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Author Topic: My Story MLC husband, looking for help and ideas

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My Story MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#80: September 14, 2021, 07:28:03 AM
Hi V,

Maybe he's having some realization starting to sink in, maybe not..... time will tell. It's also very early V......
I think time is what you need.
Your feelings aren't going to instantly pop back on, especially since you're in momma bear mode (which you should be).
It's going to take time to see real improvement, time to trust, time to rebuild (once he's cooked), time to rekindle (if that's what you want), and time to know what it really is that you want.

If you look at the few stories that have the H try to come back, the most difficult part is accepting them back. It isn't easy, but it is a choice.
Words can't be trusted, actions, lots of actions, over lots of time...... can he do everything he needs to, long enough to soften your heart?
I don't even think it really has to do with forgiveness, as someone can forgive but not accept them again.
That applies to H's who have W's try to come back as well.
I hope you get to have this choice...... but it is a choice made with your head first and the heart follows (later).

I'm very glad that you and the kids will be fine with or without him. That's a good place to be. You have options.
As for him, being helpless and twisting in the wind is actually what he needs...... he'll either grow, or he won't.
Important that you don't save him here. The nicest thing in the world you can do is allow him to grow.
Be nice, but this is his problem. He created it, he'll have to fix it (and that includes choosing his own answers and repairing that which he chooses to repair). He's probably just lost and will find something else to jump to soon. Never know in the moment where they are, how they're changing, or if it's permanent. Time will show you all these things, if you're choosing to leave the door open (and if your door is still open).

-SS

Keep writing, it's difficult and confusing to put it all together...... it helps to sort things out and ask questions as all these feelings, wonderings and random bits come forward.

-SS
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W - 40
M - 44
Together 25 years, M 23
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

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MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#81: October 13, 2021, 07:38:49 PM
Dear everyone,
Mid October already. Big changes in my home.
In the last week of September, I proposed divorce to H because I dont wanna waste my youth and beauty anymore. It was a year up to that point that I lived without the feeling of love and I decided that it was time to start a new life. On a side note, he asked me for divorce 3-4 months ago, so I thought he would just take the chance and divorce will happen very smooth.
He declined and asked me to wait until Oct for him to "think". I said ok I was not in a hurry, I was just sure me and kids can totally move on without H.

Then came the big talk about 5 days ago, I started it out of nowhere. He insisted on doing anything to start building family again with me including the very aggressive actions as followed:
- Called the OW (18yo) and broke up with her right in front up my eyes
- Give me his phone without passcode to read on the affair history with full-on sex talks, sex pics, videos, infatuation chitchat, a house he rented for her during the last 4-5 months
- Go to his banks and print a whole history of the last year banking statements, on how much $ he transferred to her, and all his other financials (like 200 pages of numbers)
- Show me the whole history of poker cash in and out for the last year, with a promise he'll play only when I say yes
- Drove me to the OW to meet OW and her mom, to do whatever I like. I just show the mom and girl the sex pics and talks, which scared them to death
- I wanted to test the water, so I told H to ask OW to give back all the money she took from H, he did it right away to my surprise, and OW was in very much shock and cried a lot.
- Went back to his work (construction, design) and make fine money again. And agrees to support 100% of family finances from now on, I dont need to contribute anything.
- Agrees to legally sign on any documents to transfer 100% of joint assets to my own name to show that he's all-in with me and in case there's a divorce, he'll get nothing. I'll do such paperwork next week
- Now he's going around the home, doing everything he can with the kids, the home, the garden, telling me that he'll do anything to win me back and is doing so actually. He shows everything, answers all questions, gives up totally on his privacy or anything.
- He also tries to start intimacy with me (we had perfect sex for almost a decade before all of this). But I couldnt even hold his hand.

I feel like H is losing his mind, losing his personal respect and is doing everything to win me back, no matter how low it may seem.
Through the banking statements and the chat log, I also confirmed the truth: H wanted to leave me and kids when he had so much money in his account and OW was calling him out to live with her as she smelled that through his spending behavior. 4 months later H lost almost all of his money and realized he couldnt make a living by poker, and OW smelled that too because he couldnt send her more money and started going out with other guys. So he was hit by that cold hard truth and is doing all such crazy things to come back to me.

My heart runs dried. No emotion with H, no trust, nothing. But the logical me realizes the benefits from his current actions are real and to be honest, that gives me a very comfortable life ahead.

My heart runs dried. I really need some advices on how I should think and do and plan right now, in front of all this. Because I was going for a divorce just 2 weeks ago thinking he would agree in a blink of an eye. Now I'm lost and looking into a future I have no idea about. I really appreciate any of your thoughts on this.
Thank you very much,
V
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« Last Edit: October 13, 2021, 07:42:12 PM by valentine4ever2021 »

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MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#82: October 15, 2021, 06:59:03 AM
Hi V  :)

That certainly is a lot of big stuff going on.

I think that you're smart setting things up in your favor and the child's. That's good.

As to H...... he sounds scared. They can be scared out of MLC for a time, but if he hasn't done the work then I wouldn't trust that he is done with MLC. He was not "in there" long enough. What is curious (to me) would be is if this actually makes him reflect and start doing the work on himself, and only time can reveal that.

As to you V.... you've been hurt, your heart bleeding and wanting to go cold. That's understandable. You have yourself and more importantly a child to protect..... those mamma bear instincts are super powerful. I would say, go slow. There's no need for snap decisions, and there's so much to see unfold right here. What is happening with him? Will he mature? Was he a MLT instead of a MLC? It's possible, just unknown.
It seems (to me) like much of what you wanted from before, he's giving a try. He's not gambling, he got rid of OW, he's working a normal job. Does this "stick"? Time will tell. It won't be a straight line up from the bottom, that's assured (and also why this is probably just fear).
Still...... these are the things you said you wanted. Is that enough to give him more time, is that enough to give him some chance? That's only something you can decide. Personally, I think it can be too easy to go cold.... too easy to lose compassion..... too easy to totally focus on protection exclusively.
Should you protect yourself and the child? Yes, absolutely. Make sure both of you are good for the future. He broke, that isn't your fault.
Does he get an olive branch? Does he get a sliver of hope? I hope so. With fear is the realization of what can be lost. That's a good thing. It shows there is love buried inside there, and that something is important and has value.  If he can maintain this effort, it can thaw out your heart (in time). It is a choice for you to allow this, and it is a scary thing. I wouldn't choose to be vulnerable so early, that would be silly, but I also wouldn't shut him out either.
Think of it this way: Since he broke, you have been doing a lot: Taking care of the kid, the house, yourself, everything. He didn't give anything and you wanted certain things from him that he couldn't provide (like connection, effort, etc.). This made you mad, and it was hurtful. Now he is overcompensating, it's shocking you, and you don't trust it. Good. That is the normal response. You also want to get the most out of this opportunity (Also smart, especially if you are "done"). Realize that the emotion of "done" can be and is normally  deceiving. Here is where you have influence. Here is where an MLC'er can be encouraged. Here is where you can help him move forward.
Do you abandon right here, in the middle of effort? That is a choice only you can make.
I would ask, have you told him what he has done right and good in the middle of these efforts? Positive reinforcement is important. MLC'ers need guidance and encouragement as they figure it out. Even if he slips back into the tunnel, what you do here will have impact later. If you love him, help him. You will know if you love him not with feeling right here.... you will know with your mind. Love is a choice, not a feeling.

Very glad you are having him sign documents. Very good. Just take your time V. I know you are scared of wasting your youth and beauty, the real question is: IF the changes were real. IF he is going to work a normal job. IF he is going to be involved in your lives. Is that man, the one you want? These were the desires you listed before. Let's say all those were given, then is that enough? Or does it really come down to the damage and the resistance to forgiveness? It's ok....... we have to be totally honest with ourselves before we can be honest with our MLC'ers. We must grow, just like them...... and it takes time.  ;)

Be kind to yourself. Time has been on your side, and it sounds like time is about to be even more on your side.

-SS
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W - 40
M - 44
Together 25 years, M 23
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

 

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