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Author Topic: My Story The Dawn holds the heaviness of the Night

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My Story The Dawn holds the heaviness of the Night
#10: May 23, 2021, 08:41:42 PM
Hi Marvin

   Thank you for posting and for being there ! You ha e been a real guiding light for me. I like you don’t think I could ever fix my marriage even if she wanted to at this point. I know we can’t fix them but I truly hope someday they do realize what has happened and are able to heal and grow.  If your ever in kg neck or the wood please hit me up. Dinner is on me !  Or maybe you depending on how this divorce works out lol !
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Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

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Re: The Dawn holds the heaviness of the Night
#11: May 24, 2021, 05:52:00 AM
I didnt realize that you had not posted your story here, you have been posting here for 2 and a half years so glad you feel safe and happy enough to post here.

Time flies when your having a good time.

Keep giving back - it is good for you and for the others that read your story.
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Re: The Dawn holds the heaviness of the Night
#12: May 24, 2021, 06:07:06 AM
I didnt realize that you had not posted your story here, you have been posting here for 2 and a half years so glad you feel safe and happy enough to post here.

Time flies when your having a good time.

Keep giving back - it is good for you and for the others that read your story.

Thanks. It wasn’t a matter of feeling safe, this community is very good in that sense. Rather by the time I became more active here there was really not much going on, and I didn’t want to port many hundreds of entries all at once here. It didn’t make sense as it was all in the past. My wife and I have had minimal if any interaction for almost 3 years now, so there hasn’t been much of a “story” to post.

Trust me, in the “other” forum I have been told it was all my fault, that I caused my wife’s MLC, that maybe I myself am having an MLC, and that I am not a “real man” because I wasn’t raging about my wife having a PA. I was told that I was being CRUEL to my wife because by NOT filing for divorce immediately I was “leading her on.” My thought is that there are still a lot of hurt people and men are almost non existent in these forums. I think I may have become their “virtual MLCer” husband.

One of the many many strengths of this forum is the work of all the wonderful people (you and all the moderators and mentors) that help keep the discussions on track and create a safe space for others.
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No Kids, 23 years at BD1 (4 years), married 21
First signs of MLC Jan '15
BD 1 Jan '17, BD 2 Mar, Separated Apr, BD 3 May,BD 4 Jun '18
First Sign of Waking up-Dec '17, First Cycle out of MLC Mar '18-Jun ‘18, Second cycle Jul '18-??
Meets OM Jan '17 and acts "in love," admits "in love" Jun '18, asks for divorce Jul '18

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The Dawn holds the heaviness of the Night
#13: May 24, 2021, 06:38:09 AM
Your own thread, Marvin!  I’m glad to see it. 

Quote
MLC is a colloquial terms for a significant psychological event.  Honestly it is easy to see when we are removed.

That is my view as well. 

I think it is easy to misapply the term to a person wanting a sea change at midlife but with no signs of psychological warfare going on inside of them.  Yes, I do believe you can see the ‘shattering of self’ — quoted from my H — when you detach and step back some distance away from the MLCer.   
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Feb 2015: BD. 
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

H never left home.

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Re: The Dawn holds the heaviness of the Night
#14: May 24, 2021, 07:19:20 AM
MLC is a colloquial terms for a significant psychological event. Honestly it is easy to see when we are removed. There are periods of deep disassociation (shark eyes), memory loss, total loss of empathy (which can be a hallmark of deep emotional pain, the psyche shuts down empathy just like the body will collect blood in the core, its emotional survival), and the rage and anger. In my Ws case she also started lying. When I caught her in the first lie it truly shocked me. She had not lied in 23 years, she had no need to

I can completely relate to this.  I also noticed a new way he began to manipulate and use people as pawns.
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Me - 51, xh - 52
Together 26 years - Married 24 at separation
D - 23, S - 20
No BD - gradually moved out into our vacation house starting 8.20

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Nas

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Re: The Dawn holds the heaviness of the Night
#15: May 24, 2021, 07:34:30 AM
I’ll just quote more Sade (works for now):

“Nothing's quite how it seems
The ghost of my joy
Won't let me be”



Love this, quote, it's perfect.  It encapsulates the intense feeling of loss when something ends or is taken from us abruptly.
And being a word nerd, I laser focus on the word "my" in this quote. 
As in: is all my joy existing only in the past with the ghosts? It could if I let it. The ghosts of our past joy can really grab a strong hold if we let them. 
It's okay to miss the past - it's normal and human to miss the people, places and things that we loved.  But there's still present and future joy that it would be a shame to miss out on - the vets on here really taught me that early on and I'm so grateful for it. 
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Re: The Dawn holds the heaviness of the Night
#16: May 24, 2021, 08:00:04 AM
MLC is a colloquial terms for a significant psychological event. Honestly it is easy to see when we are removed. There are periods of deep disassociation (shark eyes), memory loss, total loss of empathy (which can be a hallmark of deep emotional pain, the psyche shuts down empathy just like the body will collect blood in the core, its emotional survival), and the rage and anger. In my Ws case she also started lying. When I caught her in the first lie it truly shocked me. She had not lied in 23 years, she had no need to

I can completely relate to this.  I also noticed a new way he began to manipulate and use people as pawns.

Most of us doubt it at times bc it is such an extraordinary thing to experience. I’m not sure that all of us were as quick to the realisation of it as you, Marvin, or perhaps it was just that our circumstances were different, idk.
But, yes, I think it is easier to judge for oneself with a bit of time and distance.
Or indeed sometimes to see from the outside in other people’s stories.
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« Last Edit: May 24, 2021, 08:02:46 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: The Dawn holds the heaviness of the Night
#17: May 24, 2021, 08:25:28 AM
that maybe I myself am having an MLC
To me this is not actually news because when we get bomb dropped. of course we go through a "crisis", of course we are in mid life so we are forced to change whether we want to or not.

Now this mid life crisis may be more civilized than the one our spouses display to us.
We can maybe control ourselves more and learn what is happening from others here.

It still is going to happen.

And yes this forum is great.

You can link to your other forum if you choose, I agree rewriting your story would be a huge waste of time.

Also my beginning story is on another forum(DB) and the rest of it is hidden away on this forum.
What counts is where you are now and where you move forward from here.


Anyways my .02
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« Last Edit: May 24, 2021, 08:26:54 AM by OldPilot »

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Re: The Dawn holds the heaviness of the Night
#18: May 24, 2021, 08:31:50 AM
Father: would love to meet in person some day, and here is hoping your divorce (which i know was not your first choice) goes favorably for you. As always all you can do is take care of you and your kids, your W is on her own.

Acorn: that one thing, to know what we are truly facing, is SO critical. And so hard if you do not have experience with psychological constructs before the MLC truck splatters you. I would think it must be useful and healing to have your H be able to confirm what you saw externally, most don't get that.

Kimber: I assume this was not the case before? Significant personality or behaviour change is a good external clue of what is going on internally. My wife was so empathetic and compassionate, and it suddenly it went away.

Nas: words have power and depth when used and heard properly. I hadn't seen that part of it, thank you. Makes it even more powerful.

Treasur: honestly I think in the early days when our guards are not up, and we are SO firmly in having them in our innermost circle of trust it is near impossible to "get it." We have a very deep and strong map through which we see our spouses. You can't just flip on a dime and realize what is going on. And that is where the danger is, the trauma and hurt that happens until we can do that.

OP: I agree, for me it wasn't any kind of crises. I simply started re-examining my life, specially now that it was a life for one, not two. And it has let to a lot of personal growth and has reset me on a much better path in some ways. The whole comment was part of a slew of personal attacks. It got pretty ugly. If the link is acceptable I have put it below, if not please feel free to edit:

https://midlifeclubforum.com/index.php?topic=33966.0
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No Kids, 23 years at BD1 (4 years), married 21
First signs of MLC Jan '15
BD 1 Jan '17, BD 2 Mar, Separated Apr, BD 3 May,BD 4 Jun '18
First Sign of Waking up-Dec '17, First Cycle out of MLC Mar '18-Jun ‘18, Second cycle Jul '18-??
Meets OM Jan '17 and acts "in love," admits "in love" Jun '18, asks for divorce Jul '18

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Re: The Dawn holds the heaviness of the Night
#19: May 24, 2021, 08:50:22 AM
If the link is acceptable I have put it below,

Its acceptable, all links on this forum are acceptable as long as they are not spam or triple xxx.




Edit - I just posted on your thread there, LOL it was my first post but I have been a member there for 5 years. LOL
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« Last Edit: May 24, 2021, 08:55:16 AM by OldPilot »

 

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