must admit that Xh was there to lift the dog up onto the table. S's GF came in and held S and I. Xh was in essence and outsider. I felt a little bad and then thought about how this is what he wanted and it is the consequences of his actions.

S came home and we were greeted by his friends and the dog he is dog sitting. It is probably a blessing we have her here.  She is very cuddly and wants to be nearby.

I received several texts from Xh. One was him apologizing and saying he was sorry my F was having a hard time. I simply said thank you. He then went on to try and have a conversation with me. I know if I shared this with other people in RL they wouldn't understand. I have grieved what was. I allowed him to go along, but he brings me no comfort whatsoever. That was not some bonding moment for me. In fact, I was angry that he only hugged S once before he left and if that is how their relationship had always been maybe I wouldn't have been as upset. But prior to MLC, Xh hugged our kids and told them he loved them every day. Xh was always a guy who hugged. It makes me a bit mad - yah, okay, he is not capable of it, blah, blah, blah. Sorry, my compassion for the crisis button is a bit stuck at the moment.

I then received a photo of S hugging the dog in the parking lot of the vet's office. I am not sure how I feel about it. It is not a memory I really want to hold near and dear to my heart. It is like Xh trying to capture the last photo of the dog and S together as if it is special. Sorry, the one the kids sent to me earlier in the day is so much better because while they were clearly aware of the impending situation, the dog and kids were happy and it is the memory I would rather have.

I came home and the dog that is visiting was wanting to walk. S handed me the leash and asked if I could do the honor of walking the dog. I laughed. It was a nice walk, but it is not my dog.

When Xh asked S when we were getting another dog, S bit his head off. S made it very clear that he needed time to grieve this one and we all need time to adjust. Then he added that it is really up to me, considering it is my house.

I realize that I am going to encounter times with Xh throughout some events in life.

Of course, didn't one of my friends analyze this whole situation and said maybe Xh is coming out of his MLC and starting to realize he is missing out. Thing is, he brought no comfort. I have nothing I want to share with him. That part is really very odd for me. There had been a time in my life that he was my best friend and I shared everything with him. I can't see ever doing that. The fact that I hadn't even told him about my uncle prior to this seems so telling. It is all so weird.

Funny, at one point I cried thousands of tears for Xh. Now, I am going to be fighting tears all weekend and it will have nothing to do with Xh. I know that adjusting to not having my dog around is going to be tough. I will admit - I won't miss the hair I had to vacuum up.  ::)
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#136: May 15, 2021, 04:31:21 AM
Morning,

I’m so sorry. I am sending you a virtual hug right now. Losing a pet is incredibly hard, even without all the emotional drama xh decided to bring into it. Take your time with your grief and your process. You are such an incredibly intuitive person, your S is lucky to have a mom that knows him so well and even in her own grief is emotionally supportive and protective. Sending you love.

Courage
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Me 37
H 37
S16
Wallower/Chaos kid
EA discovered 3/31/2019
BD March 31 2019
He left 10/6/2020
Status: I’m done. Stbxh remorseful, texts and apologizes a lot, is in therapy and several treatment teams.
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#137: May 15, 2021, 09:29:24 AM
Mourning,  I am sorry to hear that your family had to put your dog down.  I totally understand the feelings surrounding the events.  I had to do the same thing last Thanksgiving and totally remember the emotions involved.  Like you, my dog was beginning to suffer and I didn’t want to make him suffer any longer.  I was there with him as well, as both kids were no at home.  One thing my vet did, to my surprise, was they took a nose print and paw print and put it on an index call and mailed it to me a week or so later with a nice condolence card.  I am not sure if that would be something they could do now, but it really is something I want to frame along with a happy time picture. 

The decisions and quality time spent by you and your kids showed how much of a family member these four-legged companions really were.  As far as your XH, I totally agree that he forfeited any semblance of being credible with his recent actions.  Take whatever time needed during this difficult adjustment period.    Hope things progress positively moving forward! 
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If you are feeling down, know that God Has always had a wonderful plans for you.  Unfortunately, there are things that happen and forces that work to try and keep us from reaching what He has for us.  The good news is that there is healing at work.  God is always working in and through your life to try to get you to where He wants you.

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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#138: May 15, 2021, 12:43:53 PM
D came home this morning and she was in a good mood, but I recognized this as a facade. I was waiting for her to just let go. That moment would come midmorning. Her BF was sitting on the couch with her and they were telling me about their impromptu walk yesterday, after I had contacted her about the dog. They were telling me that they had ended up changing plans and stopping at the bakery and taking a walk down the path my sister and I walk on. They didn't go terribly far, only because D had the wrong shoes on for a long walk, but they declared it was a fantastic spot and can see why I love it so much.

We discussed what happened yesterday and I did tell D that Xh showed up and went along. I left out some details, as they would have not been good for her to know, but I wasn't going to withhold the fact he did slip into the situation. If she had found out from anyone but me, she would have been so hurt and angry with me. I told her how he had come to say his goodbyes and came to the vet, which I hadn't expected at first, but I didn't protest because it wasn't the time to create more drama. D said she understood and was glad I made that decision, as she knew S was reeling and it was a moment where making that concession was okay.

And then it happened. I was sitting on the floor in front of the couch and D just slid down onto the floor and sobbed. I don't know how long we sat there. No words were spoken and I just let her soak my shoulder with tears. When she collected herself her BF gave her a hug and said he was so glad she had done that and it needed to happen - she needed to release those emotions she had been holding in.

D felt better and there was a change in her. One that would shock me and S's GF.

S had a GF he had been with for nearly 5 years. Throughout high school and then when tragedy struck her first year of college, she moved in with us. It was a snap decision that I often regret on some levels, but at the time, it was the only one I felt I could make, as the girl had lost her home in a fire. It was also the fall after Xh had moved out only a few months prior. And, Xh used it as ammunition to accuse me of collecting rent and all sorts of fun. It is easy for me to look back now and wish I had done things differently, but I am also kind with myself because I too was still trying to get myself back on solid ground and being suddenly the only parent to make decisions, it was tough. Xh was only a parent when he felt he could somehow punish me and make me look like some horrible person. He was still deep in monster mode. And to this day, I will never apologize for taking the girl in, as if my kids were in the same situation as she was, I would hope someone would take them in and help them out.

D and that girl were incredibly close friends but Xh's games started to wear on them as well. And, because S and this GF were both really young, they realized they wanted different things. Problem is, this young woman chose to break up with S when she found a guy that she was a bit interested in and essentially dumped S. S was crushed and D of course, became the very protective sister.

Now, D still sees this young woman, as do I and we are both kind to her. She regrets breaking up with S and tried to get him back, but by then S had really moved on. And, he brought home a couple of young women on dates that had me praying "oh please, no", but I knew better than to say a word. S has joked since then that he dodged a few bullets in between. D and I just always laugh and say thank goodness he did.

When S started dating this young woman, D liked her, but she had huge walls up. D was in full protective mode with S by then and no young woman was going to get very far. Part of it is both D and this girl can be moody. S asked me one time if I had been moody like that as a young woman. I have my moments of being grouchy, but I was not moody like they can be. I have joked sometimes with him to just roll with it and take cover if they are both in a mood.

Thing is, this young woman and D really have a lot in common in some ways. The GF's F did the whole MLCer nose dive and left her and her B years ago, only to now say he wished he had never left, but now he has a 4 year old with his GF. He originally left because he didn't want to be a dad and have responsibilities any more. GF is 25 - he now has said he is back at having to really be a dad. The GF loves her half sister, but she has many of the same issues D has, since the F is more interested in her B than he is her and they were very close.

But beyond that the GF likes many of the same things that D does. D has never gotten close enough to see that and the GF has kept her distance. Just last week I told D that S's GF is not taking her place in any way and she just has to ask her B for time alone. Yesterday, D and S spent that special time alone with the dog. They used to go out for dinner or go kayaking together and haven't done that in a long time. And it has nothing to do with the GF. D admitted she realized that.

Today, after that whole sobbing episode something changed. In part it was because D realized that S's GF came in and held S at the vet's office. She was there during the hard stuff and behaved like a strong partner.

GF had come to walk the dog S was dog sitting, as he had to work today, and D was all smiles with her. Genuine smiles. She suddenly showed GF where her hidden stash of baking supplies were and said if she ever wanted to bake she could use things. And they had a great time talking about other things.

When S came home he asked if I had been on FaceBook. I had, but I didn't let on right away as to why. My sister had called me and told me to read S's post about the dog. I had of course cried. But, I wasn't sure S wanted to talk about that emotional post, so I simply said I had been on there but what was he referring to. D isn't one to post on FB much at all and uses it only to message S and I or to send us things. She had tagged S's GF this morning in a post and S gave me a look of "what is going on in the universe". I laughed and motioned him into the living room where his GF was sitting. D had gone out to ride bike with her BF.

I looked at GF and S and I said we needed to talk, as I witnessed a complete WTF moment with D and it is all good. I then asked GF if she knew what I was talking about. She sheepishly said she thought so, and S was very curious. I recounted what had happened and S laughed. I said to both of them that this was D dropping the wall and realizing that S is in good hands and all that she said was genuine. S smiled and said he would like it if D and his GF would do things together more, as they both would really enjoy each other's company and his GF could use some different friends, as could D.

No matter what, I am hoping this means D is letting people in more. She has so put up walls and understandably so. I don't care if she and GF become best friends or if they just get along, but it was a huge thing to see this change.

We all decided that tomorrow we will clean out the dog's room and wash the bedding, etc. We aren't looking to get rid of everything, as I already know I should be prepared to welcome another dog sometime. D said she feels safer with a dog in the house when she is home alone and I know both kids would rather I have a dog here, but it is not happening any time soon. I am grateful to have the kids help me. It will be tough, but maybe we can all move forward together.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#139: May 15, 2021, 02:37:12 PM
I am so sorry again for your loss, MD.  I can see that when my little guy had to be put to sleep, and oh how I wished that I had my strong hubby next to me, that in reality, it would have been an entirely different experience and I am grateful that it was my mom and I with the dog in his last moments now, after hearing your story. 

I'm sorry that you had to put up with him coming along, and that if it weren't for S, you most likely would have said thanks but no thanks.  I'm also sorry that it had to be that way, and that he put more pressure on S in a situation that, had it been you, S and the dog would have been a better memory.  It's amazing how that works, isn't it?  When for so long they were our person?

It's nice to hear that the walls have come down between D and S's GF.  I remember being around for the first GF and remember that situation with the fire. 

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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#140: May 15, 2021, 03:57:10 PM
FaithWalker - that GF and the fire situation seems like a lifetime ago. And there were I times caught myself wishing I had done or this differently, but back then I questioned everything. Now, I look back and say I could have done this or that differently, but I did the best I could do at that time and good things did come out of it. I don't regret trying to help that kid out when she had nowhere to go.

The Xh showing up for the dog, IDK, maybe that was supposed to happen that way. If nothing else it solidified how incredibly messed up he still is on so many levels.

S's FaceBook page was tough to handle. He had me in tears and then D posted her own. D's didn't surprise me as much. D is very good at expressing herself in writing. S, expresses his emotions and thoughts very freely, but it is so rare for him to put it in words and then to post that was surprising. And, he said he received several personal messages from friends today. Funnier though was his complete naive response that had his GF and I laughing. He heard from a couple of girls he went to high school with who saw his post and they had always thought he was this young man with only cars and trucks running through his head. It took him a minute to realize that they were reaching out on his Instagram and Snapchat and he hadn't posted the thing about the dog on FaceBook. It took him a minute to realize that they were reaching out to him in a different manner. His GF took it in stride, knowing he is not about to chase after any other girls. He knows he has a good woman. And, while as a mom I can see things that they will have to figure out to make anything more serious work out, they have a good foundation. She is a really hard working, loving young woman and they work really well together. IDK where it will take them in terms of the future, but certainly for now - I am happy he has her.

And D has a BF that has been a blessing all the way around for D. I can see hiccups there, but nothing concerning. What I see is a couple that balance each other out and work really well together. Her BF has a huge heart and he too is a hard worker.

So, I have always said I am not selfish about my home. I have my things I like certain ways, but I am not possessive. S and D laughed today. I have wanted to put in a garden for a long time. My long term goal is to design a raised bed garden. I once saw a movie "It's Complicated" with Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin. I fell in love with that garden layout. That is my dream garden. But, not this summer. I know that is beyond my reach this year with my other projects.

D wanted to continue with her small raised beds in the front of the house. I am not crazy about the location, but I am letting it go again, as it keeps her very busy and happy. I can live with my one flower bed being converted for her sanity and my own - LOL.


I had been out push mowing the front lawn and D brought me a frozen daiquiri she found a recipe for. I was laughing saying I could get used to this type of service. Working outside and then having food and beverages brought to me outside. That back deck is calling my name.  ;D

S and his former roommate, who has moved here recently were talking by the front fence. I happened to hear the conversation. The friend is looking for property to eventually build on, but knows that is down the line. He was saying how much he wants a garden some day and is looking for things to keep him busy for the summer. I have accepted this kid is probably going to be here every weekend during the day with S, as they are working on S's truck and this kid is living in an apartment right now and needs things to do. Last weekend he mowed the lawn for me because he was bored. S and D both got very excited and started to reminisce about the garden we used to have. They turned to me and asked why we got rid of it. I was careful to say why. Hmmm, how about the MLCer dug up the strawberry patch and plowed under the garden because he was over it. I couldn't manage it under the stress I was under and it became apparent that it would be too much.

I suddenly found myself telling the kids that if they wanted to put one in, I wouldn't be able to manage it by myself but we could all work on one together. And then I turned to S's friend and told him that if he wanted to participate he could certainly help out. The only parameters I had were where I didn't want the garden because I have other plans, but that left easily over an acre of land for them to plot one out. They are starting small they decided and going 20 ft x 20 ft. I kind of laughed, but they have it all measured out so that the tractor can go through to make it easier to weed. They may go bigger, but they have a huge amount of space they can expand if they want. And part of my reasoning behind where I said would make sense is because it is close to one of the outdoor spigots on the house. S laughed and said it made a lot of sense.

I am glad the kids are excited about something. While they were at it, the friend noticed I have a peach tree in the back. I said I haven't really had a decent crop of peaches, but haven't really looked into it yet as to what needs to happen. It was a tree Xh had to have in MLC and I was not allowed to do a thing to it. I have trimmed it back considerably and do know from the local farmers who have orchards how to trim the trees back, but I need to research more. I did get some peaches to come on but they were rather small. This kid is going to research it for me and S thanked me later for giving this kid something that makes him feel useful outside of work.

Frankly, I am happy. It makes me feel good that the kids feel like they are contributing. I am going to be very curious what this garden is going to have in it. So far, corn has been mentioned. S, his GF and his friend went to retrieve the plow from my F's barn. Apparently this thing is going to happen tonight. They could be doing worse things.  ;D
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#141: May 16, 2021, 01:16:43 PM
We always had a large garden growing up and one of my roles was to get up between 5 and 6am and weed the thing.  I don't miss that, but I do miss the garden rewards.  Thankfully, our farmer's markets should be opening here soon and I'm looking forward to some fresh produce.
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#142: May 16, 2021, 02:12:28 PM
I started my morning having to do a double take.

I was going with D and her BF to the public market in the city as Sundays are flower market day. Pre-pandemic, if we went when they first opened, you could easily avoid people, as the vendors would be just setting up and most people were still asleep or going to church on a Sunday.

I was getting ready and looked in the mirror and realized I had a black eye. It looks like someone punched me. Now, it is not to make light of someone being hit, because that is far from funny. Why it suddenly amused me was that I knew if I saw anyone I knew the rumors might fly. But, the black eye was from last night.

I had gone to bed, positively exhausted and was already asleep when my phone rang. It was D's ringtone and it was late enough that only there are only 5 ringtones I allow to break through my do not disturb selection on my phone after 10 pm. So, D's call jarred me and I rolled over in a very groggy state. The phone slipped out of my hand and hit my cheekbone and eye. I fell back asleep and forgot about it. I put on some make up this morning, but didn't go crazy, since we were going to be getting our plants and coming home after grabbing coffee, so that we could work in the gardens.

The public market was pure insanity. I don't know what has gotten into people. The good weather and the lifting of the mask mandates - IDK, but we left very quickly. For one, I couldn't handle the crowds. Pre-pandemic I was never a fan of large groups of people, but now even more so. On top of that, I had been warned by a friend of mine who lives in the city that people are really edgy as of late. She used to pick on me for living out in the country - for years. Now, she is selling her house and looking to move out where I am and now I am kidding her, reminding her that Target is not around the corner here.  ::)

Thing is, I love the city and the things it offers. I know that it is a different vibe usually, but today, it was clear that people were a combination of edgy and beyond rude. This overall environment was one where people were pushing other people out of the way and no patience whatsoever. All I could think about was it felt like Black Friday shoppers and I have only been out one Black Friday and vowed to never go again. I swear I was waiting for people to fight over a tomato plant as if it were Tickle Me Elmo. I looked at D and her BF and we didn't even say a word. We just headed back to the car within 15 minutes of being there. It had taken an hour to get there and I just didn't care.

As we pulled out onto the side road, someone came down the street on the opposite side driving at a high rate of speed and weaving in and out of traffic on a residential street, passing the person coming towards me. I had to swerve out of the way so we didn't end up in a head-on collision. They didn't slow up. That was it - I really was over the whole experience I had so missed - the market. I am not in any hurry to go back any time soon.

So, we meandered back and stopped at a bakery to get coffee and then decided to go to a local farm stand. They had plants and no crowds. D's BF spotted the petting zoo and he decided he would let us shop. He had already gone with D yesterday to several greenhouses. He is a good sport. As I was paying for a plant I found for a shaded area of the yard, D went to meet up with him. At the register they had containers of food to feed the animals you could buy. The did have dispensers outside you could put a quarter in, but I know D and her BF rarely have loose change on them. I put the plant in the car and then walked towards them with my little container. It was so funny to see them both get so excited and just laugh.

We found another farm stand closer to the house and the prices were incredibly good.

When I came home, S was already mowing the lawn and he took one look at me and asked what had happened to my eye. I recounted what happened and we both laughed as he said I was lucky I hadn't upgraded my phone because the one he has is like a brick.

Of course, my M noticed it right away as well. I didn't jerk her around and come up with any story. I knew better. She had me come into the bathroom so she could look at in better light and decided it was not worthy of a trip to Urgent Care. LOL

I heard from my sister, who had already been informed by my M about my black eye. She said I really can't get away with anything. LOL. Nope.

I came home and worked in the orchard for several hours and then started clearing off the back deck. S came around back as D and I were moving some things. He got a bit choked up and said he had just moved the pile of sticks the dog had collected by the driveway. She had a habit of finding a large stick in the yard or on a walk and would carry it around. We had to train her to drop it before coming in the house. She settled on one spot and we had decided to see how many sticks she would collect earlier this year. There was a sizable pile and it was always so funny as she would go right to that spot and drop the new stick right next to her collection. S cleared it away and said it was kind of sad.

Then it was D's turn. She started winding up the lead we had in the back yard. I looked over and she was muttering how the goofball would get herself wound around the one tall ornamental grass planting every time.

D and S both had a good laugh and said they have decided that Xh's new haircut is decidedly like the character from Shrek, Lord Farquaad. I can't unsee it now - OMG. I didn't say a word and listened to their conversation. They both realize Xh is not well, but I was glad that they were at least laughing at it all. It isn't that it is funny, but they need the levity to get through the insanity.

It was later when S mentioned he was really upset with Xh and not about the dog. It would seem Xh spotted the 4-wheeler that we used to own in our back lawn. So, Xh assumed that S had lied to him and right away accused him of such. He went on to tell S that he needed to sell it and his sister is in need of a 4-wheeler. S asked me what was Xh's problem. S had sold it to a friend of his. That friend decided he no longer wanted it and sold it to S's former roommate. It is here right now because S is helping the roommate fix something on it. S was really hot under the collar over it all and primarily because he said Xh accusing him of lying was really hurtful. What could I say?

Later in the afternoon, I saw my neighbor. We should have bets going as to how our first encounter with the neighbor would go after the Xh encounter the other day. Normally, it is a "hey, how is it going" or similar greeting. Today, he literally walked over, looked at me and said "WTF was that about"? I burst out laughing. It is not funny in the grand scheme, because there is clearly something wrong with the MLCer, but I admit that had to be very bizarre. My neighbor said it was like the MLCer Xh just was in some time warp and years haven't passed since they have spoken and this was just him popping over to say hello. So incredibly strange, and yet so predictably MLCer.  ::)

FaithWalker - LOL. I just saw your post. I know all about the weeding aspect and I had to laugh. I told the kids I was not going to be the one on weed patrol. That was when both boys informed me that they are designing it so that they can get the tractor and implements in between the rows to do the bulk of the weeding. I should have known that they would come up with that plan. A - because agricultural studies are part of their diesel program, only because they cover all aspects of large machine repair and design and B - because they are both nerds - LOL. I was told that it seems the antique harrow my F owns is very rare and meant for bogs and works very well with heavier soil. I laughed and asked if they had measured all of this out and of course they have. LOL. I am going to be very curious how this all works out. It is looking right now it is like a small cooperative farm in my side yard that is materializing.

It is why I was looking forward to converting to raised gardens. They still need weeding, but it is not nearly as bad as having to take a hoe to the ground. Don't miss that terribly.
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#143: May 16, 2021, 02:27:42 PM
I am going to say my prayers and be so incredibly grateful at this moment.

D sent me a clip that was just on the news. She asked me if that was the car that I had to swerve out of the way of. It was and the news clip confirmed that right around the time we nearly missed them, they went on to hit a pedestrian and then flip their car only a couple of blocks away from where we had encountered them.

I have to admit, I am mildly shaken, seeing the pictures of the collision. How easily that could have been us. I am hoping the people involved survive that mess. Wow- unreal.

It also makes me grateful we left when we did and not a few minutes later.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#144: May 16, 2021, 04:17:29 PM
What a crazy encounter, and then to read about it later, I can't even imagine.  Yes, busy markets with lots of people always take the energy out of me.  I do have to pull back and rest after things like that.

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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#145: May 17, 2021, 04:28:58 AM
You know, I really feel for S having to be slapped in the face (again) with the reality that xH, I mean the Lord Farquaad wannabe (OK, we need to make a slight modification to the Golden Walking Phallus with Ears statue... It now has to include a Lord Farquaad haircut) #1 -  just can't be bothered to separate fantasy and reality, #2 - is still ONLY focused on himself, himself, and himself, not necessarily in that order, #3 - that the rest of the entire freaking world exists only to entertain or serve him, and #4) that projection is still well entrenched in xH's Modus Operendi....

The fact that S pushed back was probably instrumental in xH's outburst about the 4-wheeler - as you have experienced many times, pushback seems to trigger Monster and now it is S pushing back... D is no longer engaged with the GWPLF (Golden Walking Phallus Lord Farquaad) so she is not really a target for him anymore because, well, that's just shooting blanks. She isn't reacting ... You basically take GWPLF's nonsense and hand it back on the blunt end of a 2x4 so he knows you aren't reacting anymore either... The only one left that he can get a reaction out of anymore appears to be S and S too is reaching the point where the BS is being met with a big FU....

That news clip would have left me shaken as well... It goes back to show what a difference of a few minutes or even seconds can make to change the lives of many people... Too bad GWPLF can't see that fact ....
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#146: May 17, 2021, 10:33:15 AM
FaithWalker & UrsaMajor - I still am a bit shaken by how easily that could have been D, her BF and I involved in that. I hadn't realized until D sent me the picture that they also hit a vehicle with passengers after hitting the pedestrian. It really leaves me wondering how fast they had to be going on that side street to completely flip their car the way they did. The location and timing of the accident is really very frightening how close we were. My guess is this person was not just in a hurry because they were running late for work or brunch with someone.  ::)

I am missing the dog and keep catching myself starting to go to do a regular routine thing I would have done before. I did wash all of the dog's dishes and put them all away. Problem is, the cat was not pleased with me. I had forgotten we had long ago gotten rid of the water dish for the cats because they preferred to share with the dog. The cat was very vocal about the missing water dish this morning and it took me a minute to realize that was her complaint, as her food dish was full. I swear she had a look on her face of "lady, you are losing it". She went outside and drank from the pond while I replaced the water dish. She later came back in and drank from the dish, but I was getting a look from a clearly annoyed cat.

D mentioned that the cat is missing the dog too. I have noticed it as well. The cat keeps making rounds looking for her buddy. She has been in the dog's usual spots checking for her and has been in the dog's room several times.

It is a strange absence.

S started his internship this morning and I will be curious to see how he likes the job. He was nervous last night, although he said he wasn't. But, I know my kid pretty well. LOL

His friends had come over to help him load his toolbox up for work. He had to borrow a trailer to put the toolbox on. I sort of laughed when my M asked if he was worried someone might carry it off. I told her if someone carries that off I would be truly amazed, as it weighs 1200 lbs empty. It isn't exactly something someone can just come and lift off of the trailer. It took 3 guys to load it onto the trailer as it was.

I have the opportunity to go paint tonight, but I am thinking of begging off. I think I want to be here for S to hear about his first day. Besides it is gorgeous outside and I made progress on the back deck last night. I can easily set up an easel out on the back deck once I get things organized. Something very appealing about setting up a place I can paint all summer and be outside at the same time.

D, was bored and wanted something to keep her occupied today and she had a bit of cabin fever. So, she willingly went off to pick up the groceries we need for the week. I am more than happy to let her take that task off my plate for the day.

Off to enjoy some solitude and perhaps some sunshine.  ;)
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#147: May 18, 2021, 04:36:03 AM
1200 lbs? and 3 guys loaded it? I am impressed!  That is the weight of a small car! No one is going to simply walk off with it, that is for sure. If he has a way to lock the Tool Box when he is not standing over it, it is a good way to keep stuff safe....
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#148: May 18, 2021, 08:48:16 AM
UrsaMajor - I was corrected. It weighs closer to 1300-1400 empty.  ;) The guys were smart enough to borrow the neighbor's trailer, which has a ramp and the toolbox has casters, so that helps. But, it is still impressive and they didn't unload the tools before loading it, so IDK how much that thing weighs.

I remember when S bought the toolbox. Xh absolutely was merciless and told S how foolish he was to buy one. S had a regular household stackable toolbox system, which in and of itself was impressive, but he sold that and knew for his profession of choice he would need a more industrial type toolbox. And he was at first ready to invest in a new toolbox. The coveted Snap-On version, which is insanely expensive. When you mentioned a small car in terms of weight, the cost of one of these toolboxes new is easily the cost of a small car. Most people take out loans on the darned things. But, fortunately, S has gotten smarter and went on a quest to find one used. There are several that either get repossessed or people upgrade, etc. He found a person that refurbishes them and S bought a Matco which has the bearings on the drawer slides and charger ports built in - LOL. New, it would have cost him easily $10K but he found this one - which had been repossessed and paid $2K. And, yes it locks up. LOL Even I have to admit, it is really very pretty and I understand why he needs it for work. It is meant for professional use and will withstand more wear and tear with daily use.

So, I have joined the civilized people again and have a functioning toilet. Who knew such small things would make me so incredibly happy. LOL.

I am so incredibly grateful for honest people and companies that believe in customer service. It is a family owned company and clearly the grandson who now owns the business takes great pride in their reputation. He didn't charge me for the use of the camera when it wouldn't even go into the hole. Normally, most companies would sock you a fee for that. He said it is very possible the leech lines were flooded with the rain and snow melt, but they are in good working order now. If it happens again during a wet spell, then they can address that, but for now, that is not the issue. My fear that it was the pipe under the driveway was not entirely wrong. It hadn't collapsed, but it is where the problem was. They addressed that and didn't even charge me the full service fee. I was so grateful they have it up and running again. This whole nightmare has really been wearing on my own self confidence. It has made me feel like some type of huge failure and I have felt so silly going to my parent's to shower and the like. Now, I can address the stupid bathroom renovation and hopefully put that project to bed finally. What I wouldn't give to just come in from the garden and take a long hot bath in my own house.

I had joked last night that if I had to have a whole septic put in it would be a month before they could get to it and I was ready to install an outdoor shower system. Of course, I told the kids it would be a redneck version with a hose and just a shower curtain. They were not amused. I thought it was rather funny. But, I am honestly considering a legitimate outdoor shower to hose off when I am gardening. I don't think I can go all cold water though. I have to admit to being a bit of a snob in that department.  ::)
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#149: May 19, 2021, 01:01:17 AM



1300-1400 lbs.... that is some tool box!

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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 5
#150: May 19, 2021, 02:37:19 PM
Oh, UrsaMajor - LOL, leave it to you to find a toolbox GIF.

D went with my sister and I for our walk. We changed things up a bit. We started an hour earlier due to the forecast, which projected a much hotter day than last Wednesday. They were off by quite a bit. It was already 65 when we started at 8 am and is now 88. We also went to a different bakery to get our morning coffee, but decided to stick to our usual path and show D the route we normally take. The new bakery location meant it added a little more distance to our walk, so we finished at just shy of 6 miles today.

D enjoyed herself and I was grateful the path is very flat, as by the 4th mile, D's hips and ankle were sore. The poor kid is just having to continue to work on this ongoing issue that stems from that ankle injury. The PT helps immensely, but she knows this is going to be a lifelong issue.

That said, mentally, it was really good for D to be out with my sister and I, even if we made sure to embarrass her by just being our silly selves. What can I say, my sister and I laugh at very stupid things sometimes. We have for the most part encountered very friendly people, but we have had some funny experiences. Like last week, the man who suddenly started riding no hands on his bike and proclaimed to my sister and I it was very chilly out. Ummmm, it was nearly 80 and the sun was hitting him. We noticed later that every time he passed any women he was riding with no hands. Impressive balance, okay - but I don't think I have seen that particular pick up move since IDK, middle school? LOL.

D and I ran some errands on the way home, but I could see the mood was changing. We were both getting cranky. I was tired and I knew the heat had gotten to me. I needed to go rehydrate and just lie down for an hour. D, she started to doze off on the way home, but assured me she was not tired. That is when the tears came. Oh boy. I was in no mood for that.

I have been waiting for the meltdown over Xh and the dog. D was upset, thinking S had invited Xh to go along to the vet. I explained to her that is not how things happened and at the time S and I just rolled with it. The dog needed to be kept calm and didn't need Xh's potential drama in the mix. D said she understood that and knows it had to be a difficult situation to navigate. But, what D also brought up was S was grumbling because Xh wants some of the dogs ashes. I hadn't heard this one, but seems Xh mentioned it to S the other day. I shook my head and thought this is just great - Xh can't leave any of it alone. And, if it were some sort of "normal divorce" where there had been actual coparenting and interactions, I doubt this conversation with D would have even happened. I have to think this one out, but as I told D, we aren't there yet, as the dog's ashes haven't been delivered.

I came home and took a nap, which is so unlike me. I was wiped out from the heat, but S also reminded me what I had done last night and I had reason to be tired. Oh, right - I forgot. LOL. I worked outside most of yesterday and did a ton of yard work, but then I decided to tear off the lower part of the deck. I had noticed last year one section was rotted out and it was a MLC addition to the deck. Big surprise, I know. I realized that I may not be able to replace it just yet, but it needed to come off because one back beam would no doubt have been tied into the main deck and I didn't need a bigger issue. The original deck, Xh and I designed and built with additional supports, etc. The addition - whole other time period and fortunately it was not a danger, as it was used for lower seating near the fire pit.

S came over and sat down. He would have helped and had offered to just bring the tractor over and pull the thing off with a chain, but he was pretty sure he had broken his toe earlier and was icing his foot. I told him to just sit and enjoy the whole show because I was having a whole lot of fun. S and I made a game out of it, guessing if there were support beams under the one section or not. Oh, Xh put in posts, but IDK how I felt about the lack of concrete to set the posts. We were just about in tears laughing about it. Fortunately, it is the only part of the deck that I question the structural integrity on. But, I was right, the one beam at the bottom needs to be replaced. And the biggest problem always was that Xh didn't leave any gaps on that part of the deck. Water just pooled there and would slowly drip off. When we questioned him when he was building it we were basically told to mind our own business.  ::)

I am rethinking that area now. If I do put the seating back, I know what has to happen. Fortunately, it is not something that has to happen soon or at all. I will replace the lower facing beam, which is not rotted all the way through or a problem yet and go from there.

D is not one to do construction, but I think she might have really been able to burn so much of that aggravation away using a crowbar last night. Especially since it was a MLCer era project. There is something very rewarding about stripping away those little reminders. LOL

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« Last Edit: May 19, 2021, 02:55:40 PM by MourningDove »

 

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