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Author Topic: My Story BRAND NEW MAN 12

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My Story BRAND NEW MAN 12
#20: May 15, 2021, 04:02:28 AM
Hi Zion, OffRoad, Treasur.

My mom says its a "mother thing". She is his mother and he can't believe the things that she does so he would rather stay home for a week by himself, then call me, out of embarrassment or shame because that is his mother.

My mom says he was most likely left behind to take care of the pets. So I believe he didn't want to go back to Florida but I also believe she would have left the pets alone if he did go.

He mentioned how neither his mom nor S21 care for the pets anymore. He theorizes that his mom went on vacation while they were in Florida.

It doesn't sound like he did any school work during the 4 weeks as his books were home. His mom said it was no big deal. He has in person finals this week so that could explain his return. Meanwhile he doesn't know the exam schedule.

We talked about graduation. Now I have heard nothing from the school since January and I assume they are allowing him to participate. The graduation fees were mentioned last week and then I heard nothing from his mom again. So I can also see how they would not allow him to participate.

I think she was hit with that realization last week along with my text about finding a realtor to sell the house at the same time so she ran. I think the in home learning for him was a disaster this year.

He asked about continuing his driving lessons, he wondered how the house would be sold and he is worried about where his pets will go. He is also embarrassed by the 2 foot tall grass situation and says the backyard is worse. The house looks abandoned.

He is worried that he will miss a semester of college and I said its most likely probable as he never took a SAT nor has he applied to any college. Yes he has a lot of concerns.

I think we are going to know pretty soon how this will turn out. The graduation is actually May 25th and then we will have our answers.

She is supposedly returning today but she is a liar.

Yes sometimes I don't see things from his perspective. My first reaction was I can't believe he would rather stay home alone then contact me. I asked him why he didn't let me know and he sort of didn't have an answer as he was embarrassed.

He said all the right things as we talked so I'm hoping this will be the beginning of the end of it for him at least. I can't believe she also separated the 2 boys but I told S18 that he has to focus on himself now and his future as it may take S21 more time to figure things out for himself.

Yes I can't imagine what he has been through nor what is running through his mind. I told him he has to make a decision and I know it sucks having that weight on your shoulders at this age. This madness has to end and I really think she helped matters. S18 never wanted to leave S21 and she removed that issue herself.

I told S18 that I am not looking to control him and I just want him to goto college and have a future for himself. IDK, I'm just hoping this will finally be over and he can have some stability and normalcy back in his life.

Thanks
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« Last Edit: May 15, 2021, 04:26:55 AM by Watcher »

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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#21: May 15, 2021, 06:18:52 AM
Thanks for that update, Watcher. I am hopeful on behalf of you and your S18 that you can both start to find some real healing from this point forward. You have both had a very difficult situation of her making (as has your S21). And even though your xW has forced the issue in some cases, your S18 has spoken up for himself on some of his preferences, so hopefully he will continue to do the work needed to get past the shame and manipulation she has inflicted on all of you.

Whatever happens with your S21, it appears that you and your S18 are taking steps toward a healthy relationship between a parent and a young adult child.
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#22: May 15, 2021, 06:34:02 AM
Hello,

The more I read, the more I believe your thread needs to be changed to "The Adventures of Watcher in Wonderland".  In Game of Thrones there was the mad king. You've got the mad queen for sure.

Since you are dealing with craziness, have you considered just letting the house start to fall into default? Stop paying the loan and focus on getting a place for you and your son. That would definitely force the sale of the house. Once again, you are in a bad spot as the house needs work and that is going to hurt you. A real estate investment company may offer you cash for the place so they can flip it.

Despite what your attorney says, there is no working with your wife. She is an active liar, cares nothing for either boy, and will do anything to hurt you.

As far as your son goes for college, he can go to community college and start getting prerequisite classes done now. Or work for a few months and then start community college. The classes will transfer to his four year school when he is ready and he knows what he wants to do with his life.

With our four kids, two went to community college and two went straight into four year schools. For one, the community college route was best because she wasn't sure what she wanted to do until recently. Now she is in a four year school and will finish next June. My youngest started community college in high school and finished her degree a year early. The other two completed all four years at a four year institution.

Point is, there are lots of routes and ways to navigate college and finish with the degree. The most important thing is that you've got your son and now it's time to keep him.

Have a great weekend with your boy,

(((((Ready)))))
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#23: May 15, 2021, 07:19:01 AM
Is there enough room for him to stay at your mothers with you for the short term?

I'd think about him going back to the house since she's not there and getting anything he needs.
You have a lot to attend to Watcher. Maybe get online and look at apartments / houses in your area.
You know how she got when she was frustrated with you. You were physically injured.You have to understand she could do that to your son if she knows he's leaving her.If she's at the house and he refuses to go to Florida again it could make her very angry.
This could become violent.

I would get him out of there asap..as far as the pets any friends or anyone who would take care of them for a while?
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There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#24: May 15, 2021, 10:04:07 AM
I am passing this along from my D. She says even when she logically knows one parent is screwed up, she does not want to lose either parent. She will sometimes put up with things she doesn't consider harmful when she should not, like most people will do with anyone they care about. That in a situation like this, there is the added disadvantage that if she is not careful, her father wIll abandoned her (hmmm. Just as I thought....) and she is not ready for that to happen yet, but thinks she could be some day and is mentally preparing in case it should happen.. She does recognize he is a messed up human being.

I don't know if your son might have similar feelings, but if so he's in a tough spot and needs all the "focus on yourself" training we have all gotten here.
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When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#25: May 15, 2021, 06:25:12 PM
Hi Curiosity, Readytofixmyselffirst, Init, OffRoad.

This morning S18 said he wants to focus on finals this week and then graduation next week. I think he is going to wait and see what his mom does next. IMO he will live with me only if his mom relocates to Florida. If his mom remains in NJ then he will remain with her I believe.

However, I believe she intends to relocate both boys to Florida while she remains in NJ. She has S21 settled with her parents and she will move to do the same with S18 after graduation. I have presented S18 with every doom and gloom analysis so if he still ends up in Florida then there is nothing I can do to stop him.

I do agree with him that finals have to be addressed first. He doesn't even know his exam schedule.

This morning we went to his house so he could make sure the dog and cat had food and water. We then took the dog to the park for about 30 minutes before returning her home. I remained in the car. His mom is due home at 11pm and S18 left the key for her under the front door mat. Yep.

We went hiking today but I think he stayed up too late last night as he slept on the drive home. He vented a lot today.

So today it kind of clicked that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. However, its really impossible to plan life this way with so much unpredictability.

Thanks
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#26: May 16, 2021, 01:18:14 PM
Unpredictability is hard, but hang in there Watcher.  Definitely keep doing with you're doing where S18 is concerned.
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#27: May 16, 2021, 05:42:48 PM
Hi FaithWalker,

This morning I went for a run early and S18 was showered and had eaten breakfast by the time I returned home as he was ready to go driving. He must have went to bed early last night.

So we had a 45 minute drive as I took him to this state park for the 2nd time as there is good traffic signage, a fair amount of vehicles on the road and plenty of pedestrians walking and biking to get in his way.

He did quite well and drove for 1.5 hours which seems to be his limit and he has 6.5 hours total now on his 4th attempt. This time I had him exit the state park and drive for a bit on the highway and I will extend it further each subsequent time out going forward.

His driving test is in August so we should still have plenty of opportunities barring anymore trips to Florida. I let him stay a bit longer tonight but he has finals tomorrow so we need to get high school finished.

He was angry on the drive home. So he was venting when I picked him up from his house on Friday and he was venting again tonight on his return.

He is still having problems with his acne and his mom will not get his face treated properly. He says she has every product in the world for herself and she will only give him samples.

She takes him to Hand and Stone, which I've never been a fan of for him, and she refuses to buy their products he was telling me. He remembered her taking him to a dermatologist in 6th grade, then again in 8th grade, and she refused to follow the instructions of the doctors as they don't know what they are talking about.

The doctors say it is not from his diet and his mom says it is from his diet so she won't budge. Typical her way or the highway control.

So I asked him if he wants me to find a dermatologist for him and he said yes. This way we can have a routine program established for him without her interference. He said his face is not clearing up because its not being treated and he was really mad.

Yesterday he didn't know his final exams schedule so I advised him to email a teacher to find out and today she responded to him and he now knows his schedule for this week.

I told him, if he wants a dermatologist, if he wants his drivers license, if he wants to goto college, if he wants a GF one day, then he is going to have to fight for what he wants. She is not going to help you I said.

He was angry about Florida as that is where his face became worse. She was waiting for him in her car as we arrived as he said she wanted him to go food shopping with her. He told me he was going to study for tomorrow as he wants nothing to do with her.

On Tuesday we will have dinner and we have to get a graduation outfit for him afterwards. I also told him I would have the dermatologist appointment for him.

So as I drove away she had to pop out of her car to let our son in the house. So a little push back from S18 and I'm so getting blamed for it, lol.

So we will see what happens on Tuesday night as she doesn't like people pushing back.

Have a good night
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#28: May 16, 2021, 11:05:55 PM
I told him, if he wants a dermatologist, if he wants his drivers license, if he wants to goto college, if he wants a GF one day, then he is going to have to fight for what he wants. She is not going to help you I said.
This is gold, Watcher. It may seem like a "duh" to the average person, but not for someone who has never had a mother who supports his being his own person. Once he knows he can get some help to get what he needs and he's not stuck with what he had, he'll keep moving forward.

You go, Dude!
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BRAND NEW MAN 12
#29: May 17, 2021, 01:27:38 AM
Watcher,

All I can say from my view is...



I am really sorry about S(now 21) but this is nothing that you didn't expect as he was the "Golden Boy." S18, on the other hand, is developing a mind of his own and the Chutzpah to go along with it. I am REALLY glad that is getting the "Put on your own Oxygen Mask before helping others" advice form you because he will need it.

As someone else noted, it is not like he has any real support from Mommy Dearest and, if one adds MIL into the mix, the results are even worse.

I kind of hope that she does do a runner because it would allow you to get things moving with the house if she does but being there for your S and him knowing you have his back is SO important right now. MommyDearest is going to try every nasty trick in the book to get S18 to knuckle under so any support you are able to provide him is going to be a win for both of you....

UM
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Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
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Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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