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Author Topic: My Story MLC husband, looking for help and ideas

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My Story Re: MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#20: May 18, 2021, 04:25:56 AM
Lessons I learned along the way:

Resist the urge to do something in the quest to fix the situation. Cultivate your ability to be vs. to do when it comes to your spouse. Do invest the energy in self-care- nutrition, sleep, finances.

Resist the urge to find another relationship to bolster your own self-worth. Find ways to soothe yourself and bolster yourself that involve nature, new skills, female friendships. This is a traumatic event and you are likely in NO way ready to engage in a relationship with someone else.

Stop asking questions of him- you will likely get anger and/or lies as the response.

Go get tested for STDs as he was having sex with the GF.

Start an emergency fund that only you have access to. Start budgeting for the scenario that you have to do it solo.

Know that love will not bring him out of it- if that were true, he´d already be on the path to content.

Their pursuit of happiness is a self-defeating quest. Purpose in life is what brings people daily satisfaction. He has narrowed his choices to freedom and happiness vs. family and unhappiness. You rightfully proposed increasing the quality of the family choice. Until they realize that it´s not about happiness, you cannot "compete."

Relax about your ticking clock on your youthful appearance- remember, residents of nursing homes fall in love:) Take time to befriend yourself. Just as his pursuit of happiness is a fool´s errand, your pursuit of attention from someone else in your current emotional state is also one.

Know that you will get stronger and stronger over time going from surviving to thriving- really.
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MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#21: May 18, 2021, 04:52:00 AM
forthetrees,
I am saving your comments to read when i am teetering.

5hil
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Re: MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#22: May 18, 2021, 07:14:35 AM
Their pursuit of happiness is a self-defeating quest. Purpose in life is what brings people daily satisfaction. He has narrowed his choices to freedom and happiness vs. family and unhappiness. You rightfully proposed increasing the quality of the family choice. Until they realize that it´s not about happiness, you cannot "compete."

That is excellent.

I say that all the time, the WORST, worst advice people give (and they repeat it thoughtlessly) is "you have to do what makes you happy". Worst advise ever.

I don't know who all has read Victor Frankl's book, "Mans Search for Meaning" but on a deeper level it explores happiness.

The underlying theme of the book was illustrating the people who could still find happiness and hope in such circumstances as a concentration camp. The difference within those people.

My soon to be XH, was the opposite, he was a man who could never find happiness. Never. And we lived a rather charmed life. I had gratitude every day for it.
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MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#23: May 18, 2021, 09:21:45 AM
Hello,

Quote
Their pursuit of happiness is a self-defeating quest.

It is and our culture is all about making yourself happy. We are bombarded by ads all the time that pull at our emotions. Your h is with a child. An 18 year old doesn't have the capacity to understand the consequences of her actions and this will not happen until she is in her mid twenties when brain development is completed. By the way, I bet her parents are just thrilled with your H as her "man".

So now that you realize your h is a broken man. How do you protect yourself? The first thing is that you develop and enforce boundaries. Boundaries are not to train, fix, or punish the MLCer. They are to protect you. Samples of boundaries are no discussions regarding OW. Not because of him and her, but the idea of having her occupy your brain and heart hurts you in the long run. Another is no sex as long as OW is on the scene. You are his wife and you are not going to compete with OW. He wants her, he can have her, but he can't have you at the same time.

Think about boundaries and how the boundary helps you detach. Detachment is cutting the emotional current between you and your h. It is not indifference, but an acceptance of multiple outcomes and you can live with any of them.

Just a reminder that this all takes time and you can go real slow before you take action.

You are doing very well and counting your blessings every day is a great way to develop a positive and growth mindset to get you past any obstacle.

Have an amazing day,

((((Ready))))
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MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#24: May 19, 2021, 06:10:39 PM
Dear forthetrees,
Thank you for your valuable advices and reassurance. I read again and again your 9 lines and try to learn and understand by heart, because I know they're all very true and useful. I'll come back to them time after time.

Dear Kim,
I understand what you say deeply, we're in much better place than ppl in concentration time or in sickness, in extreme poorness.. May sounds so cliche' but yes we're still so lucky and should be grateful for this life we're having, try to look for happiness inside. Thanks a lot for sharing.

Dear readytofixmyselffirst,
Yes, once again i'm learning about boundaries and detachment from you: no talk about ow, no sex, acceptance of multiple outcomes. All to protect myself from further pain and loss. Thank you very much for reaffirming such boundaries.

To update,
Husband is still at home, is sharing housework, kids' time, financial arrangements for living expenses, takes me out on day trip as friends and a little bit more, and I try to take things as friends and co-workers only.
He also asks to give me half of his earning this year and asks if I can help him manage his investments in equity market, both the principal and interests will go for the kids. The other half he keeps for himself for another kind of investment but also disclose the amount to me. And there might be more for other things or ow but he doesnt tell, I understand. So this is a guy who is still kind of responsible in terms of money.
I also know from his close friend who wants to help, that he's crazily in love with the 18yo girl but she doesnt really reciprocate, she just likes and enjoys what she can get from him in term of both feelings and money which is understandable at her age, and she's also seeing some other guy(s) because she is young pretty and has many choices.
Knowing all this, i am getting by, the heart is in pain back and forth, but good news is that the head's getting clearer each day knowing these truths and reading and thinking about what you all have said here. I really hope to hear more from you.

Thanks a lot,
V4
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« Last Edit: May 19, 2021, 07:02:34 PM by valentine4ever2021 »

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MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#25: May 19, 2021, 07:08:11 PM
Hi V,

Just to throw this out there....... and I think it's good.......

OW is single. Young, pretty and single (which may worry you, or not)..... and she likes his money but probably not him too much.
Which means with almost certainty, she's going to break his little MLC'er heart. That's good. Not because we want hurt for our MLC'er spouses but because they need a good thump on the head.

It's said the most dangerous affair partner is a single one, and it's true. Nothing to risk (for them). and when the "high" of a new relationship ends...... that's it. They have no skin in the game. No repercussions. No ties.
All your H has is money, and money is finite. What money can buy gets boring. 
I think all this is good (for you), and they are on borrowed time already. I just hope it lasts long enough for him to do a little processing and so he'll also drop into a massive depression when it totally falls apart. That's what he needs probably.

Anyway, that's what I'd be on the lookout for...... and yeah, it totally SUCKS when they're home, dragging their rear ends around, sad out of their minds over some "lost love".  ::) Just like teenagers...... need a good kick in the pants to grow them the heck up.

You're doing good, keep it up.

-SS   
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Re: MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#26: May 19, 2021, 09:41:25 PM
Standing you had me laughing at this one....so true!

"when they're home, dragging their rear ends around, sad out of their minds over some "lost love".  ::) Just like teenagers...... need a good kick in the pants to grow them the heck up."

 ;D
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#27: May 19, 2021, 11:31:15 PM
Thank you for your kind words, SS.
Yes my H's money is finite. He's got his own debt and no saving and no other place to live (except for renting maybe). Just gambling money and some freelancer job to pay for living expenses, but he's doing ok this year. And OW invests a lot in her beauty so she might want a lot more than that from him and/or other men. Anw i know, the whole point is even to detach from that fact and his relationship with OW, to avoid further pain for me.

Yesterday i was feeling fine. Today i feel bad. But i'm holding on to good things in my life as mentioned. I wish everyone a good day today and the day ahead.
Thank you for sticking up with me these days.
Love,
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MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#28: May 21, 2021, 01:39:43 AM
Dear everyone,
Today marks up the 6 months since i told him to get out of the home and he did, hence meeting the 18 yo, hence the desire for "freedom". Saddest period in my life, living without love. Luckily i manage to lose sleep for only about 4-5 nights thru out the whole period.

Today he said: "I am sad, but i am making good money, and i want to give it to you and the kids, you should take it." And then he transfers big money, equivalent to one year of living expenses, to my bank account. I dont know where this money comes from, but I know he doesnt use this money to pay off 1/3 his debt but chooses to send me.
What the hell do you think this means? Like still hurting me but making up for the hurt by money at the same time to feel less guilty?
Thank you very much for any idea about this weird money thing.
V4
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« Last Edit: May 21, 2021, 01:41:30 AM by valentine4ever2021 »

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MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#29: May 21, 2021, 06:13:04 AM
Sounds like guilt alleviation to me... and maybe a bit of "paying up front" so he can show what a great guy he is.....

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