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Author Topic: My Story MLC husband, looking for help and ideas

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My Story Re: MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#10: May 16, 2021, 06:04:43 PM
Ah yes..."So in general case of a LBS, how do they deal with the lack of sex/love in their life during these husband's MLC years? I have a high sex drive so sex is gonna help me alot, I really cant have no sex in years."

This is one problem I had too, Val..and I believe it was for many of us.  You are very young so I understand, I can't tell you what to do, it is for you to decide and no one should judge you.
I can only tell you I found sex without love is different.  It may be a quick fix but weight how you will feel afterwards.  We are all different.

Everything you are saying reeks of your H being in a midlife crisis.

"He buys toys and plays with the babies and me, but at the same time shouts at them very angrily for everything little messy they do."

Yes my H, who loved our dogs more than anything, would get irritated with them and started shouting at them and say cruel things to them..this was just not him, they were so confused by his actions, so I told him calmly if he continued to abuse the dogs with his angry out bursts I would remove them and take them with me.  I lived apart from him at the time.

All you can do is refuse to allow him to take his anger out on them, in a calm way.
"If this continues it may be better for them if you don't visit them while you are so angry."  Then stick to it.

He either acts like a caring father, or he doesn't come around, that is a good  boundary for you and the choice is his.

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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#11: May 17, 2021, 12:29:17 AM
Thank you Thunder and Readytofixmyselffirst. Your advices about rebound relationship/sex are very nice. I'll work on it.

Today, after 2 quiet days, we have a friendly chat, my husband is very stressful in choosing between married life vs. freedom life, and he told me two things:
- The man-woman love he feels for me is more than 0.
- He wants something between the two lives: Still being married to me meaning no divorce paper filed and he comes home to children and me anytime he likes and helps things at home. But at the same time, he rents a place outside and lives free as he pleased.

I think he wants me to be the safety net of marriage, but still wants his own place to live with the 18 yo and gambling and all sorts of crazy things. So I disagreed, saying he can either stay with me and build a family life from low quality to high quality, depending on life! Or he can move out and we together will file the divorce paper with mutual agreement. I dont stand for things in between where he can have both.
He seemed to be very disappointed and left home "for work", even though i know there's no job outside. Told me will come home for dinner and buy kids a few things to eat at dinner.

What do you think of what happens between us today? Or it doesnt really mean anything and there's gonna be days like this for years? Any comment, idea would be nice, that helps me getting by one more day feeling ok. This site has become a great support for me in the last few days.

Thanks endless times,
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« Last Edit: May 17, 2021, 12:32:03 AM by valentine4ever2021 »

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MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#12: May 17, 2021, 01:03:19 AM
Quote
I dont stand for things in between where he can have both.
Well done for being so clear with him about what is acceptable to you and what is not. Not an easy thing to do, but a healthy thing to do.

Now you will probably have to start the process of being clear with yourself about what that means in practice for you. And getting to a stage where you are not waiting for him to decide what happens next in your life and your kids life, but deciding for yourself based on the reality you see. When it stops being about what he wants and becomes more about what you need to live a sane healthy life.  Will it continue for years? Well, his crazy mess might....but it will continue to be in your life for as long and as much as you decide to allow it to be. Only you can decide how much of a safety net you need from the relationship or from his involvement in your life. Which is why we suggest not distracting yourself by jumping into another relationship bc things are complicated and messy right now. Too messy to add extra players  :) And it takes a bit of time to figure out your own path out of a mess bc you have different options, probably more than you feel you do actually  :)

Your h probably right now does want exactly what he says he wants. The safety net and freedom to do what he wants without consequences. That may or may not change; he will probably cycle and try hard to have both in some way if he thinks he can get away with it. Unfortunately that is not the reality of how adult life works, is it? The same tbh is true for you with choices and consequences and tbh only you can decide on your own answers to some of the questions you are asking here. None of this is about you, remember....you did not cause it, you had no vote but you also can’t fix or rescue him like you did when he was in jail. The situation is as it is currently and you get to choose what you do with it next.  (Don’t worry, we all asked the same unanswerable questions initially and we all slowly figure out our own answers.)

I don’t know if you have taken legal advice where you live or how vulnerable you and your kids are financially to your h’s choices. But I would encourage you to think about those things bc factually your h is a long standing gambler with no job prepared to risk another jail term who wants to rent another home and ow can be expensive toys.... ::)
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« Last Edit: May 17, 2021, 01:15:43 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#13: May 17, 2021, 01:48:09 AM
But I would encourage you to think about those things bc factually your h is a long standing gambler with no job prepared to risk another jail term who wants to rent another home and ow can be expensive toys.... ::)

you make it a very strong point for me here Treasur, thank you!
i will not say much to reply you because yes, your point is so strong! very much appreciate the idea.

best regards,
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« Last Edit: May 17, 2021, 01:49:53 AM by valentine4ever2021 »

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#14: May 17, 2021, 03:00:35 AM
Dear everyone,
I would like to add another question about money and housework:
- My MLC H is providing much more money than before the crisis: he used to cover 60% of family finance, now he's covering 75-80%. Right now after the talks, he just sent me a significant amount money for no real reason (he has no job but make good money from poker, as he said he's a good player)
- He was also lazy at housework, but now he fixes everything in the home and even redecorates the home and plans to do more around the house in coming time (changing the sinks, changing light system...)
- At the same time he's still fighting over Staying married with this family vs. Leaving for freedom.

You think this "more money more housework" is his way of paying for the guilts, or is a sign of attachment with the family?
I'm always very thankful for everyone who has read and replied me so far. I'm gonna pour a lot of emotions in here to keep myself balanced in life, as a way of journaling.
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#15: May 17, 2021, 03:09:11 AM
Imho, v, you will drive yourself crazy trying to guess why your h does what he does. At a simple level, it will bc it helps him feel better about his actions, avoid feeling bad or to get something from you he wants.
Better to focus on the what imho.
And what works for you. Or not.

If you currently find more cash and housework an acceptable trade off for an unfaithful husband with a secret life when he is not there, that is up to you. But I would encourage you to look at hard facts more than hopeful guesses right now whatever choice you make. And remember that attachment is not necessarily the same thing as love or a healthy relationship.

How are your kids doing? And how are you doing apart from what is going on in your marriage?
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#16: May 17, 2021, 03:18:21 AM
Thank you for your opinion Treasur. You, strangely, always make things so clear for me, words i need to hear, straighten out a lot of things.
I really dont find the trade off acceptable. I just have no other choice than to take it, because divorce is somewhere on my mind but i havent arrived there yet.

My kids are doing fine, they're 4 and 8 and dont really know anything because dad is still around and mom is still smiling playing with them. But i know in 1-2 year the 8yo is going to figure things out in his way.
Apart from bad energy dealing with my MLC husband, my other things are fine: good health, good house, a nice garden, stable money, good freelancer job, healthy hobbies, a dog and a cat, appearance and youth, good maid, amazing healthy happy kids... That keeps me going well day by day.
In fact i made a list of the things i just told you in my phone and take a look at the good list few times a day, to remind myself of these beautiful things in my life.
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« Last Edit: May 17, 2021, 03:30:05 AM by valentine4ever2021 »

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#17: May 17, 2021, 03:40:35 AM
Good for you, v. It’s really important to remind ourself of the blessings as well as the challenges, isn’t it?

I hope my tone did not sound too harsh.  :) No judgment here....you are in the early days of having your family life upended and it’s perfectly normal to not be ready for certain decisions until you’re ready. It is a very personal balancing act for each LBS about what is doable for them and what is not. And you’ll know when/if you are ready.

Right now, you are still full of questions and uncertainty and trying to work out what you are dealing with, right? And you will find that there are more choices than a) take it bc I have no choice or z) file for divorce. That’s why taking your time to figure out the best way forward for you is so important....it might include divorce, it might not....and we will support you as you figure out what is best for you either way. X
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« Last Edit: May 17, 2021, 03:43:36 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#18: May 17, 2021, 03:46:26 AM
Treasur, absolutely no harsh tone. You always sound perfect to me. Thank you for that.
Funny how you put take it at a) and divorce at z), so clever!
Love xxx
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#19: May 17, 2021, 05:43:20 PM
Last night H and me laid down side by side and talked, about neutral little things unrelated to his choice between freedom vs. married life. He tried to hold my hand twice, and I let him do it but then withdrew my hand gently after a while and tried not to feel much about the hand holding. That was my work on detachment!
This morning I woke up and thought of how life has turned out this way? So bad luck! I know as people here say it's never the LBS' fault or nothing we can do, still a taste of pain and loss. And the life ahead, we've got like 30-40 years to live, for some here the number might be less, how do we navigate through uncertainty to achieve real balance?
Just drop some lines here, pour my heart out, and start a new day the best way I can.
Hope someone can hear. Thanks for all your support so far.
xxx
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