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Author Topic: My Story BRAND NEW MAN 12

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My Story BRAND NEW MAN 12
OP: May 11, 2021, 09:13:50 AM
Hi UrsaMajor, Treasur.

Well there were a few things that probably hurt/angered me. Maybe a combo of both. She abruptly ended the parenting schedule and went to Florida. Now I attempted to approach it as they were just on vacation.

However, she would not stop giving me return dates when I never even asked for one. Meanwhile I recognized our youngest turned 18 and she was throwing that in my face IMO through her texts.

Also I already went through this in 2015 when she took off for Florida. She promises the moon because she is a typical Narc liar/manipulator. Maybe she was attempting to recreate my chasing behavior after BD in 2015.

If one starts from the premise that their spouse/ex spouse is pure BS then it will serve them well in life.

Seeing someone live in the marital home bothered me and thats why I avoid the house. I don't want to see any other man or woman, no matter which way she swings now.

Then my attorney poured gasoline on the fire when he said I had to talk to her about the home sale. So what is the point of having a deadline in the MSA. Do you think her attorney would tell her, oh go talk to Watcher about the alimony and CS. Maybe he will pay it this month. LOL....

Meanwhile I'm not scared of her. I just dont want to expose myself to her lies and manipulation. She finishes every text with a thank you and it pisses me off. Save the niceties and reveal yourself demon 😈 I say. I know what she is so let's cut the sh!te !

Also, I've been on the forum for 5.5 years and people should know how I am already. I'm not on the Hero Spouse because I have nothing else to do. I would like to believe that I have already shown that I'm not abandoning my children.

So she contacted me yesterday as she needs some mortgage information and then waxed poetic how I'm such an understanding and wonderful man for giving her a chance to get her loan together, LMAO....Thats called laying it on thick. Eff her !

Oh she just needs a little more time btw. She didn't say if that would be in months or years.  ::)

So S18 contacted me this morning as that is what I have been waiting for since he was the one on vacation for 4 weeks and not I. He asked if we were meeting tonight because its Tuesday and I said no because I have to work.

As a side bar I have already used 20 vacation days for parenting time in 17 weeks. So I said I could see him on Friday, which I have to take off, and he said that would be fine. I also let him know we can start Tuesday dinner again next week and he said fine.

I will explain my work schedule to him when I see him so we may have to do dinner every other Tuesday and work a lunch in when I'm scheduled for working nights.

So hopefully she can buy me out as selling a house with Ms. Happy will be very difficult for me to stomach. Meanwhile, I guess we will see how it goes this weekend and if S18 is returning to the parenting schedule, eventhough he is 18.

Today was day 17 of running and I'm 1.1 miles off the pace as I've missed 2 days due to weather. I did sign up for a race on the 4th of July so I'm taking small steps back into the vaccinated world and now I have to goto work.

Enjoy your day

Previous thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11723.0
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« Last Edit: May 11, 2021, 03:04:24 PM by Thunder »

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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#1: May 11, 2021, 09:53:36 AM
Really chuffed, Watcher, that your son reached out to you about when you’re next going to meet up. A bit of good news amongst the BS stuff  :)
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H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#2: May 11, 2021, 11:02:48 AM
Watcher she probably thought exactly that
Oh he'll chase me if I run away.

She dangled the bait every time "oh it will be Friday, no Tuesday, no a week from Saturday we'll be back."

Could have been to piss you off enough to contact her and call her out. But you didn't do it.
 Good job.

Now I would appreciate it if everyone would stop treating 18 year olds like babies and that they have no mind of their own. And stop this " oh dear they are not capable of sending a text they've been so traumatized" And they are not all totally under these creatures ( mlcers)  influences. What Kool aid did they drink for that to happen?

You are a good father Watcher.
I'm sorry for you breaking no  contact. I understand what the lawyer was trying to do and he may not have understood all that was going to do was open pandoras box and upset you.
 
I know you're mad, and you have reason to be .
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« Last Edit: May 11, 2021, 11:32:37 AM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#3: May 11, 2021, 01:38:34 PM
Glad you’re here Watcher.

As you know, my mlcer is a judge. They are already a bit power-mongery. (Yeah it’s a word. )   They hate to be told what to do even if it is in a contract. Not all are like this of course.  Anyway if you present with the contract and all this extra stuff you are doing, you become the reasonable one. Which is no small task as a male. Yes it is a very chauvinistic system that tends to think we females are the weaker sex and thus need Daddy-(or Mama) judge to take care of us. And family court is the absolute worst for this. Pain the a$$ for you and sets off triggers a plenty. Necessary evil I’m afraid. But it won’t last forever. Though it sure seems that way I’m sure.

You’re doing an amazing job. Love that your boy reached out!
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Re: BRAND NEW MAN 12
#4: May 11, 2021, 03:05:46 PM
Welcome to your new thread, Watcher.

I'll be following along.
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#5: May 11, 2021, 03:07:16 PM
Still tagging along with you, Watcher. 
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#6: May 11, 2021, 07:32:02 PM
I loved Treasur's post from the end of the last thread.  Treasur, you've been told this a bunch of times I know, but you are definitely a Treasure.
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#7: May 12, 2021, 01:26:23 AM
I am REALLY glad that S18 reached out and contacted you to see when you would get together the next time. That is a step in the direction of

for him....

And hopefully, xW gets her stuff together to get the house taken care of.... ASAP!
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#8: May 12, 2021, 12:53:39 PM
Hi UrsaMajor, FaithWalker, Stillbaffled, KIT, Thunder, Init, Treasur.

Well I gave her the mortgage figures yesterday as she does need to know my balance according to my attorney. She then replied that she needs my mortgage statement which she is not getting since she is not on my mortgage. My attorney said she doesn't need it.

You know I'm surprised she didn't hire a male attorney as she plays the role of the damsel so well for men. Her mortgage person is a man of course, lol. So maybe she is not giving this guy the entire story I'm thinking.

So we are still doing the same dance from Feb and March when she asked for my mortgage statement. I'm just not comfortable giving up my account number as it has no bearing on whether she can obtain her own mortgage.

It really should only take a day or two to know if she qualifies for a mortgage loan. Balance + buyout = the amount of loan she needs. So we will see what happens. Again I think she is not telling her mortgage guy that she is not on my mortgage or she is just stalling for time, lol.

She thanked me the other day for giving her more time which I didn't. She has this knack of making a statement and it just becomes her truth. So she asked me for more time, I didn't reply, and then it became her truth the next day. Oh Watcher gave me more time. Thank you, lol.

You also have to listen, or read in this case, to their words as thats where the truth lays. She promised how this loan mortgage was for real and it really was going to happen as she just needed more time. So to me that means she is lying and its not going to happen.

Meanwhile its sad to see her desperation knowing her plight however I cannot allow myself to feel anything towards her.

I still have her on block so I can choose when to read her messages. So if I see a message in the blocked folder that needs to be addressed then I have to unblock her, reply, and then block her again.

IDK what S18 and I are doing on Friday. IDK if this is just a dinner night or if he is staying for the weekend. I guess I will know more when we see each other. Our oldest is now S21 today.

So the Berlin Marathon is still on for September 26th as I received an email today that each participant has to prove they are either vaccinated or they must adhere to their covid testing and protocols. They haven't announced yet how one has to prove they are vaccinated.

Its still cold as today was day 18 of running 5 miles a day. I am .44 miles off the pace currently. I have totaled 165 miles so far this year and I had 379 miles at this point last year.

Enjoy your day
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#9: May 12, 2021, 08:24:27 PM
Maybe she should just give you the phone number of her mortgage guy and you can set him straight on the amount that she needs to finance.   :P

I'm sure that would go over well with the MLCer.   ;D
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#10: May 13, 2021, 12:00:38 PM
Hello,

Quote
Well I gave her the mortgage figures yesterday as she does need to know my balance according to my attorney. She then replied that she needs my mortgage statement which she is not getting since she is not on my mortgage. My attorney said she doesn't need it.

Absolutely correct approach. Don't want her trying anything sneaky to complicate matters. If there are any questions or concerns, the loan officer will contact your mortgage holder for any and all information regarding the payoff. If she has issues with bills and low credit, she will not qualify for the loan. After all, this is not about her qualifying to take over the loan, but to buy the house. She needs to buy you out of your equity in the home as well.

If I was you, I would offer her the money to buy her out, fix the house up and sell it for a good profit. However, you would have to do a solid walkthrough of the home and figure out how much it would take to fix the home before you make that offer.

Enjoy your son and have an awesome day!

((((Ready))))
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Re: BRAND NEW MAN 12
#11: May 13, 2021, 01:27:07 PM
Oh my dear Ready, as far as I know Watcher wants nothing to do with that house.

I know what you are saying, but from what he has said he just wants to sell it "as is" because it would take a lot of time, energy and money to fix all she has done.

In a perfect world, huh?  ::)
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#12: May 14, 2021, 08:17:35 AM
Hi FaithWalker, Readytofixmyselffirst, Thunder.

Well I woke up this morning to learn that the United States of America has defeated Covid19 and we can now burn 🔥 our masks apparently. Oh hang in there people of the world. One day soon your country will also reach a vaccination rate of 35.8% of its population.  ::)

So we were forced to wear a mask and now ,we the vaccinated few, are being forced to unmask. Yea OK Saddam Fauci. Oh New York and New Jersey are going to start a Civil War because they do not agree with the CDC. It makes me wonder what this whole pandemic was really about in the end.

Well Ready I'm really hoping the 5.5 billion Brood X cicadas about to emerge on our property are hungry after 17 years and they will choose to eat the house. Other than that small miracle, I do not want the house.

If she could refinance ,which will never happen, that would be for the best as selling it "as is" is going to be a nightmare. Oh bring on the Brood X Cicadas !

So I finally finished my taxes and claiming single is better than married filing separately. The state return also allows alimony to be deducted for that whole one big month I paid it in 2020. I won a lawsuit last year against work and the law firm had to go back to court to force the employer to release our W2's. Yea talk about being vindictive as it was finally Fed Exed last week.

So rejoice 🇺🇸. We have done it yet again.
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#13: May 14, 2021, 08:45:59 AM
Must admit that I too raised a quizzical eyebrow about the ‘no more masks if you’re vaccinated’ announcement, Watcher. Here in the UK, the government is doing some awkward shoe-shuffling trying to balance a ‘yay, we’re best at vaccinations and back to normal soon, go us’ message with a rather dramatic increase in one of the Indian variants which seems to be highly transmissible in a dozen or so areas in the last week or so.....we will see how things unfold I guess but erring on the side of caution for a while longer seems sensible to me.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#14: May 14, 2021, 11:54:39 AM
Hi Treasur,

Oh they cannot give the vaccine away in the United States. I think we have hit a plateau. There are commercials all day long on television basically begging people to get vaccinated and its readily available to everyone now.

I know Germany is still basically on lockdown for foreigners and the Berlin Marathon organizers don't seem to know that themselves. I did read where the beer gardens are about to open which I found strange. Thats something I would avoid.

Yea I'd rather be cautious and wait to see how things are in the Fall or early Winter. New York City is open for business July 1st.

Yes one would think the scenes out of India over the past few weeks would raise concerns.
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« Last Edit: May 14, 2021, 11:56:30 AM by Watcher »

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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#15: May 14, 2021, 03:44:07 PM
Ok so this is the horror story so far. She sent the 2 boys to Florida for 4 weeks to stay with their grandparents while she remained in NJ. So she was the person in the house that I saw when I passed by 3 times.

They came home last Thursday. She told me Saturday. Well on last Saturday S21 and xW boarded a plane for Florida and left S18 home alone.

S21 is going to live in Florida with his grandparents forever and he is not coming back to NJ.

xW attempted to get S18 to return to Florida and he refused to go back.

So why am I failing with S18. He and I had it out as I can't believe he did not tell me he was home alone and I would have made sure he had food at least everyday.

So S18 is not going to Florida and he wants to stay in NJ with me. So I have to find us a place to live now.

I warned him that she is going to try and get him back to Florida after May 24th graduation and he says he is not going. So I have to save this one now. I believe she is going to run or she already has left us.

xMIL was working both of the boys over about them living with her and S18 refused. So I told him they are not going to let up that easily.

There is no way she is remaining in NJ while S21 lives in Florida. Then again she really doesn't love our sons so who knows.

Just unbelievable.

And of course I feel like a d!ck now because I didn't go to dinner with him on Tuesday night.
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« Last Edit: May 14, 2021, 03:47:06 PM by Watcher »

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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#16: May 14, 2021, 03:59:59 PM
Good god, Watcher, why is it when your xw does something WTF, I am surprised for about a second and then not surprised at all..... ::) I’m sorry for this new turn.

However, on the bright side, kudos to your youngest son for his inherited Watcher balls bc I bet he came under a ton of nutso pressure and emotional mind games for those few weeks. A bit of mini-Maximus  :) And that the two of you now have the opportunity to be together in your own place away from the crazy folks. Let XW and mil huff and puff...he’s 18 now and he can choose. And he has made his choice. I get why you might feel a bit of chagrin about the Tuesday dinner....but you couldn’t know until you knew....and your boy has made the big choice that mattters more than not informing you right away imho. Good for him.

And with any luck, xw will follow the predictable textbook and has/will run off to FL so you can get rid of the old house more easily. You might even get the dog who liked you too  :)
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« Last Edit: May 14, 2021, 04:10:33 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#17: May 14, 2021, 04:36:48 PM
Watcher,

Your poor son is so confused.  He has been kept away from the parent that is willing and mentally able to participate on a daily.  Heaven knows what he has been told to him.

With him being home alone for a while, you have the perfect opportunity to set boundaries, limits, and expectations for your father-son relationship, while showing him that you are trustworthy and consistent.

You are doing great!

Sending positive vibes that within the year we find you:

1) living in a new house with son
2) son attending a modestly priced college that he can commute to
3) money in the banks from the house payoff
4) running, hiking, and concert going increased
5) in peace!

It is going to happen!



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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#18: May 14, 2021, 05:28:48 PM
From out here and everything you have said, absolutely none of that surprised me. That is so messed up. It looks like you are just going to have to keep talking with S18 and telling him it's OK to ask you for things because he just does not know any better. Really, yes, he's 18, but you know he lived with crazy for the past however many years and probably hasn't had a whole lot of life experience. Turning 18 doesn't make you street savvy if you weren't before.

If I were you, I'd be impressed that S18 had enough gumption to say no to Florida, and let you know he wants to stay in NJ with you. From his side, he might have felt he was taking a big risk, that maybe you didn't want to be "saddled" with him. Yes, it sounds stupid, but people write their own stories in their heads. When I call my son and leave a message and he doesn't call back, so I don't call him again because I figure he's busy, he thinks I'm the one who isn't doing the calling. How does that makes sense? It doesn't, but it doesn't change how he is thinking. He lives with his father who thinks the other person should just keep calling until they get hold of the elusive person they are trying to call. I don't roll that way. That's what phone messages are for. We have to go over that one at least once every six months.

IMO, It says a lot that S18 took that risk. It means you made a difference in his life. Keep a (metaphorical) candle burning for S21 in case he gets a clue and wants to find his way to you. You don't know if you may have planted some seeds on the visits you had. One can hope. :)

I hope you have a nice weekend with S18.
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#19: May 14, 2021, 06:56:06 PM

IMO, It says a lot that S18 took that risk. It means you made a difference in his life. Keep a (metaphorical) candle burning for S21 in case he gets a clue and wants to find his way to you. You don't know if you may have planted some seeds on the visits you had. One can hope. :)


I agree with everything OR said!

You lovingly planted seeds and now you are reaping! As much as son's need their mothers... Men Make MEN!

You are a good man Watcher and you are going to start the job that what was taken away from you for too long.

YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE MAN! A WATCHER!

Setting up boundaries to protect you while establishing and deepening your relationship your son will be critical:

Examples might include and should be clearly explained to son:

1) "I will no longer engage in communication about you with your mother.  You are 18 and I will communicate about you with you"
2) "You are old enough to chose to see me whenever you want.  You are an adult"
3) "I am willing to pay for college in this amount"! "What you mom wants does not matter to me, nor am I obligated to pay for something I do not agree to" "College tuition will be discussed between you and I son" Period.

Of course these are all my thoughts and you could disagree with me.

He is old enough to hear what you went through and that you have had enough. That you are holding your boundary of NO CONTACT with his mother to protect yourself.  That he is old enough to see you whenever he wants...without a parenting schedule.  If he leaves the state you will assume it is what he wants, though you would love for him to stay and build a relationship with you.   

Please do not be shaken if XW is rattled by your son's choice and doubles down.  She will only do so because she feels like she is losing control.  In reality she has lost control completely, but doesn't realize it yet.  Stay no contact.  She has not power over you anymore!

S21 will watch from afar and maybe he will come around.
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#20: May 15, 2021, 04:02:28 AM
Hi Zion, OffRoad, Treasur.

My mom says its a "mother thing". She is his mother and he can't believe the things that she does so he would rather stay home for a week by himself, then call me, out of embarrassment or shame because that is his mother.

My mom says he was most likely left behind to take care of the pets. So I believe he didn't want to go back to Florida but I also believe she would have left the pets alone if he did go.

He mentioned how neither his mom nor S21 care for the pets anymore. He theorizes that his mom went on vacation while they were in Florida.

It doesn't sound like he did any school work during the 4 weeks as his books were home. His mom said it was no big deal. He has in person finals this week so that could explain his return. Meanwhile he doesn't know the exam schedule.

We talked about graduation. Now I have heard nothing from the school since January and I assume they are allowing him to participate. The graduation fees were mentioned last week and then I heard nothing from his mom again. So I can also see how they would not allow him to participate.

I think she was hit with that realization last week along with my text about finding a realtor to sell the house at the same time so she ran. I think the in home learning for him was a disaster this year.

He asked about continuing his driving lessons, he wondered how the house would be sold and he is worried about where his pets will go. He is also embarrassed by the 2 foot tall grass situation and says the backyard is worse. The house looks abandoned.

He is worried that he will miss a semester of college and I said its most likely probable as he never took a SAT nor has he applied to any college. Yes he has a lot of concerns.

I think we are going to know pretty soon how this will turn out. The graduation is actually May 25th and then we will have our answers.

She is supposedly returning today but she is a liar.

Yes sometimes I don't see things from his perspective. My first reaction was I can't believe he would rather stay home alone then contact me. I asked him why he didn't let me know and he sort of didn't have an answer as he was embarrassed.

He said all the right things as we talked so I'm hoping this will be the beginning of the end of it for him at least. I can't believe she also separated the 2 boys but I told S18 that he has to focus on himself now and his future as it may take S21 more time to figure things out for himself.

Yes I can't imagine what he has been through nor what is running through his mind. I told him he has to make a decision and I know it sucks having that weight on your shoulders at this age. This madness has to end and I really think she helped matters. S18 never wanted to leave S21 and she removed that issue herself.

I told S18 that I am not looking to control him and I just want him to goto college and have a future for himself. IDK, I'm just hoping this will finally be over and he can have some stability and normalcy back in his life.

Thanks
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« Last Edit: May 15, 2021, 04:26:55 AM by Watcher »

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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#21: May 15, 2021, 06:18:52 AM
Thanks for that update, Watcher. I am hopeful on behalf of you and your S18 that you can both start to find some real healing from this point forward. You have both had a very difficult situation of her making (as has your S21). And even though your xW has forced the issue in some cases, your S18 has spoken up for himself on some of his preferences, so hopefully he will continue to do the work needed to get past the shame and manipulation she has inflicted on all of you.

Whatever happens with your S21, it appears that you and your S18 are taking steps toward a healthy relationship between a parent and a young adult child.
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#22: May 15, 2021, 06:34:02 AM
Hello,

The more I read, the more I believe your thread needs to be changed to "The Adventures of Watcher in Wonderland".  In Game of Thrones there was the mad king. You've got the mad queen for sure.

Since you are dealing with craziness, have you considered just letting the house start to fall into default? Stop paying the loan and focus on getting a place for you and your son. That would definitely force the sale of the house. Once again, you are in a bad spot as the house needs work and that is going to hurt you. A real estate investment company may offer you cash for the place so they can flip it.

Despite what your attorney says, there is no working with your wife. She is an active liar, cares nothing for either boy, and will do anything to hurt you.

As far as your son goes for college, he can go to community college and start getting prerequisite classes done now. Or work for a few months and then start community college. The classes will transfer to his four year school when he is ready and he knows what he wants to do with his life.

With our four kids, two went to community college and two went straight into four year schools. For one, the community college route was best because she wasn't sure what she wanted to do until recently. Now she is in a four year school and will finish next June. My youngest started community college in high school and finished her degree a year early. The other two completed all four years at a four year institution.

Point is, there are lots of routes and ways to navigate college and finish with the degree. The most important thing is that you've got your son and now it's time to keep him.

Have a great weekend with your boy,

(((((Ready)))))
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#23: May 15, 2021, 07:19:01 AM
Is there enough room for him to stay at your mothers with you for the short term?

I'd think about him going back to the house since she's not there and getting anything he needs.
You have a lot to attend to Watcher. Maybe get online and look at apartments / houses in your area.
You know how she got when she was frustrated with you. You were physically injured.You have to understand she could do that to your son if she knows he's leaving her.If she's at the house and he refuses to go to Florida again it could make her very angry.
This could become violent.

I would get him out of there asap..as far as the pets any friends or anyone who would take care of them for a while?
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#24: May 15, 2021, 10:04:07 AM
I am passing this along from my D. She says even when she logically knows one parent is screwed up, she does not want to lose either parent. She will sometimes put up with things she doesn't consider harmful when she should not, like most people will do with anyone they care about. That in a situation like this, there is the added disadvantage that if she is not careful, her father wIll abandoned her (hmmm. Just as I thought....) and she is not ready for that to happen yet, but thinks she could be some day and is mentally preparing in case it should happen.. She does recognize he is a messed up human being.

I don't know if your son might have similar feelings, but if so he's in a tough spot and needs all the "focus on yourself" training we have all gotten here.
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#25: May 15, 2021, 06:25:12 PM
Hi Curiosity, Readytofixmyselffirst, Init, OffRoad.

This morning S18 said he wants to focus on finals this week and then graduation next week. I think he is going to wait and see what his mom does next. IMO he will live with me only if his mom relocates to Florida. If his mom remains in NJ then he will remain with her I believe.

However, I believe she intends to relocate both boys to Florida while she remains in NJ. She has S21 settled with her parents and she will move to do the same with S18 after graduation. I have presented S18 with every doom and gloom analysis so if he still ends up in Florida then there is nothing I can do to stop him.

I do agree with him that finals have to be addressed first. He doesn't even know his exam schedule.

This morning we went to his house so he could make sure the dog and cat had food and water. We then took the dog to the park for about 30 minutes before returning her home. I remained in the car. His mom is due home at 11pm and S18 left the key for her under the front door mat. Yep.

We went hiking today but I think he stayed up too late last night as he slept on the drive home. He vented a lot today.

So today it kind of clicked that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. However, its really impossible to plan life this way with so much unpredictability.

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#26: May 16, 2021, 01:18:14 PM
Unpredictability is hard, but hang in there Watcher.  Definitely keep doing with you're doing where S18 is concerned.
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#27: May 16, 2021, 05:42:48 PM
Hi FaithWalker,

This morning I went for a run early and S18 was showered and had eaten breakfast by the time I returned home as he was ready to go driving. He must have went to bed early last night.

So we had a 45 minute drive as I took him to this state park for the 2nd time as there is good traffic signage, a fair amount of vehicles on the road and plenty of pedestrians walking and biking to get in his way.

He did quite well and drove for 1.5 hours which seems to be his limit and he has 6.5 hours total now on his 4th attempt. This time I had him exit the state park and drive for a bit on the highway and I will extend it further each subsequent time out going forward.

His driving test is in August so we should still have plenty of opportunities barring anymore trips to Florida. I let him stay a bit longer tonight but he has finals tomorrow so we need to get high school finished.

He was angry on the drive home. So he was venting when I picked him up from his house on Friday and he was venting again tonight on his return.

He is still having problems with his acne and his mom will not get his face treated properly. He says she has every product in the world for herself and she will only give him samples.

She takes him to Hand and Stone, which I've never been a fan of for him, and she refuses to buy their products he was telling me. He remembered her taking him to a dermatologist in 6th grade, then again in 8th grade, and she refused to follow the instructions of the doctors as they don't know what they are talking about.

The doctors say it is not from his diet and his mom says it is from his diet so she won't budge. Typical her way or the highway control.

So I asked him if he wants me to find a dermatologist for him and he said yes. This way we can have a routine program established for him without her interference. He said his face is not clearing up because its not being treated and he was really mad.

Yesterday he didn't know his final exams schedule so I advised him to email a teacher to find out and today she responded to him and he now knows his schedule for this week.

I told him, if he wants a dermatologist, if he wants his drivers license, if he wants to goto college, if he wants a GF one day, then he is going to have to fight for what he wants. She is not going to help you I said.

He was angry about Florida as that is where his face became worse. She was waiting for him in her car as we arrived as he said she wanted him to go food shopping with her. He told me he was going to study for tomorrow as he wants nothing to do with her.

On Tuesday we will have dinner and we have to get a graduation outfit for him afterwards. I also told him I would have the dermatologist appointment for him.

So as I drove away she had to pop out of her car to let our son in the house. So a little push back from S18 and I'm so getting blamed for it, lol.

So we will see what happens on Tuesday night as she doesn't like people pushing back.

Have a good night
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#28: May 16, 2021, 11:05:55 PM
I told him, if he wants a dermatologist, if he wants his drivers license, if he wants to goto college, if he wants a GF one day, then he is going to have to fight for what he wants. She is not going to help you I said.
This is gold, Watcher. It may seem like a "duh" to the average person, but not for someone who has never had a mother who supports his being his own person. Once he knows he can get some help to get what he needs and he's not stuck with what he had, he'll keep moving forward.

You go, Dude!
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#29: May 17, 2021, 01:27:38 AM
Watcher,

All I can say from my view is...



I am really sorry about S(now 21) but this is nothing that you didn't expect as he was the "Golden Boy." S18, on the other hand, is developing a mind of his own and the Chutzpah to go along with it. I am REALLY glad that is getting the "Put on your own Oxygen Mask before helping others" advice form you because he will need it.

As someone else noted, it is not like he has any real support from Mommy Dearest and, if one adds MIL into the mix, the results are even worse.

I kind of hope that she does do a runner because it would allow you to get things moving with the house if she does but being there for your S and him knowing you have his back is SO important right now. MommyDearest is going to try every nasty trick in the book to get S18 to knuckle under so any support you are able to provide him is going to be a win for both of you....

UM
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#30: May 18, 2021, 07:09:20 PM
Hi UrsaMajor, OffRoad.

So tonight I picked S18 up for dinner and the first words out of his mouth as he entered the car were inquiring if I made an appointment for him with a dermatologist. Then he said his mother had been texting me earlier in the day.

Apparently he is now going to the prom on Thursday. His mom let me know that she paid the graduation fees along with the prom fee so she asked if I could pay for the tuxedo and if I could take him tonight. She already had a place picked out.

She also let me know that she is going to give me a graduation ticket this time around. S18 talked to his mom about the dermatologist and she blamed me for the food I feed him which was no surprise.

We went to dinner and then to the tuxedo store afterwards which was a drive. Due to the short timeframe he was fitted tonight and he was given the tux to take home.

His mom texted me when I got home that we can split the night. So she will take him to the prom and I will pick him up. She did offer me either alternative but I went with picking him up.

Well I wasn't planning on going to the graduation as there is really nothing to celebrate. Its part the school was forced on me, its part divorce and the pandemic really killed high school.

I do not like her texts nor do I like to cooperate with her. I have no interest in coparenting. I'm not looking forward to paying CS if he goes to college. I just want out from her. I will absolutely never allow this situation to feel like its normal.

The other day S18 asked me for shaving cream which I found odd because he doesn't have facial hair. So tonight I learned he shaves the acne so I had to tell him to knock it off and he wonders why his face was irritated on Saturday.

I'm working next Tuesday night so we will have dinner on Monday night instead. Meanwhile I have to text him on Friday to pick up his tux to return it but that was before his mom reached out to me to pick him up from the prom on Thursday.

Today I ran 9 miles to keep pace at 112 miles for 24 days. I also brought a Jason Aldean ticket as that was my goal, along with Eric Church, once things began to open up.

I'm actually tired so have a good night.

Thanks
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#31: May 19, 2021, 12:50:49 AM
Quote from: Watcher
The other day S18 asked me for shaving cream which I found odd because he doesn't have facial hair. So tonight I learned he shaves the acne so I had to tell him to knock it off and he wonders why his face was irritated on Saturday.


Where did he get the idea that this was a good thing to do? OUCH!
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#32: May 19, 2021, 06:45:57 PM
Oh he said that's his way of getting rid of the dead skin cells UrsaMajor. I have no clue. Sounds like something his mom would do.

I didn't mind going to the tuxedo shop yesterday as it was just S18 and I so it was fine. I don't feel like I listened to her and viewed it more as something my son wanted.

Now I do view all her texts as pure BS. She even called me Watch and left of the er, lol. Eff her with her use of my name as only one syllable. The nerve of her. Yes, yes, I know. Reconnection is dead on arrival with me, lol.

Now I recognize she was caught up in the moment last night. In her eyes I came through for her yet again by getting the tux. So she extended me the offer with either taking S18 to the prom or picking him up. I'm really fine with doing neither. I'm sure she will do whatever she wants come tomorrow.

Today was the last day of finals so theoretically they can already be in Florida. S18 doesn't always respond to my texts. I do not know where the prom is located and I'm not chasing him.

I did respond to her last text about picking S18 up from the prom and all she may have been looking for was attention like Dr. Fauci who never met a media outlet he didn't like.

So we will see tomorrow.

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Re: BRAND NEW MAN 12
#33: May 20, 2021, 04:05:14 AM
Next time you´re tempted to say that S18 is now an adult, remember the shaving of acne to remind yourself that, no, he´s still a kid. Read an article this week that sugar in the diet contributes to acne. That´s a tough one to eliminate.

Hopefully you get a definitive answer this week as to whether she can buy the house or not. And fingers crossed that the graduation tickets are for open seating.
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#34: May 20, 2021, 05:42:18 AM
Oh he said that's his way of getting rid of the dead skin cells UrsaMajor. I have no clue. Sounds like something his mom would do.

"Getting rid of dead skin cells?"


Uhmmmmmm .... I thought that is what washing was for, you know? Soap and water? Maybe a washcloth? In extreme cases, one could use a loofah sponge but most certainly NOT a razor!
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#35: May 20, 2021, 06:06:00 PM
Hi UrsaMajor, FTT.

Supposedly I am picking up S18 from his prom tonight which is being held in the marital hometown. I really don't know why I have to get him at 10:30pm. Its not like I'm going to take photos of him with his tuxedo in the dark.

I'm going to be annoyed if I drive over there and she picks him up anyway. I texted S18 earlier to let him know his parents game plan. Unbelievable co parenting BS plan ! LOL....Eff co parenting.

Tomorrow I have to return the tux. Meanwhile I was also at his house on Monday morning at 5am because he left his allergy medication with me. Its been a long week in that town.

So we will see what happens.

Have a good night
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#36: May 21, 2021, 04:57:43 AM
So I arrived at the prom around 10pm and texted S18 at 1015pm just to let him know where I would be parked. At 11pm the prom must have ended as people began to pile out and S18 finally replied to me.

Well he informed me that his mom changed the plan and she was picking him up. So IDK why I have to play this game of pretend as I knew that would be the outcome. I replied that would be fine to S18 and he was to have the tuxedo ready by 1pm today for its return.

I texted xW to acknowledge I was leaving the venue since I was informed that she was getting him. She replied that she was very tired but she would go get him. Whatever. If S18 wants to depend on ol' unreliable then that's his choice.

I was mad so I also reminded her that she still has not made a decision about the realtor which counts now as my 2nd obligatory home sale text. I think my lawyer said I have to say 'pretty please' next time.

I don't care if that's constituted as a reaction out of me.

At least with the graduation I have an out because she has the 2 tickets and she would have to give me one. Unlike 2019, I am not fighting the school for an extra ticket. All family obligations will cease with the passing of his graduation forever.

I really think it's just different for the custodial parent as opposed to the non custodial. Throw in some parent alienation and its no wonder why the non custodial parent just stops caring.

Now I have to hold S18 accountable for his failure to reply to my texts. I used to think his mom was the culprit, however S18 was in Florida for 4 weeks without his mom and that told me he is the issue.

He knew yesterday at 1pm the game plan so why didn't he inform me when he found out his mom was picking him up. At the end of the day its not really a big deal since I already knew the outcome.

However, I'm not extending myself with him for this upcoming week. I'm not going to play the 'I need clothes for graduation' game. Both S18 and his mom have all weekend to get it done for him.

S18 is still very much under his mom's thumb. He definitely would go to live in Florida IMO. He is also not stuck in any middle. He needs to walk away from his mom. That's where he is stuck and maybe conflicted.

I'm off today but my day is kind of being held hostage by a tuxedo now.
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#37: May 21, 2021, 06:11:18 AM
Sounds like xW is playing a game of NIGYYSOB ("Now I Got You, You SOB")

She tells S18 that she will pick him up and then tells you (in her best back of the hand to the forehead voice) that she is tired but will go get him... AFTER you told her you were leaving the venue as S18 told you that she was getting him.... If you had NOT been there or had NOT texted her, she would have probably done it anyway but then pointed out what a rotten jerk you were for letting S18 stand outside and wait... assuming that she picked him up at all.....

S18 sounds (over here in the cheap seats) like he is seriously conflict-avoidant.... He doesn't want to go against Mom but he also doesn't want to disappoint you so he doesn't say anything to you about her changing the plan.....  He'll have to realize that you are not going to be mad at HIM if SHE changes the plan as long as you know ahead of tme - the old "not shooting the messenger" thing.... You can expect that he got the full Monty about what a violently angry and abusive person you are from MommyDearest and Mommy's MommyDearest while he was in FLA....
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#38: May 21, 2021, 07:46:09 AM
Ursas got the game she was playing down.

i was going to say something about the texting.
Most people S18's age have their phone in their hand most of the time..
He needs to reply back to you in a timely manner.
It's called common courtesy.
Even if he isn't sure what's going on

Just : Got your text I can let you know when I do. Or change of plans.

You need more of that attitude. You need not give a crap what anyone thinks, and I mean anybody, she's enough to piss off the pope.
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#39: May 21, 2021, 09:19:28 AM
That was unacceptable regarding pickup and I hope you told your son he should have let you know. In fact, you might want to tell your son that anything regarding him and you needs to go through you. He asks, you say yes or no, if something change you each have responsibility to each other. That he cannot trust if his mom said "The plans have changed, I'm picking you up" that she has told you that. His assumption might have been that you BOTH  agreed to the change.or that YOU wanted the change and she was conveying the message. Normal people can do that, so it's an expected behavior.

You cannot assume your son was told any kind of truth by his mother so that he knew he should tell you. You CAN  explain what the necessary communication style needs to be between you and him. You get to set the terms of engagement with your son, but you need to be clear what they are. He's not a mind reader.
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#40: May 21, 2021, 10:11:03 AM
What a jerk move by the xW on prom night. 

You need to sit that boy down and explain why what he did was really inconsiderate to you. Then you need to tell him he is 18 now and if he needs a ride or help or wants to see you that he needs to contact you directly.  No more monkey in the middle for Watcher.   
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#41: May 21, 2021, 11:07:59 AM
I agree with the others that, as much compassion as you might have for your son living under the heavy swinging pendulum that your xw wields, boundaries matter. In fact it is probably doing him an educational service....very good life lesson about reciprocity and respect. Tbh, I’m surprised you still kept up your tux end of the bargain, Watcher. Not sure I would have done.

It is reasonable that you want no direct communication with your bonkers abusive xw. You have earned your right to be free of crazy s&it. And your sons are now both technically adults, so it is a good time for you to explain to him how a father-son adult relationship works from your POV perhaps. Bc he has graduated now, and the house will soon be sold, and maybe everyone will be living in different places....so life is changing anyway. Which means if he wants a relationship with you, he has to take some ownership for it too. He can agree or not, act that way or not, like it or not....and you will love him regardless....but you have boundaries on what you will or will not do. And I suspect explaining that you are not willing to be an Uber with a no show customer a second time is included lol.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#42: May 21, 2021, 12:30:26 PM
Hi Treasur, Dumbfounded, OffRoad, Init, UrsaMajor.

So I pulled up to the house around 1245pm and S18 was not responding to my texts again. I waited until a little after 100pm and then I went for coffee. I texted his mother and told her that her son failed to comply with the return of his tuxedo at 1pm as he and I had discussed last night and I needed her cooperation.

Within 20 seconds S18 responded to my text messages from today. So S18 knows how to answer his mom when she calls him apparently. Then I blocked her again as I'm not looking for a conversation with her.

We have different phones so not everything she sends to me transfers to my Samsung. So I didn't get the prom photos she sent me and the last time I noticed this issue was for his birthday in March as she must have sent me photos then.

I went back to the house and S18 apologized for not answering my texts. I asked him if he had a good time last night and then I left since I had a 1.5 hour round-trip tuxedo return. The guy at the store asked how everything went and I wanted to answer I have no clue.

Even the other night the salesman mentioned how we were so far from home and I wanted to tell him thats because my xW designed it that way.

S18 blamed the video games as usual for his failure to notice my texts or phone call.

Enjoy your day
Thanks
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#43: May 21, 2021, 02:19:10 PM
Good Lord you must be glad that's over with.Really, there were no tuxedo places closer to where you live except there?
 
Video games huh?

Sorry Watcher, S18 needs to pay attention.
Is all that's left is graduation in regards to him?
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#44: May 21, 2021, 07:07:16 PM
Well Init,

On Tuesday night I felt she sent me to this specific formal wear shop for a reason. To send me a message maybe. IDK. I could be completely wrong with my hypothesis.

She sent me to a LGBTQ formal wear shop which is really just your typical formal wear shop that advertises itself as being in the LGBTQ community.

The store clearly advertises itself as being in the LGBTQ community on its website as I had to Google it and I learned there is even a LGBTQ radio station while I was there on Tuesday which is a typical radio station that plays music. Other than that, its a formal wear shop.

So my first impression was she wanted to tell me something by sending me to that specific store. Again I could be completely wrong but I'm sure there were at least 100 other stores she could have found.

Meanwhile I don't need to know anything. I don't want to know about other men nor other women.

Yes graduation is all that is left but I don't see any need for contact over it.
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#45: May 21, 2021, 07:30:44 PM
Someone mentioned the tickets for that?
Make sure you don't wind up sitting next to her.
I don't have a clue about why it was that shop.
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#46: May 21, 2021, 09:33:39 PM
The shop? Some kind of xw nonsense, as you say who cares if she is trying to send some message? Pshaw! Not your circus etc. The one thing we know is that it would have met her own ends and she wouldn’t care if it was more inconvenient for you bc....well...you know  ::)

I may have been a bit harsh about your son, Watcher. On reflection he has been living in the weird multiple Mommy Empire for a long time. He just needs a bit of guidance on how stuff works in Watcher world (and normal life) :) He’s a smart boy, a mini-Maximus, he’ll get it  :)

But I hope you are not too afraid of losing him to straighten him out when he needs it, Watcher. I understand that you might be, that you might feel you have lost your oldest, that your worst fears when she initially ran with your boys are happening all over again, that your w/xw keeps ‘winning’ with her scorched earth tactics. I can’t imagine how awful that must feel. But the video games excuse was obviously BS....and he needs your guidance on how a decent man behaves towards himself and others. And I honestly think he’ll get it, Watcher, bc - despite everything - you have a strong bond with him and I think he doesn’t want to stay in the Mommy Empire for the rest of his life.

I hope you can take pride in his graduation and feel proud of yourself for every single often incredibly difficult thing you did over the last few years to get your boy to the point of graduation,
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« Last Edit: May 21, 2021, 09:46:25 PM by Treasur »
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#47: May 22, 2021, 01:59:11 AM
Another PS....bc we may not say it enough to you, Watcher, distracted as we are by your legs and ‘mirror work’ lol. I have a tremendous amount of respect and admiration for you. For your grit, for your integrity, for how you came to see the hard wood for the toxic trees, for your courage in facing just how much you have lost which cannot be undone, for the sacrifices you have made as a father and husband and son and nephew and overall damn fine quality human. Are you perfect? No. (Well, other than in the mirror ha ha) Did you make mistakes sometimes led by emotions or sheer disbelief or frustration? Yes. Join the club lol. But you are a damn fine quality man, Watcher, and you may not hear that often enough either here on in RL......x
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#48: May 24, 2021, 12:43:53 PM
It was very hot in the 90's this past weekend and I was able to accumulate 16 miles to keep pace with this running challenge at 135 miles for 29 days. Last week when I attended Kickboxing I ran only 2 miles afterwards so I did not fall that far off the pace and it seemed to work out.

The first 2 Abbott World Major Marathons have lined up nicely with Berlin (2021) and now New York (2022) which just confirmed my selection year.

I'm waiting for Kickboxing class and I noticed she left me texts on Saturday. She is still working on the refi however her mortgage people need my 'cooperation' with giving them my mortgage statement so I will leave that for the attorney to handle now.

I needed her 'cooperation' to return the tuxedo on Friday so she stole my word and sent it back to me on Saturday.

She wants me to purchase S18 graduation attire and she wanted me to do so this past weekend. She even gave me the name of the store, which is another drive, and even suggested I could use coupons to save money.

She has no information about graduation as no one has informed her yet but I have already seen it on the school's website myself. The school only gives out 2 tickets per family and she has the tickets. I'm not asking her for one.

Then she ordered me to take S18 on a vacation. She did not ask me to get bread nor milk which was surprising.

I will wait and see what S18 has to say tomorrow if we see each other for dinner. He did not reach out to me over the weekend.
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#49: May 24, 2021, 06:31:22 PM
So I went to Kickboxing, ran 5 miles afterwards, and I texted S18 about a vacation. Now I'm hesitant because I reserved a vacation in 2017 at a beach house and then she didn't let the boys go with me.

When she let the boys goto Florida this year for 4 weeks that was the first time they were away from her. Then she left S18 home for another week by himself. Now this is the 2nd time she has mentioned I take S18 on a vacation.

Now I already see S18 every other weekend. Meanwhile this is just odd since she had the boys on lockdown until the divorce became final and now she wants me to spend more time with S18. So she is up to something I believe.

However, I think I will just run with the vacation idea and keep the departure date vague until I have him out of the house that particular day.

I was thinking about my 2019 vacation plan that the divorce filing interrupted and S18 liked the idea. We would start in South Dakota and visit Mt Rushmore, the Badlands, Deadwood, Crazy Horse, Custer, etc....then head to Yellowstone. Maybe even the Grand Canyon.

It maybe worth it just to get him away from her for a bit. Pick him up in June for a vacation and just never return him kind of idea. We will talk about it at dinner tomorrow.

Yes I do not like how she is now dumping the graduation attire on me. Its the same old game of hers. The driving lessons were already dumped on me. So if I don't help him then who will. She knows this and that is the problem.

Oh she probably was thinking Jersey Shore, lol, yea lets see what happens when S18 tells her South Dakota and Wyoming. :o

We will see tomorrow. Maybe S18 has some insight as to what this is really about.
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#50: May 24, 2021, 06:47:44 PM
So, dumb question. Could you just take S18 to a store of your choosing to purchase Graduation clothing? Is there something magical about the clothes at the location she specified? (Maybe made from Unicorn manes and tails with Leprechaun gold brocade or something.....). That is assuming you have any desire to purchase Graduation attire. The average kid has something of acceptable nature in their closet. (No one bought me anything new for graduation, High school or College)

Also, another dumb question. Didn't S18 say he wanted to stick with the visitation schedule when he got back? Did I miss where something changed that you were expecting him to contact you? Was he a bozo?

You know, I feel bad for him, just like I feel bad for my own son. It doesn't stop me from laying down the rules (it you do x, then y is the consequences of it). I am constantly amazed at how ignorant my S is of what is around him. We have a massage chair. He asked if he could use it, I said yes, but please put the things on it on my bed (a blanket, some fabric and a box half filled with hangers as I'm changing from Plastic). Everything ended up on the floor. My bed is literally 6 inches from where the hanger box ended up on the floor. So when he was done, I told him he needed to go back in the room and pick up the things on the floor. He could put them on the chair or on the bed. The blanket ended up on the table next to the chair, the fabric on the floor on the other side of the chair and the hangers on the bed. I had to go back out AGAIN, and tell him all three things on the chair or on the bed. That one stuck and it all ended up back in the chair. I could get angry. Maybe it would help. But it's my job to teach him how I want to be treated and that is not by letting him leave stuff all over the floor if I have been clear about my request. If he's that clueless, then he needs my boot in the butt for some guidance. If he isn't, he needs my boot in the butt just because. Just saying. Kids of divorce with a screwed up parent that they live with have it more difficult than most and don't always know what a normal interaction looks like. It's a kindness to teach them how to behave like a non-entitled adult, and a sometimes thankless job.

I hope you make it through graduation with your sanity intact. I think the vacation you are planning, and waiting to mention dates until you have him out of the house and moseying along, is a really fun idea. :)
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#51: May 25, 2021, 01:48:09 PM
S18 texted me this morning and asked if I could buy him clothes for graduation. I know his mom put him up to it.

When she sent the boys to Florida for 4 weeks to stay with their grandparents it wasn't a vacation. They remained indoors and S18 even said she flew them on the cheapest airline.

She chooses to spend her money on herself while always holding out for hope that I will always do the right thing.

Last weekend she wanted me to take S18 shopping and that got me thinking. What if I were in another relationship ? Does she really think I would comply to her texts.

Whenever I stop running then my son's are in serious trouble because I will be looking to settle down, lol.

Meanwhile, Memorial Day Weekend has always been a trigger for her. She needed to know my Summer plans for the boy's and all was lost if I didn't have any. The Summer was dead in the water many years if I hadn't planned anything on Memorial Weekend. Looks like its on her mind again.

This has played out exactly as the 2019 prom and graduation with S21. Remember she discarded me on the morning of S21's graduation so I'm prepared for the sucker punch on Thursday with her not giving me a ticket.

So I'm off to dinner and clothes shopping now.
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Re: BRAND NEW MAN 12
#52: May 25, 2021, 05:18:39 PM
Struck me that she may have sent S21 to FL b/c she knows she cannot finance the house and did not want to be caught flat footed looking for housing for him. Seems that she´s just playing a delaying game on the house. Would not be surprised if she withheld the ticket- people do some strange stuff in the hopes of wreaking emotional havoc on others. Why does he need a graduation outfit if he´ll be wearing a gown?
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#53: May 25, 2021, 06:54:22 PM
Hi OffRoad, FTT.

Well I'm surprised that she shipped S21out, however he was really closer to xMIL, so it makes sense why he would remain in Florida. Yes she is delaying with the house as she continues "to work on the refi".

I have various thoughts on S21. He produces no CS for her so he is expendable. I'm wondering if it was a preemptive move with the notion of moving someone in. IDK if she can refi with a 2nd party/co signer. I think the move would kill her alimony though as that would prove to be cohabitation.

S18 told me tonight that she got rid of the cat. It was a delayed admission. She got rid of the cat while they were in Florida and he was upset about it.

I really don't understand what S18 is getting out of his relationship with his mom. Someone could be living in the house and he would never tell me. The fact he stayed home alone for 1 week and never reached out to me is alarming.

S18 is her CS so she is going to hold onto him until she can no longer benefit from him.

He brought a dress shirt and pants tonight and I also do not see the point since he is wearing a gown. There is no after party due to covid and it will be just him and his mother afterwards.

I feel desperation from her with her latest texts. Then again it could also be her manipulation at play.

I was thinking today how I'm already divorced 5 months but it really doesn't feel so at the same time. Its almost like she is using S18 to keep me glued to her.

Meanwhile she hasn't said one word to me about S21. I only know his whereabouts through S18. I pray she loses the CS and eventually remarries or cohabitates but I really have a strange one.

So I have to add that she now said she is fixing up the house and painting in June and they should be good to go in July if nothing comes through for her.

I wonder what will become of these 2 boys. The selling of the house leaves a pit in my stomach. I need it sold but I'm also losing my son's in the process while doing so.

She has caused so much trauma and destruction for all. I believe she is telling me to take S18 on a vacation because she is going to leave with him. :'(
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« Last Edit: May 25, 2021, 07:09:18 PM by Watcher »

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#54: May 26, 2021, 04:32:03 PM
So today she is asking me to take S18 on a vacation and it sounds like for the first week of June. She listed the dates as (2-2, 6-2, 10) hut hut hike, lol. I have no clue what those dates mean. What calendar is she using ?

She claims she has to paint in order to prep the house for sale and she doesn't want him breathing in the fumes. I have no clue why she would be interested in painting the house since its being sold 'as is'.

So she knows what she is doing and she needs S18 away for some reason. Maybe she will get rid of the dog this time. IDK....Maybe she has someone else who is demanding time from her.

So she would like me to explain to S18 what is about to happen with the home sale. Again I lean to she has a plan or she is going on vacation herself.

She also said S18 will not move to Florida so he has to get used to living with me which is most likely more BS and leads me to believe she is going on vacation.

She seems to text coherently, aside from the dates, and is referencing me by my name. So she knows what she is doing and I will know soon I guess.

Apparently this is a pressing matter and she needs my response ASAP. I guess she takes her painting seriously.

I do have a ticket for tomorrow's graduation as she seems to be excited about it. She says I don't have to pick up S18 this weekend since we are going on vacation which works out for me since Florida really placed us on the wrong weekends with regards to my work.

For example I'm working Friday 2-10pm so I would have to pick him up at midnight. Therefore it would have to wait for Saturday.

So I will talk to S18 and see what he has to offer.
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« Last Edit: May 26, 2021, 05:12:51 PM by Watcher »

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Re: BRAND NEW MAN 12
#55: May 26, 2021, 05:11:06 PM
Something smells rotten in Amsterdam with the paint and dictated vacation.
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Re: BRAND NEW MAN 12
#56: May 26, 2021, 05:36:50 PM
Something smells rotten in Amsterdam with the paint and dictated vacation.

Proceed with caution! 

Why a vacation?  Why not just ask if S18 can stay with you because she is painting?

The inside might be worse than you suspect?  Holes, thrown food, fingerprints?  Will she be able to keep any of the proceeds?
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#57: May 26, 2021, 07:22:13 PM
Hi FTT, Zion.

Yes that is quite suspicious how she specifically mentions a vacation. Why would a vacation matter as opposed to what we do already on the weekends which is go out.

This was our weekend this weekend coming up and it still maybe, so why not paint over the 3 day weekend ? She has specific dates in mind and I just couldn't understand what she sent me. She called it a mini vacation then added those dates which I didn't comprehend.

I had talked to S18 about the last 2 weeks of June. Now I'm using her real time text timeline as I dont necessarily see her texts on those days. On Saturday she was still working on the loan and I wasn't cooperating. Monday night she would be out by July if no one could help her with the mortgage. Meanwhile I found that to be an odd statement as we would be selling a house. No one is putting her out.

Now this afternoon, Wednesday, it sounds like she is definitely preparing to sell the house and I need to talk to S18 about it.

Yes she will receive money from the sale. Now she does have creditors after her, however I'm not sure how that works. If she is given her equity outright then those creditors are never getting paid.

When the boys were in Florida I found myself checking for her texts daily which is quite annoying. I have it back down to every few days as it becomes habit forming so I will see if she has an issue with the vacation dates tomorrow.

I really couldn't plan anything until I actually had S18 out of the house. I even told him on Tuesday night that we probably couldn't plan a flight trip because she changes her mind too much and I would lose the money.

Last night I thought it was desperation and today she is back to wheeling and dealing in manipulation.

She is too happy with texting me at the moment. Yes she is up to no good.

So we will see how the graduation goes tomorrow with the covid protocols. Its a 3 hour ceremony but it sounds like they want you to leave immediately afterwards.
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#58: May 27, 2021, 08:11:31 AM
So today, lol, she tells me she is motivated to sell the house in this market. She was only approved for 100K and her real estate friend says we were low balled on our court appraisal which I agree. So she is in the clouds at the moment as her friend wants to add 180K to the appraised value.

She is fine with the vacation dates. She wanted to be clear that the boys are still attached to her, however they are men now and apparently S18 likes being with me so she is ok with me now.  ::) Oh this is how they exit the tunnel, hahaha. The sunlight must be soooooo bright those first few steps out from the tunnel.  8)

She wants me to keep S18 appointment for his acne issue as she has given up on it and leaves it all to me to figure out now. So she wanted to make sure I still took him to his appointment prior to vacation.

So she sounds like divorce agrees with her and she will remain in the clouds as she is already counting her money.

As a side bar, her female cousin, also sexually abused by the same grandfather, dumped her kids as they turned 18. Her sons bounced around and lived with grandparents, uncles, aunts, etc....They are both the same age and still on that same destructive course. Her cousin probably was a 2012 BD and served as her guiding light.

Then S18 texted me about graduation again so I guess he wants me to show.
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#59: May 27, 2021, 12:19:57 PM
    Thats great he wants you to be there Watcher. It sounds like your wife and my wife should get together and go bowling :).  {Sarcasm}
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#60: May 27, 2021, 04:14:57 PM
Hi Father5.

The graduation went well and 6 years of crisis high school with 2 boys is now complete. I'm beginning to see how this is just life. Our NC is broken periodically and nothing really ever changes. Four years from now S18 will graduate from college and his mom will still be the same person.

I did see S18 afterwards and congratulated him and that is the first time I have been able to see a son at 3 crisis graduations now. I even have a photo. I told him I will see him on Wednesday as we will see each other for a 10 day trip.

He was looking for his mom. Now she did drop him off. So she could have left or she was hiding in the crowd. IDK....

Anyway I went home as I have to work tonight and my mom asked me what xW was wearing. I said, I have no clue. Maybe she wasn't even there.

So she gets on me for leaving S18, who was clear to me, that his mom was taking him home. I'm not going to stand there and wait for his mom, who may well have been waiting for me to leave.

People are so big on telling other people on how they should act divorced. XW and I do not want to see each other. We are not going to pretend. We are divorced. We are not going to be friends nor acquaintances.  We are done.

I didn't file for 4 years because I knew how I was going to be divorced and I plan on being divorced now. She maybe texting me lately but we have zero interest in seeing each other.

My mom is baffled. Well its not her divorce. If my son wants to wait for his mother than that's his prerogative. Its really none of my business if his mom attended the graduation or not and why the eff would I care to know what she was wearing.

There is no after party. We are not going to dinner. That life is over. She told me after the prom and again today that I should just give S18 up. She has severe control issues and I told her so.

She is also another one who likes to dump her divorced parents childhood trauma onto me.
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#61: May 27, 2021, 06:09:18 PM

People are so big on telling other people on how they should act divorced.
I think you sometimes misunderstand what people mean. Divorce has zero to do with going to your son's graduation. That is between you and your son and what you choose to do. That your XW happens to be there doesn't amount to a hill of beans unless you choose to let it affect you. My ex was at my D's college graduation. It SUCKED beyond measure that he was there. I CHOSE to go to the after graduation dinner, sit far away from the crazy, and let him be whatever he was and not talk to him. She separated off to talk to him around the time to leave and since we traveled together I went back to the car and waited for her to be done. And I did it for my D and she came back to me two years after and told me she knew how hard that was for me and that she appreciated it so much. . It had zero to do with "how to be divorced". I could not have cared less what XH was, did said, anything. It had everything to do with being there for my D, I don't care if Godzilla was at the table.  Worth every miserable second for me. Someone else's mileage may vary. Did it for S's High School graduation, too.

I know I, as a mother, don't understand some of your reactions to what your son does. It doesn't make me or you right, wrong or indifferent. It means, for instance,  I do not understand leaving a child who is not driving themselves alone when they don't know where their ride is. It doesn't matter that the ride is your XW (or Godzilla), it matters that your SON doesn't know where his ride is. I don't leave my friends that way, either, I make sure their ride picks them up or they get into their car safely when they leave my house.  It's foreign for me to leave someone I care about without making sure they are as safe as they can be when we part company and they are somewhere that is not home.  Your son does not  know where his ride (mom) is, and you are talking about how to be divorced. That doesn't track for me so it's confusing. What does making sure your son has his ride and is safe got to do with acting divorced?

Quote
My mom is baffled. Well its not her divorce. If my son wants to wait for his mother than that's his prerogative. Its really none of my business if his mom attended the graduation or not and why the eff would I care to know what she was wearing.
You see, this is a strange sentence to me. Is your mom baffled that you left your son when he didn't know where his ride was? I can see that, but it has nothing to do with how you act divorced. How you act divorced is separate from how you act as a father (at least it is to me, hence my confusion). Is she baffled because you didn't know/care what your wife was wearing? Now, that I can see being a WTF and why would it matter and it might or might not have something to do with how you behave when you are divorced. When things get mixed in the sentences, I don't always understand what you mean. I sure don't have any context for why your mother would say to "give up S18". That is beyond nonsensical. For what random reason would that be?  So you can see, from out here, it's sometimes confusing.

I am glad you were there for S18 for his graduation. I hope you also went for yourself, to see your son finish his High School years. Being a parent is joy and sorrow and everything in between. You missed so much, I hope you get to enjoy what you have. I wouldn't trade my experiences with my kids for anything, including having never experienced this whole MLC mess.

I wish you joy, Watcher. Sell the house, move towards some well deserved joy. The abs and legs are a bonus.
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Re: BRAND NEW MAN 12
#62: May 27, 2021, 07:45:26 PM
Watcher I am so glad you got to go to your sons graduation.  I know you would never leave him stranded....and he knows that too.  His mother was there.  She was just testing you.  Good for you, you didn't take the bait and called her bluff.

You can't let your mom get to you, she is just being an over protective  grandma..I can relate, but she really should have more faith in you, as a decent father.  Chill out momma!

I truly hope you guys have a great get-a-way.  Your S18 and you will have a blast together!

I'm also glad you are taking your son to a reputable Dermatologist and not some goofy witch doctor of her choosing.  I bet he/she will put him on some good antibiotics to help clear his skin up.  It sure helped me with teenage acne....along with a prescription Vitamin A....and the sun does help too.

Nothing like a little tan to clear up the skin.  Must be the good old Vitamin D.

 
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#63: May 27, 2021, 08:28:04 PM
Hi Thunder, OffRoad

Well the prom and graduation are school functions and if S18 tells me he is going home with his mother then that means he is going home with his mother in my book.

I do not need to make a visual confirmation that his mother is in attendance. I also didn't feel that it was necessary to confirm it with her as I did with the prom. Today it ended at 5pm compared to a prom that finished at 11pm.

There was no after party because of covid and I certainly would not go out to dinner with her and S18 alone. I was humiliated at the previous 2 graduations and I didn't want to goto this one. Yea it's no fun being on the non custodial/parental alienated side of the house.

I gave S18 a hug at this graduation. I couldn't even approach the boys at S18 8th grade graduation nor S21 high school graduation. I was excluded from those after parties.

Oh 6 years of parental alienation does not just go away. I have been a physical parent for 17 weeks, then the boys went away to Florida for 4 weeks, and now a physical parent 2 weeks again. So I have had S18 a total of 19 weeks to myself in 6 years. So maybe it will take me some time to adjust to being a parent now and not just a guy who paid bills and could only see his kids inside their home under surveillance.

We do not text nor talk on the phone as I can't force him. We see each other on our days and today he looked stressed when he saw me afterwards. I mean he just exited the Church, picked up his belongings and was already stressed because he hasn't seen his parents together in 2 years IMO.

So I think about my son. It may appear that I'm aloof. Maybe some people don't see it from his perspective. He individually gets along fine with each of his parents. However, he doesn't want to see them together. He posed for a quick picture but he didn't want to get caught was my impression. I see his face. Thats what people don't get to see. He had concern.

So I did my part and I left to alleviate his concern.

Maybe his mom didn't want to see me. Maybe she was hiding in the crowd just praying I would leave. I knew I was praying in the Church that I didn't want her sitting next to me. So a bunch of stress to go around for all I would think.

Only parents were invited and everyone sat as a couple per covid rules btw. OMG.
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#64: May 28, 2021, 10:35:27 AM
I am glad you got to go to your S18's graduation and get a picture with him.

He is 18.  He has a phone. I am sure he was good to go and if he wasn't he would have let you know.   

Enjoy your 10 day trip!!

 
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#65: May 28, 2021, 03:33:45 PM
Good for you Watcher after what you've been through. Nope no fake  "happy family" scenes.

If you ever can attend something family related and ignore her? Possibly. It's just way too soon to do that. That's most likely many years down the road.

I can understand where your coming from. Who would want to be in the same vicinity / room with her? I don't mean to offend  anyone, but you have been through way more than infidelity.

She's an lying abusive controlling manipulator and doesn't deserve to be anywhere in close proximity to you. You showed  compassion for way to long. She kept playing games and reel you in and discard you. Compassion for her didn't make any difference, so now it's time to have some compassion for you. And that comes with NC, and giving yourself the time to heal.
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« Last Edit: May 28, 2021, 04:29:30 PM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#66: May 28, 2021, 11:13:00 PM
I suspect it must be difficult sometimes detaching your (understandable) feelings about interacting with your xw from your feelings about spending time with your son, Watcher. I hope that gets easier.

I’m with init. Perhaps bc I am not a parent, I saw nothing wrong with how you handled the graduation event or your son’s ride home. As init said, he has a phone and it was not 3 am and he’s a young adult.

In fact, I was cheering for you bc from the cheap seats, let alone your more knowledgable one, it felt like another instance of your xw doing a metaphorical Lucy setting up the ball again. She has a pretty solid track record of control and manipulation and game playing now....it makes sense that even we onlookers are suspicious of her intentions, let alone you. Ha ha...But this time Charlie Brown said ‘nope’ and walked away  :) good for you.

It sounds as if you are well past the time too when living in your own space independently with rather less of your own family’s opinions might be a fine thing. Any glimmer of light on when you might be able to do that?  I’m not sure I always agree with Thunder on the ‘grandma’ POV tbh...and of course your family may know some but not all of the abuse you have survived over the last few years, to be fair....but you are a grown man trying to rebuild a good life after the one you had was put through an insane mincer. And that wasn’t your fault or your choice, was it? It seems rather unfair to also hold you responsible for some of the pretty inevitable fallout effects of that, things that are simply not in your control. You can only do your best on your side of the street, after all. That’s all any of us can do. And sometimes that in itself is hard enough, right?

I hope that your father/son vacation goes well, that you have fun and can relax into it with a longer patch of time together. I hope too that your xw does not use it as a chance to do some more crazy s$it that causes practical problems for you....but if she does, you’ll figure something out, Watcher. My best guess is that you are at the 24 mile mark or so on the xw marathon  :)....you’ll get to the finish line bc you always do, right?
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« Last Edit: May 29, 2021, 12:23:17 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
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#67: May 29, 2021, 03:19:37 AM
Hi Dumbfounded, Init, Treasur.

I thought the graduation went well. Now I did arrive early so those 45 minutes prior to the ceremony in the Church were long. I claimed my seating early as I know she always runs late.

If she had sat next to me then it would have been awkward until the ceremony started. The 2nd awkward phase was when I found S18 outside after the ceremony concluded. She wasn't there at the moment so it made it easier for me.

Now I did catch S18 returning from this student section that was set up outside a school where he was retrieving his gift package so it worked out well.

Everyone was wearing masks and the school was clear that this was not your traditional hanging around event.

She is most definitely not interested in me. She needed me to rent the tuxedo for the prom and then again to purchase clothes for graduation. That was it.

She had her reasons for why she wanted me to attend the graduation. Other than that her texts have revolved around the house issue.

She asked me to take S18 on vacation, I agreed, and thats been the last I've heard from her.

Oh yes, my family is pushing me away as they live and die on every moment regarding one of the boys. They want the faucet to flow freely and I don't think its going to work that way and I have to believe its similar to how one reconnects with their MLCer.

So her and I are not reconnecting as I want that to be clear but our texts were reconnecting in a way, lol. Like I had to learn how to respond to her on issues regarding S18 in this case.

So my mom asked me what xW was wearing while I was just happy to have survived the graduation without seeing her. We are coming from different places. I'm at a slow drip, lol.

I was thinking how S18 has lost me, then his grandparents, and now his brother and the cat, which is just heinous IMO. The cat was a rescue and hid in their home for weeks until he felt safe with the 2 boys.

Her parents did the same thing to her regarding her cat when she was 16-18 yrs old. She came home one day and he was just gone. So is it a coincidence or is this more of her life just repeating itself.

Well all I can do is just focus on our vacation as her actions are leaving me to believe that S18 maybe on the chopping block soon along with the dog.

She was intoxicated with the thoughts of an extra 180K from the house sale that was sold to her by her real estate friend. IDK. Every indicator is showing that she wants to be more than just maritally single at the moment.

Thanks
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#68: May 29, 2021, 03:49:21 AM
Treasur That's a great analogy of Charlie Brown and Lucy. That's how an abusive cycle works. You think it might be different this time. Nope, it's the same thing all over again.

 The devalue stage might get shorter before the next discard then you start to see a pattern. It's difficult to see it if you get caught up in one.

Once you have finally had enough that's when you end it.  Done, done, done.
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There are two ways of spreading light:
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Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#69: May 31, 2021, 07:55:33 AM
Watcher,

I am so glad you got to go to graduation. It is very important for your son, even if it doesn't look like it now! I went to my son's university graduation with his father (not together in the same car). We sat together  and then went out to a bar later. It was awkward, yes -but I feel important  to him.

My son was so tense that he only told us on the day that he was to graduate. I think he wanted to avoid having to invite the ow.

I hope the vacation goes well, sounds like fun!

Who knows what goes on in the head of your xw? It doesn't really matter does it? FIngers crossed that the sale of the house goes well and the dog is saved. You might end up getting s18 and the dog!

I wish you peace in the upcoming settlement on the house. I would also avoid being in the same place as her at the moment.
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#70: May 31, 2021, 07:28:26 PM
Congrats on your son graduating.  I know that it was up in the air for a bit, so definitely a momentous occasion to be celebrating.  I'm glad that you did not have to have any awkward moments with your xw, as it's very early and definitely seems to make both you and your son anxious.

I hope that if you guys go on vacation together, that you have a great time!
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#71: June 01, 2021, 04:58:43 PM
Hi FaithWalker, Mitzpah, Init.

So tonight was Tuesday night dinner and I had the same issues from S18 all day with no text replies until I pulled up in front of his house.

His mother pulled into the driveway and waited in her car. When he exited the house she asked him if he were leaving tonight. He replied no. She called him over to her car and he slammed my car door shut as he went to talk to her.

So as we drove away I did explain to S18 that it appears that his mom is trying to cooperate, so maybe it would be better to just go over and answer her questions next time without the attitude.

He wanted to leave for vacation on Friday night. I had planned for tomorrow night but either day was fine with me. After dinner he decided that he would discuss the departure date with his mom.

By the time I returned home S18 had already texted me that his mom would be dropping him off to me tomorrow at 11am. Apparently she has people coming over to work on the house early. I really don't believe her but whatever.

We have his dermatologist appointment tomorrow and she has been asking him a lot of questions about who I am taking him to. I told him she will try to talk him out of it eventually.

She does have a suitcase for him and she either approved of the 2 vacation spots as she decided on tomorrow or she just really needs him gone. Saturday is the main vacation spot at 8 days. I only added an additional 3 night excursion to fit the dates she needed me to take him starting tomorrow.

He did not receive his diploma and I told him it would be resolved soon and he really didn't need it at the moment. His mom did goto the graduation and I showed him the video I took of it.

So we will see what happens as things can always change with her.

Thanks

So she was confused and wanted to know which one of us was confusing her. I replied to her that ,yes, her and I agreed on Wednesday, however, S18 wanted to leave on Friday, so I asked S18 to discuss the departure matter with you.

So she is still dropping him off to me tomorrow apparently at the moment.

And we finished, so far, by playing the thank you game. Thanks Watcher, thank you his mom, no thank you Watcher, lol.

Oh she also said that she cannot have uncertainty.   :o
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« Last Edit: June 01, 2021, 06:01:29 PM by Watcher »

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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#72: June 01, 2021, 06:17:02 PM
Is there any chance that S18 might come back to find all of his belongings gone or packed up or the like? Could he be concerned about that and wants to make sure he's got everything important with him when he comes to go on vacation? I know I'd be super paranoid if I were him since both his cat and brother have been disappeared.
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Re: BRAND NEW MAN 12
#73: June 01, 2021, 06:41:02 PM
I'm confused Watcher.  Why not just tell her you will take him to his appointment, but NO you will pick him up on Friday for the vacation?

This is not her decision, or S18s, but yours.
Guess I'm confused why she has anything to say about it, but maybe I'm not understanding.
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Re: BRAND NEW MAN 12
#74: June 01, 2021, 07:00:56 PM
NO is ok to say.   ::)
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#75: June 01, 2021, 08:12:48 PM
Thunder, his mom and I had already agreed to Wednesday last week. S18 changed the pickup date tonight to Friday and thats why I said he had to clear it with his mom.

She then texted me and said S18 told her I changed the pickup date to Friday. So its him. His mom and I had already agreed I would take him June 2-12.

Yes OffRoad, she is preparing to sell the house so I imagine she is going to empty it and that is why she wants both of the boys away. She also asked me to take my computer as per the MSA.

She had an issue with ants and she had the property and house treated so it looks like she is really getting it ready for the market.
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#76: June 01, 2021, 08:17:53 PM
No is okay to say..make sure you use it when you need too
SHE cant have any uncertainty? Lmao that's rich!
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There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#77: June 02, 2021, 02:18:41 AM
Wasn't "uncertainty" her middle name?" Or is it just that she can't handle uncertainty when she doesn't create it herself?  ::)

Sounds again as if S18 is a bit conflict-avoidant and is telling the parent that he is talking to what he thinks they want to hear... That usually does NOT end well...  Assuming that she was telling YOU the truth about S18 saying that you changed the pick up date... and that is always a bit questionable... Blame shifting is an MLC Specialty...

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A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#78: June 02, 2021, 10:18:38 AM
No uncertainty - oh that's funny.

   
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Married 1998
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H filed for D - July 24, 2017
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“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#79: June 02, 2021, 01:00:41 PM
That's the problem when you get a three people involved. One could be saying something trying to keep the peace, another could be saying something to try to throw someone else under the bus and another one might be lying.

That's why its important to cut the one who might be lying out of any of the communication between two parties. It cuts down the confusion when two people communicate honestly. 

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There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#80: June 02, 2021, 01:04:46 PM
I can understand S18 wanting to have a date of his choosing. It sounds like no one consulted him when the adults decided when he was to leave the house where his belongings may or may not be when he returns. If he was straight with you, Watcher, as in he wanted to leave on Friday, that sounds like a reasonable request. If it is ok with you, who cares what she says anyway, right? 

I feel so bad for your S18. His life is so turned upside down, his mother has just thrown him out of the house and likely before he was ready. I hope you both have a nice and enjoyable trip.
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#81: June 02, 2021, 03:47:11 PM
Hi OffRoad, Init, Dumbfounded, UrsaMajor.

Well this morning she arrived as scheduled and I felt she was dumping him off and not dropping him off as she drove away. That was the first time she ever dropped him off. He had my Mac with him. Again I have not asked her for it.

I don't know why she has had such a turnaround regarding the home sale. My attorney has not even sent her a letter nor has any action been taken against her. We were to discuss the selection of a realtor. That's all.

I talked to S18 and prepared him that he will most likely be returning to an empty home and he said he knows. We will still be leaving on Friday as I asked him today what he would like to do.

We went to his dermatologist appointment today and he seemed encouraged as they will have him on a 5 month plan. I scheduled an appointment for lab work in 2 weeks and then back to the dermatologist in 1 month.

He told the Dr. he has had this problem for 6 years and he wants it to finally go away with an aggressive approach.

He had no suitcase with him so I guess we will be buying clothes as we go along as there is no way he will have enough to wear with what he brought. We weren't able to get his bike because she dropped him off and we are not going back to the house.

So we have to do some shopping anyway for supplies and food as we are staying on the east coast.
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#82: June 02, 2021, 06:19:19 PM
Try to spin this with him Watcher as a blessing in disguise. Ten days of his life he doesn't have to spend with her. Tough stuff for an 18 year old. Or maybe he'll be relived to be away from her.
If you discuss what things you want to do maybe let him call some of the shots on vacay that way he may feel a bit more secure and in control of something.
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There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#83: June 03, 2021, 07:57:56 AM
Hi Init.

Yesterday was my first doctor visit in years. Maybe 2013. So it was a bit odd using her medical insurance with my contact information. The receptionist didn't ask any questions so I guess I was just viewed as the parent. I think I passed as one anyway.

Their mom had already been phasing me out of their lives as early as 2012. You know, I never left the house alone with our sons so its always an odd feeling. Yes I was allowed in the yard with them. Well under her supervision from the window, lol.

Going to the doctor seems like a grown up's responsibility. After Tuesday night my mom asked how on earth I lasted so long being married to her.

The doctor had questions for S18 and one had to do with had he ever been to see a psychiatrist which he responded no. So when we were having lunch afterwards he began to vent about his IC and how his mom and grandmother would try to have him take medication which he refused.

He also blasted the IC for allowing S21 to give up on life. The IC would always tell S21 if he didn't want to do x, y, or z, then he didn't have to. So the IC basically enabled the behavior of S21 who needed motivation and encouragement.

Well I was thinking yesterday that I am under no obligation to give him back to his mother on any specific timeline. So I'm hoping S18 will want an additional week, month, 10 more years, lol.

I went to work today and its raining. Meanwhile my mom and sister have this big lunch operation going on so S18 must still be asleep and apparently they both do not know how to order his food. I think they may crack under the lunch pressure. Texts and phone calls while I was writing about his lunch order.

Today is day #40 of running and I cannot wait until this challenge is over as this will be my last one. It kind of places life on hold with all this running. I have run 177 of the 289 miles so far and overall I have roughly 260 miles on the year.

I will probably finish at 750 miles this year and I just can't wait to have off days again. I cannot goto Kickboxing as I really can't find the time to fit it in until I get this challenge done.

Enjoy your day everyone
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« Last Edit: June 03, 2021, 08:03:29 AM by Watcher »

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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#84: June 03, 2021, 09:13:05 AM
Well whatever you do try not to take on any guilt that this was your fault. People choose to abuse.
And yep your Mom in wondering how you lasted so long being married to her..she can see it now.

Its just a big whew! You aren't anymore.Try not to walk down memory lane too much. You may see other things you may have done that enabled her behavior. I ended up pretty mad at myself quite a few times. I'm was just trying to keep the peace, by doing that I enabled some ,but not all, of the behavior. The abuse was never my fault.

And that's what they try to do, is get whoever isn't following their orders etc. They flip it to you are the one who needs to take medicine. They act like its care or concern, its not.

It's just so they don't have to admit somethings wrong with them and the meds can also make you easier to abuse and manipulate.

Good for S18 telling them no to taking medicine
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There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#85: June 04, 2021, 08:35:24 PM
Today was day #3. I worked a half day today and S18 was up when I returned home at noon. So I would say the past 3 days were more realistic with me working, running and ensuring he had food and water.

The dermatologist was after me on Wednesday and Thursday so I had to leave a note for myself to call her back this morning with some missing information.

Tomorrow we are finally getting away. I'm not quite sure why we stayed put for 3 days but that was his choice. His laptop usage seems to be a bit obsessive, but then again, maybe he is just a typical teenager.
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#86: June 05, 2021, 07:06:11 AM
I'd say pretty typical, as is night owl tendencies then sleeping half the day.
Also usually a whole lot of snack and food consumption.
Its okay he didn't want to leave right away. It's good you let him decide that.
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There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#87: June 05, 2021, 06:21:32 PM
Today S18 contacted his mom right before we were set to leave as he had forgotten his retainers and asked if we could stop by to pick them up at the house since it was on our way.

His mom said no and so we had to wait for her to drop the retainers off to S18. His mom has not contacted him since she dropped him off on Wednesday.

He places such an emphasis on his 3 meals a day when he is with me so I asked him today if he gets 3 meals a day at home and he said no.

We rented a house at the beach and we had a late check-in. We went food shopping and he pretty much knows what he wants to pick out. He eats free range chicken apparently.

We did get dinner afterwards however he does not feel comfortable eating in a restaurant as he is not vaccinated and that is fine with me.

This is my 2nd weekend with S18 since his return from Florida and he is just not the same. He is too conditioned ,I believe, to go straight to his bedroom and log onto his laptop. This could be his 6 year coping mechanism.

It was 95 degrees today and there was traffic, lol. After dinner I went for a 5 mile run as the weather was just beautiful as the temps had dropped a bit by 730pm.

I guess I will just go slow with him this week as this is really the first time we have been alone together.

We have vacationed here before as a family with 2016 being our last visit but he does not remember.

So we will see tomorrow.
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#88: June 05, 2021, 06:28:48 PM
Watcher -
Great that you're having time with S18 again.
As you're doing - just take it slow and let him lead.
It seems that you're taking great care of him and giving him what he enjoys.
My teenager (S19) also spends a lot of time on his laptop, and I think that's a coping mechanism.
His therapist has brought that up, and I think he's aware of it.
Enjoy your run and warmer temperatures.
Enjoy your time with S18.
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Re: BRAND NEW MAN 12
#89: June 05, 2021, 07:36:17 PM
I guess I kind of disagree.

I think you son desperately needs some adult leadership that he can trust and has not had with his mother who never cared enough to show him the way.
He has never been able to lead anything in his life.

Being his father you can lead him much better by laying out his choices and explaining the consequences for those choices for him.

Sometimes kids need to learn by not making the right choice.  Lessons learned make a much better impact on them.
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« Last Edit: June 06, 2021, 03:08:23 AM by Thunder »
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#90: June 05, 2021, 10:57:27 PM
Agree with Thunder on this one I must admit.
Keep going and doing you, Watcher. I suspect your son has been living for so long in such a weird situation that he needs decompression time to adjust from that to something more normal. I hope that bit by bit he tunes in to mini-Watcher holiday mode.

I suspect, of course as you probably do, that your xw is up to something, that she didn’t want you to see if you dropped by the house to pick up the retainers...plus of course she loves those control games  ::). I’m sure that you are bracing yourself for the next bit of drama....but whatever she is up to Watcher you have dealt with much worse and you will deal with that too. So I hope you can put that to one side and just enjoy your vacation and your time with your son. X
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#91: June 06, 2021, 11:08:04 AM
I just had a horrible thought regarding the house. There is no way she can sell it without you, right? But can she rack up debt against it to "fix it up", possibly skimming off the top for her own needs, then come back and call it mutual debt to sell the house when you never agreed to it?

As to your S, I have only my own S to compare to. My S uses his computer to escape. In his computer world, he can be king. In real world, he's "nothing". Has no control over much of anything and no idea how to navigate it. It takes nearly a month after he returns home for him to start behaving like a normal human, including doing his laundry. I have to continually ask him to perform a standard task, like getting his plate into the dishwasher. He's usually almost a normal human being by the time he leaves, and next time he comes home, it starts all over. My opinion is because he lives with his father, and that is what he has as a role model when gone.

Take your son out, show him new things he can see and do that he is capale of and will make him feel like he matters to someone, including himself. He will come back one day and thank you for it.

I'd like to hear about any cool things you see. I'm always up for a scenic drive.
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#92: June 06, 2021, 11:24:43 AM
I like the Watcher-logues too  :)
Nice to hear about some places I have never visited but might be able to see someday  :)
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#93: June 06, 2021, 12:19:32 PM
Watcher, Perhaps you don't need us chipping in with these motherly pieces of advice. However, I think like Thunder - your son(s) have been without your input for a while. They don't really know what it is like to live with both parents, sharing parenting - not only financially, but in a real shoulder to shoulder way of bearing the burden.

There is nothing wrong with imprinting your parenting stamp. The way teenagers eat, spend their time and communicate with their parents. If their mother expects things one way, you can very well teach him to respect you and your opinions on certain things in another way, without disrespecting or upsetting things for his mother. The key here is to respect the bond he has with his mother.

This is just my opinion based on sharing my late teens/young adults with their father.
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#94: June 07, 2021, 01:40:19 AM
Hi Watcher,

For what it is worth.....

Both my S14 and D10 spend an inordinate amount of time making their eyeballs rectangular (staring at a screen) when they are at xW's, whether it is TV, PC or mobile. When they are with me, that time is significantly curtailed as I have them out with me walking the dog or we go places and hike/walk around - something to get them out of the house and off the screens... For D10, it is a bit like an addiction as she does NOT settle down to being a couch potato when she goes back to xW's on Sunday after being active for a few hours. She wants input and xW is not capable of doing that in her depressive, MLC state of living.

So, S18's PC time is, as others have called it, a bit of an escape and a bit of a coping mechanism to replace the "absent adult" in his life.  He will likely come around over time when he realizes that you are not there to make his life miserable and he doesn't need to hide away from you... After all, you aren't going to go throwing irons at him or anything...
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#95: June 07, 2021, 09:53:37 AM
I have to laugh everytime you say that S doesn't text you back.  It is a constant battle at our house... constantly glued to the screens but yet not able to return message from teachers, parents, family, etc. Teenagers.

Your S lives in a very unstable world where people and things disappear for no reason without notice and who knows what is happening with the house and his things right now.  He must be very anxious having no job, or drivers license or input...just kind of bobbing along in the current never knowing what is around the next bend.  It is no wonder he is spending a lot of time escaping into his PC.

But you have lived in that environment and are the best person to understand what he is going through right now.           
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#96: June 07, 2021, 06:46:44 PM
Hi Seahorse, Thunder, Treasur, OffRoad, Mitzpah, UrsaMajor, Dumbfounded.

Well the last 2 days have run smoothly. S18 woke up ready to go on Sunday and I let him know ahead of time that I would have to wake him up this morning as we had an early start.

Yesterday we started the day with buying S18 clothes. He either doesn't pack properly or his mom hasn't brought him clothes. In fairness I guess I haven't brought him Summer clothes myself in quite sometime. He thought he could get by with one pair of socks. He really needed shirts and shorts.

Afterwards we stopped for lunch and then went to a lighthouse where we took a nature walk. I wouldn't classify it as a hike.

We had dinner at home as I grilled outside. Hmm, preparing dinner is really time consuming, lol. S18 ate an entire London Broil which is a pretty big piece of meat. After dinner I was able to run 5 miles and he was eating 10 taquitos when I returned. So I cannot keep pace with his eating.

Today we went kayaking and I exhausted his shoulders. The first 6 miles , I know, were down with the flow of river. He kept crashing into debris so IDK if he was really feeling it. I did warn him the 7th mile was across open lake and he had to work for it as the wind and water flow pushes one back towards the river.

So he slept on the bus ride back to our car, lol. He did see the red bellied turtle but it was the lone one as the animals were not out today in the heat.

We returned home as kayaking was pretty much all day for the time consuming dinner preparation. Tonight he had 4 grilled chicken breasts but opted for the taquitos while he waited.

After dinner I ran my 5 miles. I'm trying to see how it would be like if we actually lived together. We have breakfast and dinner at home. Lunch is on the road. We found these really good mandarins which are slightly better than clementine's. He only snacks on fruit with Gala apples and banana's being his other choices.

Now I'm doing laundry at 930pm, lol. I would love to have him full time but I don't think he is ready to leave his mom yet as he talked about her yesterday at dinner.

Today was day 44 of my running challenge and I cannot wait until day 62 and the finish line on June 25th. We are not waking up early tomorrow. I don't anticipate any issues from S18 as he seems to be on board the past 2 days. We are in uncharted territory at 6 days now. OMG, 6 days in a row.

Have a good night
Thanks
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#97: June 07, 2021, 11:39:21 PM
OK, I need someone to come by and clean up the coffee I just spit EVERYWHERE....

Quote from: Watcher
He thought he could get by with one pair of socks. He really needed shirts and shorts.

You mean I have 4 more YEARS (at least) of this to deal with?


S14 is with me 3-4 days per week and if there is ONE pair of underwear and ONE pair of socks in the laundry when he leaves, it was a rousing success even if I nag him about it....


S14 DOES, at least, shower regularly (like every 2nd day if not every day) so that is a plus....

Quote from: Dumbfounded
I have to laugh every time you say that S doesn't text you back.  It is a constant battle at our house... constantly glued to the screens but yet not able to return message from teachers, parents, family, etc. Teenagers.

EXACTLY! Heaven forbid that YOU take time to reply to them but they can reply to you whenever... maybe... if they feel like it...
Teenagers - Can't live with 'em and you can't hang 'em by their toes from the ceiling fan either...
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#98: June 08, 2021, 02:03:40 AM
Yep..food. Have fun keeping him fed. ;D
 A 6 mile kayak trip? Jeez Watcher he's young but don't you think you could start out gradually and work up to a work out like that?
What did he say about his mother?
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At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

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You want a partner not a project.

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#99: June 08, 2021, 05:38:27 AM
I smiled when I read about feeding your boy....  18 seems to be peak "hollow leg" :).

My boys seemed to inhale the contents of the refrigerator in one go at that point; my food bills were astronomical.  I also remember my brother at that age drinking literally a gallon of milk a day; my mother says that when he went to college her food bills dropped by two-thirds...

And he exercises as well!  So that's more food needed   :)

The lovely thing is, it's all normal!
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#100: June 08, 2021, 08:19:53 AM

Today was day 44 of my running challenge and I cannot wait until day 62 and the finish line on June 25th.


I can't even imagine!!  I plan 2 runs a week, a couple 15 mile bike rides and some lifting at the gym and if I get that all in I'm think I'm a superstar! 

I'll be cheering for you at day 62 - way to go! 
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#101: June 08, 2021, 10:14:58 AM
We have a rule at our house. There is absolutely no eating while groceries are being unloaded and put away. There is a reason for this rule.   

Sounds like some pretty typical teenager stuff happening.  Enjoy!! 
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#102: June 08, 2021, 01:53:38 PM
Hi Dumbfounded, Stillbaffled, TrustandLove, Init, UrsaMajor.

Well last night I was laying down to sleep and I noticed S18 standing at my door. So I asked, what's up ? He replied, my armpits stink, I forgot my deodorant. So he made it through 6 days without deodorant before he tapped out.

He has a little kayak sunburn from yesterday on his thighs and forearms. Nothing too bad but he has been complaining today.

We went to a wildlife refuge today where we hiked. We are on the coast so the hiking is flat. Today's featured animals were the Osprey, White Herron and Red Winged Blackbird.

We were attacked by flies today so that added to his crankyness. Thunderstorms are rolling in now and hopefully it will drop our temps a bit.

He did enjoy the kayaking yesterday which was roughly 3 hours and 36 minutes of paddling. He is a bit stubborn when it comes to hydrating. I did have our lunch prepared the night before so we stopped and ate along one of the beach areas. Usually I'm just a power bar and banana if by myself.

The last 2 days we had a bit of driving to get to our destinations which is part of the experience. Today we stayed a little closer to the house.

So dinner and then I have to run after the thunderstorm. I have acquired enough coloring myself. Tomorrow maybe an ocean kayak which is a bit shorter at 2 hours. I was going to take him whale watching but he is worried about getting boat sick.

He really is into observing wildlife so the lack of turtles was a bit disappointing yesterday. We saw a massive bird yesterday while kayaking. Big like a swan but this one had gray on its wings. We also spotted a bald eagle in flight on Sunday which we have never seen.

Enjoy your day

Thanks
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#103: June 09, 2021, 06:23:44 PM
We had bad thunderstorms last night so I had to make up 5 miles this morning and it was rough going on an empty stomach. Yea I didn't like that run at all.

S18 was ready as usual to leave at 10am and I didn't have to say a word to him. The only day I had to wake him up early was for kayaking since we had an appointment.

He chose the beach and boardwalk today and we also went to an aquarium and played miniature golf. The boys used to sword fight when they were younger with the golf clubs and I really had no patience. Yep its been that long.

There was a group of teenagers playing ahead of us and I was surprised he wanted to be seen with his dad. Most of our adventures are in marshes, or the woods, or the mountains. LOL, usually there are no people around.

We had our usual lunch and he mentioned he had been there before with his mom and brother. He does bring his mom up which is fine. I usually bring S21 up and pondered at what point he would have thrown in the towel kayaking on the river the other day.

S18 was hitting me with "are we there yet" the other day kayaking. "Does any of this look familiar to you", lol. I told him no one was coming for us. We had to finish it.

His friends must have been texting him today as he kept looking at his phone. We had to go food shopping again today to replenish our food. The refrigerator is really bare because his eating is so regimented.

Every morning he has 2-3 bowls of Cheerios. He eats broccoli and carrots with every dinner. He snacks on mandarins throughout the day. Yes I really dont have to buy anything else outside of those parameters.

He also eats mashed potatoes but I wasn't making them again tonight. I was able to run today's 5 mile requirement right before dinner and the storms arrived. I ran much better having food in my system.

Today was chicken breast, only 3, but he did have a plate of taquitos while I was running. We have dinner at the table which is so odd because all of our covid dinner nights have been in my car.

The storms were really bad tonight and I was just able to retrieve the chicken from the grill in time.

He would play on that computer all day long if he could IMO. We are not really discussing anything. IDK if we need to discuss anything. We kind of just talk about the day at hand.

Laundry, of course, to close out the night, lol, and we start again tomorrow.
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#104: June 10, 2021, 06:51:35 PM
Everyday S18 wakes up and he asks, where are we going today. Sometimes I think I am boring him to death as we are not really going to exciting places, lol.

We went hiking today to a state park which was an old cranberry farm. He does ask a lot of questions while we are out so that leads me to believe he enjoys being out in nature.

When we went kayaking on Monday we were fortunate to have the guide who is the ecologist. She was very good with S18.

So today he remembered a few things she had said as he noticed the Spotted Turtle which has yellow dots and the pitcher plant which is coniferous. He remembered she called it the venus fly trap.

He took out his phone to Google the red dragon fly he saw and took it out again to take a photo of a frog that crossed our path. So he does show interest.

The ecologist also pointed out how the forests are covered in wild blueberry plants and they are beginning to flower. IDK, I equate blueberry plants by the thousands to black bears.

So the water source for the cranberry farm was a damned lake. Water would be released into the cranberry bog. Then the damn on the other end of the bog would be lifted to release the water when needed. It was all downhill from the lake so it was pretty simple engineering.

So we kept to our routine with returning home for dinner. Tonight we were back to London Broil. He had his usual Taquitos while I went to run 5 miles before dinner. This is a microwavable type of food which he is used to preparing at home.

I did ask him if he ate all these size portions at home and he said he usually has pasta because his mom is always home late.

I've been eating according to his schedule so I can see how he can finish off so much at dinner.
 He strictly adheres to meals with hardly any snacking. Meanwhile I need some serious sugar, like an oreo cookie or ice cream. So I know I definitely have lost weight as I've noticed my skin tightening up.

Neither one of us has had any contact with his mom. The original plan was to have him through June 12th but I am ready to invoke the Finders Keepers, Losers Weepers clause in our MSA if she doesn't reach out for him.  ::)

Its difficult listening to him talk at times because it doesn't sound so good at home. I still don't think he views me as an option yet. Meanwhile I cannot even imagine what he is thinking about his home life.

His father was put out of the house while his mother remained in the house. It maybe that simple. Hopefully the house will go soon. Its a safe haven but its a dysfunctional safe haven.

So we shall see what happens tomorrow. Tomorrow is 🐔.
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#105: June 11, 2021, 01:28:47 AM


Yum! Chimkin!
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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#106: June 12, 2021, 05:39:03 AM
Hello,

Quote
Hopefully the house will go soon. Its a safe haven but its a dysfunctional safe haven.

Could not have said this better myself. I hope that you do get to spend more time with your son. What's interesting is that even though you have been out of the house for so many years how both of you are the same in so many ways.

Quote
Every morning he has 2-3 bowls of Cheerios. He eats broccoli and carrots with every dinner. He snacks on mandarins throughout the day. Yes I really dont have to buy anything else outside of those parameters.

He sticks to a very good diet. I am really impressed because I was sure mom was a diet of microwave and cheap sugar and flour dishes that are not expensive or difficult to make.

Dad on the other hand,

Quote
We had bad thunderstorms last night so I had to make up 5 miles this morning and it was rough going on an empty stomach. Yea I didn't like that run at all.

The only person that would know that you skipped the 5 miles is you, but I know that if you skipped it, it would bother you for weeks. LOL Both of you seems to have solid systems of self accountability and that is not a bad thing.

Quote
The original plan was to have him through June 12th but I am ready to invoke the Finders Keepers, Losers Weepers clause in our MSA if she doesn't reach out for him.

I would do it even if she does reach out for him. Now you've got the son, get yourself a place to live, get a dog, and get a girlfriend. There doesn't have to be any order in your tasks. Make a list and check off each box. This is going to be a very busy summer for you. LOL

Have a great weekend,

((((Ready))))


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#107: June 12, 2021, 10:21:46 AM
The original plan was to have him through June 12th but I am ready to invoke the Finders Keepers, Losers Weepers clause in our MSA if she doesn't reach out for him.  ::)
That sounds like a clause that could be handy.  ;) Isn't possession 9/10ths of the law or some such thing? 

Your S sounds like mine regarding mandarins. Seems to be the snack of choice these days. He'll go through a bag in just a few days unless there are peaches around. Nice to know the youngsters can make good choices.
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#108: June 12, 2021, 03:30:03 PM
Hi UrsaMajor, Readytofixmyselffirst, OffRoad.

LOL Ready, oh I cannot rest if I skip a run day. It will eat at me until I run it. This challenge is a numbers game. Everyday is 5 miles. If you miss a day then you are in the negative. I really do not like running everyday and most days I would rather not do it. Those are my just get it done days and stop your whining. Its almost June 25th and then I will take a week off from running and then I will find myself bored so the vicious cycle repeats, lol.

Yesterday we went on 2 hikes for a total of 7 miles so my thighs were really sore running last night in a cold/rainy 60 degrees. I will be switching to long runs in July. Maybe twice a week with one additional short run.

So today was day 11 with S18 and he has now returned home to his mother.  :-\ That is a new record for consecutive days with 4 days being the previous title holder. That was Gettysburg in April 2019.

As of last night he had not heard from his mother so I told him he could just stay with me until she reached out. Afterall she needed him gone to supposedly work on the house. He did mention last night that he was worried about the dog.

We went on 2 hikes yesterday in the rain. The first was 4 miles in the morning. We went to lunch and he asked about doing a second one in the afternoon.

This morning we had reservations to go kayaking. On the drive his mother texted him and asked if he would be home today. This was the return date her and I had discussed anyway. So he asked me how he should respond.

I asked him what he wanted to do. Initially I had wanted to return him on Monday because I have to take him to get lab work done. He said he wanted to go home and I replied that was fine. I told him to tell his mom he would be home at 5pm.

Kayaking was a lot more enjoyable today at 70 degrees. This course was a bit shorter at 2 hours since the other packages were sold out. S18 had his fill of turtles 🐢 as they were out along the banks sunbathing. This one was a 3 mile course.

We paddled 7 miles on Monday and that may have been a bit long for him. So I had him out in nature for 8 consecutive days and he seemed to respond to it positively as I left him plenty of time to do his own thing (computer) in the evening.

 Its important he keeps his doctor appointment on Monday so all I can do is offer to drive him to it. If he misses it then its on him.

His mother was not home when we arrived of course. She left a door unlocked for him and every window open. She had a large high school banner on the front lawn that is from S21 and the 2019 school year. I know I buried that in the shed so that means she emptied it out.

She loves to advertise to the public. Meanwhile our son still has no diploma because she hasn't paid her tuition. I was annoyed for a bit as I looked at the manicured lawn all of a sudden. Yep I need that house to be sold. Its starting to annoy me.

Its also little moments like this where I just shake my head with S18. He is rushing home for an empty house ? Ok, maybe he misses his mom. IDK....

That lawn banner is not even the name of the school anymore. It changed names in 2019, lol.

Enjoy your day

Thank you
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#109: June 13, 2021, 11:46:30 PM
Hmmmm ... Rushing back to an empty house...



Maybe concerned about the dog?

But still... ... I hear the clock ticking in your favor though.... It is a matter of (yep< I'm going to say that 4-letter word) - TIME
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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#110: June 14, 2021, 06:01:39 AM
Hi UrsaMajor,

Well I was thinking after I dropped him off at home on Saturday how this is just going to be a life long issue for both of the boys. First he checked under the front doormat to see if his mom had left him a key. Then he discovered the side door was left unlocked.

I don't believe she was asking him to come home on Saturday as she was just checking to see if he was coming home on that day.

His mother was manipulative with the vacation idea IMO and I really don't care as I wanted to take advantage of the opportunity.

She was also manipulative with the driving lessons as she has left it on me to figure out. However, S18 has asked me for help with both the driving lessons and his acne issue so I am happy to aid him on both endeavors.

However, being a custodial parent comes with responsibilities and child support payments are not free money for that parent. So I will be cautious moving forward with how I spend my money. I'm not going to be the "custodial parent" in absentia because the court system has no backbone and they have specific gender roles for men and women when it comes to divorce.

Furthermore I'm not going to embolden S18's mom into thinking she can get me to spend ,as if, we were still married.

Even my mom said over the weekend how I really need to think about taking S18 full time as that would be a great responsibility. LOL, thats her ingrained gender bias. Oh, but pay your support money Watcher, hahahaha.

Over the weekend there was a story about a dad in Virginia who dumped 80,000 pennies on his ex W front lawn as his final child support payment. I know nothing about the story nor his history but I can understand why he did it, lol.

Today we have a doctor's appointment so we will see how it goes.

Enjoy your day

Thanks
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#111: June 14, 2021, 06:19:06 AM
The bigger question is whether or not Mommy-Dearest actually showed up or was S18 left alone in the house... I guess you'll find that out today, right?

And the fact that an 18-year-old doesn't have a key to the place where he supposedly lives is beyond the pale... <facepalm>
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#112: June 14, 2021, 03:19:48 PM
I am glad that you and your S had that vacation time together, making memories.

I hope the Dr appointment goes well
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#113: June 14, 2021, 05:51:29 PM
Hi UrsaMajor, FaithWalker.

This morning S18 was ready to go as he set his alarm but he did ask if we could go to an earlier appointment next time as he was hungry because he had to fast.

Afterwards we went to lunch and then I returned him home. So maybe 3 hours total. His mom was leaving as we arrived at the house and she is playing that running away from me game that she has done for years now at different times.

I knew she avoided me at the graduation and today was no different which is fine since I really have nothing to say to her. IMO she doesn't want to talk about the home sale.

She did initially say she was preparing the house in June so I will wait a couple more weeks before I ask her the status.

S18 entered through the side door which he will just leave unlocked when he leaves with me since "we live in a good neighborhood dad". ::)

I did ask S18 only 1 question about the house. I asked him if there were any changes. He said 2 rooms were painted and everything is still inside the house as she removed nothing. So I left it alone and didn't pry. He said nothing about the dog.

She was parked down the road so she was just waiting for me to leave which I did.

I asked S18 if he still wanted to goto dinner tomorrow night because its Tuesday and he said yes, which surprised me because I thought he would want a break, lol.

I ran 5 miles, day 51, and then went to Kickboxing since I was off from work today.

So she had 2 rooms painted and I guess that is progress. I'm not breathing down her neck about this sale. I've only asked her twice to research some realtors since May 3rd.

She was super excited to get it sold around May 24th but now she is all crickets about it. Again she did say she was prepping it for sale during June. So we will see soon I guess. Or not. Her avoidance today maybe a bad omen, lol.

Thanks
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#114: June 15, 2021, 10:09:44 AM
She needed 10 days to paint two rooms?  ???

I am anxiously awaiting news of the doggie. I was concerned she wouldn't make it through 10 days with your Xwife.   
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#115: June 15, 2021, 08:13:10 PM
Hi Dumbfounded,

Well the dog still resides in the home as I asked S18 at dinner about her. However, his mother is complaining about the dog. So I advised him to take the dog outside around 9pm and to remove her water for the night after doing so.

She refuses to buy dog pads. IDK... His mom was home when I picked S18 up and not there when I returned him so he entered through the unlocked side door.

S18 is staying home this weekend. Now my mom is on my back about it being Father's Day, however I last saw my sons on that day in 2014 so its really not an issue for me.

We went to our first restaurant tonight and actually sat at a table. He was eyeing the most expensive steak at first but then opted for a rack of ribs. I think he was hungry because he devoured the Caesar salad and he never eats salad.

I told him that we will have to do lunch next Tuesday as I have to work at night. So it looks like he wants to keep the every other weekend/every Tuesday dinner schedule.

Oh he interrupted my post. So he left his graduation gifts (cash) and he was asking me if I saw it. So I replied I could either give it to him next Tuesday or I could drop it off sooner if he needed it.

It can never be straight forward. You would think I could just drop it off but it has to be orchestrated to avoid his mom and maybe her wrath.

We had a very strange conversation about dog pee pads as she really will not allow them in the house. Like don't get any ideas dad. I did get the impression from that discussion that she is angry with me again.

Yesterday he had to fast for the labwork. So he thought that also meant don't drink any water which affected his blood being drawn. So I don't believe he discussed the appointment with his mom.

Have a good night

Thanks
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« Last Edit: June 15, 2021, 08:29:20 PM by Watcher »

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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#116: June 16, 2021, 05:26:16 PM
So this morning she texted me at 6am and said she wanted to contact the realtor who sold us the house. I waited 12 hours to reply.

I finally told her that was fine with me ,as long as, the realtor knew that the home was going to be sold in "as is" condition since neither one of us has any money to put into it.

Reallistically I've been out of the home for 6 years now and I find it rather odd that I'm stuck selling this house with her. Oh maybe this is how the reconnection will begin.  ::) Two disgruntled divorcees united in their disgust with the legal system.

So my reply opened pandora's 📦, lol. First she agreed with me about the "as is" condition. Then she continued and told me she was informed by someone about all these repairs she had to make in order to sell it and she said, no way, since she doesn't have the money to fix it.

So then I had to laugh as I found this part rather cute. Oh your right Watcher, there's no rush to sell it, hahahaha. As if, I ever said that, lol.

So IDK how to get rid of x Mrs Watcher. 😕 She is sort of stuck in more than one tunnel.

So I think she is a bit deflated as there is going to be no windfall as she imagined. She does have to spend some money on repairs.

Now I didn't feel like explaining anything to her but if I talked to a realtor I would simply say, this is a divorce and neither one of us is putting a dime into this house. Just sell it. However, she needs equity from the sale in order to find someplace to live whereas, I just want enough to cover my mortgage balance.

I went to Kickboxing today and then ran 5 miles on day 53. OMG, 9 more days and I can't wait for it to be over.

So IDK.....
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Re: BRAND NEW MAN 12
#117: June 16, 2021, 06:08:26 PM
Oh my gosh Watcher I personally would cut that off right away.  Where did she get that idea from?

That is not what you said!  You said just sell it "as is"!
You did not say there is no rush.  You want it sold now so find a realtor who will do that.....and let me know.
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Re: BRAND NEW MAN 12
#118: June 16, 2021, 06:41:45 PM
Crazy making since you have known for months that she could not afford to take it on solo. So, it was just a delay maneuver. If you´re willing to take the dog, you might just get S18 as a package deal:)

Thankfully the market is good and you´re in the right real estate season.
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#119: June 16, 2021, 08:01:42 PM
It is a Seller’s market out there!! Get that bad boy listed. Someone will take it “as is” out of desperation these days.
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#120: June 18, 2021, 08:56:42 PM
Hi Thunder, FTT, Dumbfounded.

Today was a long day of sitting in traffic as its really getting worse by the day. I talked to the dermatologist and then I texted S18 as she wants another lab test before our next visit.

Afterwards I ran my 5 miles and there were 2 texts when I returned to the car. I saw her text first. She was letting me know that S18 wanted a video game and "unfortunately I don't have any extra money" Watcher. "S18 says he has bday money at your house. I can pick it up or you can drop it off. Thanks".

Then I read S18 text which actually was sent prior to hers and he was just asking me when I would be able to drop off his graduation gift money so he could buy a game.

So I replied that I would drop it off and S18 was home alone as usual when I arrived. I will talk to him on Tuesday as this really was not a situation where his mom needed to be involved. I have no clue why she was involved but I'm sure S18 will tell me.

That was it for them. I had a longer post but I'm falling asleep.

Have a good night

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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#121: June 19, 2021, 07:35:10 AM
I was talking to my divorced co worker yesterday and we were trading stories about our ex's. He just recently married his GF so I don't believe he is considered divorced anymore.

I would say his GAL was the opposite of mine. He was already a marathon runner while married and his wife leaving him had the opposite affect on him. He no longer runs.

We were talking about the Berlin Marathon and he was telling me how my life is so much better without her. He advises to tackle the marathon first then plan to sightsee afterwards.

I've also been reading many running articles and they all advise the same. Arrive 2-3 days before the marathon and save your legs.

I remember running my first day on a cold April 2018 morning and my lungs were on fire, lol. Who knew that would lead me to Berlin and hopefully London and Tokyo. When I thought about his comment I would have to say it would be impossible to have her back in my life.

Now the texts don't bother me anymore but I am still amazed how she has been the same person for 6 years now. Maybe there are not that many reconciliations because these people simply do not change. Meanwhile, I compromised a lot of myself in marriage and I wouldn't be willing to do so again.

So he is right on that count. He said, just think about where you would be today if she were still in your life. Yes thats a very scary thought.

So I went from coughing up my lungs on that cold April 2018 morning to this crazy notion that I'm going to run and complete the 6 Abbott World Major Marathons.  ::) Berlin looks like a go for September and I have NYC in Nov 2022 scheduled.

Chicago and Tokyo lotteries are relatively the same with a 43% chance of winning an entry. London is similar to Berlin around 17%. Thats kind of why I have to run Berlin anyway and not put it off because what are the odds I would win the lottery again. Boston is the hardest entry and that will be saved for last.

I was also reading there is a 7 Continent Club which is even more exclusive than the Abbott World Majors Club and I was like WTF. What else do I have to do ? So I would have to add Australia, Africa, South America and the Antarctic for that one.  ::)

I just started taking this turmeric with curcumin which is supposed to aid the joints. I think I am developing arthritis in my one ankle. It flares up occasionally in the morning with bone on bone pain and the ankle kind of needs to snap like one would with a knuckle. However, it sort of has to snap out of it on its own.

Hi I'm Watcher, my wife left me in 2015 and now I will be running through the Brandenburg Gate in September, lol.  ;D
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#122: June 19, 2021, 07:59:10 AM
Hi I'm Watcher, my wife left me in 2015 and now I will be running through the Brandenburg Gate in September, lol.  ;D

Hi Watcher,

Your story gives me hope as I am moving forward with my life since my W left me this past year.  Keep running and being the light for your boys. 

HF
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#123: June 19, 2021, 09:48:26 AM

Hi I'm Watcher, my wife left me in 2015 and now I will be running through the Brandenburg Gate in September, lol.  ;D
Way to go, Watcher.  You need a T-shirt. I'll be cheering you on.

As a thought for your ankle, you might try researching Tart Cherry in case it's a uric crystal issue. That helps my knee like nothing else. Doesn't do a thing for my ankle but that was set incorrectly after I broke it many moons ago, so while both hurt, differing reasons.
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#124: June 20, 2021, 05:50:43 PM
I also will be cheering you on even though it's virtual! 

I have four 5Ks scheduled over the next 6 months but that's just peanuts compared to your running world!  I remain in awe of your abilities.  MyBrainIsBroken was another fabulous runner that always impressed me.  Keep up the excellent work. 

I agree with DF - it's a seller's market right now (at least where I live).  Get that albatross listed!
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#125: June 21, 2021, 09:55:15 AM
Hi HeavenlyFocus, OffRoad, Stillbaffled.

Yesterday I went for a run along the D@R Canal as I haven't been there much this year. The Cicada were out in force. So I ran 6 miles in really bad humidity which left my clothes 30 lbs heavier by being just drenched. I also ran this morning in humidity so I'm down to 4 more days thank goodness.

Yesterday I walked 4 miles after my run to explore the world of the Brood X Cicada as they were everywhere. I haven't noticed them at the marital home this year. I either missed it or I was reading where they do migrate so its possible they went elsewhere after emerging in 2004.

This is only my 2nd time noticing the Brood X clan. We didn't have these 17 yr emergence Cicada where I grew up. The canal also has a great turtle population with a yellow underbelly. I was reading where they are found along the Delaware River and Raritan River and thus the canal which connects both.

I also saw the Blue Herron in flight which is really amazing to see with its wingspan.

I didn't hear from either son yesterday but I didn't expect to since Father's Day hasn't been mentioned since 2014.

I have to think that even if one is reconnecting with their former spouse or spouse then everything is just not going to fall into place on any timeline.

So yesterday really didn't bother me because I'm going to see S18 tomorrow for lunch and we have now had 6 months of being together.

My first return to a race is July 4th. I also have a 5 miler and 10K in September before the marathon. I think March 2020 was my last live race so I'm interested to see my pace on the 4th as its much different while running with other people.

Enjoy your day

Thanks
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#126: June 23, 2021, 06:46:06 AM
Yesterday morning I went for a run and I just want it to end at this point. Now this challenge did serve its purpose as I joined it on April 25th and the 2 boys were in Florida but now its just hard to find the time.

Afterwards I met S18 for lunch. He mentioned he has been handling the dog well and I forgot to mention that I did see her last Friday when I dropped off S18's graduation gift money. We do have plans to see each other this weekend but I informed him that I will have to pick him up at 10pm on Friday since I am working.

We are on the wrong weekends since Florida and I would have to skip 2 in a row to get back on the right schedule. He still likes this every other weekend routine.

Then I went to work and sat in horrendous traffic as usual. While sitting in traffic I began to ponder how I would have had no time for a woman yesterday, lol. Then I began to think where on earth would I ever find time, lol. Eventually I did breathe.

So I look forward to going back to Kickboxing next week and running less.

Enjoy your day everyone
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#127: June 23, 2021, 10:10:29 AM
This is exactly why I don't date. I don't understand how I would find the time to devote to another new person.  I am thinking that three Tuesdays from now for a few hours is not going to work for most people looking for a relationship.   
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#128: June 25, 2021, 11:59:06 AM
Hi Dumbfounded,

Yes thats what I've been thinking as I sit in traffic all week long. Most of our time is spent at work or with family. It leaves very little time to focus on a new relationship.

So this morning I finished off this running challenge and have run 371 miles so far in 2021. I'm 200 miles off of last year's pace but I didn't set any running goals this year other than focusing on the marathon.

The most memorable run was during a hailstorm with the ice blowing sideways. I started it on April 25th when life was a bit more chaotic with the 2 boys in Florida and it ends on June 25th with life being a bit calmer at the moment.

I can rest now until July 4th and my 4 mile organized race. Then I have to spend July and August working on my long running to prepare for the Berlin Marathon on September 26th and the New Jersey Marathon on October 17th.

I was reading today where London Marathon is 100 days away and so I had to do the math and Berlin is only 93 days away.

I'm supposed to pick up S18 tonight after work and spend the weekend with him so we will see how it goes.

Enjoy your day everyone.
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#129: June 25, 2021, 09:26:56 PM
I picked up S18 at 9pm after work and had to wait a bit for him to get ready. Of course his mom arrived home while I was waiting but it was dark and we didn't see each other. All the lights were on at the house so I knew she had been home earlier.

S18 handed me a Father's Day card as he entered my car. It had an interesting thank you message and I'm not quite sure S18 wrote it but I'm not asking him any questions about it.

S18 did receive a piece of mail from the dermatologist that I have been waiting for and his mom thought it was a bill and told him she had no money, lol. He explained to her that I would be covering all the non reimbursed expenses.

She does pay for the medical insurance so we don't need to split this 50/50 as is stated in the MSA. She didn't throw out the mail so thats a positive. Anyway he needs to get this addressed finally and we don't need any resistance from her.

So she seems to be cooperating as I thought she would have an issue with me arriving at 9pm. Driving home part of me was like, oh crap, I really don't want to cooperate for the next 4 years.

I view everything she does as manipulation because I know she needs to stay in the house.

Have a good night
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#130: June 27, 2021, 07:22:34 PM
Uneventful weekend. We had a combination of teenage noon wake-up with thunderstorms yesterday and just all kinds of hot today. So S18 wanted to stay home yesterday and I kind of agreed as kayaking and hiking were not possible with the threat of the storms.

Anyway I was tired myself as I had a long week at work and I just finished that running challenge. However, staying home is not for me so next time I will have to wake him up on the Saturday portion of his stay.

Today he practiced driving which is our usual Sunday routine. He ate his usual 3 meals each day and he stayed tonight until he was ready to leave around 830pm. His mom was home when I dropped him off.

We have dinner on Tuesday night and I think he is picking a sit down restaurant. Meanwhile we have doctor appointments on Wednesday and Friday. I have to call the driving school tomorrow but I believe they pick him up directly from his house for the lessons.

We have some brutal heat currently so it looks like I picked a good time to take a break from running. So it will be back to Kickboxing this week.

Have a good night
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#131: June 29, 2021, 07:37:47 PM
Tonight S18 and I had dinner at a Mexican restaurant. I don't believe he knew what to order so I sold him on Fajitas. He was surprised by the presentation as his food came out on a hot skillet while still smoking.

It's little moments like this where I think how he really hasn't done much in 6 years. He went from 12 to 18 and its really unbelievable that I had to get a divorce in order to see him.

He was talkative tonight and he usually is during our dinner nights. Tomorrow he has a doctor appointment so I think he is going to eat again most likely afterwards. His driving school starts next week.

I ordered him a duffle bag and it arrived today so I gave it to him and I don't believe he has ever seen one. He was excited about it though as it will make life a bit easier for when he travels with either me or his mom.

Prior to meeting S18 for dinner I was walking to my car when this woman pulled up next to me. Well first I had my NYC scowl face on as she was too close to me with her car. Yea thats the negative about working in NYC. I usually lead with WTF, LOL.....

Anyway this poor woman told me this harrowing tale about how her GPS was malfunctioning and she needed help finding her way.

As a side bar, I did look good because I was going to dinner as I didn't want to embarrass S18 since I usually dress like a gym rat. Meanwhile it was like 110 degrees out.

Anyway, I let this poor lost soul know that I also had a phone and we could figure out how to send her back on the correct path.  ::) She patiently waited while I retrieved the phone from my car. I gather she wasn't worried about me, lol.

Now I did mansplain a bit too much as I told her she had to circle the block since she was on a one way street but I don't believe it bothered her, eventhough, she did seem to challenge my circle around the block advice.

So I told her once she circled the block and got back on the main road she just needed to proceed straight until she needed to make a right turn. She then made me spell out the name of the street. Well I did keep my composure as I felt she was now womansplaining to me in 110 degrees heat.

So she thanked me as I sent her back on her correct path. Here I was just innocently 😇 about to leave to goto dinner and this woman's malfunctioning GPS clearly sent her to me, lol.

Helping lost women to find their way one day at a time.  ;)

So I have been doing research on the Berlin Marathon as I need to start preparing. So far I cannot find any direct flights to Berlin. Do I really need to stop over in France ? The only non stop flights seem to go to Frankfurt.

I learned that ATM machines produce Euros. Well I hope I read that correctly anyway. My biggest stress is logistics and not the race. Getting to my hotel, finding Euros, using the trains to get around, etc....

The Expo is over 3 days and I have to pick up my race bib at the old Berlin Tempelhof Airport. Oh they make it seem like using those trains are going to be so easy. So I have to pick it up on Thursday or Friday prior to the race.

On that Saturday there is a 6K breakfast run that starts at Charlottenburg Palace and finishes inside the Berlin Olympianstadion which was the sight of the 1936 Olympics. Pretty cool. People traditionally run in their nation's colors for this slow pace run.

I'm staying in Charlottenburg while in Berlin so the race starts right outside my hotel basically. Then there is a pasta dinner that Saturday night.

I made mistakes planning for Philadelphia so I have made improvements this time around for this marathon, however I'm sure there will be huge logistical issues for me.

I think I'm going to divide my time between Berlin and Munich. My coworker keeps pushing me to goto Munich but she is a woman who went with her GF's, so I think she had a different experience.

Today was day 3 of no running. This is the period where I have no interest in running at all. I even question why I am running this marathon, lol. I went back to kickboxing yesterday and my abs are screaming 😱 because I am out of shape.

Have a good night everyone
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#132: June 30, 2021, 01:08:38 AM
Most flights from the US to Germany directly come into Frankfurt. It is the largest airport in Europe in terms of size (it was an alternate emergency landing spot for the space shuttle in case something went wrong during the ascent phase - they also used to land B-52's here).  There are a couple of Washington (Dulles) - Frankfurt flights daily and I think a few from Newark and Boston but none are non-stop to Berlin... You have to change somewhere - either Brussels, Munich, Frankfurt.....

Yes, ATM's here spit out Euro notes instead of dollars... <snort>

And the trains (public transport) in Berlin is really pretty good and (mostly)  on time so it shouldn't be a huge issue...
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#133: June 30, 2021, 04:27:27 PM
LOL UrsaMajor,

Yes I was shocked to learn atm's dispense Euro's. I am getting so lost on this trip, lol. Part of me says head to Berlin first and address the marathon. I'm always anxious about the bib pickup. Philadelphia mailed my race packet so I didn't have to attend their expo. I also didn't know about their pasta dinner the night before which is a typical marathon tradition.

This time around I'm trying to prepare properly by attending the expo and having the pasta dinner.

There is so much that I want to see and I have to accept that I will not be able to fit it all in. If I goto Frankfurt then I can take the train to Heidelberg. Oh I am going to be so disappointed if I find a Walmart next to Schloss Heidelberg.

Then I could also take the train to see Cologne Cathedral. Then head to Berlin for the race.

Rothenberg ob der Tauber seems like a pain to get to from Frankfurt by train as it looks like 3.5 hours which makes no sense. That must be some slow a$$ train right there. It seems like it is better to attempt it from Munich.

Heidelberg and Rothenberg ob der Tauber are must 👀.

Fussen is also accessible from Munich with Neuschwanstein Castle, Hohenschwangau Castle and Lechfall.

IDK, it would seem silly just to goto Germany for the marathon and nothing else. So I have to figure things out as there is just too much to see.

Today I picked up S18 for his doctor appointment and he had to fast. Meanwhile they were late in taking us so he was extra hungry afterwards. I'm going to need a part time job just to feed him.

We went out for breakfast and he had the hungry man breakfast, lol. They might as well call it the hungry fasting man breakfast. 3 eggs, hash browns, ham, sausage, bacon and pancakes. Initially he was looking at the T-bone steak and eggs.

I saw him for 3 hours and then went to kickboxing. So I will see him on Friday for his next appointment as he is eager to get underway with the dermatologist.

I also picked up my bib for a July 4th race which I first ran in 2019. Its been a long time since I actually have run a race. Thunderstorms will be arriving tonight to finally break this 100 degree weather.

Enjoy your day everyone

Thanks UrsaMajor
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#134: June 30, 2021, 05:50:09 PM
How much time will you have in Germany, Watcher? Can you take a few extra days, maybe?

Today I picked up S18 for his doctor appointment and he had to fast. Meanwhile they were late in taking us so he was extra hungry afterwards. I'm going to need a part time job just to feed him.
I hear this. With my own S22 home for summer, my grocery bill has tripled. I have no idea where he puts it all, but mandarins? A bag gone in three days....
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#135: June 30, 2021, 08:00:08 PM
Hi OffRoad,

Well the other part of me says, look, this crazy running idea that I started in 2018 has led me to Germany, via a lottery winning, so take advantage of this opportunity and approach it as a once in a lifetime type of trip, especially since, London and Tokyo are now my next objectives and the odds are I won't be returning to Germany anytime soon.

So at a minimum I think I should go for at least 2 weeks with Frankfurt, Berlin and Munich being my base of operations. The Bavaria region alone probably needs 7-10 days by itself.

I would then sandwich the marathon in the middle. I love history and nature and there is just so much of it to see.

Now I am apprehensive because I will be traveling by myself and I have no clue where I am going but I am sure I will be comfortable and confidant with each passing day once I find success using the train. I'm also apprehensive about finding food, lol.

Cologne Cathedral, Brandenburg Gate, Heidelberg Castle and Neuschwanstein Castle are like national treasures in Germany and must see's apparently. Rothenberg ob de Tauber is a medieval town and its just gorgeous. Oh I also better not see any Walmart's there, lol.

Berlin has too many sites to mention and I really don't know much about Munich as I'm more attracted to the surrounding areas, like Nuremberg, Regensburg, Bamberg.

See now I have found this place called Trier with Roman ruins. This is why I have to stop researching, lol.

As for S18, he is 6'1 and 170 lbs so IDK where he puts the food. I'm 6'2 and 3/4 apparently at 218 lbs so he is much smaller than me but he has muscular definition in his legs and chest I've noticed. Like the nurse at my physical just couldn't say 6'3 I guess.

He really focuses on his 3 meals a day and only eats fruit as a snack and drinks water. So he is pretty disciplined that way. He just consumes a lot of food during his meals and he may just save his heavy eating for when we go out. His mom does feed him but he gets to eat different types of food with me. That's all I mean.

Have a good night

Thanks OffRoad
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#136: July 01, 2021, 12:40:09 AM
OK, as your local LBS on the ground in Germany.....

Trier is ok. It is a pretty city and there are some Roman ruins there but it doesn't take all that long to see everything (did it in an afternoon). You [i[could[/i] do a "tour"where you hit Heidelburg for a day (the castle is nice there too), then to Cologne, then Trier as a side trip from Cologne. There are also a couple of really cool castles along the Rhein (Burg Rheinfels for one).

I have never made it to Rothenberg for exactly the reason you describe - it is a bit difficult to get to. The train (depending on where your starting point is) is what the Germans call a "Bummelzug" or Regional Bahn meaning it stops in every little village along the way but it will take you through some nice scenery - same if you go along the Rhein between Frankfurt and Cologne instead of taking the high-speed train.

Nürnburg is .... well ... it's a city. They have a famous Christmas Market but you won't be here at that time of year and the central market place is really quite attractive....

Bamberg is a lovely little town - been there with xW years ago.

In and around the Munich area are LOTS of things to see (Neuschwanstein is just one of them). Nürnburg is about 45 minutes away from Munich so not that far. The ICE Sprinter (the fast train) takes about 3 hrs, 30 minutes from Frankfurt to Munich and around 7 (I think - never done it) from Munich to Berlin

You won't find a Wally-World that I know of anywhere. Berlin COULD be an exception ... The closest you will see is the German version of a CostCo or Sams'Club called "Metro" or "Selgros" but those are, just like CostCo, membership stores so ... and they are usually located on the outskirts of places. You will see the occasional Ikea though...

I don't think you'l have any problem finding enough things to eat unless you are really picky but don't EVEN think about going to a supermarket (or any other retail place) on a Sunday - they are all closed... except at the airports or main train stations. Restaurants, bars, gas stations, etc., are open Sundays though in virtually all larger towns and cities and even in the smaller towns, there will be a restaurant or two open usually

That's the short version of the LBS Guide to Germany. Depending on how long you are in Frankfurt, we can meet up for a real beer or something! I am about 25 minutes south of the airport
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#137: July 01, 2021, 06:02:42 PM
Hi UrsaMajor,

Well I spent my day at work learning German train schedules. ::) So it appears one is encouraged to buy their tickets ahead of time and print them out at home or download the app to your phone. So now I understand it somewhat. I'm not clear on # of transfers. Does that mean the train just makes a stop ? Thats how I interpret it. I'm taking like 10 trains and its still far cheaper than renting a car.

Yes, Rothenberg is driving me crazy. I have tried multiple approaches and they are all 3-4 hours by train, lol. I'm ready to give up on Rothenberg but everything I read says I have to visit it, lol. Its 3 hours from Bamberg. How on earth is that possible ?

So I booked 4 nights in Frankfurt today to start my trip. Oh yes we can meet up.  :) I plan on visiting Heidelberg and Cologne via Frankfurt as they are short train distances. I did see that Frankfurt has a cool looking red sandstone Cathedral and a nice Old Town Romerberg section. I also like the Opera House, Eschenheim Tower, The Hauptwache. All nice architecture.

From Frankfurt I'm taking the train to Berlin for the Marathon. I already have my reservation booked for Berlin so my 1st 8 or 9 days are set.

I would love to goto Dresden afterwards and take a guided tour to Saxon and Switzerland National Park as its just incredible but I think I have to pass on it or I will up spending 3 weeks in Germany if I choose to visit it, lol. So thats a floating option at the moment on the back burner. If I'm inspired enough then I will just do it. I am the LBS afterall   ::).

So if I pass on Dresden then I will goto Bamberg from Berlin. While at Bamberg I will attempt the day trip to Rothenberg as that is the best option at 2hrs and 53 minutes. Oh this better be worth it, lol.

From Bamberg (2 nights) I'm going to Regensburg (2 nights) then to Munich. So they are pushing the Marienplatz in Munich as a must see and I know its known for Octoberfest but I don't see much more that appeals to me yet. I will still look.

At Munich I have to figure out how to approach Fussen. I know their are guided tours from Munich to Neuschwanstein Castle and that maybe my best option.

At some point I'm making my way back to Frankfurt but I haven't figured that out yet as Dresden can force me to extend the trip. I mean Frauenkirche and Bruhl's Terrace look amazing.

LOL, Sanssouci Palace in Potsdam is also calling me. Yea I really see this inching towards 3 weeks, but that one is also on the backburner and it is tied to the Dresden decision.

So I have 2 phases all set. I have to make a decision on what I'm doing after Berlin next. Yes I'm starting to get a little excited as learning about the trains today settled me down a bit.

Have a good night

Thanks
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#138: July 02, 2021, 01:56:57 AM
OK... I hate to be the bearer of bad news but ... If the German train schedule says there is a "transfer," it means that you have to change trains... That also means that you need to plan enough slack to get from one platform to the next and also to ensure that you can make your connection if one or the other train is a bit later than expected... For smaller places, this is totally doable but for large exchange points like Munich, Frankfurt, or Berlin, changing trains can be a 10 minute ordeal to get off one train, go down the platform to the central area, find the next platform, go back out that ne and then find the car...

Reserving places on the train is a VERY good idea (costs a couple of Euros but SO worth it to have a guaranteed seat plus you can pick of you want a table or a window/aisle seat, etc.)

I tried to attach a screen shot (didn't work) of a test run from Frankfurt to Bamberg as an example. The first train takes you from Frankfurt to Wurzburg. You then have 34 minutes to change trains to the 2nd that goes from Wurzburg to Bamberg... It also tells you which track your train from Frankfurt departs on, which track it arrives in Wurzburg, then which track it departs from Wurzburg and which track it comes in on in Bamberg.... Finally, it gives you the actual train numbers and tells you which part of the rail system you are on - FFM to Wurzburg is a long-distance train (so it is faster) and the 2nd leg is a Regional so it stops a lot in small villages along the way... but here is the link instead that should give you the same results ...

https://reiseauskunft.bahn.de/bin/query.exe/dn?ld=434&protocol=https:&seqnr=1&ident=j9.0292054.1625215575&rt=1&OK#hfsseq2|j9.0292054.1625215575
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#139: July 02, 2021, 07:54:05 AM
Hi UrsaMajor,

Yea thats what I was wondering. One transfer does seem to be in the majority of the trains I viewed but I did see some zeros. LOL, I saw a 5 transfers train, hahaha.

So I added a day to Berlin because I'm really losing a day with running the marathon. This will give me the chance to goto Potsdam now for the day to explore Frederick the Great's Summer Palace.

I am going to Munich afterwards for 9 days. I was thinking its easier to just settle down in one location and then branch out to do day trips. I did well with both Frankfurt and Munich with finding a hotel in their old town sections and within walking distance of the main rail line stations.

I went through the race organizers for Berlin and I have to take a train to Charlottenburg from the main terminal which is fine.

I was originally planning to split my time in Bavaria between Nuremberg and Munich. Nuremberg is actually the ideal train spot for Rothenberg, Bamberg and Regensburg. However, the hotels are really expensive so maybe something is going on that week in town. I would like to see the Nuremberg Imperial Castle.

So I settled on Munich to keep it simple. It will still allow me to visit Rothenberg, Bamberg, Regensburg and Fussen.

Germany is requesting me to present my actual vaccination card as is the hotel in Munich. I did not hear anything from the other 2 hotels but I assume they will also ask for it as time approaches. I believe the Marathon organizers are also requesting it.

I'm sure there will be changes as the time approaches and hopefully the covid numbers will stay down to keep the country open for travel. There are many runners online from other countries complaining that they are not allowed in.

I think the marathon is advertised as 31,000 runners this year which is probably lower than previous years.
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#140: July 02, 2021, 06:15:13 PM
Today we had the dermatologist appointment and I think she is just wasting our time. Now we are going to see S18 primary care physician on Tuesday and maybe he can recommend someone else or something else. S18 is a bit frustrated.

I haven't seen his primary care physician in years so maybe I will learn what they have or have not tried in the past. Luckily I got a pretty quick appointment and this really could have been relayed over the phone instead of having us show up at the office today for naught.

Xw handled all things medical so I am surprised she has not stepped in yet to see why we seem to be going nowhere with this dermatologist.

His mom does ask him questions so she did know he had an appointment today and she was home when I dropped him back off.

We did goto lunch prior to his appointment. So we will see what happens on Tuesday as we need to find someone new.

Have a good night
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#141: July 04, 2021, 02:44:33 PM
Today there were probably 1,000 runners for this 4 mile race which I also ran in 2019. I have been off from running for 8 days and I have felt a combination of being both rested and yet lazy at the same time.

So I was glad to see that I can still run at a decent pace which is hard to do when your always running by yourself. Hmm, I'm in no shape for a marathon. I need to start long running and its now a matter of finding the time. I went to work after the run.

Today is the anniversary of BD 2015. This is also the day she was served with divorce papers in 2019 which had nothing to do with me. Thats just the way it worked out as I was running this 4th of July race in 2019.

I remember I was anxious in 2019 waiting for the race to start but I believe I was stressed waiting for her to be served. Today it is just a day that is remembered but nothing more.

Germany has a pilot program to get back to normal which includes the Berlin Marathon. There is an 8K in July and a half marathon in August. Both in Berlin. So those two events need to be covid successful or there will be no marathon.

In line skating apparently is also popular in Germany as they have their own 8K, half marathon and marathon on the same weekends and are also part of their pilot program.

I will see S18 on Tuesday and we have to do lunch this week as I work at night and we also have to goto his doctor appointment in between. I also have to see what happened to his driving school appointment which should be on Wednesday.

Enjoy your day everyone
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#142: July 06, 2021, 05:08:23 PM
Today I picked up S18 for his doctor appointment. Now yesterday I invited him to a barbecue and he admitted this morning that he had not read my entire text message. He only focused on the doctor reminder and didn't notice the invite until I texted him again today.

S18 believes there is a hawk living in his backyard in one of the trees as they found a decapitated rabbit last week. He showed me some photos he had taken of birds in the neighborhood while he was out walking. It seems some nests were disturbed with the storms last week.

His primary physician made us wait forever but we had a good time reminiscing how he used to throw tantrums when they drew blood and how he and his brother played with those germ infested filthy toys in the waiting room. Oh that used to drive me nuts.

He is a pediatrician so I told S18 that it maybe time to graduate. He has gone to this doctor since birth. LOL, one of the assistants handed me an envelope from his folder. Oh I thought for sure it was a bill.

Well apparently it was a note that will allow him to go back to school last October 2020. So I will get it to the principal, lol.

I was on the phone with the driving school this morning and his appointment is set for tomorrow. He will have 3 sessions at 2 hours each and the school picks him up and drops him off at his house. They will also take him to his road test when the time comes.

The dermatologist is making us jump through hoops so I will see her tomorrow. Thats all I hear from S18, when are we starting dad.

We did have lunch prior to his appointment and then I rushed off to work to at least get 5 hours in. Now his mom is aware that I am running him around S18 says.

I will just say this is beyond unprecedented. I used to go with her to their appointments when they were in the single digit years and then she transitioned to xMIL.

I have absolutely never taken either son to a doctor appointment by myself and now I have taken S18 to 5 appointments since the beginning of June. I can't even explain how unreal it feels

So hopefully he does well tomorrow with the driving.

Have a good night
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#143: July 07, 2021, 01:11:23 AM
One step at a time, mate!

It looks like the steps (at least with S18) are all going in the right direction. As long as the Bat-Snot Crazy stays away from the situation, you both will do just fine...

I am glad that you are able to spend more time with him, regardless of what you are doing... It's a "dad thing" to deal with the mundane and being "allowed" to do it provides a great feeling...
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#144: July 07, 2021, 07:16:34 AM
Hi UrsaMajor,

Well after the last dermatologist appointment we were both disappointed and I was a bit annoyed because I knew we had to go through more steps. Then S18 exclaimed, oh maybe I should get my mom to contact the doctor  :o, and I was like, oh hell no he just didn't say that, in my head, lol.

So I explained to S18 that sometimes in life one has to follow rules. You cannot have your mom just get you a doctor's note for the remainder of your life. So we were told we had to go see his primary care physician and we did.

Its funny, the October 2020 note that was handed to me yesterday was because she took him out of school for allergies. What a BS excuse ? Her message has always been clear. Give up on life kids, mom will just get you a note !

So as I was driving to work afterwards I started to wonder if this is some backwardsass, mlc mind firetruckery BS, where she is beginning to trust me as a father. Oh it better not be that because I didn't have anything to prove to her in the first place.

She better keep it phony because if she ever turns real than it could get ugly because I will not be nice to her. She threw S21 away and its unforgivable.

I still cannot find any traction with running nor Kickboxing as I've been tied down with other family commitments. So I have to get back to it on Monday.

Enjoy your day

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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#145: July 07, 2021, 01:04:02 PM
Hello,

I am so glad that you have managed to get involved with S18 and assisting him with not only the dermatology, but in life.

Quote
So I explained to S18 that sometimes in life one has to follow rules. You cannot have your mom just get you a doctor's note for the remainder of your life. So we were told we had to go see his primary care physician and we did.

Perfect example, because if you don't, you can be stuck with a very expensive bill because the insurance won't cover because you didn't follow procedures. Show up late to the airport, and you miss your flight. Your ex is all about just do it and continue until it's too late. The seek forgiveness over permission way of life eventually catches up with you.

Quote
She threw S21 away and its unforgivable.

Absolutely and S21 is going to be S30 before you know it and is he going to still live with mom? Live with you? It's going to be a hard shift for him to start moving forward after so many years of staying stuck. Yes, your ex is to blame and it is unforgivable.

Quote
I didn't have anything to prove to her in the first place.

Remind yourself of this everyday. As we say, play with a dog long enough and it will lick you in the face. Your wife will go out of her way to stick the proverbial knife in your back. I don't respect her, but I do respect her cunning ways at attacking and hurting you. She is best left alone and completely out of your life.

Keep going strong; you are doing well,

(((((Ready)))))
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#146: July 07, 2021, 03:45:58 PM
Hi Readytofixmyselffirst,

Well they found something in S18's labwork so its just a strange situation since her and I do not speak to one another. Yesterday the primary care physician checked S21's records and he apparently has the same issue.

So somewhere during the past 6 years I must have gone with xW and S21 to the primary care physician. I would have to believe it was the Spring of 2019 since that really was the only timeframe where we talked or functioned as a family unit for 6 weeks.

They both inherited it from me. I was 25 when I applied to this job and they found it in my labwork and then I forgot about it until crisis xW brought it to my attention one day regarding S21 as they were set to run all these tests on him.

It may have also been one of her moments of stress where she sought me out as she did on occasion to save the day.

So I vaguely remember going in to explain the situation to his primary care physician. When it showed up in S18's labwork I knew we would be going back to the primary care physician but I completely had forgotten about S21 until the doctor reminded me yesterday.

There's really nothing to be done. It just throws off our results a bit to make some things look abnormal. S18 says he informs his mother of the appointments so I will leave it for him to discuss it with her.

Whether she remembers S21 and I have it, I have no clue, however the primary doctor did confirm it with S18 so he can discuss it with his mom if he so chooses.

Now my doctor who initially discovered it in my labwork said it was typically found in people with ancestry of Mediterranean descent. I told S18 it was hereditary and the next day he told me our ancestors enjoyed too much wine and olives, so I know that comment came from his mother.

Ah just another thing for her to blame me. So today I talked to his dermatologist in person and we now have an appointment tomorrow and then thats a wrap for me. I have used up all my allotted parenting time for the month of July.  ::) See ya in August.

I will find out tomorrow how he did with the driving school today and I should have him this weekend if he wants to come out. I mean we have seen each other a lot lately.

So we will see how tomorrow goes.

Thanks Ready
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#147: July 08, 2021, 04:52:49 AM
Our exes have that "Just give 'em a note" thing in common...

D10's grade school teacher called xW out on it a couple of times over the past 2 years because D10 had the worst attendance of any kid in her class... when xW was home "sick" (side note - one of the reasons that xW HAD to get divorced was that the marriage was making her sick all the time... now, she's divorced and STILL sick all the time so ...) D10 would be home "sick" as well... She tried it with S14 but he would just come and stay with me so that is where the similarity ends... but still...

Stay up to late playing video games? Mom will give you a note that you had "intestinal problems." Have a test that ou didn't study for? That's OK, mom will give you a note that you had "muscle pain." The list goes on ad nauseum...
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#148: July 08, 2021, 11:51:16 AM
Hi UrsaMajor,

This morning I texted S18 from outside his house and he replied that he had just gotten out of the shower and needed 'a bit more time'. Unbelievable. ::)

Then after the dermatologist appointment he asked if we could goto a diner for breakfast. A diner  :o The dermatologist and a diner  :o. What else do I have to do ? LOL....

So his driving class went well yesterday and he will arrange his next 2 appointments with the instructor. Thats good because it should cut down on the phone calls for me now.

The dermatologist appointment also went well. He is excited that it is finally underway. He has been talking to his mom about it and it appears he tells her everything.  ::)

We had to wait for his mom to return home to let him in the house. I'm now at work and I'm ready for bed. He wants to see each other this weekend so I will go get him tomorrow after work.

The pharmacist just called me, you see what happens, and I had to talk to them.  :o It just hasn't ended this week with the phone calls.

Enjoy your day
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Re: BRAND NEW MAN 12
#149: July 08, 2021, 12:41:03 PM
Watcher I would bet it's not S18 offering information but more her pumping him for it.

Oh well who cares, he is getting the help he needs thanks to you.
It's funny how he went last year from not accepting anything from you, to now he is asking to go to breakfast.  That is more normal teenager.  FEED ME!

So any outdoor plans for you guys this week-end, or are you winging it?
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#150: July 08, 2021, 03:43:31 PM
Hi Thunder,

Well when S18 first entered my car he was texting away feverishly so I know he was getting instructions from his mom. Getting him to talk about the driving school was like pulling teeth but I attribute that to him being up at 8am.

He did say that his mom relayed to him which pharmacy I should be using which is normal I guess. She preferred I use the one where she has their information. Now that comment did unsettle me a bit because I realized that I'm territorial.

She had 6 years to help S18 with his acne issue and I don't want her on board now. Stay out of the way. Same goes for the driving school since I'm carrying the financial burden of both on my own.

Oh IDK how I would react if I hear S18 say one day that his mom is taking him to the dermatologist. Again she had her chance to help him. I believe she will stay out of it ,though, since she is hiding from the house issue.

Now when we returned home we had to wait for her to arrive. S18 checked both doors and they were locked so he was not informed by her that she would be leaving obviously. He texted her and sat in my car while waiting.

She then called him on the phone and he stepped outside the car to take the call which was fine because I didn't want to hear her voice anyway. That was just more instructions. She had already texted him that she was on the way.

So she returned to her driveway and waited until I left the area before exiting her car as usual. Again she is avoiding the home sale issue.

Tomorrow I'm picking him up late since I am working. Saturday I will have him up early and we will be outdoors either hiking or kayaking. He can sleep late on Sunday as we practice driving on that day.

Yes it is amazing how he is no longer afraid to accept anything from me and I do like how he picks out where he wants to eat. Now last February he first mentioned this acne issue to me but he wasn't ready for me to help yet.

I immediately did research and brought him tons of product, lol. I brought a case of this beauty bar soap for his face and he has been taking one bar at a time.

Now it was in May when he finally asked me for help btw. So he would take one bar and then always tell me he took one. Like he didn't want to get in trouble, eventhough, I've been telling him since February to take the case of soap home with him.

So today at the diner he was telling me how his bar of soap had whittled down to nothing and he finally said, oh maybe I should take that case of soap home with me.  ;D Finally.

Thanks Thunder
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« Last Edit: July 08, 2021, 03:48:04 PM by Watcher »

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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#151: July 09, 2021, 12:51:04 AM
I'll reply here because 1) I'm a Mod and I can and 2) you haven't started a new thread yet....

My guess on the soap is that he remembers that BSC xW did all kinds of crazy $#!t with whatever you bought the boys previously so he was limiting the risk by taking one bar at a time... After all, if he took the whole case and xW "disappeared it" one day, he'd be stuffed....

It is good though that he is asking you for stuff now. He is finally beginning to trust that you are not the Ogre xW and MIL made you out to be....

 ;D
Trust takes time to build, especially when you have been subject to rigorous programming for so many years...

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Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
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