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Author Topic: My Story Drystone walling

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My Story Drystone walling
OP: March 02, 2021, 11:03:01 PM
My last thread https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11623.0;all

And why this thread name seems to describe where I am now https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dry_stone

I don't think I have much to say about MLC anymore, so I suspect this thread won't be a very active one. :)
But I do think it can be useful for others to see that there is life after this horrible experience and it can have good things in it. I know I benefited from reading other stories about that when I was stumbling through the dark days. To see how one can fit the pieces together to slowly start building a lovely wall. And of course, anyone can PM me.

I am finding too that, with time, my own perspective evolves. Which is healthy and normal and I am grateful for it, but it does sometimes leave me slightly out of step with where others are in their own circumstances. That it is something that happened to me as opposed to something that is happenIng, I suppose. 

I believe that choice matters, particularly when other choices have been taken away from you, and so I would always want to respect and acknowledge those that choose to Stand or who try to reconcile. At the same time, honestly, I see that Standing can make it very difficult for some of us to detach and can cause additional damage too for some, depending on their circumstances. And imho reconciling while dealing with ones own trauma and perhaps a still impaired spouse is a lot to ask of oneself. In my case, I think it would have been too much to ask of myself so I am lucky that events did not place me in that position bc I probably - at least in the first couple of years - would have tried and almost certainly not found what I was looking for with a very high cost to me. Jmo. Sample of one, as the lovely Acorn says  :)

And I am very conscious that my experience was different from some of the experiences here, so perhaps that limits the usefulness of my POV if I haven't walked in your shoes. It would be arrogant to think otherwise, wouldn't it?

I spent a very happy and productive few hours on my allotment yesterday in the Soring sunshine. There was a time, not so long ago, when I would be there having silent noisy conversations in my head with my then h. Or feeling overwhelmed by the pieces left of my life. Or feeling so lost that all I could do was sow one row of seeds at a time. Yesterday was quite different. My thoughts had nothing of my xh or my old life in them, just a sense of enjoyment in muddy fingers, plans for a new deep bed and the pleasure of harvesting Jerusalem artichokes, leeks and parsnips to be shared with my new chums in my new life. The anticipation of tulips in my flower cutting bed that were a gift from another new chum. Started to feel excited that I might be able to see my mother before too long or have a picnic party with some of my allotment chums. All very different from how it used to be.

The one big thing that struck me though was that post BD, I should have treated my mental health as an emergency. As a first among equals issue. Like being in the ER after a crash. None of my initial IC support told me that and I would have been better if they had.

Not all LBS here will get PTSD, although imho most of us will suffer some level of anxiety and/or situational depression. I suspect it depends on ones own situation, perhaps the other challenges going on at the time. But a goodly number will and I did. I don't blame my PTSD on my xh even if his actions were part of the simultaneous events that overwhelmed me.

But PTSD was way more life-altering and disabling than my h leaving me in the way that he did.

Why did it matter that I didn't know, and wasn't shown by others who might have known, that my mental health was an emergency? Bc that is where my survival and recovery lay. In all of the resources and bandwidth that were swamped by PTSD. My ability to think straight, to figure out what to do next, my optimism, my beliefs, my values and my problem solving skills. I could not access those bits of myself, the very bits I needed most, while PTSD was running the show. Tackling that first and above everything and anything and anyone else was a necessity that I could not see at the time. I would encourage every single newbie here to learn from my mistake  :)

So, not much to say but very grateful for all of you giving me a place to say things when I did.  :)
And I will pop back occasionally to update you on my unfolding drystone wall....


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« Last Edit: March 02, 2021, 11:53:04 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Drystone walling
#1: March 03, 2021, 09:19:44 AM
So true that one's emotional heath is incredibly important. We see the surface impact on our physical well being, but the emotional impact is often hard to ferret out. Add on that the emotional impact, imo, also causes more physical problems that we don't connect with the emotional side of the trauma. Because it is a trauma. To our minds, bodies and souls.

Welcome to your new thread and ongoing story, Treasur.  I, for one, enjoy reading along.
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When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

5
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Drystone walling
#2: March 03, 2021, 02:23:45 PM
Following along 😊
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Drystone walling
#3: March 03, 2021, 04:12:12 PM
Attaching and following along,
Can't wait to hear about your allotment this Spring and Summer.

Sea
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Drystone walling
#4: March 03, 2021, 07:07:35 PM
Attaching
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

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Drystone walling
#5: March 04, 2021, 10:01:45 AM
Hi T  :D

Following your journey (as always)  ;)

-SS
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W - 40
M - 44
Together 25 years, M 23
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

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Drystone walling
#6: March 04, 2021, 01:17:40 PM
Following along still Treasur. I don’t post much because my brain still feels quite scrambled and I find it hard to clearly articulate my thoughts still. So please keep on sharing yours. They really do help those behind you to tease out the tangled bits and put things in a bit more of an order. Not even about MLC, but about life in general and what we think and how we think. I’m very grateful for all the philosophical discussions you and others have on HS (even if I don’t contribute). And I’m sure there must be other ‘lurkers’ like me that treasure (see what I did there) this place for that reason.
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M: 50 (48 @ BD)
H: 53 (51 @ BD)
Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 21 (19 @ BD)
D: 19 (17 @ BD)
'Extra D': 19 (17 @ BD)
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (45, now 47) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her. Jun 20: H plans to buy a block of land and build a house with her.

C
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Drystone walling
#7: March 04, 2021, 03:55:01 PM
Still on board with you, Treasur. I feel like when things are in flux with my MLCer, the wisdom you share is very grounding and centering for me, so I greatly appreciate all you have to say. There are many people here who have moved past the immediate trauma of MLC and are healing, whether reconciled or not, who feel less of a need to update their own threads, and of course whatever works best for each individual is exactly what they should do. But I am grateful for your contributions to others’ threads as well as your updates on your own - you are a great example of how real healing and contentment can be found on the other side of all this.
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b
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Drystone walling
#8: March 04, 2021, 05:55:56 PM
Quote
The one big thing that struck me though was that post BD, I should have treated my mental health as an emergency
.

This is absolutely true. It was as urgent as being in a 4 car pile-up , if not worse .  And yet we continue to try to work or parent or keep a clean house and food on the table. We try to continue on as if we are not critically injured.  Maybe we have to just drag our broken hearts thru the steps of survival and many of us had no other option . I could not put a sentence together at times or recognize what I needed or what would be best for me. Selfcare was indeed a foreign concept to me . I could not have saved myself if someone had have given me instructions.   I was finally told by my therapist that she would not support ( or see me again) if I continued to work . She told me I had PTSD and a referral was made for hospitalization. I remember staring out her window trying to figure out what PTSD meant and what is she saying and I had to work and wanting to call my husband .... because I always did whenever I needed help. But I couldn't because he was gone and it had been over 30 years that I heard his voice every single day and this is the 1st time I don't know where he is and ..and ... and ...  a hellish injury. 
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

A
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Drystone walling
#9: March 04, 2021, 06:35:11 PM
Attaching   :)
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