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Author Topic: My Story Towards the place where all loose ends go

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My Story Towards the place where all loose ends go
#20: February 22, 2021, 11:29:06 PM
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Towards the place where all loose ends go
#21: February 24, 2021, 09:16:54 AM
Okay, so this is an established Duran Duran fan thread now.  ;)
I was so young when this song came out. Like so many things you can never recreate or get back, I wish I could feel the feeling of hearing it for the first time.

Enjoy!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjtSznSeyUI
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Towards the place where all loose ends go
#22: February 25, 2021, 07:57:37 AM
I know I promised Duran, but this is a mood today:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=62Ha6SHtkt0

Got an unsolicited message this morning (actually last night but I read it this morning) from MIL's hairstylist, who thought she would be oh so helpful in letting me know MIL got vaccinated and went to get her hair done, and proceeded to have a complete heaving-sobbing breakdown in the chair while recounting that her therapist (whom she runs to every time she's feeling desperate, has one session, proclaims herself "fixed" and then doesn't go back for years) said something to her to the effect of, "Your son didn't leave his wife, he left you." 

Yeah, well...
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Towards the place where all loose ends go
#23: February 25, 2021, 08:43:27 AM
Sounds like my MIL. All about them. A good reminder of where these MLCers came from and why they are where they are now. Sorry you had to see that though. I will say that MIL likely got the message wrong from the therapist--probably said that he left his whole life, which included her.

Back to Duran Duran. ;)
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Me 49
H 48
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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Re: Towards the place where all loose ends go
#24: February 25, 2021, 01:24:48 PM
Or maybe MIL reworded it wrong or heard it wrong in the first place. Maybe the therapist was trying to tell her that her S's crisis and leaving you was all about your H's relationship with her. That would be quite an awakening for her. Don't they say that the in laws don't condem their sons in crisis because otherwise they would have to take a look at what caused them to be this way? And that would mean taking an internal look at themselves? It's interesting that she broke down at the hairdresser. Why there? Maybe she feels safe there? Or she knows it will get back to you?
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D26, D23, S16
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: Towards the place where all loose ends go
#25: February 25, 2021, 01:58:50 PM
I tend to take it at face value, truth dart about those FOO issues, but I think this is important:

Quote
Or she knows it will get back to you?

Such performers they are, she probably still doesn't want you to see her as the bad guy. Or since her son isn't paying attention to her, maybe trying to triangulate you back in. FOO issues galore!
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Towards the place where all loose ends go
#26: February 26, 2021, 02:58:45 AM
Got an unsolicited message this morning (actually last night but I read it this morning) from MIL's hairstylist, who thought she would be oh so helpful in letting me know MIL got vaccinated and went to get her hair done, and proceeded to have a complete heaving-sobbing breakdown in the chair while recounting that her therapist (whom she runs to every time she's feeling desperate, has one session, proclaims herself "fixed" and then doesn't go back for years) said something to her to the effect of, "Your son didn't leave his wife, he left you." 

I think my first thought might have been "And I should be concerned because....?"

MIL is also not your problem nor is her sobbing attack... She has to deal with the consequences resulting from her R with her son.  It is called "adulting."

That goes into the "Sorry, not sorry" folder...
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Towards the place where all loose ends go
#27: February 26, 2021, 05:08:12 AM
Wow, if that's true, that is a sharp-tongued (or very frustrated) therapist  :)
But of course, it isn't your concern is it? And I'd guess the mil relationship has been rather light on the reciprocity front.....you may need to clarify with mil's hairdresser that you are not looking for updates in future bc it's no longer your business....what an odd thing for someone to do  ::)
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Towards the place where all loose ends go
#28: February 26, 2021, 06:08:28 AM
Hi KIT, Milly, R2T, UM and Treasur.
Yes, it was obnoxious for this person to tell me this (and I let her know as politely as I could), especially since I haven’t communicated with this person in a long time and this message from her was out of the blue. Apparently the crying breakdown my xMIL had was very over the top and made the hairstylist really uncomfortable (not really surprising as she certainly fits the bill for histrionic or some other kind of PD).
She’s had similar breakdowns in the salon, where word would be sure to get around. Once very early on after I ran into her there right after the affair came to light, once after she learned of my cancer diagnosis. These performances are just that, performances. When I failed my first chemo, was hospitalized and needed a plasma transfusion, the hairstylist asked her directly if she ever went to see me or brought me groceries or anything. xMIL’s response was, “Oh no, I can’t get in the middle.”  When I  asked her to help me contact him or relay a message to please have his lawyer contact, since he’d moved states and changed his phone number, and she told me she wouldn’t “be a go between.” 🙄🙄🙄
Now he’s not communicating with her either and it’s the end of the world.

I’d say the therapist was probably frustrated, though I doubt she said anything as harshly as xMIL made it seem. We are not talking about a world renowned psychotherapist though. xMIL and her therapist both live in the same small town and all of this therapist clients are generally from the same small town. xMIL approaches a one-off therapy appointment as if it’s the same as taking Tylenol for a headache - feeling despair over something? Spend exactly 59 minutes talking to a therapist and - poof! - all is well again. In her mind, the therapist fixes your problems for you the way a dermatologist fixes your rash or a dentist fixes your cavity. You don’t have to actually be accountable or self-aware. (A lot of people have this warped view of therapy, unfortunately.) 
I can imagine as a therapist, having a patient who comes running in every time something happens in their life, makes one appointment, doesn’t take anything under consideration or attempt to grow and then disappears and doesn’t come back for years would be frustrating.
Anyway, she’s not my problem and I’m sure I made it clear enough I don’t want any further “updates.”
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Towards the place where all loose ends go
#29: March 01, 2021, 05:59:14 PM
One of my faves:
https://youtu.be/zU20mJJULyI

Just journaling:
I have a biopsy (extremely annoyingly early) tomorrow morning. I’m not concerned but it’s just more disruption.

I was doing some thread hopping in the waiting room today and saw a lot of talk of those crazy making questions of what was/wasn’t real, the ideas of narcissists, conflict avoidant.
I had a lot of thoughts swirling but nothing concrete enough to be helpful in regards to anyone else’s situation. But I’ve spent a good amount of time in waiting rooms these last few years, and now because of Covid, everyone is waiting alone. I used to watch couples in the waiting room and imagine their stories. The elderly women, their husbands never, ever seemed to leave their sides. They always looked so sad and they were very quiet. The middle aged women, their husbands asked a lot of questions. They paced around, they went and got coffee, drank it, went and got more. They didn’t look at anyone. The younger women (there weren’t very many of these so the sample size is way smaller), their husbands doted on them. “Are you cold, are you warm, do you want some more water? Are you hungry? Do you feel sick, let me find a nurse...”

Different kinds of present, but they were all there. The young ones looked terrified to lose the love of their lives, the middle aged ones looked terrified to not have any control over the situation, the old ones looked terrified to be left alone.
I think what I thought at the time was: firetruck love. Love is not all you need. Love is like a fraction of what you need to make a marriage work.  I loved my ex but I could have loved him better and harder than anyone in the history of the world loved anyone and it wouldn’t have made a damn bit of difference because I was in that waiting room alone. Not because I don’t have what it takes to make a relationship work, but because he didn’t.

There’s always going to be the “other” in our lives: other people we’d like to know, other places we’d like to be. I chose him over and over throughout our almost two decades. My mistake was assuming he was also continuously choosing me, when I’m reality he was continuously choosing himself. Was he wearing a mask all along, did he change overnight, was it something on between? I don’t know, and I’m too firetrucking tired to care anymore. Did he love me, did he not love me...he wasn’t there, so either way, firetruck him.
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